ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 18 - Border Song - full transcript

ALF is now into gardening, which means he's turned over the entire Tanner backyard. Willie has a problem at work: a lost Mexican boy is at his office and Willie is trying to track down his father. When that fails, and Willie's boss couldn't care less about helping the boy, Willie has no option but to bring the boy home.

- Manure.
- What?

Add manure to your grocery list.


So you won't forget it.

I mean, why do you

To spread on my...carrots.

Use butter, like everybody else.

No, it's for my garden.

My crops aren't
doing very well.

I forgot to prime the soil
with manure before I planted.

Oh, isn't it too late for that?

It's never too late for manure.

That would make
a nice bumper sticker.

If this works out,
I may expand.

Maybe plant some cotton..

...or, in the winter, wool.

Expand? You've already
torn up the whole backyard.

I can't help it.

I mean, I'm really
into this gardening thing.

I love spending time
in the sun..

...feeling the earth..

...nurturing new life
from the soil.

Well, I'm glad you enjoy it.

I also like eating the bugs.

'Uh, hola, uh, yo deber..'

'Uh, oh, wait a minute.'

What? You speak English?

Why didn't you say so?

No, I don't think
that's funny.

Never mind, uh,
I'm with, I'm with

the Social Services Department
of Los Angeles County.

I'm trying to find a man
named Fredo Mancia.

He's a farmer,
he-he-he lives near San Felipe.

I-I've got his son here.

Yes, I'll hold.

Uh, those-those are my kids.

Uh, uh, ninos.
Uh, Br-Brian and Lynn.


- Can I go home now?
- No.

Uh, Lynn is, uh, uh, 17,
Brian is, uh, siete.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Scott.

Why can't I go home?
Everybody else is going home.

Well, Ms. Wine, I'm sorry
this is taking so long

but we're trying
to help this boy.

He's alone, he's frightened

he doesn't speak any English

and if I'm gonna put him
alone on a bus back to Mexico

I wanna be sure there's gonna
be somebody there to meet him.

In other words, you don't care
what traffic's like

this time of night.

Listen, why don't you, why don't
you go downstairs, get..

See if you can
get him a soda.

Sure, then why don't I take him
to the basketball game?

Oh, why don't you take him
to the roller derby?

He could watch you play.

The pop machine
takes two quarters.

You know, this job
is not my whole life.

In case you care, my life starts
when I walk out that door.

Mine perks up
at exactly the same moment.

Yes, I'm here.
I-I-I'm here. I'm still holding.

Uh, why is that funny?

Never mind, just hurry,
please, please.

Tanner, unless that boy
is now in our employ

I wanna know
why he's still here.

Uh, Warren, I'm on the phone
with, uh, San Felipe.

- I'm-I'm just about to...
- Waste of time.

Just call the Youth Authority,
they'll have him picked up.

They'll put him
on the 6 o'clock bus for home.

I'm gonna have this
whole thing straightened out

in exactly one minute.

Just wrap it up now and move on.

'Yes, I'm still here.'

Ha-have you found anyone
who knows

uh, anything about
Fredo Mancia?

You have? Great.

He's gone? Gone where?

Well, somebody must..

I'm s..

I'm sorry too.

It's a deal.

Good news, Kate.

- I just saved us five bucks.
- How?

I ordered the manure
by the truckload.

That's exactly
how you'll send it back.

Here, ALF. I have to go back
for the onions.

Wait, wait.
Is this all we've got?

We should have used
more manure.

Great. Dust Bowl '87.

'Well, what's wrong?'

There are not many of them

but they're
perfectly fine yams.

Mom, that's eggplant.

It's corn!

You know, it's really weird.

None of the other plants
will grow

but we have enough zucchini
to fill a warehouse.

It's weirder than you think.

I didn't plant zucchini.

Oh, I'm sure things
will get better, ALF.

Gardening's tougher
than it looks.

Yeah? Well, it'd be
a heck of a lot easier

if it weren't for Bob Barker.

- Bob Barker?
- Yeah.

He comes into my garden at night
and digs up the plants.

The game show host?

Mom, Bob Barker
is the Ochmoneks' dog.

Oh, the Chihuahua.

Are Chihuahuas fast?

ALF, put that claw down.

Fine. I'll use quicksand.

I'll get it.


ALF, put Kate on.

Hey, Kate.
I'm the King of France.

Never mind.
I-I'm going to be a little late.


- Who was that?
- Sounded like Willie.

- What did he say?
- He said he was gonna be late.

- Did he say why?
- What am I, the desk clerk?

Hotel Tanner.

Oh, hey, we were
just talking about you.

Don't hang up.
I have to talk to Kate.

There's something
I have to tell her.

Hey, is this about
why you can't come home?

Are you hiding something?

You got a little chippy
on the side?

I'm taking a Mexican boy
to catch his bus.

Oh, that's original.

Kate, you gotta hear this.
Pick up.

Honey, what's the problem?

Uh, there's a boy here
who's got to get back to Mexico.

I can't, I can't
reach his family

I don't wanna just abandon him

so I-I'm gonna take him down
and put him on the bus myself.

- Well, I understand, honey.
- Kate, you're buying that?

Why are you still on the phone?

- Hang up.
- In a second.

I want to hear the joke
about the kid with no family.

This is not a joke.

Th-the boy has a family.
He has a father.

I just..
I can't find him. That's..

Why am I talking to you?

I don't know. You called.

Kate, I'll be home
a little later.

Okay? Bye-bye.

Goodbye, honey.

Hey, hey, Willie,
there's one thing

I'm still not clear about.

Are you or are you not
getting some action on the side?



He's probably not.

Whoa! Don't give him those!

I'm telling you, Brian

the three-point shot
is ruining this game.

Dad, wanna watch the game
with us?

No. ALF...go in the kitchen.

I can't.
I've got money on this game.

You can read
about the game tomorrow..

Y-you bet on basketball games?

Just college.
Only a fool bets on the pros.

Hey, Kate, you owe me
for the Celtics game.


I thought the Celtics
were a lock.

Bird was out,
McHale had a sprained ankle.

Uh, could you just.. Could you
set another plate for supper?

- Well, o-of course, but...
- ALF, go!

- Hi, dad.
- Ugh!

How come you're home so soon?

Well, it appears that...
somebody missed his bus.


this is Luis Mancia.

Luis, this is, uh, everybody.

This is Kate, uh,
this is Senora Tanner.

- Uh, this is...
- Lynn.

Have we met?

He saw your picture.
Your school picture on my desk.

Oh, dad, you know
I hate that picture.

I wish you wouldn't
show it to people.

Well, what-what's
the matter with it?

I look like
the village idiot.

Honey, you don't look anything
like the village idiot.

People, people.

Luis, this is Brian.


Luis, it's very good
to have you here.

Luis doesn't speak
any English, Kate.

- Mi casa su casa.
- Gracias.

Luis is gonna
stay over here tonight.

Great, he can have my room

and I'll sleep
in the laundry room with...



I think, uh, the couch will be
fine. I think..


can sleep in the garage.


Brian, why don't
you show Luis

where he can, uh,
wash up for dinner?


Come on, Luis.

Well, uh..

...something tells me that, uh,
nobody knows he's here, do they?

- Not exactly.
- You stole a kid?

I borrowed one.

Just for 24 hours,
just until I can find his dad.

- Honey, what happened?
- I honestly don't know, Kate.

I was at the last stop light
right before the bus station

and instead of turning right,
I turned left onto third

and I sort of got on the freeway
and then I sort of came home.

I thought you couldn't turn left
on third. It's one-way.

Well, not after 4 o'clock.

ALF, why.. What difference
does it make to you?

What difference does it make?

Hah! I'm not driving
with you anymore.

I'll get the rest of that later.

Bob Barker.

Die, scurvy dog!

Dios mio!

What are you doing here?

Shh! Keep it down, will ya?



Melmac. Kaboom!

Never mind.

I knew I heard something.
Look, he's gone.

Oh, no, I hope
he didn't run away.

Listen. Do you hear voices?


Bob Barker.

"The Price Is Right?"

- He's outside.
- Oh, no.

I didn't even know
he knew Spanish.

Well, it's very close
to French.

Are you sure?

- Well, I-I'll keep trying.
- Oh.

Thank you, thank you
for your help.


I've tried
every agency in Mexico

that might be able
to find Fredo Mancia.

You sure you don't
wanna waste any more time?

I mean, so far I've only missed
my break and my lunch.

I bought you your lunch.

Oh, many thanks
for the hot dog.

Remind me to have a kid
so I can name him after you.

Don't reproduce on my account.

Maybe I should never leave.

Maybe I should sleep here
at night too.

That's a good idea.

We wouldn't need
the Doberman pinschers.

I don't know
why I'm helping you.

Just watch. We'll get caught,
and I'll take the fall.

Ms. Wine..

...I truly hate to compromise
your high moral position..

...but if you think
this boy doesn't deserve

our help, then go!


Just heard a funny story.

Seems your, uh, Mexican kid
missed his bus yesterday.

That's the kind of thing
that can cost somebody his job.

That is a funny story.

Hey, I'm a fair man,
right, Tanner?

- Um...
- Well, I used to be.

Well, I can be.

For now, I'll assume
this is a clerical error.

Told you I'd take the rap.

Right now it's 5:30.

If your kid misses today's bus

I promise you an investigation.

Thank you.
Hold, please.

Unless I need a note
from my mother

I'm going to the ladies' room.

- Pick up line one.
- I-I can't take any calls.

You're not taking,
you're placing.

An old boyfriend of mine,
whom I now hate

lives in Cuernavaca
and he sells equipment

to all the farmers around there.

If anybody will know
about this Mancia guy, he will.

I, I don't know
how to thank you.

Just try not to embarrass
the whole country.

And tell him
I want my albums back.

Uh, hello.
You-you don't know me.

Uh, my name is Willie Tanner.
I'm in Los Angeles.

I'm trying to locate a farmer
named Fredo Mancia.

They told me he moved..
He-he what?

Hey, guys.
How about a little break?

Brian, get out
the Slip 'N Slide.

Not yet. We're not done.

I've been thinking.

Isn't there
some government program

that pays you not to grow crops?

Weeds. Mala hierba.

Weeds. Mala hierba.

Hey, hey!
Hold it, hold it.

These aren't weeds.

I think it's my spinach.

Weeds. Mala hierba.


I better tell your mom
to hold off on that salad.

Mom, be honest, okay?

How much longer
do we have to eat zucchini?

Well, assuming you take some
when you go away to college..

- Hi, honey.
- 'Hi.'

Well, what-what happened
with Luis' father?

- We've been waiting to hear.
- I know.

Lynn, uh, go get Luis, will you?

Sure. He's in ALF's garden.

Oh, you didn't find him,
did you?

Yes, I did.

Well, that's wonderful.

Uh, Ms. Wine, uh,
contacted an old boyfriend

she had in Mexico
and he-he knew.

I'm amazed.

No, she helps me sometimes.

No, I'm amazed
she had a boyfriend.

Dad, what happened?

Your dad found Luis' father.

Where'd you find him, dad?

Uh, I think we should let
Luis answer that question.


You better tell him.

No, no! No comprendo!
No comprendo!

You comprende.

Come on, it's time
to come clean.

Luis. Come here.

My dad is in Riverside.

He has a job
in a carpet factory.

You speak English?

It's hard to fake words
like "Carpet factory."

Luis' father
had a farm in Mexico

and when it went under,
he got a work permit

and he moved to Riverside.

Luis, I've-I've spoken
to your father.

He's-he's so happy to hear
that you're safe.

He's on his way over here now
to pick you up.

No! He'll make me stay.
You ruined it!

I almost
got to go home on a bus

but you ruined everything!

Luis, you want to go back?

Yes, my friends are there

I can work,
I have a place to live.

I don't wanna stay here.

But, Luis, your father
wants you here.

You can't make me stay!


If I may interject here...

I think that I'm capable
of handling this.

This is my job, you know.

Come on, Willie.

He's not gonna
listen to you.

You're the one
who found his father.

Do you think you can
handle this any better?

Well, maybe.

Luis and I
have become very close.

- We've tilled together.
- Alright.

- We've mulched.
- I know.

- We've hoed.
- Alright.

- We've sprinkled.
- 'Alright!'

Alright. Talk. Talk.

In private, please.

Well, shall we all go
and sit out on the front porch?

Well, it is a nice day.

ALF, maybe you and Luis
could go into the kitchen.

Come on, Luis.
Let's go for a little..

How do you say
confab in Spanish?

- Confab.
- Huh!

So, otherwise
how was your day?

ALF, you have to help me.
I gotta get out of here.

Calm down. Take a seat.
Let's talk.

I don't wanna sit down!
I wanna get out!

I wanna get away!

Luis, let me ask you something.

You came here when? November?

November 28.

Well, I've been here
a lot longer than that

and I'm still
getting used to it.

You have to give
the place a chance.

But I don't know anybody here.

You know me.
We became friends right away.

You tried to hit me with a hoe.

Alright, it was a rocky start.

But, but we tilled together..

...we mulched..

...we hoed...we sprinkled..


But...I don't know
how to figure things out.

Ah, you pick it up
here and there.

What you don't know,
you guess at.

I still haven't figured out
the words to "Louie Louie."

- Have you?
- Yes.

Well, see?
You're one up on me already. Ha!

If I stay in Riverside,
will you come and visit?

Probably not.
But, hey!

There's no reason
why you can't drop by here

once in a while
and visit me.

Although, call first.

I may be in the shower.

Luis, your father's here.

Well, you comin' over
next Sunday or not?

You can help me
harvest the jicama.

I hate jicama.

So don't eat.

I like hamburgers.

Then bring the mustard.

No problema.

And don't forget
our little secret.

I don't exist.

Who'd believe me?


Hasta la vista.

I'm sorry, Mr. Tanner.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

Oh, Luis...before you go

could I ask you
a big, big favor?


Will you take
some zucchini, please?

I didn't plant zucchini.

Go. Yeah.

ALF, we have to talk.

Just a second.

Easy shot! Hah!

That's exactly why
the Martians are extinct.

What is this?

"Space Invaders."

What do they do?
Crash into your garage?

Eat all your food?
Dig up your yard?

You're in a mood.

Yes, I am.

Because I found my good hoe
in this condition.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I was plowing up my garden

and I hit a water main.

Don't worry. It wasn't yours.

So you're giving up gardening?

Not giving it up.
Just switching crops.

Oh, to what?



Hey, I think I know that guy.