ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 14 - Fight Back - full transcript

Willie realizes his car repairman is scamming him and decides to do something about it. While Willie refuses to admit that The System Has Failed, ALF and Jake set out on their own to acquire some hard evidence against the conman.

Remember, Kate,
I like my waffles crisp

yet al dente.

Cooked to a golden amber

and served piping hot
on a gently warmed plate.

How does she do it?

Do you want
some maple syrup, ALF?

On waffles? How gauche.

Get me the garlic salt?

Guess what?
The car won't start again.

- You just got it fixed.
- Three times in two weeks.

Every time they fix one thing,
something else goes wrong.

Well, I don't get it.

Why keep spending money
on something

that doesn't work and causes
nothing but aggravation?

Somehow we've gotten used to it.

Sort of.

Speaking of aggravation

we're out of garlic salt.

'Hey, Tanners!'

'Guess who?'

Let me take a stab.

It's the wacky
next-door neighbor.

Come on in, Trevor.

Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
Hi, kids.

- Hi.
- Hi, Trevor.

I just stopped by to see if
you needed a ride to work again.

Well, as a matter of fact, I do.
Uh, my car won't start again.

Ah. You should let Jake
take a look at it.

Kid could fix anything,
has my car

running like Florence Joyner.

Oh, by the way,
uh, Jake will be doing

the driving this morning.
I hope you don't mind.

I didn't know Jake could drive.

He can't.

I think I mind.

He just got
his learner's permit.

I'm teachin' him.
Kid's a natural.

Five days he's been driving,
hasn't hit a living thing.

We'll bring the car out front.

'Yo, Lynn,
you could use a pedicure.'



Horn works.

Thank you.

Why don't we just
kill this thing

for the insurance money?

We'll make it look
like an accident.

- Oh, hello, Jake.
- Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.

What brings you over,

Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor
are showing slides

from their trip
to Carlsbad Caverns.

All 400 of 'em.

I've seen those,
216 stalactites

184 stalagmites.

Those are the ones.

Still having car trouble, huh?

Yeah, but have no fear.

It's being handled
by Mr. No Good Wrench.

- You mind if I take a look?
- Be my guest.

I got a hunch
it's the distributor.

Well, that rules out
the distributor.

No, here's your problem.
It's the spark plug wire.

I'll have it fixed in no time.

Well, thanks, Jake.

- Don't be embarrassed, Willie.
- Oh, I'm not embarrassed.

- Not everybody can fix things.
- No, I'm not embarrassed.

I'm sure there are several
things you could do that Jake...

I'm not embarrassed.

Okay, Mr. Tanner,
start her up when I say now.

Okay, now.

Now are you embarrassed?

Jake, what can I say?

Thank you.

You never thank me
when I humiliate you.

You know, I can't be sure,
but it looks like

somebody cut that wire
on purpose

then just patched it together
real loose.

Has anybody been
under the hood lately?

Don't look at me.
I just honk the horn.

Well, I have been taking the car

to a new mechanic lately,
but I...

There's your problem!
The guy's a crook!

Oh, ALF, don't jump
to conclusions like...

No, I saw it on "60 Minutes."

These mechanics fix one thing,
then they break something else

so you keep coming back.

You know,
ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner.

I've heard of that scam, too,
on that David Horowitz show.

Well, why don't I just
give the garage a call?

There must be
a simple explanation

for this broken wire.

Yeah, you got took, conned

nicked and clipped.

You got your horn swoggled
and your flim flammed.

Hello, Sam,
it's Willie Tanner here. Uh..

Yes, it's nice to hear
your voice again, too.

Uh, listen, Sam,
I wonder if you noticed

anything unusual about my car,
uh, engine wise, I mean.

Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.

You crook!
This is Mike Wallace!

- You're under arrest!
- ALF, shh!

No, I'm not accusing you,
but it is possible, you kn...

Not that I'm accusing you,

But-but you understand..

That's not an accusation.

If memory serves

Bob Newhart is much funnier
doing his phone bit.

Well, I guess we have nothing
more to say to one another.

You know, I'm beginning to think
you may be right.

I'm gonna call
the Better Business Bureau.

Have them throw the book
at this guy.

Preferably something
by James Michener.

Uh, hello,
Department of Consumer Affairs?

T-the Better Business Bureau
told me to call you.

My name is Willie Tanner,
I'm a consumer

and I have a complaint.

Yes, I'll hold.

Have you busted that crook yet?

We don't know that
he's a crook. It's possible..

Yes. Uh, my name
is Willie Tanner. I..

Yes, I'll hold.

On Melmac we had an expression.

There's a sucker born
every month

except February which has 28.

I suppose
you'd handle this differently.

Indubitably, Willie-nilly.

I'd dial 1-800-CRIME-88

let the FOX Network blow this
thug right out of the water.

ALF, why must you always..

Yes! My name is..

I'll hold.

You've got him
running scared now.

As much as I appreciate
your counsel

I prefer to handle this
my own way.

Thank you very much.

Don't you have something to do?

Yeah, but it can wait.

Hello? Hello! Now hear this.

I'm a consumer,
I have a complaint

I will not be put on hold.

Yes, thank you.

I'm going to call back later.

What did you get?

Fourteen, twenty five,
twenty nine.

What did I get?

Oil can, cabinet door
and a box.

I win.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, B.

Did your dad have any luck

proving that mechanic
ripped him off?

He called six people about it
so far.

The man's a tiger
when he's irked.

Do you know what I'd do
if I were him?

Rethink your fashion viewpoint?

I'd con those conmen right back.

Well, that's not Willie's style.
You know him.

He's nice. He's polite.

He's a pigeon.

- We've gotta help him.
- How?

We'll need to use
your uncle's car.

What for?

I haven't gotten that far yet.

I can't drive alone.

I've only got
a learner's permit, remember?

We'll trick Lynn
into helping us.

I-I-I don't know.

Can I help, too?

Well, you could
stick by the phone

in case we need to check in.

- We'll give you a code name.
- Like what?

How about B?

People always call me B.

How about B-plus?

Okay, but I'm doing this
under protest.

One more thing.
This is our secret signal.

Use your fingers if you have to.

So do you think I have a case?

W-well, thank you,
Mr. Assistant District Attorney.

Okay, Howard.

Uh, so when do you think
we'll go to court?

I see.

Well, when do you think

we'll have
the preliminary hearing?

I see. Then, when do you think
we can file the complaint?

I see.

When do you think
you'll be back from Aspen?


'It's me. Jake.'

Oh, hi, Jake. Come on in.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Tanner.
Mr. Tanner.

Is, uh.. Is..

Is, uh, is Lynn around?

Well, yes. She's, uh, she's,
she's in the other room. Why?

No reason, yeah,
I-I just thought

since I was
in the neighborhood..

I mean, you know me.
I'm always botherin' her. Yeah.

It-it doesn't mean anything.
I'll grow out of it.

- Lynn, hi.
- Jake. Bye.

- Wait a second.
- Make it fast.

I've got something really
important to do in my room.

- Like what?
- Wait for tomorrow.

- I-I got a favor to ask you.
- What?

I need a ride someplace
to get somethin' for somebody.

- It-it's real important.
- I'm sorry, Jake.

I'd like to help you, but mom's
taking the car to go shopping.

- We can take my uncle's car.
- The Duster?

It won't take long,
and it's not far.

And we can wait till it's dark,
so none of your friends

will see you with me.

Okay, but only
under these conditions.

Anything you want.

For a period of one month,
no innuendo.

- No innuendo.
- 'No leering.'

No leering.

And no referring to me

as honey, doll or mama.

You got it, babe.

No babe.

No babe. No babe.

Don't you think you're following
a little too closely?

No. But thanks for your input.

- Ten and two.
- Excuse me?

Your hands should be
at ten o'clock

and two o'clock on the wheel.

I'm sorry, my right hand
is running a little fast today.

Get in the right lane here.


You should always remember
to check your blind spot.

If you don't shut up,
I'll give you a blind spot.

Eyes on the road!
Eyes on the road!

Where? Where?

ALF, what are you doing
in this car?

Enjoying your witty repartee.

I knew
I shouldn't have agreed to this.

I wouldn't have asked you
to do this

unless it was real important.

Whatever it is,
I don't wanna be involved.

I'm sorry, Lynn,
it's way too late.

You're in too deep.

You know too much.

What are you talking about?

Welcome to operation Sam Scam.

That's the plan.
Will you help us?

Please, please, please?

Come on, Lynn, we need somebody
who's responsible

somebody who's reliable.

Somebody who'll suck the fun
right out of this.

In short, a leader.

Do it for truth, justice

and the Melmacian way.

You mean the American way.

No, Melmacian.

It was the motto
of Melmac's superhero



Yeah. He captured
a lot of criminals.

But he was so darned smug
about it.

So, you with us?

ALF, it's too dangerous for you
to be out here like this.

Well, unless there was someone
who comes along

to make sure
I stay out of trouble.

- Know anyone like that?
- Uh..

I would like to see
one of these creeps

get what he deserves, just once.

Yeah? Yeah?

You know, I should just
turn this car around

and drive the two of you home.

But you won't.

- But I won't.
- Yeah!

Sam Scam! Sam Scam!

Sam Scam! Sam Scam!

Now, you're sure your uncle's
car is in good shape?

I went over it myself
from top to bottom.

- It's perfect.
- Great.

Okay, here's what we'll do.
ALF, you stay here.

Lynn and I go inside
and tell the guy

the car broke down
on the way to our honeymoon.

No, here's what we'll do.

Jake, you stay out here.
Keep an eye on ALF.

I'll take the car inside.

Okay. I'll run the camera.

No! I'm the director.

- Then I'll be the producer.
- Oh, great.

Now I'm gonna have this money
man on my back the whole time.

Don't stifle me creatively.

Uh, good evening.

- What can I do for you?
- Hello.

'Are you Sam?'

That's what they sewed
on my pocket.

My car has been giving me

My engine's been making
funny noises.

Mm. And what kind
of funny noises might those be?

You know, like,
when your earrings

fall in the garbage disposal.

Of course.
Let's have a look-see.

Or should I say, a hear-listen?

'Hello, Congressman Burdick?'

I have reason to believe
that I've been defrauded

by a car repair shop.

Now, I've been referred to every

agency and bureau
in the phone book.

I've even spoken to
the Department of Fish and Game

because somebody thought I was
having trouble with my carp.

- Just a moment, please.
- Hi, Willie.

I'm talking to Congressman
Burdick's office, Trevor.

That crook?

You better watch your wallet.

Look here,
I-I almost voted for this man.

I pay his salary,
and I-I-I want action!

And I'll hold.

Hey, Willie, have you seen Jake?

No. Why?

Well, we come home, and no Jake.

Our Duster's missing, too.

Well, you don't think
Jake took the car?

Nah. Raquel probably left it
someplace again.

Well, let me know
if you see Jake, eh?

- Will do.
- Hiya, Brian.

You're still on the phone?

I'm holding, actually. Why?

Well, if anybody calls and asks
for B-plus, that's me.

- Who calls you that?
- Jake.

Trevor was just in here
looking for Jake.

Do you know where he is?

If I tell you, it could mess up
Operation Sam Scam.


...if there's something going on

called Operation Sam Scam

then I think you should tell me
everything you know.

I was sworn to secrecy.

You should definitely tell me

everything you know.

Oh, okay.

Jake and Lynn and ALF
took Mr. Ochmonek's car

to your repair place.

Why would the..

And ALF?


Kate, I gotta go. I'm in
a big hurry. I can't explain.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Say hi to ALF for me.

I'm afraid
I have unpleasant news.

What's wrong?

Bad carburetor
and faulty distributor.

The procedure will run you $200.

Two-hundred dollars?

I don't have $200!

Not exactly Meryl Streep

but a nice touch of hysteria,

ALF, we-we-we got a problem.

'Hi, Willie.'


You think this is all
my idea, right?

It's always your idea.

I suppose you want details?

Lots of them.

The Ochmoneks' car is not broke

and this joker wants to fix it.

- Capiche?
- Really?

Wait! Wait! I think
Lynn's going in for the kill.

So, you're absolutely,
positively sure

that this engine right here

needs $200 in repairs?

That's my diagnosis.

Heard enough?

Excuse me, will you?

I'd like to have a word
with this quack.

Oh, wait! You forgot to tell me
which is your good side.

The one you're not on.

ALF, can I look through
the camera for a while?

Jake, baby, you handle
marketing and distribution.

Let me lens this flick, okay?

Tanner, if you're here
with more accusations

get off my property.

- Dad, what are you doing here?
- Dad?

- This is your daughter?
- Yes, it is.

Sam was just explaining that...

I-I-I was just telling her

that everything
seems to be fine.

He said this car needs
$200 in repairs.

- Sam..
- I did not say that.

Are you calling my daughter
a liar?

I-I'm not calling anybody

Why is it every time
I bring my car in here

to get something fixed, I go out
with something else broken?

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

You bring your car down here
first thing tomorrow

and I'll take care
of everything for 99.95.

Mister, you're not gonna get
another penny out of me

and if I have anything to say
about it, you're not gonna

make another penny
in this neighborhood.

No, no. No, no.
I'm taking a stand.

This country was made great
by people

who stood up for what
they believed in as Robert..

If Willie starts humming "The
Battle Hymn Of The Republic"

I'm pulling the plug
on this production.

...I might expand on that

'"No man is an island,
entire to himself."'

'...and if I might expand
on that'

"No man is an island,
entire to himself.

"Every man is a piece
of the continent

"a part of the main

"and therefore,
never send to know

"for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee!"

Give me my money back!

That was Willie Tanner,
a gutsy consumer

who decided to fight back
and not let anyone rip him off.

And here he is.

Welcome to "Fight Back,"

Way to go, Willie!

- You tell him, dad.
- Alright!

They left my best stuff
on the cutting room floor.

Without your videotape, the
Department of Consumer Affairs

might have never nailed
that rip-off artist.

What would you say
to other consumers who felt

they were being ripped off
and they wanted to fight back?

Fight back.

Very good, Willie.

However, we at "Fight Back"
don't recommend

that you attempt to videotape
the rip-off artist in action.

You should start by calling the
Department of Consumer Affairs

or the District Attorney's

And when all else fails,
call on your alien.

When we come back,
microwave milkshakes.

Have we really come to this?

But first, a word from someone
brave enough to sponsor us.

I guess you know
what I'm going to say.

You can't yell at me.
I did good.

Well, yes, you did good.
I mean, well.

But you shouldn't have done
what you did do.

So you're saying
it's bad to do good?


You're saying
if loving you is wrong

I don't wanna be right?

What we're saying is
it's wrong for you

to put yourself in danger

for something that I'm perfectly
capable of handling.

We just don't want anything
to happen to you.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, you guys.

You, too, B-plus.

Hey, I wonder if Horowitz
is gonna fight back

against the guy
who sold him that suit.