ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 17 - Someone to Watch Over Me: Part 1 - full transcript

A series of robberies in the neighborhood prompts ALF to want to help with Neighborhood Watch, when Willie is voted block captain.

- Does it work?
- I've got the dial tone.

Great. I'll toss the box.

Why don't you toss it
in the salad, Kate?

I could use the fibre. Ha ha.

ALF, hold still.

I wanna get it even.

Well, don't cut it too short.

It'll look like
I have a big schnoz.

I didn't realize you were so
concerned with your appearance.

You think I wake up
looking this good?


Hide in the kitchen, ALF.

Ha! Beat you to it.

Two dollars, ALF, pay up.

Two dollars?

I didn't even get my manicure.


Willie! Kate!

Raquel. Jake.

We've been robbed!

Oh, my gosh.

That's terrible.

Hey, don't look at me,
I've got an alibi.

That's right,
Jake was in school.

Well, I wasn't there either

but I've got an alibi
for that too.

That's it. No more TV
for the rest of the week.

- What TV?
- Oh, that's right!

They-they stole that too.

And then they
took our silverware

and our VCR

and our original painting
of dogs playing pool.


It was a powerful piece.

And I feel even worse
about your circular saw.

My saw was stolen?

Yes, and Trevor
was going to return it tomorrow.

That's what makes it so funny.

Raquel, did you
call the police?

We couldn't.
They took our phones.

Well, I-I just happen
to have one.

Incidentally, that is
your phone, isn't it?

I have the receipt.

Just checkin'.

Thank you.

Yes. Hello?

This is Raquel Ochmonek.

169 Hemdale.

We've been robbed.

How soon can you send
a black and white?

An hour and a half?

Our art collection could be back
across the border by then.

Fine. Fine. We'll be here.

Oh, I feel so violated!

Oh, Raquel, I'm so sorry.

Now listen, if there's
anything we can do to help..

Just protect yourselves.

Lock you doors and your windows.

You never know when
somebody is gonna walk off

with your possessions.

Our phone.

I can get your phone back
for, uh, three bucks.

But that's negotiable.

Did I miss anything?
I was under the dryer.

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

I'm going, I'm going.

Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time someone said...

It's alright, ALF.

It's just Jake.

Hey, peewee, I didn't know
you could reach the doorknob.

Watch it, I may be short
but I'm wiry.

Hey, I brought your phone back.

That'll be five bucks.

I thought you said it was three.

I said it was negotiable,
it can go up too, you know?

It can also go down.. nothing.

Nothing. Yeah, yeah, that-that
was gonna be my next offer.

Yo, Jake-hammer,
pull up a chair.

We're playing cards.


I'll make that five bucks
one way or another.

I never wager more than
I'm willing to lose.

I'll bet Willie's car.

I don't believe this.

I just got off
the phone with Mrs. Litwak

they have been robbed too.

- Three robberies in a month.
- Mm-hmm.

That's it, I'm taking action.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to eat
all your valuable food

before somebody steals it.

Is that how you dealt
with crime on Melmac?

That's how we dealt
with everything on Melmac.

- ALF, doorbell.
- Yeah.

Just call me Pavlov's alien.

Raquel. Trevor.

Guess what?
The Litwaks were robbed.

- Oh, we heard.
- From who?

Mrs. Litwak.

She's such a busybody.

Let's cut to the chase,
huh, Raquel?

Now we're forming
a neighborhood watch.

You guys wanna be part of it?

- A neighborhood watch..
- That's right.

Speaking of watches, Kate

I hope the one
you lent me was insured.

Um, maybe we should join
before we lose everything.

Great. The first meeting is
tomorrow night at 8 o'clock.

We'll bring extra chairs,
you provide the refreshments.

Well, where's the meeting?

Oh, here.
Didn't we mention that?

I don't remember hearing it.
Do you, Kate?

Maybe we were
out of the room at the time.

Well, then, see you
tomorrow night at 8 o'clock.

Oh, wait a minute, um..

...shouldn't the meeting
be at your place

seeing that
it's your idea and all.

Oh, please, Kate, I'm too upset

to take the plastic
off the furniture.

We don't mind sitting
on plastic.

Try doin' it naked.

Let's compromise.

Uh, we'll have the meeting
at your place

and I'll bring the refreshments.

Alright, but nothing fancy.

A few finger sandwiches..

...maybe a homemade
coffee cake.

Preferably decaf.

Yeah, and I'll come over
here and look after

your teenage daughter, your son

and AL..
That-that, uh, hairy thing.

'What hairy thing?'

- Cat.
- Yeah.

I, uh, momentarily
forgot the name for it.

He's from New York.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Oh, don't forget
those finger sandwiches, huh?

Finger sandwiches?

And you won't let me eat cats.

'I'm Officer Griswald'

and I'll try to remember
each of your names.

And if you neighbors
will all work together

we can stop crime.

'Remember the neighborhood
watch motto.'

Don't let 'em
knock your block off.

I don't get it.

It's just a joke, Mrs. Byrd

you know, uh, knock, block.

That's just stupid.


So, do any of you know
what citizen patrols are?

- I do.
- 'Mm-hmm.'

Teacher's pet.

It's just neighbors

taking turns
walking the streets.

That's right,
now how many of you

would be interested
in doing that?


Hey, ALF, what's goin' on now?

Well, the cop just
asked for streetwalkers

and Kate raised her hand.

Hey, I just call 'em
as I see 'em.

- Gin.
- Not again.

Hey, do you wanna go double or
nothin' for a trip to paradise?

Either way I lose.

Can you knock off the double

You're steaming up the windows!

Officer Griswald, how often
would you say the perpetrators

return to the
scene of the crime?

Well, I'd never say it,
because I can't pronounce it!

But I know what you mean!
It does happen!

And if the crooks missed
something of value

the first time,
they might come back for it!

That does it! I'm putting my
six-pack of Billy Beer

in a safe deposit box!

You're an idiot.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

'Now what are they doing?'

Mrs. Byrd's trying
to hit on Trevor!

- Let's just settle down here!
- Well, she started it!

Now Trevor's trying to hit
Mrs. Byrd!

Now, it would be helpful if the
people who are out on patrol

could report back to a central
base station!

So does anybody
have any radio equipment?

A shortwave citizen band,
that sort of thing?

Willie has a CB radio
in his garage!

Your garage would probably make
a good headquarters!

Would you be interested in being
the block captain?

No, not really!

Ah, he's just holding
out for a captain's hat!

I nominate Willie Tanner
for block captain

and I move that
we buy him a hat.

- Second.
- All in favor?


Settled. Let's hit the bricks
and nail this scum.

Do we get to carry clubs?

- CB equipment?
- Operational.

- Walkie talkies?
- Operational.

Cordless phone
on separate line?


- Stupid-looking hat?
- Op..

That's unnecessary, ALF,
really unnecessary.

Well, I'm upset, Willie.

Give me one reason
why I can't be

part of this neighborhood watch.

Because you don't
put responsibility

into irresponsible hands.

That's not a reason.

That's a platitude.

Because I said so.

Well, that's dogma.

It's worse than dogma.


The answer is no, ALF.

Oh, but I'm the perfect choice
for this job.

I've got a great voice.

Yes, and people are gonna
wanna know whose voice that is.

It'll be your voice, Willie.

I'm a whiz with sound equipment.

A little less bass,
a little more treble

a smidgen of static.

I'll sound just like you.

All I need now
is a hesitation coach.

I don't...think..

Hello? Hello.
Mrs. Byrd, Trevor?

Are you out there?
This is the Sentinel.

The Sentinel?

Yes, the Sentinel.

Boy, that hat's
gone to your head.

Trevor, what's the situation
out there?

'We're just standin' here
in front of Byrd's house'

'seein' if this
walkie talkie works.'

'Get out of my trash can,

'Hey, I'm just lookin' for'

'some of my stolen stuff here.'

'Oh, are you insinuating'

'that I robbed your house?'

'Well, this looks
like my pizza crust.'

'I want a new partner.'

Could you hold that thought?

I'll be back in one minute.

Willie, you can't run
this operation 24 hours a day.

You're gonna need relief
and that's spelled A-L-F.


Oh, one shot, Willie.
That's all I ask.

I see you as a fair man..

...with a stupid-looking hat.

Alright, you want a chance,
you've got it.

You've got your chance,
go ahead.

Try! Try and make these two
work as a team.

Alright, alright.
Give me room, alright?

I'll show you how Captain Kirk
would have handled it.

- Can I wear the hat?
- You have to earn this hat.


Alright, Ochmonek, Byrd,
this is the Sentinel.

Now, I want you two
to knock it off.

You're supposed to be
fighting crime, not each other.

'Hey, that doesn't sound
like you, Tanner.'

You see? I told you.

'Yes, you sound so much
more forceful.'

See? I told you.

Now, I want to see
some teamwork out there!

You know, like
Bartles and Jaymes.

Okay, shake hands.

'Shake hands? He's been
digging in my trash.'

Well, then, salute each other.

'Alright, alright,
we're saluting.'

Okay, at ease.


It looks stupid
on you too.

Oh, Willie, will you tell Alf
that dinner is ready?

He doesn't want any dinner!

Alf is turning down a meal?

Quick, call Geraldo Rivera!

He's too busy being
The Sentinel!

He calls himself The Sentinel?

Yeah! Silly, isn't it?

Alf is really getting into this
neighborhood-watch thing.

Oh, tell me about it.

During yesterday's inspection
he told me that we didn't have

adequate exterior lighting!

He said he was gonna have
my bike impounded

if I didn't get it registered!

He wanted me to go to the pet
shop to price pit bulls.

What did he tell you, dad?

Oh, he told me to go back
to my family

and leave the crime fighting
to the professionals!

You know, maybe what we're
seeing here is the dawning

of a new Alf.
More responsible, more mature.


This is the Sentinel
calling Citizen Ochmonek!

Are you at your post? Over!

'I'm in the can, Tanner!
I'll be out there at 7:00!'

From now on please address me
as The Sentinel.

And you forgot to say,
"Over!" Over!

'Give me a break, huh?'

How would you like to walk
the graveyard shift? Over!

'Okay. Okay. Over.'

And don't forget to wash
your hands!

This is the Sentinel
calling Citizen Byrd.

'Yeah, I'm here.
What is it this time?'

Suspicious looking character.

Vicinity of 164 Hemdale.

'I don't see anyone.'

Well, she's wearing
a tacky fur coat

and talking into her hand.

'That's me, you dolt.'

Oh, sorry. Uh, outrageous coat,
babe and I mean that.

Oh, hey, wait! Wait!

There's another suspicious
character on the next block.

Check it out.

'Check it out yourself,
and get off my back.'

Tell you what,
why don't I check it out?

Officer Griswald.

Yo, Grizzy,
it's me the Sentinel.

Not again. Look..

Tanner, I know a crime is
committed every five minutes

but they're not
all in your neighborhood.

That's because
I'm on the job.

What is it this time?

A man just came
out of 202 Hemdale

carrying a large plastic bag.

Oh-oh, he's headed for the curb!

It's going down!
It's going down!

Could this guy be
taking out his trash?

Uh...could be.

Over and out.

♪ Give me a ticket
for an aeroplane ♪

♪ Ain't got the time
to make the first train ♪

♪ Lonely days are gone
I'm going home ♪

♪ My baby
she wrote me a letter.. ♪♪

I'll get it.

Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks.

And Jake.

Hi, tall, teenage,
and tantalizin'.

Gag me with a shovel.

Whatever turns you on.

- Any requests?
- Yeah.

Go jump in the lake and take
your CB with ya.


Everyone thinks
that you're taking

this neighborhood watch thing
far too seriously.

Have I, as the Sentinel

done something
that's offended you?

Let us just say we don't
want to be involved anymore.

We're turning in
our code names.

Cross The Phantom
and Lolita off your list.

The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd
are droppin' out too.

I guess I got a little
carried away, huh?

You called me horsemeat.

I-I'm sure I didn't say..


I'm sure that I said
something nice

that just sounded
like horsemeat.

At any rate,
don't try to contact us.

We're on our way
outta town.

We're going to Tijuana
to do some shopping.

We have a whole house
to refurnish.

Come on, Jake.

Can't I stay
with the Tanners?

I'm allergic to kitsch.



Drink the water.


I told you, you can't stay here

unless Willie invites you
to stay, of his own free will..

...without being
pushed into it.

Of course, Jake is more than
welcome to stay.

Well, alright then.
See you manana.

Hasta luego.

- Come on, Trevor.
- Right behind you, Phantom.

If you two will excuse me

there's a little matter
I have to discuss with ALF.

Oh, take your time, sir.
We'll be fine.

Oh, uh, could you dim
the lights on your way out?

No problem.

This is your captain speaking.

Come in, Ochmonek.



Rambo, Bigfoot, horsemeat?


Maybe there was a nuclear war
and I'm the only one left.

Hello! Oh, hey, Willie.

Did you see
any mushroom clouds out there?

Come in, Ochmonek!

I know you're..
I know you're out there!


You are through being
block captain forever.


Let me see if I can read
between the lines here.

You're fired.

No, that's not what
you're getting at.

That is exactly what
I'm getting at.

You're finished.

Not only have
you-you humiliated me

in front of my neighbors

but you've ruined
what could've been

an excellent
crime-prevention program.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Well, you're near-sighted.


I'm fired?


Um, I don't suppose
you'd be interested

in some suspicious movement
in the shrubbery next door.

Evidently not.


Hey, guess who, Grismeister?


Um, I don't suppose
you'd be interested

in some suspicious movement
in the shrubbery next door.

It's a trend.

Well, ALFer,
it's up to you.

An alien's got to do
what an alien's got to do.

When the going gets tough..

...the tough get going.

Many are called..

...but few are chosen.

And you can't get
anything done

when you stand around talking
to yourself in cliches.

This guy's
gonna be rice pudding.


Oh! What am I doing?

I'm a cop.

We're cops.

Aren't we?

We gotta check it out.

Don't we?

Come on, let's go.


Don't you know
what freeze means?

Well, it's about time.

'You, in the house..'

'...come out
with your hands up.'