ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 17 - Running Scared - full transcript

You missed a spot.

ALF..

...I'd like to hear
about it one more time.

Don't torture yourself, Willie.

- Please. Just once more.
- Don't!

Why'd you flood the house?

I wanted to make a skating rink.

And how are you planning
to freeze the water?

By turning
the air conditioner on high.

I'd like to hear about it
one more time.

Just one more, come on.



This is not
a Bergman movie, Willie.

It's fairly cut and dried.

Water, air conditioner

holiday on ice.

Ah. I'm gonna go
for a little while.

I'm gonna, uh, rent a pump
for the basement.

Just tell me one more time,
just one more...

Willie, go rent your pump.

Now, I'm going to rent..

...a pump!

What was all that about?

Your two dimes.

'Gordon Shumway?'

Speaking. Who's this?



This is someone
who knows you're an alien.

And if you don't pay me
$3000 by Friday

I'm gonna turn you in
to the authorities.

Ah, the number you have
reached is not in service.

Please hang up and dial again.

Don't get cute.

I'll call you back
tomorrow morning

with more details, pinhead.

Oh. Okay.

Don't panic.

Willie will help you.
He always helps you.

I'm dog food.

Willie, have you noticed

that ALF's been acting
strange lately?

Yeah. It's going on
three years now.

I mean, like last night
when he apologized

for every bad thing
he's done since he got here.

Alphabetically.

I get lost between
drain cloggage

and drywall damage.

Well, I guess you missed
the part where he confessed

to kidnapping
the Lindbergh baby.

'Hey, Tanners, it's me!'

- Morning.
- Good morning. I'll take it.

- Take what?
- Your house.

"House for sale, $4000."

- You found that on our lawn?
- Yeah.

I can let you have
100 bucks up front

if you'll finance the rest.

Well, that's very generous
of you, Trevor, but..

...I think there's been
a mistake.

Okay, I'll let you have 4100
and your lawn mower back.

But that's my final offer.

No. I mean, uh,
we're not selling...

Someone must've put that
on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Oh, it's too bad.

This place would've made
a nice summer home

for me and Raquel.

Captain's log, Stardate 2525.

Man, I'm still alive.

I'm now attempting to earn
the blackmail money

by recycling soda cans.

Oh, ALF!

What are you doing?

Tempting diabetes. You?

Why did you drink
every can of soda in the house?

Currently, I'm recycling cans.

In a short while,
I'll be recycling soda.

Let me have a crack at him.

What's the meaning of this?

I figured we could use
some extra cash.

ALF, is there some reason other
than the extensive water damage

why we should sell
our house as quickly

and as inexpensively
as possible?

I just thought
it would be a good idea.

You never know when
you're gonna have to pay off

some extortionist.

Okay, let-let me guess.

You need money for some reason?

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- No. No, not so far.
- What's going on?

We're in the process
of ascertaining that right now.

I would've told you yesterday.

But I was waiting
for the carpets to dry out

and you to calm down.

ALF, would've told us what?

This hoodlum called
and put the squeeze on me.

He says he knows I'm an alien

and if I don't pay him $3000

he'll turn me in!

Woe is me.

Woe is me.

If you leave now, you could beat
the lines at the bank.

Ask for small, unmarked bills

that's standard
blackmailing procedure.

ALF, you don't really expect us
to buy this story, do you?

You don't believe me!

I don't think it was
a blackmailer, ALF.

I think it was probably
just a crank call.

Did the voice sound familiar?

Well, first I thought
it might be Kate

but the voice
wasn't high enough.

Then I thought
it might be Kate's mother

but the voice
wasn't low enough.

You suspected one of us?

Well, you have the most to gain.

- I cost you tons of money.
- Oh.

You have no life of your own.

Privacy is nil.

And I'm shutting up now.

- I didn't tell anyone.
- None of us did.

And it wasn't my mother either.

Well, I know that.
The voice wasn't snarly enough.

Wasn't nasty and vile enough.

Don't push it.

Did the extortionist
say anything else?

Yeah, he said he'd call me back
later this morning, pinhead.

I beg your pardon?

That's what he called me.

I would never
call you a pinhead.

Not to your face.

Wait.

If this blackmailer
asked you for $3000

why were you selling
our house for 4000?

I figured you guys should get
something out of it.

I can help. I have ten dollars
and 32 cents in my piggy bank.

No, you don't.

We'll talk about it later.

'Hi, this is Gordon Shumway.'

'I'm dead right now,
please leave your name, address'

'and extortion demands
at the beep.'

'And I'll get back to you
probably never.'

'As I said, I'm dead.'

'ALF, pick up the phone.'

ALF, if you're there, answer.

- Willie?
- 'Yeah.'

Oh-oh. Oh, hold on. Hold on.
Let me turn this off.

What-what are you doing?

I'm trying to trace
all incoming phone calls.

And I'm also
eating potato chips.

Stop fooling around
with the phone, will you?

Uh, tell Kate
that I'll be late for supper.

Oh, sure. Don't worry about me.

I'm only the blackmailee.

Did the alleged man
call you back yet?

Well, not exactly.

Then it doesn't seem to me
that you're being blackmailed.

- Oh, and, ALF.
- Yeah?

- 'Change the message.'
- Okay, bye.

Hello?
This is the Tanner residence.

If you called to terrorize
anyone here you're too late.

So why don't you just
shrivel up and die

you scummy pile
of meatloaf slag.

Please wait for the beep.

- Hi, ALF.
- Aah!

Sorry.

I saw your light on.
You can't sleep?

How do you expect me to sleep?

In 24 hours, I'm gonna
be hamburger helper.

Would you stop
the ground meat metaphors?

Nobody's gonna turn you in
to the authorities.

You don't believe me either,
do you, Lynn?

Tsk. It's not that
I don't believe you.

It's just that you have
a tendency to...overstate.

Do not, do not, do not.

Look, you said this guy was
going to call you back

this morning. Did he?

- No.
- No.

A-and you said he told you
something terrible

was gonna happen
if you didn't pay him off.

- Did it?
- Well, no.

See, you were all worried
for nothing.

You know, if mom and dad really
thought you were in danger

they'd do something about it.

So why don't you just
get some sleep, okay?

Okay. I'll see you
in the morning.

- Okay. Goodnight.
- Night, Lynn.

Don't worry about me.

If you need me,
I'll be up here overreacting.

- Hello?
- 'Gordon Shumway?'

- Yes.
- You got the money?

Um, oh, I'm working on it.

Who should I make
the check out to?

Nice try, pinhead.

But you better come up
with the cash

or it's too bad
about the Tanners.

'They're gonna be in a lot of
trouble for keeping you.'

But I guess a little jail time
never hurt anyone.

When the going gets tough

the tough get going.

And so do I.

- Just a minute!
- I don't like this, Willie.

Even Trevor doesn't
come over this late.

Just...just wait here.

- Who is it?
- 'Immigration.'

- Are you William Tanner?
- Yes.

I'm Lee Frazer
with Immigration Service.

We've been informed that
you're keeping an alien here.

- What?
- Yes, sir.

- An undocumented resident.
- Oh, Willie!

I think they mean
an illegal alien.

Right. It's illegal for us
to arrest legal aliens.

Well, there are no aliens,
illegal or otherwise here.

Mind if we check?

Well, do you mind
if I see a search warrant?

- What's going on?
- Are we busted?

- No.
- Maybe.

Uh, they're-they're looking
for illegal aliens!

Human illegal aliens!

Who may be hiding somewhere
in our house!

You have a basement or attic?

Well, w-we just
fumigated the attic.

The fumes are,
ha, ha, really bad.

We could get you a fan if you
really need to go up there.

Thanks. That won't be necessary.

He's in the attic.

Where is it?

What are we going to do?
They're gonna find ALF!

- We've got to warn him.
- How can, how can we warn him?

There's only one way
up to the attic.

- What's this?
- Looks like a note from ALF.

A note from ALF.

"Dear family,
my imaginary blackmailer

"called again tonight
and threatened to send you all

"to the imaginary slammer
if I don't pay up.

"I would rather be
turned into cream chip beef

"than to see you go to jail
because of me.

"You're welcome.

"Anyway, I had to take..

...the car."

"Tell Willie to calm down.

"I'll leave the car
on Highway 71

"just outside
Edwards Air Force Base.

Don't worry,
nobody will want to steal it."

ALF's joining the air force?

That's where
the Alien Task Force is.

He took the car.

Oh, greetings,
members of the Alien Task Force

please don't kill me.

Too on the nose. Oh.

Dear Alien Task Force members

uh, spare my life
and I can offer you

untold technological secrets.

Like how to program your VCR.

Alright, how about this?

Alright, look, you guys

before you dissect me
I'd like to say one thing..

...don't!

Better, better.
Honesty is the best policy.

Who lives...in the attic?

Nobody.

We just found the remnants
of about 50 TV dinners up there.

Care to comment?

We hoard. Don't we, dear?

Hmm? We're hoarders.

What made you think
we had an illegal alien?

His name turned up
on a mailing list.

Our computers red-flagged it
when they couldn't match it

to a Social Security number.

But who brought this
to your attention?

What difference does
that make, pinhead?

So...where is he?

Look...I can make a lotta
trouble for you.

Since you didn't find anyone
I'm gonna have to ask you

and Darryl and Darryl to leave.

This isn't over.

Pinhead,
isn't that what ALF said

the blackmailer called him?

Yes. Yes,
it's getting very clear.

ALF really was
being blackmailed.

Oh, honey, the poor little guy
must be terrified.

Dad, what if something
happens to him?

And I yelled at him for taking
my ten dollars and 32 cents.

- Okay, let's go.
- Well, wait, wait!

We have no car.

I know even I don't
usually come over this late

but I heard the commotion.
Who are the suits?

Oh, just a couple of gentlemen
from immigration.

- Oh, I understand.
- No, you don't.

My cousin's a lawyer.

Call this number

and ask for an inmate 2-4-6-0-1.

- Trevor, can we borrow the car?
- Again?

What's wrong
with yours this time?

What was the reason before?

Somebody filled your gas tank
with malted milk balls.

Same problem. Thanks.

Hey, Willie, don't worry!

This immigration thing will
be our own little secret!

Hello?

Anyone in here?

I, uh..

...I ran out of gas
just down the road.

Hello?

Interesting aroma.

Oh, hey, I don't suppose
you have a key to the house.

I need to use the phone.

Sorry.

Well, I guess
I can relate to you.

We're all prisoners
in one way or another.

But must it be so?

I cannot change my own destiny.

Maybe I could change yours.

Go!

Get along, little doggie.

- Yee-Haw!
- ALF!

Willie, how did you find me?

I saw the car parked down
by the side of the road.

I followed the empty
candy wrappers here.

Well, I was gonna pick them up
on my way back.

They were to help me
find the car.

What happened?

You neglected to fill the tank.

ALF, you don't have to
turn yourself in.

I must. I must.

No, no.
I know who's blackmailing you.

And he doesn't think
you're an alien alien

he thinks that you're
an illegal alien.

You mean I almost turned myself
in because of semantics?

I almost turned myself in
because of semantics!

ALF, uh, why did you..

Why didn't you come to me before
you did something this drastic?

I did come to you.

If you'll recall,
you didn't believe me.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.

Besides, he threatened
to have you guys arrested.

I thought I'd work
through this myself.

ALF, what was the last thing
you tried to do by yourself?

Build a skating rink
in the living room.

Egad! A pattern.

We'd better get out of here
before somebody sees you.

Okay, but wait.
We can't leave my friend.

- Your friend?
- Yeah.

- I named her after your wife.
- Kate?

Bossy.

Besides, you know
what happens to them.

ALF...this is a milk cow.

They don't slaughter milk cows.

They don't? You lying cow!

Come on. Let's hit the trail,
Willie Earp.

Somebody's coming.

I'll hide in the kitchen.

- Where's the kitchen?
- Just hide.

Who are you?

I'm Willie Tanner.
I'm from the city.

- What are you doin' here?
- Oh, well, I-I..

I know what you're doing.
You're a chicken thief!

Oh, no, no, no, you see..

I really hate thieves.

They're always taking things
that don't belong to 'em.

You win.

Well, look here. My car ran out
of gas down the road.

I was just wondering if maybe
I could get some from you?

Why didn't you say so? Sure.

I can fill this up for ya,
I got a tank.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Say, how much would
you want for that?

Oh! Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars
for a gallon of gas?

The nearest gas station
is a four hour walk.

Kinda cold to be
walking in jammies.

Thank you.
I'll go fill this up for you.

He was nice.
Why didn't you tip him?

- Just get back to the car.
- Okay. Race you back to town.

No, there's not gonna
be any racing.

Kate's gonna drive our car.
I'm gonna take Trevor's.

Okay. Just a second.

Bossy, it's been a pleasure.

Take care of yourself and..

...watch that cholesterol, huh?

Well?

Well, it looks like
we were right.

Frazier's supervisor
at the INS

said they've suspected him
for a long time

of shaking down
illegal immigrants.

Now, he's been suspended
pending an investigation.

Oh! Alright.

Well, I wish
I would've been here.

I'd have realigned
his front end.

It just scares me to think
how close you came

to actually turning yourself in.

You saved my life, Willie.

I'll never forget it.

From now on..

...you are my slave.

So what else is new?