ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 15 - Can I Get a Witness? - full transcript

Wow!

Oh, football!
Can I watch too?

Oh, ALF, last time we
watched football together

you belched all through
the whole game.

Hey! That's how
we applaud on Melmac.

Hey, good catch.

No more applause please.

Alright, I'll just clap.

No.

Hey, dad, want to play football?

Oh! Yeah. Sure. Why not?
It's almost half-time anyway.



Can I play too?

Oh, sure. Come on.
Kate, we'll all play.

I'll pass.

No, I wanna pass.

I mean I don't wanna play.

Why, 'cause I won't
let you pass?

Come on, ALF.

I said no applause.

That wasn't applause,
that was root beer.

That was quick. What happened
to your football game?

The game was called
on account of ALF.

Yeah, first, he sat
on the sidelines

spat into his helmet.

Then he said
we weren't playing right.



Yeah, he sent Brian off on
a very complicated pass pattern

and he told him
to slant left, button hook.

Hop up and down,
put on a disguise

- Dig a hole.
- Dig a hole, right.

Stay in it until
Groundhog's Day.

Then do the hokey pokey
and turn myself around.

Yeah, turn yourself around,
uh-huh.

That would fake out
the other team.

So we're going to watch
the game on TV.

Think we'll get
a better workout that way.

'Post pattern, Willie.'

- No, no. No!
- 'Heads up!'

Ahem. What happened?
Did we score?

No, it was intercepted
by my dinnerware.

What do you expect, when you
leave plates in the end zone?

Keep this outside!

Hey, hey, watch it!
You'll break the grass.

Mmm. Great meal, mom,
what's for dessert?

You can't have dessert

till all the other
food's been served.

All the other food
has been served.

That's it? One measly ham?

Why did I work up an appetite
playing football?

Who were you playing
football with?

- He played by himself.
- And I won.

In overtime.

You didn't trample
my flower garden, did you?

Don't worry, I tip-toed
through your tulips.

- Let's see your feet.
- Hmm?

Feet!

You tip-toed through my tulips,
but you demolished my daisies.

Well, don't worry. I high-tailed
it past your hyacinths.

Your turn.

- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.

- Thank you, Lynn.
- Now, where were we, ALF?

Well, If I remember correctly

you were about to give
me a foot massage.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Ochmonek.
- Hello, Lynn.

I would like speak with
your mother and father.

Sure. Mom, dad.

Oh, is that our football?

Well, it's definitely
not mine.

Hi, Raquel.

Raquel, is something
the matter?

Do you know how this football,
got into our backyard?

Uh, not exactly.

Uh, Brian was playing with it.

He probably kicked
it over the fence.

- Well, it broke our window.
- Oh!

I'm so sorry, I'll..
I'll pay for it, of course...

Our very large picture window.

I'll get your checkbook.

Oh, no, that's alright.
Raquel, just send us the bill.

Fine, but please
speak to Brian.

Criminal behavior should
be nipped in the bud.

Criminal behavior?

Breaking windows today could
lead to robbing banks tomorrow.

Brian, a bank robber?

Al Capone was a good boy

until he broke
my grandfather's window.

Of course he pushed
my grandfather through it.

But the result was the same.

- ALF!
- 'Yes!'

- Come here.
- 'No problem.'

Kate, I'm sorry
about your flowers.

Please accept these
along with my apologies.

They smell like feet.

I washed them in Desenex.

ALF, where is our football?

Behind your back.

Raquel said
it broke her window.

Well, that's ridiculous!
Footballs don't break windows.

- People do.
- What about aliens?

Me? I broke nothing I swear.

You broke those plates
when you threw the football

through my kitchen window.

Oh, like that's relevant.

ALF, how did this football get
into the Ochmoneks' backyard?

Well, I have a theory.

Please share it.

Alright. See, I was
standing near the fence.

I kicked the football,
it went up

but it never came back down.

So what's your theory?

Well, isn't it obvious?
Gravity failure.

The football came down
in the Ochmoneks' backyard

and then it broke their window.

Well, I find that
hard to believe.

See, if there's one sound I
recognize, it's glass breaking.

Also China breaking

ceramics breaking,
appliances breaking.

I think my point is made.

Dad, we can't really be sure
that ALF broke the window.

Thank you, Lynn.

Maybe Lynn broke it.

I didn't, but there could
be other explanations.

Well, yeah. There could be
lots of explanations.

Like what?

Explanation one.

The Ochmoneks invited
Ella Fitzgerald over for tea.

Ella hits a high C,
whammo, there goes the window!

Explanation two,
Dough Henning comes over.

He accidentally levitates
Trevor through...

Stop this, stop this!

But I have 18 more.

Although the last few
are a little far-fetched.

Explanation three,
what happened...

- What did ALF do this time?
- Nothing.

Somebody broke
the Ochmoneks' window

and we're trying to
figure out who it was.

Say, it wasn't you,
was it Brian?

No.

Brian dear, this
is very important...

Hey, if the kid said he didn't
do it, he didn't do it.

- Stop with the third degree.
- Fine.

If he didn't do it, that makes
you the prime suspect.

Brian dear,
this is very important.

- Did you break the window?
- No.

Huh! Who could it have been?

It could have been..

...you.

Or Ella, don't count her out.

Alright, that's it. You're not
watching TV for one month.

Why, what did I do?

You can't punish me
without a just cause.

- I demand a trial.
- There's no need for a trial.

Forget the trial.

So you do think I'm guilty.

You're punishing
an innocent alien.

Dad, maybe ALF
should get a trial.

I mean, we don't know
for sure that he did it.

Yeah, dad, my teacher said

everyone's innocent
until proven guilty.

And he does look sincere.

He looks like he's
trying for an Oscar.

Okay, fine. ALF gets
his trial. I'll be the judge.

Oh, no offense, Willie,
but I prefer a fair trial.

What you trust mom
to be the judge?

Without hesitation.

I'm not gonna be the judge, and
there's not gonna be a trial.

Look, I know my rights. I want
my day in court and that's that!

If I'm found guilty,
I'll take the month with no TV.

Okay.

Okay, fine. Present your case.

Now? I need time to prepare.

Listen, mister, you are
the one who asked for a trial.

But I need subpoenas,
and affidavits, and a secretary

who could spell those things.

Okay, we'll have a trial

tomorrow morning
after breakfast.

Fine, whatever you say,
Your Honor.

I respect your judgment
and I'm not just saying that.

- Stop kissing up.
- I'm not kissing up.

I'm innocent.
Why should I have to kiss up?

By the way, I love what
you've done with your hair.

- Stop it.
- I'm stopped.

It's stopped. You're right.

You're brilliant.
She's brilliant.

She's really is.
She's brilliant.

No more kissing up. Not if she
doesn't want me to kiss up.

I wouldn't kiss up
to the judge. Nuh-uh. No, no.

Hear ye, hear ye!
Court is now in session.

Honorable Judge Mom presiding.

Thank you, Brian,
that was very good.

- Where's ALF?
- Here he comes.

F. Lee Shumway.

In my best suit.

Hey, you're gonna
lose more than your suit

when this case is over.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client had to
visit the bathroom.

Did you have to go now?

Yes, or I would have
done something

to make the court
hold me in contempt.

- Could we start now, honey?
- Objection!

There can be no justice
if I call you Your Honor

but the prosecution
calls you honey.

It doesn't matter, ALF.

Perhaps a compromise.

We'll call you Your Honey.

Uh, let me add that
your dress is a perfect choice.

Authoritative, yet feminine.

It's ridiculous!

Let the record show that
Willie hates your dress.

Willie gave me this dress.

Oh, bribing the judge, huh?

Willie, uh, I guess you have,
what, an opening statement?

That won't take long.

Simply put,
ALF broke the window.

Oh, great speech, counselor.
I'm a goner.

Ha, ha, ha!

ALF, I presume that you
have an opening statement.

A brief comment.

Since the dawn of time,
the innocent

have been unjustly accused.

Adam and Eve were evicted
from the Garden of Eden

on a trumped-up charge
of eating an apple.

But Adam and Eve were guilty.

- Says who?
- Says God.

Moving on.

We come to the case
of Cain versus Abel.

Is this gonna be a trip
through recorded history?

Your Honor, the importance
of this case demands

that every President
be made of...

Because if so, we're gonna
have to forget about lunch.

Then to sum it up,
ALF did not break the window.

Let's eat.

I think we'd better finish
with the trial first.

Willie, present your evidence.

The case is simple, Your Honor

what we have here
is a broken window

and we have a defendant
with a long, long history

of reckless behavior.

Starting with the day he crashed
his spaceship into our garage.

Name 12 more.

To name, just 12 more..

He set a fire in the camper,
he chopped up our Christmas tree

he wrecked the toaster,
he ripped that painting

'he dug up the backyard,
he stole a car'

he buried my piano.

I think that's the thing
that hurt me the most.

He got me arrested,
he used our credit cards

excessively and illegally, he
short-circuited the television

he terrorized the cat,
and he blew up the kitchen.

So it's not hard to imagine
that such a person would, could

and in fact did kick a football
through the Ochmoneks' window.

Brilliant!

Did I do all that?

I'm afraid so. We went over
the list last night.

Where?

In bed.

Objection! I'm up all night
with law books

while you're in bed
with that ambulance chaser.

You are out of order.

I withdraw the slur
on my profession.

I'd like to ask the defendant
a couple of questions, if I may.

My client has nothing to hide.

Thank you.

As regards this broken window,
do you have an alibi?

No.

By your own admission,
you kicked

that football into
the Ochmoneks' backyard?

By my own admission,
I never heard anything break.

If a window breaks in the woods,
and there's no one to hear it..

...is it really broken?

If you were in
the woods, uh, yeah.

Do you still claim that Ella
Fitzgerald broke that window?

That's entirely possible.

- It is not possible.
- It is possible!

It is not possible
because Ella Fitzgerald

on the day in question
was out of town

I've checked that out.

Yeah? Would you know
where Beverly Sills was?

I have no further questions.

That's it?
That's your whole case?

You're a disgrace
to the legal profession.

Yeah, well, you don't know
your habeas from your corpus.

Don't drag this into the gutter.

I call to the stand..

What's wrong?

You ruined my dramatic pause.

I was about to name
a surprise witness.

Sorry.

I call to the stand..

...Lynn Tanner.

- Me?
- Surprise!

How long have you
known the defendant?

I have known you..

I mean the defendant
about a year.

Would you say that the defendant
has any saintly qualities?

Well, he resembles
a Saint Bernard.

Quiet, shyster.

Do you think that the
defendant broke the window?

- I guess not.
- Thanks, you're out of here.

Next witness,
I'd like to call..

But let me check
something first.

Brian, come here.

Do you think
I broke the window?

I don't know.

Well, think about it.

I call Brian Tanner
to the stand.

He gave him a bribe!

I prefer to think of it
as an early birthday present.

Thanks, ALF.

Are there any other witnesses?

Yes, Your Honor.

I'd like to call
myself to the stand.

- Oh, brother!
- No, no, no. It's alright.

- ALF, go ahead.
- Thank you.

Did you break the window?

No.

But you don't even know what
window we're talking about.

Well, I assume that you, you
meant the Ochmoneks' window.

Oh, just like we're supposed
to assume your innocence!

- Well, I...
- What are you doing?

I'm just trying to spice
up the proceedings.

I don't wanna hear anymore.

Case dismissed then.

- Objection.
- Sustained.

Figures. I want this case
thrown out of court.

Why?

Because I'm losing.

Summaries?

- ALF did it.
- No, I didn't.

Okay, I'll decide on my verdict.

Take your time,
Your Honor.

Assess and reassess
the evidence before you.

I don't care if it takes days

weeks, months,
to reach a verdict.

Just as long as
justice is served

and I'm found not guilty.

I'm done.

Already?

Well, is it a good verdict
or a bad verdict?

Bad.

Bad for me
or bad for him?

Bad for you.

Then don't tell me what it is.

And please, I'd like
you to accept this

lovely expensive
parting gift.

No, thank you.

As agreed, I sentence you
to 30 days with no TV.

Alright, alright.
I've changed my mind.

I don't want a trial.

Well, 9 o'clock.
Time for "Golden Girls."

So, Blanche, who are you
gonna sleep with tonight?

Everybody.

Ha, ha, ha!

What are you doing?

Watching "Golden Girls."
What does it look like?

Say, hello, Sophia.

Not now. I have to
go to the bathroom

before I lose my seat. Ha, ha!

- ALF.
- You're right.

They do the same jokes
every week.

Hit the music, will ya?

I'm gonna watch "Dance Fever."

Yeah! Go, Feverettes!

ALF, I think you're losing it.

Then stick me
in a state hospital.

One with a big screen TV.

I'm sorry. But you're
the one who wanted a trial.

Yeah, I also thought
justice would triumph.

But I was wrong.

I'm being punished for
a crime I didn't commit.

You really didn't
do it, did you?

No.

You believe me, don't you, Lynn?

Of course I do.

Thanks. I just wish
I had a better lawyer.

Oh, ALF, I think, you did fine.
You handled yourself very well.

Would you let me represent you?

Without hesitation.

- Oh, hi, Trevor.
- How ya doin', Willie?

What can we do for you?

Well, actually,
I came to see Brian.

You came to see me?
What about?

About the window.

I'm sorry you got blamed
for something I did.

You broke the window?

Yeah.

You see, I found
your football in my backyard

and I started to relive
my glory days as a quarterback.

I played for seven
years in high school.

You must have been very good.

- Uh, at sports.
- Oh, yeah.

Anyway, I tried to
complete a pass

between the birdbath
and the sundial.

But it bounced off the porcelain
gnome and broke the window.

Well, why didn't you
just tell Raquel?

I wanted to protect
her image of me.

She still thinks of me
as her football hero.

- So you told her Brian did it?
- Oh, no.

I didn't find out till this
morning she blamed him.

And then when I saw
"I'm innocent" spray painted

on your bathroom window
I figured I'd better fess up.

I'm sorry, little guy.

It's okay, big guy.

Oh, by the way, Brian, there's
only one 'S' in innocent.

Thanks.

Well..

...case dismissed.

- What?
- Uh..

Nothing.

I hope I didn't cause
too much trouble.

Oh, that's okay,
Trevor, it's over now.

Actually, it's kind of sweet
that you still care so much

what Raquel thinks.

And I guess we're just
a couple of romantics.

Sometimes I put on
my old letter sweater

Raquel wears her cheerleader
outfit, and we tap a keg.

Just like the old days.

Raquel was a cheerleader?

Still has the same figure
she had in high school.

No kidding.

Of course she works at it.

- Bye, I'll see you, Willie.
- Well, thanks.

Trevor, thanks for
clearing all that up.

Oh, I had to.

Once I found that Raquel
wanted you to pay this bill.

The least I could do
is go halfsies.

Eh, it's on me.

Well, Willie, as my last
official act as judge

I suggest we apologize to ALF.

Yeah, I better.
I'd better do it.

After all, I was the prosecutor.

Hear ye, hear ye,
court is now in session.

Yeah, yeah!

Oh, don't be fool.
You're not the father.

Buy a vowel.

- What are you doing?
- I'm watching TVs.

Turn two of those off.
You're wasting electricity.

Hey, Willie, you owe me.

You made me feel like
a common criminal.

You've scarred me for life

and now you want to
take away my TVs?

At long last,
"Will-De-Beast."

Have you no sense
of decency?

ALF, how long are you gonna
push this guilt trip on me?

I was thinking till
after Christmas.

Think again.

Hey, Willie,
while you're in there

could you check on
my three TV dinners?

Ha, ha, ha! Oh, yeah!