ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 25 - La Cuckaracha - full transcript

An insect from Melmac has an unexpected reaction when exposed to earthly chemicals.

hold it I haven't had my dessert Oh

gross what is that it's a slime ball ow

I know what you're gonna say I shouldn't

bring treats to the table unless I have

enough for everyone well we're in luck

no we're not you sure there's a surprise

in the center Wow where did you get

those melmac I usually buy wild cherry

but all they had left was slug Oh what

surprising the center I'll give you a

hint in wild cherry it was a cherry will

Cass okay more for me

you know it's a lucky thing I found

these when I was cleaning out my

spaceship a couple of more months and

they would have gone bad oh well they're

not that stale no lights are out roach

well I think someone's been slacking off

on our housekeeping it came from your

bag well needless to say that's the last

time I shop at Ed's bakery



we're at the rusco it ran under the bag

somebody step on it of course it does

it's a roach now coaches don't have blue

eyes they have I don't know what they

have well on melmac their eyes are blue

haven't you ever heard the expression

her eyes were as blue as a roaches

somebody just squash it

wait a minute Kate this thing came all

the way from melmac it's a unique

specimen we already have a unique

specimen from melmac you're comparing me

to a cockroach spray answer me I

wouldn't think it's Chantel it will be

just as interesting dead do you have to

kill it I mean couldn't you just I don't

know like let it loose in the backyard

no no here's what we should do we should

catch it I'll build a little box we'll

put a piece of donut right in the middle

then you guys make sure that Alf doesn't

get to the donut before the roach does


nevermind the box you mentioned

something about a doughnut roaches are

filthy disgusting creatures that carry

disease I thought we were talking about


there is no doughnut Roger funeral

we shouldn't bury it we should keep it

for study I'm just curious what kind of

doughnut would it have been plain plain

what all the choices they have nowadays

well you got me going

ow we are trying to figure out what to

do with the roach why it's gone what

look it's not there anymore where did it

go maybe then sprayed enough I use half

a can I'll be right back where are you

going I'm gonna call a donut place that

delivers come on everybody we are gonna

find that roach okay calm down calm down

there is a space roach loose in our

house well maybe it went somewhere to

die with dignity

Willie yeah all right al you can order

the doughnuts I already did but that's

not why I said oh why did you say just

come out here what is all this secrecy

about I didn't want to upset cake what

is it that would upset Kate I believe a

footlong cockroach would upset Kate old

blue eyes is back come on you guys I

told grandma we'd be at her place in 10


I think you're missing the point of this

trip just get packed please let's get in

the car

mom why do we have to take so much I

mean we're coming back we are coming

back aren't we yes when the cockroach is

killed but it was killed before this

time I want to see a body good news it's


well let's just say it's got three feet

in the grave the exterminators on his

way over we don't need an exterminator

we need Sigourney Weaver

okay unpack your bags I'll cancel the

exterminator I've killed the roads tell

us how you killed the roach after my

brother I can't how did you kill the

roach hey use the spray did you actually

see the body

I saw it hit the floor and been mmm then

I came in here so we're talking about an

unconfirmed kill technically let's go

kids come on wait Kate I emptied a whole

can of spray on it I tell you it's dead

you call me when you get to your

mother's touch Willy let's go Kate

you're not going anywhere

that's your roach it was my roach when

it was an inch lower now it belongs to

the world stay right where you are I'll

call you and the exterminator leave us

goodbye honey fine

be careful listen if it goes into my

room I don't want to know about it

bye out listen what's that exterminator

plan to use on this thing I don't know

spray hmm hmm what well maybe nothing

but we started with a roach this big

Kate sprayed it a minute later it was

big enough to wear a sweater

then you sprayed it again now I hate to

extrapolate out what happened when you

sprayed roaches on nomic we didn't have

spray-on melmac which in retrospect

seems like a pretty good thing

what's it doing back there anything it

wants to you you better hide in the

kitchen oh great the one place roaches

always go

would you rather hide back there if you

need me I'll be on top of the

refrigerator exterminator oh right where

are they in the bedroom but actually

there aren't really all that many

actually there's just one one rich just

the one yes way some kind of phobic

phobic yes all right I'll go kill the

roach wait wait just a minute please you

you can't use that spray why not

because who knows what effect it will

have on the roach

well if history's any teacher the

general effect will be death ideally yes

but this is a special roach what is it

hey don't use that spray fine I won't I

don't believe you give me the tank what

am i shooting so don't step on it

I was hoping you might be able to

suggest some more scientific way to kill

oh I'm sorry I left my heat-seeking

missile in the car oh now you're making

fun of me yes I am I'll just take a

magazine whack oh wait wait take this



did you warn them yeah when I I don't

think he'd believe me maybe you better

open the front door hi I've gotta see

this for myself you want me to hold the

door open how big did it get well that

depends do you measure at the shoulder

or the head


let's go Willie we're all packed and I

started the car we're not running away

from this roach you didn't hear me I

said we're driving away from this Roach

I'm not giving up I'm gonna find

something to kill it well may I suggest

the National Guard I'd prefer a method

that would keep us off the six o'clock

news all right I'll see you later

d stands for drive right Alf look

panicking is not gonna help anything all


let's just sit around and read this is

not reading this is research I'm going

to solve this problem with a calm

clinical approach that's exactly what

those guys in Detroit said then one

morning they woke up and found

themselves infested with Jaffee's

Jaffee's yeah

blood sucking maggots that take the

shape of their host detroit michigan you

amaze me you think that's the only

detroit in the universe where's the

other one on melmac a lot of good Rd

groups came out of there thank you thank

you but if we could stick to the problem

we're supposed to be finding a way to

kill roaches I thought of one but you

didn't like it I don't have a harpoon

whose fault is that I mean you can't

expect me to take care of everything

I think I may have discovered a less

violent solution now all these books say

that the best way to kill roaches is

with boric acid oh yeah that's what they

used on the Jaffee's but did it work

let's put it this way Detroit became

known as Jaffe town maybe they didn't

have the right concentration fortunately

I have access to all the latest

scientific research McCall's

they did an article on poison okay else

under the counter it's crawling with

spiders back there who well can I at

least take something to read Steve

Allen's world of bugs great I've already

read it

hi Tana hi Trevor I saw the exterminator

leave your house in such a hurry he

dropped his tank bugs oh yeah we have a

little cockroach problem ah yeah

cockroaches but Litella germanica a

little prehistoric friend you know

cockroach fossils have been found that

are over 300 million years old

that's Nystrom I'll never forget the

cockroach problem we had back in Korea

they were everywhere you took a step it

was like walking on crackers isn't that

interesting there's more I'm sorry

please go on we used to have to go to

sleep with our boots on because you know

the oriental ones when they bite they

secrete this weird saliva kind of like

meat tenderizer good enough for that in

your system forget it they showed us a

movie about it David Niven was brilliant

well I'll see ya oh by the way I took

the liberty of spraying around your

house you what yeah I noticed the

exterminator forgot to do it so I posted

up for you real good

no charge


I said no charge


where are you going oh I'm going to the

drugstore I'm gonna buy all the boric

acid the gut what you heard Trevor what

if you come back and I've been

tenderized I won't be gone wrong how

long they'll be gone five minutes take

me with you you know I can't well throw

me in the trunk

there's no air good suffocate

oh we're scuba gear give me 30 minutes

plus if you drive off the bridge I'll

survive I haven't got time to argue

all right go burst Kate and the kids now

you I feel like the pretty little virgin

look the one you know the apple-cheeked

maiden that the cowardly townspeople

feed to the dragon don't you read fairy

tales this is a discussion that we're

going to postpone I'm leaving it fine

I'll just toddle off into the kitchen

and saute myself Alf you know I wouldn't

leave you if I hadn't have a choice then

hug me what I want a hook why well

because we may never see each other


and we've never taken the time to you

know hug now tell me you love me all

right all right just hurry back okay and

don't stop for anything

Oh except maybe some more doughnuts

generally all right I should take it

easy I mean the only thing we have to

fear is fear itself

whoever said that must have had a lot of

bodyguards be strong be strong be afraid

be very afraid

listen me I'm pure gristle my whole

family has an aftertaste if you can hold

out there's Donuts on the way good idea

put some coffee on it I should have

guessed it probably likes gristle now I

feel like a tease hello operator

this is an emergency give me the fire

department or the police or the

paramedics somebody I don't care you

decide hello

fire department ah well I need you to

come out here there's a giant cockroach

trying to kill me all right then I'm a

cat and I'm stuck in a tree whatever it



whoever builds the doors on this planet

ought to be horsewhipped occupied all

right the party's over I've got a 357

and I know how to use it no one's ever

told me where these things lead oh you

want to use the bathroom

is that it hey hey I know the feeling


you're angry at the world I understand

that uh you probably didn't get enough

blow as a larva we could sit down talk

have a nice cold glass of boric acid you

know you can deal with it what do you

think about that ever see one of these


Joe yeah of a good psychiatrist friend

of mine he he deals with psychopathic


alpha you okay oh hi Willie did you get

the doughnuts what did you do

nothing much watched a little TV kill

the bug how did you kill it cheap


let's try fume I bought that for Kate on

her last birthday you had Roche problems

then - how did you know to use this well

I analyzed the list of ingredients and

based on what I know about the

physiology of Mel Maki and cockroaches

Alf I lucked out I can't believe you

took this roach on all by yourself you

could have been killed when it comes to

defending my home I'm an animal that's

just the way on me

I don't know I'm gonna drag this outside

before Kate gets back

no don't rough it up once they dry out

they get brittle what difference does

that make

are you kidding I plan to have that guy

stuffed and mounted ASAP I thought it

would look good over the fireplace we're

getting rid of it

hello oh hi Kate I was just about to

call you

I've got some good news about the roach

and some bad news about your birthday



hey Brian how about a bedtime story I'm

too tired to tell you one tonight no

I'll tell you one okay

what do you want to hear Bob are the

elephant The Princess and the pea or

brave Alf and the giant cockroach I'll

go with the princess why read it

yourself what you do it's a cockroach

we found a dump that doesn't ask

questions so now they don't give a prize

for the weirdest garbage now did you

check your spaceship see if there are

any more cockroaches consider it roach

las' but you you sprayed everything with

perfume just in case well everything but

my gym bag I don't want to get funny

looks if I ever go back to my health

club what is this plant looks kind of

like a Venus flytrap it is from Venus I

want that out of this house why it's

just a plant it brightens up the room

gives off oxygen it eats insects and


I'll get the perfume I'll call and see

if the duck is still open

I'll take back the boric acid get some

dick folium

if people are getting good at this