8 Out of 10 Cats (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 11 - Best Bits - Part 1 - full transcript
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats:
All The Best Bits
from... Tom Allen...
..Johnny Vegas...
..Paisley Billings...
..Fred Sirieix...
..Anna Richardson...
..Liam Charles...
..Suzi Ruffell...
..Joe Swash...
..Russell Kane...
..Judi Love...
..Finn Taylor...
..Ed Gamble...
..and Rob Beckett,
their team captain.
And facing them tonight,
Stacey Solomon...
..Alex Brooker...
..Natasha Demetriou...
..Richard Osman...
..Dotty...
..Rylan Clark-Neal...
..Kiri Pritchard-McClean...
..Nish Kumar...
..Tom Read Wilson...
..Daisy Adams...
..Sophie Duker...
..Angela Barnes...
..Catherine Bohart...
..and their guest team captains,
Katherine Ryan...
..Sara Pascoe...
..Kerry Godliman...
..Josh Widdicombe...
..and Aisling Bea.
Now, welcome your host...
..Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to
the 8 Out Of 10 Cats: Best Bits,
a show about surveys, statistics and
the best bits from the last series.
Did you know, for example...
..one in four Americans
didn't read a book last year?
Probably because they were too busy
reading other stuff -
like menus.
One in five women talk
to their mum at least once a day.
And not just women. I talk to
your mum at least three times a day.
Although £3 a minute
is expensive.
And 17% of Brits have had
sex on a dining table.
Turn over.
It's time for pudding.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That
is the name of our first round.
It is our panellists' job to guess
the British public's top three
most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think
the nation has been talking about
this week?
Well, it must be the new
Brexit developments.
I don't know much about this,
but I think this might go down as
one of the worst Brexits ever.
The extensions... All I hear is
extension this, extension that.
I'm so annoyed with it. I don't even
go in my conservatory any more.
It's an extension.
I think Donald Tusk, who I can only
assume is a cartoon elephant,
he called it flextension.
And the flextension is meant to
be till June 30th, and that just
doesn't work for me, because it's my
birthday and Cheryl Cole's birthday.
And people will be having barbecues.
The next day no-one is going
to be in any fit state to
fight for diabetes medicine
in Dover. It's not a good day!
June 30th is also
when Glastonbury ends,
which I think is a really good time,
because I think it will make
the transition easier,
because you'll just
have been living in a tent,
shitting in the woods,
eating out of tins,
and then you go to no-deal Brexit,
which will be exactly the same,
except you won't have
to listen to George Ezra.
Listen, Jimmy, just between
you and me, right,
I've said some real
bad stuff about Brexit,
cos I think it's a really bad idea.
And I'm a bit worried now
that it's happening
they're going to deport me.
I basically need to roll
some of that back.
Leave means leave.
I hate all European food.
I just want to eat sausage and mash
and fish and chips,
and I just want it to get
all bunged up in my bowels,
and I just want to feel blockages,
cos there should be no freedom
of movement, whether it's goods
and people across the border
or faeces coming out of my anus!
Can we just take a moment there
to enjoy the punch line -
"faeces coming out of my anus"?
Do you reckon they might row about
whether it's Brecksit or Breggsit?
I always say Brecksit. Yes, but a
lot of politicians say Breggsit.
What do you call it?
Fucking huge mistake.
OK. What else are people talking
about? Buzz in.
BUZZER
What have you got?
Is it Notre Dame burning?
I happen to know you were in France
last week? Yes, I was in Paris.
Well done. I smoked one blunt
under the spire...
It's not my fault they don't have
an ashtray.
It isn't even that old.
That spire...
"Oh, my God, history is burning
down!"
It was rebuilt in, like, 1973!
It's like... No...
No, it's bollocks.
I'm having it out now.
But... they keep going,
"All this history!"
It is like Trigger's broom.
They keep rebuilding it!
It's had about 15 spires!
JIMMY GUFFAWS
He's gone!
Oh... It's so... It's like we've
turned up the South London
this week somehow.
SOUTH LONDON ACCENT: "Notre Dame?
Think it's old, do you?
"Trigger's broom, mate.
"Those stained glass windows?
I sold 'em that double glazing!"
Suzi, what age were you
when you moved out?
I was 18 as well.
And never moved back?
No, I go back a bit now,
but every time I go home now,
my mum's like, "Oh,
you treat this place like a hotel."
And so I did what any of us
would have done -
I left a bad TripAdvisor review.
Two stars. "The maid was very rude."
Do you know what I do in hotels?
Yeah. I...
I'm revealing too much today.
I don't know what's happened -
I've had truth juice.
If I'm in a hotel, I will
trim my pubes there.
What?!
Oh, mate!
So, do you bring the scissors
or do you order down to reception?
No, I've got a beard trimmer. What?
If I do it at home
it's a bit of a mess
and you can never clear it all up.
A bit of wind, it's everywhere,
innit?
If your mum walked in
and you're trimming your pubes,
that can't be great.
No, it's not ideal.
At least she knows you're tidy.
When your mum says, "Go upstairs
and have a tidy round..."
..I don't think she means that.
And if she does,
definitely move out.
Do you manscape, Josh?
I don't, actually.
Do you think I should get into it?
Well, I just think... I'm looking
at your hair.
I'm imagining downstairs is...
I imagine it's like a pistachio
in a... in a bird's nest.
You've never...?
You've never trimmed your pubes?
No, but I'm gonna as soon as
I get home. You're gonna...
It's gonna be... It's a whole new
world for you, mate.
So, where do you start?
Well, wherever there's hair.
So, you just go full skinhead?
No, you can
do as much as you want off, like.
You've got to be careful
of the nuts, though, because...
..sometimes they fall
between the teeth of the blade.
How small are your nuts?!
Teeny little...
Rob, what do you think the nation
have been talking about?
Is it Julian Assange? Oh...
I do like that name.
I like saying it.
Ass-annnnge.
Basically, he's been arrested.
He's been removed
from the Ecuadorian embassy.
They had to get rid of him.
Imagine, like, getting a job
at the embassy.
It's your first day. They are like,
"OK, so, there's a photocopier
there. That's the kitchen.
"Oh, yeah, see that bloke there?
"Don't worry about him - he's just
rubbing shit on the walls
"and he's been accused
of sexual assault.
"He lives there.
It's fine, it's fine."
Do you think,
while Assange was in there,
like obviously they took his Wi-Fi
away, didn't they, so he couldn't
get involved in any of that?
I wondered if he needed to
get his whistle-blowing fix.
If he was like leaving
Post-it notes on the fridge,
like, "It was Barbara who
stole your milk, Dave." Just to...
You really know
those Ecuadorian names.
Barbara and Dave.
You know, the Ecuadorians.
OK, Aisling's team.
What have the nation been
talking about this week?
Oh, it must be Extinction Rebellion.
All of the stuff that's going on
with climate change.
I know you're not too
worried about it, Jimmy.
You'll never biodegrade. But...
..people are finally waking up to
what is going on in the environment.
And it was... It has gone on
for quite a while in terms of being
a protest.
It started off with people like,
"Oh, what is this?"
Then people got annoyed.
"You're getting in the way.
I'm trying to get to work."
Then people were like,
"Maybe they have a point.
"Here's a 16-year-old girl.
What's she saying?"
And now people are so into it.
It's very much the same
emotional journey I go on
when I eat monkey nuts on Halloween.
I can't have enough of it.
I'm so obsessed by it. Why do you
have monkey nuts on Halloween?
Everyone has monkey nuts
on Halloween.
Pumpkins and sweets - sure.
Monkey nuts - never heard of it.
This feels like some weird Irish
thing that you didn't realise...
I've only just discovered that.
Because of the silence
of the audience
when I said, "Monkey nuts
on Halloween."
What you mean by monkey nuts?
Do you mean...?
Those little ones that look
like you feed 'em to elephants.
Guys, I know climate change
is pressing,
but now it feels like there's
a bigger issue here at play.
Stacey, you doing your bit for
climate change? What are you doing?
Yeah, we recycle,
and we try and wear the same clothes
all the time.
You've got kids. Are you worried
about the next generation?
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
I mean, what kind of question
is that, Jimmy?
APPLAUSE
We had an answer.
CHEERING
Rob's team, what do you think are
the best things Europe has given us?
I mean,
food's got to be up there.
Do you like European food?
What's your favourite?
I'm not a big fan of European
food. I prefer British food.
What sort of thing?
Nando's, Cafe Rouge. Zizi's...
Proper stuff.
Yeah, proper stuff.
European food,
what do you think?
No disrespect,
but too many cheeses in France.
Too many cheeses? We've got cheddar.
We've got... the orange one.
Dairylea. Dairylea.
Cheestrings. Laughing Cow. Wotsits.
The one with the cow, yeah.
Quavers. Quavers.
We don't need all the other ones.
Brexit means Brexit!
Now, we all like pizza, right?
We all like pizza.
There's some unusual ways of eating
it. Take a look at this.
Until he turned round I thought it
was going straight through
the back of his head.
Passing it through.
Could you do that?
Could I do that? I could do that.
Excellent. Hang on. I've got pizzas.
No... Oh, my God.
Pass it over. Lovely.
APPLAUSE
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
that's massive! I don't like...
Hang on... Oh, my...
Is this like a proper Italian?
I think someone's
left it in the garden, Jimmy.
You're taking the veg off?!
Oh, you are so South London!
If it was any good,
they would have chopped it up
and put it in the sauce.
I've got to try
and do this in one go?
You've got to try
and get that in one.
Oh, my God. Hang on.
I think he can do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
where we are still trying to guess
our favourite thing to do
on a mobile phone. Rob's team,
what do you think Britain
likes to do on its mobile phone?
Is it messaging people there?
WhatsApping?
Yeah, WhatsApp's a big...
Messenger.
The worst thing on a WhatsApp is,
when you are in, like,
a stag do group, and then
it comes up, the no-name numbers.
And all you know about them,
no name,
but just a picture of them
holding a massive carp. Yeah.
Oh, no!
These girls are all just pointed
to this lad when you said that.
I'm in a WhatsApp group that was
called the Three Musketeers.
It was with my two best friends.
And then it was called
Two Musketeers And One Dick
after a night out
that I don't remember.
I think administrators have
too much power in a WhatsApp group.
Because it is a brutal place.
"Hey guys, it's my birthday!"
And it's like, "Rob left." Oh.
The only thing worse than being
added into a WhatsApp group
is finding out there's
one you're not in,
which means they're slagging
you off. Yeah. The side group.
Terrifying. Are you in
the female comedians WhatsApp?
That is a loaded question. No!
So there's
a female comedians WhatsApp.
I know, I know, I'm in it,
but I'm deep undercover.
Hang on, hang on, who's in this
group, then? Like, everyone...
Just all the really funny
female comedians.
All the really funny female
comedians that Sarah's friends with
who are in the group, and then
there's you. Look, you're going to
get added and you're not
going to like it.
I don't want a pity add.
I'll add you, and I'll be like,
"guess who was really great
on TV tonight?"
And I'll say,
"New number, who's this?
My thing with social media is,
I do think it's making us
slightly more anxious.
So it's hard to do this,
but try to live your life -
just try it for a day by
this maxim -
if I did it in real life,
what would the consequences be?
So you wouldn't draw
back your curtains
and show your baby in the bath to
a street full of strangers and go,
"You, man with your hand
in the pockets,
"would you like my baby?"
Girls, you wouldn't
run into Asda and go,
"Everyone stop shopping!
look at my smoky eye."
No, of course not. That's somebody
who needs counselling.
Tagging yourself into hospital
without explanation
is one of the cruellest
things I've ever seen.
"Russ is at Southend Hospital."
"Why?" Guess!
do you know what I can't bear,
as well? The fake boasting.
Oh, I'm so happy with my new sofa.
And it's nothing to do with
the sofa. She is in a bikini.
It's like, "Who likes my new sofa?
Oh, my God."
My flap's come out,
I can't believe it. Oh, no.
A cartoon dog face on...
HE BARKS
If you've got a cartoon dog face
and your fanny out on the internet
and you're 35, get help!
Or get paid for it.
LAUGHTER
That's what I was thinking!
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
What else are people talking about
this week? Tom Allen.
Sorry, I felt like I was
touching your penis. That's fine.
That's the sound it makes! Is it?
BUZZER SOUND
I recover quick, though. Yeah.
I imagine your wife is
a lights-out person.
APPLAUSE
She's more of an
"I've got a headache" person. OK.
Tom, what do you think?
Is there a news that there's a fear
that the UK may face
a water shortage in 25 years?
Shit, sorry!
Sorry? Is it? How embarrassing.
I didn't know!
They said one of the ways
you can save water is by turning
the tap off when you
brush your teeth.
I mean, yours'll rust up.
LAUGHTER
Little dig for no reason there!
No reason. You've got a lovely face.
Stupid teeth, but lovely...
How is the UK making fun of
Rob's beautiful teeth?
Like you guys know teeth in any way.
Have any of you ever
been to a dentist?
Also, you're not running out of
water. Hello? It's the UK.
It rains more here than
in a Seal video. Get a bucket!
Leave Rob alone!
I can't believe... people
are genuinely worried about this,
but it's a water shortage in 25
years' time. Rich, are you worried?
What, 25 years' time?
No, not really.
Every time it rains,
I'm getting at first, so I'm fine.
I'm excited about
the hot weather, Jimmy,
because I'm regularly seen
in a bikini in my garden passed out,
but in when it's hot out,
fewer people call child services.
See, I'm going to be skinning out.
As soon as the sun comes out...
Skinning out? Skin is out.
Oh, skinning out! So the sun
comes out, the skin comes out?
Yeah. OK, I've never heard
the expression skinning out!
It's derived from patois,
right? Right.
There's a song, it's like
a popular bashment song,
and the artist screams,
"Skin out mi pum-pum!"
Basically meaning that she's going
to get her genitals out.
And I don't mean it like that.
I just mean I'm going to
be skinning out.
Not skinning out my pum-pum,
just, skinning out.
Oh, good, because I misunderstood.
I thought you were
skinning out your pum-pum. Yeah...
You know me.
I'm old school like that.
Time now for a bonus round, so Rob,
Sarah, join me in the middle.
We're going to play
Haye, Who's On The Phone?
OK, we're going to play
Haye, Who's On The Phone?
Can we have some
dramatic lighting, please?
Oh, yeah. OK, Sarah, if you dial
the last number on this phone,
you may or may not connect with
former heavyweight world champion
David Haye.
Rob, you've just got to guess
if David Haye is on the phone
or if she's bluffing.
Oh, OK. OK. So, dial the last number
on this phone.
We know each other quite well.
I'm going to get you to turn around
so you can't see each other. OK.
So he's just got to listen to me?
How do I... How do you use a phone?
Got it, I've got it. He's just
going to listen to me, is he?
He's not going to see my face?
You can see my face.
No, he's looking away. I can't see
anything. He can't see anything.
(I don't know anything
about boxing.)
You do? Rob, you're allowed
to ask questions.
Are you speaking to David Haye?
Not to... Oh, sorry.
That's a great
first question, though.
Oh, hello, David Haye, the boxer.
How are you? Oh, oh, you first.
Fine, thank you.
Where is he? Ask him where he is.
Where are you?
He's in a hotel in London.
OK. So what's your favourite
thing about being a boxer?
He likes to hurt people.
He likes to hurt people?
Rob's going to ask you
another question,
but he's thinking
of something to ask.
Who did he beat to win the world
heavyweight title? Shit!
LAUGHTER
Have you got Google on you?
What's the question?
Who did you beat... To be the
heavyweight champion of the world.
..to be the heavyweight
champion of the world?
Oh, it's a nice memory, is it? OK.
LAUGHTER
Right, it's a Russian guy.
We know that much. (Do you know it?)
Sarah, Sarah...
The biggest heavyweight ever in the
history of boxing? So you beat him?
Congratulations. It's a bit odd you
haven't remembered his name, David!
Well, in fairness, he has taken
a lot of blows to the head!
And was it a long match? Long match?
Do you call them matches or games?
They're fights, normally.
Oh, dear. Sarah really knows
her boxing. She could be bluffing.
How tall's David? Ask how tall
David is. All right, ask how tall...
How tall is David Haye?
I mean, how tall are you?!
I mean, how tall are you!
Definitely over 6 foot.
Definitely over 6 foot!
OK, so, Rob, I would like to know
if you think David Haye
is on the phone or not?
Well, I think everything
Sarah said was wrong. What?!
But I think she may be bluffing me,
and I think she's
talking to David Haye
and pretending
not to know the answers.
So I think
David Haye's on the phone.
You think David Haye's
on the phone. OK.
Let's see if David Haye
is on the phone.
Turn round.
Let's reveal.
It's David Haye!
CHEERING
David Haye, everyone!
Heavyweight boxing champion.
Some excellent acting skills,
but Rob gets the point.
Round of applause for David Haye.
Thank you very much, David Haye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wave goodbye, David.
I'll leave this on,
if you want to watch the rest.
Yeah, go on, let me see what's
going on. I'm enjoying it so far.
Can you hold this so he can watch
the rest of the show?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Hold that so he can watch?
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Catherine, Richard, Katherine,
what do you like the look of?
I like the look of Richard Osman.
OK, you've picked Richard,
host of Child Genius,
so we asked our studio audience...
That's such a tough one because
people who were popular are
obviously going to say popular and
people who were academic
are going to say popular.
What were you like at school? Were
you popular? Were you academic?
I mean, I was popular with
the important people, which is
to say I was academic,
so the teachers.
I learned a rap that helped me
memorise all the 50 states
and capitals of America.
Oh, brilliant. Let's do it.
Would you like to hear it?
Yes, please. No! Here it goes.
# Baton Rouge, Louisiana,
Indianapolis, Indiana
# And Columbus is the capital of
Ohio
# There's Montgomery, Alabama,
Helena, Montana
# There's Denver, Colorado and
Boise, Idaho
# Texas has Austin, Massachusetts,
Boston and Albany, New York
# Tallahassee, Florida
and Washington DC
# Santa Fe, New Mexico
and Nashville, Tennessee
# Juneau's in Alaska and
there's Lincoln in Nebraska... #
It goes on and on and on.
I WAS very smart!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Are you not doing the whole thing?
I can't do the whole thing. You
can't include the whole thing.
Why not? Listen, I've got one for
countries, too.
# United States, Canada, Mexico,
Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru... #
Please don't!
Dotty, what were you like at school?
I was the one that got kicked
out of the class quite a lot.
Oh, right, OK.
I think they weren't challenging me.
LAUGHTER
What kind of challenge did you want?
I just felt like, I don't need this
stuff, do you know what I mean?
When am I going to use this?
All the time.
Yesterday I was with a mate
and we had seven apples...
LAUGHTER
Right.
And he said to me,
"I want a third of them.
"How are we going to work this out?"
But I don't remember.
I can use a Bunsen burner. But
when have you ever had to use that?
Do you know what I mean?
All the time!
Friend'll come round, cup of tea,
pop on the Bunsen burner,
blue flame...
Shall we test who got
the most out of school?
Let's have our very own
spelling bee. Nice!
Come on. Come on up.
APPLAUSE
OK. I've never watched a spelling
bee in my life. Spelling bee. All
right, you stand there...
We're not American! B-E-E!
CHEERING
Face each other. Sorry. OK.
Now, we've upped the ante a little
bit... Yeah.
..so if you answer incorrectly,
I will give you an electric shock.
Oh, God.
You'll be fine, don't worry about
it. OK. I do really need a wee.
Imagine if I just pissed myself
here.
You'd all be, like,
"No, we won't tell anyone."
Argh! Fuck off!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Fucking hell! Does it really hurt?
It's like a badger going up me arse!
Does it really hurt?
No, it's fine. It ain't nice.
Owwww!
I didn't like that at all!
I thought you'd be into it. OK.
Can we have some tension lighting,
please? I've pissed myself.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
OK, Tom. You're up first.
Can you spell the word facetious?
BUZZER
Aaaargh!
Oh, make it stop! Jimmy, no!
That is incorrect. The correct
spelling of facetious is...
There's no way there's a T in there,
is there? What did I say?
You want to try again? No...
LAUGHTER
OK, next one. Rob. Yeah? Manoeuvre.
Ooh...
Don't fucking give it that,
like you know what's going on!
I love the fact even Rich Osman
went, "Ooh..." Yeah.
Good luck, Rob. Manoeuvre.
APPLAUSE
Take it, Rob.
BUZZER
Aaargh!
That was like Back To The Future
when Biff got angry!
Manoeuvre is...
Ohhh... You should have just read
it off the autocue.
I was going to say,
it's right there!
OK, next one. Easy one.
Spell pterodactyl.
Ah, fuck off...
P?!
Oh, yeah...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Owww!
OK. You were doing really well.
It was...
You missed out the C.
Oh, well, I was very worried about
getting electrocuted in the arse.
They're like those things they used
to advertise that you
put on your tummy
and got a six-pack.
Yeah. I'm going to have an amazing
six pack. Just on my arse.
If you play your cards right
later...
Jimmy!
Rob. I feel so sad. I've got
the posture of a dog at Battersea.
Easy one for you, Rob.
Rhythm.
Great start.
Correct! Yes!
APPLAUSE
So Rob is the winner!
You've won the spelling bee!
Aaargh! Ow!
Argh! Get off!
A survey recently revealed that
15% of pet owners love their pet
more than their partner,
so we asked...
All I know about dogs is poodles
are getting a lot of action at
the moment cos they're all
crossed with a poodle, innit?
Cockapoo, cavapoo, do-a-poo,
need-a-poo, had-a-poo...
All the poo. It's true.
There's so many different types of
dog now.
When I was a kid,
I swear there was three.
There was, like, Dulux dog,
Andrex dog, Blue Peter dog.
That was all the dogs.
There was dogs with balls,
working-class dogs. Yep.
Dogs without balls, middle-class
dogs.
Dogs with jackets, upper-class.
Kiri, what have you got?
I've got a cat and dog.
OK, so what about names, what have
you called them? OK, Oh, God.
Er, so the dog is called Ci,
which is Welsh for dog.
Fair enough.
Just straight to the point.
Does he know that?
He doesn't know anything,
he's thick as fuck.
Then I've got a cat who's a rescue.
I really like him,
except he insists on watching me
and my partner bang.
I'll think he's out the room,
I've cleared everything,
and then we'll be at it and I'll
just sort of, we'll move round,
and there'll be just a pair of
eyes watching me.
I can't have sex
if the dog's watching
and that's why
I always hold it like that.
What's tasteful about
Naked Attraction, Anna,
is that they're always flaccid.
Not always, Katherine. Oh, what?!
Have you had incidents? We do have
to stop the show quite often...
When it's...? We'll just say to the
fellas,
"Look, can you just go and sort
yourself out and then pop back?"
What?! "Sort yourself out"?
They've gone and...?
I don't know what they do!
I don't know what they do.
I don't know, I've never had
an erection on telly before.
I've got one right now
and things are fine.
Is it fellas that are just trying to
give themselves a little,
you know, like,
a little jump-start... Yeah.
..just to get, kind of, halfway
there? Yeah, exactly that.
The best thing to do is wank
and then leave it and go on stage.
How big is your penis, Katherine?!
There's a proper thunk.
You've done the show for quite a
while now.
What is the perfect penis? What are
we looking for?
Well, as every woman knows,
you want girth, not length.
Yes! But...
Oh, sorry.
You say girth, not length,
do you mean no length whatsoever?
I'll be honest, hands up - mine's
like a can of tuna.
Fishy?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's what they're after?
As long as it doesn't smell like a
can of tuna, I think
we're going to be OK.
GROANING
It's spring water,
not brine, don't worry.
Can I just say, don't say to a girl,
"My penis is like a can of tuna."
Hockey puck?
Now, before we carry on,
as a tribute to Naked Attraction,
we're going to play Carrot In A Box:
Naked Attraction Edition.
Rob, Katherine, come on down.
OK. Regular viewers will be familiar
with Carrot In A Box.
The rules are simple.
You each get a box. One of the boxes
contains a naked penis.
The aim of the game is to end up
with a dick in the box.
Bring on the boxes.
If you just step back a little bit.
Yes, it's a
game of bluff in the buff.
OK, in a moment, I'll ask Rob to
look in his box. Why me?!
If Rob doesn't see his chap's chap,
then he'll have to bluff
Katherine into giving him her box.
Ultimately, Katherine gets to choose
whether she keeps her box or
swaps with Rob.
OK, Rob, so you want a cock,
Katherine, you want a cock -
no change there - but there's only
one cock.
Let's say Carrot In A Box:
Naked Attraction Edition.
Rob, can you look in your box.
Ugh...
Katherine, you're not allowed to
look inside your box.
You want a proper... You don't
want to miss a thing.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
LAUGHTER
I don't know what I was expecting!
Little beauty, innit? Have a
little look. I've had a look.
Do we keep looking?
Do you want to keep your box or do
you want to swap with Katherine?
I'm going to keep it.
There's a dick there, Katherine.
There's a dick in your box?
That's the closest I've ever been to
one that's not mine.
That's a lie.
LAUGHTER
Do you think Rob's bluffing?
Was it cut or uncut?
I can't give you a firm
answer on that.
Speaking of firm,
is he pleased to see you are not?
OK, er...
Get down!
Softer now. Softer now.
You just blew on his dick! Yeah.
It looks like it's retreating.
I think it's panicked.
Are there any distinguishable
features on the dick?
He's drawn a face on it...
..and it moves when he laughs.
OK, so do you think he's bluffing,
do you think there's
a dick in the box, or do you think
you've got a dick in the box?
I think Rob is bluffing because he's
gone back to look at the dick
so many times and Rob is a
respectable family man,
I don't think he'd be so thirsty
for the cock.
I'm getting into it!
OK, so it's time now for the
blindfolded taste challenge.
OK, so what do you think,
you think he's bluffing?
I think that there's a dick in MY
box. I think that Rob is bluffing.
I mean, there's a point for whoever
wins this so, gentlemen,
if you could face forward and...
Ooh!
..Katherine's man,
we would like you to open your box.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no!
So that's a point for you, Rob.
I mean, it's worth saying,
you did look a lot at that dick.
You kept going back for more.
I thought, you know, it's a nice
dick, why not have a look at it?
It's not very often you get to see
a dick that much.
I'm relaxed, I'm a comfortable guy,
I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
If I want to look at a dick,
I'll look at a dick.
Yeah, Rob! That's beautiful!
And just to prove
we were not lying...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's a point to Rob, everyone!
Point to Rob!
We'll see you after the break!
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is, is the name
of our final round.
Here is your question.
What do you think?
BUZZER
I'd love to be invisible,
but I wouldn't do anything.
I would just lay on my sofa at home
and be left alone.
I'd just lay there
and not be told to do anything.
Oh, I can imagine the thing
you would do. What would I do?
You'd go around.
Go where? Go around in this
audience. Doing what?
You'd be doing stuff.
I know what you mean, Fred.
Really the question is, what is
the SECOND thing I would do?
They'd think the ladies
changing rooms were haunted.
If you did do that, right,
which is obviously very creepy,
but when you're invisible
you can still bump into people.
Because after a while
they'd be like,
"There's something wrong in that
changing room. I keep falling over."
And just every so often we hear...
HE MOCKS JIMMY'S LAUGH
Natasha,
what superpower would you have?
If I could work out some sort
of superpower
where I didn't have to go
to the toilet any more,
I could just, like, ingest it
somehow, without it poisoning me.
I just need it all the time.
I'm a toilet woman. I honestly...
NISH LAUGHS
I wake up in the morning sometimes
and think, today is not about
what I have to do,
it's where my piss wants to go.
That's called a
urine infection, babes.
My dad, I was at home for Christmas.
And I came on my period,
and my mum was like,
"Can you go out,
when you go to the shops,
"can you get some sanitary towels
for Tash?"
And he brought me back TENA Lady,
because he just saw them.
But honestly, the best thing
I've ever been given.
The best gift you've ever received.
So he bought them by mistake
and you just leant into it?
"Well, I'll use these."
It was just like...
You can't fully let go
because it's too scary,
but you can a little bit.
You just didn't let it all hang out?
When it's like, "I'll just let
that out," and then I have some time
before I have to run to the toilet.
There is a fine line between just
a little bit and self-loathing.
I haven't got anyone.
I'm not in a relationship,
I do what I bloody want.
I think I wouldn't give up
my power to use...
I do a lot of my best thinking
on the toilet.
I have sit-down wees,
I don't mind admitting to it.
Oh, come on. Do you hear that?
They judged you more than
Natasha pissing herself.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's press pause on all this.
What do you mean you have
sit-down wees?
Sometimes I have a sit-down wee.
I treat myself... Why?
Because I'm not an animal.
I treat myself to a sit-down wee.
Why should ladies have all the fun?
Oh, I do that, too.
That's right, because
you don't have to concentrate.
Exactly! You just sit down
and relax.
Concentrate? I don't need to
concentrate. It's hard having a wee.
Like, I don't want to get into the
mechanics of it, but first thing
in the morning, try and have
a piss - it goes everywhere.
You have to aim! It's like
the mouth of your dick's yawning.
Whoa! Fucking hell!
And sometimes it goes like that.
It goes like that. I can't do
that, I think that's a French thing.
Sometimes on a night out, you know
when there's like 15 in a row,
I will try and piss in all of them.
Like, hold it and go.
Has someone ever walked in as you're
doing a weird crab walk across?
You've just got to own it.
You go, "Mind out, mate,
I'm doing the full set."
What do you think?
People looking for employment now
have to take
all of their pics off-line.
Because I hire baby-sitters,
and my first thing
is to go straight to their Instagram
and see how big of a slut they are.
Pick the slutty baby-sitters?
I pick the sluttiest baby-sitter.
I don't want her leaving me
for a better job.
JOHNNY SNEEZES
No, I have a lovely baby-sitter.
Johnny,
have you sneezed on your jumper?
Come here.
ALL: Urgh!
I did not want to interrupt
the conversation over there,
so I was going, "Ahh... choo!"
I was doing such a half-sneeze.
You've never not wanted to interrupt
a conversation in your life.
I got a sneezing fit. I apologise.
I just was turning round
and going, "Blaahh..."
And not trying to make a noise.
Anna. Yeah? Starting a new job...
No, hang on! I had a sneezing fit.
I had a genuine sneezing fit.
I was turning round,
trying to sneeze quietly,
I did it more on the left, the right
is still quite heavily congested.
But there's nothing
I can do about that.
I don't know why it came on.
Just wanted to be part of the team.
Anna. Yes? Anna...
It's all right,
I'll take my inner T-shirt
and blow my fucking nose.
KATHERINE: No, don't...
ALL: Urgh!
Well, that must be... You've now got
some sort of chest oyster.
No, it's all right.
I'm back in the game.
ROB: Is it holding in a fart?
Yeah. Sorry, do you need me
to pull your finger?
I... I vouch for that. Especially...
Do you know what
a Dutch oven is? Yes.
I feel like I really don't want
that to be a recipe
in your new book, Liam.
I like a good fart,
especially, like,
the loud ones that have loads
of depth of, like, smell and that.
So I can't...
It's honestly like you're
describing a loaf right now.
This is the idea.
OK, please go on.
Yeah, so I normally like top
and tail with my pals or whatever
if they stay at mine,
so I can't really fart that much
if they stay in my bed.
When your friends stay over,
you top and tail? Yeah.
That's called a 69, Liam.
Because my bed is pretty big, innit,
so I'm not like,
"Oh, you can stay on my sofa,"
because my sofa's a bit tired now.
Have you not got a floor?
Yeah, but who wants to sleep
on the floor?
I'd rather that than your
stinky arse in my face.
How does your sofa get tired?
I mean, what does it do all day?
LAUGHTER
Holding it in does hurt as well.
Holding it...
I went on a flight once
with somebody that
I didn't know very well
and I held it in the whole flight.
I got there and I thought
I was dying.
I genuinely was doubled over
in pain from the wind
that I'd accumulated
whilst in the air.
Are you sure you're pregnant?
When you first start seeing someone
and you're staying over,
you don't really want
to fart in bed with them.
Like, you have to hold it in.
I remember I tried to hold
it in for hours and hours
and it was, well, I'm going
to have to go to the toilet.
It was a flat share, but she had
an en-suite room and I was like,
"How am I going to do this?"
So what I did,
and I still use it to this day,
if you just pull
your arse cheeks open,
it just sort of whistles out of you.
It feels like you're deflating,
like "Sssssssss..."
It went on for ages.
I nearly woke her up and go, "You're
going to have to listen to this!"
OK, top superpower,
what do you think?
I'd like to suddenly be white.
Like, cos... sometimes
you go to parts of the country
and everyone's looking at you
and you'd just like to be able to
press a button and be like,
"Hi, Nick Cooper."
I work in accounts
and wear red socks.
Ha ha ha ha! Let's play bridge.
BUZZER
Smelly helmet?
I was going to say burping.
That is outrageous!
That mime's amazing!
Well, I suppose the equivalent
for boys is disco fanny.
I heard someone describe it
once as being a bit gamey.
Gamey?!
Not mine! Not mine!
TOM: Have you ever seen
the Great Wall Of Vagina?
Yes! Isn't it beautiful?
It's a wonderful work of art,
I think my favourite, actually,
where about 70 vulvas
are cast in stone. Yes.
Do you know what, Tom?
If somebody had asked me to
guess your favourite work of art,
that would not have been...!
LAUGHTER
You know, I think it's curious,
I think it's because
I'm so familiar with the other,
I want to see it. Mm-hmm.
Just, he keeps on giving!
Do you know, whenever...
Like, cos as women, we get our bits
looked at all the time, don't we?
Like, nurses, gynaecologists, fuck
it, I'll let the window cleaner have
a look! Everyone.
LAUGHTER
Every time a nurse or a
gynaecologist has looked at my bits,
they've told me
I've got a lovely cervix.
I don't know what that means,
but I do know that in my life,
I've been told my cervix is lovely
way more than I've been told
my face is.
Do they say that?
"That's a lovely one. You could
eat your dinner off that!"
I think it just means that
it's got good blood flow
and it's sort of shiny.
I used to be a nurse.
You can tell, can't you?
You used to be a nurse?
Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
I didn't know that. How fascinating.
Have you seen
a lot of... a lot of them, then?
Quite a lot, yeah. The most
disturbing thing I've ever seen is,
it can happen sometimes, when people
get old,
things get a little
bit... change place... I...
I've seen a woman shit out
of her vagina, that's what...
Oh!
Katherine Ryan!
Look, they got what they pay for.
That wins.
That's worse than smelly helmet.
LAUGHTER
Funny story,
that's how it got smelly!
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
PAISLEY: Are you serious?!
I thank you.
APPLAUSE
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats:
All The Best Bits
from... Tom Allen...
..Johnny Vegas...
..Paisley Billings...
..Fred Sirieix...
..Anna Richardson...
..Liam Charles...
..Suzi Ruffell...
..Joe Swash...
..Russell Kane...
..Judi Love...
..Finn Taylor...
..Ed Gamble...
..and Rob Beckett,
their team captain.
And facing them tonight,
Stacey Solomon...
..Alex Brooker...
..Natasha Demetriou...
..Richard Osman...
..Dotty...
..Rylan Clark-Neal...
..Kiri Pritchard-McClean...
..Nish Kumar...
..Tom Read Wilson...
..Daisy Adams...
..Sophie Duker...
..Angela Barnes...
..Catherine Bohart...
..and their guest team captains,
Katherine Ryan...
..Sara Pascoe...
..Kerry Godliman...
..Josh Widdicombe...
..and Aisling Bea.
Now, welcome your host...
..Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to
the 8 Out Of 10 Cats: Best Bits,
a show about surveys, statistics and
the best bits from the last series.
Did you know, for example...
..one in four Americans
didn't read a book last year?
Probably because they were too busy
reading other stuff -
like menus.
One in five women talk
to their mum at least once a day.
And not just women. I talk to
your mum at least three times a day.
Although £3 a minute
is expensive.
And 17% of Brits have had
sex on a dining table.
Turn over.
It's time for pudding.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That
is the name of our first round.
It is our panellists' job to guess
the British public's top three
most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think
the nation has been talking about
this week?
Well, it must be the new
Brexit developments.
I don't know much about this,
but I think this might go down as
one of the worst Brexits ever.
The extensions... All I hear is
extension this, extension that.
I'm so annoyed with it. I don't even
go in my conservatory any more.
It's an extension.
I think Donald Tusk, who I can only
assume is a cartoon elephant,
he called it flextension.
And the flextension is meant to
be till June 30th, and that just
doesn't work for me, because it's my
birthday and Cheryl Cole's birthday.
And people will be having barbecues.
The next day no-one is going
to be in any fit state to
fight for diabetes medicine
in Dover. It's not a good day!
June 30th is also
when Glastonbury ends,
which I think is a really good time,
because I think it will make
the transition easier,
because you'll just
have been living in a tent,
shitting in the woods,
eating out of tins,
and then you go to no-deal Brexit,
which will be exactly the same,
except you won't have
to listen to George Ezra.
Listen, Jimmy, just between
you and me, right,
I've said some real
bad stuff about Brexit,
cos I think it's a really bad idea.
And I'm a bit worried now
that it's happening
they're going to deport me.
I basically need to roll
some of that back.
Leave means leave.
I hate all European food.
I just want to eat sausage and mash
and fish and chips,
and I just want it to get
all bunged up in my bowels,
and I just want to feel blockages,
cos there should be no freedom
of movement, whether it's goods
and people across the border
or faeces coming out of my anus!
Can we just take a moment there
to enjoy the punch line -
"faeces coming out of my anus"?
Do you reckon they might row about
whether it's Brecksit or Breggsit?
I always say Brecksit. Yes, but a
lot of politicians say Breggsit.
What do you call it?
Fucking huge mistake.
OK. What else are people talking
about? Buzz in.
BUZZER
What have you got?
Is it Notre Dame burning?
I happen to know you were in France
last week? Yes, I was in Paris.
Well done. I smoked one blunt
under the spire...
It's not my fault they don't have
an ashtray.
It isn't even that old.
That spire...
"Oh, my God, history is burning
down!"
It was rebuilt in, like, 1973!
It's like... No...
No, it's bollocks.
I'm having it out now.
But... they keep going,
"All this history!"
It is like Trigger's broom.
They keep rebuilding it!
It's had about 15 spires!
JIMMY GUFFAWS
He's gone!
Oh... It's so... It's like we've
turned up the South London
this week somehow.
SOUTH LONDON ACCENT: "Notre Dame?
Think it's old, do you?
"Trigger's broom, mate.
"Those stained glass windows?
I sold 'em that double glazing!"
Suzi, what age were you
when you moved out?
I was 18 as well.
And never moved back?
No, I go back a bit now,
but every time I go home now,
my mum's like, "Oh,
you treat this place like a hotel."
And so I did what any of us
would have done -
I left a bad TripAdvisor review.
Two stars. "The maid was very rude."
Do you know what I do in hotels?
Yeah. I...
I'm revealing too much today.
I don't know what's happened -
I've had truth juice.
If I'm in a hotel, I will
trim my pubes there.
What?!
Oh, mate!
So, do you bring the scissors
or do you order down to reception?
No, I've got a beard trimmer. What?
If I do it at home
it's a bit of a mess
and you can never clear it all up.
A bit of wind, it's everywhere,
innit?
If your mum walked in
and you're trimming your pubes,
that can't be great.
No, it's not ideal.
At least she knows you're tidy.
When your mum says, "Go upstairs
and have a tidy round..."
..I don't think she means that.
And if she does,
definitely move out.
Do you manscape, Josh?
I don't, actually.
Do you think I should get into it?
Well, I just think... I'm looking
at your hair.
I'm imagining downstairs is...
I imagine it's like a pistachio
in a... in a bird's nest.
You've never...?
You've never trimmed your pubes?
No, but I'm gonna as soon as
I get home. You're gonna...
It's gonna be... It's a whole new
world for you, mate.
So, where do you start?
Well, wherever there's hair.
So, you just go full skinhead?
No, you can
do as much as you want off, like.
You've got to be careful
of the nuts, though, because...
..sometimes they fall
between the teeth of the blade.
How small are your nuts?!
Teeny little...
Rob, what do you think the nation
have been talking about?
Is it Julian Assange? Oh...
I do like that name.
I like saying it.
Ass-annnnge.
Basically, he's been arrested.
He's been removed
from the Ecuadorian embassy.
They had to get rid of him.
Imagine, like, getting a job
at the embassy.
It's your first day. They are like,
"OK, so, there's a photocopier
there. That's the kitchen.
"Oh, yeah, see that bloke there?
"Don't worry about him - he's just
rubbing shit on the walls
"and he's been accused
of sexual assault.
"He lives there.
It's fine, it's fine."
Do you think,
while Assange was in there,
like obviously they took his Wi-Fi
away, didn't they, so he couldn't
get involved in any of that?
I wondered if he needed to
get his whistle-blowing fix.
If he was like leaving
Post-it notes on the fridge,
like, "It was Barbara who
stole your milk, Dave." Just to...
You really know
those Ecuadorian names.
Barbara and Dave.
You know, the Ecuadorians.
OK, Aisling's team.
What have the nation been
talking about this week?
Oh, it must be Extinction Rebellion.
All of the stuff that's going on
with climate change.
I know you're not too
worried about it, Jimmy.
You'll never biodegrade. But...
..people are finally waking up to
what is going on in the environment.
And it was... It has gone on
for quite a while in terms of being
a protest.
It started off with people like,
"Oh, what is this?"
Then people got annoyed.
"You're getting in the way.
I'm trying to get to work."
Then people were like,
"Maybe they have a point.
"Here's a 16-year-old girl.
What's she saying?"
And now people are so into it.
It's very much the same
emotional journey I go on
when I eat monkey nuts on Halloween.
I can't have enough of it.
I'm so obsessed by it. Why do you
have monkey nuts on Halloween?
Everyone has monkey nuts
on Halloween.
Pumpkins and sweets - sure.
Monkey nuts - never heard of it.
This feels like some weird Irish
thing that you didn't realise...
I've only just discovered that.
Because of the silence
of the audience
when I said, "Monkey nuts
on Halloween."
What you mean by monkey nuts?
Do you mean...?
Those little ones that look
like you feed 'em to elephants.
Guys, I know climate change
is pressing,
but now it feels like there's
a bigger issue here at play.
Stacey, you doing your bit for
climate change? What are you doing?
Yeah, we recycle,
and we try and wear the same clothes
all the time.
You've got kids. Are you worried
about the next generation?
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
I mean, what kind of question
is that, Jimmy?
APPLAUSE
We had an answer.
CHEERING
Rob's team, what do you think are
the best things Europe has given us?
I mean,
food's got to be up there.
Do you like European food?
What's your favourite?
I'm not a big fan of European
food. I prefer British food.
What sort of thing?
Nando's, Cafe Rouge. Zizi's...
Proper stuff.
Yeah, proper stuff.
European food,
what do you think?
No disrespect,
but too many cheeses in France.
Too many cheeses? We've got cheddar.
We've got... the orange one.
Dairylea. Dairylea.
Cheestrings. Laughing Cow. Wotsits.
The one with the cow, yeah.
Quavers. Quavers.
We don't need all the other ones.
Brexit means Brexit!
Now, we all like pizza, right?
We all like pizza.
There's some unusual ways of eating
it. Take a look at this.
Until he turned round I thought it
was going straight through
the back of his head.
Passing it through.
Could you do that?
Could I do that? I could do that.
Excellent. Hang on. I've got pizzas.
No... Oh, my God.
Pass it over. Lovely.
APPLAUSE
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
that's massive! I don't like...
Hang on... Oh, my...
Is this like a proper Italian?
I think someone's
left it in the garden, Jimmy.
You're taking the veg off?!
Oh, you are so South London!
If it was any good,
they would have chopped it up
and put it in the sauce.
I've got to try
and do this in one go?
You've got to try
and get that in one.
Oh, my God. Hang on.
I think he can do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
where we are still trying to guess
our favourite thing to do
on a mobile phone. Rob's team,
what do you think Britain
likes to do on its mobile phone?
Is it messaging people there?
WhatsApping?
Yeah, WhatsApp's a big...
Messenger.
The worst thing on a WhatsApp is,
when you are in, like,
a stag do group, and then
it comes up, the no-name numbers.
And all you know about them,
no name,
but just a picture of them
holding a massive carp. Yeah.
Oh, no!
These girls are all just pointed
to this lad when you said that.
I'm in a WhatsApp group that was
called the Three Musketeers.
It was with my two best friends.
And then it was called
Two Musketeers And One Dick
after a night out
that I don't remember.
I think administrators have
too much power in a WhatsApp group.
Because it is a brutal place.
"Hey guys, it's my birthday!"
And it's like, "Rob left." Oh.
The only thing worse than being
added into a WhatsApp group
is finding out there's
one you're not in,
which means they're slagging
you off. Yeah. The side group.
Terrifying. Are you in
the female comedians WhatsApp?
That is a loaded question. No!
So there's
a female comedians WhatsApp.
I know, I know, I'm in it,
but I'm deep undercover.
Hang on, hang on, who's in this
group, then? Like, everyone...
Just all the really funny
female comedians.
All the really funny female
comedians that Sarah's friends with
who are in the group, and then
there's you. Look, you're going to
get added and you're not
going to like it.
I don't want a pity add.
I'll add you, and I'll be like,
"guess who was really great
on TV tonight?"
And I'll say,
"New number, who's this?
My thing with social media is,
I do think it's making us
slightly more anxious.
So it's hard to do this,
but try to live your life -
just try it for a day by
this maxim -
if I did it in real life,
what would the consequences be?
So you wouldn't draw
back your curtains
and show your baby in the bath to
a street full of strangers and go,
"You, man with your hand
in the pockets,
"would you like my baby?"
Girls, you wouldn't
run into Asda and go,
"Everyone stop shopping!
look at my smoky eye."
No, of course not. That's somebody
who needs counselling.
Tagging yourself into hospital
without explanation
is one of the cruellest
things I've ever seen.
"Russ is at Southend Hospital."
"Why?" Guess!
do you know what I can't bear,
as well? The fake boasting.
Oh, I'm so happy with my new sofa.
And it's nothing to do with
the sofa. She is in a bikini.
It's like, "Who likes my new sofa?
Oh, my God."
My flap's come out,
I can't believe it. Oh, no.
A cartoon dog face on...
HE BARKS
If you've got a cartoon dog face
and your fanny out on the internet
and you're 35, get help!
Or get paid for it.
LAUGHTER
That's what I was thinking!
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
What else are people talking about
this week? Tom Allen.
Sorry, I felt like I was
touching your penis. That's fine.
That's the sound it makes! Is it?
BUZZER SOUND
I recover quick, though. Yeah.
I imagine your wife is
a lights-out person.
APPLAUSE
She's more of an
"I've got a headache" person. OK.
Tom, what do you think?
Is there a news that there's a fear
that the UK may face
a water shortage in 25 years?
Shit, sorry!
Sorry? Is it? How embarrassing.
I didn't know!
They said one of the ways
you can save water is by turning
the tap off when you
brush your teeth.
I mean, yours'll rust up.
LAUGHTER
Little dig for no reason there!
No reason. You've got a lovely face.
Stupid teeth, but lovely...
How is the UK making fun of
Rob's beautiful teeth?
Like you guys know teeth in any way.
Have any of you ever
been to a dentist?
Also, you're not running out of
water. Hello? It's the UK.
It rains more here than
in a Seal video. Get a bucket!
Leave Rob alone!
I can't believe... people
are genuinely worried about this,
but it's a water shortage in 25
years' time. Rich, are you worried?
What, 25 years' time?
No, not really.
Every time it rains,
I'm getting at first, so I'm fine.
I'm excited about
the hot weather, Jimmy,
because I'm regularly seen
in a bikini in my garden passed out,
but in when it's hot out,
fewer people call child services.
See, I'm going to be skinning out.
As soon as the sun comes out...
Skinning out? Skin is out.
Oh, skinning out! So the sun
comes out, the skin comes out?
Yeah. OK, I've never heard
the expression skinning out!
It's derived from patois,
right? Right.
There's a song, it's like
a popular bashment song,
and the artist screams,
"Skin out mi pum-pum!"
Basically meaning that she's going
to get her genitals out.
And I don't mean it like that.
I just mean I'm going to
be skinning out.
Not skinning out my pum-pum,
just, skinning out.
Oh, good, because I misunderstood.
I thought you were
skinning out your pum-pum. Yeah...
You know me.
I'm old school like that.
Time now for a bonus round, so Rob,
Sarah, join me in the middle.
We're going to play
Haye, Who's On The Phone?
OK, we're going to play
Haye, Who's On The Phone?
Can we have some
dramatic lighting, please?
Oh, yeah. OK, Sarah, if you dial
the last number on this phone,
you may or may not connect with
former heavyweight world champion
David Haye.
Rob, you've just got to guess
if David Haye is on the phone
or if she's bluffing.
Oh, OK. OK. So, dial the last number
on this phone.
We know each other quite well.
I'm going to get you to turn around
so you can't see each other. OK.
So he's just got to listen to me?
How do I... How do you use a phone?
Got it, I've got it. He's just
going to listen to me, is he?
He's not going to see my face?
You can see my face.
No, he's looking away. I can't see
anything. He can't see anything.
(I don't know anything
about boxing.)
You do? Rob, you're allowed
to ask questions.
Are you speaking to David Haye?
Not to... Oh, sorry.
That's a great
first question, though.
Oh, hello, David Haye, the boxer.
How are you? Oh, oh, you first.
Fine, thank you.
Where is he? Ask him where he is.
Where are you?
He's in a hotel in London.
OK. So what's your favourite
thing about being a boxer?
He likes to hurt people.
He likes to hurt people?
Rob's going to ask you
another question,
but he's thinking
of something to ask.
Who did he beat to win the world
heavyweight title? Shit!
LAUGHTER
Have you got Google on you?
What's the question?
Who did you beat... To be the
heavyweight champion of the world.
..to be the heavyweight
champion of the world?
Oh, it's a nice memory, is it? OK.
LAUGHTER
Right, it's a Russian guy.
We know that much. (Do you know it?)
Sarah, Sarah...
The biggest heavyweight ever in the
history of boxing? So you beat him?
Congratulations. It's a bit odd you
haven't remembered his name, David!
Well, in fairness, he has taken
a lot of blows to the head!
And was it a long match? Long match?
Do you call them matches or games?
They're fights, normally.
Oh, dear. Sarah really knows
her boxing. She could be bluffing.
How tall's David? Ask how tall
David is. All right, ask how tall...
How tall is David Haye?
I mean, how tall are you?!
I mean, how tall are you!
Definitely over 6 foot.
Definitely over 6 foot!
OK, so, Rob, I would like to know
if you think David Haye
is on the phone or not?
Well, I think everything
Sarah said was wrong. What?!
But I think she may be bluffing me,
and I think she's
talking to David Haye
and pretending
not to know the answers.
So I think
David Haye's on the phone.
You think David Haye's
on the phone. OK.
Let's see if David Haye
is on the phone.
Turn round.
Let's reveal.
It's David Haye!
CHEERING
David Haye, everyone!
Heavyweight boxing champion.
Some excellent acting skills,
but Rob gets the point.
Round of applause for David Haye.
Thank you very much, David Haye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wave goodbye, David.
I'll leave this on,
if you want to watch the rest.
Yeah, go on, let me see what's
going on. I'm enjoying it so far.
Can you hold this so he can watch
the rest of the show?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Hold that so he can watch?
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Catherine, Richard, Katherine,
what do you like the look of?
I like the look of Richard Osman.
OK, you've picked Richard,
host of Child Genius,
so we asked our studio audience...
That's such a tough one because
people who were popular are
obviously going to say popular and
people who were academic
are going to say popular.
What were you like at school? Were
you popular? Were you academic?
I mean, I was popular with
the important people, which is
to say I was academic,
so the teachers.
I learned a rap that helped me
memorise all the 50 states
and capitals of America.
Oh, brilliant. Let's do it.
Would you like to hear it?
Yes, please. No! Here it goes.
# Baton Rouge, Louisiana,
Indianapolis, Indiana
# And Columbus is the capital of
Ohio
# There's Montgomery, Alabama,
Helena, Montana
# There's Denver, Colorado and
Boise, Idaho
# Texas has Austin, Massachusetts,
Boston and Albany, New York
# Tallahassee, Florida
and Washington DC
# Santa Fe, New Mexico
and Nashville, Tennessee
# Juneau's in Alaska and
there's Lincoln in Nebraska... #
It goes on and on and on.
I WAS very smart!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Are you not doing the whole thing?
I can't do the whole thing. You
can't include the whole thing.
Why not? Listen, I've got one for
countries, too.
# United States, Canada, Mexico,
Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru... #
Please don't!
Dotty, what were you like at school?
I was the one that got kicked
out of the class quite a lot.
Oh, right, OK.
I think they weren't challenging me.
LAUGHTER
What kind of challenge did you want?
I just felt like, I don't need this
stuff, do you know what I mean?
When am I going to use this?
All the time.
Yesterday I was with a mate
and we had seven apples...
LAUGHTER
Right.
And he said to me,
"I want a third of them.
"How are we going to work this out?"
But I don't remember.
I can use a Bunsen burner. But
when have you ever had to use that?
Do you know what I mean?
All the time!
Friend'll come round, cup of tea,
pop on the Bunsen burner,
blue flame...
Shall we test who got
the most out of school?
Let's have our very own
spelling bee. Nice!
Come on. Come on up.
APPLAUSE
OK. I've never watched a spelling
bee in my life. Spelling bee. All
right, you stand there...
We're not American! B-E-E!
CHEERING
Face each other. Sorry. OK.
Now, we've upped the ante a little
bit... Yeah.
..so if you answer incorrectly,
I will give you an electric shock.
Oh, God.
You'll be fine, don't worry about
it. OK. I do really need a wee.
Imagine if I just pissed myself
here.
You'd all be, like,
"No, we won't tell anyone."
Argh! Fuck off!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Fucking hell! Does it really hurt?
It's like a badger going up me arse!
Does it really hurt?
No, it's fine. It ain't nice.
Owwww!
I didn't like that at all!
I thought you'd be into it. OK.
Can we have some tension lighting,
please? I've pissed myself.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
OK, Tom. You're up first.
Can you spell the word facetious?
BUZZER
Aaaargh!
Oh, make it stop! Jimmy, no!
That is incorrect. The correct
spelling of facetious is...
There's no way there's a T in there,
is there? What did I say?
You want to try again? No...
LAUGHTER
OK, next one. Rob. Yeah? Manoeuvre.
Ooh...
Don't fucking give it that,
like you know what's going on!
I love the fact even Rich Osman
went, "Ooh..." Yeah.
Good luck, Rob. Manoeuvre.
APPLAUSE
Take it, Rob.
BUZZER
Aaargh!
That was like Back To The Future
when Biff got angry!
Manoeuvre is...
Ohhh... You should have just read
it off the autocue.
I was going to say,
it's right there!
OK, next one. Easy one.
Spell pterodactyl.
Ah, fuck off...
P?!
Oh, yeah...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Owww!
OK. You were doing really well.
It was...
You missed out the C.
Oh, well, I was very worried about
getting electrocuted in the arse.
They're like those things they used
to advertise that you
put on your tummy
and got a six-pack.
Yeah. I'm going to have an amazing
six pack. Just on my arse.
If you play your cards right
later...
Jimmy!
Rob. I feel so sad. I've got
the posture of a dog at Battersea.
Easy one for you, Rob.
Rhythm.
Great start.
Correct! Yes!
APPLAUSE
So Rob is the winner!
You've won the spelling bee!
Aaargh! Ow!
Argh! Get off!
A survey recently revealed that
15% of pet owners love their pet
more than their partner,
so we asked...
All I know about dogs is poodles
are getting a lot of action at
the moment cos they're all
crossed with a poodle, innit?
Cockapoo, cavapoo, do-a-poo,
need-a-poo, had-a-poo...
All the poo. It's true.
There's so many different types of
dog now.
When I was a kid,
I swear there was three.
There was, like, Dulux dog,
Andrex dog, Blue Peter dog.
That was all the dogs.
There was dogs with balls,
working-class dogs. Yep.
Dogs without balls, middle-class
dogs.
Dogs with jackets, upper-class.
Kiri, what have you got?
I've got a cat and dog.
OK, so what about names, what have
you called them? OK, Oh, God.
Er, so the dog is called Ci,
which is Welsh for dog.
Fair enough.
Just straight to the point.
Does he know that?
He doesn't know anything,
he's thick as fuck.
Then I've got a cat who's a rescue.
I really like him,
except he insists on watching me
and my partner bang.
I'll think he's out the room,
I've cleared everything,
and then we'll be at it and I'll
just sort of, we'll move round,
and there'll be just a pair of
eyes watching me.
I can't have sex
if the dog's watching
and that's why
I always hold it like that.
What's tasteful about
Naked Attraction, Anna,
is that they're always flaccid.
Not always, Katherine. Oh, what?!
Have you had incidents? We do have
to stop the show quite often...
When it's...? We'll just say to the
fellas,
"Look, can you just go and sort
yourself out and then pop back?"
What?! "Sort yourself out"?
They've gone and...?
I don't know what they do!
I don't know what they do.
I don't know, I've never had
an erection on telly before.
I've got one right now
and things are fine.
Is it fellas that are just trying to
give themselves a little,
you know, like,
a little jump-start... Yeah.
..just to get, kind of, halfway
there? Yeah, exactly that.
The best thing to do is wank
and then leave it and go on stage.
How big is your penis, Katherine?!
There's a proper thunk.
You've done the show for quite a
while now.
What is the perfect penis? What are
we looking for?
Well, as every woman knows,
you want girth, not length.
Yes! But...
Oh, sorry.
You say girth, not length,
do you mean no length whatsoever?
I'll be honest, hands up - mine's
like a can of tuna.
Fishy?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's what they're after?
As long as it doesn't smell like a
can of tuna, I think
we're going to be OK.
GROANING
It's spring water,
not brine, don't worry.
Can I just say, don't say to a girl,
"My penis is like a can of tuna."
Hockey puck?
Now, before we carry on,
as a tribute to Naked Attraction,
we're going to play Carrot In A Box:
Naked Attraction Edition.
Rob, Katherine, come on down.
OK. Regular viewers will be familiar
with Carrot In A Box.
The rules are simple.
You each get a box. One of the boxes
contains a naked penis.
The aim of the game is to end up
with a dick in the box.
Bring on the boxes.
If you just step back a little bit.
Yes, it's a
game of bluff in the buff.
OK, in a moment, I'll ask Rob to
look in his box. Why me?!
If Rob doesn't see his chap's chap,
then he'll have to bluff
Katherine into giving him her box.
Ultimately, Katherine gets to choose
whether she keeps her box or
swaps with Rob.
OK, Rob, so you want a cock,
Katherine, you want a cock -
no change there - but there's only
one cock.
Let's say Carrot In A Box:
Naked Attraction Edition.
Rob, can you look in your box.
Ugh...
Katherine, you're not allowed to
look inside your box.
You want a proper... You don't
want to miss a thing.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
LAUGHTER
I don't know what I was expecting!
Little beauty, innit? Have a
little look. I've had a look.
Do we keep looking?
Do you want to keep your box or do
you want to swap with Katherine?
I'm going to keep it.
There's a dick there, Katherine.
There's a dick in your box?
That's the closest I've ever been to
one that's not mine.
That's a lie.
LAUGHTER
Do you think Rob's bluffing?
Was it cut or uncut?
I can't give you a firm
answer on that.
Speaking of firm,
is he pleased to see you are not?
OK, er...
Get down!
Softer now. Softer now.
You just blew on his dick! Yeah.
It looks like it's retreating.
I think it's panicked.
Are there any distinguishable
features on the dick?
He's drawn a face on it...
..and it moves when he laughs.
OK, so do you think he's bluffing,
do you think there's
a dick in the box, or do you think
you've got a dick in the box?
I think Rob is bluffing because he's
gone back to look at the dick
so many times and Rob is a
respectable family man,
I don't think he'd be so thirsty
for the cock.
I'm getting into it!
OK, so it's time now for the
blindfolded taste challenge.
OK, so what do you think,
you think he's bluffing?
I think that there's a dick in MY
box. I think that Rob is bluffing.
I mean, there's a point for whoever
wins this so, gentlemen,
if you could face forward and...
Ooh!
..Katherine's man,
we would like you to open your box.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no!
So that's a point for you, Rob.
I mean, it's worth saying,
you did look a lot at that dick.
You kept going back for more.
I thought, you know, it's a nice
dick, why not have a look at it?
It's not very often you get to see
a dick that much.
I'm relaxed, I'm a comfortable guy,
I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
If I want to look at a dick,
I'll look at a dick.
Yeah, Rob! That's beautiful!
And just to prove
we were not lying...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's a point to Rob, everyone!
Point to Rob!
We'll see you after the break!
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is, is the name
of our final round.
Here is your question.
What do you think?
BUZZER
I'd love to be invisible,
but I wouldn't do anything.
I would just lay on my sofa at home
and be left alone.
I'd just lay there
and not be told to do anything.
Oh, I can imagine the thing
you would do. What would I do?
You'd go around.
Go where? Go around in this
audience. Doing what?
You'd be doing stuff.
I know what you mean, Fred.
Really the question is, what is
the SECOND thing I would do?
They'd think the ladies
changing rooms were haunted.
If you did do that, right,
which is obviously very creepy,
but when you're invisible
you can still bump into people.
Because after a while
they'd be like,
"There's something wrong in that
changing room. I keep falling over."
And just every so often we hear...
HE MOCKS JIMMY'S LAUGH
Natasha,
what superpower would you have?
If I could work out some sort
of superpower
where I didn't have to go
to the toilet any more,
I could just, like, ingest it
somehow, without it poisoning me.
I just need it all the time.
I'm a toilet woman. I honestly...
NISH LAUGHS
I wake up in the morning sometimes
and think, today is not about
what I have to do,
it's where my piss wants to go.
That's called a
urine infection, babes.
My dad, I was at home for Christmas.
And I came on my period,
and my mum was like,
"Can you go out,
when you go to the shops,
"can you get some sanitary towels
for Tash?"
And he brought me back TENA Lady,
because he just saw them.
But honestly, the best thing
I've ever been given.
The best gift you've ever received.
So he bought them by mistake
and you just leant into it?
"Well, I'll use these."
It was just like...
You can't fully let go
because it's too scary,
but you can a little bit.
You just didn't let it all hang out?
When it's like, "I'll just let
that out," and then I have some time
before I have to run to the toilet.
There is a fine line between just
a little bit and self-loathing.
I haven't got anyone.
I'm not in a relationship,
I do what I bloody want.
I think I wouldn't give up
my power to use...
I do a lot of my best thinking
on the toilet.
I have sit-down wees,
I don't mind admitting to it.
Oh, come on. Do you hear that?
They judged you more than
Natasha pissing herself.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's press pause on all this.
What do you mean you have
sit-down wees?
Sometimes I have a sit-down wee.
I treat myself... Why?
Because I'm not an animal.
I treat myself to a sit-down wee.
Why should ladies have all the fun?
Oh, I do that, too.
That's right, because
you don't have to concentrate.
Exactly! You just sit down
and relax.
Concentrate? I don't need to
concentrate. It's hard having a wee.
Like, I don't want to get into the
mechanics of it, but first thing
in the morning, try and have
a piss - it goes everywhere.
You have to aim! It's like
the mouth of your dick's yawning.
Whoa! Fucking hell!
And sometimes it goes like that.
It goes like that. I can't do
that, I think that's a French thing.
Sometimes on a night out, you know
when there's like 15 in a row,
I will try and piss in all of them.
Like, hold it and go.
Has someone ever walked in as you're
doing a weird crab walk across?
You've just got to own it.
You go, "Mind out, mate,
I'm doing the full set."
What do you think?
People looking for employment now
have to take
all of their pics off-line.
Because I hire baby-sitters,
and my first thing
is to go straight to their Instagram
and see how big of a slut they are.
Pick the slutty baby-sitters?
I pick the sluttiest baby-sitter.
I don't want her leaving me
for a better job.
JOHNNY SNEEZES
No, I have a lovely baby-sitter.
Johnny,
have you sneezed on your jumper?
Come here.
ALL: Urgh!
I did not want to interrupt
the conversation over there,
so I was going, "Ahh... choo!"
I was doing such a half-sneeze.
You've never not wanted to interrupt
a conversation in your life.
I got a sneezing fit. I apologise.
I just was turning round
and going, "Blaahh..."
And not trying to make a noise.
Anna. Yeah? Starting a new job...
No, hang on! I had a sneezing fit.
I had a genuine sneezing fit.
I was turning round,
trying to sneeze quietly,
I did it more on the left, the right
is still quite heavily congested.
But there's nothing
I can do about that.
I don't know why it came on.
Just wanted to be part of the team.
Anna. Yes? Anna...
It's all right,
I'll take my inner T-shirt
and blow my fucking nose.
KATHERINE: No, don't...
ALL: Urgh!
Well, that must be... You've now got
some sort of chest oyster.
No, it's all right.
I'm back in the game.
ROB: Is it holding in a fart?
Yeah. Sorry, do you need me
to pull your finger?
I... I vouch for that. Especially...
Do you know what
a Dutch oven is? Yes.
I feel like I really don't want
that to be a recipe
in your new book, Liam.
I like a good fart,
especially, like,
the loud ones that have loads
of depth of, like, smell and that.
So I can't...
It's honestly like you're
describing a loaf right now.
This is the idea.
OK, please go on.
Yeah, so I normally like top
and tail with my pals or whatever
if they stay at mine,
so I can't really fart that much
if they stay in my bed.
When your friends stay over,
you top and tail? Yeah.
That's called a 69, Liam.
Because my bed is pretty big, innit,
so I'm not like,
"Oh, you can stay on my sofa,"
because my sofa's a bit tired now.
Have you not got a floor?
Yeah, but who wants to sleep
on the floor?
I'd rather that than your
stinky arse in my face.
How does your sofa get tired?
I mean, what does it do all day?
LAUGHTER
Holding it in does hurt as well.
Holding it...
I went on a flight once
with somebody that
I didn't know very well
and I held it in the whole flight.
I got there and I thought
I was dying.
I genuinely was doubled over
in pain from the wind
that I'd accumulated
whilst in the air.
Are you sure you're pregnant?
When you first start seeing someone
and you're staying over,
you don't really want
to fart in bed with them.
Like, you have to hold it in.
I remember I tried to hold
it in for hours and hours
and it was, well, I'm going
to have to go to the toilet.
It was a flat share, but she had
an en-suite room and I was like,
"How am I going to do this?"
So what I did,
and I still use it to this day,
if you just pull
your arse cheeks open,
it just sort of whistles out of you.
It feels like you're deflating,
like "Sssssssss..."
It went on for ages.
I nearly woke her up and go, "You're
going to have to listen to this!"
OK, top superpower,
what do you think?
I'd like to suddenly be white.
Like, cos... sometimes
you go to parts of the country
and everyone's looking at you
and you'd just like to be able to
press a button and be like,
"Hi, Nick Cooper."
I work in accounts
and wear red socks.
Ha ha ha ha! Let's play bridge.
BUZZER
Smelly helmet?
I was going to say burping.
That is outrageous!
That mime's amazing!
Well, I suppose the equivalent
for boys is disco fanny.
I heard someone describe it
once as being a bit gamey.
Gamey?!
Not mine! Not mine!
TOM: Have you ever seen
the Great Wall Of Vagina?
Yes! Isn't it beautiful?
It's a wonderful work of art,
I think my favourite, actually,
where about 70 vulvas
are cast in stone. Yes.
Do you know what, Tom?
If somebody had asked me to
guess your favourite work of art,
that would not have been...!
LAUGHTER
You know, I think it's curious,
I think it's because
I'm so familiar with the other,
I want to see it. Mm-hmm.
Just, he keeps on giving!
Do you know, whenever...
Like, cos as women, we get our bits
looked at all the time, don't we?
Like, nurses, gynaecologists, fuck
it, I'll let the window cleaner have
a look! Everyone.
LAUGHTER
Every time a nurse or a
gynaecologist has looked at my bits,
they've told me
I've got a lovely cervix.
I don't know what that means,
but I do know that in my life,
I've been told my cervix is lovely
way more than I've been told
my face is.
Do they say that?
"That's a lovely one. You could
eat your dinner off that!"
I think it just means that
it's got good blood flow
and it's sort of shiny.
I used to be a nurse.
You can tell, can't you?
You used to be a nurse?
Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
I didn't know that. How fascinating.
Have you seen
a lot of... a lot of them, then?
Quite a lot, yeah. The most
disturbing thing I've ever seen is,
it can happen sometimes, when people
get old,
things get a little
bit... change place... I...
I've seen a woman shit out
of her vagina, that's what...
Oh!
Katherine Ryan!
Look, they got what they pay for.
That wins.
That's worse than smelly helmet.
LAUGHTER
Funny story,
that's how it got smelly!
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
PAISLEY: Are you serious?!
I thank you.
APPLAUSE
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media