ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 26 - Varsity Drag - full transcript

Hi, ALF.

Hi.

What does
E-N-N-U-I spell?

Beats me.

What do we send
you to school for?

Beats me.

Can I see the mail?

I'm expecting to hear
from the matchbook people

on how well
I drew Binky.

Here you go, ALF.

"Occupant."
"Resident."



Lingerie catalog.

Kate, you saucy vixen, you!

Uh-oh.

They didn't like
your Binky?

Worse! It's from that
college Lynn wants to go to.

Why is that bad?

The college
is in Massachusetts.

If Lynn goes to college
in Massachusetts

she won't be
living here anymore.

- Hi!
- Hi.

No mail today.

Then what are you holding?

Mail.

I'm a terrible liar.



- Let me see.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?
- Ennui?

Ding ding ding!
That's absolutely correct.

No need for you
to go to college.

Give that to me.

Oh, my gosh, it's here!
Cross your fingers, everybody!

No problem.

Alright!
This is fantastic!

I can't believe it!
I've got to call Laurie.

Yes! Yes!

Maybe she didn't get in.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

- What was that for?
- Well, nothing.

[sighs]

Is there something wrong?

What could possibly be wrong?

You're moving out.

You won't be living here.

You'll never call,
you'll never write.

ALF, just because
I'm going away to Amherst

doesn't mean you're never
gonna see me again.

What's the matter,
aren't you happy here?

It's Kate, isn't it?

No, and it's not that
I'm not happy here.

It's just that it's time
for me to be out on my own

to make my own decisions,
my own mistakes.

You can make mistakes here.

Take it from one who knows.

I get the point.

You don't want me
to go away to school.

Well, uh, yeah. Sorta.

Oh, ALF!
That's so sweet.

No mush.

Sorry.

Do you know
I'm gonna miss you too?

- You will?
- Uh-huh.

I'll write to you
every week

and I'll even
send you a sweatshirt.

Just send me a regular shirt,
I'll sweat in it myself.

Better idea.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Just in time.

We were discussing sweat.

Which side would
you like to expound?

Could we postpone
the sweat debate?

There's something that Kate
and I wanna discuss with Lynn.

Fine! I'll hie me
to yon refrigerator

and forage
for meat loaf.

Later, dude, dudettes.

Is something wrong?
You guys look upset.

Uh, I'm afraid,
we have some bad news, honey.

I've checked this over
a dozen different ways but..

I-I guess there's no
easy way to say this.

We just can't afford to send you
away to school next year.

When I applied, you said this
wasn't gonna be a problem.

Well, we've had some
complications since then.

- You mean ALF.
- Yeah, I mean ALF.

We counted on my having
a full-time job this past year

but with ALF here,
that just wasn't possible.

And we've had so many
extra expenses

supporting him, you know,
there's food, and breakage

and food..

You can still get a very good
education at a state university.

But you will have
to live at home.

I guess I should have
seen this coming.

If it's any consolation..

...we've had a rare opportunity

living with an alien.

You know, you couldn't get
that at Amherst.

I'll never find out,
will I?

I'm sorry, Lynn,
if you're unhappy.

But you know in life, we can't
always get everything we want.

Oh yeah, dad?
Where did you go to college?

Uh, Amherst.

Oh.

My parents didn't
have an alien.

Give me an L! Give me a Y,
give me an N, N, N!

Now lose the extra N.

What have you got?

Was it something
I spelled?

[instrumental music]

Lynnie, have a cookie.

- No, thank you.
- Oh, boy! More for me.

And me!

You know how to eat these?

Twist off the top

and lick off all
the gooey stuff inside.

Really? That's how
I eat a jar of mayonnaise.

You're right, dad.

I couldn't get this kind
of education at Amherst.

[burps]

Lynn, I know
you're disappointed

but there are a lot
of very fine schools nearby.

You can get a very,
very good education.

But it's not
the same thing.

I wanted to live in a dorm
so I could finally be on my own.

Lynn, we've explained this
to you already.

We can't afford to
send you away to school.

Fine, I'm going to my room

the place I'll be sleeping
for the next four years.

Oh, this is terrible.

Why? You're gonna have
your daughter around

for the next four years.

We would've been happier if
she could have gone to Amherst.

Then you wanted
to get rid of her.

Was it because she drinks
milk right out of the carton?

Of course not.

Phew! Thank goodness!

We didn't want
to get rid of her.

It's just that it's hard
when your child wants something

and you can't
give it to her.

I've got a solution
to your problem.

Oh, please,
clue us in.

Brian, bring me
the family budget.

Or as I like to call it,
gone with the wind.

[laughing]

Alright, what are you doing
with our family budget?

I'm trying to bring some fiscal
sanity into this household.

Thank you,
my trusty sidekick.

You're welcome, Lord Vader.

Uh, Willie, look at this.

A payment to your mechanic
for new brake shoes.

Isn't that a trifle foppish?

Of course.
You're right.

I'd get home a lot faster if
I were unable to stop the car.

And these grocery bills!

Well, we can't touch those.

Although, I might point out
that filet of cat

is cheaper than roast of beef.

Oh, here we are. This is what
I was looking for.

Miscellaneous. $10,000.

Just stop buying
so many miscellaneouses.

What are they,
Greek pastries?

ALF, we weren't gonna
tell you this but

those miscellaneous expenses are
what it costs to support you.

- No.
- I would've guessed higher.

On Melmac you could support
a family of four with that.

On Earth, we used to support
a family of four with that.

So what you're saying is..

...I'm the real reason Lynn
can't go away to school.

I feel like slime.

I feel like slime guts.

I feel like
slime gut droppings.

I feel like slime gut
droppings on an open fire.

How do you feel?

Nauseous.

[instrumental music]

(ALF)
'Kate, Willie?'

Where's the fire extinguisher?

2.1 seconds.
A new record!

- There's no fire.
- I know.

I just wanted
your immediate attention.

You got it.
What do you want?

Well, since it's my fault that
Lynn can't go away to college

I'm gonna do
something about it.

Okay.

Willie, I'm getting you
a night job.

What?

I noticed
you spend your evenings

just hanging around the house.

Yes, I like to call
that living my life.

Call it what you will.
It's a thing of the past.

Now, I've got something
here for you.

It's called,
"men's room attendant."

Do I look like
a men's room attendant?

No, you look like
a scrubbing bubble.

- You have an interview at 9:00.
- I'm not going.

We'll have to build up
his confidence.

I'm not going.

Well, now, Kate, I notice

you yourself are
not gainfully employed.

'To wit, I have several
suggestions.'

Suggestion one.

"Telemarketing.
For interview call 555-Jugs."

Pass.

Suggestion two.

"Be a model
in your spare time.

For interview call 555-Jugs."

Where did you get
this newspaper?

- I called 555-Jugs.
- Juggs.

Suggestion three.

ALF, Kate and I
have all the careers

we can handle
at the moment, thank you.

Alright. How about putting Brian
in a serial commercial?

That Mikey kid
must be pushing 40 by now.

ALF, I appreciate
what you're trying to do

but you've got
to leave this to us.

We-we just have
to make some sacrifices.

Sacrifices?

Well, you're not gonna throw me
in a volcano, are you?

Oh, no, no!
No, of course not. No.

Well, I guess I've got
no other choice.

I'll have to get a job.

You?

Hey, hey, here's something!

Exotic dancer.
I could do that!

ALF, you can't get a job.

Do you remember the time
you tried to earn money

doing phone surveys?

- Yeah.
- 'How much money did you make?'

None.

How many policemen
came to the house?

Eleven.

Enough said.

- Goodnight, ALF.
- Night, ALF.

Goodnight.

Oh, hey.
Here's the job for me.

And what a majestic title!

It sounds like a superhero.

Paper-Boy!

[instrumental music]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

Now that you're up,
could I see the two of you

in the living room?

[groans]

ALF, we're tired now.
We wanna go to sleep.

Fine, but I don't know
how you two can sleep

considering what's
in the living room.

[gasps]

- What!
- What are these?

Newspapers, Willie.
Get with it!

Why are they here?

Perhaps I should explain.

- Please do!
- No, no, let me guess.

You're a newspaper boy.

Well, we prefer the term
paper person.

It's gender-neutral.

Do you actually believe

that you can afford to send
someone through college

with a paper route?

No. That's why I
got 10 paper routes.

Oh, 10 paper routes?
There must be 500 papers here.

Well, actually, 501.

They gave me
an extra copy by mistake.

[chuckles]

ALF, you can't
deliver newspapers.

Well, sure, I can!

You haven't
seen my throwing arm.

Willie, I can't throw you
and the newspaper.

Well, you two
better get dressed.

Why?

If these papers
aren't delivered

500 people
won't get their news.

Their weather,
their Doonesbury.

Well, nobody
ever gets Doonesbury.

It's become self indulgent,
don't you think?

Willie..

Willie, no, Willie,
I hate to say..

Willie, we're gonna have
to deliver these papers

500 people want
their newspaper.

And I wanna win
a new bicycle.

Alright.

Alright. Help me
load them into the car.

Uh, listen,
on your way home

could you pick me up
a an Egg McMuffin?

(Kate)
'Freeze, paperboy!'

- Me?
- You're coming with us.

- What, are you crazy?
- I can't deliver papers.

- Someone might see me.
- That's their tough luck.

[instrumental music]

[crickets chirping]

(ALF)
'I think this is the one.
No, no, no, no! Uh, uh..'

'Yeah, yeah, this is the one.
No, no, no. Wait, wait.'

Uh, might be this one.

No, no, no, no!

Oh, yeah, yeah! It is,
it is. Right here.

Throw, Willie! Now, now!

[rattling]

Oops!

Oops?

Would you be so kind
as to define..

...oops?

Wrong house.

Again.

Hey, what do I look like,
The Amazing Kreskin?

It's dark out there.

Want me to drive
for a while?

[instrumental music]

Okay, Willie,
make a left here.

Oh, no, no!
Right, right.

Oh, no, no. Go straight.
Go straight.

Okay, now, now right.
Make a right now.

Right. Why aren't you turning?

Well, there's
no intersection!

Good answer.

(Kate)
We haven't delivered
a paper in 15 minutes.

ALF, are you sure you know
where we're going?

ALF?

[snoring]

[sighs]

Last one.

Well, it's about time!

- Kate?
- Raquel.

You're up early.

Are you our
new paperboy?

We prefer paper person,
it's gender-neutral.

Kate, hey, Kate, you should have
told us you were destitute.

Oh, no, Raquel.

We're just earning
a little extra money

to send Lynn away to school.

Uh-huh. Sure.

Well, if you and the family
ever have to sleep in your car

please feel free
to park on our front lawn.

Right next to
Trevor's cousin.

Someone lives in
that Volkswagen?

No, not the Volkswagen,
the jeep.

Well, brr.

[instrumental music]

Raquel saw me
delivering her paper.

She thinks
we're destitute.

Destitute?

I got a job,
I got a paper route

I got an interview
at 9:00 a.m.

Look alive! The evening
edition will soon be here.

No more editions,
no more paper routes

no more ink on my fingers.
This madness must stop.

Hey, come on!

What's four years of sleep

compared to our
daughter's happiness?

She's not our daughter.

I mean she's our daughter.

She's not our daughter.

- Who's not your daughter?
- You.

Since when?

Lynn, of course
you're our daughter.

Well, biologically
you're their daughter

but I will be giving you away
at your wedding.

I may not be having a wedding.

And if I do, it will probably
be in my bedroom.

Okay. That's it, Lynn!

Yeah, you're grounded!

[knock on door]

Under the table, ALF.

- 'Raquel?'
- 'Oh, hi, Kate.'

(Kate)
'Uh, Raquel, we don't
need this food.'

(Raquel)
'Well, you can't
live on pride. Bon appetit.'

Who is she,
Julia Child?

What was that all about?

Raquel thinks
we're destitute.

Why would she think that?

She saw me deliver
her newspaper this morning.

What?

Oh! ALF got a paper route.

Oh, correction,
he got 10 paper routes.

He wanted to try to raise enough
money to send you to college.

Yeah, and Kate and Willie
were my assistants.

Not my cheerful
assistants mind you.

You guys stayed up all night
delivering newspapers?

Well, two-thirds
of us did.

See what I mean about
the cheerful part?

You did that for me?

Yeah, and the 10-Speed
which I won't be winning.

I've been acting
like such a brat.

I'm sorry.

You're still grounded.

I guess I could go
to college around here.

- You could?
- Yeah.

A lot of my friends are
going to state schools.

It can't be that bad.

Attagirl!
Eat your words.

You never know, maybe in a year
or two I'll be able to transfer.

Well, sure, honey.
Who knows?

Meanwhile, we'll
be living like kings

on the Ochmonek's chickpeas
and cocktail onions.

ALF, you can eat it all.

Okay. But I gotta tell ya,
there's tripe in there.

Sweetheart, I'm so glad
you understand.

Moosh alert!

ALF, come on!
Sometimes moosh is nice.

Oh, alright.

Willie, I love you more
than chickpeas and tripe.

The feeling is mutual.

[instrumental music]

Well, here's a place
you can save money.

That's our fire
insurance premium.

$3000 a year?

You know, it was
only $300 a year

just before you moved in.

Talk about inflation.

Oh, look at this one.
Dental visits twice a year.

You know what that costs?

Forgive us, ALF,
we're fond of our teeth.

Trust me.
You can get by on four.

Pet supplies?

Well, I've got
a solution to that one.

Just a thought.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]