ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 16 - We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert - full transcript

A visit from Willie's Uncle Albert surprises the Tanners and causes ALF great distress.

Hi, everyone, I'm home.

Hi, honey,
supper's almost ready.

Great. I'm starved.

What's in the box, Willie?

I'm fine, Alf.
How are you?

Racked with curiosity,
cloaked in conundrum

and carrying a thesaurus.

Now, what's in that box?

Did you ever hear the expression
"Curiosity killed the cat?"

Yeah, it's usually
followed by the expression

"Pass the plum sauce."

Hey, dad, what's in the box?

It's a dead cat, B.
I'll split it with ya.

It's not a dead cat.

But I think it is something
that you and Brian will enjoy.

Is it the remains
of the Elephant Man?

It's a tent!

I thought you might enjoy
camping out in the backyard.

Why? The refrigerator
and bathroom are in here.

Look, uh, you're gonna
get to stay in the backyard

in this tent
for a couple of days.


Because my Uncle Albert called

he's coming for a visit.

- Oh, no.
- Uncle Albert?

Why is he coming?
He doesn't even like it here.

All he does is complain.

Well, it's not like
this place is Shangri-La.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Willie, we voted
fair and square.

Uncle Albert
stays in the tent.

No, you're staying
in the tent, ALF.

Well, I don't wanna
sleep out here.

This place is swarming
with armored leeches.

Those are snails.

I don't care if they're
slugs with hunchbacks

I'm not sleeping out here.

Look, ALF, we always
make you stay in the garage.

I thought sleeping in a tent
would be a nice change of pace.

Yeah. Listen,
Will and testament.

Since Uncle Albert
is such a pain

why don't you
just tell the guy to bug off?

Oh, I can't do that, ALF.
He's family.

Fine. Now you're stuck
with an unwanted house guest.

Isn't it strange how that
pattern keeps repeating itself?

Why? Kate's mother's coming too?

- Let's just put up the tent.
- Fine.

Why is it taking so long?


It's taking so long
because you keep undoing

everything I'm doing.

Would you please hand me..

"...a box of wing nuts?"

Wing nuts?

Uh...I'm afraid
I've eaten them.

You ate a box of wing nuts?

I thought it said walnuts.

Don't bother looking for the
package marked Tent Stakes.

I think I'd better just finish,
finish this by myself.


I'll be over here
if you need me.

I'll keep that in mind
in case things go too smoothly.

Hi, guys.
How's it goin'?

Fine. Except ALF's
digested most of the parts.

Willie, what happens
if the ball hits the paddle?

I don't think
you'll have to worry about it.

Willie, Uncle Albert
just called.

He's not coming?

He's coming.

He wants to know
what shoe size you wear.

Oh, right, why bother
to bring shoes

when he can borrow mine.

- Ah.
- What a mooch.

Now, whose shoes
am I supposed to wear?

He also wants to know
my dress size.

Maybe he wants to buy us gifts.

Gifts, schmifts.
The guy sounds like a pervert.

I guess I'll have to
pound some sense into him.

You're not to
beat the house guests, ALF.

Not even Uncle Albert.

Well, this guy sounds
like a real monkey's uncle.

No offense, Willie.

Oh, you're right.
He, he's terrible.

He's no sooner in the door then,
"Hey, it's freezing in here.

"Turn up the heat.
What's that stink?

"Is that you cooking, Kate?

Uh, by the way,
I'm gonna stay another week."

Wow! What a great impression
of Bette Davis.

Willie, I can't
stay in that tent.

I'm deathly afraid
of the outdoors.

I once got caught
in a meteor shower

without my umbrella.

- Nice try, ALF.
- Thanks.

I was gonna faint,
but I think I made my point.

Too bad we didn't buy it.

You didn't?


ALF, you fainted on a snail.

Whoa. Whoa.

[instrumental music]

Chocolate cake.


Chocolate ice cream.


Chocolate pudding.


- Acne pads.
- Check.

What are you guys doing?

ALF's teaching me
how to be a box boy.

I'm collecting refreshments

for my stay under the big top.

ALF, it's only for two days.

Well, that's why
I'm not bringing my toothbrush.

'Hi, everyone.'

'We're back with Uncle Albert!'

Why do they walk
into a house yelling?

That's a signal
for you to get into the tent.

Oh. And here I thought
they were going deaf.

Well, Bri, let's put a smile on
for the old fogey.

Oh, slippers.

How thoughtful,
and how unexpected.

Uncle Albert,
this dress is gorgeous!

Yeah, I know.
I picked it out myself.



Would you look
at these beautiful children!


Lynn, you've blossomed
into a lovely young lady.

Well, thank you, Uncle Albert.

It's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Or anyone.

- And, Brian..
- You remembered my name.

Well, of course I did, Brian.

- Here, give me a five.
- I don't have $5.

Oh-oh, the Tanner wit.

First I've heard of it.

Brian, how would you like
an Angels' baseball hat, huh?

- How much?
- Come on, it's free!

Thanks, Uncle Albert!

I'm gonna go show A..

The guy in the tent.

The guy in the tent?

- Uh..
- He has an imaginary friend.


Now, Lynn,
guess where this is from.

You found it on a bus?

No. It's from Gucci's.


Well, what happened
to the army-navy store?

Oh, not anymore.
Not for my Lynnie.

- Well...thanks.
- It's my pleasure.

Now, let's all go
to dinner, huh?

- Oh, I, uh...
- Don't worry. The tab's on me.

Oh, but I'm not payin'
for Brian's invisible friend.

[instrumental music]

Oh, could you believe
the size of that dinner check?

And Uncle Albert
left a 30 percent tip.

He usually
only leaves 30 cents.

Oh. What are we gonna do
with all those leftovers?

[ALF burps]

I think they may have been
taken care of.


No, thank you.

ALF, did you eat
all of that food?

Yeah, and for the first time
in my life

I actually feel full.

Why aren't you out in that tent?

It's too dangerous out there.

I had to kill
a 50-foot water snake

with my pocket knife.

There, there are no
50-foot water snakes

in the backyard.

I'm tellin' ya,
it was bright green

and it spit water.

Psst. Psst.

That was my new garden hose.

Well, no wonder
it was sucking on the spigot.

Go on. Go back to the tent.

I can't. I'm bored.

I need companionship.

I need a woman.


I'm desperate. Species is
no longer a priority.


You only have to
stay in that tent one more day.

Uncle Albert is leaving
tomorrow night.

That's not soon enough.

Look, I have to go grocery
shopping tomorrow morning.

That leaves you and Uncle Albert
alone in the house.

I want you to promise me

that you will stay zipped
into that tent.

But I'll miss my soaps.

- Tsk.
- You don't watch soaps.

He means the one
where the coyote

tries to catch the road runner.


One Friday, the coyote
fell off an 80-foot cliff.

I've gotta see if he survived.

Well, he's not
made of iron, people.

[instrumental music]

'Let's go in the kitchen, huh?'

I'll make you breakfast.

Katie, why are you
washing the dishes?

- They're dirty?
- Here, let me do that.

Uncle Albert, could,
could I ask you a question?


- What's wrong with you?
- Wrong?

Why are you acting so nice?

Yeah, the dinner
and the cab rides

and the Gucci and the slippers
and the 30 percent tip.

Alright, alright,
I'll tell you.

Come on, sit down.

I have changed.

It all began when they took me
to the hospital..

...after my heart attack.

We didn't know
you had a heart attack.

Who did?

Nobody missed me,
so nobody checked on me.

I was flat on my back
for a month.

No visitors.
You know, no get-well cards.

Not a phone call even.

And that's when
I began to realize

what a louse
I must have been.

I realized
I had to mend my ways.

That's why I came.

Well, you're off
to a good start.

We hardly remember the old you.

Thanks, Katie,
that's what I wanted to hear.

Now, you two go on,
before the old me comes back.

Well, we wouldn't want
that to happen.

Go on. I've got
tuna fish to make.

Okay. Uh, see you after work.

I'll be back in a little while.

Come on, now you're making me

feel all squishy inside.

Get out of here, will ya?

[comical music on T.V.]

[music continues]

Care for a cookie?

Alright, after your nap.

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

Hello, social services.

Hold, please.

Hey, Willie,
call for you on line four.

Sounds like Sammy Davis Jr.


Hey, man, how'd you like
this clever ruse?

Why are you
calling me at work?

You promised
to stay in the tent!

But we're out of canned peaches.

You.. You called me for peaches?

Well, I also need grape leaves,
yellow cellophane.

- And a tag for the toe.
- A tag for the what?

'You're not writing
this down, are you?'

No, I'm not!
What is this all about?

Alright, it was
gonna be a surprise

but Uncle Albert's dead.


Hey, hey, don't worry.

I've already started
the embalming process.

That's why I need the peaches.


Willie, is it true Sammy
is going on the road again?

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

ALF...what is going on here?

We're celebrating.

Uncle Albert is gone.


He left without saying goodbye?

It was rather sudden.



Where are my peaches?

Is it true about Uncle Albert?

Well, apparently so.

I mean, talk about
the perfect guest..

He came, he was nice

and he left before
we got tired of him.

Oh, Kate, please.

Hey, come on, man! Lighten up.

Here, have a hat.

Have you no respect
for the dead?


ALF, you said
Uncle Albert was gone.

You thought he left?

- Oh, my God.
- What happened?

ALF, exactly what happened?

Well, I was in the tent
watching T.V..

the coyote did survive.

...when Uncle Albert
stuck is head in.

- He saw you?
- Yeah.

I offered him
one of Kate's cookies

but he keeled over.

Hey, don't take it personally.

Some people
just don't have a sweet tooth.

Speaking of which

did you get those
canned peaches, Willie?

I need to finish
basting the deceased.

Hey, hey, let the guy
marinate in peace.


- Are we having a party?
- I'm trying to.

This isn't a party.

Sure it is!

It's just like a birthday party

only someone else
has to blow out the candles.

It, it's true.

- Told ya.
- Told ya what?



Un-Uncle Albert..

...ha-has passed away.


He's gone.

Sleeps with the peaches.

He's a forest lawn jockey.

ALF, you're upsetting Brian.

No, he's not.

Thattaway, Brian!

Death is a happy time.

A time celebrate.

Well, at least on Melmac it was.

This is not Melmac,
this is Earth.

And on Earth,
death is a very sad occasion.



I guess few of
the things I've said

could be interpreted
as somewhat tasteless.

I don't get it.

Am I supposed to be
sad or happy?


Brian, someone
who loved you is gone.

I say happy.

Look at it from
Uncle Albert's point of view.

He'll never be sad again.

Or tired...or hungry.

Or late for work!

His time came, and he went.

I-I can't help think
it was my fault.

I should have been more careful.

I put ALF in the tent,
now Albert saw him

and he, he probably
died of shock.

Hey, come on.

Don't blame yourself, Willie.

Gosh, if anyone
killed Uncle Albert.. was me.

[instrumental music]

Kate, you think this tie
is too loud for a funeral?

Willie, the tie is black.

It's charcoal.

It's fine.

How you guys holding up?

Okay, I guess.

It just doesn't seem fair
that Uncle Albert had to go now

just, just when he was learning
how to be a good person.

I know. How's ALF taking it?

Oh, not too well. He still
thinks it was his fault.

But it's not,
he couldn't help it

if Uncle Albert
stuck his head in the tent.

I told him that but he said that
his looks were lethal

and we should get him
a permit for his face.

- I'll try talking to him.
- 'Thanks, honey.'

'Willie, we really should go.'

Now, if you need us, we'll be
at the Waxman Funeral Parlor.

Okay, have fun.


[somber music]


ALF, are you in there?

'Go away.'

I brought you some banana bread.

ALF, please come out of there.

'No! If you see me, you'll die.'

I've already seen you.

I know what you look like.


I'm double-bagged
for your protection.

Come on.
Eat some banana bread.

I'm not hungry.

You really are upset.

What was death like on Melmac?


Everyone died at the same age.

Six hundred and fifty.

There were no surprises.

And you could plan.

You could stock up
on fruit and things?


And the week before you go

you give away
your personal belongings.

The year before you go..

...your credit cards
are canceled.

I'd be afraid to know
exactly when I was gonna die.

Hey, I'd be afraid not to know.

That's why I feel
so bad about Uncle Albert.

I took him before his time.

Thanks to me..

...he didn't have a chance
to wrap things up.

Yes, he did.

What are you talkin' about?

See, Uncle Albert
came here to make amends

to show us that he really
could be a nice guy.

A lot of people
don't get a chance to do that.

But he did.

- Really?
- Really.

Well, if that's true

then I'll get over
this eventually.

But I'd still like
to stay in this box awhile.

I understand.

You need some time to think.


Oh, hey, Lynn?

You could leave
that banana bread.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, you're outta your box.

Yeah. How was the funeral?

Oh, not so bad
as I thought it would be.

When I first got there,
I-I was feeling pretty down.

But then I-I started thinking

about the last few days
with Uncle Albert

and I-I started remembering

some of the things
that you'd said.

You know, I had to smile..

...because I-I
could see him now

in an entirely different light.

He, he didn't have
a care in the world.

I, I actually felt
happy for him.

Spoken like a true Melmackian.

I'll bet..

...I'll bet
he's up there right now

listening to us.

Uncle Albert..

...thanks for stopping by.

So, ALF,
what are you doing out here?

Well, pondering our place

in the vastness of the universe.

It is humbling.

You know, it's been said

"A man's life is but

a small parenthesis
in eternity."

Looking at the stars..

...makes one realize
how inconsequential

we all really are.


It also gives
one a crick in one's neck.

Could you, uh,
push my head down?

A, a snail!


That's more like it.

[theme music]