ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 19 - Wild Thing - full transcript

Just try it again. This time I'll get it.

- Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.
- Okay.

You're thinking of...

Florence Henderson.

I was thinking of a fork.

But wasn't her maiden name
Florence Fork?

Close enough.
All right, think of something else.

Okay.

You're thinking of...

the 1927 Yankees.

I'm still thinking of a fork.



But didn't one of their pitchers
throw a forkball?

- I don't know.
- Well, trust me, he did.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.

I wasn't going to.

Guess what? ALF can read our minds.

He's not reading mine at the moment.

Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring it.

He's teaching me metal telepathy.

I think you mean mental telepathy.

Maybe it is metal.
All he keeps thinking about is forks.

How To Develop Your Psychic
Awareness In One Afternoon.

- We sent away for it.
- Yeah.



Came with a pair
of these x-ray glasses.

You wasted good money
on a mind-reading kit?

We'll make it all back
with our stock-market picks.

ALF, you come from
an advanced civilization.

How can you be so gullible?

You're right. I'm ashamed.

Nice underwear, Kate.

Oh, good. Everyone's here.

- Where's Kate?
- In the shower.

Thanks.

- He wouldn't.
- He might.

He did.

Found her.

ALF, you don't walk
into other people's showers.

I didn't walk in.
I just pulled the curtain open.

I insist that you respect
my wife's privacy.

I didn't know
she was gonna be naked.

Don't you ever do that again.

All right, all right. We're moving on.

I need to have a family meeting here.

- ALF.
- They'll call back.

You do that again, you're a seat cover.

- Do what again?
- You know what.

ALF, that was very rude
hanging up the phone like that.

You're right. I'm sorry.

- You look a little different today.
- I know, I...

- Did you use to have a mustache?
- No, I got my braces off.

Yeah, but didn't you
use to have a mustache too?

ALF, what do you have to say
that's so important?

Today is March the 1st.

- You'd better not be finished.
- I wasn't.

Tomorrow is the 2nd.

- I'm calling Mindy back.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Come here. Come back here.

Every 75 years on March 2nd,
I go through a complex...

physiological and psychological
transformation.

- What?
- I go goofy.

All Melmacians go through it.

From sunrise to sunset...

my personality
will change dramatically.

How dramatic is this change?

One never knows till it happens,
but expect the unexpected.

Wildly erratic behavior...

personality shifts.

The main thing is that I'll do anything
to get out of that cage...

and get my hands on a cat.

Any questions?

- I have one.
- You in the tie.

What cage?

Oh, the cage you're gonna build for me.
The one with the reinforced sides.

Let me get this straight.

You're gonna act strange
and you're gonna eat cats.

- So, what's the change?
- It's a matter of degree.

Imagine ALF to the 10th power.

It boggles the mind.

- Excuse me, Willie.
- No, not now, ALF.

I'm trying to finish this cage.
Will you talk to me later?

When would be good
to tell you it's all wrong?

What's wrong with it?

Well, for one thing, it's too small.

I'm gonna need much more room
for writhing and thrashing.

Oh, ALF, you didn't say anything
about writhing and thrashing.

I thought it was a given.

Look, I found this photo album
in my spaceship.

I think there's a picture in here
of the last cage we built.

Yeah, here it is.

Well, that doesn't look anything
like what I've built.

- That's all iron and steel.
- Yeah.

And the inside is padded.

Well, I haven't got time now
to rebuild this whole cage.

Oh, look, that's my cousin, Kendall.

Step-cousin, actually.

- That's him with his first car.
- ALF.

Oh, look, here.
Here's my godson, Jed.

That must have been taken
at his hundredth birthday party.

- That's me on the pony.
- Oh.

- Say, you photograph very well.
- You know, I never thought so.

Look, ALF, what if I just try
to reinforce what I've got here?

Good idea.

Mr. Ochmonek. He's on his way over.

Come on, ALF.
Get in here. Hide, quick.

But I like Sinatra.
Especially the early years.

- Move it.
- It's dark in there.

-Go. -Oh...

Trevor.

- So you dig the Chairman too, huh?
- The Chairman?

Oh, yes, of the board. Yes, yes.

I'm quite fond of his work.
Especially the early years.

Tell me about it.

- What, are you shipping a monkey?
- No, no, no. No monkey. No, no.

I'm just building a little storage shed.

Because I need a little storage.

Yeah, I've been trying to get Raquel
to build one for months.

Ho-ho-ho!

Hey. Hey, Trevor,
can I ask you a little favor?

Sure, neighbor.

Well, you know, Kate and I
are having our house sprayed for...

uh...

silverfish.

I just wondered
if it would be all right...

if you guys could watch our cat?

Oh, well, Raquel's allergic to cats.
Her feet swell up.

All the Pitzer sisters have it.

Well, gee, then never mind.

You know what?
He could stay with me in the bedroom.

Raquel could sleep on the couch.

- I couldn't ask her to do that.
- I could.

Don't worry about it.

Raquel and I were just saying
the other day...

We never see
you and Mrs. T anymore.

Well, Kate and I have been
up to our necks with ALF... alfa.

- Alfalfa.
- Alfalfa?

Yeah, Kate planted all this...

alfalfa.

That's why we got all those new tools
we gotta put in our new tool shed.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised...

if it was the alfalfa...

that caused the silverfish.

Excuse me.

- Is everything in there?
- Yes.

Pillow, owl costume
and hash brown potatoes.

You didn't drain the grease, did you?

No. Oh, and your Danish postcards
are in there too.

Danish postcards?

They're pictures of Danishes.

Well, I guess it's that time.

- Good luck, ALF.
- Thanks, Brian.

Now, remember, Willie...

you are not, I repeat, not to let me
out of here under any circumstances.

- Is that clear?
- Yes.

Good.

Good. Now, let me out.
I have to use the little aliens' room.

Oh, sure.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

Didn't I just say not to open this door
under any circumstances?

Well, I thought...

I thought you really had to go.

You have a lunatic on your hands here.

You've gotta be prepared
for all kinds of diabolical tricks.

Okay, okay.

You know, maybe I should go
just to be on the safe side.

- Forget it.
- Good.

You're finally catching on.

Now... Now, let me out. I have to go.

No, no.

Maybe he's in pain.

- That's just another one of his tricks.
- Help.

Help, fire. Somebody let me out.

He's lying.

Oh. There's a big rat in here.

Badly.

Mom, Dad, get me out of here.

- Lynnie, that sounded just like you.
- Wow, he's really good.

Excuse me, but this is really weird.
I can't watch.

Wait for me. Wait for me.

Did I say that?

Brian, you better go to your room.
This could get out of hand.

This could get out of hand.

He's good. He's very, very good.
Mm-hm.

He's almost as good as Rich Little.

Can Rich Little do this?

Can Rich Little do this?

- Stop.
- Stop. Stop.

It's gonna be a long night.

Yo, B. Brian.

- Where are you going?
- To get some milk.

Oh, yeah, that would sure hit the spot.

- Hey, come here.
- I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Not talk to your old buddy?

You don't have to be afraid. It's over.

I'm back to my old self.
Come on, let me out.

- You said not until sunrise.
- Brian, it's me.

The old ALFer.

The guy that taught you
how to read minds.

In fact, I know what you're thinking
right now.

What?

That you wanna let your old pal
out of this cage, right?

No, I was thinking of a fork.

Beep.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's my alarm.

It's sunrise. You can let me out now.

- But it's still dark.
- Not on Melmac.

See, that's the time we go by.

So I made it. Open up.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure, I'm sure.

- Open up. I'm hungry.
- Okay.

Oh. Thanks. Oh, hey,
would you check in that cage?

I left my hash brown bucket in there.

Ha! Ha!

ALF, why are you
locking me in this cage?

Sorry, kid, I need a head start.

Save me some hash browns.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Mom, Dad.

Mom, Dad, let me out.

- Oh, boy, he does a good Brian.
- You'd hardly know it was ALF.

- It's me. It's really me.
- Nice try.

Honey... Honey, maybe it is Brian.

But that can't be. Brian's in bed.

Brian?

- What?
- Not you.

- Brian?
- What?

I'll go check his room.

Honey. Honey, it looks just like Brian.

Maybe ALF can change his shape too.

No, he can't. It's me.

All right. All right,
if you're really Brian...

what's your favorite food?

- Spaghetti.
- That's ridiculous.

No, no, no, that is his favorite food.

- I thought Lynn liked spaghetti.
- No.

- No?
- No.

He's not back there.

Say, what's your favorite food?

I don't know. White boiled potatoes.

- I thought you liked spaghetti.
- It's all right.

- All right?
- It's fine.

Willie.
Willie, I'm going to open this cage.

No, no. Wait.

What's your mother's maiden name?

What's a maiden name?

Well, you know, it's the name
that she had before she was married.

- Kate.
- No, her other name.

- Her last name.
- Halligan.

Oh...

Brian, honey.

- Are you all right?
- What happened to ALF?

I let him go.

- Oh, honey.
- I'll go check out back.

Brian, why?

He told me the change was over.

- I'm really sorry.
- Oh, honey, it's all right.

But what were you doing up
in the middle of the night?

I thought I wanted some milk.

Maybe it was ALF
trying to call me in my mind.

No, I don't think so, Brian.

The gate to the Ochmoneks'
is wide open.

Oh, no. Lucky's over there.

I'm gonna go next door
and see if ALF is there.

You stay here in case he comes back.

Oh, well, you'd both
better go back to bed.

- I can't sleep now.
- I'm hungry.

All right, all right.

We'll stay up and have a snack.
What would you like?

- Spaghetti.
- White boiled potatoes.

Hey., Raquel.

Raquel.

Oh. Oh, was I snoring again?

I'm coming, I'm coming.
Keep your shorts on.

Who could that be
at this time of night?

Probably the airport
asking you to keep it down.

All right, all right, all right.

- Hey, Tanner.
- Trevor.

- Hi. Hi, Raquel.
- Hello, Willie.

I'm sorry to bother you
this late at night...

but I just came over...

I was hoping I could get Lucky.

- I mean Lucky, our cat.
- Oh.

- At this time of night?
- Well, we were worried about him.

It's his first night away from home.

Yeah, I had a feeling.
Raquel, get the cat.

I can't go near that cat.
You know it makes my feet swell.

Oh, yeah.
Then you'd be wearing my shoes again.

I'll get the cat.

- I'm sorry, Raquel.
- That's all right.

Willie, can I get you something?

I just bought one of those
international coffees.

- No.
- Something without caffeine?

I mean no to the...

No, I don't need
anything from the kitchen.

I can't find the little fella anywhere.

Hey, what's going on in the kitchen?

ALF.

How long do you preheat these
for a cat?

Give me that.

What's so funny?

This toaster oven.

Is it a toaster, or is it an oven?

Why are you holding it?

Haven't you ever felt the need
just to hold something?

I just found the strangest thing.

An open can of minestrone
in the kitchen.

- Oh, that was probably the cat.
- Your cat opens tin cans?

It's amazing, I know.
We're trying to get him on Letterman.

That better not be my cologne.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

ALF, we're going home.

- I want that cat.
- No.

All right. Who needs him?
There are a million cats out there.

- Give me your car keys.
- ALF, we're gonna go home right now.

No. Hal

Ooh!

He broke my glass eye.

- I'll buy you another one.
- You got that right.

Raquel, that sounds like
your riding mower.

- Oh, no.
- Hey.

Where are you going
with my toaster oven?

Unit 6,
treed cat at 13145 Julio Street.

What? "Hulio” Street?

I hate this town.

- Where was that again?
- 13145 Julio Street.

Oh, no.

- I should have seen this coming.
- What?

We're running out of those little flags.

Unit 9, proceed to 105th and Decker.

Investigate break-in
at Pete's House 'O' Pelts.

Well, here's 105th and Decker.

Look, Dad,
it's nowhere near Julio Street.

- ALF can't be doing all those things.
- You're right, of course.

How far could he get
on a lawn mower?

All units in the vicinity,
proceed to County Zoo.

Investigate the report
of a missing tiger.

Oh, my gosh, ALF.

Even ALF would have more sense...

than to kidnap a tiger.

Yeah, you're right.

Lynnie, let's drive around
the neighborhood one more time.

- See if we can find him.
- But what if he's got the tiger?

Then he won't be hard to spot.

Hey, where are you guys off to
at 4 in the morning?

Oh. Just going out for a drive.

Hey, keep an eye out
for Raquel's lawn mower, huh?

Say, Trevor, speaking of eye out...

I'm really sorry
about what happened to your...

Hey, forget about it.
I got a drawer full of them.

Listen.

I know we don't talk much, and this
may not be the right time, but...

I'm not a happy man.

One, two, three, firm that tummy.

You can't hit the beaches
if you can't see your feet. Three...

- No luck?
- Nope.

We did find the lawn mower, though.

Oh, good, I won't have to
buy Raquel a new one.

You will if you can't get
the bonsai trees out of the blade.

Anything on the police scanner?

Just a couple of domestic spats.

One of them was at the Ochmoneks'.

Brian? Honey, you have a headache?

No, I'm thinking of a fork.

I'm trying to get ALF back.

Metal telepathy.

I'm the one who let him get away.
I've gotta make him come back.

Honey, he'll come back when he can.

- If he can.
- Lynn.

By now, his 12 hours are up.
I'm sure he's come out of it.

He might not know where he is.
Something terrible could've happened.

Let's just try to think positively
about this, okay?

I'm sure that he'll be home soon.

And he never misses
Captain Kangaroo.

- ALF!
- Oh.

Excuse me,
but do you good people have a fork?

The mind reading worked.

- Oh...
- Oh, ALF.

ALF, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

- Why do you ask?
- We were so worried.

- Where were you?
- Out.

Well, do you think this thing
has run its course now?

To quote Yogi Berra,
"It ain't over till it's over."

There's still one more stage.

Well, what stage is that?

Quoting people.

And as Mercutio said,
"All's well that ends well."

No, no, no. Mercutio said:

'Tis not so deep as a well,
but "tis enough," twill serve.

- Oh, right.
- Mm-hm.

But to err is human, to forgive, divine.

Plutarch, I believe.

Well, at least you recovered.

- Sort of.
- Yeah.

Or as Marcel Proust said:

"We are healed of suffering
only by experiencing it to the full."

Or was it Marcel Marceau?

No, that couldn't be right.

Marcel Marceau said:

Or in the words of Dustan:

"It ill becomes us
to jest at a fallen potentate...

and still less before he has fallen."

Say, how much longer
are you gonna do this?

Well, if I may quote Porky Pig:

"That's all, folks."

And speaking of Porky...

- do I smell bacon?
- No.

Well, I'd like to.

I thought you spent the whole night
eating...

Eating cats.

I don't think I did.
At least, I don't feel bloated.

But now that you mention cats...

I do remember
storing something in the garage.

The garage? You, this way.

If you've stolen any cats,
they're going back immediately.

- You understand?
- No problem.

I'll... I'll take him back
right after breakfast.