ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Gambler - full transcript

The Tanners are preparing for a garage sale to get some money for house payments. ALF discovers the alluring world of horse racing thanks to Kate's mom who bets on them. When the concept of a bookie is explained to ALF, he gets the bright idea of getting the Tanners some money through betting. When his initial bets yield only profit, the plan seems good... at the time.

say hey you're not selling my

ship-in-a-bottle are you if we're lucky

I love that ship its Dominion really the

whole reason we're having a garage sale

is to get rid of things we don't have to

be fanatics about it listen I've been

going over the bills someone should take

your credit cards away is that a typo an

$11,000 balloon payment no that's


you guys are getting ripped off you get

a whole package of balloons for 69 cents


seven years ago we took out a mortgage

on the house just to buy a balloon what

could we not talk about this right now

we've only got a week to get ready for

the garage sale you're selling the

garage well that's good because we're

gonna need some place to store that




so you understand what a balloon payment

is yeah and you know what a garage sale

is yeah good now can you explain secular

humanism again

hey you're not selling that are you I'm

afraid so

too bad be a great bottle if it weren't

for the ship stuck in it it's a ninja

well sorry

uh no Mac we didn't name our bottles it

doesn't matter

we're selling it anyway this house

payments hanging over your head isn't it

no we're just trying to clear away a

little extra space level with me you're

on the skids aren't you mom wants me to

sell my female we've got to be strong

about this not my hockey stick knock

knock who's there

hi kids all right kids who hi grandma

stop it you're ruining the joke excuse

me kids I love you very much but there's

something I've got a watch on TV horse

neighs come on oh good you brought some

more stuff in the garage there come on

move it come on butter's


since when do you bet on horses all my

life honey I can't picture you at a

racetrack I could picture her running I

wonder how long it would take to pull

the hair out of your body

about two hours Connie never took me to

a racetrack I never go to a racetrack

you meet an unsavory element there I bet

with a bookie they're not unsavory my

ignorance but what's a bookie an

unsavory element

you mean like oregano Nick the fish is

not unsavory look the fish you back with

a fish oh hi Garth I Willie Willie did

you know my mother bets on horses yeah

how much did you win grandma three

hundred bucks

oh yeah that's even better than last

week oh that's fine mom but I mean what

if you had lost hey it's my money

but it's all our inheritance for your

information I'm planning to leave all my

money to the alien task force sure

punish your grandchildren leave us out

of this that's her plan

pick it up in the kitchen and tag oh

yeah with these old clothes

I've got Flyers to make well I might as

well make myself useful

hold on Dorothy can you make a lot of

money with this horse-racing thing only

if you win no problem

put me in for 50 bucks where did you get

50 bucks have you been going through my

purse again yes but that's not where I

got the money by the way you're out of

Tic Tacs where did you get the 50 bucks

rebate coupons anyway if you'll just

slip 50 to mr. Fisch mints

no thanks I just brushed his name is

Nick mints and I'm not gonna place any

bets for you I'm not doing this for me

no you're raising money for charity Oh

excellent comeback Dorothy you must know

it's for a balloon payment which by the

way has nothing to do with a balloon

well I don't care what it has to do with

I am still not gonna place any bets for

you and it was a dynamite comeback once

again left to my own devices

don't you believe in knocking this is

our room

I know that what may I ask are you doing

in here I have to make a private call

now you two just go back in there and do

whatever you were doing we were brushing

our teeth no need to cover I think it's

great that you kids still keep the

flames burning thanks for the feedback

now when you're leaving yeah after my


who are you calling at this time of the

night do I pry into your personal life

look it's kind of a surprise what did we

say about surprises I know but it's a

good surprise just trust me please okay

two minutes Thanks

oh and close the door behind you hello

is this the fish great listen you don't

know me but I'm a friend of Dorothy

elegance yeah big red listen if I send

you 50 bucks can you turn that into

$11,000 no problem I've got till

Saturday fine oh all right


Nick oh yeah I was listening not bad huh

fifty bucks at six to one UPS let's see

that means I won three million dollars

Wow what $300 oh well let it run I've

got the Midas touch okay Nick yeah let's

go 50s on four in the fifth five in the

sixth six in the seventh and seven in

the eighth

then at Hialeah what I'd like to do so

that's a c-note on the double then one

each on the two exactas yeah a deuce on

the quinella and a half on the

perfective and remember nothing on the

pick six

I don't want to seem greedy Thanks and

my best to the fishwire



Kate I think your neighbors are having a

garage sale today - you're kidding me

autumn onyx yeah they got a couple of

beat-up chairs and an old self out on

their front lawn oh yeah that's the way

it always looks mom how come dad's

hockey sticks not out there well it

should be I know I put it out there oh

it's right next to the bottle with the

Mayflower in it it's not the Mayflower

I mean yeah hey come here Willie

I want you to see this race oh yeah I've

got time to watch a horse race now I'm

not a race this is the race this is the

one that's gonna make you very happy

keep your eye on number nine I mean the

one I just fell down yeah that's the one

it's not getting up he will he will

maybe he dropped something

Oh is the jockey is okay

who cares get up

get up well thank you house you'll

excuse me I have to put these away

NIC L does that race count all right all

right how much am i up oh well then how

much am i down well I have to make it

back fast put two thousand on what what

do you mean I can't bet any more no no

there's no reason for you to come over

here uh I'll be happy to put a check in

the mail hello okay quick question yeah

hypothetical situation an individual

places a bet with a professional bookie

okay for a sizable amount of money let's

say uh six thousand dollars and he loses

it and he can't cover his losses

hypothetically what could happen to this

individual well hypothetically he could

have his legs broken oh yes

just making conversation well I'm glad

we had this talk


you think I can get six grand for this

more like a quarter well it's a story

your favorite things do you want to sell

them for I want to do my part for the

garage sale help the family out of their

financial troubles by five o'clock how

we don't have any financial troubles we

do no not the slinky careful don't get a

kink in that I need to get five hundred

bucks for it

you won't yeah well what about this

a genuine melmac Ian's survival knife

there's no brain well life on melmac

wasn't that tough you have some really

nice things here but I really don't

think they're worth all that much

all right I was hoping I wouldn't have

to part with this but here it is my

collection of booyah baseball cards

what's a baseball it's like regular

baseball only get throw fish parts which

bucks what difference does it make how

much will you give me for this nothing

wait don't answer yet what if I threw in

an attractive 12 piece set of cookware

now what would you pay $3 soon if I'm

not buying that we had a deal I just

thought you wanted to know what it was

worth you're right I did

sorry do you really need to go to



eh we haven't sold one thing well it's

it's only been an hour

maybe we should have served food mom

this is a garage sale not a luau cave

nobody's buying anything I know that

it's just an observation I'm gonna see

if we have anything in the refrigerator

excuse me I have a question about the

price on this lamp it's negotiable Wow

hope so a thousand dollars is ridiculous

he must be some mistake this looks like

the handwriting about a two-year old or

someone much much older pardon me but

you can't really be charging $2,500 for

this coffee pot we could have two and a

half lamps for that price I'll give you

five bucks you expect us to come down

from $2,500 to 5 this look next door I

saw a nice sofa in the lawn

your mind $3,400 for steak knives I

think this could explain what the sales

have been slow maybe you don't

understand the concept of a garage sale

a mom Oh could you check the rest of the

prices well Willie and I go in the house

and investigate what excuse me ma'am do

you have any more of these $800

screwdrivers down here what are you

doing down there

shaking come on out we know what you did

you do just tell us why you did it I was

trying to make a little money where did

you get such a crazy idea from your

mother it was her bookie bookie

what bookie that bookie you have to do

with our garage sale

Kate do I have to fill in all the blanks

just stay here we'll talk about this

later no no don't answer it my life

isn't worth a plug nickel

really what is going on I have no idea

maybe your mother's bookie will know

Alpana Nikki bid hi okay

this is mr. men saw me Nick whatever

makes you comfortable

Alf you sound different person you got a

cold too

no no I've been sick for a month and

taking everything that need works

have you tried lemon juice and honey you

know my wife suggested that but I can't

digest citrus you could try the honey

without the lemon yeah maybe I'll try

that so where's my money


come on Al just give me the six grand so

I can go home and use the vaporizer six


you think I place the bet with you and

now I owe you

$6,000 yeah that's the general idea

come on give me the money you think mr.

Mintz I'm afraid I don't have $6,000

you'll find it because if you don't find

it well let's keep that hypothetical I

take care of myself where are we gonna

find $6,000 maybe some ago by the

folding chairs by Gordon Shumway being

of sound mind and well I retag

everything now who changed the prices ho

we have rounded up the usual suspect you

placed a bet with your bookie and lost 6

grand when you say it it sounds so


and now the mob is after him well at

least some good came out of this it's

doing in here yelling at El yeah what is

it involved this time food or money have

I become that predictable this time he

seems to incur two rather large gambling

debt yeah and your grandmother is

largely responsible me yeah you

introduced me to horse-racing knowing

full well how obsessive-compulsive I am

I depend on you people to protect me

from myself ah but it's not an informed


look I did what I did for good reason to

keep you people out of the poorhouse by

getting us hopelessly in debt good

strategy well how did you expect to make

that balloon payment with this pitiful

garage sale of yours by the way did the

steak knives go we put aside the money

for the balloon payment a long time ago

oh well can I borrow 6 grand of it saved

up and I've got a little money no one of

this family is giving money to Alf to

cover his gambling losses dan he was

trying to help oh you're right you're

right l will 6000 be enough or shall we

advance you for the next time you try to

help thanks for the sarcasm Willie

somewhere out there's a meat hook with

my name on it oh my gosh she's back

don't answer it mom is mr. mince a

violent man yes but he's fair let's all

slip out the side door we don't have a

side door well why don't we just finish

your will oh you guys go go out in the

driveway see if anybody is buying

anything you know we're a lot alike we

just can't keep ourselves out of trouble

oh thank god excuse me no no never mind

yes hi I'm Carl buck I was at your

garage sale and I found something I'd

like to buy but I'm not sure if you're

selling it Oh everything out there is

for sale yeah this thing look like a

spaceship except the spaceship not that

it is a spaceship could be anything

it's perfect for the film we're doing

film oh who exactly are you

Oh forgive me I'm a set decorator well

there's nothing to be ashamed of I was

looking for props for our film Jupiter

guy's ship would be perfect for it

you sure you don't want to sell it oh no

no we couldn't

why not it has sentimental value it

should work consider renting it no for

how long Willie no more than a week oh

no no we couldn't really I was willing

to pay for a thousand how about six okay

since Willie isn't there someone we

should consult about this take the money


business manager so do we have a deal

it's just for one week right right deal

great who can I make the check out to

mr. Nick Mintz all the fish





what are you looking for House rebate

coupons do my Nina

good luck Willie and good luck house