8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 18 - Drummer Boy: Part 2 - full transcript

Paul and Cate force Rory to read "To Kill a Mockingbird" for a book report instead of watching the movie. Bridget pretends to pine over Ben going off to college, while Kerry covers for her. In reality, Bridget is in a great mood and has been calling and messaging Ben at college in Ohio and thinks she's in love with him. Paul had discouraged any further relations with Ben because he was too old for Bridget. Kerry covers for her sister because Bridget keeps throwing a guilt trip on her for kissing Kyle.

Look at what Rory selected
for family movie night.

I am so proud.

He didn't go near the room
with the saloon doors this time.

To Kill A Mockingbird.
Isn't that your book report?

Is it?

Trust me, Cate, the
movie is even better.

Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch,

the embodiment of truth,
honesty, and integrity.

He's all that I aspire
to be as a father.

- Have you read the book?
- [both] No.

I was talking to Rory, Atticus.

- All right, go read.
- Then we'll watch it.

Forget it.

I'm not gonna read a book and
watch a black and white movie.

- Cate, how's Bridget today?
- How would I know?

- She won't even
come out of her room.
- I know.

It's not the same
old bubbly Bridget.

It's like lately we've
got two Kerry...

Caring, talented,
wonderful daughters.

Hey, Care Bear, didn't see
you there. How's your sister?

Bridget? She's fine.

Uh, I'm going on
the computer now.

Uh-oh. She knows something.

You got that from
"Bridget's fine?"

Mm-hmm. Trust
me, I have a sister.

Sisters lie and
cover for each other

when something's up.
Usually has to do with boys.

Your sister doesn't seem
like the boy-crazy type.

- You had to lie for her?
- For her?

Uh... Yeah, for her.

All the time. I'm gonna
go on the computer now.

Hey, Rory, it's Saturday.

How 'bout a little father-son
bonding at the slot car track?

Paul, Rory is reading
To Kill A Mockingbird.

If the ceiling were the floor,
I'd be taller than the windows.

Rory, read!

Hey, honey. So your
sister isn't up yet?

She's fine, Mom. Fine.

- I'm going on the computer now.
- Uh, no, hold on. Come here.

What aren't you telling us?

And remember, I have the power
to declare family bowling night.

Noisy bowling
alley, used shoes...

What are you, about a four?


OK. Bridget's still depressed

about her stupid
drum teacher leaving,

but she doesn't want
anyone to know about it.

She's hiding it well.

Hey, upside down
Bridget looks happy.

Rory, read!

I miss Ben.

Oh, honey, look you need to
see that you're too young for him.

He's only three or four
years older than me.

It's not age as
much as experience.

Well, Bridget's
got plenty of that.

Are you part of the solution?

Honey, I'm not gonna allow
you to date a college guy.

Paul, we're
partners. So be quiet.

Honey, I think that you
should call Amanda.

Wasn't tonight the night that
the girls were getting together?

Cate? Bridget's
grounded, remember?

She was sneaking out to the
concert with, you know, En-bay.

[whining] En-bay!

- Paul, Paul...
- What?!

Well, I wanna talk to you
over here, away from the kids.

That means I have to
move. Kids, go over there.

Honey, I think we should
lift Bridget's punishment.

You're undermining
your own authority.

Right now, what's
more important?

I say, getting Bridget out of
her room and back on her feet.


OK, but I get to be
"partners" next time.

All right.

Hey, Bridget, you really
should call Amanda.

Her mom told me that everyone
was gonna be there. Everyone.

OK, I'll think about it.

Well, at least we tried.
I'm glad you clued us in.

You should feel
good about yourself.

Everyone's gonna be there?

Oh, my God! I got
another e-mail from Ben.

I'm getting tired of keeping
your double life a secret.

Mom and Dad are this close to
caving and letting me see Ben.

I mean, come on,
my new sad face?

I was so good, I
almost felt sad for me.

You call that a sad face?

I invented the sad face. See?

Oh, awesome.

Ben is so romantic. He's
such a "let's hang over

the Titanic with our arms
all hanging out" type of guy.

Look what he wrote.

- "S'up?"
- It was in response
to what I said.

- See.
- "S'up?"

We wanna know what's up...
with each other all the time.

- I mean, look how he signed it.
- "B."

B for Ben, B for Bridget.
We have the same first initial!

I mean, there's something so
fate-destiny-worlds-collide-y about it.

You're adding "y's" to
everything. This is serious.

Mom and Dad'd kill you if
they knew you were carrying on

a long-distance relationship
behind their back.

And you're not
gonna tell them, right?

Because you swore, made a secrecy
vow and you kissed my old boyfriend Kyle.

How long are you gonna
hold that over my head?

How long does it take
for a broken heart to heal?

That's Ben! He's calling me.

- Now you have ESP?
- No, I programmed his ring.

Dad, it's the
Michigan Fight Song,

Ben, it's You Light Up My Life.

Ben! Hi! S'up!

- [Paul] Care Bear!
- Bridget! Bridget!

I gotta go. Send me a text
message on my cell. OK, bye!

- How's it going?
- No improvement.

Can't you stay depressed
'til they get down the hall?

- I can't help it. I'm in love!
- Bridget, OK, look at me.

- OK.
- Pretend I'm
the big sister now.

- OK.
- You're not in love!

Yes I am, like Romeo and Juliet.

[gasps] Another Leonardo movie.

I was just talking
about Titanic.

worlds-collide-y-fate-y thing.

It's infatuation!
This is going too far.

You're totally
screwed up about men.

I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad.

Maybe I'm screwed up about men

because you kissed
my old boyfriend.

- [phone beeps]
- [gasps] Ben's message!

"Snowed last night.
Wish you could be here."

Kerry, he wishes
I could be there!

He's never said that before.

- It's a saying!
- Yeah!

Like when Leonardo couldn't
make it to the MTV Movie Awards

and Carson Daly said,
"Wish you were here."

See where I'm going
with this? It's getting scary.

Yes, it is.

So how was father-son
day at the slot car track?

Great. Too bad
Rory couldn't make it.

If he would've done his
homework, I could've had a friend.

Funny, Dad.

I'm on page 114, and they
still haven't killed that bird.

You're missing the point in one
of the great pieces of literature.

Have you reached the
part where Robert Duvall

makes his screen debut?


Is it OK if I go to Amanda's
sleepover after all?

- Well, sure.
- Can you? Of course!

Why do you need such a big bag?

- Yeah.
- We're gonna give facials.

There's not much you can do to
my complexion except admire it.

Amanda's t-zone
is like an oil spill,

only without the dead pelicans.

Um, can I borrow the
car? I'll put gas in it.

Now that I know it's not diesel,
we shouldn't have problems.

Why don't you
have Dad drive you?

- I heard it might snow.
- Sure. I'd be happy to.

You don't trust me
to drive in the snow,

just when I was
starting to feel better.

- I'm going back to my room.
- No, wait!

Come here. You can
drive. Go ahead. Have a ball.

- OK, bye Mom.
- Bye.

Well, we got her
out of her funk.

Not bad for lame-o
Mom and Dad, huh?

Yeah, there's no
underestimating you guys.

Bridget! You're going
to see Ben, aren't you?

If I were going to see Ben I
would have brought my big bag.

I think you're
lying and I'm afraid

you're gonna get
into trouble there.

- So?
- I'm not gonna let you leave.

Hey, Beach. You still here?

Get out of here,
you knucklehead.

Go! Go! Fun's a-waitin'.

Uh, I'm gonna go
to Amanda's too.

But, honey, you
haven't been in...

Have fun.

- Isn't that Amanda's street?
- Uh-huh.

- We're going past
Amanda's street.
- Uh-huh.

We're not going to
Amanda's, are we?

You kissed my
old boyfriend, Kyle.

[Kerry] Bridget...

I can't believe you're
doing all this for a guy.

- You're making
a fool of yourself.
- No, I'm not.

Hold on, that's Ben's door!

It's even more
beautiful than I imagined.

- Surprise!
- What are you doing here?

What's that girl doing
in your dorm room?

I asked you first.

- Listen, I should go.
- Sarah!


Oh, man, listen...
Wanna come in?

- I think we should talk.
- You bet we should talk.

Yes, we should.

She's in his dorm room?

You get Bridget on the
phone now! Right now!

- You get her on the damn phone!
- Stop yelling at Kerry!

- She's our link.
- Can't yell at Bridget.

Can't yell at Kerry. Stop
reading upside down!

I'm yelling at somebody, Cate.

Mom, Dad, I know
this looks real bad

and I'm expecting big
consequences when I get home.

I heard that. I heard
you roll your eyes.

Bridget needs to finish this.
Then we'll come right back.

No, no, you two get
in the car right now!

Look, Paul, Kerry is very
responsible. Trust her.

That's right. She's
really responsible.

She waited to call us

until the car came to a
complete safe stop. In Ohio!

OK, now look, look, Care Bear,
I need you to be the big sister.

Stay with her. She is
very vulnerable right now.

And call me a lot. OK, bye.

OK, no more talk. We're
going down there right now.

Now, Paul, calm down.

By the time we get
there, they'll be back.

I do not want you
driving when you're angry.

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, fine.

I should calm down like you,

'cause a whole lot of
good comes from calm!

Don't hang up on me!
Don't hang up. Hello!

Bridget, I did not lead you on.

OK, but if, this is a gargantuan
"if." If you did not lead me on,

then answer me this:

What am I doing in your
room in the middle of the night?

- That's a good question.
- Yeah, thank you.

[knocking on door]

[Kerry] Come on! Tell him
he's a jerk and let's go home!

Kerry! Leave!

If you didn't lead me on,

what about, "If
things were different,

- we would've hooked up?"
- OK. That one was bad.

I do like you, but your
parents made it very clear that

nothing was going to happen
between us, and that's when I met Sarah.

Hey, Ben, I... Oh, sorry.

And Sarah introduced
me to Annie.

[music playing, muffled]

Bridget, for your information,
I called Mom and Dad.

- [Bridget] Go away!
- I'm not budging
until you come out.

What're you looking at?

- You.
- Well, don't.

Want some pizza?

Yeah, OK.

You know, that is your
most annoying nervous habit.

I liked it better when
you bit Styrofoam cups.

What do you expect?

Doesn't it bother you that
Bridget is getting worse?

I'm not sure I
like her right now.

She's still your little girl.

Not anymore. You know,
she's totally changed.

I don't know who she is.

We have nothing in common,

and then she pulls
a stunt like this.

I'm going crazy.
I'm going after them.

I thought we made an agreement.

- We were gonna stay calm.
- Calm?!

Even though she's stolen our
car, and driven across the state?

- Yes.
- And she's in
some boy's dorm room?

- Yes.
- That boy happens to be
a musician.

You used to date a
musician, didn't you, Cate?

Slow down! What
happened to "calm"?

- Oh, screw calm.
- Crosswalk, crosswalk!

When I get my hands
on Thelma and Louise...

- Honeybun?
- What?

- We forgot Rory.
- [tires screeching]

I was at the best
part of the book.

A young Gregory Peck

was on the porch smoking
a pipe talking to Scout.

[both] Read!

- Paul, call Kerry.
- I've been calling.

Pick up, pick up!

- [music playing]
- [chattering]

[Michigan Fight Song on phone]

Still no answer.

- Bridget.
- Don't.

This is so humiliating.

I cannot believe I
thought you liked me.

I could have been interested. I
mean, I thought you were cute.

Just cute?

- Actually, amazing.
- Just amazing?

Another time, another
place, who knows?

But for now I think we
should just be friends.

Oh, my God, that's my line.

No one's ever said
that to me before.

No wonder why they
all make that face.

Can I put my arm around you now?

If you want to lose it.

Hey, look, Kerry, can
I ask you a question?

- Do you like Ohio State?
- Sure.

How come your pants have been
playing the Michigan fight song all night?

Oh, my God.

[music playing, muffled]

This is my favorite place.

- Kerry!
- Mom, Dad?!

Thank God you guys are here.

We have been calling you
for over one hundred miles.

Oh, well, I was playing video
games on the cell phone.

I had a personal
best in Solitaire.

- Is that a co-ed bathroom?
- Yeah.

- I gotta go.
- Rory, read.

Can I go in there?
That's where you read?

- OK, Rusty, where's Blondie?
- Where is she?

All right. OK.

Your father and I are
going into Ben's room.

The two of you...
- Don't move!
- OK.

- Hands where I can see 'em!
- Dad!

I'll give you a refund
on the drum lessons!

Humor? You think this is funny?

Is that what you
are, a funny boy?

- No, sir.
- You are in so much trouble.

Look at me. Look at me!

- Mom, it's over!
- [sighs]

Oh, this is so not
over. Bridget...!

- Paul, just calm down.
- I'm sorry, sweetie.

I guess I'm in a bit
of a bad mood today.

See, this morning I
cut myself shaving

years off my life as
head of this family!

- Honey, are you OK?
- No.

Ben, I think we could
use some privacy here.

No, I mean, we were just
about to say goodbye anyway.

- Bye, Bridget.
- Bye, Ben.

Goodbye, Ben. How
'bout a little privacy?

Is that OK with you? That
a problem? Is that all right?


- Why is this book so skinny?
- It's a synopsis.

It tells you everything
you need to know about

To Kill a Mockingbird.

This is my favorite place ever.


- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, I know, honey. I know.

- Aw.
- "Aw."

I didn't drive four hours

in the middle of the
night to hear "aw."

- You didn't drive at all.
- I'm making a point here, Cate!

Our daughter crossed a line tonight,
a very big line, the Ohio state line,

- and you wanna coddle her.
- She's our little girl.

Oh, yeah? Look at what
I found on Ben's dresser.

- A cookie?
- A cookie. In a college dorm.

A musician's dorm. A
musician who gets the munchies.

Do the math, Cate.

Oh, for the love of God.

Just say no!

That's all I'm saying.

Mom, I don't get it.
What's wrong with me?

- Oh, Beach.
- Look what I found
in the trashcan.

That is from a
toilet paper roll.

If you'd ever replaced
one, you'd know it.

Oh, right.

- Mom?
- What honey?

This is the first time
anyone's broken my heart.


What can I do for you?
What do you want right now?

Great. Reward her. Reward
her frivolous, superficial,

unthinking, 100 percent
adolescent immaturity.


Go on.

I want... I...

It's like... It's like Holden,
what's his name, Caulfield

in Catcher in the Rye.

When he hates that
everything seems fake.

- You read Catcher in the Rye?
- Did you?


- It's my favorite book.
- Mine, too.

Beach, why did you think
of Catcher in the Rye?

I don't know, it's just Mom
asked me what I wanted

and it made me think
of Holden Caulfield,

and how he wanted to stand
at the edge of some field.

And all these kids
are running around.

They don't know where they're
going and he's scared for them.

And... And he just
wants to catch them.

That's what I want.

I just wanna be catched.

You wanna be "caught."

I want Mom!

It's like trying to reel in
a marlin. I was this close.

- You wanna go home?
- Yeah. Let me go wash my face.

Beach, I'm sorry.

What happened to the
guy who kicked in the door?

I don't know.

I guess I found my little
girl on the other side.

She read Catcher In The Rye.

Just when I'm ready to give
up on her, she surprises me.

Yeah, she's full of surprises.

Gee, we always thought
Kerry was the deep one.

[all cheering] Go,
Li'l K. Go, Li'l K. Go!

Yeah, I go here.

See, I'm a genius.

You should come to my
lecture on To Kill A Mockingbird.

You know, they don't
kill a bird in it or anything.

- You're kidding me? Kerry!
- Rory Joseph Hennessy.

You get over here right now.

Back off, Buckeyes.