ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 25 - We Are Family - full transcript

A dejected ALF wants to expose his existence to the world. Willie has an idea to help him through the crisis.

Three hundred dollars
in phone calls?

Sorry. I've been bored.

Half of these phone calls
are to the phone in Lynn's room.

I've been lazy too.

You federal expressed
a letter to Brian?

It absolutely, positively
had to be there.

'Hey, Tanners. It's us!'

No problem.
I'll call a cab.

You'll walk! Now!

One day, I'll walk
into that kitchen

and keep right on walking.



- Hi, Trevor, Raquel.
- Willie.

- Hi.
- What's up?

Tomorrow night
we're having a surprise party

for our nephew, Jake.

To celebrate his passing
the eighth grade

after only one year.

He's so smart, it's scary.

A $300 phone bill?

Yes, Raquel,
that's our phone bill.

Most of those calls are
to your daughter's phone number.

We're a close family.

So what's your
repondez, s'il vous plait?

- I'm sure we can all be there.
- Terrific.

The party begins at 8:00,
we'll break the pinata at 9:00.

- See you then.
- Toodles.

A pinata! A pinata!

Let me at it!

Oh, ALF, you know
you have to stay here.


A party where stuff gets broken
and I can't go!

Oh, hi, ALF.

Hey, didn't you see
the sign on the door?

"Genius at work."

I'm sorry.

I didn't make the connection.

- Aah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, as long as you're here,
check this out.

"Do not be afraid.

"I'm a superior being
from the planet Melmac.

And even on Melmac, I was
considered above average."

Of course, they did
grade on a curve.

Read on.

"I'm not a God.

"There is no reason to kneel.

Okay, if you insist."

Works for me. You?

I assume this is more
than a typing lesson.

It's my press release.

I've decided to reveal
myself to the world.

This way I can meet new people.

See a Grateful Dead concert.

I don't think the authorities
would even let you out in public

much less become a deadhead.

You'd become
government property.

That's fine,
as long as I've got my freedom.

Don't you understand?

You'll have no freedom.

What are you saying?
I'd have no freedom?


Think about it, ALF.

You'd-you'd become a specimen
on a shelf.

You'd be alone in a lab.

Doomed to spend each
and every day in isolation.

Look at this.
They've got me wired for cable.

Let's see.

Which was the button
for a cheeseburger?



Oh, that's not it!



Oh, I've got to label
these buttons.

Great. I wiped out half my
childhood memories for celery!

Hey, you! Come here.


How did you get out
of your cage?

I work here.


Uh, look

I'll give you five bucks if
you'll let me out of this cage.

Ten, if you clean it
while I'm out.

Can't do it.


Look, I-I've got
to get out of here.

I've got a family.
I've got a life.

I've got a cake in the oven!

I guess you should've thought
about that

before you exposed yourself
to the world

Specimen A-L-F/1.

I'm not a specimen.
I'm a spaceman.

Get the teeth fixed, Boris.

Well, I guess there's still
no word from the governor.

Well, you're living in the
Dark Ages, Willie or won't he?

Alright, what do you think
would happen

if you went public
with this?

If I revealed myself
to the world

I could become...a star.

- Could not.
- Could too.

I might even get
my own TV show.

A poignant drama
about my generation.

We'll call it "230 something."

Keep dreaming.

It's not a dream, Willie.

This could really happen.

Hey, maybe I'll host a talk show
like David Letterman.

I have a gap between my teeth.

My, oh, my.
We're having some fun tonight.

Later on "Stupid Pet Tricks,"
you'll see a cat

do a 50 foot dive into my mouth.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Say hello to Willie Tanner,
ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, babe.

I want to thank you
for bringing me on board

after you fired Paul Shaffer.

Oh, you're welcome.

Willie boy, he does it all,
including my laundry. Ha! Ha!

May I say, you are the best
dressed dude in the biz.

Yes, you may.

Let's bring out
my first guest

Ms. Sandy Dunkin.

- Hey, nice outfit.
- Thanks.

You buy anything else
at Sher's garage sale?

Ha ha. Just kidding.

What have you been up to?

Um, well..

I've been doing a new series
called "Valerie's Family."

Ah, "Valerie's Family."

That's the one where
they killed off the mother

to give you her job, right?

No, no, no. That's not
actually what happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's your story.

No, no, no. Really, it wa..
Forget it.

Um, ALF, it's-it's good
to be here with you.

I haven't done the show
since you got rid of David.

Well, I didn't at least
kill him to get the job.

You know the longer I sit here,
the more I miss David.

Take elevator five
he's running that now.

We'll be right back after
this word from our sponsor.

Maybe you will be.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.


You've got
a vivid imagination, ALF.

And a surprisingly
big ego, babe.

You're dangerously close to
losing the bandleader gig, man.

I don't wanna be
a bandleader.

I just want you to think
before you do something stupid.

Would inviting ten newspapers
to a press conference

be considered stupid?

- Yes!
- Then you're too late.

You called ten newspapers?

And a couple of TV stations.

Tomorrow at 1:00 p.m.

I shall expose myself
to the world.


You're right.

Maybe I should
put on some pants.

No reporters yet.

I can't believe it.

This is the worst thing
that ALF has ever done.

Maybe the reporters
won't even come.

Maybe they thought
ALF was a crank.

Well, at least one
reporter is coming.

I promised him whiskey.

Why are you dressed
in that getup?

Showmanship, babe.

- ALF..
- Hey.

My real space suit
looks like a hefty bag.

Look, I just wanna be free.

As free as the wind blows.

As free as the grass grows.

Born free to follow my heart.

ALF, we understand how you feel,
but you've got to realize...

Live free
as beauty surrounds me.

The world still astounds me.

Hi, dad.

- Did you get it?
- Yeah.

ALF, I've got something for you.

- Oh, a coming-out present!
- Not exactly.

A videotape. Alright!

Wait a minute.
This is a documentary.

Just the antidote
for my boredom.

I want you to watch this, ALF.

What's that?

It's a Ugandan orangutan.

What's he throwing
at the camera?

Never mind.

Here, this is the part
I want you to watch.

'The Ugandan orangutan
had become extinct'

'except for this last
remaining male'

'as there were no females
with which to breed.'

I know the feeling.

'This last Ugandan orangutan'

'was ultimately
captured and isolated'

'until its death last year.'

'Scientists speculate the
animal died of loneliness.'

That was nice.

Oh, I think I hear
the reporter coming.

ALF, don't you understand?

You could end up
just like that poor animal.

That won't happen to me.
I'm one of a kind.

So was the orangutan.

All that proves
is that orangutans

don't live well in captivity.

Do aliens?

I don't know.

I've never been captivated.

Not yet.

Blimey, what have I done?

Hide me! Hide me! Hide me!

Where are you going?

I wanna be alone.

Come on, Brian, keep me company.


I'm here for the media event
of the century.

It's been canceled.

Whiskey been canceled too?

- Yes.
- Figures.

ALF, are you alright?


But if Robin Leach calls back

just say, "ALF who?"


Welcome to ALF-catraz.

How was the party tonight?

Oh, it was okay, I guess.

Jake broke the pinata.

Trevor bruised a couple
of ribs diving for the candy.


...what are you doing?

When Melmacians try
to drown our sorrows

we gravitate towards
cheap imitation porcelain.

I'll have you know,
this is expensive

imitation porcelain.

We also eat more.

How is that possible?

Well, our spare stomachs
open up.

By the way, don't bother looking
for your laxative on a rope.

Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?

Trust me on this one.

Here you go, ALF.

Oh, wow,
you really are depressed.

I need something
to wash this down.

Got any ketchup?

Coming right up.

Dad, we've got to do
something about this.

You're right.

You may not want
to watch this, Willie.

Oh, I've seen you
eat before, ALF.

'Get out of this bathroom!'

'I am going to take a bath,
and that's final.'

'Fine! I'll go sulk
in the kids' bathroom.'

Um, before you do that, ALF

could you come out here
for a moment?

Sure, why not?

It's not like I was born free
to follow my heart or anything.


Willie, intruder alert!

I've been seen by
a vicious snarling mob.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I know this mob.

We've invited everyone
who's ever met you.

Were you surprised?

Heck no. I knew it all along.

I guess, you are shaking
'cause you are cold.

Hey, I just got out of the tub.

How's it going Jake-o'-lantern?

Great, give me five!

Here's four. I owe you one!
Ha! Ha!

- How you doing, ALF?
- Larry, my shrink!

Hey, nice to see you
when I'm not wacko.

I challenge that.

Grandma Dorothy.

How's your much
younger husband, Wizzer?

Always a pleasure.

Look, ALF, Jody's here.

"Citizen Kane!" Yeah!
Nice to see you.

Nice not to see you.

Ha! Ha! What a kidder!

- Hey, watch out for the lamp!
- Oh.

ALF, we wanted
to show you that

your world isn't as
limited as you thought.

We know it's not
the same as going out

and making new friends,
but we hope it helps.

I couldn't ask for more.

Where are the presents?

- 'Oh!'
- Presents?

We gave you presents

at Christmas and at your
birthday and on St. Melmac's Day

which I really doubt was
all that big a holiday anyway.

Hey, forget the presents.

I guess it's enough
that my friends

and Dorothy are here.


Oh, boy!

Friends with presents
are the best kind of friends

and Dorothy.

'I'll open your
present next, Jody.'

'Well, I'm just gonna have
to take your word for that.'

Oh, a sweater!

Thank you, Jody.

You're welcome, ALF.

Now you can get
rid of that ratty one

you're always wearing.

I better start
using a conditioner.

She thinks ALF's fur
is a sweater.

I'm sorry, Larry,
didn't I warn you?

Jody doesn't know
ALF's an alien.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Well, I told her about the time
ALF ate your tennis racket

because he thought
the strings were made of catgut.

Hey, thanks, Dorothy.

I always wanted to learn
how to play jai alai.

It's a Dustbuster.

I know that.

I was being whimsical.

I thought you could
get off your duff

and do a little housework.

You shouldn't have.

I really mean it!

ALF, I didn't have any money

so I fixed the CD player
you broke.

Oh, great!

- Oh!
- 'ALF.'

My birthday is in six months.

Um, Brian come here.

Speech! Speech!

Well, unaccustomed as I am
to public speaking

as there's very seldom
a public here to speak to

I'll be brief.

I wouldn't put money on that.

Mom, shh.

Actually, I just
wanted to say that

I never realized
how good I have it.

I don't need to go out
and make new friends.

I already have the best friends
including Dorothy

anyone could have.

Oh, why, ALF, thank you.
Thank you very..

♪ Dottie's gonna cry ♪♪

Oh, stop it! I am not.

'Hey, Tanners! It's us.'

Oh, no. It's Trevor.
Well, he wasn't invited.

Yeah, that never stops him.

I think just for a change
of pace, I'll..

...hide in the kitchen.

Ha! I kill us.

Well, why is ALF hiding?

- Well, uh...
- He owes the Ochmoneks money.

I thought you said
they were going out tonight.

They always go
dancing on Saturdays.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

We were wondering
if you knew where Jake went?

R-right here!

Oh, you're having a party.

How interesting.

And we weren't invited?

After having them over
last night!

Now, now, Trevor,
I'm sure the Tanners

had a very good reason
for stiffing us.

Well, it's not a party party.

It's a Tupperware party.

Oh, you mean the party
where you have to buy stuff?

Gotta dance!

But I will have
a slab of that cake.

I'll get a couple of plates.

Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.

I'm sorry for the interruption.

No problem.

I enjoy the challenge
of avoiding those two.

- It keeps me young.
- Not me.

Hey, Willie..

...thanks for the party
and everything.

It's nice to know
there's someone around

to save me from myself.

You're welcome, pal!

'Willie, I need a doggie bag.'

'Raquel, don't go in there.'

Ah, the game is afoot.

ALF, aren't you
having a good time?

Yeah, I'm just sick
of Larry telling that story

about me eating
the tennis racket.

So, there he was with the handle
sticking out of his mouth!

I can't believe I invited
them all back tomorrow.

You what?

They're my friends and Dorothy.

Besides, I could use
the extra presents.

Encore, encore.

Willie, Willie

do you know
"And The Band Played On?"

Well, I sure do.

Well, play it!

♪ Casey would waltz
with a strawberry blond ♪

♪ And the band played on ♪

♪ And on and on and on and on ♪

♪ And on ♪
♪ And the band played on ♪

♪ His brain was so loaded
it nearly exploded ♪

♪ The poor girl would
shake with alarm ♪

♪ He married the girl
with the strawberry curl ♪

♪ And the band played on-n-n ♪♪