ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Boy Next Door - full transcript

Mr. Ochmonek's nephew Jake comes to live with the Ochmoneks. The Ochmoneks tell the Tanners that Jake is a problem kid and ask their advice on how to deal with him. ALF can't resist investigating Jake's persona.

[clearing throat]

It's a movie.

Two words.

"The Jerk."

- "The Birds."
- Aah!

- You got it, Bri!
- No fair!

You were giving him
hand signals

to help him guess.

ALF, that's how
you play charades.

Oh. Well, let me try,
let me try.

Alright, uh..

- It's a movie.
- Mm-hm.


Uh, y-you, it's about you.

"The Brother
From Another Planet?"

- "Hair."
- No, no.

You're all wrong.

It's, "The Man
Who Would Be King."

- Oh, please!
- Oh, ALF.

I know,
you're kicking yourselves

because it's so obvious.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

You know, if you weren't always
sending me to the kitchen

I might not eat so much.

ALF, please, please.

No wonder Willie's pants
don't fit me anymore.

- Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
- Hi, guys.

And other residents
of the Tanner manor.

Hi, Trevor, Raquel.

And who might this be?

Uh, this is Jake,
my brother Cyril's kid.

These are the Tanners.

- How do you do?
- Well, hi, Jake.

- Hi.
- Hi, Jake.


Uh, Jake just flew in
from New York.

He'll be staying with us
while his father's away.

- Oh, how long will that be?
- Five years.

Unless he gets time off
for good behavior.

Oh, uh, everybody sit down.

Uh, let me go get
some ice tea.

Oh, please, let me help.

After all, I am a mother now.

That's okay.
I think, I can handle it.

Fine! Hog the limelight.

A-alright, Raquel.

Oh! Uh, give me just a minute.

There's uh..

...a big bug in there
I don't want you to see.


ALF, ALF, you've got to
get out of here.

I know, I know.

There's a big bug in here.

There's no bug.
I just said that to fool Raquel.

You expect her
to fall for that?

- You did.
- Well, I'm naive.

Please, ALF,
you'll have to leave.

I just got here.

Isn't that a rattlesnake
under the sink?


I'm gone.

You can come in, Raquel.


Oh, that bug never
stood a chance.

What do you think of Jake?

Well, I just met him.

He seems, um..


Well, Brian doesn't say much

and you don't see me
making a stink.


Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited.

I have always wanted a child

but Trevor wanted
to go for his masters

in art history.

Now, that I have a child

I'm just nervous,
I'm so nervous.

Oh, well, don't you worry.
Children can be difficult.

But at least
they don't shed in the milk.

My, I haven't heard
that old cliche in years.

Well, if you need any advice,
Raquel, I'm right here.

Well, I do have a few questions.

"Is Jake old enough to date?
Should he get an allowance?"

"When do I send him to bed?"

Well, Brian
is a little bit younger

but I send him to bed at 8:00.

So you think.

His light stays on till 8:30.

And Lynn's doesn't go off until
11:00 or even later.

So I've heard.

So, Jake,
I guess we'll be going

to the same school.

Till I drop out.

You're dropping out?

When I'm sixteen, in one year,
three months and eighteen days.

Aah, geez.

Boy, you're lucky.

I've got eight years
two months and four days.

Oh, is Jake helping Brian
with his math?

Not exactly.

Willie, can we talk in private?

Sure, we can go
in to the laundry room?

No! Uh..

There's laundry in there.

Well, the bedroom, then no one
can hear us in there.

Raquel can.

Hold still, Lucky.

I'll be off your back
in a minute.

[Lucky yowls]


The only good cat
is a stir-fried cat.


'Ow! Right in the navel.'

I-I'm sorry, Trevor.

You-you can't come in
just at the moment.

- ALF, hide. Get out.
- I'm not even in yet.

Trevor's waiting right outside.

First, promise me you'll build
me a room of my own.

Hide now..

...or else..

Wasn't that
a Chuck Norris film?


[Lucky yowls]

[Lucky yowling]

Why'd you slam
the door on me?

- Well, I, uh...
- Now, don't tell me.

Someone didn't make
his bed this morning?

Caught in the act.

Uh, Trevor,
what did you, uh

what did you want
to talk about?


I don't know,
what I'm gonna do with that kid.

H-he talks back, he disobeys.

And I think he stole
a bag of peat moss

from our living room.

Why would you have
a bag of peat moss

in your living room?

To keep people
from stealing it.

Well, obviously.

Uh, don't you think

you should have
a talk with Jake?

Look, Willie,
I gotta be honest.

I'm no good with kids.

All I ever raised was tomatoes.

And without my peat moss,
I can't even do that.

Well, do you want me
to try to talk to him?

Would you?

Maybe you can get
a handle on him.

He's a smart kid.

After all, he's an Ochmonek.

Say no more.

I just want Jake
to turn out okay.

He will.

I'm sure, he will
as long as he gets the love

and the guidance
that he needs.

Aw, that's pretty.

I, I just don't want Jake
to wind up in jail

like his father.

Or his brother.
Or his cousin Victor.

So, Jake, I see,
you've made a little friend.

Little friend?
She's a beanpole.

You should see me
in heels, shrimpo.

- Well, you guys having fun?
- Are you kiddin'?

Your daughter's gonna put on
heels for me in a minute.

Uh, Trevor, I think
we should be going now.

Yeah, we've about exhausted
the idle chit chat.

Well, Jake, uh,
why don't you come back

over tonight after supper.

You can have
some cake with us.

Just have Stretch
bring it over.

You wanna pop
out of it for me?

You wanna live long enough
to drop out of school?

- Let's go.
- Yes, goodbye, everybody.

- So long, Jake.
- Sure, peewee.

Who you calling peewee?

- You.
- Just asking.

Come on.

See you, Willie.


Don't ever change.

Well, that Jake really
grows on you, doesn't he?

Not on me.

Don't you think
he's a little rude?


Not particularly.

[instrumental music]

'Cake! Cake! Cake!'

Cake! Cake! Cake!

Cake! Cake! Cake!

- Cake!
- We're saving it for Jake.


He's not coming.
Let's eat.

He'll be here, ALF.

- He'll be here.
- Are you kidding?

The kid's probably going up
the river as we speak.

They'll put him in solitary.

Feed him bread and water.

Topped by a delicious
piece of chocolate..


Look, Jake may have
some problems

but he's not going to be
sent to prison.

Yeah? Tell that to my cousin.

Pretty boy Shumway.

He grew up on
the south side of Melmac.

The baddest part of the planet.

If he didn't like your shoes..

[imitating gunfire]

You mean, he'd shoot a person

just because
he didn't like his shoes?

No, he'd just point
at them and go


Mr. Ochmonek just called,
he said Jake won't come over.

Well, I didn't hear the phone.

Oh, oh, he just hollered
through my window.

Alright! Let's eat.

Would you like some cake?


[instrumental music]

[doorknob rattles]


[Lucky mewing]

[ALF humming]

♪ Billie Jean is not my lover ♪

♪ She's just a girl ♪

♪ Who says
that I am the one yeah ♪

♪ But the kid is not my son ♪♪

Ooh! Yeah.

[ALF humming]


Come in, Scotland!

Come in, Scotland!

Is this Scotland?


(male #1)
'Aye, it is.'

Hey, Scotty, beam me up!


Oh, I kill me!

'Oh, hi, Alf.
Good to hear you, lad!'

How'd you know it was me?

'Because you always start
with the same corny joke.'

'Listen, I've just learned
a new Madonna song.

'"Papa don't Preach!"'

[off-key bagpipe music]

Um, uh, Scotty,
uh, let me adjust

the volume
just a little bit, okay?

If I lose you, we'll talk
in a few days! Okay, bye!


Well, I'm hungry.

Maybe I'll call Turkey.



Drop that telescope!


On second thought...don't.

Get away from me.
Just stay away from me.

Wait! You can't leave.

They'll think
I broke the telescope.

Okay. Okay, I'll fix it.

Just don't bite me.

Bite ya?

That's a good idea.

I'll bite you
if you don't fix this.


Just don't tell my aunt
and uncle I was takin' it.

On one condition.

You fix this telescope

and you don't tell
anyone about me.

That's two conditions.


You've-you've got a deal.

What are ya, anyway?

I'm an alien.
From the planet Melmac.

I have powers
you can only dream of.

Like what?

I could watch ten hours of TV

without ever getting up
to go to the bathroom.

You are the weirdest thing
I've ever seen.

You ought to see me
with my hair wet.

Do the Tanners know about ya?

Yeah, they know all about me.


They don't know
that I've had liposuction.

Where'd you learn how to fix
telescopes like that?


No, m-my dad taught me.

We used to find
things in the trash

and then fix 'em.

My dad could fix anything.

Especially horse races.

Wild guess.

That's why he's in jail?



Well, uh.. I'm done.

Wow! Well, you're good!

And fast!

Uh, it's no big deal.

No big deal?

On Melmac we only had one guy

who knew how to fix things.

They put him
on display in a zoo.

But the door
to the cage was broken

so he walked away.

Uh, good story.

- Is it okay if I go now?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but remember our deal!

You can't tell anyone about me.

Hey, don't worry.
I live by the Ochmonek code.

We don't squeal..

...or tip.

Name's ALF.


- Bye.
- Bye.


I still got it.

[instrumental music]

And Magic runs down!

Oh, man!

Takes one!

And a three, two, one!

Jake, what are you doing?

That's my Aunt Ruth!

Don't worry, I poured her
into the Dixie cup over there.


Uh, Auntie Raquel,
you should get to the bedroom.

I heard Uncle Trevor singing
"That's Amore."

That's strange.

He usually
just sets the egg timer.

Trevor! Trevor, wait for me!

What are you doin' here?

I brought over few things
for you to fix.

Here's a tape recorder.
It's got fur stuck in it.

I don't know
how that happened.

What happened to this?

I tried to puree a rock.

It didn't work.


'Are you talking to someone?'

No, it's just the TV!

Uh, uh, Welcome
to "Monday Night Football!"

ALF! It's Saturday!

Uh, uh.. Live from New York!

- It's "Saturday..."
- Uh, I'm shuttin' it off!


So, uh..
Can you fix all this stuff?

Hey, my motto is if
I can't fix it, it ain't broken.

My motto is..

...I broke it.

My dad's motto is
"I broke into it."

Ha! Ha! Hey, hey!

You're pretty funny
for a delinquent.

Ah! I love this male bonding.

What do you say we go out back
and throw a cat on the Barbie?

Just a thought.

[instrumental music]


Do you think
these boots would look good

with my blue jump suit?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

I was planning to wear
that jumpsuit on my birthday.

Is it that time of year already?

♪ Lynn wants boots
for her birthday ♪

♪ Lynn wants boots
for her birthday! ♪♪

Alf, I was trying
to be discreet.


Say, Willie, wouldn't a pizza
look good on my tongue

right about now?

[knock on door]

- Go!
- You can't tell me what to do.

Order your pizza.

Yes, sir!

'Hey, Tanner, let me in,
would you? I-I lost my key!'

- I'll get it!
- He has a key?

- Hi, Lynn.
- Hi.

Willie, is this
your tape recorder?

Well, gee, I'm not sure.

(Alf on tape recorder)
'I'm tellin' you,
my sister's so fat'

'she gets her legs waxed
at the car wash!'

'Ha! Ha!'

- He-he-he.
- Yes, uh, that's ours.

Who's the comedian?

You ever heard of..

...Jay Leno?


It's Jay Leno.

I found this in Jake's room.

I told you the kid
was a crook.

- I was fixin' it!
- He's a liar, too.

Your father
would be so ashamed.

It's a good thing
he's in jail.

Psst. Psst.

Jake, uh,
I don't know what to say.

- Pssst!
- W-w..

W-whatever made
you do such a thing?



Could you excuse me,
just for a moment?

Hey! I invented a new sport.

Biscuit ball.

What do you want?

You're wrong about Jake.

He's a good kid.

He stole our tape recorder.

He was fixing it.

He can fix anything.

How do you know
so much about Jake?

Has he seen you?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

But he won't
tell anyone, Willie.

Besides, he's a hoodlum.
Who'd believe him?

Well, Trevor, for one!

No. Jake won't tell Trevor.

I physically intimidated him.




Don't do that. Don't!

Oh, stop it.

What do you mean,
he can fix anything?

- Look at the coffee maker.
- The..


Well, what happened
to the Jell-O?

Jake cleaned it all out!

So much for
my "Mr. Jell-O" machine.

You stay here.


Uh, Jake.

Uh, looks like
I owe you an apology.


That biscuit
cause brain damage?


It seems that he really was
fixing the tape recorder.

I just found out from...

- Mom.
- Right.

Bet you feel like
a real jerk, huh?


Hey, listen, kid,
I'm real sorry.

Is Aunty Raquel still gonna
send me to bed without supper?

Ha. Of course not.


You know, Trevor,
it seems this young man

is a little Mr. Fix-It.

Little Mr. Fix-It.

How cute.

You want me, don't ya?

You know, you oughta get him
some tools of his own.

He could fix things
around your house.

Yeah. You think you could fix
our Christmas lights?

They stopped blinkin' in June.

Oh, sure.

I could even fix
your outdoor PA system.

Oh, please don't.

Hey, Willie, can we borrow
some of your tools?

Sure, they're in your garage.

Oh, yeah.
Come on, Jake. Let's go.

- Goodbye, everybody.
- Bye.

Oh, and tell Jay Leno
I said "Hi."

Everybody knows
this Jay Leno, except me.

What a strange family.

[ALF snarling]

Which one?

- Now what do you want?
- Nothing.

I was just doing the
Heimlich maneuver on myself.


[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Where's the..


That piece doesn't fit there.

Yes, it does.


Now Mickey's eye
is in his nose.

Now he can see
what he's smelling!

Mr. Ochmonek
found his peat moss.

It was in his dining room
behind a bag of rock salt.

Hm. Did Jake fix
your hair dryer?

Yeah, Mr. Ochmonek's
got him busy fixing everything.

(Trevor on PA)
'Testing, testing!'


'Is this thing on?'

[instrumental music]

[theme music]