ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 22 - Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - full transcript

The start date of Brian's first overnight boy scout camp is almost at hand. But he is afraid of the dark. While Willie reminisces about his own boy scout days, ALF decides to help Brian.

Hey, ALF.
What are you doing?

Tying a slip knot.
But I can't get it to not slip.

Say, that's not
my good string, is it?

Willie, if you have good string

you've got to get out more.

It's 10 to 7:00.

We're gonna be late
for the scout meeting.

'Coming, dad.'

Don't tell me, Willie,
you made a few calls

and got him
into the National Guard.

Must you make that joke

every time you see Brian
in his uniform?

Yes. Next question.

Well, I think you look great, B.

Thanks, dad.

Seeing you in that uniform
really takes me back.

Obviously not back far enough.

Back to my old days
as a Badger Scout.

You were a Badger Scout?

I mean you went outside
and everything?

There has been more to my life
than going to work, you know.

I know. You also take off your
glasses and rub your nose a lot.

I was a Badger Scout
for four years.

I earned 11 badges

and I received an award
in fire prevention

which has proven far more useful

than I ever would
have dreamed possible.

Brian, let's go.

These aren't very
good knots, ALF.

Stop badgering me.. little badger.

Come on. Come on, B,
we're late.

- Bye, ALF.
- Bye.

Oh! Oh.

Car keys.


[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

I don't get it, Kate.

I'm here during the day.

Well, I know, ALF, but I-I still
think that a daycare center

would be best for the baby
when I go back to work.

Are you saying
you'd rather trust your child

to total strangers than to me?

Well, not-not to hurt
your feelings, ALF, but..

...oh, yeah.

Mom, you majored in art history
in college, didn't you?

- Mm-hm.
- Did you like it?

Oh, very much. Why?

I'm trying to pick
my courses for next year

but I don't know
which courses to pick

because I haven't decided on
what I'm gonna major in.

Forget college.

Enter the fast-paced world

of medical
and dental assistantry.

You can keep your present job

and train at night.

Honey, wha-what do you think
you might be interested in?

You may be eligible
for veteran's training benefits.

Will you be quiet?

But I haven't told you
what the operators are doing.

- ALF.
- They're standing by.

Then there was this time
we were digging a latrine

out behind the patrol tent..

...and out of nowhere
this big skunk

comes in and sprayed everybody.

You wouldn't believe
the stench!

Could this wait
until I finish my popcorn..

...and get my own apartment?

No, I'm passing along
my campfire memories

to Badger Brian,
if you don't mind.

How'd your scout
meeting go, Bri?

- Okay.
- Okay?

It was fantastic.

Brian here is gonna go

on his first overnight
next Saturday.

Oh, that's great, Bri!

Yeah, real great.

Now we have to listen a week

of the adventures
of Willie Crockett

king of the wild front lawn.

Well, it's obvious
you've never experienced

the joys of roughing it.

So sue me.
I'm a couch alien.

I'm going to change.

Brian's gonna love communing
with nature. I know I did.

Falling asleep under the stars

the cool ground beneath you

warming your hands
by an open fire.

What were you,
a Badger Scout or a wino?

Must you discourage
everything I do?

Yes. Next question.

[instrumental music]

Sleeping bag?




Mess kit?

It's in the closet.

I'll get it.

- 'Brian?'
- What?

'What's a mess kit?'

It's got a knife
and a fork and some pans.

I got it.

Why don't you pack
some important stuff?

Like tacoroni?

I don't care.
Pack whatever you want.

I sense a growing disenchantment
with this venture.


How come you don't want
to go camping?

I wanna go camping.

Right, and Joan of Arc
wanted to go to the barbeque.

What gives?

Can you keep a secret?

No, but there's a first time
for everything.

I'm scared to.
It's gonna be dark out there.

Oh, yeah.

But there'll be lots
of other kids around.

That's even worse.
They'll think I'm a baby.

Well, just tell Willie then.

He'll take off his glasses

rub his nose and tell you
you don't have to go.

I know.
But he loves camping.

He'll be real disappointed if
he finds out I don't wanna go.

Where don't you wanna go?

Camping with the Badger Scouts.

Bright boy.

Tell him there's no reason
to be scared.

That was a secret, ALF.

So revoke my security clearance.

You know, I never went
camping myself

but, uh, back in New York

I heard about
this one scout troop.

They camped in Central Park

and were never heard from again.


Thanks a lot.

Brian, the only thing you have
to fear is fear itself.

Or a very Brady anything.

What do you mean?

Why don't we camp out
in the backyard tomorrow night?

I'll show you that it's not
scary. Just boring.

I don't know.

We'll stay up
as late as we want.

Go to bed without
brushing our teeth.

Eat hot dogs until we're
10% meat by-products.


Come on, B. Live a little.

You can come too, Jake.

No, thanks. I got a life.

Might be fun.

Sleeping outside.

I like ceilings.

Breathing clean, fresh air.

In Los Angeles?

Being right under Lynn's window?

What do you want
I should bring?

You know, it's funny.

I got the impression that Brian
wasn't all that enthusiastic

about camping out,
and now he can't even wait

for his scout trip.

Oh, he's got the Tanner zest
for adventure

that's for sure.

You know, I can't believe
he's actually old enough

to be camping out.

It seems like only yesterday
he wasn't old enough

to be camping out.

Now he's a little man, alright.

Oh, I almost forgot
his gummy worms.

Well, I think
I finally figured out

which courses
I should register for.

Oh, did you choose a major?

I was thinking
about art history.

Oh, honey.

I-I mean it's admirable that
you're interested in art

but do you think that's really
a practical thing to major in?

What do you mean?

Well, we have a saying
in college

those who can do

and those who can't major
in art history.


I majored in art history.

You were the exception, dear.
We never laughed at you.

I suppose that studying

mankind's greatest
artistic achievements

wasn't nearly as interesting as
drawing population pie charts

like you social science majors...

I never drew a pie chart
in my life.

Oh, okay, okay,
once I drew a pie chart

and you know what?

It wasn't bad.

And where's that
pie chart today?

I'll tell you where it's not.

It's not in the Louvre.

Uh, that reminds me, hon, um..

...we're having a pool
at the office.

What year did Van Gogh die?

The year they asked him
to draw a pie chart.

[instrumental music]

Well, it's not too scary yet.

Wait until it gets dark..

...and the moon
moves behind a cloud..

...and the fog rolls in.


I'm going back in the house.

Wait. Relax. Relax.

There's nothing there
in the dark

that's not there
in the light..

...except bats.


What do you have in here, ALF?

Just a few carry-on items.

They'll fit in the overhead bin

or under the seat
in front of me.

I thought we agreed
to only bring along the basics.

I did.

- Let's see.
- Hey, you got a search warrant?



"The Great Outdoors?"

"Ernest Goes To Camp?"

It's the wilderness trilogy.

What are we supposed
to do with these?

You didn't bring the VCR?

Hey! Those are rentals.

What else have you got in here?



No Frappes.

Cheez Whiz?

Meat Whiz?

Fish Whiz?

Hey, we need something from each
of the major Whiz groups.

Come on, Brian.
Help me pack this junk up.

- Traitor.
- He's right, ALF.

We have to go
by the Badger handbook.

Ugh. No Cheez Whiz?

No Frappes?


What's the point
of going camping?

That is the point
of going camping.

I thought that was the point
of going to prison.

Look, ALF, this was your idea.

Now, if we're going to do it,
we're gonna do it right, okay?

Oh, alright.

[telephone ringing]

- What is that, ALF?
- Nothing.

[ringing continues]


No, cancel the pizza.

We're going to die.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct singing]

Dad, do you have a stamp?


- Dad? Dad?
- Oh! Oh.

- Sorry.
- Oh, you scared me.

Do you have a stamp?

I want to mail
my course registration.

Oh, sure. Sure.

You mean you decided
on a major then?

I was thinking
about social sciences.

Maybe become a social worker
like you.

Well, Lynn, I-I'm flattered

and I-I'm impressed.

It's not an easy road
you've chosen, you know.

- It's not?
- No, no.

It takes
a special kind of person

to train all those years.

All how many years?

Well, um, let's see.

You've got, uh, undergraduate
studies, four years.

You've got two years
of grad school.

You have your, uh, thesis

your internships,
your field work...

But it pays off
in the end, right?

I mean
you really like your job.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But there's not a lot of jobs
like mine out there, you know.


And you're not gonna get rich.


But it's
a very rewarding career.

You get to work
with a lot of people

with some really
serious problems.

Oh, so there is an upside.

So, y-you want me
to mail this then?

Not yet.

I mean maybe
I could help more people

as a ski instructor.

So the cab broke down
in the seedy part

of the Lower East Side, see?

And just as the cabbie got out
to check the engine

a big cloud of steam blew up

from the deserted
subway station below.

'The one they had to close
after a bunch of guys'

'died mysteriously down there.'

[wind howling]

Aah! What's that?

I think it was the wind.

Unless it was a cab.


Aah! Cut that out!

You're scaring Brian.

It's just a story, ALF.

What happened next, Jake?

Okay, okay.

Out of the cloud of steam..

...came the phantom
of the subway

dressed all in black.

A hood covering
his skull-like face..

...and instead of a hand..

...he had a gleaming hook.

Uh. Huh.

Isn't it time to sneak across
the crick to the girl's camp

and blow out
their citronella candles?

Now, where was I?

The gleaming hook.


So the phantom hails the cab

with his good hand.

Now the Cabbie's scared,
so he yells

"I'm off duty, buddy."

'But the phantom
doesn't know from off duty.'

'And slowly walks over
to the camp.'

♪ Michael row your boat
ashore ♪♪

Shh. ALF, the story
is just getting good.

Now, all the Baptists.

♪ Hallelujah ♪♪

So, the phantom
wrenches into the cab

and snags the cabbie
by the neck

and drags him down
into the subway with him.

Until all you could hear

was the phantom..



[wind howling]

It's the haunted taxi.

Yikes! Yikes!

Yikes! Yikes! Yikes!

Taxi! Taxi!


ALF is hailing a cab in the den.

Exactly when did I lose control?

'Yo, ALF!'

'There's nobody here,
but us pillow shams.'


- What's your problem?
- Nothing.

I was just afraid
I'd catch my death

of gleaming hook out there.

How's Brian supposed
to get over being afraid

if you turn chicken on us?

Let him get over his fear
of the dark in the morning

when it's light out.

We're camping
in your backyard.

What do you think,
psychopaths get a map

of the Tanner house
from the AAA?

Do I look that stupid?

I'm talking about real dangers.


You're scared of slugs?

Real threat to those of us
who go barefoot.

If I promise
to de-slug the yard

will you come back outside?

No way.

Hey, we were making
real progress out there.

But once Brian realizes
you're scared

he'll be scared.

I mean you could ruin
his whole life.

What girl's gonna
wanna date a guy

who won't go out after dark?

Then you help him.
I can't.

I'm telling you,
there's nothing scary out there.

Unless you count
that herd of stray cats

that prowls every night.


Big ones.
Lots of them too.

Well, maybe you're right.

How scary can our backyard be?

I knew you'd come around.

I'm only doing this for Brian.

Yeah, I know.

Can we stop in the kitchen
and get the wok?

- Oh, hey, Mr. Tanner.
- Hello, Jake.

Oh, hi, Willie. What's up?

Nothing much.
What's up with you?

Same old, same old.

So I shouldn't be concerned
about that little taxi dance

through the den?

No. No, we got everything
under control.


Fine. Where's, uh, Brian?

Oh, he's outside.

He's outside.

We're going back there now.

We're going back there now.



If a cab shows up
on the den..

...I'm taking it.

Oh, and no more
scary stories, Jake.

Well, just one more.
The Headless Stockbroker.

Forget it.

Where is Brian?

Oh, no!
He's been gleaming hooked!

Maybe he's in the tent.

Hey, he is in here.

He's sleeping.

So much for being afraid
of the dark.

Well, my work here is done.

- See you at brunch.
- Wait!

What if he wakes up
in the middle of the night

and sees you deserted him?

Cover for me.

Come on, ALF.
Brian's counting on you.

Oh. I hate being a role model!

Here, sluggy.

'Here I come.'

'Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy.'

'Don't be in my sleeping bag.'

'Good sluggy.'

Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?

Oh, nobody gets tucked in
in the wilderness.

Well, at least zip me up.


Hey, hey, watch the fur.

It's for your own protection.

We don't want any slugs
getting in, do we?

Oh! Zip it up over my head.

Goodnight, ALF.

Goodnight, John-Boy.

It was right after
the stock market crashed.

There was this
headless stockbroker!


You know, Jake, there are places
you can go for that.

Party pooper.

[cat mewing]


Oh. This is the worst night
of my life.


[instrumental music]


...I'm sorry
I made fun of your major.

So I brought you this.

It's the evolution of art
from primitive cave drawings

to "The Wizard Of Id."

Oh, Willie.

You know, it occurred to me

no matter what our kids become

social workers,
art historians

shipping magnates

they're gonna,
they're gonna inherit ALF

and be broke anyway.

Willie, this is lovely.

I'm sorry if I overreacted.

We shouldn't argue
over something so silly..

- Mm-hmm.
- As pie charts.

Silly old pie charts.

[both chuckling]

Well, I finally picked
my courses.

I trust you've made
a good career choice.



I found out that with all
of the required subjects

I have to take I'm not gonna
have time for any courses

in my major
until I'm a junior anyway.

So I'll decide then.

'Oh, Willie!'

Yeah. What, ALF?

'Could you come out here
and help me with my knots?'

No, I'm busy, ALF.

If you want help,
come on in here.


Oh! Come over here,
I'll, I'll untie you.

I would,
but I can't seem to drag

the piano any farther.


[theme music]

[ALF laughing]