ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 24 - Weird Science - full transcript

When the living room TV breaks down, Willie declares that he won't have it fixed, despite ALF's complaints that he has nothing to do but watch TV. ALF keeps pressuring Willie, who discovers that the TV is still under warranty and he can have it sent to the factory for repairs. Except that the factory is in Libya and Willie would have to pay for shipping... ALF thinks Willie has been conned, so he calls Consumer Ed, the guy who fights for consumers' rights on TV... Brian announces that he needs to come up with a project for the Science Carnival. On his own, Brian creates a model of the Solar System. ALF points out that there are inaccuracies and offers to help.

Kate. Kate, I got home
as fast as I could.

- What's the emergency?
- What?

I had this message at the office
telling me to get home as fast as I could.

Why, I didn't leave any message.

- You?
- I didn't say rush home.

I told them to ask you
to get home as soon as possible.

You said it was an emergency?

Yeah. The TV set is broken.


It's got audio but no video.
My guess is the picture tube is shot.

You got me into a panic
to tell me that?

Sorry, but I began to panic
when I missed Gumby.

Well, you're gonna miss
a lot more than Gumby, buster...

because that TV set stays broken.

What? Willie, I'm a shut-in.
TV is my lifeline.

I just pulled the plug on it.

Apparently, it was a mistake
to call you.

I think we watch too much TV
in this house anyway.

I think this would be a good chance
to talk, to read...

- to catch up on some chores...
- Super.

Welcome to
Little House on the Prairie.

ALF, don't you have something
else to do besides stare at me?



Why do you wash dishes before putting
them into the dishwasher?

I'm not washing them.
I'm rinsing them.

Doesn't the machine have
a rinse cycle?

Yes. It's after the wash cycle.

You wanna run that by me again?

I guess we're all a little testy
without the TV.

Yo, Lynn.
Need some help with the homework?

Thanks, but it's American history.

- Pre Civil War?
- Yep.

Not my area.

- Catching up on your reading, I see.
- Yes.

- Isn't it refreshing having no TV?
- Yeah, invigorating.

I assume you have no plans
to get it repaired.

- No immediate plans.
- Fine.

I'll leave it tuned to Oral Roberts.
Maybe it'll heal itself.

Dad, I need some help. I have to make
a project for a science carnival.

- Is that anything like a science fair?
- Yeah, only this has clowns.

- Well, what's the problem, Brian?
- I don't know what to make.

No problem. On Melmac,
I was known as Mr. Science.

Oh, why can't Mr. Science fix
his own spaceship then?

Because Mr. Science isn't good
with tools.

That's why I dropped out
of dental school.

You went to dental school?

Yeah, it was the easiest thing I could
think of. We only have four teeth.

What could we make, ALF?

Well, an electric sandwich caddy.

A machine that brings you
your sandwich.

No, a sandwich that hands
you your golf clubs.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

Better than a rain gauge.

How do you know about
the rain gauge? Lynn?

I'm sorry, Dad.
He found it in my closet.

Nifty piece of work too.

I tried it out last month...

and we apparently experienced
16 feet of rain.

There's no need for you
to insult my rain gauge.

Meteorology happens to be
a very fascinating branch of science.

So is taxidermy.

Which brings me
to my next suggestion.

Let's stuff Lucky.

Let's not.

I'll think I'll work on my science project
alone. Thanks anyway.

Now, you see? You see what happens
when you're a butt in sky?

Well, perhaps if the TV were working,
I wouldn't be a butt in sky.

I doubt that.

Nice try though.

Mind if I read over your shoulder?

TV still on the fritz, I see.

It's still broken,
if that's what you mean.

Here's a petition
signed by every member of this family.

It states that by hurting me,
you are hurting others...

and ultimately, hurting yourself.

ALF, you signed all these names.

Yes. By proxy.

That's your copy anyway.

The original is notarized
and on the way to my attorney.

Formerly your attorney.

Oh, ALF, I already said you could use
the portable TV in the bedroom.

It's too small. It makes everyone
look like Danny DeVito.

Well, for your information,
I'm sending the TV back to the factory.

The factory?
Why don't you just call a repairman?

Because it's still under warranty.

Well, how long is it gonna take?
Where's the factory?

The factory is in... Libya.

Libya? Is that near Bakersfield?

It's closer to Egypt.

Apparently, the guarantee is void...

unless the work is performed
at Moammar Electronics.

And I have to pay the shipping cost.

Well, honey,
what kind of guarantee is that?

I'd say a bad one.

All right, I didn't read the fine print,
all right?

This looks like a job for...

Consumer Ed.

Consumer Ed?

Yeah, the guy on the news
who fights for people being ripped off.

Last week he helped a woman
in Oxnard sue a soup company...

after she found a mouse head
in her minestrone.


The company said
it was a garbanzo bean.

ALF, please.

Turned out to be a finger.

- Excuse me.
- What's wrong?

Consumer Ed got the lady
a year's supply of free minestrone.


- I'll give the guy a call.
- Just stay out of this.

Come on, Brian. Show them.

Look at Brian's science project.
It's really good.

And I made it without any help.

Hey, nice job.

What is it? Street lights?

I thought they called you Mr. Science.

It's a molecule.

It's the solar system.

It's the solar system.

- Whose solar system?
- Ours.

You forgot the two planets
next to Pluto.

Let me guess. Mickey and Donald.

Oh, sure, turn it into a travesty.

Their names are Dave and Alvin.

- Really?
- No, Brian, ALF's only kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I almost hit Alvin
on my approach to Earth.

It's a sharp turn.

Where would they be on here?

Brian, they're not on here. They're not
anywhere. ALF, tell him the truth.

The truth is, Brian,
they're right over here.

ALF, I think if there were two planets
named Dave and Alvin...

I would have read about them.

You could've missed it.

After all, you let that
Moammar Electronics thing slip by.

- Dad, can I add Alvin and Dave?
- No, I don't think that's a good idea.

But if you don't add them,
you're perpetuating lies.

I mean, what if Galileo had listened
when they told him...

he couldn't sail around the world?

Galileo didn't sail around the world.

Oh, like you were there.

ALF, if Brian adds those planets,
they'll laugh him right out of school.

Nobody will believe him.

Even if it is true.

Even if it is true?

That does it. I quit.

- You quit what?
- I don't know yet.

But when I do,
just try to talk me out of it.

Brian, your project's very good.
Very, very good, just like it is. Okay?

I hope so.

Hello? Yeah, Bob's Smoke Shop?

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?


Well, can you tell me who does?

Uh-huh. I see. Yeah, thanks.

This isn't as much fun as I heard.

- Hey, B, how was school today?
- I failed my science project.

You should've added Alvin and Dave,
like I said.

- I did.
- And you still failed?

That's why I failed.

I added them because I believed you,
but all my friends laughed at me.

They did?

Now my teacher won't even let
my project be in the science carnival.

It's all your fault.

My fault?

You lied to me. There really aren't
11 planets, are there?

Yes, there are.

Brian, your teacher's the one
who needs an education.

Now I'm mad. I'm mad, I'm mad.

Hello, information?
Get me Brian's teacher.

Oh, wait a minute. No, get me
the Franklin Elementary School.

Yes, I know it's cheaper
to use a directory...

but I don't have any thumbs.

Well, you should be sorry.

Where is everybody?

Oh, they've gone to the movies.

- Well, why didn't you go?
- I'm fixing the TV.



I'm going out a little later...

and I decided it's dangerous
to leave you alone with nothing to do.

Are you referring to that chemical spill?

Chemical spill?

What chemical spill?


Hey, Willie, how about
a game of Trivial Pursuit?

I promise not to pick
any science questions.

No, thanks.

I think you should leave this
for a qualified repairman.

- Well, Mr. Smarty...
- It's Mister Science.

For your information,
I've located the problem.

There's no power...

going into
the high-voltage transformer.

- Hey, you want power?
- That would help.

Your call.

Willie, it was an accident.

An accident?

An accident?

You almost killed me,
and you say it was an accident?

All right, let's call it a mistake.

You wanna get that?
It's probably Consumer Ed.

You called Consumer Ed
after I asked you not to?

You didn't say not to.

You said, "Stay out of this."
You should have been more specific.

I hope it is Consumer Ed.

Because I'm turning you over to him.

Won't that be a great story
for the 6:00 news?

I think I left the oven on.


- Mister Tanner?
- Yeah?

I'm Mrs. Lyman, Brian's principal.

Oh, hi, hi. Come in, won't you?
Please, come in.

- Am I interrupting something?
- No, no.

Well, I'm sorry to drop in
on you like this...

but your house
is on my way home...

and I did wanna clear up
that little misunderstanding...

between you and Ms. Larva.

- Ms. Larva?
- Brian's teacher.

Oh, Ms. Larva.

You called her this afternoon.

No, I'm sorry, I didn't call
Ms. Larva this afternoon, no.

- Is Mrs. Tanner home?
- No, no, I'm alone here.

Gee, that's odd.

I thought I heard you yelling at someone
just before I rang the doorbell.

Oh, that was probably the TV.

I don't mean actually the TV.

I was yelling at the TV
because it's broken.

I always yell at the TV
when it's broken.

We could talk some other time.
Maybe with a social worker.

No, no, no, please, no.
Come in, won't you? Sit down.

Please, let's talk.

This is about my phone call, isn't it?
Sit, sit.

I remember now.
Of course, I remember.

What did I say?

You don't remember?

I don't. Forgive me, please forgive me.
My head just exploded.

I mean, the TV exploded
and it was on my head.

Well, you threatened
to remove Brian from school.

You questioned
the credentials of his teacher...

and you refused to ask him to remove
the two extra planets from his project.

The two extra planets?


On one of which you
"stopped to use the restroom."

Could you excuse me,
just for a moment?

Oh, certainly.

What do you think?

I'll get...

I'll get right to the point.

You told Brian to add those
two planets to his model, didn't you?

- No, I didn't. He did it on his own.
- Didn't you?

Well, I'll admit
I was indirectly involved.

It was wrong of you to be involved
at all.

But I took care of it.

I called his teacher
and set her straight.

So I heard.
Now the principal is here...

and it's all because of these
ridiculous stories of yours.

Ridiculous? You're gonna feel
a little silly when I tell you this...

but I called
the Mount Palomar Observatory today...

and they have no knowledge
of the planet, Alvin.

How surprising.

They do, however, know of Dave...

only they call him Chiron.

Object Kowal.

Willie? Willie, snap out of it.

No, ALF, ALF. In the late "70s...

an object was spotted in space,
originally called "Object Kowal."

It was later named "Chiron."

And astronomers thought
that could be a 10th planet...

just somewhere just beyond Pluto.

I'll show you exactly where.

What's this?

Rand McNally, Guide to the Stars.

I keep it in my glove compartment.

This, this is incredible.

You have a guide to the galaxy.

Well, it's three years old.

A few of the stars have exploded.

Now, let's see, Dave.

Dave, G6.

"Mileage between cities,
Melmac, San Francisco."

- Oh, here it is. Dave. Right here.
- Dave.

And there's Alvin.

What's that little one?

Alvin Heights.

You weren't making this up.

I owe you an apology.

I'm waiting.

So is Mrs. Lyman.

- Oh, say, could I get you anything?
- No, I'm fine.

Oh, wax lips.

- I have two questions for you.
- Yeah?

First, can I have my lips back?

And second, you gonna tell her
the truth about the planets?

I don't think I can.

Why not? Show her the map.

Oh, good idea.

And when she asks us where we got it,
then where will we be?

All right, all right,
so you can't show her the map.

But just because you don't have
any proof, that ends it?

I mean, what's with this planet?

Here's a chance
to open people's minds.

Where are the freethinkers?
The dreamers?

I don't know,
but apparently, not in Brian's school.

I'm afraid I'm just gonna
have to go out there...

and tell her
this has all been a big mistake.

In other words, you're gonna lie.

- Is everything all right?
- Yes.

Yes, I'm sorry to have
kept you waiting so long.

Mrs. Lyman, this whole thing has been
a terrible misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry that this all happened.

So am I.

We've never had any problems
with Brian before.

It's just that this sort of thing upsets
Ms. Larva very much.

Mrs. Lyman, what if we just displayed
the project as it is?

Mr. Tanner, we can't display
a solar system...

with two planets named
Dave and Alvin.

It would make a circus
out of our carnival.

Well, we wouldn't wanna
disgrace the clowns.

Look, I'm sure Ms. Larva would be
willing to meet you halfway.

If Brian removed the extra planets...

she would let him compete
with his classmates...

and there'd be no harm done.

Yes. Yes, there would be.
I can't ask him to do that.

Then I can't ask my teacher
to change her policy.

- Oh, sure you could.
- All right, I could. But I won't.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Lyman,
you're an educator.

Surely there's room in our system
for freethinking.

I mean, where would science be
if there weren't dreamers?

Would the Wright Brothers
have flown?

Would Galileo have sailed
around the world?


Oh, never mind.

- Mr. William Tanner?
- Yes?

Consumer Ed Boganski.
Nice to meet you.

Let's start with a shot of the room.

- No. Wait just a minute.
- Look at that set.

- Wait, wait. Wait, wait!
- Oh, it's awful.

- We'll take care of it.
- No.

Hello, I'm at the home
of Mr. William Tanner...

who, in a desperate attempt
to fight City Hall...

has summoned me,
Consumer Ed, to be in his corner.

Stop! Stop!

Take it easy.
This will only take a minute.

There was no need to involve
the media in this dispute.

Dispute? Ma'am, why don't you
give us your side of the question?

- No, please, let's...
- There's really nothing to talk about.

Willie, what's going on?

Oh, nothing.
They were just leaving.

- Is this your family?
- That's Consumer Ed.

Could we just stop for a minute?

You shouldn't have called me if you
didn't wanna talk about your television.

This is not about the TV, Mr. Ed,
this is about the extra planets.

What extra planets?

The two his son claims
exist beyond Pluto.

They do exist.

I mean, who's to say they don't?

Is that your son?

- No.
- Dad!

I mean, yes, of course, this is.

Sid, get a shot of the kid here.

Are you putting this on TV?

- No, Brian.
- This is great human-interest stuff.

- Please continue, Mr. Tanner.
- Oh, he has nothing to say.

Yes, I do.

My son, Brian, entered a project
in the school science carnival.

- Is that like a science fair?
- Well, this has clowns.

But the school wouldn't allow
the project to be displayed without...

Without proper credit
to the imagination of Brian Tanner.

Excuse me?

I'm Brian's principal
and I wanna say...

that this is what our science
carnival is all about, freethinking.

- T is?
- It is now.

Not to display Brian's project
would be close-minded.

Does this mean
I can enter my project?


We encourage open-mindedness
in all of our students.

After all, where would science be
today if it weren't for freethinking?

For the dreamers?

Right, Bri?

Oh, hurry up, Willie,
Brian's science story is on next.

Say, I was just going over
the phone bill and I found...

Save it for later, Willie,
this is Brian's moment.

Do you know someone made
a two-hour phone call to Libya?

That might have been me.

Consumer Ed set up the call
to the factory.

This was a $300 phone call.

Hey. I got you a new TV out of it.
Didn't I?

I didn't pay $300 for the first one.

Which is exactly why it broke.

Brian's story is on. Turn it up.

I'd like to step out
of the consumer corner for a minute...

and share with you an interesting story
1 recently stumbled upon.

Look, there's my school.

I'm standing in the auditorium
of the Franklin Elementary School...

where an annual event
called a science carnival takes place.

Move it, clown.

But what makes this year's event
so unusual, besides the clowns...

is a new category called
the World of Ideas, where...