ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 20 - Torn Between Two Lovers - full transcript

Lynn ends up with two dates for a dance through ALF's mishandled phone message.

How come so many of these
are lemon-scented?

Because lemon
smells nice, I guess.

Well, in that case,
why don't they make one

that smells like old sneakers?

Manly, yes

but I like it too.

Lynn, uh, you want me to dry?

Thanks, dad.

Hey, look, you could tell
fortunes with these.

Behold, a Fantastik Future.


Dare I ask what's behind
this fascination

with cleaning products?


I thought I'd help out
now that Kate's in detox.

ALF, she's not in detox.

She went
to a real estate seminar.

That's your story.

Oh, great.

I was just gonna
wax and buff in there.

ALF, I hate to stifle
your generosity

but I don't think we can afford
any more of your help.

Hey, if you're referring
to the striped shirt incident

I got the stains
out of it, didn't I?

You also got the stripes out.

Willie, Willie.
You're so negative.

Take my advice.

Gain Joy.

You take mine.


- Danny, hi.
- Hi.

Did you come by for
anything special or was that it?

My dad just told me
that I have to go

to our family reunion
in San Diego.

Lucky you. Our family reunion
was in Oxnard.

No, unlucky me.

I'm not gonna make it
back in time

to take you
to the spring dance tomorrow.

- Oh, no.
- I know, I fe..

I feel really terrible.

Yeah! didn't
just go out and buy a dress

that you're gonna have
to hide the bill

from your father

And you're the English tutor.

I'm-I'm really sorry about this.

Well, there'll be
other dances, I guess.


Do you want a soda
or something?

I can't. I've gotta go help
my mom make coleslaw.

I just wanted
to comfort you in person.

There. Are you comforted now?

Not quite.

There. Better?

It'll do for now.

Uh, I-I'll call you
when I get back.


- Bye.
- Bye.

- Let's call Kate again.
- Why?

I forgot to tell her something.

- What?
- That I washed her new sweater.

Uh, on second thought,
that could be a surprise.

Who was that
at the door, sweetheart?

- Danny.
- Uh-oh. Boy troubles?

Dad, really.

You make it sound
like I'm 12 years old.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's the problem?

Just a little..

...difficulty with..

...a guy.

And you say you understand
your daughter.

Danny can't go
to the dance tomorrow night.

Oh, what a shame.

I was really
looking forward to it.

Well, isn't there somebody else
you can go with?

I think I might be free.

I'll check my week at a glance.

It wouldn't be right
to get another date.

Danny and I
are going steady.

Kind of.

Well, did you exchange socks?

- No.
- Trade bellybutton lint?

What exactly
are you talking about?

The three stages
of courtship on Melmac

exchange left socks,
trade bellybutton lint

and spit in each other's soup.

Well, you got to admit
it's a bond.

When did you and Danny decide
that you were going steady?

There wasn't
one specific moment.

But he's not seeing
any other girls?

He didn't say that exactly.

But he doesn't want you
to date other guys?

I don't know.
He probably doesn't.

So you have no promises,
no lint, no spit.

What do you have?

If you need me,
I'll be in my room.

This problem would be solved
if she would just hocktooey

into Danny's chowder.

That's disgusting.

Know what's wrong
with you, Willie?

No sense of romance.


Expansive. Expansive.

Widely extended
or comprehensive?



Expedient. Expedient. Expedient.

Suitable for a purpose?

Uh, was that right?

Oh, I'm sorry. It-it was.

I guess my mind
was just someplace else.


Exasperate. Exasperate.

To frustrate or annoy?

Tell me about it.

To annoy or frustrate?

I'm sorry, Randy.

You were right the first time.
I was just thinking out loud.

I wish I could do that.

What do you mean?

Thinking and stuff
because I'm stupid.

No, you're not.

Sure I am. Everybody says so.

Well, everybody is wrong.

You're not stupid, you're..


It's hard to think of stuff
to say when you're stupid.

You are not stupid.

You're learning these
vocabulary words in no time.

Well, that's because of you.

You' know, brilliant.

Randy, I'm hardly brilliant.

Sure you are.

And earnest and empathetic..



I wasn't sure about that one.

You're very sweet.

Hey, Randy. How's it going?

- Okay.
- Well, good.

How are things
with the track team?


Still putting the old shot?


How's the vocabulary going?


Keep up the good work.


Oh, uh, Julie called
a little earlier.

It was something
about the dance.

Oh, did you tell her
I'm not going?

Yeah, but she-she wants you
to call her anyway.

Okay. Thanks.

Nice talking to you, Randy.

- I gotta go.
- Okay.

- I'll see you next Saturday.
- Okay.

So I guess I won't see
you tonight at the dance, huh?

- Oh. Are you going?
- No.

Oh, me neither.
But you knew that.

- Yeah.
- Did you wanna take those...

So I guess we're
not going together.

I mean, like, you know

we're not going together.

I mean, we're not going
not together.

Yes. We aren't. wanted
to go together.

Just since we're not going
not together.


Oh, you mean,
us with each other?

- Yeah, exactly.
- Oh, I don't know if...

- Oh, that's okay.
- Oh.

No, it's not that. It's just
that, see, Danny and I were..

See, we have
this understanding, which we..

Sure. Why not?

It might be fun.


7 o'clock?


- Thank you.
- Oh, they're not from me.

Lynn, look at this.

Mom's silver stuff. So?

It's miraculous.


ALF, it's silver polish.

But it zips through
your cleaning chores

quicker than you ever
dreamed possible.

You need a life.
I'm going to wash my hair.

Randy's taking me to the dance.

Better be a slow dance.


Oh, and if mom calls

her flight time tonight.


Makes cleaning your silver

almost as much fun
as tarnishing it.


Uh, uh, no, she can't come
to the phone right now.

Oh, hi, Danny. Uh, me?

Oh, I'm Lynn's cousin

Alfred. Yeah.

Uh, how's San Diego?

Oh, really?

No, no, don't bother
rushing back.

Lynn's got another date
for the dance.

Hello? Hello?

Has anybody seen
my black velvet purse?

Laundry room.
I washed it for you.

How bad is it?

Looks like a drowned beaver.
I think you might like it.

Check it out.

That's okay.

Can we order the pizza now?

Ixnay on the izza-pay

in front of your ister-say.

No pizza, ALF. You just ate.

But we wanted to give Kate
a homecoming gift.

And what could be
more appropriate

than a greasy cardboard box?

ALF, you'd better
get in the kitchen.

Randy will be here any minute.

I just hope Danny
doesn't misunderstand

my going to the dance
with someone else.

He didn't sound
too mad on the phone.


Of course, he did hang up on me.


Did I neglect to mention
that Danny called

while you were in the shower?



He called while
you were in the shower.

So, Bri, what say
we make some popcorn?



...what have you done?

Nothing. It's Danny.

You shouldn't date
somebody so unreliable.

What did he say?

Just that he could
make it back in time

for the dance after all.

- ALF!
- Don't worry.

I told him not to bother
'cause you had another date.

You're welcome.

It's not a real date,
it's just Randy.

Because we're friends
and we were not

going not together.

Don't panic.
I not know what not to do.


Call Randy, you tell him
you have amnesia.

Better yet,
tell him he has amnesia.

He'll buy that.

Alright, you tell him the truth.

Your boyfriend's back
and he's gonna be in trouble.

Hey now, hey now,
your boyfriend's back.

I can't believe this.

I know what you mean.

I can't believe
Bruce Willis is a star

but there it is!

I was going
to explain to Danny

that I'm just going
with Randy as a friend.

Now, thanks to you
he's gonna think

that I'm seeing somebody else.

There's Randy.

But don't think this means
you're off the hook.

Well, this is the last time

I play Kelly Girl for you.



You, uh, you mind if I come in?

So...who is he?

Danny, I can explain.

No, I'm not even gone
one day and

and you're already bringing
in somebody from the bench.

It wasn't like that.

You said you couldn't be here

I didn't wanna miss the dance

somebody else asked me,
and I said yes.

Who? Who asked you?

Randy Boylan.

No, really, Lynn,
you can tell me. Who is he?

He happens to be very sweet.

Besides, you said
you couldn't go to the dance.

What did you expect me to do

just sit home and stare
at your picture?

I spent the whole day
talking my dad

into letting me come back.

I call to tell you, and your
cousin Alfred informs me

that you're going
with somebody else.

Alfred isn't the most

reliable source
of information around here.

I am going with someone else,
but he's just a friend.

Alright. Alright.

It's no big deal.

Randy will show up,
you'll give him

the brush
and then we're out of here.

Danny, just because you..

- Hi.
- Hi, Randy.

Hey, I didn't know
if you liked candy or what.

Very smooth, man.

- Danny, please.
- Hey, Danny.

I would like to explain this.

What's to explain?
Just tell him.

Tell him what?

How about some soda first?

What kind you got?

Oh, yeah.

Will you stop playing hostess?
We're gonna be late.

Late for what?

The dance.

I'm confused.

Now there's a newsflash.

How can you tell
when the popcorn's done?

When it stops popping

or when the fire department
gets here

whichever comes first.

What's going on out there?

Danny just broke
Lynn's date with Randy.

Is Randy mad?

He doesn't know yet.

The information
has entered his head

and is now searching
desperately for his brain.

Wait a minute.

- I think he's getting it.
- Danny.

Danny and I had a date
for the dance tonight..

...which he broke.

Well, if he broke your date,
then you can go with me.

I-I'm un-breaking the date.

I'm takin' her.

I'm takin' her.

In that jacket?

What's wrong with this jacket?

Oh, nothing, if you happen
to sell Buicks.

Yeah. What about your jacket?

What about it?

It's okay.

Are they fighting yet?

No. They're discussing
fashion trends.

You want salt on your yours?

Curry powder.


It's good for you.

Grows hair in your ears.

Why are those guys
fighting over Lynn, anyway?

It's a little hard to explain.

I mean, it's not like
she's Heather Locklear.

Maybe I don't have to explain.

Really, guys,
I don't think I'm worth...

Lynn, please.
This is between Randy and me.

Now, look, I don't wanna
fight about this.

Why not?
Afraid I'll mess up your jacket?

Hey, this jacket comes off.

Yeah? Well, see
if you head does too.

Ten bucks says Randy mops up
the floor with Danny.

I don't take sucker bets.

Uh-oh. Incoming sister.

What am I going to do?

They're hanging up
their jackets.

Oh, no.

Stop them before they
iron Willie's shirts.

ALF, help me.
They're gonna fight.

- I've got to stop them.
- Oh, sure, Lynn.

I'll just zap them
with my time-freezing phaser.

We saw that on "Star Trek."

I wish mom and dad were here.

Well, you know what
Willie would say.


You got yourself into this,
get yourself out.

ALF, he'd say that to you.

This isn't my fault.

Wait a minute.

Maybe it is.

That's it.
Thanks, ALF.

No problem.
Diplomacy is my middle name.

Okay, if you insist
on playing this game

you're gonna
play by my rules.

- What rules?
- You each only get one punch.

- One's all I need.
- Okay, Randy, you go first.

Hit me.

Hit you?

- You're a girl.
- Right.

I'm the girl
that caused this mess.

So, why aren't
either of you mad at me?

- I'll tell you why.
- Oh, good.

Because this isn't about me.

It's about
some kind of macho thing.

This guy is moving in
on my territory.

Your territory?

What do I look like,
the Louisiana Purchase?

Yeah. Beat it.

And who asked you
to play Rambo for me?

I'm sorry.

Randy, I said I'd go
to the dance with you

because I think you're sweet

not because you can
beat people up.

You mean, you still
wanna go with me?

Yes. I do.


Oh, hey, hold on a minute...

Danny, may I please see you
on the porch?

No. A-anything
you have to say...


Look, none of this
was Randy's fault.

Oh, I suppose it was my fault.

Danny, you raced back here

assuming I'd be sitting
around waiting for you.

- Well, I wasn't.
- We have been dating.

Exactly. We've been dating.

No more, no less.

Wh.. You're not saying
that you wanna stop seeing me?

Not at all.

Are you saying
you wanna stop seeing me?



If you wanna get more serious

I...I think
we should talk about it.

Okay. Let's talk about it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Lynn.. do you feel about..

...being serious?

I feel okay.



So does this mean that you won't
go to the dance with Randy?

No. He's my friend,
he asked me and I accepted.


Well, I-I guess, that's okay.

- Thank you for your permission.
- No. Wait. I didn't mean..

I'm sorry.
Let me start again.

How would you feel if we.. serious

starting tomorrow?



Well, have a good time tonight.

- I will.
- But not too good.

- And-and be home by 11.
- 11?

Alright. 11:30.

There. Are you comforted now?

Not quite.

- Better?
- No.

- Goodnight.
- Night.

Oh, and-and tell Randy
I'm sorry I insulted his jacket.

And his mother.

Will do.

Shall we go?


Night, Bri.

Thanks for your help.

'Night, daughter.
Be home by 11.'

They didn't even hit
each other once. What a gyp.

You shouldn't look
at violence as entertainment.

It's not good
for your development.

Come on, Geraldo's
on Morton Downey. Grab a chair.

'Thanks, honey.'

Careful, Kate,
the floor is still wet.

No, it's not.
It's just that I've cleaned it

right down to the shine.

I have never seen this kitchen

look so spotless.

Even the light fixtures
look cleaner.

And they are.

And it smells like..

Like a pine forest
just after a rain.

- Exactly.
- Check out the dishes.

I can see myself in that dish.

The whole kitchen
looks terrific, ALF.

Yeah. It's amazing how versatile
that Ty-D-Bol stuff is.