ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 8 - Something's Wrong with Me - full transcript

Here we go.

Well, looks like we're
one short on the cupcakes.

That's the chance you take
when you drop in unannounced.

Hey!

ALF, we're one short
because you had yours already.

Oh!

And I dropped in unannounced

because I have some
incredibly exciting news

I wanna share
with those I love most..

...and those
I can barely tolerate.

Willie, I think she means us.



Whizzer has asked me
to marry him.

Oh! Ho-ho, mom!

That's fantastic! We're gonna
have a Grandpa Whizzer.

(Willie)
Congratulations, Dorothy.

I'm so excited for you.

Ah! Oh, you're excited?

I am really excited.

You're probably
too excited to eat.

Now you just gotta
have the wedding here.

Oh, Kate, I was hoping
you would say that.

Here? In my house?

Yes, here, in our house.

Now Willie and I were
married in my mother's house

and she is going
to be married here.



It's a tradition.

Traditions are like plates.

They're made to be broken.

We are having the wedding here.

When's it gonna be?

We thought sometime next month.

What day?
I might not be available.

You won't. You'll be
in the garage that day.

I think you know why.

I know, I know. Tradition.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Yes, I'd like the number
for Sir Tux Formal Wear.

You know, I think it's nice
that grandma's getting

married here instead
of in some big old hall.

Maybe you'd like
to have your wedding here.

Mom, don't even joke
about something like that.

Uh, yes, this is Willie Tanner.

I'd like to reserve a tux
for Saturday, please.

Oh, I think you've got my
measurements on file.

I was in there in 1967.

Oh, right.

Well, add two inches
to the waist

and lose the bell-bottoms.

Hey, good water, Kate.

Pick up some more of these
tomorrow, will you?

ALF, that water was supposed to
be for the wedding guests.

Well, I only drank
three of these.

I was trying to get
rid of my hiccups.

What hiccups?

[hiccup]

Those hiccups.

That is the strangest
hiccup I've ever heard.

Well, here's another one.

[hiccup]

Oh, no!

Oh..

[hiccup]

...yes.

You're the first humans

who've ever heard the
dreaded Melmacian hiccups.

Well, uh, what is it
that makes them so dreaded

besides that irritating
metallic echo?

That irritating metallic echo

gets louder and louder.
Day by day.

Week by week. Year by..

[hiccup]

...year.

How many years
are we talking about?

I'm not sure.

[hiccup]

My Uncle Tinkle
had them for 50 years.

Tinkle?

Good idea.

[instrumental music]

What's he doing?

He's still sitting in the closet

breathing into a paper bag.

Well, it must be working.
He hasn't hiccupped in..

[ALF hiccupping]

...fifty two seconds.

Okay, okay, we've tried sugar.

We've tried honey.
We've tried lemon juice.

We've tried half a turkey.

You gave him our turkey?

He said it was
a bold experiment.

Well, I hardly got
any sleep last night.

I slept like a baby.

A baby trapped
inside a percolator.

I guess you don't want
any coffee then.

I'll take mine black.

You're too young.

I feel old.

[ALF hiccupping]

Well, that sure didn't work.

[sighs]
ALF, I am sorry that you're
going through this

but I do hope that
your hiccups will be gone

before the wedding tomorrow.

[hiccup]

ALF, why don't you try
holding your breath again?

That should work.

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

[thwacking]

[gasping]

[hiccup]

[knock on door]

(Trevor)
'Hey Tanners, are you in there?'

ALF, it's Trevor.
Uh, take your hiccups

and get out of here.

Fine, if he complains about
the turkey bones in his yard

play dumb.

Is everyone decent?

If not, I won't stay too long.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you
were saying grace.

We're finished.

Amen.

What's up, Trevor?

Ah, it's Raquel.

She said a weird noise
kept her up all night.

I couldn't hear anything
from my bedroom.

Weird noise?

Yeah. Kind of a metallic..

[imitating ALF's hiccup]

...sound.

At first I thought it was my pet

Bollock insisting
choking on a rat.

[ALF hiccupping]

It's coming from here.

Oh, that noise.

That's our garbage disposal
spinning the fritz.

Ah! That's why

you've been throwing
turkey bones on my lawn.

I'm sorry, Trevor.

Someone...I-I'll clean
that up right away.

Ah, that's okay.

Good fertilizer.

Well, hate to eat and run.

But Raquel has breakfast ready.

Religious kid you got there.

Brian.

Amen.

I better go check on ALF.

[ALF hiccups]

[shatters]

What is that?

Hey, Willie.

I discovered something.

What?

I'm Ella Fitzgerald.

[hiccup]

[shatters]

[instrumental music]

Oh, hi, ALF. How's it goin'?

[hiccup]

About the same, huh?

What are you looking for?

My Melmacian medical
encyclopedia.

I might have a cure
for the hiccups.

- 'Mmm.'
- 'Oh.'

- Here, hold this, Willie.
- What is it?

[pops]

Well, that's just nuclear
waste from my spaceship.

[gasps]

Well, hey, don't worry.

Life on this planet will exist

as long as that little
lid doesn't pop off.

[gasps]
Oh, wait. These are my crayons.

ALF, what-what does this
encyclopedia look like?

Well, I don't remember.
I only used it once.

When I was mauled by a gnarf.

A gnarf?

Don't laugh. It was a pit gnarf.

Uh, could this be it?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

"The Furry Home Companion."

Well, isn't that a little bit
thin for an encyclopedia?

Our bodies
aren't that complicated.

[hiccup]

We have ten major organs.

Eight of which are stomachs.

I would have guessed all ten.

Let's see here.

"Stomach aches, stomach flu

stomach transplants."

Here we are. "Hiccups."

[mumbling]

Hey, hey, all I have to do is
drink a glass of cat juice.

No problem.

Cat juice?

What is cat juice?

Well, it's just
like orange juice

but instead of squeezing
the juice out of an orange

just squeeze the
juice out of a...

Uh, I don't wanna hear it.

Then cover your ears.

Cat!

I heard it.

You were warned.

[hiccup]

Look, there's got
to be another cure.

There is, but you
don't wanna hear it.

It's disgusting.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Kate.

[Lucky purrs]

Hi, juicy. Uh, Lucky.

Anything you do to this cat,
I will do to you.

Oh, Lucky.

Mwah!

Kate?

Later.

[ALF hiccupping]

Hi, ALF. Hi, hon.

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, sure, you'll kiss him,
but not me.

Don't ask. Did you find a
place to have the wedding?

Oh, no, all the
churches are booked.

All-all except the
Malibu Nudist Chapel.

My mother is not getting
married in a nudist colony.

Well, if she does,
I'm not going.

I have this tattoo
I'd rather not explain.

ALF, we told you.

Wherever they get married,
you're not going.

But who's gonna sing
"Sunrise Sunset?"

Whizzer.

Whizzer?
What kind of name is that?

Well, what kind of name
is Uncle Tinkle?

You win.

[hiccup]

If those hiccups get any louder,
there may not be a wedding.

[hiccup]

[shatters]

Or a house.

[ALF hiccupping]

Wow, you could even hear
him in the basement.

[ALF hiccupping]

With the door closed.

[ALF hiccupping]

And the mattress over his head.

And cotton in our ears.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my gosh.
It's my mother and Whizzer.

Oh, he'll hear the hiccups.

He'll find out about ALF.

He will call the marriage off.

My mother will be mad at me

for the rest of my life.

Or maybe they won't care.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, mom. Hi, Whizzer.
Come on in.

Don't mind if we do.

That is, if you
don't mind if we do.

Oh, no.

Hey, Whizzer,
nervous about tomorrow?

How could I be nervous? I'm too
excited about my bachelor party.

Well, you know,
angel, I gotta run.

If you come in late for a stag
film, you can't follow the plot.

After the movie, I suppose
you're gonna have

a girl jump out of a cake.

No, we're not gonna
waste money on a cake.

We're just getting a stripper.

Very frugal.

I know, I think
it's Trixie something.

You wanna come, Willie?

Oh, uh..

Not if there's not
gonna be cake.

Smart move.

- Just show up tomorrow.
- You too.

Bye, everybody.

(Kate)
'Bye, bye. Oh!'

[ALF hiccupping]

What is that?

Mom, it-it's ALF.
He has the hiccups.

Aww, that's too bad.

We have tried every
hiccup cure known to man

and half a turkey.

Nothing has worked.

[ALF hiccupping]

Poor little guy.

He may do that tomorrow
at the ceremony, Dorothy.

Shoot him.

Mom!

Well, if he pulls that during
"Sunrise Sunset..."

Well, now just-just-just
take it easy, mom.

We're still, we're looking
for a cure.

Other than cat juice.

Cat juice?

That's the cure
for hiccups on Melmac.

No, we're not mashing a cat
just to cure ALF's hiccups.

How about just
for a cheap thrill?

[hiccup]

Thanks a lot, you hiccupping
hair ball from hell.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, well, you're a wiener.

[hiccup]

What...mom that
was a little rough.

I mean, it's not ALF's fault
that he has the hiccups.

Yeah, don't forget who
brought you and Whizzer

together in the first place.

You did, you did ALF
and I'm sorry.

If it weren't for me, you'd
be spending tomorrow alone.

Watching reruns of "Bonanza".

You're probably right.
Again, I apologize.

The high point of
your entire evening

would be catching a glimpse of
Michael Landon's chest hair.

I said I was sorry!

There's no talking to her.

ALF, would you
excuse us, please?

We wanna talk about
you for a moment.

Well, I'm flattered.

But don't let the wiener
bad-mouth me.

Wiener!

Well..

...desperate times call
for desperate measures.

We make some cat juice.

We are not juicing a cat.

Not in my blender, anyway.

Well, what if we use that
blender your sister sent us?

- Willie!
- I-I'm sorry!

Kate, I was just trying to help.

Well, I don't mean a real cat.

We just mix up a batch of goop
and we tell ALF it's cat juice.

That's a great idea.

- Kate, what do you say?
- Well, alright.

But we are using the blender
my sister sent us!

[hiccup]

Wow, listen to that reverb.

ALF.

We...have a surprise for you.

Dorothy exploded?

No.

ALF.

We decided that your health is
more important than a, a cat.

So this...is, uh,
freshly squeezed..

Cat juice.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Enjoy.

Well, where's the
little umbrella?

Just drink it.

Okay.

Alas, poor Lucky,
I liked him as a cat.

I love him as a cocktail.

[hiccup]

Uh, it's not Lucky. It's a..

...it's a stray.

Well, it's not
a road kill, is it?

No!

Good, 'cause
I have my standards.

Is it kosher?

Just drink it.

Alright.

[slurping]

[shrieks]

[gasping]

[burps]

Well, at least
it wasn't a hiccup.

But...are you, are you cured?

I don't know.

But I'll tell you one thing.

I've got to get to the bathroom.

As they say, you don't buy
cat juice you rent it.

[instrumental music]

Say something, Brian.

Like what?

I don't know. Anything.

Hi, I'm Ted Koppel.

And this...is "Nightline".

Oh, I forgot to ask.
How-how was your bachelor party?

Oh, the usual.

By the way,
could you do me a favor?

Would you be my best man?

Oh, what happened to Garland?

Oh, he's gone to a better place.

- What?
- Yeah.

He went home with the stripper.

[gasps]
Oh!

[instrumental "Wedding March"]

Hiya, gorgeous.

I thought Garland was
gonna be your best man.

Oh, he's in a better place now.

- Another stripper, huh?
- Yeah.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

in the presence of God

to unite these two
in holy matrimony.

[ALF sobbing]

[clears throat]

Who gives this woman
to this man?

I do.

[sobs]

Dorothy Halligan..

[ALF sobbing]

...d-do you take this man

Whizzer Deaver to be your..

[ALF blows nose]

Your first husband
did pass away, right?

I'll just see what
that is and eliminate it.

Sorry.

Oh-oh.

Oh, I'll be right back.

[panting]

Hi, Willie. Que pasa?

What do you think you're doing?

Speaking Spanish.

You know what I mean.

What were you doing in there?

I'm sorry.

I really wanted to go
to the wedding.

The minister said that
he'd wait until we get back.

Well, then let's go.

ALF, we've told you
hundreds of times.

If somebody sees you,
they could turn you in.

Is that what you want?

No, I want cake.

And I wanna be a
part of the family.

You are a part
of the family, ALF.

Look, the only reason mom
and dad put you in the garage

is because they don't want
anyone to find out about you.

They care about you.

I mean, why else would they
have made that fake cat juice?

Fake cat juice?

I'm sorry.

Fake cat juice?

You thought you could
fool me, huh?

We did fool you.

[hiccup]

[ALF hiccupping]

What was that?

That's your cue, Whizzer.
Start singing.

We'll be right back.

[indistinct chatter]

Hit it.

[piano playing]

♪ Is this the little
girl I carried ♪

♪ Is this the little
boy at play ♪

Where is he?

[hiccup]

Right here at the epicenter.

A white dress?

Who do you think you're kidding?

Willie, Willie,
we've gotta do something.

They can hear ALF in the house

and they don't like it.

[hiccup]

Listen, ALF, yesterday you said
there was a second cure

for Melmacian hiccups.
Now what is it?

I'm telling you
it's really disgusting.

- Tell us what it is!
- Fine.

The other cure is...eating
raw spinach.

Raw spinach?

Don't even say it.
I'm going to..

- Mmm.
- Lynnie, quick!

Get some spinach.
Make sure it's good and raw.

Right.

But spinach is so gross!

[hiccup]

On-on Melmac, Popeye
is considered a geek.

[sighs]
Okay, ALF, forget the spinach.

We'll go to plan B.

What's plan B?

It involves gunfire.

Yeah. Uh, alright, alright!

I'll eat the darn spinach.

[hiccup]

I-I mean,
it's good for you, right?

Uh, it's got iron and calcium

and grains of sand.

Why are you inching
towards the door?

I'm not inching
towards the door.

(Willie)
I beg to differ with you.

You are inching
towards the door.

Nay, sir, you are in error.

[hiccup]

Here's the spinach.

Eeeeh!

See, uh, now I'm inching
away from the door.

I'm sort of shuffling,
just gliding.

- What's going on in there?
- It's chaos.

The best man just showed up with
a woman wearing leopard pants.

Eat your spinach!

[gulps]

Well, at least
there's a bug on it.

Bye, uh, Trixie, was it? Yes.

Garland, have a nice
time in Tijuana.

Oh, guys! Have a good time
on your honeymoon.

I always do.

[laughing]

Isn't he terrible?

Listen, if you ever find
the wedding cake

save us a piece.

Wasn't that the-the
strangest thing?

The whole cake just
disappearing like that?

[ALF burps]

(ALF)
'Pardon me.'

Now, mommy, if you have any
questions on your honeymoon

or if you just wanna talk,
you be sure to call me, okay?

[laughing]

So long, Dottiekins.

- Oh.
- Oh, hey, don't!

ALF, you're supposed
to take the rice

out of the box
before you throw it.

Well, next you're gonna tell me
I'm not supposed to tie a cat

to the back of the car.

- Lynn, go cut Lucky loose.
- Right away.

[theme music]

[hiccup]

[instrumental music]