ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 22 - It Isn't Easy... Bein' Green - full transcript

Well, my name is ALF
And I'm stuck on Earth

I can't get back to my place of birth

I'm making the best of a bad situation

Think of it as an extended vacation

Yeah.

No, I didn't come here
Looking for trouble

I'm just here doing the Alien Shuffle

Take it, Lynn.

Well, how do you do?
My name is Lynn

-I'm doing some rapping with an alien
-Yeah.

He's kind of short
A little bit furry



I'd rap some more
But I'm in a hurry

Good. Good.

Hey, look who's here
His name is Willie

Come rap with us
Let's all get silly

I'd lave tn, ALF
But I gotta get ready

I just wanted to tell Lynn
that her mother needed her.

- That isn't even close to rhyming.
- I wasn't trying.

ALF, you can come out now
if you want.

Hey, Willie, come here. Listen to this.

Let me know when
this gets irritating. Okay.

Now. Now! It's irritating
almost at once.

- What was that?
- MELMACIAN mating call. Like it?

It's charming.

Does it have any effect?



Ah. Knocks them unconscious.

I better go.

I'm beginning to feel faint.

ALF...

while we're gone, I trust you won't
be getting into any mischief.

- You do?
- Not really.

But we gotta go.

- Come on. Come on.
- What? What?

- Out of there. Out!
- What?

Oh, jeez, I never do anything right.

Kate, I changed this lyric.
You wanna listen to this?

Asparagus, asparagus
Put us on your table

Asparagus, asparagus
Will make you feel more able

What was the change you made?

I mean, I changed:

According to Aunt Mabel

I changed to:

Will make you feel more able

I liked "Aunt Mabel" better.

I thought you were watching
Wheel of Fortune.

I am. Buy a vowel!

I guess maybe there's another word
that rhymes with table.

There's Grable, gable, fable...

This is a show for first graders,
and it's tonight.

I don't think I'd make
more big changes.

You're right. "More able" stays.

Fine. You're the writer.

Vanna, honey, when you stand
sideways, they can't see the letters.

I'd better tell Brian that
"Aunt Mabel" is out. Where is he?

- I don't know.
- He's in the kitchen, boning the salmon.

Oh, I'll tell him later.

Now, for my dramatic Verdian bridge.

Spin that sucker.

What a wimp!

Could you please keep it down?

Yeah, Willie.
Have some consideration.

ALF, ALF,
this is a very important show.

I know, it's the semifinals.

I'm not talking about Wheel of Fortune.
I'm talking about the Nutrition Follies.

Brian's school pageant.
Now, if you don't mind.

Boning the salmon?

Here you go, ALF.

- Where's the head?
- Give that to me.

You're not to eat
boned salmon in the living room.

Fine. Who wants it
without the head, anyway?

Brian, come here.
I made some changes on the song.

I think it's gonna be a lot easier
for you. Let me show you.

Asparagus, asparagus
Put it on your table

Asparagus, asparagus
Will make you feel more able

I liked "Aunt Mabel."

Forget it, kid. Aunt Mabel's history.

- Uh, let's try on your costume.
- It's too big.

No, I made you a new one.
This one's smaller.

Come on, let's see how it looks.

Hop in there. There you go.

There.

You are an official Aspara-Guy.
What do you think?

Personally, I'm appalled
by the whole idea.

On Melmac we only
dressed as vegetables...

during periods of mourning.

Or when someone died.

Well, when someone dies here...

we generally wear dark clothes,
maybe a hat.

A hat? To a funeral?

When do you wear feathers?

We don't.

Barbarians.

Oh, Brian...

you look so cute.

You're gonna make
a great celery stalk.

- He's an asparagus.
- Oh.

I'd rather be a celery.

All right, everyone.

We just got a few minutes now
before the last rehearsal.

Why don't you and I run over
the song before Spencer gets here?

Daddy, I don't want to.

Brian, you were so excited about this.

I stink.

Spencer says so.

What do you care what Spencer says?

Because he laughs at me
and makes me forget the words.

I don't like him. He's mean.

Brian, that's not really...
That's not fair.

I'm sure Spencer has some
very fine qualities.

That's not what you said last night.

Well, maybe an unkind word
slipped in here or there.

Willie, you said the kid was fungus.

I did not.

And even if I did, that's not the point.

What was the point?

The point is moot.

The little fungus is here now.

- Oh, Lynn.
- Right.

- Come on, ALF.
- Yeah, I know.

Eighty-six the alien.

Let's go to my room.

What about the salmon?

- Forget about the salmon.
- Forgotten.

Why would anyone
throw away the head?

Remember, Brian...

don't let Spencer get to you.
171 try.

Hi there, Spencer.

Look what I got from my dad,
Dr. Potato Famine.

- Wow. Can I look at it?
- No way. You might wreck it.

From your father, eh, Spence?
He back in town again?

Nope. Zurich.

His secretary sent this to me.
But he told her to.

Spencer, why don't we try
on our costume and we'll get started?

- Where is it?
- It's right over here.

You call that an asparagus?

It looks like a zucchini.

Why don't we rehearse first,
then try on the costumes, okay?

Okay.

But nobody touch this.
It's very expensive.

I'll guard it with my life.

Here's some material
I've worked on to open up the act.

What act?

Well, I thought I'd tell some jokes
to liven things up.

Always open with comedy
and close with a song.

Brian, you wanna come over here,
we'll try this?

See if you get it right this time.

Okay. "Asparagus.”

Asparagus are lung and green

And good for you to eat

We'll make your body strong and...

Pick it up!

- Our flavor can't...
- Be beat

- Can't you remember anything?
- Hey.

- Leave me alone!
- You know, guys.

Look, guys, this is something
that we're trying to do...

We're trying to do this together.
This takes a lot of cooperation.

Let's try right at the refrain.
Let me just do this for you.

Asparagus, asparagus
Put us on your table

Asparagus, Asparagus
Will make you feel more able

- What happened to "Aunt Mabel"?
- I changed it.

You changed it?

I changed it.

I think this has more impact.

You see, nobody knows
who Aunt Mabel...

This is the way we're doing it,
and that's it.

You're the writer.

Let's try it. Okay?

-Asparagus, asparagus
-Put us on your table

Asparagus, asparagus

Will make you feel Aunt Mabel

Oh, I can't work with him.

Say, will you turn that off?

Now? Bonanza is just coming on.

ALF, you've seen Bonanza
a hundred times.

I know, but this is
one of the lost episodes.

- Please turn that off.
- Fine.

It's lost forever.

No, Spencer, I'm sorry, I don't think
jokes about your ex-wife will work.

No. No priests,
no rabbis and no ministers.

No, Spencer, the song stays as it is.

Okay, everybody, it's almost
show time. Everybody ready?

- Just about.
- Come on, Brian, here's your costume.

I don't wanna go.

Brian, honey...

it'll be a lot of fun.

All your friends will be there.

Yeah, they need you.

Nobody needs asparagus.

William, may I have
a word with the boy?

ALF, he's our son...

and we'll handle this, all right?

Fine. I'm a dot on the horizon.

Brian, I know that
Spencer bothers you...

but you can't let that stop you.

Now, 10, 20 years from today...

nobody will remember
the Nutrition Follies...

but you will remember
that you went out there.

You were the best asparagus
you could be.

I don't care.
I don't wanna do it. I'm scared.

Brian, lots of famous people get
stage fright before they have to sing.

I read somewhere that Rod Stewart
seizes up with stomach cramps...

- hyperventilates and...
- Lynn.

I'll wait in the car.

So if you really,
really don't wanna sing...

then we'll just
sit in the audience and watch.

We'll take your costume
just in case you change your mind.

Okay? Let's get in the car.

Oh, good, you solved it without me.

Yes, we managed to fumble through.

So, Brian, you gonna sing?

Not exactly, but we are going.

So you blew it.

Listen, I think I've got a fix
on the kid's problem.

Mind if I talk to him alone
for a minute?

Just keep it short.

Come on over here, pal.

We'll be in the car, Brian.

We are pals, aren't we?

- Yeah.
- So, what's the problem?

It's that Spencer guy, isn't it?

Well, let me tell you
a little story about a guy...

who had the same problem you did.

A guy named Gordon.

Who's he?

Someone I grew up with on Melmac.

Nice kid.

Handsome...

intelligent...

great athlete...

wonderful sense of humor. Ha!

- It was you, wasn't it?
- How'd you guess?

- Anyway, I was doing a little...
- Your name's really Gordon?

- Yeah, Gordon.
- That's funny.

It's my mother's maiden name,
all right?

- Sorry.
- Anyway, back on Melmac...

I was in a little dinner-theater
production of Man of La Mancha.

I was playing Sancho Panza.

It was opening night.

There was a full house.

I was about to sing my first number...

when suddenly I froze.

I was like this:

Yeah.

Your name is really Gordon?

Just go with me on this, okay?

I'm up there, I'm frozen...

can't remember
my opening number.

The audience was getting hostile.

They were ready to start
throwing bread sticks at me...

when the guy who played
Don Quixote pulled me aside...

and gave me this good-luck charm.

- A tooth?
- Yeah.

His 124-year molar.

- Did it bring you good luck?
- Ha, you bet.

I got through my song...

plus "The Impossible Dream"...

and every other song in the show.

For an encore, I even did
a couple of numbers from Gypsy.

Yeah, but will it work
on asparagus songs?

No problem.

Don Quixote says
the tooth works on vegetables too.

Look, just stick that
in your back pocket...

and you'll go out there
and knock them dead.

Great. I will.

Thanks, Gordon.

Don't worry, kid.

You'll be swell.

You'll be great.

Brian!

Uh-oh.

There's trouble...

right here in River City.

Mom;, I think those people
are in our seats.

Um...

Excuse me, I believe
you're in our seats.

No, these are seats 11 and 12.

Ah. Here's the problem.

Your seats are in the meat section.

And this is the vegetable section.

- You're all vegetables, aren't you?
- Yeah, absolutely.

We're all vegetables.

Lady, I think you're mistaken.

We're potatoes.

No, these are not potatoes.

These are Cornish game hens.

What are you talking about?

Look, here's the butter
and here's the chives.

No, I'm sorry, I think that's wild rice.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Come on, Sally. We're poultry.

Sorry.

I hope Brian's gonna be all right.

- Oh, he'll be fine. He's a trouper.
- Yeah.

Hello, Jack Rabbit Delivery Service?

Yeah. I'm looking at your ad
in the Yellow Pages.

How would you feel about
delivering a tooth to an asparagus?

Hello? Hello?

Yes.

Yes, indeed. Let's hear it
for the two garlics.

Now we'll take a short break
while we air out the stage.

Okay, guys, come on, come on.
We follow the garlics.

- It's gone!
- What's gone?

- My lucky tooth. I can't go out there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What lucky tooth?
- The one ALF gave me for courage.

Next on our entertainment menu...

a treat from our friends
in the vegetable family.

I give you the Aspara-Guys.

All right, Spencer...

I want you to go out there.
I want you to do those jokes.

Oh, boy. My big break.

Right, Brian, I'm trying to understand
about this tooth business.

True story. A guy walks
into the principal's office...

with a duck on his head.

The principal says,
"My gosh, how did this happen?”

The duck says, "I don't know.
It started as a growth on my foot."

What's wrong?

It wasn't funny.

No, I mean, where's Brian?
Why isn't he up there?

What is this?
An audience or an oil painting?

Hello, listen, I need a cab here
as soon as possible.

Yeah, 167 Hemdale.

It's an unassuming house
that needs a paint job.

Uh-huh. You'll be going
to the Franklin Elementary School.

How many passengers?
None. Just a tooth.

Hello? Hello?

Mr. Tanner,
what seems to be the problem?

- Brian's lost a tooth.
- Oh, how cute.

But there's no business
like show business.

So let's go on with the show.

I'm afraid we'll need
another minute or so.

Well, all right, but please hurry.
The radishes are getting testy.

So how many of you
are from out of town?

Brian, no matter how special
Don Quixote's tooth may be...

you can't count on something
to give you courage.

Why not?

Because courage doesn't
come from some thing...

courage comes from inside,
from in you.

If you can sing with a lucky charm,
you can sing without one.

My teacher's so old...

her Social Security number's
in Roman numerals.

But what if I mess up, Dad?

No, you won't mess up, son...

and even if you do...

it doesn't matter.

The important thing is that you
go out there and give it your best shot.

Hello, Bye Bye Travel?

Yeah. When's your
next flight to Hawaii?

Oh, perfect. Good.

Listen, on the way to the islands...

you think we could stop
at the Franklin Elementary School?

Hello? Hello?

May your daughters
marry substitute teachers.

But what about Spencer?

What about me? I just bombed.

The meat section hates me.

They don't hate you, Spencer...

I think they just don't
understand comedy.

Spencer, you're crying.

No, I'm not.

I was standing
too close to the onions.

Look, I'm going to introduce
a vegetable out there.

Now, is it going to be green or red?

Well, what's it gonna be, guys?

- I'm not going.
- You aren't?

No. I'm scared.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I don't think I can even remember
the words to the song.

Well, you say:

Asparagus are long and green
And good for you to eat

And I say:

We'll make your body strong and lean

Our flavor can't be beat

- Oh, yeah.
- Right, Dad?

Right.

I think you better introduce
the Aspara-Guys.

Where are they?

I don't know...

but I'm going back there.

Okay, here we go. Sit down, lady.

And now, at long last,
the Aspara-Guys.

Come on, you can do it.

Asparagus are lung and green

And good for you to eat

We'll make your body strong and lean

Our flavor can't be beat

So when you're in the store
Just take this tip from us

Buy asparagus

Maestro!

Okay.

All right, Brian.

I guess it's up to me.

Yeah.

ALF.

ALF, what are you doing
in that costume?

Uh... Uh...

My uncle died.

ALF, I did it. I sang my song.

- You did?
- Without the lucky tooth.

- He was great.
- He was the best vegetable up there.

Yeah, you see, courage
doesn't come from a tooth.

It comes from in here.

That was close enough.

But thanks anyway.

Yeah. Come on, Brian.

Come on, let's get ready for bed.

Asparagus, asparagus

Brian, we were great.

I'm gonna make myself a sandwich.

Sitting with all that food
made me hungry.

Well, I'm glad the kid did so well.

I guess I'll go change.
It's getting hot in here.

ALF.

Yes.

I don't think your uncle
really died, did he?

Then who did we bury?

I think that you were
gonna sneak out...

and bring Brian that tooth,
weren't you?

I wasn't gonna sneak.

I was going to hot-wire a car.

Whatever.

You were very concerned about Brian.

I think...

I think that was very sweet.

You, uh

You wanna hug me, don't you?

Maybe we could start
with a handshake.

Deal.

I feel ridiculous.