ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 19 - We Gotta Get Out of This Place - full transcript

Jody loses her apartment when the building becomes a condominium, so ALF tries to help her "adjust" to a new home.


I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

Why not?

Because I might lose.

I'm sorry.


[telephone ringing]

Get that, Willie.
I wanna plan my next move.

[ringing continues]

Uh, hello.

The who-meister?

Oh. Yeah.

Sure, just a minute.
Hang on.

- It's for you.
- It must be Jody.


Hey, Jod-meister.

What's happening?

I saw that, Willie.

Your building's going where?

Condo? Where's condo?

Oh! Oh!

Hey, it's no problem.

Yeah, you could stay here
till you find a new place.

Well, why would anybody mind?

No, we have a slogan here,

It's on the mat outside.

Uh, Willie sends his love.

Okay, buh-bye.

Hang that up,
will you, Willie?

The mat outside says,
"Wipe your feet."

Jody's blind. She'll never know.

Don't you think you should
have checked with us

before you invited her to stay?

What for?
We banter back and forth.

You'd do that frustrated
head rubbing thing

and then you'd give in.

This way we're spared,
all of that.


Hey, Lynn, you wanna
take over for Willie?


- Your move.
- Okay.



[theme music]

[instrumental music]

It's not that
we don't want

Jody to stay.

It's just that
we have a rule

and that rule is...

No dating boys with vans.

I don't think that rule applies.

It is a good one, though.

Look, you shouldn't
have invited a guest

without asking us.

Would you rather
I dated a boy with a van?

Why can't Jody stay
for a few days?

She needs a place.
What could happen?

Well, for one thing she could
discover that...

We know, we know..

ALF's an alien.

You know, I think it's time you
got that printed on T-shirts.

- ALF, she could find out.
- But she won't.

Look, I met her once
and she didn't find out then.

As long as she doesn't get too
touchy-feely, we're okay.

But she could find out.

Look, you spent two or three
hours with her, we're talking

about two or three days here.

Two or three days? I told her
she could stay a month.

Only a month.

Well, actually I told her
she could stay forever.

But I thought I'd break it to
you a month at a time.


I think we should let Jody stay.

Yeah, we put up
with your mother staying here.

Well, that's true.


Well, she does have that
nasal thing at night, Kate.

Yeah, the he-e-e!



Alright, alright.
We get the picture.

Doesn't Jody have any other
friends she could stay with?

Friends from this planet?

No, she's very shy.
Just like me.

You? Shy?

You should have seen
Melmacians who were outgoing.

It was a planet
of game show hosts.

Look, I'm sorry, ALF,
we'd like her to stay..

...but I'm afraid
it's just too risky.

Well, how would you feel
if you were blind and homeless

with no one to turn to?

I think ALF has a point.

You're darn right.

What is it?

That we can't turn our back
on someone who needs us.


She can use the guest bedroom

until she finds
a place of her own.

Great! Great!
Thanks, Lynn. I owe you one.


Well, one today.

[instrumental music]


[lamp crashes]

Almost perfect.

What was that crash?

A lamp fell off
the furniture.

That leads to my
next two questions.

A, what was the lamp doing
on a pile of furniture?

And B..

...why is the furniture
in a pile?

Well, aren't you forgetting C?

What are we having for lunch?

Who piled up
all the furniture?

ALF, why did you
pile up all the furniture?

I stacked it to get it
out of Jody's way.

She'll be safe as long as she

stays out
of the falling-lamp zone.

ALF, let's,
let's rethink this.

Jody lived
in an apartment.

Jody had furniture.

Jody walked around
the furniture.

See Jody.
See Jody run.

Run, Jody, run.

See the furniture.

See the alien
move the furniture back.

Move, alien...move.

See the alien
throw out his back.

See the alien blame the Tanners.

Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.

I think the Jodster's here.

Okay, everyone, stay calm.

We are calm.

Well, then,
show some enthusiasm.

[knocking on door]

Excuse me, I'm not sure
I have the right house.

I'm looking for...


This is the place.

Uh, it's okay. Thanks.

Come on in, Jody.
I'm Willie.

Oh, the patriarch
of the Tanner clan.

Sounds good to me.

And-and this is my wife, Kate.

- Hello.
- Kate, hi.

And-and this is Lynn
and Brian.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- You too.

- Hi.
- Jody, run around.

You won't bump into anything.


Well, I-I hope you didn't
go to the trouble

of rearranging the furniture.

It was no trouble.
It was fun.

It'll be even more fun
putting it back.

Oh, well, then you could do it.

Thanks for letting me
stay here.

I hate to impose, but I-I
didn't know what else to do.

Well, you're not imposing.

No. We're glad you're here.

And stay as long as you like.

Yeah, ALF did.

Well, thanks, but I'm sure I'll
be out of your hair in few days.

That's what ALF said.

[instrumental music]

Five, four

three, two..

[imitating a buzzer]

Time's up.
What's your guess?

Uh, Swiss.

Close, but no cigar.

It's Monterey Jack,
Swiss' country cousin.

Are you sure?
There are holes in this.

I used a hole puncher.

That's cheating.

All's fair in love
and guess-the-cheese.


Let's play guess-the-belch.



No, no.
You don't guess who belched.

You guess what they ate.

Oh, ALF..

...why are there
little cheese dots

in the living room?

Well, I've never
heard that term before

but I think
those are your children.

ALF, did you do this
to the hole puncher?

That explains
the little cheese dots.

And why was today's newspaper
thrown into the trash?

I don't know. Ask Kate.

I am Kate.

I know.

I was hoping I'd confuse you

and you'd forget the question.

ALF, I thought you said
the paper didn't come today.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when we don't want
our guests to leave.

Kate, Willie..

...I'm sorry.

Can someone please
read me the classifieds?


Hey, you can't read those.

They're classified. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, here's a good one.

"Two bedroom, two bath."

Give me that thing.
I'll find something.

- Whoa! This looks good.
- What is it?

Rib roast is a buck fifty nine
a pound.

I can't live in a rib roast.

Yeah, but would it be nice
if you could.

Well, let me look here.

Wait a minute, here's one, here.

"Cozy one-bedroom, furnished,
wall-to-wall carpeting, view..."

- Pass.
- Why?

It says, "One month's security."

After that you'd be in danger.

I think I'll give him
a call anyway.

What's the number?

It's, uh, 5-5-5-7-3-3-9.

Uh, 3-7-2-3-8-3-1.

- ALF.
- Sorry. 5-6-9-2.

If you keep acting like this

Jody will move out.

But Jody wants to move out.

Well, this is all news to me.

ALF, Jody is a grown woman.
She needs her independence.

Oh, that's easy
for you to say.

You know nothing
of the plight of blind people.

- And you do.
- Yes!

The other day,
I locked myself in the closet.

Being blind is very dusty
and smells like boots.

Jody survived for years without
us. She can do it again.

I think she wants
to do it again.

Fine. Think what thou wilst.


Jody's my pal.

If she goes..

...I go.

What are you saying?

I'm saying if she goes, I go.

Not a lot
of verbal clutter there.

Well, now you're just
being ri-diculous, ALF.

Jody could never take care
of you the way we have.

Take care of me?

Are you implying that I'm

some sort
of house-bound dilettante?

No, no, no..
Well, yes.

For your information,
I'll be taking care of her.

Jody needs me
like a hole in the head.

Well, isn't that good
on your planet?

Well, the apartment's available.

What a coincidence! So am I!

Hey, Lucky,
I'll be gone for a while.

Gee, I've never seen
a cat smile before.

[instrumental music]

[lips smacking]

[instrumental music]

Well, at least ALF took the
time to leave us a note.

[clears throat]
They say that breaking up is
hard to do.

"Now I know,
I know that it's true.

Don't say that this is the

♪ Instead of breaking up I wish
that we were making up again ♪♪

He didn't put as much effort
into this as I thought.

[instrumental music]

This book
doesn't have any words.

It's got zits!

Oh...must be one of those

connect-the-dot books.

Oh, great,
a picture of spaghetti.

Hi, groceries.

I mean, hi, Jody.

Hi, ALF. Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I'm playing with one of your
connect-the-dot books.

I drew the spaghetti.
You could draw the meatballs.

Or the red wine.


ALF, this is a Braille book.

You see, these dots,
they represent letters.

You rub your fingers over them
and you can read the book.

Uh, well, wouldn't that

rub all the fur
off your fingers?


Uh, well,
if you had furry fingers.

[Jody laughing]

You know, you say
some of the strangest things.

Oh, well, it's no big deal.

Uh, it doesn't mean
that I'm weird or anything.

Uh, I'm just a regular, average
being from your planet.


I know that.

But there is something I wanted
to talk to you about.

Well, shoot.

Well, um..

You're a man and I'm a woman..


Well, I hope you're not gonna
try anything funny. Are you?

Oh, you mean like putting
whipped cream in your shoes?

Well, I might.

You know, ALF,
I really don't understand you.

You don't have a job.
You never leave the house.

Well...I guess I better
tell you the truth.

Oh, please.

I'm old.

I'm real old.

Older than the Gabor sisters.

Well...maybe not Zsa Zsa.

you're-you're very spry.

Well, that's 'cause
I've cut my fat intake

down to 90% of my diet.

[Jody laughing]

That reminds me,
I'd better go start dinner.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'll handle dinner.

I'm supposed
to take care of you.

Hello, Pizza Barge?

Yeah, send over
a large pepperoni.

- ALF, we're on a budget.
- Oh, right.

Uh, charge it to the Tanners.

We've imposed
on the Tanners enough.

Again, you're right.

Charge it to Donald Trump.

Hello? Hello?

What? Vegetables again?

That's not food.

That's the stuff food eats.

It's what I eat.

What about real food?

Like the stuff
you hit with your car in Texas?

Well, I'd like you
to try my spinach lasagna.

And, uh, meanwhile,
you can make yourself useful

by setting the table.

Hey, no problem.
It's taken care of.

I'm here
to make your life easier.

[glass shatters]


...first, I'll sweep up
that glass

that spontaneously exploded.

[instrumental music]


'Why are there little hills
in the hallway?'

They're speed bumps

so you don't go too fast.

Well, I tripped over one.

You must have been speeding.

ALF, what are you doing?

I'm making this house safe
for the sightless.

Well, it was safe.

Now it's an obstacle course.

You know,
we've really gotta

find a way
to keep you occupied.

Well, I found one.

I'm putting curb feelers
on your shoes.

ALF, I have never
scraped my ankles

against a curb.

Pure luck.

ALF, when you, uh,
first moved in here

you said you were
only going to stay

until I was settled.
I really think I'm settled.

No, no, no.

I'll tell you
when you're settled.

Of course, you would know best.

Uh, listen, ALF, um..

...I left my keys
in the bedroom.

Could you go get them
for me, please?

Hey, no problem,
my little Venetian blind.


'Ow, you stupid speed bump!'

'You're for her, not me!'

Hello, Willie.
Oh, it's Jody.



Yes. That's the problem exactly.

[instrumental music]





Hah hah!

This Braille stuff is easy.

ALF, I'm going down
to the laundry room.

Okay. Just follow the rope.


Ow! Ow! Kate, Willie!

I hurt my finger!

What am I doing?
They're not here.

I'll have to kiss it myself.

[lips smack]

It's not the same.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

'It's us, ALF!'


And here I just
kissed my own finger.

Come on in.

Hi, ALF.

Hey, guys.

What brings you
to this independent, carefree

neck of the woods?

Oh, we-we just,
we thought we'd drop by

and see how
things were going.

Well, come on in.
Get the full picture.

It looks great.



So what have you
been doing with yourself?

Labeling vegetables.

Boy, I'd hate to be the guy
who had to pound out

"War And Peace" in Braille.


Jody called us.

Well, why would she do that?

Jody wants to live
her own life, ALF.

She thinks it's time
for you to come home.

Well, that doesn't
sound like Jody.

Maybe it was
another blind person

who got a wrong number.

Uh, I don't think so, ALF.


Well...if that's the way
Jody wants it.

I'm back, ALF.

Hey, Jody,
don't take off your clothes.

We have company.

- ALF!
- Hi, Jody, it's us.

- Hi, Jody.
- Oh, hi.

It's-it's-it's the Tanners.


Hey, enough of the yakety-yak.

Kate and Willie,
can you give us a minute alone?

Oh, sure, uh..

Where would you
like us to yakety-yak?

- the bedroom.
- Okay.

Just follow the signs.

And make yourself useful.

Label Jody's socks.

'Oh, careful, honey,
speed bump.'


...I've been thinking.

It's time for me
to go back to the Tanners.


Well, you knew
from the beginning

that this was only
a temporary arrangement.

I told you
as soon as you were settled

I'd have to go.

Well, I'm settled.

- Well, I guess I'm going.
- ALF.

Before you go..

...I wanna thank you.

I don't know
how I could have gotten

through these past few weeks
without you.

- Oh, hey. It was nothing.
- Nothing?

Not everybody can label an egg.

Well, it's easier

when you hard-boil them.

Took me a couple of dozen
to figure that out.

[Jody laughing]

Oh, um, before you go..

...I want you to have this.


My very own Braille book!

And you drew in
the meatballs for me.


Well, I wanna go show this
to Kate and Willie.

Kate! Willie!


'Where? Where?'


These speed bumps work great.

Kate! Willie! I hurt my knee!

Can you kiss it?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]


...I'm going to show you

what it's like to be plunged

into a world of darkness.

- ALF!
- Oh, Kate, just in time!

The cat almost got my tongue.

Give me this cat!

Bad, Lucky! Bad!

Now I know
how Wile E. Coyote feels.

♪ Georgia ♪

♪ Georgia ♪

♪ No peace I find ♪

♪ Just an old sweet song ♪

♪ Keeps Georgia on my mind ♪♪


[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]