ALF (1986–1990): Season 2, Episode 11 - Hail to the Chief - full transcript

ALF is frustrated because he can't vote in the presidential election. He watches a televised debate with Kate and offers his "better" ideas on how to solve the world's problems. This gives Kate some weird nightmares.

Interesting concept,
the pencil.

Where did it come from?

Well, I've-I've heard a number
of theories on that.

How about the shortest one?

The stationery store.

Thank you.

Say, that's a voter
registration application.

Boy, can't put one over on you.

You can't vote, ALF.
You're not a citizen.

I'll apply for a green card.

That's only if you want a job.


I know, I'll marry Lynn.

Become a citizen, vote,
then drop her like a hot potato!

Sure, it'll be hard on her
at first.

She'll cry,
drink a little too much

take up with a bongo player
named Joaquin.

- ALF..
- You'll like Joaquin.

He doesn't eat beets.

Neither you nor Joaquin
may marry my daughter.

And you may not vote.

Oh, great! I have no voice
in government.

Joaquin will get deported
and they'll make him eat beets!

How many cups of coffee
did you drink today?

Forty, why?

Guess what we're doing tonight?

Stuffing ourselves, until we see
blue dots in front of our eyes?

No, we're watching
the presidential debate on TV.

- We are?
- Not me.

Oh, Lynn, you're gonna be voting
in this election.

It's important to know
what the issues are.

Yeah, Lynn.
Listen to your mother.

Why? You don't.

She's not my mother.

Mom, I'm supposed to go down
to the mall with Julie.

Lizard got a job at the new
Weiner-on-a-stick place.

They're gonna make fun
of his hair net.

Brian, stop listening in
on my phone calls.

I didn't. ALF did.

See, you owe Brian an apology.

Now, stop trying
to change the subject.

You should stay home
and watch the debate.

Since when have you been
interested in politics?

Are you kidding?

Back on Melmac,
I was a registered democat.


Yeah, we were a political party

and a doo-wop group.

- Hi.
- Hi, dad.

- Hi, dad.
- Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I wish you would have called.

I did call!

Oh, yeah. Willie called,
said he'd be a little late.

Thank you.

ALF, why don't you ever
write down my messages?

They're hardly quotable.

Well, y'all have a pleasant
evening in here.


Oh, yeah, the grand opening.

How did you know about that?

Well, that's where I ate.

You ate dinner?

Oh, yeah. Uh, don't worry
about fixing dinner for Willie.

He'll get something at the mall.

Thank you, again.

Why did he stop off
at the mall?

He didn't say.

To buy shoes.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Hey, the debate's starting.

Good evening. Tonight,
the candidates face the issues

and me. I'm John McLaughlin.

On my right, Gill Hossenfeffer,
senator from Wyoming.

On my left, Nathan Peal

congressman from Oregon.
Let's go.

Hey, I can see Hossenfeffer's
pale white shins.

I never realized how unappealing
the human leg can be.

Could we hold
the discussion, please?

What's to discuss? The guy's
legs look like toothpaste.

Issue. Federal budget.
How would you balance it?

Your answer, senator.

Well, we must first consider
the ramifications

of any measures taken
to restrict spending

without disregarding
the impact of any plan

to increase revenues.

Well, if that isn't a pile
of smoked lunch meat.

- ALF!
- Come on!

If you wanna balance a budget

you just spend less money
than you make.

Yikes! Talk about
toothpaste legs.


Turn that back up,
I wanna hear this lunch meat.

Next question,
you're in the Oval Office.

The red phone rings.

Soviet missiles
are heading towards

1600, Pennsylvania Avenue.
Do you push the button?

'Can I vote for the acerbic guy
in the middle?'

Oh, well, in answer
to your question

uh, as Joe Biden once said

"We have nothing to fear
but fear itself."

And by arming ourselves
against the impossible

we are preventing
the unthinkable

from becoming the inevitable.

Preventing war is easy.

Just tell the people
who are mad at each other

to kiss and make up.

Do you expect
Reagan and Gorbachev to kiss?

Not on the lips.

ALF, international politics
is very complex.

The Soviets want peace
and so do we.

But we are separated by history,
ideology, economic philosophy.

You sound just like
those windbags.

Oh. No, I don't.

The Soviets want peace
and so do we.

'But we're separated
by history'

ideology, economic philosophy.


Kate, maybe you should
become President.

Are you decent?

Would it matter?

Not to me.

Where's Kate?

- Oh, there you are.
- Mm.

You know with that light
behind you

I could see your silhouette.

'You look..'

- ALF!
- What?

I was gonna say
you look like an angel.

Thank you.

A naked angel.

What do you want?

I keep thinking
about the debate.

I noticed those politicians
never give simple answers.

Well, that's because the issues
are so complicated.

Well, I think the voters
would like answers

they could understand.

Oh, like your answer
to unemployment.

Hire the jobless
to give you piggy-back rides.

Hey, if I can
restore a man's dignity

by climbing on his back,
I say go for it.

ALF, you-you can't understand
our democratic process

because you're not looking
at-at the big picture.

You mean, the big picture
over the piano?

No. By big picture, I mean...

Because I can look at that
if I stand on the piano.

"Big picture" means..

- It's alright, Willie.
- It's a figure of speech.

No, no, no, if ALF wants to look
at the big picture

over the piano, let him.
I am going to go to bed.

Thank you, Kate.

Just don't get any fur
between the keys.

Alright, but don't
lock your door.

I may have some more
political questions for you.

He took the key.

At least Mr. Ed
stayed in the barn at night.

Ms. Tanner, our environment
is becoming endangered

much like the liberal.
What would you do about it?

Saving the liberal.

I'm referring to pollution. environmental plan

includes tax incentives
to the industrial sector

to encourage
factory modernization

as well as legislation...

Ah, lunch meat!


Candidate ALF.

Your solution to pollution?

My solution to pollution
will help your constitution.

So send a contribution,
and start the revolution.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Could we please
get serious here?

Quiet! Rap Master ALF
is on a roll.

Thanks, man.

- Weiner-on-a-stick?
- My pleasure.

Your answer?

To get rid of pollution

just tie big balloons
on all the smokestacks

to catch the dirty air.

Wait a minute.

And what would you do
when the balloons were full?

I'd rub them on a big sweater

and stick them to the ceiling
of the White House.

Finally, a candidate
as intelligent as myself.

How can you say that?

His solution is impractical
and ludicrous.

Sour grapes, Ms. Tanner.

You lose.
I'm voting for the ALFer.



- ALF.
- That's my name.

Ask me again,
and I'll tell you the same.

- ALF?
- That's my name.

Ask me again,
and I'll tell you the same.

What are you doing in here?

I got tired of looking
at the big picture.

Oh, hey, look!
Willie's shins glow in the dark.

Was there something
you wanted?

- Meat.
- Meat?

And cheese..

...between numerous
slices of bread.

Go. Eat meat.

Well, first,
I wanna know something.

Why didn't that moderator
ask the important questions?

Like what?

Well, like are you gonna be
a good President

or a bad President?

What kind of question is that?

Well, if he says
a bad President

I'm not gonna vote for him.

You're right, ALF.

Your questions
make a lot of sense.

You should have been
the moderator.

- Now, goodnight.
- Goodnight.

If you need me,
I'll be at the refrigerator.

We won't need you.

I'll still be
at the refrigerator.

Excellent answer,
Senator Hossenfeffer.

No wonder you're so far ahead
in the polls.

Well, thanks. I'll see you
at the inaugural ball.

And now, representing
the wrong point of view

your opponent.

Welcome, Ms. Tanner.

If that is your real name.

It is.

Katherine Daphne
Halligan Tanner.

Question one.

Where'd you get a name
like Daphne?

Could we please talk
about the issues?

Question two. Unemployment.

If you're elected,
will my brother find a job?

Under my fiscal policy, I think
he stands a very good chance.

Ha, ha, ha!

Shows what you know, Daphne.

I don't even have a brother.

How often do you make promises
you can't keep?


But you just did.

- You're a liar.
- Oh.

Liar liar, pants on fire!

Would you vote for a liar?


You may step down.

I'm not on trial.

Keep lying, you will be.

I'm not lying.

I'm not lying! I'm..

I'm not lying.

I'm not lying.

You're certainly
not standing up.

What are you doing?

Trying on cheap jewelry.

- And you?
- Ugh!

Having a nightmare.

Was it the one I always have
about being at work

and suddenly realizing
I'm not wearing any pants?

Then remembering

I don't work,
and I never wear pants.


It was the one..

...where I was
in a presidential debate.

You were the moderator

and you were asking
stupid questions.

Was I wearing pants?

Stupid questions like that.



Go back to sleep, Willie.

This doesn't concern you.


I have another
stupid question, Kate.

Why do all those
candidates look alike?

That's not a stupid question.


No, it's okay.

I think one reason all
the candidates look alike

is that they have
image consultants.

People who advise the can..

- Why am I telling you this?
- I don't know.

I thought you were trying
to lull me to sleep.

Get out of here.

Boy, you're pretty cranky
at 3:14 A.M.

I hope you're
more sociable at 5:28.


What did you think
of my debate?

Oh, you were great, honey.

Yeah, mom, you were terrific.

- Neat.
- Really?

Hey, tell her the truth.
I saw the debate. You stunk.

P.U. Odor City.
Vomiting crackers.

You shouldn't be president.

You should be foreman
at the Skunk Works.

Thank you for your
constructive criticism.

We still love you, mom.

Uh, love shmuv. You need help.

My card.

"Gordon Shumway,
image consultant."

The ink's still wet.

I just got in to the biz.

I didn't know
images needed consulting

till I got a whiff
of Kate. Phew!

That's very flattering.

First, we need to lose
two inches off that skirt.

- We'll pin it up later.
- Alright.

Now the name, Kate Tanner.

It just doesn't say "Power."

It says "Wipe your feet,
I just mopped."

I don't need
an image consultant.

Sure you do.
Ask Geraldine Ferrari.


See, she didn't have
an image consultant

now people think she's a car.

Alright. What name
would you suggest?

Let's see, uh, Whoopi Tanner.

No. No, uh...Indira Tanner.

No, I got it.

Mary Tyler Tanner.

Hey, no, no.
I've got a better one.

Come with me.

Come on. You're gonna love this.

Now representing,
the new and improved party

Ms. Sigourney Tanner.

That's more like it.
That's more like it.

That's more like it.

That's more like it.

'That's more like it.'

Yeah, that's more like it.


Not you again.

Would you be happier
if I was a burglar?

At this point, yes.

Okay. Give me your purse.

Why are you wearing
Willie's robe?

Oh, I decided
I want to be President.

What do you think of this look
for my fireside chats?

I'll be in the kitchen
making bumper stickers.

♪ President president
bo-bresident ♪

♪ Banana-fana fo-fresident ♪

♪ Fee fi mo-mesident ♪

♪ I'm the President ♪♪

Yeah. Ha, ha!

Eeney, meeney



'Yes, Mr. President?'

Send a memo to Gabon.

Ask if they need foreign aid

or if they want Sally Struthers
to adopt some of their kids.

'Oh, right away, sir.'

'Oh, and there's a Kate Tanner
here to see you.'

That's my Kateleh.
Send her in.

Kate, long time no see.

Hello, Mr. President.

Oh, I hope you're not too upset

that I beat you a hundred
and fifty million to one!

By the way, that was kind of
tacky, voting for yourself.

Well, I was mad at you! You kept
waking me up all night.

You know, I thought the election
would be a lot closer.

Especially after they accused me
of eating Donna Rice's cat!

So, what do you think
of the office?

It's oval.


I popped it over
the eternal flame.

Why did you call me here?

Because I want you
in my cabinet.

Right between the Bengay
and the dental floss.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

I'm glad to see you haven't lost

your boyish sense of humor,
Mr. President.

Hey, why else would
I have appointed Judge Reinhold

to the Supreme Court?

ALF, the President
has a lot of serious problems.. deal with.

For example, what do you plan
to do about the homeless?

- It's done.
- What's done?

I had houses built
for each of them.

Right. And what are you doing
about unemployment?

There is none.
Everybody's building houses.

And I suppose people aren't
fighting wars anymore?

Who's got time to fight?

They're all picking out
wallpaper for their new homes.

ALF, I don't think
the country's problems

can be solved that easily.

Sure they can. Look outside.

Everybody's dancing
in the streets.

There was plenty of room
after we swept up

the dead stock brokers.

Looks like the old ALFer
came through, huh?

Well, I have to say,
I'm impressed.

You've solved 200 years worth
of problems in one week.

Actually, I took
the weekend off.

I went to Camp David.

See this neat wallet I made?

Very nice.

'Sir, the Ayatollah
returned your call.'

'He's sorry
about mining the gulf'

'and he'd love to be the
White House Santa this year.'

Thanks, Fawn.

Well, I guess
you are a good president.

Don't worry,
it's the black phone.

President here.


Yeah. Yeah, no problem!

Yeah, thank you!

Excuse me, Kate.
I'm off to South Dakota.

I've got a rendezvous
with history.

What do you think, Kate?
Huh? Huh?

I think you look silly
next to Abe Lincoln.

And I think Valerie should
have stayed with her family.

But hey, it's her career.


What do you want now?

I finally figured out

why your political system
is so complicated.

That's just the way
your world works.

I guess things were simpler
on Melmac, huh?

Yeah. If we didn't understand
something, we broke it.

It's too bad life here
isn't that way.

It would be nice to have people
dancing in the streets.

- Huh?
- ALF..

Alf, I dreamt
you were president.

And you were right
about everything.

Every problem
had a simple answer.

Sound nice.

Yeah. It was.

Goodnight, Kate.

Goodnight, ALF.

- Mom, have you seen my other...
- Shh!


Uh, Lynn?

Can you get me out of here?