8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 19 - Cool Parent - full transcript

Paul drives Rory to school, who begs his dad not to leave the car - ever - after dropping him off. Paul decides to investigate Rory's behavior and confronts the boys in the school that have been calling Rory names. During this conversation, the boys realize that Paul is wearing slippers and they laugh and call him Slipper-Dad. Paul's actions and slippers mortify Rory. That night, Bridget and Kerry tell Paul that they heard about his slippers at Rory's school through the grapevine. The girls insist that they have been scarred for life - again - because of this.

- [both giggling]
- 'Morning, girls.

- No, then he said to me...
- 'Morning, girls.

- What's up?
- [both] Nothing!

- Jason said... Then he said...
- [both giggling]

What? What is it?

- Nothing!
- Private convo, Dad. God!

- His hair.
- In his ear?


What? What's that?
What's that you say?

You want me to walk you
to school from now on?

I didn't think so.

[groans] That was
a sharp pain, Dad,

but I'll go to school
if you say so.

I say so. You're faking.

[groans louder]

What...? Rory?

Why are you trying to
get out of going to school?

Older kids have been
calling him names.

- Shut up.
- What names?

Um, Dork, Dorky,
Dr. Dorkenstein.


Being called names is
not a reason to miss school.

Sticks and stones... I know you
guys are calling me names. Knock it off.

Nip it in the bud.

Dad, please, can I stay home?

Rory, if it'll make
you feel any better,

I'll talk to the guys
when I drop you off.

Are you insane?

You can never get
out of the car, ever.

- OK.
- Promise. Say it out loud.

- You won't get out of the car.
- I won't get out of the car.

You guys think you're big
men calling my son names?

- That make you feel important,
does it?
- Dude, your dad left the car.

I know.

We're sorry, Mr. Hennessy,

but we only called
him Rory Borealis

'cause he has a crush on this
girl named Allison and she's boring.

That's it?!


Well, stop.

- OK.
- Check it out.

- [boys chuckling]
- What?

You wore your slippers?

- So?
- Slippers.

What up, Slipper Dad?

You realize we're
gonna have to move.

[both laughing]

- Oh.
- What?

I'm just sitting here.

You honestly don't even
know what you did, do you?

- Hmm. Slipper Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

How did you even know about
that? Rory doesn't go to your school.

- Uh, hello!
- Grapevine.

Rory's friends have big
mouths, like my friend Tiffany.

I'm telling everyone she let one
slip during sit-ups in gym class.

- We're scarred for life
yet again, Dad.
- You're overreacting.

- This will blow over.
- Hey, Bridge, Kerry...

- Slipper Dad.
- What?

- You heard too?
- Detroit's a small town. People talk.

What were you
doing out of the car?

OK. Everybody, I
am deeply, truly sorry.

And you can make it up to us.

Ashley's having a party.
Her old boyfriend Tyler

will get in her new boyfriend Blake's
face, which only leads to one thing.

Dance-off! Uh-huh.

Yeah, Mom and Dad,
dance-off. Uh-huh.

Hey, you know how I feel
about you guys going to parties.

Come on, Dad, don't
be a dork, please.

You never let us
have parties here.

You've had a lot
of parties here.

Yeah, parties with moon
bounces and dancing clowns.

And morons dressed
like the Lone Ranger.

Your father is not a moron.

Sure, this coming from Tonto.

- Hey, buddy.
- Don't call me buddy.

You crossed a line, Dad,

and you crossed it in slippers.

Come on, Rory, you're
all I've got in this house.

I'm drowning in a sea of
estrogen. You're my life raft.

Not anymore.
Unless... No monkey.

Fine. Don't come knocking at my
door when Mom rents Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Wait. All right. How about a squirrel
monkey, but keep him in the garage?

- Chimpanzee, stays in my room.
- Squirrel monkey, in the attic.

- No deal.
- OK, squirrel monkey,
attic, BB gun.

Bargaining with monkeys?
You sad, sad man.

Remember when the kids looked
up to me? They thought I was cool.

Yeah. It's called parental
dorkdom. Comes with the territory.

Remember I was choking on
that lemon wedge at Parent Night

and Coach McNabb
gave me the Heimlich?

Which he enjoyed
a little too much.

I was choking.

Then why was he smiling?

The point is, I've been there.

We've all been there. Accept it.

Come to the dork side, Paul.

I will not go gently, Cate.

Sue me if I miss the days of
moon bounces in the backyard.

- All right, well,
I'm done helping you.
- [phone ringing]

Hello? Yeah, Bridge.

- What?
- What?

- What?!
- What?!

Don't move a muscle. The
police just busted Ashley's party.

- What's the address?
- Oh, my God, let's go.

- Paul.
- What?

Yo, yo, yo! Slippa
Dizzie in the hizzie.

- Anthony.
- Don't worry, Mr. Henn.

The Five-O be
makin' a big mistake.

My pops is gonna go all Johnnie
Cochran on these fools, nahmeen?

Bridget and Kerry Hennessy.

You guys aren't gonna
embarrass us, are you?

God forbid we embarrass you
in front of your friends, the police!

You lied. You said you were
going to Ashley's house for the party.

No. Technically I told you
Ashley was having a party.

I didn't tell you it was at...

- My house!
- Tommy?

Now you visit after your daughters
almost get arrested. Don't even bother.

Hey, how you doin', hot stuff?

Very well, thanks.
How's your wife?

I don't know. She was sick
yesterday, never woke up today.

If I were a betting man,
I'd say either plumbing or...

How about a hug?

- No.
- Come on.

No at the supermarket,
no at the video store,

no at the post office... No!

We'll always have the bank.

God, Tommy, I'm
standing right here.

Yeah, but I like women.

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. H.

Uh, Dad, the cops
want to talk to you.

You fingered me as your
father? Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

Go to the garage, cover up the box
marked "Hawaii vacation." Just go.

[chuckling] It's really a...

- Paul?
- Oh, jeez.

Diane. Cate, this
is Diane Sharpe,

Tommy's and my boss' wife,
and their daughter Rachel.

Hey, he's wearing shoes.

No, he's probably got
the slippers in the car.

They're driving moccasins.

- Tommy?
- [Tommy] Huh?

There are cops here.

You've got a beer can
pyramid in your driveway.

- What kind of parent are you?
- [all] Yeah!

Hey, who are you to judge me?

I'm the one who opens my
house to kids, even with a sick wife.

You all do nothing.

- Where else
are the kids gonna go?
- Anywhere but here. Am I right?

That's exactly right.

- Dad, please stop.
- You're making a scene.

I'm getting started. I'll see to
it this never happens again.

OK, big mouth. After the
basketball finals, next week,

when the kids get together, like
they always do, if not here, where?

- You want to know where? I'll tell you.
- All right.

My God, this is worse than the
time you choked on the lemon, Mom.


They can go someplace safe,

someplace where a
responsible parent is in charge.

Someplace where we are
secure in the knowledge

that our children are going to
have a good, wholesome time.

- Yeah.
- Thank you, Paul.

You're welcome. For what?

- Oh, Paul.
- For volunteering
your house. God.

[music playing]

No offense,

but this is, like, the
dullest party ever.

At least you get to leave.

Hey, Dad, can you stop
doing... this to people?

Unless it makes you disappear.

Hey, Rachel. What's up?


I noticed you went
outside with your drink.

Let me just freshen
that up for you.


OK, I'm trying to be a good
host. There it is, fresh as a daisy.

I tell you, Rory, they are not
gonna put one over on me, right, pal?

All those years I laughed while you
screwed up Bridget and Kerry's lives.

But I'm not laughing now,
man. I'm not laughing now.

- Mom! He's ruining our party.
- Mom!

Uh, Paul, can I just
see you for a minute?


[all] Oooh!

- What?
- Paul, you are unbelievable.

I may be a loser to my girls
but I'm a hero to the parents.

- You mean to your boss' wife?
- I think she's cute,
that's all.

Oh, you mean... No...

Listen, I am just saying I have
a responsibility to their children.

Then just give
their party a chance.

Go down every 15 minutes
instead of every five.

Easy for you to say.
You're not under pressure.

You work in the
emergency room all night.

Don't cry to me. You
volunteered our house

on the week you knew I
was working graveyard shifts.

- Trade you.
- No.


- Paul, honey.
- Huh?

- I thought you were going
to work.
- Yeah, I did.

Uh... Come here, sweetie. I
want to show you something.


Oh, this is bad.

Twenty-seven messages.

Hmm. I wonder what they want.

You could've woken me up.

Yeah, I could have.

You could have
stayed in the car.


I'm sorry, really. Sorry.

I know, 3:00 AM, I know.

Yo, Slippa D,

your party be all Dennis Rodman
and whatnot. Fo' sheez, yo!

Nice going, jackass.

- Drive safely.
- This party rocked.

Well, it's official.

I am now a loser to
both kids and parents.

Nick Sharpe dragged me
over the coals at work today.

- You know, Nick Sharpe
can kiss my...
- Paul.

His daughter's here?

Parents are actually allowing
their kids to come over?

Yeah. They're just studying.

Besides, the parents trust me.

Pardon me, I'm gonna take a shower.
Try to stay awake while I'm gone.

- Hi, Mr. Hennessy.
- Rachel. What's up?

- Nothing.
- Of course.

I'm just trying to write this stupid
essay on The Old Man and the Sea.

Oh, you're reading Hemingway?

Yeah, but it's just
this depressing story

about sharks eating
some old guy's fish.

Rachel's talking to Dad.
Rachel doesn't talk to anybody.

Why Dad?

No idea. It's a total enigma.


- Mystery.
- Oh, yeah, totally.

Thanks, Mr. Hennessy.

Don't say anything, but
my dad was no help at all.

He is such a loser.

Now come on, Rachel,
he's a very busy man.

Granted, he gets paid very well

and he can be a little pomp...
But that's neither here nor there.

Your secret is safe with me.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

I gotta get home for dinner.

Hey, Andre, let's go.

Mr. Hennessy, is this
you at Tiger Stadium?

Oh, yeah, that's when I
interviewed Kirk Gibson

when he returned
to Detroit in '93.

- Your dad's cool.
- Yeah, we know. Bye-bye.

"Yeah, we know"?
What do we know?

'Cause, unless
I'm hallucinating,

it sounded a little bit
like we know I'm cool.

- Don't make a big thing of it.
- No, I'm not.

So, if your friends...

If your friends think
I'm cool, I'm cool?

- Sure.
- Yeah, I guess.


I am exhausted.
Good night, honey.

- Will it bother you
if I read?
- Uh-huh.

I was just thinking about the
events of the day. Strange.

Talking might actually
bother me more than reading.

The girls' friends were
actually nice to me today.

They were interested in me.

One of them even told me
something in confidence.

- Who?
- I'm sorry,
that's confidential.

Oh. OK, good night.

Rachel Sharpe, the boss's
daughter. No big deal.

I'm telling you, Cate,
something has shifted.

There was a silver
lining to that awful party,

some fantastic serendipity,

like a phoenix rising
out of the ashes.

- You're talking.
- Cate!

This is important. Rachel
Sharpe can talk to me

and cannot talk to her father,

and other kids are seeing
me in a different light.

That makes Bridget and
Kerry see me in a different light.

I'm the go-to dad, if you will.

Because you accidentally
fell asleep at a party?

Cate, I'm telling
you, for some reason

the children have
been brought to me.

Look, Paul, you're cool now,

just like Tommy
was cool last week.

But it'll pass.

Well, you may be right. Jealous.

But until that time happens,

I am going to bask in
this moment in the sun.

It's my Brigadoon.

You know what, Paul?

Say that to the kids,

because the kids today,
they love the musicals.

Oh, my God, I don't know who Grace
Slick is, but I have the same pants.

- This is a great collection.
- My dad has cool taste
in music.

- Oh...
- Don't.

Know who else was
great? The Rolling Stones.

- I love them. They're like U2.
- Only old and ugly.

- Bread? Cat Stevens?
- Your mother's.

[all laughing]

Enjoying Brigadoon?

Brigadoon. That's your
mother's favorite musical.

She just adores it!

Oh, she adores... adores it.

Look at them, Cate. I'm
bordering on folk hero status.

You fell asleep.

All right, I'm gonna
get out of here now.

- No parties.
- Yeah.

Love you.

Gee, you're thin. Three
children, you? Nah.

Ashley, Jasmine.

Oh, Bridget, remember
what your mother said about...

She said no parties. This
is a couple of friends over.

Plus, look at Bridget.

Her clothing-to-skin
ratio is totally non-party.

- Exactly.
- As long as it's
a couple of friends,

then maybe I'd better make us a
pizza run. What about that, huh?

- Rory, you want to tag along?
- No.

Alrighty, then.

[music playing]

Bridgie, Care
Bear, private convo.

- What's going on?
- Looks like a party.

But I could be wrong.

What happened to a
couple of friends over?

- More came,
so now it's a kick-back.
- You mean a party?

No. Mom said we can't have
parties. Twenty or fewer is a kick-back.

- That's about right.
- Dad, it's Mom.

- Just a sec.
- Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Honey, hi.

You're on your way home?

Circling the block? Why?

A party? No.

Who told you that?

Fred Doyle called you at work?

Well, if he was so mad,
why didn't he call here?

Oh, Dad, Fred Doyle called,

- while you left us all alone!
- Rory!

Go turn down the music! Honey...

No, I did not... I
went to get the...

It is not a party. It
is called a kick-back.

Yes, it is.

Twenty or fewer is
called a kick-back.

Yes, it is!

Yes, it is!

Yes, it is.

Your mother thought this was a party,
but this is so obviously a kick-back.

Cate... What?

What? What?!

I can't hear you. You gotta
speak up. I can't hear over...

Brigadoon. That's
very, very funny.

- Hey, Papa H.
- Yeah, K-man?

Tell Andre about the time
you interviewed Magic Johnson.

- You interviewed Magic Johnson?
- Sure did, Dre, sure did.

- Mr. Hennessy...
- Just a second, honey.

I interviewed Magic
when he was in high school

and Michigan lost him to MSU.

Man, I miss your stories!

Yeah, Rach?

My mom and dad said it's OK I
spend the night here if that's OK

- with you and Mrs. Hennessy.
- Sure.

- If they call,
you'll talk to them?
- No problem.

Awesome. See ya!

- Wait, hold on!
- Dad!

- Where do you think
you're going?
- Dad, don't embarrass us.

- Please don't make a scene.
- I'm not making a scene.

Rach, honey, it's me.
Let's talk this through.

- Yo, yo, yo!
- Hey!

Anthony, what the hell are
you doing? Who are these guys?

- Dad,
aren't you getting sleepy?
- Mr. Henn,

look at you all crinkly brow,
and eyes all bulgin' and whatnot.

Shoot. Yo, you want a beer, dog?

Yeah, I want a beer, dog.
In fact, I want all the beers.

You know what else?

I want the music
to stop right now,

and I want
everybody out of here.

Man, Mr. Henn. Why you
gots to be trippin', dude?

And I want you to
stop talking like an idiot.

I hear that.

Dad, this is officially a scene.

I want your car keys
and I want them now.

Jeez. How are my friends
and I supposed to get home?

I have a lacrosse
game in the morning.

I will drive you. I'll drive
all of you in the minivan.

Oh, my God, the Loser Cruiser?

- Dad, you don't have
to do that.
- I have to do that.

Everybody, move out right
now. Come on, let's go. Go on.

Let's go. Come on.

Hey, Cate.

Well, I see the children
were brought to you.

You were right.

Cool Dad is vanishing
into the night in a minivan.

Oh, I'm sorry. So
much for Brigadoon.

Oh, hell. Still my
favorite musical.

Everybody, let's go. Out!

- Come on.
- This is gonna
get all over school.

Starting tomorrow, we
promise no more parties.

- Just be cool for now.
- Cool, huh?

Let me give that
some thought. Uh...

No. Girls, fetch my slippers.

Welcome back to
the dork side, Paul.

Honey, you did the right thing.

One day the kids
will laugh about this.

Rory, shouldn't you be in bed?

Yeah, but I was kinda,
sorta feeling bad for Dad.

And seeing how he
was feeling tonight,

it made me want to
give him a present.

Hey, you got the boy back.

A present for me? What is it?


Dozens of slippers!

All the slippers that have been
stuffed in my locker all week

- because you had to get out
of the car!
- Rory, you can't...

Ooh, sheepskin.