ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 20 - Going Out of My Head Over You - full transcript

No, David,
you can't sleep over here

because, um, uh, um..

Tell him the house
is being painted.

I told him that last time.

Tell him
the basement's flooded.

The basement's flooded.

- Okay, bye.
- The basement's flooded?

Well, why didn't
somebody tell me?

No, the basement's fine.

See, David wanted to sleepover

and Brian was telling him
why he can't.



Brian, you shouldn't lie.

Hello, is the doctor in?

Hello?

Unless, of course, the truth has
an arrow through his head.

Ha!

I just want you to know
how I feel about lying.

Dad's always been against it.

Even though there are
certain situations

in which lying is not as wrong
as it is in other situations

I want you to know that
lying is always wrong.

You understand
what I'm saying?

Do you?

I'm working at it.

Hey, Willie, look at this.



It's a squirting flower.

Am I working it right?

Uh, I think you got
the basic idea.

Where'd you get that?

I sent away for a whole box
of this stuff.

That Taiwan must be
the most fun place on Earth.

Oh, ALF, uh, you better
go to the kitchen.

But I didn't show
you the fake vomit.

Save that for dinner.

Of course, where's my mind.

Don't even think about it.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.

You should really answer
the door more quickly.

- I was getting ready to leave.
- I'm so sorry.

You're all wet.
Is the basement flooded again?

Dad was squirted by a flower.

Oh, Trevor wanted to buy
one of those things.

I just put my foot down.

Good for you.

I locked myself out.

Would it be alright
if I stayed here

till Trevor came home?

Well, uh, I-I don't know.

Can I ask you something?

Why is there always
hair on your couch?

Well, we, uh..

Uh, we-we had a dog..

...and then he ran away.

Years ago.

Before we knew you.

Psst. Psst.

What was that?

Uh, that, uh..

Uh-uh, that must be
the pipe acting up again.

Oh, that pipe.

That pipe, I-I think
I'll go wrap it in tape.

One of the dog's old toys.

What is it?

What?

You amaze me.

You're 229 years old

and that's what
you think is funny?

Can we talk about this
some other time?

I have to make number four.

Uh, how am I supposed
to get rid of Mrs. Ochmonek?

I don't know, tell her about
that interesting fishing trip

you went on with your father.
That'll do it.

Oh, hey, Willie, come here.

Yeah.

Oh, I kill me.

- You're all wet again.
- Uh, yeah. I, uh..

- Did another pipe burst?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's right, yeah, yeah.

Right, oh-oh,
uh, Mrs. Ochmonek

uh, would you mind, uh, uh, uh

facing the door
just for a moment, please?

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I think, I'll wait for Trevor
by the curb.

Never mind,
the moment has passed.

ALF.

- ALF.
- What? What? What?

What are you doing?

Well, I was sleeping
'til you woke me up!

Well, since when do you
sleep standing up?

Since I started sleeping
with that box on my head.

You look ridiculous.

Well, not everyone
sleeps like you.

Mouth open,
drooling on the pillow.

How do you know
how I look when I sleep?

I go into your bedroom at night
and watch you and Kate.

I don't like you doing that.

Well, hey, you were watching me.

I couldn't sleep. I came out
to get a glass of milk.

I heard you.. Ah!

Oh, good, it works.

ALF, there are
tacks on the floor.

It's my alarm system,
in case a burglar shows up.

Getting one of your
headaches again?

You know what's
good for that? Jogging.

I've been doing
a lot of it lately.

I don't think jogging
is the answer.

You've been jogging?

Yeah, you can really
see the definition

in my thigh muscles.

You actually go outside

in the street
where people can see you?

I jog at night.
And I wear a dark headband.

Um, uh, I'm gonna go back
to bed and drool..

Did you get your milk?

No, I stepped on the tack.

Do these things
ever get to you?

No, I-I usually wear slippers.

I'm talking about...
the things ALF does.

You know, tacks
on the floor

jogging, hair on the couch

squirting flowers,
fish in the dryer.

When did he put
fish in the dryer?

Well, he hasn't...yet.

You know, you could
talk to someone about ALF.

I thought I was.

No, no, no, I mean,
someone outside the family

somebody who's not
so close to the thing.

But that's just the point, Kate,
I can't tell anyone about ALF.

How about Larry?
He's a psychologist.

- A psychologist? Kate...
- No, no, no,

I mean, you can trust him. He's
not allowed to tell anyone.

Oh, I don't know. Ah..

- I-I'll think about it.
- Okay.

Now, we gotta get some sleep.

Now, I gotta get up
early in the morning

get a tetanus shot.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you guys
would be asleep.

I guess it wouldn't hurt
to give Larry a call.

What are you lookin' at?

Well, Mr. O'Hara,
I'll see you next week, okay?

And, uh, on your way home, keep
telling yourself over and over

there's no such thing
as a space creature.

- Hi, Willie.
- Hi, Larr.

- I'm next.
- Uh..

You still have ten minutes
before your session. Come on in.

I don't wanna take up
any of your time.

- You mean, my time.
- Come on in.

In nine minutes,
I'm comin' in there.

Hey, Willie.
Whoa, whoa, what's that?

Hey, come on, what's that?

Hey, what brings you
to these parts, huh?

Oh, I don't know,
uh, nothing much.

I just happened to be
in the neighborhood and..

Gosh, I thought that
all psychologists had couches.

Well, I used to have one,
but I kept falling asleep on it.

Well, I guess, I, uh,
I guess I oughta be going.

No, well, why don't you
wait outside?

I'll finish this session and, uh

we can have lunch together.

Hey, Willie,
is everything alright?

Yeah.

- Anything on your mind?
- No, no.

- No problems at home?
- No, no.

Just the usual, you know,
nothing, nothing major

nothing, nothing really out of..

I have a creature
from outer space living with me.

Well, there's a lot
of that going around.

Sit down.

This is ALF.

It's not really a..
It's not a very good picture.

I know I should be..

I should really be thrilled
having someone

as extraordinary as
that living with me

but believe me,
it-it has its drawbacks.

Uh-uh, he's got some
wonderful qualities

I admit that, but he..

Uh, he can be, well...irksome.

'You know, one minute
he's explaining'

the mysteries of the universe
and the next minute

he's putting
fake vomit on my pillow.

I-I don't know anymore, Larry.

Uh, as a friend,
what do you think?

I think I want my couch back.

Well, Larry, there's really
no need for you to come over.

Come on, I wanna help.
I wanna help.

I'm a psychologist.
Anyway, I wanna meet this thing.

Alright, but..

...don't call him a-a thing.

He-he's really very sensitive.

You're talking about me,
aren't you?

No, we weren't.
No, we weren't.

That figures, nobody ever talks
about me, Dr. Dykstra

except me, and I have to
pay you to listen to it.

Oh, Brian, uh,
would you get ALF?

- I think he's in the garage.
- Okay.

I wanted to, uh,
sort of prepare ALF

a little before
Larry gets here.

Mm-hmm.

I think that ALF
will like Larry.

Well, I bet,
Larry'll like ALF.

This isn't a blind date.

Larry's coming over
here to observe

and to make suggestions

about how we can
better deal with ALF.

Oh, look, another
fly in the ice cube.

ALF's really getting
his money's worth

out of this joke kit.

Can you make this fast?

I'm in the middle
of drying fish.

Where?

Out on the back porch. Why?

I was just wondering.

ALF, we have
a little surprise.

Don't tell me you're serving
Lucky for dinner.

Because if you are
I want to rent a tux.

No, ALF, we're having
a guest over.

Oh, I get it,
and the surprise is

I have to stay
hidden all evening.

No, actually, the guest
is coming here to see you.

Uh-huh. I see.

- You do?
- Oh, sure.

You never let anyone
see me before

and suddenly you
invite someone over.

It's obvious what's happening.

This guy's from
the Alien Task Force.

You people are turning me in!

Oh, ALF, no, the man's
an old friend of mine.

He's a psychologist.

I assure you, you-you have
nothing to worry about.

Okay, let's eat.

Uh, no, no, I wanted to wait
until Larry gets here.

Well, is this guy always late?

No, he'll be here.
He'll be here any minute.

You're gonna have to chew
with your mouth closed tonight.

Alright. But on my planet
that's considered very rude!

People think you're
hiding something.

ALF, um, do you know
what a psychologist is?

Sure, I know
all about psychology.

I used to watch
the old "Bob Newhart Show."

So why is this guy Larry
coming over?

He's-he's going
to observe things.

- Observe things?
- Mm-hmm.

Like what?

Well, like how
the family, how..

How the family interacts

uh, how-how we
get along together.

Oh, what's he gonna do?
Put me under a microscope?

Analyze everything I say?

Ask me questions
about my childhood?

- Oh, no!
- ALF, calm down.

Right, right, calm, calm.

I'm calm.

Yeah, yeah,
Larry's not gonna think

I'm the crazy one.

- Uh, hi, Larry.
- Hi, Willie, how are you?

Hey, you're lookin' great.

Hi, Kate. Oh, my God!

I take it he's the alien?

Hiya, Larry.

Nice firm handshake
I've got there, huh?

Good sign, right?

ALF, don't kiss up.

Uh, Lynnie, why don't you
go check the pork chops?

Okay. Come on, Bri.

So, uh, what do you
think of our planet?

Oh, I like it a lot, Larry.

I just wish there was
more love and less war.

Not something
a psychotic would say, right?

- Oh, ALF.
- What?

So, uh, what's new
in your life, Larry?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Still packing them
four deep on the couch.

Four deep on the couch!

I think we get the point, ALF.

- Dinner's ready.
- Oh, good.

After a hearty laugh like that,
it's time for a hearty meal.

Every meal's
a hearty meal for ALF.

Wait till you see this guy eat.

Why don't we let our guest
sit at the head of the table?

My, aren't we polite,
all of a sudden.

Well, everything
looks lovely, Kate.

You've outdone yourself again.

Thank you.

Excuse me, but can
someone please pass me

the white boiled potatoes?

Did ALF say please?

Did ALF say pass?

Come on, Larry, chow down.

ALF loves to chow down.

I have a healthy appetite.

Nothing wrong with that,
is there?

No.

See, Willie?

I didn't say
anything was wrong.

I was just making a comment.

People don't just make comments,
they mean things by them.

Right, Larr?

ALF, please.

Just making some room
for the meal.

That's not something
one does at the dinner table.

I'm sorry, Larry.
Where are my manners?

You don't have any manners.

Well, you know,
in some countries

it's considered a compliment
if you burp after eating.

Oh, yes, yes.

Sometimes ALF can be
very, very complimentary.

So, Larr, what do you think
about this Nicaragua thing?

ALF, why are you talking
about Nicaragua?

We always discuss politics
at the table.

No, we never discuss politics
at the dinner table.

We discuss hair in the food

we discuss what appliances
you've broken.

I'm sorry, Larry,
this is really

this is not at all the way
ALF normally behaves.

Oh, how do I behave?

Well, generally, you do
disgusting, gross things.

Uh-uh, go on, then, show him.
D-do something disgusting.

Yeah, make milk come
through your nose.

Brian, don't encourage him.

Would you like some more
potatoes? They're very tasty.

He doesn't care about potatoes.
Show him the vomit.

Willie, please,
I'm trying to eat.

Honestly, Larry, it-it isn't
always quite like this.

I have a little exercise
that might work, guys.

It's called role reversal.

Now, Willie, you become ALF,
and ALF becomes Willie.

That sounds like a good idea.

Oh, I-I-I don't think so.

Afraid of a little
personal growth, perhaps?

No, I am not afraid. I just..
I-I think it's silly.

Come on, Willie, give it a try.
Larry knows what he's doing.

Yeah, come on, dad, ALF
does a great impression of you.

Oh, alright.
We wouldn't want to miss that.

Okay, since, uh,
since we're at the dinner table

let's just act like
we would at the dinner table

and we can start off by you,
Willie, being ALF.

Food, food, give me more food!

Oh, I haven't had a meal in,
oh, a half an hour.

Ha!

Oh, no, ALF. No, no.

No food for you.

You already ate last month.

No, no, no.
I don't sound like that.

Oh, come on, Willie,
you're doing fine.

- Come on, keep going.
- Alright.

I've finished my meal. Uh..

I guess I'll watch TV, while
everybody else does the dishes.

I think we watch enough TV
in this house.

We should do something
more stimulating.

I know, let's conjugate verbs.

No, how about..

How about we just break things?

Oh, no, no. That would be wrong.

Wro.. Wrong!

Alright, then,
how about if we, um

how about if we eat
the cat, then?

How ya doin', Lucky?

Sorry, household rule number 856

subsection D, paragraph two

"We do not eat the cat."

Uh, rules, schmules.
I hate rules.

I like.. I like anarchy.

Well, I don't
believe in anarchy.

It's much too spontaneous.

Oh, look, look how
late it's getting

and I still have
to lay out my clothes

for the rest of the year.

That's it. This isn't helping.

- I quit.
- I win.

ALF, there are no winners
in this thing.

- Well, I was ahead on points.
- That's not true.

Well, I think I've heard enough.

I mean, you guys obviously
don't get along, okay?

I-I think, uh,
ALF should move out.

- Move out?
- Move out?

What does he mean, move out?

Are you sayin' that ALF
should get a place of his own?

Well, that-that's crazy.
Do you know what rents are?

What am I talking about?

You can move in with me.
I've got an extra room.

ALF, you're not going anywhere.

Why not?

Because people
would find him out.

Why do you care?

Well, I don't want
anything to happen to him.

Uh-huh. You do care
what happens to ALF.

Well, of course I care.

I always did.

I-I-I just think that sometimes,
it seems that..

...that ALF doesn't care
a heck of a lot about me.

Not care?

Not care about the guy
who's protected me

and provided for me
for all these months?

You-you appreciated all of that?

Of course, I appreciate it.

Hey, if you got
a problem, let's talk.

I mean, if fake vomit's
not your cup of tea

I'll lose it.

Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that.

And, uh, in return,
I'll-I'll, uh..

...I'll-I'll really try
to be...more flexible.

Hey, see what a little
communication can do?

Well, I think we've all become
a little closer here.

We should toast this occasion.

That's a good idea.

Now, come on, dad, make a toast.

Well, uh..

Alright, uh, to, to, uh..

Communication.

Communication.

And to, uh, dribble glasses.

Ha!

Oh, hi, ALF.

Hi, Willie.

Night, ALF.

Night, Willie.