ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 9 - Jump - full transcript
It's Willie's birthday. ALF gives him a box he found in the basement. It's full of photos from high school and college. There's also a menu, on the back of which Kate and Willie both made lists of things they wanted to achieve in life. Kate actually did the things on her list, but Willie did not. This starts to haunt him so badly that he decides to do the list.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
thanks everyone thank you to a superdad
husband and earthling that was mine
Thanks thanks everyone I'm I'm very very
touched thank you Oh happy birthday
darling
yeah thank you son many more dad Thanks
thanks sweetheart
thank you l think whoa
not bad still waters run deep there
William one two three
what is this the fifth year now and I
fall for it every single time hey back
off there Willie Bob let me give it a
shot
[Music]
[Music]
okay okay I was born the son of a poor
asteroid polisher I'm supposed to be
making this speech I think I know my
life better than you do but enough about
me thank you well I don't think I've got
too much to complain about that's for
sure I have my health I have a wonderful
wife I have two great kids and then an
alien okay
great speech let's open the presents
okay be right back come on Brian I hope
you got me jewelry
it's Willie's birthday he's the one who
gets the presents the guy who has the
birthday also gets the presents talk
about your wacky planet close your eyes
okay hey it's the Cambridge atlas of
astronomy see I've been eyeing that book
in the bookstore for weeks you know I
was gonna wait until I came out in
paperback but what are you doing I'm
correcting the more glaring errors look
at this they left out the tenth planet
Dave you know I think you'll make things
up you told me there was a race of
cucumber people on Mars not a race of
family a small family they're mean well
thanks what is it I don't know something
I found in the basement behind the
chemical toilet well I can't exactly go
out and shop in the know I mean it is
Jame it's one very thoughtful well thank
you look at these these are pictures as
they're our high school or college
pictures it's all the letters in there
mom who is this gorgeous guy with his
arm around you
oh that's animal Hohenheim animal your
mother dated a lot of gorgeous guy
before she met me not that I wasn't
gorgeous myself looks like Harrison Ford
that's Nolan Westwood who's this guy in
the stupid looking clothes that's a
football uniform out I know this guy
he's an old-timer what's his name
Joe Namath the pantyhose guy Wow you
really went out with some hunks but I
married the best hunk of them all oh my
gosh here's a menu oh look it's an old
menu from that little restaurant that
Kate and I discovered let's order the
rest has been closed for 20 years why
are we ordering what we wrote on the
back it's our list what list
well your father and I each made a list
of things that we wanted to accomplish
in our lives you know goals dream can I
see it
look what mom wrote to ski the eagle's
nest at Squaw Valley to have a poem
published in a major literary magazine
to run with the Bulls at Pamplona she
did all that - whoa okay you little
overachiever you I love crossing things
off where's your list dad oh it's in
there I think I wrote it under the catch
of the day let me see that I mean what
sea bass we're not ordering all right
all right let me read this wait a minute
Willie tanner goals and ambitions number
one to build a better mousetrap well
that must have been a piece of cake not
exactly I'm still working on that one
number to complete that skydive complete
that skydive how do you skydive just a
little bit do you jump halfway
you know you you get ready to jump you
have second thoughts you go back to your
seat to sit down
oh you chicken out you decide not to
jump you come to your senses you have
second thoughts you decide not to be
stupid all right all right you check it
out now how about some of that whip cake
yeah
yo well yo huh what are you working on
my mousetrap uh-huh you might have a
little trouble slipping that baby behind
a refrigerator saying uh I'm sleeping
too though
no I always wake up around 3:00 3:30
have a couple of potatoes and wait for
my paper what a life
Hey so far no complaints what a cold
spud no because I ate the rest of the
cake I should tell you that no that's
okay and the candles listen alpha I
really like to finish this thing why
bother
because I like to finish something I
start you never finished that skydive
Juba set goals for yourself that you
weren't able to accomplish no none Mel
machines don't set goals Willie we live
from moment to moment from snack to
snack yes we take time to stop and smell
the potatoes you ever jump out of a
moving plane hey you want to be alone
just tell me no no I mean did did you
ever skydive I built two earth that mark
16 what was that like
imagine mark 8 and double it which is
scared not once I started plummeting hey
Willie don't worry about it you don't
have to prove anything
you're a good provider you've got a
couple of great kids and an alien
you don't run around and your life is
incredibly predictable and safe there's
my paper ciao
[Music]
okay yeah you hear from no one fall in
Westwood no why oh I don't know I just
wanted to have heard from him since you
know since college actually I heard that
he went to New Guinean never came back
oh that's that's too bad
some tribe made him their king oh
nothing I would I was just I was just
curious huh
does he have any real power or is it
just a figurehead well he's on the
stamps what about Joe Joe who you know a
bald guy sighs Minh no Namath did you go
out with Joe Theismann - no just Namath
why are you bringing all this up okay
you think of me it was incredibly
predictable and safe yes that's why I'm
here with you right now
Otis believe you have a busy day
tomorrow
mm-hmm
and I gotta take the wagon and get the
radiator flushed after that I'm gonna
stop the hardware see the lawn
sprinklers come in yet I having lunch
with cousin Bern and talk to me about
his new edger
after that I decided I'm gonna go
skydiving
right there you're at your graduation
what am i graduating from this is a
dream tanner
its purpose is to point out how
inadequate you are compared to everybody
else that sounds like fun
would you mind standing off to the side
[Music]
Nolan Westwood come on out and accept
your diploma congratulations Nolan on
being a successful unicyclist world
traveler and New Guinea and Cape thank
you here are some stamps and coins he is
on the money to Canada so listen I've
got to go they're having a little
ceremony for me back home I'm being
bumped up from King to God
congratulations Nolan thanks bud you've
really you've really done quite well
you're telling me I've led a life of
travel and adventure I'm rich I'm famous
I have a species of bird named after me
I'll have my mortgage paid off in eight
years unless we refinance of course Kate
and I are still kicking yeah so hydro
for me William what a cutie
your mortgage will be paid off
next up Lyle animal horror hime
jetsetter yachtsman international
financiers come on out here animal and
get your diploma you rich guy you
Wow have you done well they aren't quite
a guy you won the Indianapolis 500 you
listed in the fortune 500 and in the
National League you've added 500 listen
I gotta run we're having 500 people over
for dinner tonight
animal and know we've already got
somebody to park the cars I just I just
wanted to say hello um I'm Willy Tanner
theatre I married Kate Halligan Kate
Halligan let's say hello to her for me
will ya you know she is 1 in 500 now our
next recipient needs no introduction
ladies and gentlemen Joe name just
kidding here you go Joe thanks let's see
what's going on here uh uh Willy's
having a dream Swilley
hello Joe I'm sorry to drag you into
this oh hey that's cool I've been doing
a lot of dreams lately
next week I'm doing a Howard Cosell
nightmare
see Joey you've done awfully well say
would you would you autograph this for
my son Brian absolutely there you go
thanks Joe
to Brian tell your mom hello
you know what I always think about what
Kate said when I proposed to her
yeah and that's how I got the bad knees
by the way kneeling she said Broadway
she always called me Broadway she said
thanks but no thanks I'm looking for
someone that's predictable and safe so
long really I'm going skydiving tomorrow
you had your chance and now it gives me
great pleasure to introduce our man of
the century someone whose
accomplishments but the rest of us to
shame a person of whom it can truly be
said he changed the way we look at the
world ladies and gentlemen I give you
Gordon
alfe subway
[Applause]
Oh pl great to see way to go what a guy
he's the best al can I have your
autograph
George oh oh wait till my friends see
this oh there you go
Alf Willie al
Willie you're the man of the century
yeah what a surprise I was happy just to
be nominated what a kick
well congratulations Thanks
hey Willie you never know next century
it could be you I don't hey come on
don't be so negative all you have to do
is take this parachute and jump Willie
jump jump jump
roll you mean maybe there was a pause
within the tomb there was enough time to
send out for pizza now that's a thought
yes sir come on hip roll yeah hit roll
roll
yes yes yes let's take a break here yeah
good idea
you know Alf I had the strangest dream
last night and you were in it no kidding
yeah it was really weird there was you
and these three guys the cake used to go
out with what's weird about that well
what were you doing in it now that you
brought it up I think Kate's been coming
on to me lately
I really think you're mistaking
friendliness for something else then I
guess I shouldn't have sent her flowers
you send my wife flowers okay breaks
over let's uh let's get on with this
come on enough of this idle chitchat
yeah how about it not bad if that had
been a real jump you'd have just driven
your femur into your spleen honey what's
the occasion it's just because he loves
you that's all what's going on here oh
just practicing my hit and roll that
skydiving lingo so that is what you said
last night yeah I decided then I'm gonna
take the plunge and don't try talking
him out of it
al do you mind you're really serious
about this aren't you yep why are you
doing this I'm doing this because I feel
I have to do this because of something
you wrote on a menu 25 years ago I
thought it was 20 now
25 years ago five people went up in a
plane and four people jumped you didn't
jump because you didn't want to jump I
didn't jump because I was afraid to them
you're not afraid now I am afraid but I
feel that this is something I have to do
if jumping out of an airplane at 5,000
feet is that important to you you should
do it
we'll be there watching 5,000 focus at
this 4,000 I think it's 10,000
[Music]
we're doing it
are we mr. Tanner I noticed they're even
check out the life insurance pop oh I'm
sorry
that'll be our two bucks I know it would
have been all right if I paid you later
good
man out directly over in the drop zone
skydivers prepare for fight and one jet
for that first step hey you know this
for fun
oh the obelisk oh you mean oh nevermind
my first time service huh nothing to
worry about just like jumping off the
cliff
No
yeah
Berner you hey listen if anything
happens to me no life support system
[Music]
to prison guests mr. booth just a yo-yo
[Music]
oh listen this what I've decided I can't
do this I won't do what I mean I don't
need to do it so I'm not going to do it
that's what I wanted to tell you soon so
see Mac there was Lucy everybody say yo
and all that and I thought to myself do
I really want a plummet and I had to
admit no I don't feel like vomiting so
I'm not gonna do I'm gonna go back over
there and we'll sit down that said
that's where I'll be right right over
there okay
what
[Music]
Oh
what the hell
[Music]
[Applause]
in here what are you doing
building a better cat-trap great he did
it let's go and Willy hey let's cheer
for the tan man was nothing it was like
jumping off a cliff not in your lifetime
well I'm gonna jump as soon as lash gets
a pilot's license I think we'll all jump
and lash gets his pilot's license would
have been really really proud of him I
was proud of him before he jumped you
said he'd end up a red smear of the
landscape I said he might end up a red
smear on the landscape well honey tell
me what's next for the conquering hero
oh I don't know I was thinking about
that on the way down I still like to
discover that new galaxy I don't know
maybe play pro football for a couple of
years
take the whole gang move to New Guinea
of course first I have to get the
radiator flushed
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
thanks everyone thank you to a superdad
husband and earthling that was mine
Thanks thanks everyone I'm I'm very very
touched thank you Oh happy birthday
darling
yeah thank you son many more dad Thanks
thanks sweetheart
thank you l think whoa
not bad still waters run deep there
William one two three
what is this the fifth year now and I
fall for it every single time hey back
off there Willie Bob let me give it a
shot
[Music]
[Music]
okay okay I was born the son of a poor
asteroid polisher I'm supposed to be
making this speech I think I know my
life better than you do but enough about
me thank you well I don't think I've got
too much to complain about that's for
sure I have my health I have a wonderful
wife I have two great kids and then an
alien okay
great speech let's open the presents
okay be right back come on Brian I hope
you got me jewelry
it's Willie's birthday he's the one who
gets the presents the guy who has the
birthday also gets the presents talk
about your wacky planet close your eyes
okay hey it's the Cambridge atlas of
astronomy see I've been eyeing that book
in the bookstore for weeks you know I
was gonna wait until I came out in
paperback but what are you doing I'm
correcting the more glaring errors look
at this they left out the tenth planet
Dave you know I think you'll make things
up you told me there was a race of
cucumber people on Mars not a race of
family a small family they're mean well
thanks what is it I don't know something
I found in the basement behind the
chemical toilet well I can't exactly go
out and shop in the know I mean it is
Jame it's one very thoughtful well thank
you look at these these are pictures as
they're our high school or college
pictures it's all the letters in there
mom who is this gorgeous guy with his
arm around you
oh that's animal Hohenheim animal your
mother dated a lot of gorgeous guy
before she met me not that I wasn't
gorgeous myself looks like Harrison Ford
that's Nolan Westwood who's this guy in
the stupid looking clothes that's a
football uniform out I know this guy
he's an old-timer what's his name
Joe Namath the pantyhose guy Wow you
really went out with some hunks but I
married the best hunk of them all oh my
gosh here's a menu oh look it's an old
menu from that little restaurant that
Kate and I discovered let's order the
rest has been closed for 20 years why
are we ordering what we wrote on the
back it's our list what list
well your father and I each made a list
of things that we wanted to accomplish
in our lives you know goals dream can I
see it
look what mom wrote to ski the eagle's
nest at Squaw Valley to have a poem
published in a major literary magazine
to run with the Bulls at Pamplona she
did all that - whoa okay you little
overachiever you I love crossing things
off where's your list dad oh it's in
there I think I wrote it under the catch
of the day let me see that I mean what
sea bass we're not ordering all right
all right let me read this wait a minute
Willie tanner goals and ambitions number
one to build a better mousetrap well
that must have been a piece of cake not
exactly I'm still working on that one
number to complete that skydive complete
that skydive how do you skydive just a
little bit do you jump halfway
you know you you get ready to jump you
have second thoughts you go back to your
seat to sit down
oh you chicken out you decide not to
jump you come to your senses you have
second thoughts you decide not to be
stupid all right all right you check it
out now how about some of that whip cake
yeah
yo well yo huh what are you working on
my mousetrap uh-huh you might have a
little trouble slipping that baby behind
a refrigerator saying uh I'm sleeping
too though
no I always wake up around 3:00 3:30
have a couple of potatoes and wait for
my paper what a life
Hey so far no complaints what a cold
spud no because I ate the rest of the
cake I should tell you that no that's
okay and the candles listen alpha I
really like to finish this thing why
bother
because I like to finish something I
start you never finished that skydive
Juba set goals for yourself that you
weren't able to accomplish no none Mel
machines don't set goals Willie we live
from moment to moment from snack to
snack yes we take time to stop and smell
the potatoes you ever jump out of a
moving plane hey you want to be alone
just tell me no no I mean did did you
ever skydive I built two earth that mark
16 what was that like
imagine mark 8 and double it which is
scared not once I started plummeting hey
Willie don't worry about it you don't
have to prove anything
you're a good provider you've got a
couple of great kids and an alien
you don't run around and your life is
incredibly predictable and safe there's
my paper ciao
[Music]
okay yeah you hear from no one fall in
Westwood no why oh I don't know I just
wanted to have heard from him since you
know since college actually I heard that
he went to New Guinean never came back
oh that's that's too bad
some tribe made him their king oh
nothing I would I was just I was just
curious huh
does he have any real power or is it
just a figurehead well he's on the
stamps what about Joe Joe who you know a
bald guy sighs Minh no Namath did you go
out with Joe Theismann - no just Namath
why are you bringing all this up okay
you think of me it was incredibly
predictable and safe yes that's why I'm
here with you right now
Otis believe you have a busy day
tomorrow
mm-hmm
and I gotta take the wagon and get the
radiator flushed after that I'm gonna
stop the hardware see the lawn
sprinklers come in yet I having lunch
with cousin Bern and talk to me about
his new edger
after that I decided I'm gonna go
skydiving
right there you're at your graduation
what am i graduating from this is a
dream tanner
its purpose is to point out how
inadequate you are compared to everybody
else that sounds like fun
would you mind standing off to the side
[Music]
Nolan Westwood come on out and accept
your diploma congratulations Nolan on
being a successful unicyclist world
traveler and New Guinea and Cape thank
you here are some stamps and coins he is
on the money to Canada so listen I've
got to go they're having a little
ceremony for me back home I'm being
bumped up from King to God
congratulations Nolan thanks bud you've
really you've really done quite well
you're telling me I've led a life of
travel and adventure I'm rich I'm famous
I have a species of bird named after me
I'll have my mortgage paid off in eight
years unless we refinance of course Kate
and I are still kicking yeah so hydro
for me William what a cutie
your mortgage will be paid off
next up Lyle animal horror hime
jetsetter yachtsman international
financiers come on out here animal and
get your diploma you rich guy you
Wow have you done well they aren't quite
a guy you won the Indianapolis 500 you
listed in the fortune 500 and in the
National League you've added 500 listen
I gotta run we're having 500 people over
for dinner tonight
animal and know we've already got
somebody to park the cars I just I just
wanted to say hello um I'm Willy Tanner
theatre I married Kate Halligan Kate
Halligan let's say hello to her for me
will ya you know she is 1 in 500 now our
next recipient needs no introduction
ladies and gentlemen Joe name just
kidding here you go Joe thanks let's see
what's going on here uh uh Willy's
having a dream Swilley
hello Joe I'm sorry to drag you into
this oh hey that's cool I've been doing
a lot of dreams lately
next week I'm doing a Howard Cosell
nightmare
see Joey you've done awfully well say
would you would you autograph this for
my son Brian absolutely there you go
thanks Joe
to Brian tell your mom hello
you know what I always think about what
Kate said when I proposed to her
yeah and that's how I got the bad knees
by the way kneeling she said Broadway
she always called me Broadway she said
thanks but no thanks I'm looking for
someone that's predictable and safe so
long really I'm going skydiving tomorrow
you had your chance and now it gives me
great pleasure to introduce our man of
the century someone whose
accomplishments but the rest of us to
shame a person of whom it can truly be
said he changed the way we look at the
world ladies and gentlemen I give you
Gordon
alfe subway
[Applause]
Oh pl great to see way to go what a guy
he's the best al can I have your
autograph
George oh oh wait till my friends see
this oh there you go
Alf Willie al
Willie you're the man of the century
yeah what a surprise I was happy just to
be nominated what a kick
well congratulations Thanks
hey Willie you never know next century
it could be you I don't hey come on
don't be so negative all you have to do
is take this parachute and jump Willie
jump jump jump
roll you mean maybe there was a pause
within the tomb there was enough time to
send out for pizza now that's a thought
yes sir come on hip roll yeah hit roll
roll
yes yes yes let's take a break here yeah
good idea
you know Alf I had the strangest dream
last night and you were in it no kidding
yeah it was really weird there was you
and these three guys the cake used to go
out with what's weird about that well
what were you doing in it now that you
brought it up I think Kate's been coming
on to me lately
I really think you're mistaking
friendliness for something else then I
guess I shouldn't have sent her flowers
you send my wife flowers okay breaks
over let's uh let's get on with this
come on enough of this idle chitchat
yeah how about it not bad if that had
been a real jump you'd have just driven
your femur into your spleen honey what's
the occasion it's just because he loves
you that's all what's going on here oh
just practicing my hit and roll that
skydiving lingo so that is what you said
last night yeah I decided then I'm gonna
take the plunge and don't try talking
him out of it
al do you mind you're really serious
about this aren't you yep why are you
doing this I'm doing this because I feel
I have to do this because of something
you wrote on a menu 25 years ago I
thought it was 20 now
25 years ago five people went up in a
plane and four people jumped you didn't
jump because you didn't want to jump I
didn't jump because I was afraid to them
you're not afraid now I am afraid but I
feel that this is something I have to do
if jumping out of an airplane at 5,000
feet is that important to you you should
do it
we'll be there watching 5,000 focus at
this 4,000 I think it's 10,000
[Music]
we're doing it
are we mr. Tanner I noticed they're even
check out the life insurance pop oh I'm
sorry
that'll be our two bucks I know it would
have been all right if I paid you later
good
man out directly over in the drop zone
skydivers prepare for fight and one jet
for that first step hey you know this
for fun
oh the obelisk oh you mean oh nevermind
my first time service huh nothing to
worry about just like jumping off the
cliff
No
yeah
Berner you hey listen if anything
happens to me no life support system
[Music]
to prison guests mr. booth just a yo-yo
[Music]
oh listen this what I've decided I can't
do this I won't do what I mean I don't
need to do it so I'm not going to do it
that's what I wanted to tell you soon so
see Mac there was Lucy everybody say yo
and all that and I thought to myself do
I really want a plummet and I had to
admit no I don't feel like vomiting so
I'm not gonna do I'm gonna go back over
there and we'll sit down that said
that's where I'll be right right over
there okay
what
[Music]
Oh
what the hell
[Music]
[Applause]
in here what are you doing
building a better cat-trap great he did
it let's go and Willy hey let's cheer
for the tan man was nothing it was like
jumping off a cliff not in your lifetime
well I'm gonna jump as soon as lash gets
a pilot's license I think we'll all jump
and lash gets his pilot's license would
have been really really proud of him I
was proud of him before he jumped you
said he'd end up a red smear of the
landscape I said he might end up a red
smear on the landscape well honey tell
me what's next for the conquering hero
oh I don't know I was thinking about
that on the way down I still like to
discover that new galaxy I don't know
maybe play pro football for a couple of
years
take the whole gang move to New Guinea
of course first I have to get the
radiator flushed
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]