ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 18 - Standing in the Shadows of Love - full transcript

Jake has a *huge* crush on a girl called Laura, but freezes every time he tries to approach or contact her. ALF offers to write a letter in Jake's name to Laura. Poor Jake still hasn't learned *not* to enlist ALF to help.


Jake of diamonds.


Huh? Oh.

Are you still thinking
about that girl?

Ever since I saw her
star in the school play

I can't think of nothin' else.

What do they call
this temptress?

Her name is..


And how does...Laura..

...feel about...Jake?

She doesn't know I'm alive.

No problem,
you walk up to her and say

"Hi, I'm Jake Ochmonek.
Feel my pulse."

Did I mention her amazin' eyes?

Yeah, they're on springs
and they bounce out of her head.

Hi, guys, what's up?

Jake's got the flying hots
for this girl at school.

But anytime he gets near her,
he spaces.

- ALF!
- Did I leave something out?

ALF, I-I think
you may be embarrassing Jake.


Kate, you're good
at unsolicited advice.

Tell Jake what to do.


Maybe it would be easier if you
called this girl on the phone.

I could,
but if I did, I'd die.

He can't seem to talk
to the opposite sex these days.

Well, if it would
be any help at all

you could practice on me.

I-it wouldn't be the same,
Mrs. Tanner.

Laura's much more..

She's beautiful.

I see.

You've got a way with women.

You don't understand.

Sure, I do.

Hey, I was once hooked
on a babe named Rhonda.

When I tried to say hi to her
I sounded like Gomer Pyle.

- Talkin', not singin'.
- Then what'd you do?

I wrote her letters
from a secret admirer.

I-I don't think I could do that.

Okay, then let me
write it for ya.

- I don't know.
- Come on, Jake.

Let me make
your love connection.

Think of me
as your wooly Chuck Woolery.

Okay. Alright, maybe just one.


Hi, ALF.

Willie, what's another word
for beautiful?

Umm, attractive.

What's another word
for attractive?

Uh, alluring.

What's another word
for alluring?


What's another word
for annoying?

- ALF.
- That won't work.

It doesn't rhyme
with oh, baby.

What are you working on there?

This is a missive of love on
behalf of young Jake Ochmonek. in love?

Disgustingly so.

But he thinks of himself
as just another scrawny

gawky, geeky kid.

You remember
the feeling, Willie.


You better, uh,
you better be careful, ALF.

You can get into trouble
playing Cyrano.

Is that like Monopoly?

No, I'm talking
about "Cyrano de Bergerac."

It's a play. I-I've got a copy
of it somewhere.

It's-it's a classical
French play

about a man named Christian

who falls in love
with a beautiful woman

but he is too embarrassed
to talk to her.

- That sounds like Jake.
- Exactly.

So he gets his friend Cyrano

to-to write a letter
to the girl for him

because Cyrano is-is so gifted
and sensitive.

That sounds like me.

Cyrano's a great romantic

but he is ashamed
to talk to women in person

because he's got a very big..

And they all lived
happily ever after.

Whoa, whoa!
Big-big-big...big what?

Umm, mmm, nose.

- Huh?
- Umm, nose.


Very large nose.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, I thought I..
I mean, I.. I thought I...

You thought I might be offended

because this Cyrano guy
had a jumbo hooter

and I happen to take a husky
in snout warmers?

Oh, yes.

No problem.
I'm not that vain.

Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I..

I guess I misjudged you.

Thanks, four eyes.

'"And what is a kiss?'

"A sacrament of roses.

The ring of a single horizon
around two souls."

Four lips slobbering
like a dog on raw beef.

Hi, ALF.

Not ALF.
Cyrano de Melmac.

I use my powers of romance
to help those not so blessed.

In this case
I'm snagging a chick for Jake.

"Well, I must go.
Pardon I cannot stay.

My moonbeam comes to.."

- Oh!
- Excuse us.

Laura told her friend Lizzie,
who told her friend Terry

who told my friend Andrew's
sister, Suzanne, who told An...

Jake! Find the runway
and set her down.

- She liked the letter.
- Yes!

Especially the part
where you compared her skin

to vanilla ice cream
under the hot fudge of her hair.

I've still got it.

Laura's very curious
about her secret admirer

so, uh, I was thinkin'
of actually

maybe sayin' something to her.

"Danger, Will Robinson."

But you said when she takes
the bait, I should reel her in.

You gotta wait till she bites,
then you reel her in.

You watch her flap
around the deck a while

then you gut and scale her.

Well, maybe I'm taking
this metaphor too far

but you get my point.

Uh, not really.

How's this?

My prescription for love
is a letter a day

for the next five days.

- If you think it's necessary.
- Trust me.

I'll have her
running through the streets

screaming your name.

If the cops don't pick her up,
she'll be yours.


Jake, what's another word
for beautiful?

Enough with the synonyms.

- We got problems.
- Talk to me.

This morning
I saw Laura walkin' along

you know,
like an ordinary person.

She's very versatile.

- I tried to talk to her.
- Oh, no!

I tried to be, like,
you know, what's the word?

- Glib?
- Right, and, uh, real..

- Smooth?
- Uh-uh, and whatchamacall..

- Suave.
- Yeah.

You sounded like Gomer Pyle.

I sounded like Jerry Lewis.

Now I can never tell her
I'm her secret admirer.

You gotta help me.

- What can I do?
- I don't know.

What would this Cyrano guy do?

Well, Cyrano
didn't have to worry

about the Alien Task Force.

Can't you do anything?
I'm desperate.

Maybe I can.

We have to find out
where Laura will be later today.

Alright, 4 o'clock,
she has her piano lesson.

5:15, at the library
writing a paper

Harriet Tubman, runaway slave.

6:30, dinner at home, pot roast.

After that, homework,
TV, probably "LA Law."

Thank you, Jake Edgar Hoover.

- What's her address?
- 111 Hicks Street.

Just two blocks away.

Two blocks, thirteen feet.

I can traverse the alleys.

Is there shrubbery
near the bedroom window?

- Bougainvillea.
- Why?

Just meet me there
at 10 o'clock tonight.

- Ask no questions.
- Wait, what are we gonna do?

That's a question.
Just be there.

Tonight, Cyrano de Melmac
makes romance history.

I'll get that later.

- ALF!
- No, I'm a whip-poor-will.

What are we doin' here?

We're going to woo
the fair Laura.

I'm 15. I can't woo.

- Romeo was 15.
- Yeah, and he never saw 16.

Here's the plan.

You shall proclaim your love
to the object of your desire

as I remain veiled
in night's velvet cloak

of darkness kibitzing.


Is someone out there?

'Fluffy, is that you?'

It is I, your secret admirer.

- Huh?
- Tell her!

It is I, your secret admirer.

I-I can't see you.
Come into the light.

- No.
- Why not?

Uh, because
night is a veil over us

making all things
dimly beautiful.

Even Tommy Lasorda.

You're even funnier
than your letters.


I'm-I'm afraid
I might move you to laughter.

Why are you afraid?

Because I am too lowly
to dare ask for you.

Therefore my heart
hides behind phrases

and my liver hides
behind three of my stomachs.

You've got three stomachs?

Uh, umm,
one to digest mere food

one to get queasy
when you're near

and one more leading nowhere,
just for show.

Wow, you're good.


Well, she's beautiful.

On Melmac,
she'd be a definite papoon.

- What's a papoon?
- The number right after ten.

These are the nicest letters
I've ever gotten.

'I read them over and over.'

You do?

- What?
- Uh, I said you do?

'Yes, I do.'


I can tell
from the way you write

that you're very special.

I get the feeling you're
different from other guys.

- I am!
- ALF!

What's going on?

Uh, I'm tellin' myself
that I've said too much.

Shut up!
I'm sayin' to myself.

But I'm not listening.

You sound different.
I'm coming down.

No, no, wait.

- ALF!
- Yes?

- Hide.
- You can't hide from love.

- Her dad's a cop.
- That you can hide from.

- 'Oww!'
- ALF!

- Who's back here?
- Ehh..

It's me, your secret admirer.

Didn't I see you this morning?

Uh, no, that couldn't..
I-I wasn't...

- You were cute.
- That was me.

- What's your name?
- Jake.

- Hi, Jake.
- Hi.

Uh, you,
you wanna go to a movie

or something Saturday?

- Okay.
- Alright!

- Can I walk you home?
- Sure.

So you like "LA Law," huh?

Yeah, especially the couple
with the short guy

and the tall woman.


You kids go ahead.
Don't worry about me.

Aah! Ah!

Okay, ALF, there's-there's
only one more thorn

but this one's in kind of deep.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.


- Urgh!
- All done.

That's it? That didn't
hurt so mu-u-uch!

- Sorry, ALF.
- No problem.

You realize you took a big risk
going out like that.

I know.

But it was very noble of you
to wanna help Jake.

Thank you
from the heart of my bottom.

You know, speaking those words
of love tonight..

...made me realize
that I'll never be with Rhonda.

Well, maybe
someday you will, ALF.

Oh, don't humor me, Katherine.

Cyrano and I are both doomed to
spend our lives without a mate.

At least he got to jump around
with a sword and wear feathers.

I-I don't like to see you
like this, ALF.

Don't worry about me.

I'll tell you what.

What if we go out back,
uh, dig a big hole

muddy it up
and then you jump in?

No, thank you.

Well, how about if I go out
in the kitchen right now

and make your favorite dish?

with everything on it?

I'm not hungry.

Isn't there anything you want?

I just wanna wallow
in self-pity for a while.

We will give you some privacy.

But if you happen to be
near a video store

would you mind
renting me something?

Well, certainly.
What do you want?

- "Love Story."
- Okay.

- And "Wuthering Heights."
- Yeah, sure.

And the breakup episode
of "Joanie Loves Chachi."

Alright, Willie,
what's so important?

I was watching "Love Story."

You know the death scene
is considerably more depressing

in slow motion.

ALF, you gotta cheer up.

No. I am destined
to live a retched existence..

...barren of love.
I am Cyrano.

You're nothing like Cyrano.

Look more closely.

Physical characteristics
not withstanding.

You see, for all his poetry

Cyrano wasn't able to tell
people close to him

how he really felt.

You, on the other hand,
can and do.. all hours.

That's true.

And you've got something else.

Something that might have
saved Cyrano's life.

You have the ability
to laugh at yourself.

Well, I do have
that ability, don't I?

Ha. Ha!

Now all I need is a woman.

I think I got that covered.

I don't want Kate.

No. Look.

I've attached the ham radio
to the satellite dish

and I've pointed the dish
toward the Andromeda Galaxy.

Very nice, Willie.
You win the science fair.

No, no. Don't you see?

You'll be able to send
a message to Rhonda.

Your words will travel
right across the cosmos.

And then if she's tuned
into the right frequency

she'll hear you.



Umm, hi.

Hi, Rhonda.

It's me. I..

I, uh, I read a play

about this guy with a big nose.

And, uh, it seems he can't
have the woman he loves.

Remind you of anybody?

I was wondering if you got any
letters from a secret admirer

and if you liked them.

If you did, they were from me.

If you didn't like them..

What letters?


...I hope you're okay.

And I never told you
this before, but..'re a definite papoon.

Well, bye.

Well, that was beautiful, ALF.

Uh, I assume.

Thanks, Willie.

I can see clearly now.

The rain has gone.

I can see all popsicles
in my way.

I'm glad.

You know,
it's gonna take 146 years

for that message
to get anywhere near Andromeda.

Oh, ALF, I didn't think
about that. I'm-I'm sorry.

Nah, it's okay.

That's twice as fast
as Melmacian Express Mail.

Ha. Ha!

Wait, wait.

Okay, go ahead.

Hi, ALF. Hi, dad.

- 'Hi, Brian.'
- 'Hi.'

Dad, can you fix this whistle?

What, what's wrong with it?


Let me see that.

Well, Brian,
this is a dog whistle.

Only dogs can hear that.


'Dogs and Melmacians.'

You can hear that?

Oh, yeah!

Well, that's amazing.

What did it sound like?

Kind of like a freight train

running through
the middle of my head

dragging Richard Simmons.

'Hello, it's Jake.'

Oh, come on in, Jake.

- Hi.
- 'Hi, Jake.'

- Hi.
- So how went the big date?

It went pretty okay.

Well, that's not
a very glowing report.

Was there some problem?

Well, she's real nice
and everything

but she's got this laugh.

It's kinda high-pitched
and it's kinda whiny.

It's kind of annoying.

So you're gonna dump Laura
because of her laugh?

I'll probably go out
with her again

but, uh, not to anything funny.

Nothing sounds that bad.

You said that does.

Jake, stop!

Let me have that whistle.

Sorry, ALF.
Did that bother you?

Actually I'm getting to like it.

'Oh, yeah.'