ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 13 - Hide Away - full transcript

[ALF burps]

Stomach number four?

Three. Number four still
hasn't digested that Reebok.

- Hi, everyone.
- 'Hi, dad.'

Gentlemen, start your enzymes.

I'll get dinner.

I'll help.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Don't tell me.

That new guy at work
held you up again.

Yeah. Once that Jim
starts talking to us

it's just impossible
to get away.



This time I actually had
my hand on the car door

before he got me.

Who is this guy?

The idiot son of the boss?

No, he's just an idiot.

Well, you better not
be late tomorrow night.

Or have you forgotten
about helping me

put up the satellite dish?

What satellite dish?

Oh. I ordered a satellite dish.

It'll be here tomorrow.

Will you help me put it up?

I'll help you send it back.

Can't, I bought it during their



"Absolutely No Refunds,
What Are You, Deaf?" Sale.

Absolutely no refunds?

What are you, deaf?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Jim)
But how many canals are
actually being built today?

I really like
your car, Willie.

I don't know why
people are always

bad-mouthing domestic cars.

There are more important
things than good mileage

styling and resale value.

Thank you, Jim.

Please. I keep asking you

call me "Jimbo".

N-no.

Come on. I'm the only Jim
you'll ever meet

who'll let you
call him "Jimbo".

Live a little, Willie.

I am living.

So, uh, you from
California originally?

I was born in Seattle.

I attended school,
graduating in 1974 from NYU.

I worked in record promotions

prior to my current job
at Social Services.

My hobbies are saving whales
and driving my DeLorean.

- That's quite a life.
- No book offers yet. Ha ha!

Speaking of your DeLorean..

Um, when are you gonna
get it out of the shop?

I'm in no hurry.

I'd rather they fix it
right than fast.

Fast is good, too.

Well..

Here we are.

This is my apartment.

It's lovely. Goodnight.

When you said you'd
take me home tonight

I assumed...you meant
your home.

Well, why would you..

I mean, what made
you think that?

I just assumed you invited
me home to dinner.

Oh.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I'm getting pretty good
at making macaroni and cheese.

I'll get better when
they fix my stove.

I remember home cooked meals
with my folks..

...when they were still alive.

Boy..

You just never appreciate stuff
like that until it's gone.

You know, ordinarily

I'd love to invite you, Jim-bo.

- But...
- Oh, no, I'd never impose!

It's against the orphans' creed.

- I don't suppose you...
- Love to.

Can I bring a can or something?

[instrumental music]

- How's it going?
- Lousy.

I'm getting a lot of static

and for once, it's not
coming from Kate. Ha!

Ha ha!

It says here that,
"The satellite dish

"must be in an open area

so nothing blocks its signal."

Then there's only one solution.

I must tear down the garage.

Where's dad?

He called a little while ago.

He's bringing Jim Hutchinson
home for dinner.

What?

Why didn't you tell me
this when he called?

I thought it would give you
less time to bellyache.

Why don't you bring
the portable TV

out to the garage with you?

What's the point?

The dish isn't working,
Willie promised to help me

and now he's bringing
home strays.

You're just lucky we're letting
you keep that satellite dish.

Don't use the words,
"lucky" and "dish"

in the same sentence
unless you mean it.

[horn honking]

Dad's home.

- ALF?
- What?

The garage?

Objection.

Overruled.

However, it was
Mark Twain's contention

that in heaven
there is no humor

due to the fact that
humor comes from pain.

Since there is
no pain in heaven

then there must be no humor.

Mark Twain's real name
was Samuel Clemens.

Oh, you've stopped.

Hi, everyone. This is Jim.

- Jimbo.
- Jim-bo.

Jimbo, this is my family.

This is Kate and Lynn and Brian.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi, Mr. Jimbo.

Uh..

We sometimes loan our cable
hook-up to the neighbors.

Dinner's ready.
Grab a chair.

Thanks.

Look, uh, if I'm imposing
in the least, I'll leave.

I'm used to eating alone.

I'm an orphan.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Most people are.

And no, you're not
imposing in the least.

Are you from around here, Jimbo?

I was born in Seattle.

I attended school,
graduating in 1974 from NYU.

'I worked in record promotions'

'prior to my current job
at Social Services.'

'My hobbies are saving whales..'

Hi, ALF.

Yeah.

I.. I wanted to apologize
for not being to help

you setup the satellite dish.

You know, I never really
meant to invite Jimbo over.

You brought home
an elephant for dinner?

I said Jimbo...not Jumbo.

How's the dish working?

Better since I hauled
it up on the roof..

...by myself.

Never mind that I almost
threw out my back.

Stop trying to make
me feel guilty, ALF.

I'm not.

By the way,
sorry about your wheelbarrow.

I landed on it
when I fell off the roof.

You're not going
to make me feel guilty.

I'm not trying to.

But I'm sure the electric shock
I got when I plugged the dish in

only took, what,
80, 90 years off my life?

Okay, I feel guilty.

Something I said?

Another thing
I'll bet you didn't know

Columbia, South America
is completely East of Florida.

And the Atlantic end
of the Panama Canal

is West of the Pacific end.

I had no idea.

- Kate, did you?
- Mm-mm.

- Lynn?
- Mm-mm.

We had no idea.

It's your bedtime, Lynnie.

Oh, thank you.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Gosh! Look, Jimbo,
look how late it is.

You're right. There's a great
Senate Filibuster on C-SPAN.

You think we can get the cable
back from your neighbors?

We'll see if
they're still up.

They usually go to bed
at a decent hour.

Thanks.

ALF!

How long have you
been out here?

Long enough to hate
little Orphan Whiney

with every fiber
of my being.

It's not his fault
he's an orphan.

Wanna bet? He probably
bored his parents to death.

Honey, it is time
for him to go home.

I'm trying, Kate.

The man cannot take a hint.

See if he can take
a swift kick in the butt.

Alright, he's taken advantage
of us long enough.

I'm just gonna have
to be firm with him.

Firm? Ooh!

I haven't seen you
this worked up

since the time
you were adamant.

Too rough?

This is interesting.

'Did you know
your satellite dish'

'operates at a frequency
of four gigahertz'

as opposed to
the infrared band

which is considerably
higher on the spectrum.

It's very late.

I know it is.

And I'm sure
you're tired.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I am.

So, you don't have to bother
about driving me home.

Just give me your keys,
I'll sleep in the car.

We couldn't let you
do that.

No, really,
I'll be fine.

It'll be nice and quiet
in your car.

Not like my apartment.

They're building that
new freeway, you know?

But the noise
is usually drowned out

by the all-night
bowling alley.

Well, then, of course..

You can always spend
the night here.

Only if I'm not imposing.

We can put Brian
in with Lynn

and, uh, you can
have his room.

You folks have been
so nice to me.

Can I level with you?

I guess.

My name is not really
Jim, it's Steve.

Goodnight, Steve.

Please, call me
Steve-O-Rino.

Goodnight,
Steve-O-Rino.

You know

I am glad you didn't ask me

why I don't go
by my real name

because I can't tell you.

I wish I could

because it's a really
great story, but..

They told me
I couldn't.

Well, I shouldn't.

But I could.

Since you handled
the name thing so well.

Okay, I'll tell you.

How long?

Not long.

Have you ever heard

of the Federal Witness
Protection Program?

Yes, they give
new identities

to people who have
testified in trials.

You're in that program?

I can't really say.

Yes.

I testified against
some counterfeiters.

Nailed them good. They've been
looking for me ever since.

Oh, where's the john?

Right this way, Jim.

Uh, Steve...O-Rino.

You're not seriously gonna let
Scarface stay here, are you?

He's not a criminal.
He's a witness.

What if the mob
finds him here?

They'll blow us up
in our sedan!

There is no mob
in this neighborhood.

And of course they
couldn't just drive

into this neighborhood
in their sedans.

Goodnight, ALF.

Wait, you can't
go to bed, Willie.

You have to stay awake
and protect us

from a sedan-related death.

If you're that concerned

why don't you stay up?

Immediately I realize
the folly of that statement.

Go to the garage.

And wake up with
Mr. Ed's head in my bed?

I think not.

This is the city.

Los Angeles, California.

I was working the night watch
out of the backyard.

Today is Friday.

My name is ALF.

I carry a bat.

[leaves rustling]

Whoa, someone's lurking
in the bushes.

[meowing]

Cat burglar.

[man screaming]

Wha.. Oh, an intruder!

[screaming]

Oh! Oh! Ow! ALF, no!

ALF, what are you doing?

Protecting the family
from murderers!

You were the last person I
would have suspected, Willie.

[groans]
I'm not a murderer..

...yet!

Yeah, maybe
I should come back

when you're
in a better mood.

Get me down from here!

(Trevor)
'Hey, Tanner, is that you?'

Trevor, what I'm doing..

...is very complicated

and it requires
all my concentration.

So if you'd please
care to come back later

I'd be happy to answer
any questions at that time.

Thank you,
and goodnight.

Goodnight.

Get me down!

Okay, okay.

[Willie slamming]

[groaning]

ALF, would you come
over here for a minute?

Uh-uh.

Would you just..
Would you mind just coming..

Coming here just within
my reach, please?

You appear to be
at the end of my rope.

I thought I told you
to go to bed!

Willie, one of us has to insure
domestic tranquility.

And provide for
the common defense.

Besides, you didn't
say, "Simon says".

[snoring]

[car door closes]

What.. Oh.

A stranger approacheth.

Steady, ALF.

Steady.

Don't soil yourself.

[screams]

Behold. Excalibur.

ALF? What was that?

Willie, you're just in time.
I caught a murderer.

[Willie gasps]

Don't mention it.

He's out cold.

My guess would be that he hit
his head on your sewer pipe.

What's going on, ALF?

Hero ALF.

Why is dad going
through the pockets

of man in a hole
in our backyard at night?

Because we have an alien.

Oh, right.

What are you looking for?

His wallet.

Okay, but we split 50/50.

I am looking
for identification!

You're wasting your time.

No criminal's gonna
carry ID on him.

Unless he's an FBI agent.

ALF!

[gasps]

I disavow any knowledge
of my actions.

Bye!

Dad, do you think
he's okay?

Well, other than that
unsettling grin on his face

he seems to be fine.

I should tell Jimbo.

Come on, Lynnie.

You have to help me!

Don't let this G-man
take me away!

What do you suggest?

Well, I can't take the rap
and you shouldn't have to.

How about Kate?

[sighs]
Oh, ALF.

Just thinking out loud.

How about Kate's mother?

Forget it.
I'm calling a doctor.

[car door opens]
What's that?

[car door closes]

It's, uh...it's a sedan.

It's the mob!

[knock on door]

May I help you?

(male #1)
'FBI may we come in?'

Willie, don't be a hero!

Don't be a fool
with your life!

Could I see some
identification, please?

Yes, sir.

They've got their ID.

Oh.

Well, I can't let you go to jail
for something I did..

...again.

Which way is South America?

[knock on door]

Adios.

We're looking
for Jim Hutchinson.

Is he here?

Yeah, he'll be out
in a second.

Who's this?

Oh, he's-he's one
of your men.

Willie? What's-what's going on?

Well, there's more FBI now.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Please don't take
my husband away.

Honey, iksnay
on the A-L-Jay.

This ID's a fake.

Hi, guys!

Hi, Jim. Jimbo.

Can we talk
privately?

Hey, it's okay,
they know all about me.

You told some more people?

Why don't you just buy
airtime on the Super Bowl?

[chuckles]

He's the funny one.

We just found out
the Cleveland syndicate's

lookin' for you.

This must be
the guy they sent.

They must have made up
this fake ID

in order to trick Jim..

Jimbo into going
with him.

Shouldn't you be arresting him
about now or something?

Yes, ma'am,
under the circumstances

I think it's best
we take both of them.

Fine.

Not that we haven't enjoyed
having Jimbo stay over.

Thanks.

For everything.

You're the first
person I ever knew

who overlooked
my many faults

and accepted me
for what I am.

I'm gonna miss you, Willie.

But they say friendship
is like an iceberg.

You can't tell by what's
above the surface

just how deep it goes.

Did you know the Titanic's hull

was separated into
16 watertight compartments?

Write him a letter.

ALF?

ALF? Where are you?

Maybe he's
in the garage.

(ALF)
'Ah, oh, ow!'

Oh, ah.

Stupid pipe!

ALF, guess what?

For once your overreacting
actually paid off.

That guy you caught
really was a crook!

As it turns out,
you are a hero!

Well, that's nice.

Really great.

Just one question.

Yeah?

Who are you people?

For meritorious service

above and beyond
the call of duty

we hereby present to you
the Tanner Medal of Honor.

(Kate)
'Hear, hear!'

Yay, ALF!

My hero.

Shucks, folks.

I'm speechless...almost.

"One score and 12 years ago

"My parents brought
forth a new hero

conceived in a De Soto,
and dedicated..."

ALF. ALF, wrap it up
or we take the medal back.

"As God as my witness

I'll never be hungry again."
Thank you.

And now, Kate, how about
making me a hero sandwich?

[laughing]

[knock on door]

Does this belong to you?

I believe so, yes.

You got something I could
cut Raquel down with?

I think there's something
in the garage.

I'll help you.

If you don't want people taking
avocados from your tree

just say so.

Last trap, I promise.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[laughing]