ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 20 - You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog - full transcript

This is pretty
hefty punishment

for breaking one measly chimney.

Hey, ALF. Watch this.

Interesting.

'It's a dog.'

I could see that,
but it wrecked your stick trick.

What was supposed to happen?

That was it.
That's how you play fetch.

Fascinating game.

Right up there
with watching golf.

You wanna throw one?



Alright. What harm could it do?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, what are the chances
that the crash I just heard

was the Ochmoneks
breaking their own window?

Slim and none.
And slim is out of town.

Where did this dog come from?

She followed me home
from school.

'Hey, Tanner!'

ALF, you-you better hide whilst
I, once again, take the blame

for something you did.

Thanks, Willie.
You're a prince.

I'm a king.

Good afternoon, guys.

Uh, does this look
familiar to anyone?



Oh, gee, I'm-I'm sorry, Trevor.

B-Brian and I were..

...uh, we were just,
sort of...play..

- It's twenty dollars, right?
- Eighty.

Eighty dollars?

Yeah, I'm putting
in Plexiglas this time.

It'll be cheaper for you
in the long run.

- Good planning.
- Thanks.

- 'Well, I'll see ya.'
- 'So long, Trevor.'

- Uh, she sure is a pretty dog.
- Can we keep her?

Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?

No. I-I-I don't know.

I-I'm sure she's got
an owner somewhere.

Can't we just keep her
until we find the owner?

Well, I-I guess so, as long, as
long as it's okay with your mom.

Oh, goody, goody,
goody, goody, goody!

I didn't know you liked dogs.

What's not to like?

They are loyal, obedient.
They hate cats.

And those who eat them.

Down, boy. Down.

Hi, there.

Gordon Shumway.
Nice to meet you.

Interested in a new Buick?

Nice try.

Wait a minute.
One of these steaks is missing.

- ALF!
- No, no. I didn't. Honest.

I looked,
but I didn't touch.

Well, you did so touch!

Alright, I touched,
but I didn't eat.

And I'm supposed to believe
one of these steaks

just got up
and walked away on it's own?

I've seen stranger.

That's it, ALF.
No dinner for you tonight.

But I'm starved!
I've been fasting since lunch.

Well, I did eat that pumpkin.

Anyone lose a steak?

O-o-okay, ALF.
I'm sorry I accused you.

Apology accepted.

I'd hate to be in your paws,
you cattle rustler!

Bad dog!

Oh, I didn't mean it.

No, she didn't mean it.

- Oh.
- Here.

You're a good dog, aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Come on, pup. Come on.

You're a good dog. Yes, you are.

This is an outrage!

That dog should be flogged on
the quarterdeck.

Whatever that means.

Oh, ALF, she's just a dog.
She doesn't know any better.

Ignorance is no excuse.

Ignorance is your excuse
all the time.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Okay, watch this.

Speak.

Okay. Okay. Sit.

Oh.

That is so cute!

Talk about stupid pet tricks.

Letterman would have
a field day with this one.

Well, I put up a bunch
of those dumb posters.

I still hope nobody
claims Alfina.

- Alfina?
- Oh!

Don't you just hate that name?

What a good girl!

Canine kiss up.

I still think
we should offer a reward

to anyone who claims that dog.

You don't offer a reward
when you find a dog.

You offer a reward
when you lose a dog.

Okay, I'll give you
five bucks to lose Alfina.

- ALF!
- Kidding!

I'm a funny alien.

I know the routine.

Exit stage right.

- Where is he?
- Where's who?

My dog. That's who.

You found him, didn't you?

Well, yes, we did.

I mean, that is to say
we found a dog.

He's mine. Where is he?

It's not a he.
She's a she.

I knew that.
Is that her?

- Don't you recognize her?
- Of course, I do.

Come here, dog!

She doesn't seem
to be responding to you.

We had a fight!
She'll get over it.

Uh, do you suppose

and, uh, mind you,
this is just a thought..

...that you might be mistaken
about this being your dog?

I lost a dog.
You found a dog.

Can we do business or not?

I think not.

Here's my address
and telephone number

in case you change your mind.

Okay.

Have a nice day!

I'm glad
you're not her dog.

Yeah. Me too.

Could I take Alfina for a walk?

Sure, honey.

Watchout for that dragon lady.

Come on, Alfina.

Isn't that a picture.
A boy and his dog.

And the alien he left behind.

ALF..

...why did you do that?

Well, I could have
licked your hand

but I didn't think
either of us would enjoy that.

Well, you're right. I much
prefer a blow to the head.

As you wish, master.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll read that when I get up..

...in three hours.

What are you two doing?

ALF thinks he's a dog.

Apparently,
dogs can't tell time.

Actually, we can,
but we have so few appointments

why bother?

ALF, you're not a dog.

Well, I wish I were a dog.

Dogs get treated better
than aliens around here.

That's because dogs behave
better than aliens around here.

I'll change.
You'll see.

I'll-I'll heal. I'll fetch.
I'll play dead.

Could we discuss this
in the morning?

But I am great at playing dead.

I was Camille
in my high school play.

I feel weak.

Is nothing sacred?
Out of my bed!

You come in here, stick your
big snout into everything.

Take over the house,
eat all the food.

That's my job.

How would you feel
about relocating?

I'll take that as a yes.

- Tomatoes?
- Uh, over here.

Thank you. Oregano?

- Where you left it.
- Thank you.

- Oh. Whipped cream?
- Coming at you.

Morning!

- Oh, morning, ALF.
- I smell food.

And lots of it.

What's cooking?

Oh, your all-time favorite
Sunday breakfast.

Cats Benedict?

No. French toast, Jell-O
and spaghetti.

Ah, Christmas came early
this year.

Well, actually, we-we felt like
we kinda owed you an apology.

Well, I agree. What for?

Well, for neglecting you

and spending
all our time with Alfina.

Speaking of Alfina,
where is she?

Yeah, you know,
she always comes

running when
there's food cooking.

Yeah. ALF, you haven't
seen her, have you?

Check, please.

What have you done?

Oh, sure. Just assume
that I gave Alfina away.

You gave away Alfina?

Saved by the bell.

You stay right
where you are, mister.

This doesn't have the feel
of your typical happy ending.

Hi, can I help you?

I came to get my dog.

Oh, okay, come on in.

This is her.
This is my dog, Francesca.

Can I have her back, please?

- Sure.
- Oh, uh, no, wait.

Um, before we give her to you

we have to make sure
she is your dog.

Oh, she's my dog, alright.

She's brown and white and
shaggy, and she does tricks.

- What kind of tricks?
- The wrong tricks.

Like, when I tell her
to sit up and beg

she rolls over and plays dead.

That's her, alright.

My dad taught her that.
He has a weird sense of humor.

I can't find Alfina anywhere.

Who's Alfina?

Oh, we have a little problem.

- Uh..
- Hannah.

Hannah.

I'm Mr. Tanner.

- This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.
- Hello.

And these are the Tanner
siblings, Brian, Lynn.

Hi.

Um, Hannah is here
to pick up her dog.

Uh-oh.

Where is she?

Actually, we don't know
where she is

just at the moment.

Oh, no. I have to sit down.

Oh, please.

You know, we did find your dog.
I mean, Brian found your dog.

It's just that she seems
to have...wandered off.

We just moved to
this neighborhood

And Francesca is the only friend
I have here.

Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry.

We'll help you find your dog.

And if we can't..

...I can think
of a suitable replacement.

ALF.

Hold on, Willie.

I'm trying to find
the right quotation

to express my regret.

This one seems apropos.

"To err is human."

You got rid of that dog,
didn't you?

You're right.
The buck stops here.

"Admiral John Poindexter, 1987."

Where is the dog, ALF?

I thought Brian
was getting too attached

to the little mutt.

That's not for you to decide.
I'm in charge here.

Oh, uh,
"General Alexander Haig, 1981."

ALF, what have you done
with the dog?

Hey, hey, don't worry.

I called that nice lady
who said she was the owner.

She picked Alfina up last night.

Oh, ALF.

It was obvious to anyone

that woman never laid eyes
on Alfina in her life!

Well, she sure had me fooled!

"Gary Hart, 1987."

Shut up, you mutt.

I'm coming! I'm coming.

Keep your pants on.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, I-I-I'm sorry,
Mrs. Buttonwood

I-I hope I'm not disturbing you.

But it didn't bother you when
you phoned at 4:00 this morning

Oh, that-that I-I-I am sorry.

Forget it. It gave me a chance
to shave my legs.

Step inside, Tanner.

You're letting
all the flies out.

'Hey-hey, hey.'

Alfina.

Hey, how you doing, girl?

You know, Mrs. Buttonwood,
I-I-I'd really

I'd really like
to have her back.

I'd like
to be Christie Brinkley.

You learn to live with it.

But the dog's real owner
came by today

and she, she would love
to have her back.

She can have her back.

- Great.
- For 500 bucks.

- Five hundred?
- Bucks!

You have a hearing problem?

But the dog's real owner
is-is a little girl.

And-and she misses her so much.

You know, she was crying
in my living room.

Aw. Breaks your heart,
doesn't it?

Five hundred bucks!

- Will you take a check?
- Cash!

Cash.

You can't be too careful.

There's a lot
of slime out there.

I hear you.

You know,
I don't have $500 cash on me.

'Ethel! Open up!'

My ex-boyfriend, that is,
if he ain't short of a dollar

and jealous to the bone.

Just a minute, honey.

I'm not dressed yet.

'Ethel! You got a man in there?'

Maybe there is!

You better get out of here while
your face is still in the front.

But I..

I haven't done anything.

I'll give you a rain check.

Climb out that window.

Oh, that's silly!

- Is there a backdoor?
- It's all boarded up.

Vince threw the mailman
through it last week.

Oh, suddenly, that looks
like quite a drop!

- Don't be a wuss.
- Stop!

Why did you give Alfina
to that mean lady, ALF?

Look, B, like we said on Melmac

"If you love something
set it free.

"If it comes back
to you it is yours.

If it gets run over by a car
you don't want it."

Thanks a lot, ALF.

Sorry.

Hey, hey, let's go
shoot some hoops.

I'll get the peashooter

you see if the hoops
are in their backyard.

I'm not playing with you
anymore, ever!

Dad, where's Alfina?

I'm, I'm sorry, Brian.

I couldn't get her back.

Why not?

Well, apparently, Ms. Buttonwood
only wanted the dog

so she could get $500
from the real owner.

It's all your fault, ALF!

He's right.
I got us into this.

I'll get us out.

Willie, can I borrow $500?

I'll give it back
to you next payday.

You don't have a job, ALF.

I meant your next payday.

You'll stay out of this.

You're in enough hot water!

So what's a little more?

Hey, mutt, move it or lose it.

Never fails.

Sit down to a nice home-cooked
meal and the phone rings.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Psst! Psst! Alfina.

Alfina. It's me, ALF.

I've come to rescue you.

'Hey, dog.'

'You touch that TV dinner,
you're cheese spread.'

Uh, we could throw water on her
and watch her melt

but we're short on time.

Oh, great.

I need a doorman.

Hold your horses!

Hello, sweetheart.

Vince, I told you
never to show

your jealous puss
around here again.

Well, that's what
I've come to tell you.

I'm not jealous anymore,
twinkle toes.

I'm in group therapy
with a bunch of Italian guys.

You did all that just for me,
stud-muffin?

Stud-muffin?

But you only call me
that when you wanna.. Oh-oh!

Shut up,
and go get the mood music.

'The-the "LP" or the "45?"'

"The LP."

Alright!

Come on, pooch.

We don't wanna stick around
for this.

No. Some things are best left
to the imagination.

Ewweee!

One last time.
Okay, Francesca, speak.

The dog is phenomenal.

I should tell my parents
I found her.

Wave buh-bye,
Francesca.

Phenomenal.

Goodbye, Hanna.

Goodbye, Francesca.

Hey, you can come play with us
if you want to.

- Can I?
- Oh, sure, honey. Have fun.

Let's go.

Oh, they look kinda
look cute together, don't they?

I can't help it, I'm a mother.

She should wear flats.

You know, I am kinda
proud of Brian though.

The way he was able to give up
that dog without any fuss.

Yeah.

What about yours truly?

What about him?

Valiantly risking my life
behind enemy lines

to reunite a girl and her dog
where others had failed before?

Notably you, Wilheim.

We get the point, ALFheim.

Yes, yes.

This time..

...you did manage
to do the right thing.