ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 21 - Lookin' Through the Windows - full transcript

There's a power blackout, so ALF is passing the time by watching the Tanners' neighbors, the Ochmoneks, who are fighting. By dinner time, the power has come back so the Tanners can have dinner. Then comes another, short blackout. ...

Don't you walk away
when I'm talking to you.

So stop talking.
I don't want to talk about it, Raquel.

Well, we're gonna
talk about it, Trevor.

You want to talk about it,
talk about it.

I'll be in the can.

Don't go in that bathroom
when I'm fighting with you.

Don't you go in that bathroom!

Okay, then I'm going in the bedroom.

I'll give her half a point.

Hey, pull up a chair, Willie.
You're missing a good one.

What are you doing?

Watching the Ochmoneks fight.
Trevor's ahead on points.

ALF, you're not supposed to
watch people through their windows.

Find something else to do.

Willie, there's a power blackout.

There's no TV, no video games.

I can't play blink the lights.

We're all suffering, ALF.
Why don't you...?

Why don't you go out
in the backyard and play?

In this heat?
You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.

Well, I could.

Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?

This is what people wear
when they swelter.

I saw it in Streetcar.

I don't like you taking my clothes.

And I don't like you using my
opera glasses to spy on the neighbors.

Boy, you get irritable when it's hot.

Remind me to never
take you to Mercury.


Hey, would you knock off the sax?

Hey, Willie,
write out a check for $6000.

All right, but, uh,
don't cash it till tomorrow.

It's not for me.

I'm ordering a battery-powered
home-entertainment center.

I want to be ready
for the next blackout.

No checks.

All right, but it's a bad idea
to send cash through the mail.

Lynnie, I've got ALF's plate.

- Will you carry everything else?
- Yeah.

- A nice, solid portion, ALF.
- It's his new diet.

Yeah. You can eat as much as you want
of whatever you want.

And you lose weight that way?

You do?

Oh, not another blackout.

I guess we'll have to reset
the clocks again.

Let's not. Let's just live
a few minutes behind everyone else.

So, what's for dessert?

You're finished already?

What do you do, inhale it?

He... He ate mine too.

- Get that, will you, Brian?
- No way.

I'll get it.

- Pass me the corn.
- ALF, go in the kitchen.

I just got comfortable.

Tell whoever it is
to go into the kitchen.

Just go.

Carry me?


All right, all right.

Don't anyone eat my corn.



- Hi, Mr. Ochmonek.
- Hi, Trevor.

- What is it with women, anyway?
- Beats me.

You're a woman, maybe you'd know.

- Well, uh, let's see...
- You can't please them.

I bring Raquel flowers,
I talk to her once in a while.

You think that makes her happy?

Apparently not.

You're a good kid. Take my advice:

Don't get involved with women,
take up swimming.

I get ear infections.

Where was |7

You were putting down
all women everywhere.

Right, thanks.

Nothing I do is good enough
for Raquel anymore.

So I'm not Gary "Mr. Perfect” Collins.

Hey, she's no Mary Ann Mobley.

Anybody eating this corn?

I guess you are.

If that's Raquel, I'm not here.

Hi, Mrs. Ochmonek.

There you are.

Leave me alone, I'm eating.

I want you to come home
with me now, please.

Why, so you can
yell at me some more?

I don't think we should be airing our
dirty laundry in front of the neighbors.

Hey, they know we fight.
They watch us through the windows.

No. No, we don't.

No one in this room
watches you through your windows.


I always feel someone's
watching from this place.

Oh, it's probably our,
ahem, poltergeist.

- Trevor, are you coming home or not?
- Not.

Uh, Trevor, maybe it would be
better if you did go home...

and, you know, uh,
kind of talked this thing out.

You can take the corn with you.

Yeah, you're right.

She's gonna yell at me anyway.

I might as well be somewhere
I can take my pants off.

I'm sorry about this.

Well, that was fun.

We really should
have them over more often.

ALF, did you hear what Trevor said?

Who took my corn?

He said he knows that someone's
watching them from this house.

Okay, I'll try not to do it anymore.

Where's my corn?

- Night, ALF.
- Night.

- What are you doing?
- Speed-reading this book.

Really? What's it about?

I have no idea.
But the fur on my finger's gone.

You're like a kid
when it comes to money.

We should put you on an allowance.

Hey, I'm the one that
earns the money in this family.

Looks like the Ochmoneks
are at it again.

Lynn, it's not polite to listen in
on other people's conversations.

Right. What was I thinking?

- Enjoy your book.
- Thanks.

- Night.
- Night.

My mother warned me.

She said, "Don't marry a man who
doesn't have a job and who gambles.”

- Ah, put a cork in it, Raquel.
- Don't tell me what to do.

I'm warning you, Raquel.
I've had it up to here with your nagging.

Just shut up!
You're waking the whole neighborhood!

I won't shut up.

I want everyone to know
the kind of man I married.

Well, I don't. I'm shutting the window.

How can I read with all this quiet?

Call the police!

Call the police! Call the police!
Horrible! Horrible!

Worse than Friday the 13th Part.

Worse than Friday the 13th Part III.

ALF, what's going on?

Don't ask.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about murder.
I'm talking about mayhem.

I'm talking about foul play.

ALF, get to the point
or go back to sleep.

All right.

I just saw Mr. Ochmonek
kill Mrs. Ochmonek.

- Oh, come on.
- I'm serious.

I heard them fighting.

Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek
pick up an ice pick.

Maybe you misinterpreted things.

Oh, right. Maybe they were
playing Ice Pick Bingo.

ALF, you are always doing...
Do you remember when you thought...

Mr. Litwak was building
an atomic bomb in his basement?

It was an atomic bomb.

It was a pool heater.

- Ha! They don't even own a pool.
- Yes, they do.

They do? Can we go over?

Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired...

you're having a hard time
distinguishing fantasy from reality.

So you're saying I'm crazy?

I'm saying your mind
may have been playing tricks on you.

Fine, don't believe me.

They didn't believe
the boy who cried wolf.

The boy who cried wolf lied.

He did?

I've gotta stop speed-reading books.

ALF, go. Go to bed.

Tomorrow morning you'll realize
how silly this whole thing is.

I'll never rest.
Not until that murderer's behind bars.

All right, maybe I'll take a nap,
but I won't enjoy it.

We've got to get him a hobby.

Whoa. It was only a dream.

I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam
before I go to bed.

ALF. ALF, are you all right?

What happened?

- ALF!
- Hey, watch the shoulders.

I've got bursitis.

ALF, what were you screaming about?

It was horrible. Trevor was after me.

I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.

Well, he was here a minute ago.

Check behind the refrigerator.

ALF was just having a nightmare.

That is exactly
what happens to people...

who stare into
other people's windows.

Isn't he wonderful?

The guy can turn anything
into an object lesson.

Would you like us to stay with you
for a little while?

Yes, please. Forever.

Come on, Brian.

ALF, try to get some sleep.

I can't. I'm too wound up.

I've been through a trauma.

Would it be all right
if the rest of us got some sleep?

Sure, Willie.

We wouldn't want you to be
cranky tomorrow.

Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed.
Good night, ALF.

- Good night, ALF.
- Good night, ALF.

Okay, don't fall asleep.

Don't fall asleep.

Don't fall asleep.

Ignore that. Ignore that.

Oh, heck,
why must I be so darn curious?

Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek,
I knew her well.

Oh, hello.
Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to?

Oh, jolly good.

I'm doing a survey for the BBC...

and I wonder if you'd like to
answer some questions.


First off, what would you say
is the difference between...

American and British television?



Fine. And thank you, Mr. Ochmonek.
Question number two.

Did you kill your wife?

- ALF!
- Got to go, the queen just dropped by.

What were you doing?

Just some impressions.

Hey, you wanna see
my Sammy Davis Jr.?

You know, this dude, man...

and I mean that, she is so...

You were harassing Trevor.

Kate, I saw the man
bury his wife in the backyard last night.

Look, don't you remember?
You were dreaming.

No, this was real.

Look, I took these pictures.

These are all black.

You wanted me to use a flash?

The guy's a murderer.

Trevor is not a murderer.

Murderers do not commit crimes
in front of windows...

with the shades pulled up.

Yes, they do.

Leopold and Loeb used to leave
their shade up all the time...

and their door open.
Anybody could have walked in.

ALF, please, please,
just give your imagination a rest.

Justice never rests.

What if I gave justice a cookie?

Justice will think about it.


Oh, no.


Oh, no.

Trevor, don't... Don't go into the den.

Trevor, pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.

Ochmonek residence.

ALF, why are you answering?

It was ringing.

- You've got to get out of there.
- Who is this?

It's me. It's Willie.

Oh, hi, Willie.

Hey, I can see you
through the window.

ALF, Trevor's in the next room.
Get out!

Right. Bye.

Oh, Trevor.

Pick up the phone, please.


Oh, hi. Ha-ha.

- Tanner?
- Yeah, hi.

Did you just call a minute ago?


I mean, ahem, no.

Oh, it must have been the BBC.

The BBC? No!

Yeah. Hey, you wanna know
why their shows are better than ours?

Because they respect their audiences.

I'll give you an example.

Last week, on the Benny Hill Show...

Benny meets this guy
wearing high heels.

Well, Benny's not wearing
the high heels, the other guy is.

Benny's wearing a dress, of course.

So when they meet, they're walking
down the street, swishing away...

Okay, where is he?

If you're talking about me, I'm in here.

Honey, what is the matter?

Him! He's what's the matter! Him!

He broke into the Ochmoneks' house,
he went through their drawers.

I didn't break in, I used a crowbar.

ALF, didn't I tell you
not to bother Trevor anymore?

Yeah. How does this sound?

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.”

That's all I've got so far.

This is the last straw.

Oh, you say that all the time.

This time is...

Look, Willie, you're upset,
I understand that.

But before you pop a blood vessel,
let me show you something.

Exhibit A.

Chattering teeth?

These don't chatter.

They belonged to Mrs. Ochmonek.

This was her laugh.

Now we know you didn't break in there
for nothing, now we know you're a thief.

This proves she was murdered.

People don't pull their teeth
and gums out while they're alive.

ALF, uh, ha-ha...

those are false teeth.

No kidding? Well, let me try them.

Give me the teeth. I'm returning these.

And if you ever, ever...

Do you understand?

You see the look he gave me?

ALF, why do you do these things?

- I'm a concerned citizen.
- Oh...

First they came for the communists...

but I didn't speak up
because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the Jesuits...

- We get the point.
- Mom, don't you think it's strange...

that Mrs. Ochmonek would leave
the house without her teeth?

Maybe she was
meeting someone for soup.

Never mind.

Maybe we shouldn't have let
Dad go over there.

Yeah. Trevor might decide
to become a serial killer.

They get a lot more publicity.

Mom, what if ALF is right?

ALF, do you see what you are doing
here? You're making everybody crazy.

Honey, Trevor can't be a murderer.
We have known that man for years.


- Oh, no!
- What? What?


- He's got his ice pick.
- Oh!

He's walking towards Willie.

- I knew it! Call the police!
- Oh!

Oh, no.

Honey, go...
Go into Brian's room, you stay with him.

I'm going over there.

Okay, I'll call the police.

Where's the phone? Oh, here it is.

Aah! That's the coffee pot. Aah!

Willie, are you all right?

- Willie.
- What's the matter?


What's that all about?

Oh, well...

Well, the lights went out, um...

and Willie's afraid of the dark.

So I thought I'd see if he was okay.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Yeah, he's fine.
You're afraid of the dark? Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, it's not really something
I like to talk about.

Trevor, um, could I ask you...

what are you doing
with that ice pick?

Chopping ice.

I see.

Listen, I didn't really know
how to bring this up, uh, Trevor...

but are these yours?

No. They look like Raquel's.

- Where'd you find them?
- Oh, outside.

I wonder how they got there.

Well, they probably
fell out of her mouth.

Well, thanks for being honest enough
to bring them back.

- No problem.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Well, you know,
we really should be going now.

Uh, Willie, Lynn is probably
worried about us. Um...

She always worries about us.

Yeah, I gotta get back
to cleaning the bathroom.

There's blood all over the place.


Willie, let's go!

Excuse me.

- Is, uh, one of you...?
- That's him. He killed her.

- What? What's she talking about?
- She's just joking.

Honey, I don't think we should be
making these accusations.

Look, uh, some guy named
Willie Tanner called.

Said you buried your wife
in the backyard.

Why does ALF always use my name?

Hey, Tanner, why'd you say that?

You know why.


were seen digging a hole last night.

Digging a...?

Ah, that wasn't Raquel I buried,
that was a side of beef.

You expect us to believe that?


I paid a guy 100 bucks for it.

It was heisted off the back of a...

I won it in a raffle.

A meat raffle.

All right. All right.

Then why is there
blood in the bathroom?

From the side of beef.

I was cutting it up in the tub
so I could fit it in the fridge.

Any more questions?

I don't think so.

Can I ask you where your wife is?

She's at her sister's.

The meat went bad
and stunk up the house.

Raquel said she wouldn't come back
until I dumped it.

Trevor. Trevor, I'm so sorry.

How could you think
I'd do something like that?

Sometimes our imaginations
just get the best of us.

Trevor, we're really sorry.

Ah, forget it.

Raquel and I used to think you two
were Moonies, so we're no better.

- Not again.
- Nobody panic.

Yeah, Tanner, don't freak out.

Listen, officer,
while you're in the neighborhood...

there's a guy named
Litwak down the block...

I think he's building
an A-bomb in the basement.

Yeah, well, I'll get right on it.

- Did you see something?
- No.

Well, I did. What the hell was that?

What are you doing with my teeth?

You gotta be more careful
when you talk.


- Oh, hi, Lynn.
- What are you doing?

This isn't what it looks like.

You mean you're not
watching the Ochmoneks?

All right, it is what it looks like.

ALF, you promised Mom and Dad
you wouldn't do that anymore.

I know, but I have a good reason.

I'm waiting for them to go to sleep
so I can dig up the meat in their yard.

I'm going to bed.

- Do we have any Beaujolais?
- Good night, ALF.

Sweet dreams.