ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 9 - Jump - full transcript

It's Willie's birthday. ALF gives him a box he found in the basement. It's full of photos from high school and college. There's also a menu, on the back of which Kate and Willie both made lists of things they wanted to achieve in life. Kate actually did the things on her list, but Willie did not. This starts to haunt him so badly that he decides to do the list.





thanks everyone thank you to a superdad

husband and earthling that was mine

Thanks thanks everyone I'm I'm very very

touched thank you Oh happy birthday


yeah thank you son many more dad Thanks

thanks sweetheart

thank you l think whoa

not bad still waters run deep there

William one two three

what is this the fifth year now and I

fall for it every single time hey back

off there Willie Bob let me give it a




okay okay I was born the son of a poor

asteroid polisher I'm supposed to be

making this speech I think I know my

life better than you do but enough about

me thank you well I don't think I've got

too much to complain about that's for

sure I have my health I have a wonderful

wife I have two great kids and then an

alien okay

great speech let's open the presents

okay be right back come on Brian I hope

you got me jewelry

it's Willie's birthday he's the one who

gets the presents the guy who has the

birthday also gets the presents talk

about your wacky planet close your eyes

okay hey it's the Cambridge atlas of

astronomy see I've been eyeing that book

in the bookstore for weeks you know I

was gonna wait until I came out in

paperback but what are you doing I'm

correcting the more glaring errors look

at this they left out the tenth planet

Dave you know I think you'll make things

up you told me there was a race of

cucumber people on Mars not a race of

family a small family they're mean well

thanks what is it I don't know something

I found in the basement behind the

chemical toilet well I can't exactly go

out and shop in the know I mean it is

Jame it's one very thoughtful well thank

you look at these these are pictures as

they're our high school or college

pictures it's all the letters in there

mom who is this gorgeous guy with his

arm around you

oh that's animal Hohenheim animal your

mother dated a lot of gorgeous guy

before she met me not that I wasn't

gorgeous myself looks like Harrison Ford

that's Nolan Westwood who's this guy in

the stupid looking clothes that's a

football uniform out I know this guy

he's an old-timer what's his name

Joe Namath the pantyhose guy Wow you

really went out with some hunks but I

married the best hunk of them all oh my

gosh here's a menu oh look it's an old

menu from that little restaurant that

Kate and I discovered let's order the

rest has been closed for 20 years why

are we ordering what we wrote on the

back it's our list what list

well your father and I each made a list

of things that we wanted to accomplish

in our lives you know goals dream can I

see it

look what mom wrote to ski the eagle's

nest at Squaw Valley to have a poem

published in a major literary magazine

to run with the Bulls at Pamplona she

did all that - whoa okay you little

overachiever you I love crossing things

off where's your list dad oh it's in

there I think I wrote it under the catch

of the day let me see that I mean what

sea bass we're not ordering all right

all right let me read this wait a minute

Willie tanner goals and ambitions number

one to build a better mousetrap well

that must have been a piece of cake not

exactly I'm still working on that one

number to complete that skydive complete

that skydive how do you skydive just a

little bit do you jump halfway

you know you you get ready to jump you

have second thoughts you go back to your

seat to sit down

oh you chicken out you decide not to

jump you come to your senses you have

second thoughts you decide not to be

stupid all right all right you check it

out now how about some of that whip cake


yo well yo huh what are you working on

my mousetrap uh-huh you might have a

little trouble slipping that baby behind

a refrigerator saying uh I'm sleeping

too though

no I always wake up around 3:00 3:30

have a couple of potatoes and wait for

my paper what a life

Hey so far no complaints what a cold

spud no because I ate the rest of the

cake I should tell you that no that's

okay and the candles listen alpha I

really like to finish this thing why


because I like to finish something I

start you never finished that skydive

Juba set goals for yourself that you

weren't able to accomplish no none Mel

machines don't set goals Willie we live

from moment to moment from snack to

snack yes we take time to stop and smell

the potatoes you ever jump out of a

moving plane hey you want to be alone

just tell me no no I mean did did you

ever skydive I built two earth that mark

16 what was that like

imagine mark 8 and double it which is

scared not once I started plummeting hey

Willie don't worry about it you don't

have to prove anything

you're a good provider you've got a

couple of great kids and an alien

you don't run around and your life is

incredibly predictable and safe there's

my paper ciao


okay yeah you hear from no one fall in

Westwood no why oh I don't know I just

wanted to have heard from him since you

know since college actually I heard that

he went to New Guinean never came back

oh that's that's too bad

some tribe made him their king oh

nothing I would I was just I was just

curious huh

does he have any real power or is it

just a figurehead well he's on the

stamps what about Joe Joe who you know a

bald guy sighs Minh no Namath did you go

out with Joe Theismann - no just Namath

why are you bringing all this up okay

you think of me it was incredibly

predictable and safe yes that's why I'm

here with you right now

Otis believe you have a busy day



and I gotta take the wagon and get the

radiator flushed after that I'm gonna

stop the hardware see the lawn

sprinklers come in yet I having lunch

with cousin Bern and talk to me about

his new edger

after that I decided I'm gonna go


right there you're at your graduation

what am i graduating from this is a

dream tanner

its purpose is to point out how

inadequate you are compared to everybody

else that sounds like fun

would you mind standing off to the side


Nolan Westwood come on out and accept

your diploma congratulations Nolan on

being a successful unicyclist world

traveler and New Guinea and Cape thank

you here are some stamps and coins he is

on the money to Canada so listen I've

got to go they're having a little

ceremony for me back home I'm being

bumped up from King to God

congratulations Nolan thanks bud you've

really you've really done quite well

you're telling me I've led a life of

travel and adventure I'm rich I'm famous

I have a species of bird named after me

I'll have my mortgage paid off in eight

years unless we refinance of course Kate

and I are still kicking yeah so hydro

for me William what a cutie

your mortgage will be paid off

next up Lyle animal horror hime

jetsetter yachtsman international

financiers come on out here animal and

get your diploma you rich guy you

Wow have you done well they aren't quite

a guy you won the Indianapolis 500 you

listed in the fortune 500 and in the

National League you've added 500 listen

I gotta run we're having 500 people over

for dinner tonight

animal and know we've already got

somebody to park the cars I just I just

wanted to say hello um I'm Willy Tanner

theatre I married Kate Halligan Kate

Halligan let's say hello to her for me

will ya you know she is 1 in 500 now our

next recipient needs no introduction

ladies and gentlemen Joe name just

kidding here you go Joe thanks let's see

what's going on here uh uh Willy's

having a dream Swilley

hello Joe I'm sorry to drag you into

this oh hey that's cool I've been doing

a lot of dreams lately

next week I'm doing a Howard Cosell


see Joey you've done awfully well say

would you would you autograph this for

my son Brian absolutely there you go

thanks Joe

to Brian tell your mom hello

you know what I always think about what

Kate said when I proposed to her

yeah and that's how I got the bad knees

by the way kneeling she said Broadway

she always called me Broadway she said

thanks but no thanks I'm looking for

someone that's predictable and safe so

long really I'm going skydiving tomorrow

you had your chance and now it gives me

great pleasure to introduce our man of

the century someone whose

accomplishments but the rest of us to

shame a person of whom it can truly be

said he changed the way we look at the

world ladies and gentlemen I give you


alfe subway


Oh pl great to see way to go what a guy

he's the best al can I have your


George oh oh wait till my friends see

this oh there you go

Alf Willie al

Willie you're the man of the century

yeah what a surprise I was happy just to

be nominated what a kick

well congratulations Thanks

hey Willie you never know next century

it could be you I don't hey come on

don't be so negative all you have to do

is take this parachute and jump Willie

jump jump jump

roll you mean maybe there was a pause

within the tomb there was enough time to

send out for pizza now that's a thought

yes sir come on hip roll yeah hit roll


yes yes yes let's take a break here yeah

good idea

you know Alf I had the strangest dream

last night and you were in it no kidding

yeah it was really weird there was you

and these three guys the cake used to go

out with what's weird about that well

what were you doing in it now that you

brought it up I think Kate's been coming

on to me lately

I really think you're mistaking

friendliness for something else then I

guess I shouldn't have sent her flowers

you send my wife flowers okay breaks

over let's uh let's get on with this

come on enough of this idle chitchat

yeah how about it not bad if that had

been a real jump you'd have just driven

your femur into your spleen honey what's

the occasion it's just because he loves

you that's all what's going on here oh

just practicing my hit and roll that

skydiving lingo so that is what you said

last night yeah I decided then I'm gonna

take the plunge and don't try talking

him out of it

al do you mind you're really serious

about this aren't you yep why are you

doing this I'm doing this because I feel

I have to do this because of something

you wrote on a menu 25 years ago I

thought it was 20 now

25 years ago five people went up in a

plane and four people jumped you didn't

jump because you didn't want to jump I

didn't jump because I was afraid to them

you're not afraid now I am afraid but I

feel that this is something I have to do

if jumping out of an airplane at 5,000

feet is that important to you you should

do it

we'll be there watching 5,000 focus at

this 4,000 I think it's 10,000


we're doing it

are we mr. Tanner I noticed they're even

check out the life insurance pop oh I'm


that'll be our two bucks I know it would

have been all right if I paid you later


man out directly over in the drop zone

skydivers prepare for fight and one jet

for that first step hey you know this

for fun

oh the obelisk oh you mean oh nevermind

my first time service huh nothing to

worry about just like jumping off the




Berner you hey listen if anything

happens to me no life support system


to prison guests mr. booth just a yo-yo


oh listen this what I've decided I can't

do this I won't do what I mean I don't

need to do it so I'm not going to do it

that's what I wanted to tell you soon so

see Mac there was Lucy everybody say yo

and all that and I thought to myself do

I really want a plummet and I had to

admit no I don't feel like vomiting so

I'm not gonna do I'm gonna go back over

there and we'll sit down that said

that's where I'll be right right over

there okay




what the hell



in here what are you doing

building a better cat-trap great he did

it let's go and Willy hey let's cheer

for the tan man was nothing it was like

jumping off a cliff not in your lifetime

well I'm gonna jump as soon as lash gets

a pilot's license I think we'll all jump

and lash gets his pilot's license would

have been really really proud of him I

was proud of him before he jumped you

said he'd end up a red smear of the

landscape I said he might end up a red

smear on the landscape well honey tell

me what's next for the conquering hero

oh I don't know I was thinking about

that on the way down I still like to

discover that new galaxy I don't know

maybe play pro football for a couple of


take the whole gang move to New Guinea

of course first I have to get the

radiator flushed