ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 11 - On the Road Again - full transcript
Willie suggests that they go to San Diego on holiday. Kate is all for it, but there's a slight problem: what to do with ALF? Since leaving ALF alone is a recipe for disaster, the family takes him along for the road trip. However, the weather turns stormy, ALF gets bored of sitting in the RV and starts complaining. Willie goes mental and shows ALF the door. Defiantly, ALF wanders off.
[Music]
yo Kate where do you keep your casserole
dishes why the cat won't fit in the
toaster never mind
I'll make a peanut butter sandwich
where's the blender try it without the
blender this time and don't get here in
the peanut butter jar rules rules rules
yes that's the answer
San Diego fine what was the question
where should we go on a vacation
I say we should go to San Diego San
Diego sounds fine to me but what about
our you don't have to check with Alf
that's where we're going San Diego
really does have something for everyone
it's not just an empty slogan I mean
what are we going to do without SeaWorld
Brian will love that they've got the new
killer whales are in and look look at
those beaches the little have a great
time mmm what about Al I'm sorry did you
say I should get hair in the peanut
butter or I shouldn't just toss it out
the hair or the peanut butter boat no
problem why don't I believe that
oh my gosh they're having a Shakespeare
Festival Willie there's hair in our
peanut butter love boats Bernie kopell
it's playing Hamlet I said what are we
gonna do about race fire grease fire oh
no oh no
nevermind the curtains put me out
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
thank you for this food that you have
set before us tonight and once again
thank you for sparing our kitchen amen
to that
let's see you're hearing this tuna fish
I like it we ran out just exactly what
I'm gonna do now please be excused no no
stale and that's the end of the hair
talk I want to talk about what we're
gonna do on our vacation why is that the
end of the hair talk because that's the
end that's why we've changed subjects
we're talking about our vacation I
thought we decided San Diego it has
something for everyone
your mother and I I mean Kate and I have
talked about this and we've decided we
should all stay right here at the table
but in the house or around the house
around the house well we can go out
outside did we get to cross the street
instead of going somewhere far away and
different it would be more fun to to
stay home work where things are are not
so different and do pretty much the same
things we do every day I think you sold
them they're no sale here I think it
bites wind oh look that's not here talk
let's just go back to this vacation
thing right yeah I think we should talk
about it how car not going anywhere did
you lose all your money been playing the
ponies haven't you if you want all the
truth you're the reason we're staying
home wah oui Monsieur pourquoi because
you're an alien we're dropping the
French were dropping at no problemo
what can we do help to San Diego because
the minute we check into a hotel
somebody's gonna call the police or the
National Enquirer and obviously we can't
leave home alone you proved that today I
suppose that's a reference to this
kitchen thing you did start that fire
and then you watch TV while Kate and I
put it out I didn't think it was a
three-man job
the point is we're going to have to
spend this vacation at home I feel
terrible I ruined your stove now I'm
ruining your vacation I'm worthless I'm
garbage
I'm canal water my twin cept our stove
and our vacation well I can't live with
that you people are going on vacation
without me I don't see how we can pend
me in the yard where I won't cause any
damage chained me to a tree put me in a
kennel I'm not going on vacation
you I agree there's gotta be someplace
we can all go before we gloss over this
kennel business true maybe if we went
deep into the woods where nobody GL out
of the mouths of babes we can rent a
Motorhome we could go to some secluded
camper that's a great idea let's give it
a shot
it could be fun singing songs around the
campfire eating pork and beans out of a
tin can being together 24 hours a day
learning to accept each other's little
idiosyncrasies so the kennel idea is
dead okay we'll go camping
what are we image we need pork and beans
wolf
[Applause]
one more time I don't know the words hey
Willie keep your eyes open for a clean
gas station I'm gonna need to make a pit
stop
again I can't help it it's all this
singing about beer hey Lin you want to
spit out the window with me maybe later
I'll spot you 10 feet no thanks
I'm gonna write a letter to my boyfriend
how about you okay I don't know how to
spit come on it's easy no all right I'll
get your shorts in a knot I guess I'll
just moon some state troopers big white
hair boy you call this a vacation
hey chief how about letting me take over
the controls while you don't know how to
drive a drove through the cosmos didn't
I you crashed into our garage you see
any garages out there come on somebody
get out for deer lash day number two and
it's still raining I think we're in hell
please rescue me is it just me or are
the walls closing in you know I really
think the rain is gonna stop yeah bound
to stop sometime you've been saying that
since we docked let's just make the best
of it okay how about a game of Chinese
checkers
I'm tired of Chinese checkers how about
Scrabble now I was bored when I'm bored
I eat vowels well there's always sir
AIDS
I don't like charades I always feel like
everyone's watching me but it's your
call you're the one who dragged us here
you guys really are a bunch of negative
Nellie's we're trying to make the best
of a less than perfect situation and try
to find something that we can all do
together
may I suggest San Diego no you may not I
know things haven't worked out exactly
as planned but when you have a lemon you
make lemonade
what lemon what are you talking about
I'm just trying to tell you there's more
than one way to skin a cat you've been
reading my recipe book
all right let's do something everybody
near coats hats we're going on hike fine
that's the spirit let's go huh who cares
we get a little wet that's easy for you
to say you're not 98% air how we
consider and complain or we can go out
there and enjoy ourselves I'm going to
sit here and complain welcome back
you're not going out there
okay I'll cook under the awning you need
some help bobbing for firewood one more
word out of you and you're not eating
with us right let the alien star I think
the alien could skip a meal it might be
a new experience for him how would you
like your hamburger medium rare hold the
lightning how would you like to be 50%
here no you're a different person when
you're on vacation I'm just trying to
make this vacation fun oh by drowning us
by turning to give a positive attitude
you might do that yourself instead of
complaining all the time
please well not everyone enjoys spending
their vacation in a rain for air in this
rain forest because of youth I vote we
go home that you're not voting on this
call the newspapers democracy is dead
go home go no one's stopping him there's
the door Willie you want me to go I'll
go
Franco fine I'm going sorry Bryan I have
my pride oh come on elf you're not
really going I'm out of here I'm history
I'm going to die
[Music]
what could he be
no I think that's just a rotted tree
stem from two three four oh no I slipped
on the chute well I'll just have to
start at the beginning
dad how can you play at a time like this
Alf is all alone out there who might be
caught in a bear trap you'll be getting
dark soon maybe we better call the
police
no to be a missing person you'd have to
be missing for 24 hours and be a person
suit another suit whoa this doesn't my
day it's not our stay either yeah we
were out there just don't try to make me
feel guilty about sending amounts of
time asking to leave anyone else what
are them the same thing all right
where's the wolf repellent it doesn't
work on bears well thanks I want you to
be very careful I love you daddy
so long
[Music]
hello anybody home
I'm coming in I'm in I'm looking through
your cabinets
[Laughter]
yikes
Oreos of three you know you really are
an idiot I mean I had that rabbit right
in my sights
and then you scare him away with that
sound you were making it was a rabbit
cough rabbits don't have a call how do
they get each other's attention don't
talk to me
rabbits have a call if you don't believe
me look it up did you look at this I
mean you're always leaving the cookies
out we're gonna get ants I didn't do
that
well who did maybe some animal got in
here are some right some animal who just
happens to be partial to Oreos oh oh is
that I think we have a burglar I did
burglar cover me it is an M it's an ugly
little sucker I think it's a dog that's
no dog yeah it's one of those expensive
dogs I've seen pictures of them I think
cher has one that's one of those weird
animals from Australia yeah sure then
how did it get here don't you know
anything the continents used to be
connected and it's a stupidest thing you
ever said well look it up
know what that is it's an anteater
are you sure yeah and it's against the
law to shoot an eaters are you talking
about
look it's shoot anteaters I don't care
what he is I'm gonna take him out and
butchery hmm why do you always get it to
all the butchering because you usually
end up mutilating all the good meat
I'll get the chainsaw you make the salad
that guy orders me around too much
yeah you're getting the short end of the
stick all right I hear you you're
talking I'm talking anteater yeah listen
you should get even with that guy may I
suggest a murder/suicide
you're really talking yeah I'm talking
let's get past that never ate anything
that talked well my cousin's cockatoo
oh hey hey
earth to yokel focus in here alright I'm
uh I'm not an anteater I'm a magical
creature of the forest if you release me
I'll grant you three wishes wait a
second you're not a magical creature
you're just an ordinary talking anteater
well look it up hey Artie this anteater
talks oh yeah don't listen to a word he
says he's tricky I think he's from the
city we've got to get you a woman
talking rabbit I'm sorry to bother you
but have you seen anything unusual in
the area I know that's a very general
question but if you've seen what I'm
referring to I'm sure you'll know what I
mean and if you haven't well there'll be
no point in taking up your time with a
long explanation some guy with a run-on
sentence Oh Alf oh thank goodness we
were so worried look I'm sorry about
what happened are you okay did you get
lost
obviously I don't expect them to answer
no I do well thank you thank you for
finding our and either wait just a
minute how do we know he's yours but the
way he's hugging my leg so what I had a
dog who did that to everybody I don't
know what kind of proof you want but
alpha longs to me possession is
nine-tenths of the law that's right he's
half ours look alphas coming with me and
that's that did I mention the generous
$50 reward there is for finding out
50 each in the Mon 25 apiece
oh well it's gonna say that's fifty
apiece hundred dollars is ridiculous say
no all right nice doing business with
you I'm telling you that thing can talk
believe those guys what was that I said
I was gonna take him for a walk I'll
hold your 25 oh thanks Alf Alf I think
we'd make better time if you let go of
my leg
just a little longer I've been through a
traumatic experience did I tell you how
much I appreciate you saving my life yes
you did Anse did I also tell you that I
think you're a credit to the human race
over and over did I tell you I think you
got us lost and then I lost yeah I think
we've been walking in circles that's
because you've been holding on to my leg
well anyway we're lost we're not lost
we're going the right way no I'm pretty
sure we should be going that way no that
is the way back to the camper nope
that's the way back to the camper no
it's not yes it is all right Oh what's
compromise let's go that way
no no no that's where those guys live
you got it
I'm gonna return you get my hundred
dollars back you know what you're
absolutely right that is the way back to
the camper whatever you say all gourd
[Applause]
there's more rain lucky rain again rain
from another angle I took that one hang
on lucky we're just getting to the good
part
we've seen these dozens of times yeah we
have but I haven't shown them to the
luck Meister Here I am after Willie
rescued me from what I'd like to call
the cabin that dripped blood Here I am
kissing the floor of the motor home Here
I am kissing Willie let me tell you I
got more response from kissing the floor
save my life stand up and take a bow
come on
oh he's modest I love that all right
Here I am lighting the barbecue where's
the motorhome going up in flames here we
are coming home by bus that's me in the
duffel bag there I am being chained to a
tree before the family took off for San
Diego no hard feelings
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
yo Kate where do you keep your casserole
dishes why the cat won't fit in the
toaster never mind
I'll make a peanut butter sandwich
where's the blender try it without the
blender this time and don't get here in
the peanut butter jar rules rules rules
yes that's the answer
San Diego fine what was the question
where should we go on a vacation
I say we should go to San Diego San
Diego sounds fine to me but what about
our you don't have to check with Alf
that's where we're going San Diego
really does have something for everyone
it's not just an empty slogan I mean
what are we going to do without SeaWorld
Brian will love that they've got the new
killer whales are in and look look at
those beaches the little have a great
time mmm what about Al I'm sorry did you
say I should get hair in the peanut
butter or I shouldn't just toss it out
the hair or the peanut butter boat no
problem why don't I believe that
oh my gosh they're having a Shakespeare
Festival Willie there's hair in our
peanut butter love boats Bernie kopell
it's playing Hamlet I said what are we
gonna do about race fire grease fire oh
no oh no
nevermind the curtains put me out
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
thank you for this food that you have
set before us tonight and once again
thank you for sparing our kitchen amen
to that
let's see you're hearing this tuna fish
I like it we ran out just exactly what
I'm gonna do now please be excused no no
stale and that's the end of the hair
talk I want to talk about what we're
gonna do on our vacation why is that the
end of the hair talk because that's the
end that's why we've changed subjects
we're talking about our vacation I
thought we decided San Diego it has
something for everyone
your mother and I I mean Kate and I have
talked about this and we've decided we
should all stay right here at the table
but in the house or around the house
around the house well we can go out
outside did we get to cross the street
instead of going somewhere far away and
different it would be more fun to to
stay home work where things are are not
so different and do pretty much the same
things we do every day I think you sold
them they're no sale here I think it
bites wind oh look that's not here talk
let's just go back to this vacation
thing right yeah I think we should talk
about it how car not going anywhere did
you lose all your money been playing the
ponies haven't you if you want all the
truth you're the reason we're staying
home wah oui Monsieur pourquoi because
you're an alien we're dropping the
French were dropping at no problemo
what can we do help to San Diego because
the minute we check into a hotel
somebody's gonna call the police or the
National Enquirer and obviously we can't
leave home alone you proved that today I
suppose that's a reference to this
kitchen thing you did start that fire
and then you watch TV while Kate and I
put it out I didn't think it was a
three-man job
the point is we're going to have to
spend this vacation at home I feel
terrible I ruined your stove now I'm
ruining your vacation I'm worthless I'm
garbage
I'm canal water my twin cept our stove
and our vacation well I can't live with
that you people are going on vacation
without me I don't see how we can pend
me in the yard where I won't cause any
damage chained me to a tree put me in a
kennel I'm not going on vacation
you I agree there's gotta be someplace
we can all go before we gloss over this
kennel business true maybe if we went
deep into the woods where nobody GL out
of the mouths of babes we can rent a
Motorhome we could go to some secluded
camper that's a great idea let's give it
a shot
it could be fun singing songs around the
campfire eating pork and beans out of a
tin can being together 24 hours a day
learning to accept each other's little
idiosyncrasies so the kennel idea is
dead okay we'll go camping
what are we image we need pork and beans
wolf
[Applause]
one more time I don't know the words hey
Willie keep your eyes open for a clean
gas station I'm gonna need to make a pit
stop
again I can't help it it's all this
singing about beer hey Lin you want to
spit out the window with me maybe later
I'll spot you 10 feet no thanks
I'm gonna write a letter to my boyfriend
how about you okay I don't know how to
spit come on it's easy no all right I'll
get your shorts in a knot I guess I'll
just moon some state troopers big white
hair boy you call this a vacation
hey chief how about letting me take over
the controls while you don't know how to
drive a drove through the cosmos didn't
I you crashed into our garage you see
any garages out there come on somebody
get out for deer lash day number two and
it's still raining I think we're in hell
please rescue me is it just me or are
the walls closing in you know I really
think the rain is gonna stop yeah bound
to stop sometime you've been saying that
since we docked let's just make the best
of it okay how about a game of Chinese
checkers
I'm tired of Chinese checkers how about
Scrabble now I was bored when I'm bored
I eat vowels well there's always sir
AIDS
I don't like charades I always feel like
everyone's watching me but it's your
call you're the one who dragged us here
you guys really are a bunch of negative
Nellie's we're trying to make the best
of a less than perfect situation and try
to find something that we can all do
together
may I suggest San Diego no you may not I
know things haven't worked out exactly
as planned but when you have a lemon you
make lemonade
what lemon what are you talking about
I'm just trying to tell you there's more
than one way to skin a cat you've been
reading my recipe book
all right let's do something everybody
near coats hats we're going on hike fine
that's the spirit let's go huh who cares
we get a little wet that's easy for you
to say you're not 98% air how we
consider and complain or we can go out
there and enjoy ourselves I'm going to
sit here and complain welcome back
you're not going out there
okay I'll cook under the awning you need
some help bobbing for firewood one more
word out of you and you're not eating
with us right let the alien star I think
the alien could skip a meal it might be
a new experience for him how would you
like your hamburger medium rare hold the
lightning how would you like to be 50%
here no you're a different person when
you're on vacation I'm just trying to
make this vacation fun oh by drowning us
by turning to give a positive attitude
you might do that yourself instead of
complaining all the time
please well not everyone enjoys spending
their vacation in a rain for air in this
rain forest because of youth I vote we
go home that you're not voting on this
call the newspapers democracy is dead
go home go no one's stopping him there's
the door Willie you want me to go I'll
go
Franco fine I'm going sorry Bryan I have
my pride oh come on elf you're not
really going I'm out of here I'm history
I'm going to die
[Music]
what could he be
no I think that's just a rotted tree
stem from two three four oh no I slipped
on the chute well I'll just have to
start at the beginning
dad how can you play at a time like this
Alf is all alone out there who might be
caught in a bear trap you'll be getting
dark soon maybe we better call the
police
no to be a missing person you'd have to
be missing for 24 hours and be a person
suit another suit whoa this doesn't my
day it's not our stay either yeah we
were out there just don't try to make me
feel guilty about sending amounts of
time asking to leave anyone else what
are them the same thing all right
where's the wolf repellent it doesn't
work on bears well thanks I want you to
be very careful I love you daddy
so long
[Music]
hello anybody home
I'm coming in I'm in I'm looking through
your cabinets
[Laughter]
yikes
Oreos of three you know you really are
an idiot I mean I had that rabbit right
in my sights
and then you scare him away with that
sound you were making it was a rabbit
cough rabbits don't have a call how do
they get each other's attention don't
talk to me
rabbits have a call if you don't believe
me look it up did you look at this I
mean you're always leaving the cookies
out we're gonna get ants I didn't do
that
well who did maybe some animal got in
here are some right some animal who just
happens to be partial to Oreos oh oh is
that I think we have a burglar I did
burglar cover me it is an M it's an ugly
little sucker I think it's a dog that's
no dog yeah it's one of those expensive
dogs I've seen pictures of them I think
cher has one that's one of those weird
animals from Australia yeah sure then
how did it get here don't you know
anything the continents used to be
connected and it's a stupidest thing you
ever said well look it up
know what that is it's an anteater
are you sure yeah and it's against the
law to shoot an eaters are you talking
about
look it's shoot anteaters I don't care
what he is I'm gonna take him out and
butchery hmm why do you always get it to
all the butchering because you usually
end up mutilating all the good meat
I'll get the chainsaw you make the salad
that guy orders me around too much
yeah you're getting the short end of the
stick all right I hear you you're
talking I'm talking anteater yeah listen
you should get even with that guy may I
suggest a murder/suicide
you're really talking yeah I'm talking
let's get past that never ate anything
that talked well my cousin's cockatoo
oh hey hey
earth to yokel focus in here alright I'm
uh I'm not an anteater I'm a magical
creature of the forest if you release me
I'll grant you three wishes wait a
second you're not a magical creature
you're just an ordinary talking anteater
well look it up hey Artie this anteater
talks oh yeah don't listen to a word he
says he's tricky I think he's from the
city we've got to get you a woman
talking rabbit I'm sorry to bother you
but have you seen anything unusual in
the area I know that's a very general
question but if you've seen what I'm
referring to I'm sure you'll know what I
mean and if you haven't well there'll be
no point in taking up your time with a
long explanation some guy with a run-on
sentence Oh Alf oh thank goodness we
were so worried look I'm sorry about
what happened are you okay did you get
lost
obviously I don't expect them to answer
no I do well thank you thank you for
finding our and either wait just a
minute how do we know he's yours but the
way he's hugging my leg so what I had a
dog who did that to everybody I don't
know what kind of proof you want but
alpha longs to me possession is
nine-tenths of the law that's right he's
half ours look alphas coming with me and
that's that did I mention the generous
$50 reward there is for finding out
50 each in the Mon 25 apiece
oh well it's gonna say that's fifty
apiece hundred dollars is ridiculous say
no all right nice doing business with
you I'm telling you that thing can talk
believe those guys what was that I said
I was gonna take him for a walk I'll
hold your 25 oh thanks Alf Alf I think
we'd make better time if you let go of
my leg
just a little longer I've been through a
traumatic experience did I tell you how
much I appreciate you saving my life yes
you did Anse did I also tell you that I
think you're a credit to the human race
over and over did I tell you I think you
got us lost and then I lost yeah I think
we've been walking in circles that's
because you've been holding on to my leg
well anyway we're lost we're not lost
we're going the right way no I'm pretty
sure we should be going that way no that
is the way back to the camper nope
that's the way back to the camper no
it's not yes it is all right Oh what's
compromise let's go that way
no no no that's where those guys live
you got it
I'm gonna return you get my hundred
dollars back you know what you're
absolutely right that is the way back to
the camper whatever you say all gourd
[Applause]
there's more rain lucky rain again rain
from another angle I took that one hang
on lucky we're just getting to the good
part
we've seen these dozens of times yeah we
have but I haven't shown them to the
luck Meister Here I am after Willie
rescued me from what I'd like to call
the cabin that dripped blood Here I am
kissing the floor of the motor home Here
I am kissing Willie let me tell you I
got more response from kissing the floor
save my life stand up and take a bow
come on
oh he's modest I love that all right
Here I am lighting the barbecue where's
the motorhome going up in flames here we
are coming home by bus that's me in the
duffel bag there I am being chained to a
tree before the family took off for San
Diego no hard feelings
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]