ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 10 - Baby, You Can Drive My Car - full transcript

What can I tell you, Kathy?
My parents aren't home yet.

Oh, don't worry,
I'm going to get the car.

They already said I could use it.
Uh-huh.

No, I promise we won't miss
the concert. Bye.

- If we miss that concert...
- Unbelievable.

I know. They're an hour late.

No. I'm talking about
Wall St. Week in Review.

This guy is sitting there...

with a straight face
talking about gold...

like it's valuable or something.

Well, gold is valuable.



- And so is time.
- You're kidding.

You may not believe this,
but on Melmac...

gold is worthless.

On Melmac,
the most valuable thing is foam.

- Foam?
- Yeah.

My Great-Uncle Shumway once said:

"I'm heading out West.
There's foam in them thar hills."

Well, foam is almost worthless here.

- What about gravel?
- Gravel's cheap too.

Huh.

- Wax?
- Yep.

Boy.

ALF, I got some more lint
for you to save.

Dump it.



Kathy, I told you I'd call you
the minute they got home.

Fine, if it'll make you feel better,
go stand by the curb. Bye.

Hey, even silver has value.

That's them. See you later, ALF.

Oh, no. It's a tow truck.

I didn't order any toes.

The car broke down again.

So, what's the connection to toes?

- Mom, Dad, what happened to the car?
- It's the engine.

- And the differential.
- And the brakes.

ALF, you go in the kitchen,
the tow truck driver's coming in.

- He's helping us bring in the groceries.
- Then who's bringing in the toes?

Just go.

- Well, there go my concert plans.
- I'm sorry, Lynn.

We're as upset about this as you are.

Seems like my friends
are always driving me.

When it's my turn to drive,
something always happens.

I'd like to be more sympathetic...

but ice cream
is melting on my shoe.

Sorry. I'll call Kathy and cancel.

Sorry about my tow truck
breaking down.

What do you suppose
the odds were on that one?

- Uh, just set those down anywhere.
- That's okay.

- I'll carry them right into the kitchen.
- Uh, no!

Uh...

We like to unload our own groceries.
It's kind of a family thing.

I know what you mean.
We're the same way.

Well, how much do I owe you
then, Bert?

Well, the tow was 49.

But then I owe you
63.50 for the new battery.

- Ooh.
- Of course, your wife sat on my glasses.

So, uh, let's see, uh...

Carry the four...

- Call it 50 bucks.
- But who owes who?

That's a good one. Cash will be fine.

Here you go.

I hate taking this money from you.

You're gonna have to shell
out plenty to get that car fixed.

How much do you think it'll be?

Well, you're looking at a couple
of grand to repair the engine...

and another deuce
for the differential.

Plus your tires are shot.

That's gotta run you, uh...

Carry the four...

I think we get the picture.

And also, you may want to consider
a new set of brake pads.

We should have never towed you
with the emergency on.

My mistake.

You're too kind.

I'm sorry,
I got a grease spot on the carpet.

Oh, no, no. I'm sure
that this will take care of it.

- My fault. A little cleaning.
- Don't worry.

Thanks again. See you, Bert.

You can come out now, ALF.

Well, I've canceled
my concert plans.

But before I go into my room
and listen to the Pretenders on tape...

instead of seeing them in person,
I'd like to say...

that I wish we had a second car.

Have a nice evening.

Why don't you buy her one, Willie?

- What?
- A car.

Spring for it.

We can't afford to spring for a car.

Now is the time.

Four-point-eight financing
on every Chevy in stock.

On approval of credit, of course.

I believe our credit was used up
in the repair to the roof of our garage.

Which had been damaged,
I believe, by an errant spaceship.

Thanks for not naming names.

Willie, what if
we kicked in a little money...

to add to what Lynn has saved
and let her buy a used car?

Well, I don't know.

We'd have to talk about it, that's all.

You have ice cream on your shoes.

- Who has my Pretenders tape?
- Oh, it's in my Walkman.

I use it to do my aerobics.

Lynn, how much money do you
have in your savings account?

About $150.

What if we kicked in 150 with that?
What kind of car would that buy?

A stolen one.

You guys would go
in halves with me on a car?

We could do that,
as long as we were sure...

it would amount to enough
to buy a safe one.

Well, I could get a part-time job
to earn more.

There's an opening
at Mr. Jim's Chicken and Oysters.

We had a Mr. Jim's on Melmac.

But instead of chicken and oysters,
it was dogs and...

Don't say it, ALF! Don't!

Why? It's not the same Mr. Jim.

The one I knew is in prison.

He got caught
substituting hamburger for collie.

You said it.

Said what?

Well, so what do you think, Dad?

I think that's one of the most
repugnant things I can imagine.

No, no, I mean, can I get a job?

Honey, do you think that you can
handle a job and go to school?

You're not exactly
getting straight A's.

All the more reason to start a career.

Nobody asked you.

Well, if I had to wait for an invitation,
I'd never speak.

I'll put away the groceries.

How many more questions
are there on this stupid test?

Five more on chicken
and three more on oysters.

Oh, and there's a two-part essay
on citizenship.

I'm so tired.

Is it really worth all this trouble
just to get a jalopy to drive around in?

Yes, ALF.

I want a car more than anything.

Then, you better get cracking here
if you want to be wearing...

Mr. Jim's feather and shell insignia.

- All right, what's the next question?
- All right.

"Question 126:

While preparing
the Cluck 'n' Shuck Combo...

the chicken should be...

A, breaded...

B, baked...

C, washed."

I'll go with C, washed.

Wrong.

The answer is A, breaded.

- You're not supposed to wash them?
- According to Mr. Jim...

chickens wash themselves.

Don't wash chickens.

Don't wash chickens.

- Okay.
- All right. Question 127:

"An oyster should be
thrown out when...

A, it turns brown...

B, it turns black...

C, it turns over."

That's right. Take your time.

Think before you answer.

Lynn?

Lynn?

Yo, Lynn?

I'm gonna guess brown.

- Lynn, I thought you might like...
- Shh.

- She's asleep.
- Oh.

- Poor thing.
- You're killing her, Kate.

She can't work and go to school
at the same time.

You're robbing her of her youth...

just because
you won't spring for a car.

Is that cocoa?

I can't believe
you're saying that to me.

Why not? It smells like cocoa.

Right, it's cocoa.
Let's get back to this car thing.

Now, we made a deal with Lynn.

We'll contribute half,
she's to earn the other half.

But it is cocoa.

- Yes, it is.
- I knew it.

Do you want the cocoa, ALF?

- Are there marshmallows in it?
- No.

- Pass.
- Fine.

But some hot coffee would be nice.

I guess she didn't hear me.

Here you are, sir.
The Pullet and Gullet Platter.

- Chicken on the half shell for the lady.
- Thank you.

And oyster dog
and a Mr. Jim's game card for you.

- What do I do?
- You scratch off three oysters...

and win a pack of cigarettes.

Uh, which is the chicken
and which is the oyster, then?

- This tastes like fish.
- Then that's the chicken.

You did everything right, Lynn.

It looks fine.
And you served it beautifully.

I just don't think
I'm really all that hungry right now.

You don't have to be nice, Dad.

That was the worst thing I ever ate.

I just serve it, buster.

We're supposed to say that.

I'm gonna go change.

I won! I won!

Menthol Lights.

I'll take that.

You know, Willie,
Lynn hasn't said anything to me.

But she's been so good
about this whole thing.

Maybe we should let her buy a car.
She could pay us back little by little.

Gosh, Kate. I thought we decided.

I think it's important
that she sees this thing through.

Mm, something smells good.

You can have mine.

Later.

- Where's Lynn?
- Um, she's changing. Why?

You'll find out in a minute.

- Lynn?
- Yeah?

Got something for you.

Meet me in the garage.

Bye.

What has he done?

Maybe nothing.

Maybe.

What's going on? ALF?

Out here.

I've got a surprise for you.

What is it?

I'll give you a hint.

It's a car.

Hmm. You didn't need a hint.

ALF stole a car.

I didn't steal it. I bought it.

For Lynn.

I don't believe it.

It would've been here last week,
but I held out for red.

I don't believe it.

It's true. Everybody wants red.

ALF, how did you buy this car?

I got it through my broker.

Broker? What broker?

The one I hired to sell the gold
from my spaceship.

Wait, wait, wait.
Let's just take this one step at a time.

You bought a car?

Yes. The papers are in that envelope.

You have gold?

Had gold.

All the plumbing on my ship was gold.

Except for the bidet.

That was platinum.

Uh-huh.

ALF, this is the most wonderful present
anyone has ever given me.

Aw, you're just saying that.

No! No, I mean it.

It's incredible.

"Schecter, Cosay & Klein.
Investment Brokers.

Dear ALF, congratulations.

Or should I say, congratulazione.

I've sold the balance of your gold
and will invest the proceeds...

in that mango farm in Oxnard.
All the best. Joel."

Look at this interior.

The dashboard is burled mahogany...

grown in the Ferrari family's
private arboretum.

And check out these wheels.

Chrome. From Rome.

Oh, feel this leather.

Virgin ox. Albino virgin.

Oh, my gosh.
Willie, look, a cellular phone.

Programmed for speed dialing.

Come on, Willie,
park your carcass on that virgin ox.

- Yeah, come on, Dad.
- Yeah, Dad. Park it.

Yeah? No, no. I'm not...

I'm not getting in that car. I can't.
ALF...

- we're not keeping the car.
- What?

Why not, Dad?

Yeah, Willie, how come?

Because it's wrong.

Because it's wrong.

Why don't we just needlepoint
that into a sampler?

Look, we are not keeping a car
that cost 60,000...

- Ninety.
- Ninety thou...

Ninety-thousand dollars.

What's bugging you, Willie?

Is it that your daughter
drives a better car than you do?

That has nothing to do with it.

We're returning this car. Call Joel.

I can't.
He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.

Dad, please.

I'll let you drive my car
anytime you want.

You wanna see
how the Gucci airbag works?

It's obvious we cannot
have a rational conversation...

in the presence of a Ferrari.

All right. we'll go to the kitchen.

No, we'll go into the kitchen.
You stay here.

Come on, Lynn.

- Don't touch that airbag.
- Fine.

I'll just preset the radio.

Joel.

I know what you're thinking.
I'm the ogre.

- I'm the wet blanket.
- Willie, no one is thinking that.

- I am.
- Me too.

I see.

Dad, you're not being fair.
The car was a gift.

No, no, no.

A gift is a tie tack,
a pen and pencil set.

Maybe a bowl.

We have all of those.

We need a car.

I think we're losing sight
of what we agreed on here.

That things are appreciated more
when they're earned...

not when they're just handed to us.

There's no way
I could appreciate this more.

I'm sorry, Lynn. I'm sorry.

I just don't think a 16-year-old girl
should have a $90,000 Ferrari.

Unless she is
a professional tennis player.

I'm not above taking tennis lessons.

I don't think that's what he meant.

I'm afraid the car is going back.

This is insane. We're actually gonna
give back a free Ferrari.

Yes, we are. First thing tomorrow.

But Joel's in Palm Springs.

I'll talk to Schecter, I'll talk to Klein,
it doesn't matter.

Lynn, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about this,
but this is the way I feel.

And I think in time,
you'll come to respect my decision.

It may not be today.

Obviously, it won't be today.

It won't be tomorrow, either.

- Willie?
- Oh, no, no.

This is not happening.

Oh, my God!

ALF laid rubber!

He's gone.

There's an alien out there on the road
somewhere in a red Ferrari.

Maybe no one will notice.

What do we do, Dad?
We can't call the police.

- We can't call the auto club.
- We can't even call Joel.

He couldn't have gotten very far.

Kate, that car goes 180 miles an hour.
He could be in Mexico by now.

We've got no choice.
We've got to call the police.

- Hello?
- All right. I'm gonna go out.

I'm gonna go next door
to try to borrow Trevor's car.

- Dad, it's for you.
- Not now.

Tell whoever it is
I'll call them back later.

He's gonna have
to call you back later, ALF.

ALF! ALF!

Willie, my man, I gotta tell you...

this thing flies like the wind.

Where are you? What happened?

I don't know.
All I did was turn the engine on.

Before I knew it,
I was on the freeway.

- What freeway?
- The one headed for Oxnard.

Hey, while I'm there,
I think I'll check out that mango farm.

Forget the mango farm!

That's easy for you to say.

You're not a limited partner.

Nice move, buddy!

Yeah? You're another one!

Willie, where is he?

He's on his way to Oxnard. Oxnard.

ALF. ALF, pull off the road,
pull the car off the road.

I can't. I'm in the fast lane.

Although you'd never know it
by the way these clowns are driving.

Come on, lady. This ain't a parade!

ALF, don't yell at the other drivers.

- They'll see you.
- No way.

I'm driving too fast.

Hey, ever hear of a turn signal?

Just look, ALF, listen to me.
Look at the road signs...

try to find out...
Look at exactly where you are.

Well, I just passed a Motel 6.

Hey, they're having
a beekeepers convention.

Ouch. Ow, ow, ow!

- Gotta go.
- Tell me.

- Tell me where you are.
- Okay. Okay. I'm right near the...

ALF? ALF?

- Disconnected.
- Oh, no!

Look, I can't give you
any more information.

I just need to know
which one of your motels...

is having a beekeeper's convention.

They all are?

Thank you very much.

- Well?
- Nothing.

We went to the police
to see if there'd been a report.

But, you know, aside from a pig
falling off of a U-Haul trailer...

and an inordinate number
of bee stings...

it's really been quite a quiet night.

ALF!

ALF! ALF, are you okay?

Don't worry, I'm fine.

But this phone is a piece of junk.

I'm gonna call Joel just as soon
as he gets back from the Springs.

Forget the phone, forget Joel.

You've just crashed into our garage.

For the second time,
I might point out!

I'm sorry, Willie, I really am.

I think I might need glasses.

Glasses?

I think you might need a lawyer.

Now, Willie, calm down.

May I just say to you...

think it's
very irresponsible of you...

to take the car out
on the road like this...

to endanger your life
and the lives of others.

And to make us worry.

And this sort of thing
seems to be repeating itself...

over and over again.

There have been some fun times.

Tell him, Kate.

There have been some fun times,
ALF, a lot of fun times.

But this isn't one of them.

Look at what you've done.

All right, all right, calm down.

Don't worry about it, Willie.
I'll pay for it.

And how do you propose to do that?

Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow,
I'll sell the car...

and we'll use the money
to fix the garage.

You'll do that? You'll call Joel?

Well, actually,
it'll be Joel's assistant...

because as I have mentioned,
Joel is in the Springs.

- That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
- I suppose so.

I suppose it does, ALF.

I'm glad you weren't hurt.

Thanks.

Of course I'll want a complete physical
before I sign anything.

Just kidding, just kidding.

Uh, that'll be Mrs. Ochmonek
about the hedge.

- The hedge?
- I'll get it.

Mr. Tanner!

Uh, that'll be the people
across the street.

Does your insurance
cover front porches?

I'll be right back. Don't leave town.

ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you
for what you've done.

- What have you done?
- Well...

I ran over a few front lawns...

clipped a couple of jade trees.

The rest is a blur.

I'd better go see if I can help out.

I think I'll turn in early tonight.

Socket wrench.

Gasket.

Gum.

Say, I know you don't like me to ask...

but what's going on here?

I'm getting the old crate in shape,
William.

- You're fixing my car?
- Hey, we have to save where we can.

Did I tell you
the mango grove went under?

- You mean it went out of business?
- Nope, it went under.

What is a fault line, anyway?

Under the ground?

- Is that what Joel told you?
- I trust him.

I'm gonna ask him for the details
when he gets back from Paraguay.

Anyway, there you go.

- You're a one-car family again.
- Well, thanks.

- Ow!
- No!

Just kidding, see?

Why do you do that to me?

Because it's funny, man.

Mm-hm.

Say, where did you ever learn
about fixing cars, anyway?

I used to watch Route 66.

You pick things up.

That's amazing.

I'll tell you what's more amazing.

That George Maharis
never got another series.

Anyway, the car's purring
like a kitten.

Which reminds me, I'm hungry.

ALF, I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to thank you for this.

No problem.

I think I'll just...

I'll think I'll just back up
and take it out for a spin.

Whoa! No!

Crowbar.