ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 12 - Oh, Tannerbaum - full transcript

morning Willie your uncle Doug is dead

Doug's been dead for two years I know

so stop sending him Christmas cards Oh

Willie yeah I want you to see this look

here the very first Christmas card we

ever got from our good friends at the

gas company oh that was a good first

Christmas wasn't it

we relaxed we we stayed in bed late and

was too cold to get up our friends of

the gas company turned off the heat as I



recall we we weren't in any big hurry to

get up anyway hmm

Merry Christmas

you know when we're awake it's the day

before Christmas I've hidden all the

eggs we hide eggs at Easter not at

Christmas oh that's right

Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin

you do get these holidays straightened

out I think I'll just go make breakfast

not necessary

I already made breakfast sloppy joes and

fiber glass I'll just go find the eggs

why did you make us breakfast because of



the list what list

Santa's you know the fat guy that

dresses in velvet I found out that he

watches everything you do right sit down

and if you're naughties outnumber your

nice is you don't get toys so you made

us breakfast yeah hurt oh oh and I've

got another surprise for you yeah what

have you done I don't want to spoil the

surprise

ow you cut our tree in the firewood

you're welcome

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all right let me see if I've got this

reindeer thing straight there's uh

there's Dasher dancer comet Cupid

Matthew Mark Luke and John

no it's Prancer dancer vixen Blitzen

Huey Dewey and Louie then how do they

pull the slip okay

the lights are ready no all we need is a

tree well your dad should be here with

the new one soon taking him so long oh

you know your father he has to find just

the perfect tree well I hope he makes it

back before it snows it's gonna snow no

it's not sure it is it always snows at

Christmas I saw it on TV all the stuff

floats down and covers the whole town

and people go sledding and make snowmen

then Santa slides in on a rotary shaver

Wow

it doesn't snow in this part of the

state wait a minute I saw snow on mr.

T's Christmas special and they tape in

Burbank that was fake snow well that's

it for Christmas Alf it is possible to

have Christmas without snow I don't want

to talk about it let's move on to New

Year's mom I found another egg thank you

got them all all but that one I swear

here's one more

and the one in the philodendron

oh hi I'm sorry I'm late the box let me

just explain it why are you holding eggs

didn't you get a tree oh no I mean yes I

I mean yes let's start with a simple

question what's your name please let me

try to explain this my way you see I

went to every lot in town I found lots

empty wats except one where this man

named fuck he had just this one tree

left so where is it

he was auctioning it off to the highest

bidder I dropped out when the price got

to $100 oh my cried and we have no tree

we have a tree we have a Christmas tree

and it's right here behind the books

it's in the box a fake tree it's a

lifelike simulated tree yes what do you

do just add water

no we put it together together yeah

it'll be a fun family project and it

comes to the can of simulated snow if

you'd gotten two cans we could have made

a simulated snowman

125 what does that mean $125 that's the

price it's my math way off or is that

more than you would have paid the heat

it's more but it's less I'm talking to

Carnac it's more now but it will be less

because you see this tree is guaranteed

for 25 years now if you amortize that

over the whole period that's just that's

just five dollars a year so we're gonna

be stuck with this thing for over a

quarter of a century when you see it

assemble it'll be fine you'll see

I agree I think a fake tree is fine and

I'm with Lynn it doesn't matter what

kind of tree it is a tree is just a

symbol right right what's a symbol he

agrees well this whole thing stinks if

you ask me nobody's asking you well I'm

not waiting for an invitation first you

drop the fake snow on me then you come

waltzing in here with this miserable

excuse for a tree may I remind you it

was you who chopped up our real tree I

knew you'd bring that up hey you want me

to get rid of him how's that caroling

then why are they singing

well I don't see why not let's all go oh

yeah sure let me just know you know what

I want to stay here and and assemble the

tree I'll catch up with you at the

manger by the gas station I don't want

you to miss the care I'm not gonna miss

the caroling Oh No this tree isn't gonna

take long to put together and then we'll

all decorate when you get back ok bosz

we'll see you there ok you're really

gonna let Brian go caroling sure why not

well I'm melmac caroling was definitely

not for children how come well you'd

have to know Carol

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excuse me would you mind some

constructive criticism yes I would

why don't you read the instructions

they're in Japanese

then I'll read them what does it say in

English so you weren't able to buy a

real tree just skip to the instruction

part step 1

paint the trunk green paint not included

let's see I'll be able to handle this

myself

alright pretend I'm not here

just like I'm doing with that tree look

at that 4 inches of snow and Clayton

Georgia oh darn I'll have to tape it 12

inches in Buffalo I should have bought a

real tree it's only once a year I could

have paid them money Wow six inches of

snow in the Angeles for not as no more

real trees the lots are closed the

Angeles forest yeah they have snow

everyone had snow but the Tanners no

house we used to go there Kate and I we

used to go there every year to a tree

farm we cut down our own tree alfe

that's the answer it's only an hour away

I know the exact spot I can cut down a

tree surprised the family yeah and

they've got snow let's go what do you

mean

let's hey you're not gonna deny me the

one chance I'll ever have to see snow

are ya oh I guess it's Christmas Eve if

there's no one on the road why not

great I'll warm up the car I'll just

leave a note

wait you're not warming up the car no no

you get the chainsaw fill it with gas no

problem what am I saying

the spot where you used to cut your tree

have you been there in person or just in

your mind we would have found the spot

long ago if I'd been holding the map

this place is barely on the map I think

we just passed the Donner Party we'll

find a spot we'll find it soon

it's been two hours by now the family

will be worried sick about me what do

you want to go home yes I mean I haven't

even seen that snow you promised just

mud I never promised snow you did oh

yeah

you promised trees all right you win

we'll turn her into the next Road we'll

go home I'll work in the plastic tree

until it's finished

great we'll have Christmas in March

let's produce okay but all right there's

uh there's a road coming up right now

where uh up ahead where oh there it is

now turn here quick are you soon as the

younger ones right here I'm sure a buzz

right yep

no wait

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fine now we're stuck if I'm not home

before Santa gets there I'll sue you

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Willie

ah anybody where are they I don't know

see I told you this sucks got a look

I'm sure dad isn't finished with it yet

I wonder where they are

there we go oh they went to cut down a

real tree mom they've been gone a long

time

they went to McConnell's tree farm you

know we used to cut our Christmas tree

down there every year yes we got lost

there every year - knock knock guess who

mr. Armani how is everybody

oh well actually we're we're we're fine

Trevor come on thanks Kate Oh Merry

Christmas

Merry Christmas Trevor gosh I love this

holiday goodwill visiting with the

neighbors sharing a little eggnog

sharing a little eggnog would you like

some eggnog mr. AK Manik if it's not too

much trouble I'll get you some a heavy

on the brandy

I know place looks great

oh thank you beautiful decorations

stockings hung by the chimney with care

what the hell is this it's a Christmas

tree I thought it was a coat rack

finished putting it together so where is

the old man he's in the woods you mean

like a religious thing pilgrimage well

he brought home this artificial

Christmas trees so you kicked them out

no he went to cut down a real one in

that case I'll have another eggnog hold

the eggnog this time I now

okay I put the board in the wheel and

I'm gonna push so when I say now you'll

release the brake and press the

accelerator okay know what release the

brake and president seller ater okay

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well thank you now we're completely

stuck how long till spring this is just

terrible stranded Christmas Eve

yeah this would never happen to Sonny

Crocket what it wouldn't he has a car

phone he can call for help

I'd love to do that oh I'd love to be

Superman then I could fly out of here

well now you're being silly

a whisker for your thoughts on Mel Mac

that's how you get someone opened up oh

I was just thinking about its being

Christmas I'm not having it free it

sounds like it's gonna be sentimental

but if I turn on some music now going

huh I don't know even when I was a kid I

think the most important thing was that

we have that tree a real tree my dad

used to bring a home on Christmas Eve

they all decorated the whole family with

all pitching me and my brother my uncle

dog incidentally my condolences

you know sometimes there wasn't enough

money to buy presents but the lowest was

that tree a real tree we keep that tree

up until every last needle was gone I

remember one fourth of July and if I

switch on to the ball game you just you

don't get it real sure I do

I'm just trying to keep from crying

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let's just sit here and be quiet okay

okay

being quiet waiting patiently saying

nothing Alger uncle Doug died he was

talking too much and somebody hit him

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right back to quiet will just sit here

and listen to the mud

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Oh mother everything looks so beautiful

yeah I can't wait for dad to get here

with the tree so we can decorate

together like we do every year nothing

is as much fun without him as it is with

him oh yes he's an excellent husband and

father now I'll get the door no let me

why don't we all go beautiful tree Oh

dad it's even more beautiful than last

year oh you really outdid yourself thank

you

wherever did you get it I he'd give it

to me absolutely free is such a nice man

now we can decorate it great two perfect

kids a beautiful wife a big tree could

anyone want more I agree it really is a

wonderful life how could it not be I

mean it's not like we've got an alien

living with us or anything why would you

say a thing like that oh I don't know

Brian why didn't you get the cranberries

and popcorn

I'll get the tinsel Brian don't forget

the star

oh excuse me dear but doesn't the tree

lean a little bit too much to the left

oh I don't think so it looks fine to me

well it's not fine to me not fine at all

I'd better call the tree repairman

operator get me the tree repairmen tree

wrap em I don't think there's any such

thing as her he's on his way maybe

that's him now

but we don't need any tree repairman oh

so you got a leaner there oh my god

it's him okay don't touch the treat

relax pal I'll only be a minute what are

you doing here this is my dream you

can't be in it huh whoops here hold this

get away from my treat

uh here we go lady I found the problem

with your tree it's a fake fake tree

Willy you should be ashamed it's not a

fake I mean it wasn't until he got here

look at I'm perfect Christmas it's

unraveling what's he whining about now

he bought a fake tree that figures why

are you dressed like that

my boy friends are coming by to get me

so I don't have to help decorate the

synthetic stump you're ruining my dream

I can't fix this here I'm gonna have to

take it into the shop

my mom I'm leaving for some unnamed

Central American country but Brian I

thought we were gonna decorate the dream

later dad I'm off to stem the tide of

communism

that'll be my lover

you're ready to go babe don't wait up

this is your fuck your tree should be

ready around Easter but call first

here's your stuff

you're not taking my tree my treat you

want my treat oh my tree I want my three

lighten up Willie you got it

what's going on here nothing I just

loaded a tree into the car where did you

get it think Willie where do we get

trees you wander the woods cut down this

tree for me isn't that what we came here

for oh I I don't know what to say

well you better say it quick there's a

forest ranger headed this way he must

have heard the chainsaw

at least we're going to get help and

we're going to get home and we're going

to get find Willie Willie look it's snow

I finally get to see snow Merry

Christmas elf

Merry Christmas Willie yes

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this is great Bryant it's forgiving I

exams right

it's sylvester & tweety ha I can't die

what a great Christmas yeah and we ended

up with a really beautiful tree it

should be

it cost me three hundred sixty seven

dollars what with the fine I'm towing a

small price to pay for keeping a poor

boys dream alive oh I almost forgot a

few tokens from the old alpha will you

got us presents oh you can't shop this

is America Kate

everybody can shop I use the catalog a

catalogue from where the hardware Hamlet

my account who else's a staple gun I

hope that's the kind you like a rotary

sander for me weather stripping my my it

is the thought that counts and the

important thing is we're all together in

the words of the immortal Saint Frosty

the Snowman god bless us all everyone

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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Merry Christmas

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