ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 11 - On the Road Again - full transcript

Willie suggests that they go to San Diego on holiday. Kate is all for it, but there's a slight problem: what to do with ALF? Since leaving ALF alone is a recipe for disaster, the family takes him along for the road trip. However, the weather turns stormy, ALF gets bored of sitting in the RV and starts complaining. Willie goes mental and shows ALF the door. Defiantly, ALF wanders off.


yo Kate where do you keep your casserole

dishes why the cat won't fit in the

toaster never mind

I'll make a peanut butter sandwich

where's the blender try it without the

blender this time and don't get here in

the peanut butter jar rules rules rules

yes that's the answer

San Diego fine what was the question

where should we go on a vacation

I say we should go to San Diego San

Diego sounds fine to me but what about

our you don't have to check with Alf

that's where we're going San Diego

really does have something for everyone

it's not just an empty slogan I mean

what are we going to do without SeaWorld

Brian will love that they've got the new

killer whales are in and look look at

those beaches the little have a great

time mmm what about Al I'm sorry did you

say I should get hair in the peanut

butter or I shouldn't just toss it out

the hair or the peanut butter boat no

problem why don't I believe that

oh my gosh they're having a Shakespeare

Festival Willie there's hair in our

peanut butter love boats Bernie kopell

it's playing Hamlet I said what are we

gonna do about race fire grease fire oh

no oh no

nevermind the curtains put me out




thank you for this food that you have

set before us tonight and once again

thank you for sparing our kitchen amen

to that

let's see you're hearing this tuna fish

I like it we ran out just exactly what

I'm gonna do now please be excused no no

stale and that's the end of the hair

talk I want to talk about what we're

gonna do on our vacation why is that the

end of the hair talk because that's the

end that's why we've changed subjects

we're talking about our vacation I

thought we decided San Diego it has

something for everyone

your mother and I I mean Kate and I have

talked about this and we've decided we

should all stay right here at the table

but in the house or around the house

around the house well we can go out

outside did we get to cross the street

instead of going somewhere far away and

different it would be more fun to to

stay home work where things are are not

so different and do pretty much the same

things we do every day I think you sold

them they're no sale here I think it

bites wind oh look that's not here talk

let's just go back to this vacation

thing right yeah I think we should talk

about it how car not going anywhere did

you lose all your money been playing the

ponies haven't you if you want all the

truth you're the reason we're staying

home wah oui Monsieur pourquoi because

you're an alien we're dropping the

French were dropping at no problemo

what can we do help to San Diego because

the minute we check into a hotel

somebody's gonna call the police or the

National Enquirer and obviously we can't

leave home alone you proved that today I

suppose that's a reference to this

kitchen thing you did start that fire

and then you watch TV while Kate and I

put it out I didn't think it was a

three-man job

the point is we're going to have to

spend this vacation at home I feel

terrible I ruined your stove now I'm

ruining your vacation I'm worthless I'm


I'm canal water my twin cept our stove

and our vacation well I can't live with

that you people are going on vacation

without me I don't see how we can pend

me in the yard where I won't cause any

damage chained me to a tree put me in a

kennel I'm not going on vacation

you I agree there's gotta be someplace

we can all go before we gloss over this

kennel business true maybe if we went

deep into the woods where nobody GL out

of the mouths of babes we can rent a

Motorhome we could go to some secluded

camper that's a great idea let's give it

a shot

it could be fun singing songs around the

campfire eating pork and beans out of a

tin can being together 24 hours a day

learning to accept each other's little

idiosyncrasies so the kennel idea is

dead okay we'll go camping

what are we image we need pork and beans



one more time I don't know the words hey

Willie keep your eyes open for a clean

gas station I'm gonna need to make a pit


again I can't help it it's all this

singing about beer hey Lin you want to

spit out the window with me maybe later

I'll spot you 10 feet no thanks

I'm gonna write a letter to my boyfriend

how about you okay I don't know how to

spit come on it's easy no all right I'll

get your shorts in a knot I guess I'll

just moon some state troopers big white

hair boy you call this a vacation

hey chief how about letting me take over

the controls while you don't know how to

drive a drove through the cosmos didn't

I you crashed into our garage you see

any garages out there come on somebody

get out for deer lash day number two and

it's still raining I think we're in hell

please rescue me is it just me or are

the walls closing in you know I really

think the rain is gonna stop yeah bound

to stop sometime you've been saying that

since we docked let's just make the best

of it okay how about a game of Chinese


I'm tired of Chinese checkers how about

Scrabble now I was bored when I'm bored

I eat vowels well there's always sir


I don't like charades I always feel like

everyone's watching me but it's your

call you're the one who dragged us here

you guys really are a bunch of negative

Nellie's we're trying to make the best

of a less than perfect situation and try

to find something that we can all do


may I suggest San Diego no you may not I

know things haven't worked out exactly

as planned but when you have a lemon you

make lemonade

what lemon what are you talking about

I'm just trying to tell you there's more

than one way to skin a cat you've been

reading my recipe book

all right let's do something everybody

near coats hats we're going on hike fine

that's the spirit let's go huh who cares

we get a little wet that's easy for you

to say you're not 98% air how we

consider and complain or we can go out

there and enjoy ourselves I'm going to

sit here and complain welcome back

you're not going out there

okay I'll cook under the awning you need

some help bobbing for firewood one more

word out of you and you're not eating

with us right let the alien star I think

the alien could skip a meal it might be

a new experience for him how would you

like your hamburger medium rare hold the

lightning how would you like to be 50%

here no you're a different person when

you're on vacation I'm just trying to

make this vacation fun oh by drowning us

by turning to give a positive attitude

you might do that yourself instead of

complaining all the time

please well not everyone enjoys spending

their vacation in a rain for air in this

rain forest because of youth I vote we

go home that you're not voting on this

call the newspapers democracy is dead

go home go no one's stopping him there's

the door Willie you want me to go I'll


Franco fine I'm going sorry Bryan I have

my pride oh come on elf you're not

really going I'm out of here I'm history

I'm going to die


what could he be

no I think that's just a rotted tree

stem from two three four oh no I slipped

on the chute well I'll just have to

start at the beginning

dad how can you play at a time like this

Alf is all alone out there who might be

caught in a bear trap you'll be getting

dark soon maybe we better call the


no to be a missing person you'd have to

be missing for 24 hours and be a person

suit another suit whoa this doesn't my

day it's not our stay either yeah we

were out there just don't try to make me

feel guilty about sending amounts of

time asking to leave anyone else what

are them the same thing all right

where's the wolf repellent it doesn't

work on bears well thanks I want you to

be very careful I love you daddy

so long


hello anybody home

I'm coming in I'm in I'm looking through

your cabinets



Oreos of three you know you really are

an idiot I mean I had that rabbit right

in my sights

and then you scare him away with that

sound you were making it was a rabbit

cough rabbits don't have a call how do

they get each other's attention don't

talk to me

rabbits have a call if you don't believe

me look it up did you look at this I

mean you're always leaving the cookies

out we're gonna get ants I didn't do


well who did maybe some animal got in

here are some right some animal who just

happens to be partial to Oreos oh oh is

that I think we have a burglar I did

burglar cover me it is an M it's an ugly

little sucker I think it's a dog that's

no dog yeah it's one of those expensive

dogs I've seen pictures of them I think

cher has one that's one of those weird

animals from Australia yeah sure then

how did it get here don't you know

anything the continents used to be

connected and it's a stupidest thing you

ever said well look it up

know what that is it's an anteater

are you sure yeah and it's against the

law to shoot an eaters are you talking


look it's shoot anteaters I don't care

what he is I'm gonna take him out and

butchery hmm why do you always get it to

all the butchering because you usually

end up mutilating all the good meat

I'll get the chainsaw you make the salad

that guy orders me around too much

yeah you're getting the short end of the

stick all right I hear you you're

talking I'm talking anteater yeah listen

you should get even with that guy may I

suggest a murder/suicide

you're really talking yeah I'm talking

let's get past that never ate anything

that talked well my cousin's cockatoo

oh hey hey

earth to yokel focus in here alright I'm

uh I'm not an anteater I'm a magical

creature of the forest if you release me

I'll grant you three wishes wait a

second you're not a magical creature

you're just an ordinary talking anteater

well look it up hey Artie this anteater

talks oh yeah don't listen to a word he

says he's tricky I think he's from the

city we've got to get you a woman

talking rabbit I'm sorry to bother you

but have you seen anything unusual in

the area I know that's a very general

question but if you've seen what I'm

referring to I'm sure you'll know what I

mean and if you haven't well there'll be

no point in taking up your time with a

long explanation some guy with a run-on

sentence Oh Alf oh thank goodness we

were so worried look I'm sorry about

what happened are you okay did you get


obviously I don't expect them to answer

no I do well thank you thank you for

finding our and either wait just a

minute how do we know he's yours but the

way he's hugging my leg so what I had a

dog who did that to everybody I don't

know what kind of proof you want but

alpha longs to me possession is

nine-tenths of the law that's right he's

half ours look alphas coming with me and

that's that did I mention the generous

$50 reward there is for finding out

50 each in the Mon 25 apiece

oh well it's gonna say that's fifty

apiece hundred dollars is ridiculous say

no all right nice doing business with

you I'm telling you that thing can talk

believe those guys what was that I said

I was gonna take him for a walk I'll

hold your 25 oh thanks Alf Alf I think

we'd make better time if you let go of

my leg

just a little longer I've been through a

traumatic experience did I tell you how

much I appreciate you saving my life yes

you did Anse did I also tell you that I

think you're a credit to the human race

over and over did I tell you I think you

got us lost and then I lost yeah I think

we've been walking in circles that's

because you've been holding on to my leg

well anyway we're lost we're not lost

we're going the right way no I'm pretty

sure we should be going that way no that

is the way back to the camper nope

that's the way back to the camper no

it's not yes it is all right Oh what's

compromise let's go that way

no no no that's where those guys live

you got it

I'm gonna return you get my hundred

dollars back you know what you're

absolutely right that is the way back to

the camper whatever you say all gourd


there's more rain lucky rain again rain

from another angle I took that one hang

on lucky we're just getting to the good


we've seen these dozens of times yeah we

have but I haven't shown them to the

luck Meister Here I am after Willie

rescued me from what I'd like to call

the cabin that dripped blood Here I am

kissing the floor of the motor home Here

I am kissing Willie let me tell you I

got more response from kissing the floor

save my life stand up and take a bow

come on

oh he's modest I love that all right

Here I am lighting the barbecue where's

the motorhome going up in flames here we

are coming home by bus that's me in the

duffel bag there I am being chained to a

tree before the family took off for San

Diego no hard feelings