ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 13 - Mother and Child Reunion - full transcript

Kate's mother, who is not on warm terms with Willie, arrives for a surprise visit that forces the Tanners to lock ALF in the garage for "a few days". The problem is that ALF just can't stand being not allowed to roam around in the house, with all the luxuries found there. So he just has to do something.


Oh, hi, humans. Welcome aboard.

It's a good thing
we went to the market.

Are you comfortable?

For the moment, if I've
arranged things right.

I won't have to move
from this spot all day.

I hope things
work out for you.

Thanks. That means
a lot to me.

Oh, darn.

I just can't quite
seem to reach the VCR.

Well, don't even think
about getting up

I'll take care of it for you.

Thanks, saves getting
a wrist full of..

Jane Fonda's workout.

I like to watch her
while I drink my coffee.

Listen, grab a plate
and help yourself.

The forks are chilled.

Maybe later.


That's probably
the doorbell.

Uh, well, whoever it is
I'll get rid of 'em.

I mean, we can't have
anyone disturbing you.

Yeah, tell 'em to take a hike.


So good to see you.

It's my mother.


Not your grandma.

Lynn and Brian's grandma.

Oh! What brings her
out this way?

ALF, the kitchen,
the kitchen, now.

Alright, huh!

Willie, grab the pasta maker.

Just go!

- Who's at the door?
- Grandma.

Where is she?

They're making her
stand outside.

- Get out! Get out!
- Go!

Mom! Come in.

Are you sure?


- It's been too long.
- Oh, I know.

- What a surprise!
- Yes, a long time.

- Oh!
- Hi!

- Hi, grandma.
- 'Lynn, Brian!'

- Grandma!
- Give me a hug!

- Are they feeding you?
- Yeah.

Obviously not enough,
that was a very weak hug.

Mmm! I like that one.
That was good.

Hi, grandma.

Another weak hug.



Hi, Dorothy.

Hello, Willie.

Anyway, I am off to Hawaii
with crazy Estelle.

And we figured we'd spend
three days in Los Angeles

while she visits her daughter,
I'm visiting my daughter.

Oh, honey, that hair is much
too short for that face.

You look good too, mom.

I'm so glad you're
here for lunch.

Tell me, what's your mother
feeding you these days?

Oh, good food!

- Sandwiches!
- Sandwiches?

Well, listen, tonight I'm gonna
make you something substantial.

Mom, I'm, uh,
I'm cooking dinner tonight.

Oh, listen,
we'll talk about it later.

Oh, I brought gifts!

- Gifts?
- No!

- I always brings gifts.
- I meant..

No, no, you needn't
have brought any.

I didn't bring any for you.

I thought you'd be on the road.

Why would I be on the road?

Well, you are a salesman,
aren't you?

No, no, I-I work in
social services.

Mom, you knew that.

That's right. I don't know
what I was thinking of.

Willy Loman,
"Death of a Salesman."

I know. Crazy Estelle's
son-in-law crazy Steve.

He is a salesman,
and he does very well.

Okay, Brian.

Here you go.

A scarf!

That's right.
Hand knitted by grandma.

I remembered how cold
it gets in here.

Mom, the house
doesn't get that cold.

Oh, honey, maybe not for you

but these children
have no body fat.

Here you go, Lynn. This will
keep you nice and warm.

Oh, thanks, grandma.
It's beautiful and...thick.

It's very important for children
to wear warm clothing.

I cannot emphasize that enough.

Mom, the children have
plenty of warm clothing.

As a matter of fact
we just bought them

new jackets and sweaters.

Honey, you cannot get really
warm clothing in a store.

Well, so far the kids have
been able to survive

these brutal Southern California
winters, mom.

Kate, are you being sarcastic?

Yes, I am being
a little bit...

Darling, that is so..


I hope we're not gonna fight.

Maybe grandma should
stay with crazy Estelle.

No, grandma, stay with us.

Momma won't fight with you.

Will you, mom?

No, no, I don't
wanna fight.

Well, good.
Neither does grandma.

Okay, you kids help me
with my luggage.

- Okay!
- Here you go, Brian.

And tonight..

...I'm gonna make you
a nice, home cooked dinner.

Well, mother is here.

It's only for
a couple of days.

Yeah, I know.

Yo! I have a question.

Is grandma staying here
going to affect me in anyway?

Help! I'm locked in a garage.
I'm-I'm without food.

Someone please call
Mike's Pizza Barge

and order one humongous,
with everything on it.

Yeah.. Oh, yeah, wait a minute.

Make that everything,
except beets.

Emphasize that. No beets!

Oh, never mind,
my jailers are here.

It's about time.
I was beginning to feel faint.

Many pardons
for the delay, Lord Shumway.

He must be hungry.
He didn't even say grace.


Great food, Kate.
You finally learned how to cook.

My mother made that.

Really? I'd like to meet her.

ALF, you're gonna have to stay
in the garage for a few days.

Why, because I insulted
your mom's cooking?

Come on. Let the punishment
fit the crime.

ALF, uh, you, uh, you can't come
back into the house because uh.. mother is going to be
staying with us until Tuesday.

Let her stay
in the garage.

Well, I can't let my mother
sleep in a garage.

Alright. Let the mutant
sleep in the garage.

We don't think you as a mutant.

- You think of me as your son?
- No.

So I'm somewhere between
a mutant and your son?

I'm-I'm a game show host.

ALF, it's just for three days.

That's enough time for
my sprit to be broken.

ALF, don't you think you're
being a little overly dramatic?

Overly dramatic?

Overly dramatic?
Kate, there's no TV in here.

We can let you
use the small TV.

The black and white one
with the one inch screen?

Good! I'll tape it to my eyes.

Why don't you just
tell grandma about me?

ALF, we can't.

Well, fine.
The charade continues.

Besides, I don't think you
and my mother would hit it off.

Don't be silly.
I get along with everybody.

I'm a people alien.

Well, you've never come
across anyone like my mother.

What is it with her?

I mean, she walked into
the house and took over.

I hate when people do that.

Some people are not as
considerate as you are.

Well, I think what we have here

is your basic
parent-child dynamic.

Every daughter feels the way
you do about her mom.

Well, not every daughter.

Oh! Oh, absolutely not.

Look, all I'm saying is your mom
knows how to push your buttons.

Now, I suggest you
confront her.

ALF, I can't confront
my mother.

- Why not?
- I don't know, uh..

I guess it goes back
to my childhood.

You see, I was an only
child and I think that..

I think that my mother
was over protective of me.

In fact, I-I think that
she loved me too much.

Why am I telling you this?

I don't know,
I'm barely listening.

Lynn ate all my banana bread.

Oh, I'm sorry, it was great.

Mom, do you think I could get
the recipe from grandma?

It wasn't that good.

No. I don't even know
wh-why I said that.

Oh, good save.

Here, Brian,
why don't you put

that right by
grandma's suitcases.


Here you go.

A nice, home cooked meal.

Must be grandma's recipe.

Just eat it.

Mom, grandma's gonna be
gone in a half an hour.

Right, right.
I got through three days.

I can last another 30 minutes.

- Where is grandma?
- She's cleaning the bathroom.

I just cleaned
that bathroom yesterday.

And you did a great job.

That's not what
grandma said.

It was spotless.


ALF, ALF, get back
into the garage

my mother is still here.

I've had it with the garage

and I've had it
with your mother.

This is my home.
This is where the bathroom is.

ALF, grandma's in the bathroom.

What does she have,
squatters rights?

That does it. I'm gonna
have to file a grievance.

- Mom, ALF, she's coming.
- 'ALF.'

- Go.
- The kitchen, go, go.

I'm going, I'm going.

Boy, somebody took
a grumpy pill.

I'll get it.


Who packed my suitcases?

Uh, I did.

I thought you might
wanna save time.

Look at this. You put all
my underwear on the top.

Kate, that is so tacky.

Uh, grandma, it's for you.
It's crazy Estelle.

I wonder what that
crackpot wants now.

Too much oregano, honey.

- 'Thanks, sweetheart.'
- You're welcome.

What is it, Estelle?

What do you mean
you're gonna be late?

N.. Now you see that?

You see that? You always
do that to me, Estelle.

You know I hate
running for planes.


Well, you are aggravating me.

Oh, come on.
Everybody likes me..

Fine! Just go to Hawaii
by yourself then.

Yeah, I hope you fall
into a live volcano, Estelle.

Good news?

Late! She always has to be late.
It's like a-a sickness with her.

You-you are still going
to Hawaii, aren't you?

The woman is so selfish.

I mean, that's all
she thinks about

is herself, self, self, self.

You wanna know why
she is always late?

Because she spends two hours
putting on make up.

As if anything could
help that face.

You are still...going
to Hawaii, aren't you?

She was actually late for
her own husband's funeral.

And her makeup
was on crooked.

As matter of fact,
so was his.

But you are still going
to Hawaii, aren't you?

One thing is certain

I'm not going to Hawaii
with a crazy woman.

I'm gonna stay right here.

Garbage disposal.

You know, your mother
really is amazing

you can see yourself
in those tiles.

Who cares!

Not me.

I guess I was just talking
from the top of my head.

I'm sorry.

But it's driving
me crazy

the way she is treating
me like a child.

I don't know, maybe you should
do what ALF suggested.

Maybe you should
confront her.

'Right on.'


Who else?

What are you doing under there?

Trying to keep warm.
The garage is freezing!

Listen, I couldn't
help overhearing

the grandma discussion.

How long have you
been under there?

Just the last few nights.

Anyway, about grandma..

Were you under there
on Sunday night?

Don't worry,
slept like a baby.

Didn't hear a thing.

Now, what are we gonna
do about grandma?

I don't know, ALF, uh, I don't
know what we can do about her.

Well, I can't sleep under
here every night.

You got that right.

And I'm not living in
the garage any longer.

Unless you decide
to put in a hot tub

and a big screen TV.

- Forget it.
- Okay.

Then grandma has to go.
Here's my plan.

You tell her that the house
is built on a fault line.

Then some morning you
wake her up and scream.

Earthquake! Earthquake!

And you guys walk around
the house going

whoa, whoa!

I don't know, hmm..

How does that go again?

- Whoa, whoa..
- More arm motion.

'There you go. Yeah!'

Wait a minute. So what if
we do tell her about ALF?

How could we tell her,
Kate, what would we say?

Uh, I guess we just
have to sit her down

we'd have to ask her
if she's ever seen "E.T."

Why do you keep
comparing me to E.T.?

I'm nothing like E.T.

You know, someday, Willie,
someone from Melmac

is going to ask me
what you're like.

And I'm gonna say, well did you
ever see "The Nutty Professor?"

Oh, for crying out loud.

The best way to tell grandma
about me is to do it quickly.

I'll go wait in
the kitchen for her.

She usually has
a snack around now.

No, ALF, you will not talk to
her. You will do this our way.

Okay. Don't get your
nightie in a knot.

It's your house.
I respect that.


'Hey, go for it, Willie!'

alright. I'm leaving.

Well, this ought to be good.
Here she comes.

Hi, grandma!

Oh, my God!

Have a seat.

Who are you?
What are you?

A little background.

My name is ALF. I come
from the planet Melmac.

I'm a member of a civilization

millions of years
ahead of your own.

And now I live
in a laundry basket

next to the washing machine.

Cup of java?

I know.

I know you're
something Willie made.

He's always making
crazy things in the garage.

Take my word for it,
I'm a space being.

And since you've been here,
I've had to live in the garage.

Let me ask you something.

Why are you so hard
to get along with?

Kate's easy going.
Is she adopted or something?

Anyway, my advice
to you would be

lighten up on her, be nice.

Oh, yeah, another thing.

Stop poking me!

We'll talk again.

When you are a little
less touchy feeling.


Okay, I'll make the break..

Good morning, grandma.

Oh, my God!
It wasn't a nightmare.

Sit down. Take a load off.

You mean,
you-you actually do.. in this house?

I thought we
covered that last night.

I just can't bring
myself to..

I guess you
two have met.

It introduced
itself last night.

Listen, I know you
wanted to introduce me

but, uh, I couldn't stand
being in the garage any longer!

There was a spider
in there, th-this big.

Well, now you know, mom.

We live with an alien
from outer space.

Kate, I had such
high hopes for you.

I sense some
negative vibes here.

Why don't we just
discuss this over breakfast?

Good idea!

Good morning.
Good morning, grandma.

Good morning, ALF.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh is right.

You met ALF!
Isn't he great?

Is he going to eat
at the table with us?

ALF always
eats with us.

What does he eat, kibble?

I resent that. I don't
even know what kibble is

but I resent that.

Huh! This is wonderful.

He sits at
the head of the table.

Well, Dorothy, he's
comfortable there.

I-I don't really think it
makes all that big a difference.

Well, I only figured that
the head of the household

should sit at the head
of the table. That's it.

It doesn't matter
where anyone sits

and we all know who
the head of this household is.

- Juice?
- Yeah.

Oh, how about some of
those Belgian waffles

with the sugar
sprinkled on them?

- You know how I like them.
- We're having pancakes, okay?

Fine. If that's
all we've got.

He sits at
the head of the table

he decides what you're
gonna have for breakfast.

This little mop from
the moon is running your house.

Mop from the..
Mop from the moon?

How could you
be so ignorant?

There are no mops
on the moon. Ha!

I didn't mean
that literally.

I meant that
as an insult!

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, if I had
a straw and a napkin

I would fill you
so full of spitballs..

Do you hear how he's
talking to me?

Listen, either
she goes, or I go.

Which is it, Kate?

Well, do you actually
have to think about this?

No. Yes!

Wait a minute, wait, wait.

Nobody is leaving
and nobody is staying.

Good strong stand, Willie.

No wonder you don't sit
at the head of the table.

Well, I never thought
my own daughter

would wanna
throw me out of her house.

Grandma, no one's
throwing you out.

You have wanted me to
leave ever since I got here.

- You got that right.
- 'ALF!'

Well, it's true.

Would you just stay
out of this, please?

Is that true, Kate?

Tell her.

Yes. Yes, it is true.

Kate, a little
less direct.

Mom, you drive me crazy.

You come into
my house, you take over

you make me feel like
I can't do anything right.

Well, I..

I...don't do that.

- Yes, you do.
- ALF!


You have turned
my daughter against me!

You have used some cosmic
powers to take over her brain!

Grandma, no one's
been brainwashed.

Mom has felt like
this for a long time.

She was just
afraid to tell you.

You know, this is your fault!

You are responsible
for this whole thing!

I make things happen,
I'm a catalyst.

- Listen to me, mom.
- Tsk.

Listen. I love you.

But this is our house..

...and as long as you
wanna be in this house

you're going to have
to follow some rules.

What, what
kind of rules?

Uh, no going
for rides in the dryer.

No chewing on any
part of Lucky's body.

ALF, those rules
only apply to you.

Not fair. Why does
she get to chew on Lucky?

She doesn't. She doesn't.

Uh, the rule was, no going
for rides in any appliance.

Well, look,
you know, I don't know

if I can memorize
the whole bunch of rules.

There's only one rule
that's really important.

Treat your daughter
like an adult.

You did a wonderful
job of raising me

why don't you trust
me to do the same?

Oh, Katie, I do trust you.

I don't. I-I will. I want to.

I-I love you.. I'm sorry.

I.. Just tell me. Tell me
what you want me to do.

- Oh.
- Just mellow out, granny.

Come on.

Let's have breakfast, huh?

I'll make breakfast.


...I'll make breakfast.

Oh, honey, every time you make
pancakes, they come out watery.

What? Mom..

Yes. Okay. Right.

I'll just go sit down..

...way over here.

Here you are,
Brian, try this on.

Oh, no, not another gift!

What are you trying
to do, buy the kid off?

- It's too big, grandma.
- You'll grow into it.

Until then, Willie could
use it as a car cover.

Ha ha!

Oh, sure.
Go ahead, make jokes

and after I made you a gift.

A gift for me?
Let me see. Let me see.

What is it?

A muzzle!

Ha ha!

Very funny, very funny.

Ha ha!