ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 18 - Someone to Watch Over Me: Part 2 - full transcript

Neighborhood Watch volunteers quit as the robberies continue. ALF decides to take direct action, causing chaos at the Ochmoneks' house.

On the last week on "ALF.."

You called me horsemeat.

And you won't let me eat cats.

You don't mind
siting on plastic.

And that's what
makes it so funny.

You think I wake up looking
this good?

Try doing it naked.

Hold it. This isn't
making any sense.

Here's what happened when
the neighbors were robbed.

[intense music]

Well, ALFer, it's up to you.

An alien's gotta do
what an alien's gotta do.

When the going gets tough

the tough get going!

This guy's gonna
be rice pudding.


[intense music]


Don't you know
what freeze means?

(Griswald on megaphone)
'You in the house'

'come out with your hands up.'


And that's what
happened last week.

Did I miss anything?

I was under the drier.

Hey wait a minute they promised
they wouldn't show that again.

[theme music]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Oh, no, the cops!
Whatever it is I didn't do it.

Take it easy, Jake.

I have a distinct
feeling those sirens

have something to do with ALF.

What is this false
alarm number 27?


Who's turn is it to apologize
to the police?

Not me. They are not falling
for my cute kid routine anymore.

[phone ringing]


Dad, it's ALF.

Would you tell him
to come in here

if he wants to talk to me?

Dad said that you're
gonna have to come in here

if you want to talk to him.

He says that's
gonna be a problem.

Hello, ALF.

Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie!

What have I done?

I don't know, ALF.
What have you done?

Did you see
"Dog Day Afternoon?"

Where are you?

(Griswald on megaphone)
'The house is surrounded.'

'Come out with your hands up.'

Please hold.

Uh, no dice!

I'm armed, I'm dangerous

and I'm off my medication.

Hey! Hey! The cops have
somebody cornered in my house!

As you may have gathered, Willie

I'm in big trouble.

You're always in trouble.

Yeah, but even on the ALF scale

this one's a humdinger.

I need help.

What happened, ALF?

Long story short, I saw
a burglar at the Ochmonek's

and scared him away.

Now, I'm trapped
and I'm scared.

Oh, the irony of it all.

Well, can't you
make a run for it?

I take it you didn't see the end
of "Butch Cassidy" either.

No, I didn't.

But you've got
to do something, ALF.

They might storm the house.

Oh, yeah.

I've got hostages in here!

Think that'll hold them?

Or should I say that
the hostages are nuns?

No nuns. None.

- I'm coming over.
- Okay, but hurry!

I don't think these guys will
give you much of a grace period

if you catch my drift.

ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.

I know the feeling.

- I-I-I'm going over.
- Me too.

No, you're, you're,
you're staying here.

It's too dangerous.

Yeah, you might lose your cool

when the bullets start flyin'.

Bullets? There'll be bullets?

Jake, that is ridiculous.

Willie, be careful.

Oh, uh, I will.

By the way, how did
"Butch Cassidy" end?

They were gunned down
by the Bolivian army.

Yeah, it was really cool.

I can dig it.

[instrumental music]

'If any of you
try to come in here'

you'll be eating more lead
than a pencil sharpener.

He's bluffing.
Use the battering ram.

We haven't got
a battering ram.

Where are my tax dollars going?

Get back, lady.

They're probably
going to Gary Hart.

You say you've got hostages.

How do we know they're alright?

'Just a second.'

How are you guys?

[imitating hostage]
Fine. Great.

[imitating hostage]
Glug. Couldn't be better.

There you have it.

Uh, Officer Griswald,
uh, what's going on here?

Hey, Tanner, you finally
called one right.

You mean, you've,
you've got the burglar?

Well, not yet,
but we got him surrounded.

You're not gonna
go in there, are you?

Well, not as long as
he's got hostages.

we're Americans.

We don't negotiate
with terrorists, do we?

(in unison)

Maybe I ought
to go in there.

Tanner, your job is over.

We'll handle this.

Listen, you in there.

If you refuse to negotiate

we're gonna
have to use tear gas.

Yes! Tear gas! Tear gas!

(in unison)
Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.

'Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.'

[TV switch clicks]

[animated film on TV]

Where's the graphic violence

and senseless mayhem
when you need it?


Oh, thank heavens
for Sam Peckinpah.

- Everybody down.
- He's got a gun!

So what?

He doesn't have a gun.
Where would he get a gun?

Hey, don't think you're
playing with a greenhorn.

'I've got enough powder in here'

'to blow up
the Chrysler Building.'

Chrysler Building?
That's 3000 miles away.

He must have
a heck of a charge.

Medic, bring this man a brain.

Alright, in there,
hold your fire.

Tell us what you want.

I don't want anything for myself

uh, but the hostages are hungry.

Right, guys?

[imitating hostage]
You said it. Sure are.

[imitating hostage]
Haven't had a thing
since breakfast.

[imitating hostage]
I'm famished.

'You hear that?'

'Uh, send us
five pizzas and a cat.'

A cat?

'Cat? Who said a cat?'

- 'I did.'
- 'You idiot.'

We've got
a Satan worshiper in here!

Gaffney, get the pizzas.


I got the food
last week for the sniper.

Alright. Alright. Johnson.

Go get pizzas.

They like pepperoni. Probably.

Alright, we're
getting the pizzas.


It puts them off their guard.

Now we send for the SWAT team.

Alright. SWAT teams.

(in unison)
SWAT teams. SWAT teams.

- No!
- Get down. Down!

Let me go in there. I can help.
I'm a social worker.

What are you gonna do?
Give me a welfare check?


I can reason with him.

I-I know I can, I've dealt
with this type before

time and time and time again.

Sorry, Tanner.

We're leaving
this for the SWAT team.

Excuse me then.
I'm gonna make a phone call.

You ever kill a man
with spatula?


Wow! Another squad car.

ALF's busted for sure.

Oh, no.

Hey, if you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.

My dad's cellmate embroidered
that on a pot holder.

Don't worry, Bri.
ALF is not going to jail.

Though a short sentence
might do him good.

Dad, is ALF gonna be alright?

Well, the house is surrounded.

There's a mob outside
and the SWAT team's on its way.

You be the judge.

[telephone ringing]

Uh, the Ochmonek's aren't here

and if you don't mind,
I'm a little busy right now.

ALF, wait! Wait!
It's me, it's Willie.

Prove it.
What's your middle name?




Well, no wonder
you never told me.

[ALF laughing over phone]

Alright, alright.

Sorry, Willie, I'm panicking.

Listen, ALF, there's
a SWAT team on its way.

Well, that calmed me right down.

This is Doug Gould,
Channel 6 news.

I'm reporting live
from 169 Hemdale Avenue.

Doug Gould?

That blow-dried vulture?

This seemingly
calm suburban street

is about to run
red with blood.


Oh, wait, why am I worried?

My blood is green.

In this house, an undetermined
number of hostages

are being held
by a deranged gunman.

Who are you calling deranged

you video tapeworm?

With me now
is Officer Izzy Griswald

who was the first policeman
on the scene.

'Hey, copper,
where are those pizzas?'

Officer Griswald what can you
tell us about the hostages?

They're hungry.

Actually, we don't
know who the hostages are

but we believe
they're unharmed.

That's good news.

Except from
a ratings standpoint.


- Sir..
- Hmm?

The food is here.

Excuse me.

That was Officer Izzy Griswald

who is in charge
of the operation, a..

And, uh, who might you be?

I'm Mrs. Byrd, Myrna Byrd,
148 Hemdale.

I'm Doug Gould.

Yes, I watch
your show all the time.

Oh-ho, you know my work?

I know it and hate it.

We'll be back after
this word from Arby's.

Now you were saying?

No need to elaborate!

Your reporting is nothing but
thinly disguised sensationalism

marauding in the vestments
of mock human interest

peppered with innuendo

and served with saccharin

and a blatant disregard
of substantive prima-tertia.

But you're awfully cute.

How about a one-night stand?

Think about it.
I'm a widow.

It's gonna be a long night.

How come?

Is this the night
we set the clocks back?

'Hey! What's going
on out there?'

Some of us think we smell pizza.

Don't we, guys?

[imitating hostage]
Yeah, smells like pizza to me.

[imitating hostage]
Me too. I smell it.

[imitating hostage]
Wish we had some.

Yeah, pizza just got here.

Come on out and get it.

'I'll be right out.'

No! No! Don't come out!


Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey, we're not hungry anymore.
Are we?

[imitating hostage]
Not me. Couldn't eat a thing.

[imitating hostage]
Wouldn't touch it. Me either.

Shut up!

Thanks for nothing, Tanner.

I can't believe
you just did that.

I just.. I don't want
anybody to get hurt.

I can't believe the pizza
got here before the SWAT team.

You should try waiting
for the coroner sometime.

I have.

You know, maybe this guy

just wants this publicity.

Maybe if we all just leave
he'd let the hostages go.

Yeah, and maybe if we open
the cell doors

the criminals
would just walk in.

Oh, hey, but then,
wouldn't the criminals

that are just already
in there walk out?

Your parents are first cousins,
aren't they?

'Hey, what's everybody
doing on my lawn?'

- Trevor, Raquel...
- What..

What's going on here?

Who are all these people?

Somebody beheaded
my lawn Santa.

There's a burglar
in your house.

Trevor, he's got a hostages.

Burglar? Hostages?

That's why I left New York.

Excuse me, are you
the owners of this house?

Yeah, that's right. What..

Hey, are we on TV?

'Look at Trevor.'

The camera really
does add 20 pounds.

(Raquel on TV)
'I don't know
why they keep robbing us.'

'There's nothing
left to steal.'

(Trevor on TV)
'Yeah, how come they never break
into the Tanner's over there?'

'That place is ripe
for the picking.'

'They've got a computer,
telescope, a waterpik..

This is like watching
the Home Shopping Network.

Wow! Look at Uncle Trevor!

The camera really
does add 80 pounds.

(male #1 on TV)
'We'll continue live
right after this message.'

The Ochmoneks are coming over.

Oh, ALF,
hide in the kitchen.

I'm losing it.

I'm just so worried about him.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, did you see me on TV?

Yeah, you looked a little puffy.

Well, you know what they say.

TV adds about 140 pounds.

- No, not that much.
- It's true.

Nell Carter is really
the same size as Diana Ross!

Let's not talk about this now.

I-I'm so sorry
that this is happening.

Do you believe our luck?

Why do bad things
happen to good people?

I told you, Raquel.
It's kahma.

What's kahma?

When your lawn Santa is beheaded
for no apparent reason.

Oh, you mean karma.

Why did you decide
to come back?

I thought you were
going to Tijuana.

Well, we were half way there,
when we realized

that we'd left
the door unlocked.

We didn't want
anybody breaking in.

Now that point is moot.

What's moot?

Would somebody buy
this kid a dictionary?

I hope they catch
that burglar dead or alive.

Don't say that.

[telephone ringing]

Why is he so concerned
with the criminal?

You taught him that,
didn't you?

Hey, I've got better things
to do than to corrupt him.

I'm tryin' to corrupt her.

Mom, it's for you.

Honey, who is it?

It's, uh...Hairy.

Hairy, who?

Hairy Melmacian.


Make it quick, eh?

I wanna call my insurance agent.

Maybe it's not too late
to get a homeowners policy.

Hello, Hairy.

Hi, Too-Much-Rouge.

So, how is it going?

Fine, I've met a lot
of nice new people

who wanna kill me.

That's nice.

Oh, I'm glad you're
taking it so well.

Uh, I-I really can't talk
right now.


Oh, you invited people over.

Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you
to stop living because I might.

We didn't invite them.
They just dropped by.

Well, excuse us
for being under siege.


Uh, Willie hasn't
forgotten about you.

I'm sure we'll be
seeing you soon.

Okay, Hairy?

Do I have the right number?

Yes. Goodbye.


Do I use too much rouge?

I always thought so.

[clears throat]

Sir, SWAT team
will be here in five minutes.

What's taking 'em so long?

They stormed
the wrong house by mistake.

Alright, in five minutes

this place is gonna be
raining burglar.

- No.
- Tanner, come back here.

- Fire at will!
- No! No!

Hold your fire.

Sorry. I thought
I was back in Nam.

Who are you?

Oh, Willie, Willie.

I'm so glad to see you.

It's okay, ALF.

It-it-it's okay.

What's your plan?

I-I don't have a plan.

There are enough people in here
without a plan, right, guys?

[imitating hostage]
You said it. Absolutely.
We're sunk.

Don't do that for my benefit.

[imitating hostage]
Sorry. Sorry. No problem.

Look, ALF, we've
gotta do something.

Well, why don't you
wrap me around your neck

and tell 'em
I'm a fur stole.

Hey, hey, I'm not married
to that idea.

[radio static]

Testing, testing.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you, Willie.

But this is no time
to play block captain.

No, no, ALF. I've got it.

I've got an idea.

All we need, all we need
is a place for you to hide.

[Jamaican accent]
How about Jamaica, maan?

Give me a minute.

(Griswald on megaphone)
'This is your last chance.'

'Come out with your hands up.'

I'm telling you, coppers,
you'll never take me alive.


What a stupid threat?

Get in the hamper.

But Raquel's unmentionables
are in there.

Just get in the hamper.

And keep making those silly
demands on your walkie-talkie.

Forget it.

(Griswald on megaphone)
'If you don't
surrender immediately'

'we are dispersing
the tear gas.'

Tear gas! Tear gas! Tear gas!

I'm getting in before
they start to harmonize.

This is either gonna work or..

Well, let's not
think about that.

Whoa! How bad
does tear gas smell?

Get down.

Did I mention to you
that I'm claustrophobic?

I am!



Wait! Don't shoot!

He's-he's not here.

Hold your fire.

And I don't want to hear
anything out of you, lady.

We're coming in.


You see, the burglar's
just not here.

He's got to be here.

We have the place surrounded.

[clears throat]

(ALF on radio)
'O-okay, uh..'

'...I'll now make
a list of my demands.'

Everybody, down!

'I want a million dollars'

'a-and a DC-10 with those
little bags of peanuts.'

'You know,
the honey-roasted kind.'

The voice is coming
from this walkie-talkie.

That's right.
He's not in the house.

He's just been broadcasting his
demands over the walkie-talkie.

He must have escaped
before we got here.

'And for the in-flight meal,
I want the filet mignon.'

[imitating hostage]
'I'll have chicken. I'll take
the fish. Kosher for me.'


Well, how did
a goofball like this

come up
with such a clever plan?

Oh, you really
think it's clever?

No burglar, no hostages.

We did find a bunch
of bank pens, though.

- Hmm.
- Can I keep these?

Take them out to the car
and log 'em as evidence.


And I'll turn back the clock.

Alright, he's probably
still in the area.

You guys
search the neighborhood.


Oh and, Tanner..

...thanks for all your help.

- Oh.
- You got a lot of guts.

You deserve
to be block captain.

Thank you.
Thank you, sir, and..

Now, goodbye.

I'll just, uh...tidy up.

[clicking tongue]

It's okay, ALF,
you're safe now.

[ALF gasp]

[vase shattering]

Just blame that on the burglar.

Back down! I've got
to carry you home now.

Hey, it's not like this hamper
is Jamaica, maan.

- Get down, maan.
- Oh.

Oh, hi, Trevor, Raquel.

What are you doing
with our laundry?

Well, I-I thought I'd wash it.

It's the least I can do
after all you've been through.

Thanks, Willie.

Alright, let's hear it
for Willie Tanner!

(in unison)
Willie! Willie! Willie!

Uh, uh, thank you.
Uh, thank you.

'Psst. Willie, don't stop
to sign any autographs, maan.'

I hear you, maan.

(in unison)
Willie! Willie! Willie!

[instrumental music]

Hey, ALF,
what are you doing?

I'm putting
the finishing touches

on the ALF Home Security System.

Now, this place will be
burglar proof.

[alarm wailing]


ALF, turn it off!


[wailing continues]

[theme music]