8 Simple Rules (2002–2005): Season 1, Episode 15 - Kerry's Big Adventure - full transcript


Jason and I just
aren't happening.

Maybe we're too much alike.

My romantic ideal guy is a
rugged, spiritual adventurer

who's intense and stoic,

- but also really, really funny.
- Hmm.

hair, piercing eyes,

Italian accent, rides a Vespa.

Answers to the name Furio.


Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I'm just
thinking about my ideal guy.

I thought that was Dad.

Sometimes I call him Daddy.

Uh... Anyway, honey, I spent a
long time waiting for my perfect guy,

until one day my mom told
me if I'd let go of the fantasy,

someone real could come in

and, in time, become
the man of my dreams.

[Paul] Cate, I
can't find my socks.

And it happened.

Mom, do you think I'll ever
have another boyfriend?

Oh, honey, you just don't know
how beautiful you are, do you?

- Stop it.
- Never.

I'm gonna go get ready for work.

- [sighs] Did you find them?
- Sock drawer.


Hey, Care Bear.

What were you and
your mother talking about?

- Nothing.
- You OK? Your face is puffy.

- Dad!
- Not bad puffy.

Oh, right, you
mean the good puffy.

- Look, Jason and I broke up.
- You broke up?

Yeah, but I talked it out
with Mom, and I'm OK, OK?

Sure. OK.

You know, if you need another
perspective on this, I'm here.

Your choice.

Not prying. Did he dump you?

No, it was mutual.

Mutual? Get ready for
a slew of phone calls

from him trying to
get back together.

He hasn't called.

Give him a day. If you meant
anything at all to him, he'll come begging.

[sniffles] We
broke up last week!

- Um... Hey...
- [sobbing, sniffling]

You talked to Dad?

What were you thinking?


She just needed a good cry.

[screams] Don't sneak up on
people! What are you doing?

- I'm loving you,
if you don't mind.
- Sorry, working.

Me too.

Hey, you know what I
was daydreaming about?


Our dream vacation
we always talked about.

You, me, Italy.

Alone, just you and me.


we rent a 40-foot
RV, load up the kids

and visit all 30 of the Major
League Baseball parks.

- Yeah!
- Hey!

- Daddy, is this a good time?
- No, not really.

I know you told me I couldn't go
out because my grades were slipping.

Danielle's having this major party.
I have to go. Jenna will be there.

She's moving in on my friends,
copying me. Now she's after Danielle,

my fifth-best friend
since, like, forever.

Bridge, you might
want to sit down for this.

- OK.
- Um... No.

[door opening]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Wait a minute.

Is that little Christina?
I haven't seen you...

since you and Kerry
were in the fifth grade.


I haven't been over here
since your tenth birthday party

with the Spice
Girl impersonators.

It was fun. What
was wrong with it?

They were Spice
Girl impersonators.

Five middle-aged women
with wigs... who'd been drinking.

- Yeah, it was
a lame party, Dad.
- You said she'd like it.

- Yeah.
- You...

Listen, I have to go to that
party if Jenna's gonna be there.

'Cause if she makes her
move, it's gonna be tonight.

- Let's go upstairs.
- Wait. Please. I'm riveted.


Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, I just can't stand
the mess anymore.

I found pop bottles,
candy wrappers,

and under your bed,
books, clothes, and a tire.

- That's gonna
be part of my first car.
- Uh-huh.

Honey, we need to talk. You're on a
tear. What's with the cleaning frenzy?

The kids keep this
house so messy.

It just makes me
Furio... Furious.

- I'll give you some privacy.
- What's in the box?

- Nothing!
- Nothing? What's... Cate!

Paul, it's just his secret box.

I'm giving him his small
measure of privacy.

That's the difference
between you and me.

I want to know what's
going on in our kids' lives.

I bet you don't know who
Kerry is with right now.

- Christina.
- Christi...

- You don't know what room
she's in?
- Basement.

- Why'd you even come up here?
- Do you even remember

Oh, yeah. She was one of
the friends Kerry cut loose

after your Spice Girls disaster.

It wasn't that bad.

Hey, I'm the one who
had to take their keys

and drive them home
in the Spicemobile.

And that Baby Spice? Mean drunk.

Since then Christina has grown
into a walking cloud of gloom.

I remember her as just such a happy
little girl on the playground, smoking.

I'm just afraid that since
her breakup with Jason

Kerry will move to the dark side...
Or, well, further toward the dark side.

OK, Paul, sit down.

You are my husband,
and I say this with love...

[shouting] Do not get involved!

I've decided to let
you go to the party...

- Daddy!
- but I drop you off
and pick you up.

- Around the corner,
without talk radio.
- I'll be there at midnight.

- Ish.
- You have to take your sister.

- Never gonna happen.
- Deal breaker.

- That's blackmail.
- It's bartering.

I do something, you
do something for me.

I don't wanna go with my sister.

They'll call me "girl that goes
to parties with little sister."

Could call you "girl who
stays home Saturday night

while Jenna and Danielle
became fourth-best friends."

Didn't want to have to say that.

Why do you want Kerry
to go to Danielle's party?

I want her to
expand her horizons.

There'll be a wider range of kids
there than the one she's zeroed in on.

So my friends would be
a good influence on her?

No! Well, yeah, kind of.

It's like when a prisoner
has a matching kidney.

OK, bartering. I could use
$40 for a new top for tonight.

- Forty dollars? I'm not paying you.
- OK, fine.

What about 20?

[rock music playing]


Jenna! [fake laughter]

[sighs] OK, remind
me, why am I here?

Well, you're hurting and
you're my baby sister.

I want you to know
I'm here for you.

- Danielle! Hi!
- [Danielle] Bridget!

Oh, wow, who are they?

My brother and his
friends from college.

College boys? They look
like they do in the magazines.

Excuse me, but isn't that
Kyle, your boyfriend, over there?

See? You do know somebody.

OK, for the next five
minutes I'm in college.

Hey, Kerry. What
are you doing here?

I'm with Bridget.

Yeah, me too.

- Why do you put up with her?
- Same reason you do.

Well, I put up with her
'cause she's my sister.

Right. Has nothing to
do with how hot she is.

So, you read any
good books lately?

Rule of the Bone
by Russell Banks.

- Really?
- I know! I get that a lot.

- Hi, Kyle.
- Hey, Jenna.

You know, Kyle, I admire you.

The fact that you can stay
with a stuck-up princess

who totally waxes her upper lip

and isn't happy unless she's
the center of attention... Bridget.

Jenna, her sister.

Oh... I'm totally sorry.

[Kerry] No, please, go on.

Who's superficial, self-centered,
narcissistic, full of herself,

like, "Hi, I'm God's gift
to the entire planet..."

fashion disaster,

thinks she's cutting edge
'cause she knows who Moby is...


Oh, my God, I can't
stand this party.

It's not so bad. See?
Bridget's having a good time.

- You want to go dance?
- Yeah.

[rock music playing]

[both chuckling]

- You're a good dancer.
- Yeah, you too, for the '80s.


It's funny, I've known you all
this time and don't really know you.

Yeah. I never knew
you liked to read.

I never knew you could read.

Hey, you know, thanks
for keeping me company.

Ah, no problem.

- Oh, man!
- That did not happen.

Didn't happen! I'm sorry, sorry.

- Did you think Bridget saw?
- Oh, my God!

No, I think we're good.
How did that happen?

I don't know. Let's see.

We were talking, then you hugged
me, your hair smelled good, then...

- Kyle!
- That did not happen!

[doorbell rings]

Yo, Mr. Hennessy.

Oh, God, Anthony,
you were invited?

Invited? Yo, this my crib, dawg.

Danielle be my sib-lang.

Look at you, all bundled up
like some kind of pig in a blanket,

making me all hungry
and whatnot. Shoot.

Where's Bridget and Kerry?

Oh, Boo One, Boo Two, they
be around here somewheres

shakin' they

Mom? You promised
you'd stay upstairs.

Dad, you can't be here, inside.

I know, it ain't cool.

I be out in my rig for over 20 minutes
just a-honkin' and a honk-a-lackin'.

And I will continue
talking this way...

OK, Dad, we got it!
Jeez, we're leaving. Relax.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Mom, do we have to?

I don't want to hear
any complaining.

The least you girls can do
is put away your own laundry.

What's her problem?
What's your problem?

Do you think I'm
blind? I saw you with...

- Oh, my God!
- Jenna.

How can you be friends with her?

Friends with Jenna... Yes, I am.

I am friends with her.

Excuse me, this is my shirt.

No, it is my shirt.

- You ripped my shirt!
- You ripped my shirt!

Done. Finally.

Hey, honey, I was thinking, um,

why don't we have a nice
dinner tonight and... turn in early?

Good idea. I'm beat.

- [Bridget and Kerry screaming]
- [thudding]

[stammering, sighing]

[both continue screaming]

- Hair, hair, hair!
- OK, sorry, I'm sorry.

[screams] Get off of me!
You shouldn't be sitting on me!

- You should thank me!
- For what?

- For taking you to the party!
- Abandoning me at the party.

If you didn't want me there
you shouldn't have invited me.

The only reason you were was
because Dad paid me to take you.


Oh, words, words,
come back, words.

Kerry, I am so,
so sorry. [sighs]

- He paid you?
- Oh, God,
I am such a bad person.

I told you something you weren't
supposed to hear and it hurt you.

- Tell me something
that will hurt me.
- I can't.

I'm not letting you
go until we're even.

- OK.
- OK.

Your eyebrows don't match.

[sobbing] OK, we're even.

Cate, aren't you even curious
about what's inside Rory's box?

Of course I am. But I'm
choosing to take a high road here

and respect the personal
boundaries of our children.

I respect our children's
personal boundaries.

I can't believe you paid Bridget
to take me to that stupid party!

You did what?

Don't listen to her.
She's talking in riddles.

You know, Paul, when I
said "do not get involved,"

it meant don't
do, you know, this.

- I'm going to Christina's.
- Don't go to...

Paul, Paul!

Now look, I've been
married to you for 20 years

and I am fond of you.

But I have to ask,
are you insane?

If loving my children is
wrong, I don't want to be right.

No, no, no. You're not gonna
Motown your way out of it this time.


When are you gonna get
it? You cannot fix everything.

I'm a man. Men fix things.

We can't help ourselves.

When the sink backs
up what do I do?

You call a man to fix it.

That's right, Cate, a man.

Do you want to watch TV or
listen to music or something?

- No.
- You're no fun.

- Sorry.
- No, I like it.

[woman] Christina,
Kerry's father is here.

Oh, my God. [sighs]

Hi, Kerry.

Hi, Christina.

Nice room.

Kerry, I'm just gonna,
you know, go upstairs,

so I don't have to
be uncomfortable.

More uncomfortable.

Kerry, honey, I'm sorry.

I just wanted you to recover
from the Jason thing a little too fast,

- so I got Bridget
to help out a little.
- I'm doing fine, thank you.

No, no. I'm... actually
not sure you are.

For your information, Christina's
got, like, a four-point-million GPA,

and can get early admission
to any Ivy League school.

- How early?
- Dad!


I don't care how
smart Christina is.

You and she are too young to
have such a negative worldview.

- Why can't you love me
for who I am?
- I do, honey.

- I don't know who that is.
- Yeah?

Well, me neither.


No, no, you're right.

I don't fit in with
Christina's group.

I don't fit in with
Bridget's group.

Jason and I aren't gonna
happen and I just... I feel so...

so mixed up all the time.

Well, honey, you...

You should tell these
things to your mother and me.

I talk to Mom a lot, but...
today she was busy cleaning

- and talking about Vespas
and Italy.
- Oh.


[groans] Oh.

Well, you can tell me anything.

It'll just be between us.

- Anything?
- Yeah.

I don't know, it's pretty bad.

Honey, I'm not here to
judge. I just... How bad?

No, you just tell me. Go ahead.

Make it fast.

Kyle and I kissed.

You did?

Are you OK?

I don't know, Dad.

It's just more
confusion, you know.

- Dad?
- Huh? Sorry.

I'm just still mentally
burying his body.

Kyle, why are you
looking at me funny?

I'm not, I swear.

Yes, you are. I
know what it's about.

You do?

It's my eyebrows, isn't it?

Oh, hi.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

You know!

[Cate] Rory Joseph
Hennessy, let go!

[Rory] You let go!

- No!
- What is in the damn box?

Cate, honey, come here, stop.

Look, I've been cleaning around it
for three days. It's driving me nuts!

[taunting] Aah!

- Key, key, key! Come on.
- Easy!

- Easy.
- Move it.


Oh, Paul, it...

It's a picture of me holding
Rory when he was a baby.

These are newspaper clippings of
when I was a sportswriter, my columns.

- You kept these?
- Yeah.

All of 'em.

Why didn't you just tell us?

I didn't want anybody to
think I was... corny, OK?

I think I need some alone time.

Oh... Yeah...
- OK, honey.
- Sure.

Look, I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

Yeah, Dad.

I kept your clippings...

on top of my false bottom

to hide my fireworks.

- All right, hand them over.
- Let's go, Rory.

You think we're that
stupid? Give me that box.

Oh, Paul, look at this. It's
like an ammo dump in here.

Ugh! You are right. We can
have no secrets in this family.

Speaking of secrets, hey,

I'm ready to go to Italy.

Just you, me, alone.

[speaks Italian]

But you know, the Italy
upstairs, not the real Italy.

Oh, yeah. OK.

[Bridget screams]
I'm gonna kill you!

What is going on?

I talked to Amanda, who talked
to Michelle, who talked to Walker,

who dates Josie, that you...

Kyle kissing Kerry
meant nothing.

Borrowed my sweater!

- What?
- You borrowed her sweater?!