8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 16 - Come and Knock on Our Door - full transcript

Paul is trying to get Kerry and Bridget to talk to each other after they both date Kyle. Kyle tries to get Bridget back and has his brother's apartment for the weekend. Paul, frustrated by the whole thing, dozes off and dream Kyle is Jack Tripper, his daughters are Janet and Chrissy, He and Cate are the Ropers with Rory is Larry from Three's Company.

Hey, honey. Look
at this stun gun.

It's able to
incapacitate someone

with a bone-rattling yet
non-lethal burst of electricity.

You're not still fantasizing
about punishing Kyle, are you?

Why? Just because he cheated on my
daughter with my other daughter? Never.

Do you think this thing could
go through a snowboard jacket?

Paul, have you ever heard the
expression "Two wrongs don't make a right"?

- Ooh! A crossbow! This is...
- Give me that.

Look, what Kyle did was wrong,
but all teenage boys make mistakes.

Not all.

[scoffs] Paul, your yearbook
quote was "Born to boogie."

Hey, disco was not my mistake,
it was the mistake of a nation.

Paul, I am really
worried about the girls.

They are in uncharted
territory here.

A fight like this could ruin
their relationship for years.

Don't you think
you're overreacting?

Says the man with the crossbow.

I really don't think
I'm overreacting.

Bridget won't even
speak to Kerry anymore.

The silent treatment.
I like the sound of that.

Kyle kissed me.
I didn't kiss him.

Bridget, you can't
hate me forever.

Yes, I can.

You stole my boyfriend, made
me a laughingstock at school,

and worst, you did
it wearing my top!

Mom! Dad!

- Get them on your side.
- It was not my fault.

- Does it matter that
you ruined my life?
- If you'd pay attention

instead of flirting with boys
who wouldn't go out with you.

Yeah, right, Bridget.

I'm telling you, Cate, crossbow.
Crossbow, and the problem goes away.

Uh, Paul, could you
hand me that bowl?


I'm sorry, honey, did
you say something?

- You're wearing earplugs?
- Yeah.

Turns out Bridget's not that
great at the silent treatment.

I don't think you realize
how difficult this is.

Hello, I'm wearing earplugs.

For the girls!

Paul, Bridget is hurt
and Kerry's confused.

I keep trying to get them to
have a real conversation about it,

and... Ugh! I just
don't know what to do.

I know what to do.

You're not killing Kyle.

Fine. Let's do it your
way and be there for them.

Rory, those jeans are a mess.


I'm taking you shopping.

I think I'm a little too old to
go shopping with my mom.

Yeah, maybe. But last time
I gave you money for pants,

you bought a surfboard.

- It was on sale.
- We live in Michigan.

- Now.
- Here.

We're trusting you with
this money, all right?

Don't worry, I won't
spend it on anything stupid.

Hello, wet suits.

Good morning, Beach.

Bridge, I'm making mac and
cheese for dinner tonight, your favorite.

That's the other
girl's favorite,

the backstabbing boyfriend stealer
you force me to share a room with.

Honey, I'm here
if you want to talk,

'cause I realize that you're
really upset with Kerry.

- Kerry? Who's Kerry?
- The backstabbing
boyfriend stealer.

She knows, Rory. She knows.

Oh, so I was just rubbing it in.

I'm going to Ashley's for support.
She went through the same thing.

Kerry kissed Ashley's
boyfriend too?

Man, she gets around.

Rory, stop that!

Hey, Kerry. I'm making mac
and cheese tonight, your favorite.

- I hate mac and cheese.
- Really?

Plus, I'm gonna go see a
movie with Megan tonight.

Can you take me? I
need to get some clothes.

- Yeah, sure.
- Rory, wait a minute.

- I'm making mac and cheese...
- It's not my favorite either.

OK, somebody here loves
mac and cheese. Who is it?!

[doorbell rings]


Mr. Hennessy.

You came after my family.

And nobody, I repeat,
nobody comes after my family.

[nervous chuckle]

What, are you gonna
have me whacked?


What do you want?

Kerry's not here. Oh, and I
don't have any more sisters.


Nice one.

- Bridget,
we really need to talk.
- Ha! Talk to the hand.

No one does that
anymore, Dad. That's lame.

- Lame.
- OK, you want to talk?

You're a slut, you jumped my
sister, I never want to see you again.

Wow! We did need to talk.

Give me five minutes,
that's all I'm asking.

[sighing] Can you excuse us?

Make it four minutes.
I'll be right upstairs.

- Is that your snowboard jacket?
- Yeah.

Thin, that's good.

OK, talk.

You totally made me feel
like an outsider at that party.

And then I ran into Kerry and
she's, like, always an outsider,

so... I don't know, I
guess we just bonded.

Bonded? Bonded is like,
"You like that band? Me too"

not "Hi, I'm dating your
sister, let's make out."

I swear, it didn't
mean anything.

You kissed my sister. My sister!

- Some things can't be forgiven.
- [Paul] Three minutes left.

Listen, I'm apartment-sitting
for my brother.

I'll be here tonight if you
want to stop by and really talk.

Don't count on it.

Man! Great time to
get the apartment.

Cate, this was a
spectacular dinner.

Great food, wine, candlelight.

Uh... Happy anniversary.

Your surprise hasn't come yet.

Well, let's hope it
gets here by July,

when we were married.

Honey, I was just thinking,
with the kids going out

and no craziness for a while,
we could have a romantic dinner.

And then, later, maybe...

in the words of Marvin Gaye,
there could be some, uh...

Tears of a Clown?

- Sexual Healing.
- Oh, right! Yeah.

No, Tears of a Clown
was by The Miracles.

Actually, Smokey
Robinson and The Miracles...

Paul, this would be a
really good time to kiss me.

- Oh, right.
- [horn honking]

It's Megan's sister. Barf.

- Rory, let's go!
- Just be home on time.

See ya. Oh, by the way,
one of my sources tells me

that Kyle is staying at
his brother's bachelor pad,

- and he invited
Bridget over tonight.
- What source is that, Rory?

You hiding in the closet?

I'm like a Navy SEAL.

Here's the address.

Well, so much for
our romantic evening.

What do you mean?

Aren't you going to obsess
about Bridget going to Kyle's?

You forget. I saw the breakup.

Bridget ripped out Kyle's
heart and stomped on it.

It was beautiful.

- This is really nice.
- I know.

Bridget broke up with Kyle.
All is right with the world.

Paul, romantic evening.
I made the damn dinner.

- Focus.
- Sorry.

You don't think Bridget's
going over there tonight, do you?

[sighs] No, I don't. Come
on, honey, stop worrying.

Nothing's gonna happen tonight
with Bridget or Kyle or Kerry.

Right. Why'd you
throw Kerry in there?

- I did not...
- Kerry's the one he kissed.

Maybe she's going over there
for a little Tears of a Clown.

- It's Sexual Healing.
- That's even worse.

I've been stressing
about the girls all week.

Can't we have a little quality time
before I stress about them again?

It's a nightmare, both my daughters
at some swinging bachelor's pad

in a sleazy love triangle.

[scoffs] This is the worst
Tears of a Clown I've ever had.

It just... I'm going
to finish the cake.

- Love you.
- Don't care.

[man] And now, more episodes
of your favorite television classics.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door

[woman] ♪ Come
and knock on our door

[man] ♪ We've
been waiting for you

[woman] ♪ We've
been waiting for you

- [pounding on door]
- [Paul] Kyle! Open up!

I know you've got both
my daughters in there.

- [pounding]
- Kyle!

This place looks familiar.

What are you doing here?

I should ask you
the same question.

What do you mean?
We live together.

[man] ♪ Down at our rendezvous

[woman] ♪ Down at our rendezvous

[both] ♪ Three's company, too ♪

Wait, wait, wait, let
me get this straight.

The three of you... live here?

Uh-huh. And you're our landlord.

I am?

I hope so, or someone else
is cashing our rent checks.

[laughing, snorting]

Let me tell you, no daughters
of mine are living with this guy.

I'm packing your bags.

Wait, wait, wait! No, it's not
what you think. Is it, Bridget?

Uh... No... Yes... Uh... Kyle...

- Kyle's gay.
- He is?

I am?

I mean, I am. Very.

Oh, my, look at those
drapes. They're filthy.

Wait a minute!

You expect me to believe
that three single people

are living under the same roof

and nothing is gonna
happen because he's gay?

As crazy a premise
as that sounds, yes.

I'll buy it.

I always knew you
were a little tutti-frutti.

[knock on door]

- Who is it?
- [Cate] It's Cate.

I'll get it.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Hi, Kyle.

- So there you are.
- What's the deal
with that dress?

I always wear these. In fact,
I never wear anything else.


Guess what?
Turns out Kyle's gay,

so we don't have to worry
about any hanky-panky going on.

Mmm. I haven't worried about any
hanky-panky since our honeymoon.

And even then, I didn't
have to worry about much.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go water my
plants and have black hair.

Oh, can you take a look at
this light switch? It won't turn on.

You got the wrong
man for that job.

Sure thing. I'll fix it.

Thanks, it's so great to
have a man around the house.

Get away from me!

Cate, there is something
weird going on with these three.

I'd like to do something
weird with three people,

especially if it
involved my tennis pro

and that bagger
from the supermarket.

Wow, something smells good.

Thanks. I made Kerry some
homemade cinnamon buns.

She's been really
down since her fern died.

That's so sweet.

I still think there's something
fishy going on here.

Oh, you're always so suspicious.

[Bridget] Ooh, those
are some great buns.

Ooh, Mama likes.


[Bridget] Wow, they're
so round and firm.

[Kyle] Why don't you
go ahead and grab one?

[Bridget] Kyle, I
thought you'd never ask.

Mmm... This is just
what I've been needing.

Why don't we get Kerry in here?
I've got enough for the both of you.

Just as I suspected. Get
your hands off those...

cinnamon buns.
They're fattening.

What's wrong?

I just thought you were...
[stuttering] Fum... fumfer...

Oh! You just overheard something
and assumed it meant something else.

It was a misunderstanding.

That happens a lot around here.

No, no, no, I don't care.

There's something about this
living situation that's a little too weird.

[stammering, clears throat]

Well, what's so weird about it?



This is Inga and this is Helga.

I just met them down
at the Regal Beagle.

They're Swedish
and they're twins.

Say hello, sisters.

- [both speaking Swedish]
- I love it when they do that!

- Rory...
- Kyle, what do you say we take
these ladies out for a little...

night on the town?

Why would Kyle be
interested? He's gay.

Kyle? [chuckles]


Are you kiddin' me? This guy's
the biggest ladies' man in town.

- He's what?!
- I'm afraid he's right.

I just acted like I was gay so I
could have both of your daughters.

- Right, girls?
- [both] Right.



- [pounding on door]
- [Paul] Kyle! Open up.

I know you're in there.

Mr. Hennessy.

Before you come any closer,

there's a letter at my
house instructing the police

to question you in
the event of my death.

- Where's Bridget?
- She's not here. We broke up, remember?

- [shuffling] - Then what is
that? Bridget, get out here.

- Kerry?
- Dad.


I have one question
for you. Are you gay?

- No.
- Wrong answer.

- [knock on door]
- I'll get it.

- Dad?
- Bridget.

- Kerry.
- Kyle!

- You are dead!
- You are dead!

- It's not what it looks like.
- It's not what it looks like.

Sweet. This is better
than my birthday.

- Rory, get in the car.
- Oh, man.

Give me this.

All right, I want somebody to
tell me what is going on here.

Isn't it obvious? She came
to finish stealing my boyfriend.

Right. That's why I
brought our little brother.

I didn't say you
were good at it.

The reason I came here was to try
and fix things between you and Kyle.

- Oh, please.
- Please stop shutting me out.

I can't stand you hating me.

Is she still here?

Wait... Kerry! I'm
not through with you,

and I'm following
you home. Kerry!

- So, I guess...
- No, don't.

I just came here to
give this back to you.

Now we're officially broken up.


Well, I guess we both
knew that was coming.

I don't think we should
be exclusive right now.

Are we still friends?

I hope so.

- So we can still
hang out, right?
- In a little while.

I just don't want
anybody to get hurt.

'Cause I think we're
mature enough...

No. My dad really
wants to hurt you.

[Paul] Let's go, Bridget!

I gotta go.

Kids, do me a favor. If your
mom asks, I didn't go to Kyle's.

Tell her that I went to
the store for some milk.

Right. Mom, Dad
didn't go to Kyle's.

He went out for milk.

Honey, you're up.

- That's mine!
- No, it's not.

- It is.
- So I'm taking something

that belongs to you.
That sounds familiar!

This ends now! You two are making
this house unbearable for all of us.

I'm kind of enjoying it.

Rory, wait in the car.

- But we're home.
- In the car!

- Give it back,
boyfriend stealer!
- I have done all I can...

- Is someone talking to me?
- OK, look.

You know you're gonna
get over this, right?

- I seriously doubt it.
- Really?

Honey, do you remember
that Merry Melanie doll

- you had when you were little?
- Yeah.

- I remember Kerry
ripping its arm off.
- By accident.

And you swore that you would
never speak to Kerry again.

Do you know how long
that lasted? Three hours.

- It was just a doll.
- Right.

And one day you're gonna be
saying that Kyle was just a boyfriend.

Now look, I know this
is a huge deal right now.

But, the fact is, you're
gonna have a lot of boyfriends.

Oh, that's true.

But you are never
gonna have another sister.

Tears of a Clown

Please, Bridget?

Well, I guess I can't
be mad at you forever.

Maybe it was partly my fault.

Maybe I was ignoring
Kyle just to drive him away.

I just didn't think I'd
drive him to my sister.

Well, honey, what
did you expect,

that he'd pine for you the
rest of his life and die alone?


It's a girl thing.

So are we OK?

Yeah, I guess.

God, can you believe Dad
barged into the house like that?

- Did you see
what he was wearing?
- Look at those shoes.

He must buy them in bulk.

- So back to our
romantic evening?
- Yeah, in one minute.

- What now?
- I gotta let Rory
out of the garage.




Ah, forgot my notebook.

[gasps, panting]


Cate, I had another
strange dream.


Honey, you're not still upset because I
ruined our romantic evening, are you?

[both screaming]

I always thought
you were a little fruity.

Well, you better nip
it. Nip it in the bud!