ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 9 - Night Train - full transcript

ALF reminisces his "adventures" on Melmac. Willie reveals that when he was 17, he hopped on trains and crossed the whole country. ALF gets excited about the idea and talks Willie into taking him to the rail yard.

Hey, Kate, guess what I am.

Is it something
that begins with "couch"

and ends with "potato"?

Cheap shot, Kate-mandu.

I'm a Type T personality.

Okay, ALF.
What is a Type T personality?

Well, according to this article

a Type T is a thrill-seeker.

Someone who looks for danger

who laughs in the face of death.


Is this from the same person

who watched the movie "Aliens"

from under the couch?

Hey, I thought I owed
one of those guys money.

Am I a Type T?

Well, do you enjoy
hand gliding off cliffs

into rock filled gorges?

I don't know.

Well, let's find out!

What do you say
we jump off the roof?

You land feet-first,
you're a wimp.

I'll go get the ladder!

No one is jumping off the roof.

Hey, Kate, let me know

when you'll let your son
act like a man.

Aah! Paper cut, paper cut!


'How was work today, honey?'

What are you doing in my bed?

Your bed?
It happens to be half Kate's!

Did Kate say
you could lie there?

Does that sound
like something Kate would say?

Get out of my bed.

Now, that sounds like Kate.

ALF, did you take my pillow?

Yeah, it's under my tushie.

- Keep it.
- Don't go! I'm depressed!

And Willie's
kicking me out of bed.

I'm sorry. I-I didn't know you
were depressed. What's wrong?

Well, I was looking through
my photos.

Seeing all the adventures
I used to have.


Here, that's me
climbing Mt. Floppy

on the planet Griphard.

Climbing? That mountain
looks flat.

It is flat.

It's the planet that's tilted.

The planet.. tilted.

That's amazing!

Try playing golf there sometime.

You're lucky if you shoot
in the low 600s.

What are you doing
in this barrel?

Oh, there I was getting ready

to go up Widow-maker Falls.

You went up a waterfall?

Yeah, and the ride was so rough

I almost threw down!

You really did have
an exciting life.

"Did" is the operative word.

Those days are over, ma cherie.

Well, you had
a pretty exciting day yesterday.

How do you figure that?

You built that big bonfire
in our backyard.

And you got to see
the fire engines again.

Well, that gets old.
Right, Willie?

No, I get a lump in my throat
every single time.

Look who I'm talking to
about excitement.

Now, look here, I'm not gonna be
put down by some guy

who climbed the flat mountain.

I-I know my life may appear

a bit routine at times

but I've had
my share of adventure.

I've lived on the edge.

That's right.

When I was born,
mom and dad lived

on the edge of Bakersfield.

Now, you listen to me,
young lady.

There's plenty about me
that you, uh.. don't know.

Like what?

Well, nothing you really
need to know about right now.

Does it have anything to do

with you wearing
Kate's red pumps?

No, it's..

Why would you..

Why would you
say something like that?

I'm an instigator.

Dad, tell us what you did.


Oh, please.
I really wanna know.

Well, uh..

When I was 17
I hopped a freight train.

I took it right straight
across the whole country.

You're kidding!

What did you do for money?

I did odd jobs, I, uh..

I washed dishes..

I-I played the piano

in a honky-tonk place
in Texas.

- Does mom know about all this?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

But...she doesn't like me
to talk about it

because she doesn't want
you and Brian getting any ideas.

- How come?
- Well, uh..

She doesn't want them
hopping trains.

- How come?
- Well..

That's not something
you want your children to do.

How come?

I don't know, it's just Kate

laying down
these arbitrary rules.

Well, that's Kate for ya.

Hey, Willie,
is this the kind of train

you used to hop?

Well, the others were bigger,
of course

and they-they didn't just
run around in circles.

But, uh..

...basically, yeah.

How'd you do it?


Here's what I'd do, you see.

I'd case the yard,
I-I'd hide in the bush.

I'd wait until dark and when
I saw my train was pulling out

I would just go
make a run for it.

Whoa! Well, did it ever get
so dark

you jumped on the wrong thing

like a bus or a parade?

Try to ask
some sensible questions, ALF.


Which one is the kitchen car?

There wasn't any kitchen car.

Yes, I sat in the boxcar,
I-I ate beans out of a can.

That's how I got
my traveling name!

Bean head?

Boxcar Willie.

Wow, what a cool name!

Hey, can I have your autograph?

- No!
- Come on, come on!

I guess.

Willie, are you sure
you don't want to go

to my mother's with us?

Oh, yeah, I'm positive.

If dad doesn't have to go,
why do I?

Because you're my son
and I can tell you what to do.

Well, there you have it.

- What's this?
- Oh, it's, uh, my autograph.

Uh, ALF wanted it.

It's for a friend.

Well, we'll be back
in a couple of hours.

Now, don't get into any trouble.

Don't worry about Willie.
I'll keep an eye on him.

I was talking to you.

I know. I was being playful.

- See you later, Willie.
- Okay.

- Buh-bye.
- Bye.

Now's our chance.

Let's go down to the train yard.

No, we're not hopping any train.

I'm not talking
about riding the rails!

I just wanna see them!

Please, Willie. Ple-e-ease?

No, we can't!
Really, ALF, we can't.

Alright. Tell me
when this gets annoying.

Yeah, yeah. You hopped
the freight train.

Sure. Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, I almost believed that.
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Look at Mr. Excitement.

Forget it, ALF.
It's not working!

Okay, I'll try something else.

Willie, please take me
to see the trains.

I haven't had an adventure
in a long time.

Alright, maybe this will work.

Willie, I'm dying.

I've only got 24 hours to live,
25, tops.

Okay, come on.

You bought that?

I bought
the second thing you said.

Oh! Well, what was it?

I might wanna
use it again some time.

Come on.

- Bring a sweater.
- Okay.

Boy, there's nothing
like a train yard at night!

Yeah. It is peaceful.

Whoa! What's that thing?

That's the train!

It makes the one you have
look like a toy!

That's really something,
isn't it?

You know that engine alone
weighs about 75 tons?

You know what would happen
if I put a penny on that track?

The train'd derail and all the
bums would spill their beans.

That penny would be flat.

Wille, pennies are already flat.

'Hey, who's out there?'

Uh-oh, that's the guard.

You mean, that guy
with the Seeing Eye dog?

Duh! Big deal!

No. That's no Seeing Eye dog.

That's a Doberman pinscher.

Yikes! Don't let him pinch me!


'Hey, get away from that train!'

ALF, jump!

Run, Boxcar, run!

All aboard!

Hey, I always
wanted to say that.

Well, you got your wish!

And you got yours, too!

We're riding the rails, Willie.

- Ain't it grand?
- No, it ain't.

Now the train's going too fast,
we can't get off!

You're acting like
this is all my fault.

Well, isn't it?

I was hoping we could share.

♪ Good morning America
how are ya? ♪

♪ Don't you know me ♪

♪ I'm your native son ♪♪

What's the next line?

Just be quiet.

Really? I'm surprised
that song was such a big hit.

♪ Just be quiet
just be quiet ♪

♪ Just be quiet ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪♪

Who do you think
is on "Letterman" tonight?

Probably Teri Garr.

Maybe hopping the train
was a bad idea.

Maybe? Maybe..

Whatever possessed you

to do such a thing?

I am not sure.

Isn't impetuosity a word?

Yes, it is.

Then I did it
because I'm impetuosity.

I couldn't help myself.

You made riding the rails
sound so exciting!


As long as we're here

we might as well
enjoy ourselves, eh?

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Come on. Let's crack open
a can of beans.

What beans?
We've got no beans.

This trip
was totally misrepresented.

Look, let's just
look out the door

watch the world go by.

It's dark out.

Let's just stare
at the darkness.

Stare at the darkness?

What are you? A beatnik?

Listen, this was your idea
to ride the rails.

Don't you think
the least you could do

is to try to make
the most of it?

Alright! Alright! I'll stare.

'Litchfield? Flatcar?'

'Is that you?'

Willie! Willie, it's a hobo.

Hide me.

Uh, no, I'm sorry. We're not
Litchfield and Flatcar.

Don't be sorry.
They got no teeth.

- Where's your buddy?
- Well, he's there.

Just-just there
behind the crates.

He's...he's shy.

He's terribly shy
around strangers.

Strangers? Hey, I'm no stranger.
You are the stranger!

I know everybody
who rides the Rock Island line.

Mighty good line.


Never mind.
Nothing, I-I, noth..

- You're a funny guy.
- Oh.

- Gravel Gus.
- Willie Tanner.

H-how do you do?

Uh, say, Gravel Gus

I guess you got your name
because of your voice there.

- Right?
- No.

It's because the first six times
I tried to hop a freight

I landed facedown
in the gravel.


It could be worse.
Ask Cesspool Steve.

Oh, double ooh.

- How long you been riding?
- Uh, since I was about 17.

Of course, I took
a break there for 30 years.

30 years. That's how long
I've been riding.

I used to work
on Madison Avenue.

And one day I decided to chuck
the A game.

Here I am.

That's a fascinating story.

Yeah. Too bad it's not true.

Hm. Actually I've always been
a bum.

Well, there's dignity in that.

Not the way I done it.

Hey, you guys want some beans?

I do! I do!

Ahh! A loose kangaroo!

Hey! Is he alright?

Well, he fell facedown
in a pile of gravel.

Well, this is a fine

No matter what happens,
I get no beans.

You know, I'm really getting
tired of you whining.

I'm getting tired of whining.
So there!

I guess I won't mention
how cold it is.

Thank you.

Is it okay if I put my foot
under your armpit?

No, it's not!

- Aren't you cold?
- Yes, I am.

Wouldn't you like to wrap your
armpit around my nice warm foot?

Look, ALF,
if we don't think about the cold

it's not going to be so bad.

Fine. Live in a fantasy world.

- Whoa!
- Ow, ooh, Willie.

- I bumped my head.
- Oh, here, let me see.

Ow, you're hurting me.

Do you know, for someone
who's traveled all the way

across this universe
and had all kinds of adventures

climbed a flat mountain?

You are an incredible baby.

I never climbed Mount Floppy.

What are you talkin' about?
I saw you in the picture.

It was taken at a carnival.

I stuck my head
through a cardboard cutout.

It cost me a wernick.

- A wernick?
- Yeah.

That's ten dollars on Melmac.

Well, what about, what about

that picture of you
in that barrel?

- I paid a matter for it.
- What's a matter?

Well, for one thing,
I've got this bump on my head.

Ha ha ha!

Good one, huh?

This was back when
you were dating Rhonda?

Yeah, but there was no such
thing as dating on Melmac.

If you liked a girl,
you took her to dinner

and a movie.

Just sounds
remarkably like dating.

We called it taking a girl
to dinner and a movie.

Uh, just like
there were no telephones.

They were called those plastic
things on the counter that ring.

Of course. Of course.

It's just as plain as this
breathing apparatus on my face.

That's your nose, Willie.

Why must you needlessly
complicate everything?

Please continue.

Well, I just started
going out with Rhonda

when my planet blew up.

Unlucky in love.

Unlucky in Armageddon.

I'm sorry, ALF.

Hey, at least
I don't worry anymore.

When my planet blew up,
I realized one thing.

You have to live every moment
to the fullest.

Oh, look, Willie

that's where Melmac used to be.


That spot up there
where it looks like

there should be a planet.

Oh, look, ALF,
it's a shooting star.

Make a wish.


Well, what did you wish?

I wished I had my planet back.



Well, cheer up, ALF,
because at least you know

your friends
are still out there.

you'll meet up someday.

May-maybe you and Rhonda
will get together.

Maybe you'll get married.

Yeah. Hey, I'm still young.

If I'm not married by the time
I hit the big four-O-O

then I'll panic.

Maybe I'll marry Lynn.

- What?
- I'm kidding. Cool down.

Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Uh, you are kidding about that?

- Yes!
- Okay, I'm cool.

I guess you always knew
you were gonna get married

and settle down, huh?

Well, actually, uh..

...I didn't really
ever think I really would.

No luck with the babes?

No, I had babes.
I mean, I had girlfriends.

I just, uh, I didn't think I..

I wanted to do the things
my father did.

What was he like?


You know, he was married,
two kids, lived in the suburbs.

Wow. And you're his son.

I'm sorry, Willie, go on.

I just, I wanted my life to be
more exciting than his was.

That's all.
That's why I started..

That's why I started
riding the rails.

So what happened?

Well, I met a girl in Colorado.

We were working
in this restaurant.

She-she was saving her money
to go to California.

She wanted to be an actress.

And I don't know,
we started going out together

and before I knew it, I..

...I-I fell in love.

Why, I never knew Kate
wanted to be an actress.

No. It wasn't Kate.

It was Linda Evans.

That's the truth.

Really? You dated her?

Well, way to go, Willie.

What happened?

Oh, I don't know.

She set out to find
the footlights

and I set out to find the sky.

Boy, you showed her.

Well, it's just as well,
I found the girl of my dreams

I found that girl, that one girl
I wanted to spent the whole

rest of my life with.

- Joan Collins?
- Kate.

- Kate.
- Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, you married
the right girl.

Linda's much too busy.

She'd never be home in time
to tuck me in.

Well, I'm so glad you approve.

Kate's made me
a very happy man, you know.

Yeah, but you better face it,

You did follow
in your father's footsteps.

Yeah, but I found out

there's a lot of adventure
out there in the suburbs.

There is.

Buying our house

having our first Christmas

seeing Lynne come out
of the delivery room..

...hearing Brian say "Dad,"
you know?

Hey. Hey.

What about that pesky alien
crashing through your roof?

That's certainly
been an adventure.

Yeah, for me too.

Willie.. you ever wish I hadn't
crashed through your roof?




Hello? Willie!

Willie, where are you?

You're kidding.

well, honey, I'll be there
as soon as I can.

I'm glad I married you too.

Are dad and ALF alright?

They are Barstow.
They've been riding the rails.

That's fantastic.

I mean that's terrible. Bad dad.

- Bad ALF.
- I'll pick them up.

What's riding in the rails?

Uh, something that your father
did a long time ago

and that you will never do.

Oh, you mean like dating
Linda Evans?

That's right.

Well, I found a mini-mart
down the road. I called Kate.

She said.. She says she'll be
here in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

What are we gonna do till then?

Hey, way to go, Boxcar.

To Gus.

You know..

...I had a lot
of fun today, ALF.

- Thanks.
- My pleasure.

We'll do this again sometime.

That's what you think.

♪ Good morning America ♪

♪ How are ya? ♪

♪ Don't you know me? ♪

♪ I'm your native son ♪

♪ I'm the train they call ♪

♪ The city of New Orleans ♪

♪ And I'll be gone 500 miles ♪
♪ And I'll be gone 500 miles ♪

♪ When the day is done ♪
♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ Just be quiet
just be quiet ♪

♪ Just be quiet ♪♪