8 Out of 10 Cats (2005–…): Season 22, Episode 2 - Episode #22.2 - full transcript
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
Bish Bash Swash - it's Joe Swash.
We're crazy for Maisie -
it's Maisie Adam.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight,
she's the one to watch -
it's Angela Scanlon.
Stand-up guy - it's Jamali Maddix.
And Katherine Ryan,
their team captain.
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats,
the show about opinion polls,
surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example,
two thirds of human communication is
by gesture, not speech.
Sounds about right.
People are always waving at me.
All right, Jimmy?
More than half of Brits
enjoy meat substitutes
or, as they are more commonly
known, dildos.
And 63% of British women say size
does matter, so if you're
a man with a small penis,
little tip -
and little shaft, I'd imagine.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About?
That's the name of our first round.
This week, our panellists'
job is to guess the British public's
top three fears. Rob's team, what do
you think the nation are afraid of?
Snakes, spiders, all that sort
of thing. You don't like snakes?
No, hate snakes.
I can't watch I'm A Celeb cos
I just get too scared for them.
It's horrible. Have you seen that
video of Steve Irwin when he's like,
"It won't bite me,
it won't bite me"?
Very calm.
And then out of nowhere, "Sfft!"
Yeah, but what ever happened to him?
I don't mind snakes. The creepy
crawlies, I really get. Yeah.
Spiders.
JIMMY SHUDDERS
People always go like,
"Oh, they're more scared of you
than you are of them."
I'm like, "Well, get out of my
house, then."
Would you get the spider, then,
if it was in your house?
If there was a spider in the bath,
could you go and get it?
Yeah, depending on size.
Anything above five foot,
I'll leave it in there.
I'm not afraid of insects
because I live in the UK.
I don't understand this
fear of spiders
when your spiders have the lowest
street cred worldwide of any spider.
Other spiders are like,
"Oh, I can paralyse them,
"I can poison them, I can kill
them." What do your spiders do?
Piss you off?
It's like when you guys complain
about snow, the world is laughing.
Jamali, what about creepy crawlies
generally? No, I'm cool with that.
I've got bigger issues
than, like, a spider.
Like, haters and snitches
and stuff like that on the agenda.
Haters, snitches, spiders.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if there was a spider that's
snitched on you? Oh, yeah.
Then you've got to stamp it out.
Rule number one. That's just
the code, in't it? Yeah.
I like how I can get away with
saying things, like,
"That's just the code,"
and white people just go,
"Oh, yes, fair enough."
We have centipedes in Canada
and I was alone in my flat
in a very rough part of Toronto
and that's back when I was very
young, very small, very Britney,
hair-coloured skin, skin-coloured
hair and it was two in the morning
and there was a centipede
on the wall
and I knew I couldn't sleep
with it there,
so I just went outside in little
pink hot pants and I asked
some gang members if they would
come inside and kill the centipede.
And they were lovely.
Really nice guys.
And they killed the centipede
and then they left
and then they, like,
looked at for me
and I was always, like, bringing
them snacks and things.
Sorry, are you talking about
something I've seen on Pornhub?
Are you scared of
creepy crawlies cos I mean,
you went in the jungle, didn't you?
I'm not scared of creepy crawlies.
Last year, funnily enough... Oh,
it's not funny. Don't say it, then.
I was doing something
and a cockroach ran into my earhole
and it stayed in there for three
days. It died in there.
I went to hospital. Was
this in the jungle? In the jungle.
We did a trial. It ran down the ear.
How big are your ears?
Honestly,
they must just open up like a cave.
The thing is,
what you've got in there is a brain.
Whereas his goes straight through.
Anyway, the bug went in
and the hospital couldn't get it out
the year for three days and
literally my party trick
for a little while, I'd do this,
and it smelt like death. No!
Oh, what a party trick!
Got to have some of that.
I lived in Australia for a year
and we had...
There was quite a big group of us
in Sydney
and there were cockroaches
everywhere in our house
and so instead of cleaning
the dishes which maybe was
an attraction for them,
we would just collect all the cups
and just put them
over the cockroach
so that they could stay there
underneath the cup
and then we would just going
about our business, dodging these
multiple dozens of cups with dead
cockroaches underneath them.
Sounds like the bottom deck of the
Titanic. It felt a bit like that.
Yes. But they weren't smelly.
So I don't know what happened
in your ear.
Mine was dead. For three days.
What was the cause of death?
I think boredom in there, probably.
What? You know I love you.
OK, let's have a look and see if
creepy crawlies are up there.
Yes. It's a creepy crawlies.
On I'm A Celebrity 2018,
Joe Swash was taken to hospital
when a cockroach lodged
itself in his ear.
"It was one of the worst experiences
of my life," said the cockroach.
So not scared of creepy crawlies -
what about a rat?
I heard rats are pretty smart.
I don't love rodents.
I don't want anything in my house
that's uninvited.
Take a look at this guy dealing with
a rat in the bathroom
but really watch out for the cat.
No, no. Tremendous!
"Yeah, I'll bring the cat in there
"cos the cat will probably get the
rat," and the cat's going, "No."
Katherine, what else are the nation
afraid of? Is it death? What?
Keep it light. I think death is
a beautiful thing.
You know, it can be a real
relief for an Eastern European model
wanting to cash in on ten years
of sucking cock.
Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Look at poor Melania Trump. Yeah.
She's, like, absolutely
overachieved as a gold-digger
and weirdly underachieved.
Yeah, if you look at Anna Nicole
Smith on the day of her wedding
to her 89-year-old husband
and then a year later
on the day of his funeral,
she's a lot happier that day.
That's why I always try to teach
young girls who want to gold-dig
to go very old.
Like, if he's still eating solid
food, he's too young. Yes.
Are you scared of death, Jamali?
I nearly died not that long ago
when I was in Bangkok
and I got measles
and my lungs haemorrhaged. What?
So I was coughing up blood.
My mum never got me vaccinated.
You were not vaccinated? Yeah, this
is what happens cos they were saying
to me, "Have you been vaccinated?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
I rang my mum and I said, "Mum, did
you vaccinate me when I was a kid?"
And she goes, "Nah!"
So I'm like, you know, "Uh-oh."
There were four of us
and only two of us were vaccinated.
My mum ain't a nice woman, man.
Well,
two of your siblings would disagree.
Scared of death, Maisie?
Yeah, terrified. Are you?
Yeah, absolutely terrified,
yeah. Really?
Like, I'll start freaking out
if I start talking about it.
Like, once we go, that's it.
You'll be gone. You. Everyone.
Just those two. Just them two.
If you're on a plane and there's
really bad turbulence...
Yeah, oh, I'm a wreck. See, I go the
other way.
I go, "All right, then, let's go."
Yeah, I'm like that.
I'm all right on planes cos I kind
of think it's out of your hands.
Someone else is in charge of
that. Hope so.
"Beckett, you're up for an hour."
"Fucking hell."
I'm not afraid of death at all.
What?
Why aren't you scared of death?
Because I think the wake situation
is quite exciting.
When I was six, I stayed in a bed
with my dead granny. What? Yeah.
So it was a wake. It was awake,
well, she's not dead, then.
It's called a wake
and so after the person dies,
before they go to the church and
get buried, you have a wake.
Yeah, we know what a wake is.
OK, well, then,
why is this such a surprise to you?
Because you said you slept with her.
Sometimes we don't sleep with the
corpses, that's the only difference.
Have you planned your funeral, Joe?
Me? No, of course I haven't.
I think you should. You're doing
Dancing On Ice. Yes.
I'm with Rob, I don't really care
when it happens, to be fair.
It'll happen when it happens,
do you know what I mean?
It feels like you're talking
me into some kind of joint suicide.
All right, shall we?
Fuck it, why not?
I mean, I can't spend too much
time thinking about it.
Let nature take its course.
Or don't let nature take its course.
That's why I've got a head start on
the embalming.
I'm the only one in my family
with any money,
I've got to pay for the funeral
and I'm doing it in instalments.
My face is ready to be buried.
Do you know, sometimes when there's
a funeral and people go,
"You know what? I don't want it to
be sad,
"I want it to be a celebration."
They say that and when you
look at one that is a celebration,
sometimes not great.
This is why there's no
dancing at funerals.
MUSIC PLAYS
It's the way they all walk away,
like, "Not my problem."
The walking away is remarkable
because one guy stays there
and goes, "What have we done?"
And the others just walk
away like, "Not my fault."
They got far too cocky
cos there was the little bounce
and then they started doing
this whole trying to get it round
their shoulders,
like they were going to start doing
keepy-ups with it.
Also, super simple lesson -
nail it shut. Yeah.
I mean, that's not half as bad
if you've nailed that shut.
Nailed it shut.
It's such a horrible term.
Imagine if you worked as a funeral
director,
"Right, do you want to nail it
shut?
"Nail it shut. That's 80 quid."
If you do nail it shut, you can
guarantee that Angela won't
climb in and try and hug it.
It's worth it, it's worth it.
Well, let's have a look and see
if death is up there.
Yes, it's death.
My nan actually died of a heart
attack and I'll never forget it
because it was the same day
I bought her an air horn.
Now, it's not in the top three
but one of the things
Brits are most afraid of is rats,
so it's time for a bonus round.
Is There A Rat Under My Hat?
I literally just said that.
Rob, Maisie, Joe, go and get your
Is There A Rat Under My Hat hats on.
Katherine, come with me. Let's play
Is There A Rat Under My Hat?
Is There A Rat Under My Hat?
Erm... Right.
Well, just on facial expressions,
I think you can
tell who's got a rat under her hat.
I don't want to say that this
is going to be slightly
underwhelming as a game.
It could be a double bluff.
Oh, it could be a double bluff,
but it definitely isn't.
Look at her.
Katherine, who's got a rat
under their hat?
I don't know. I think
I need a lot of time to tell.
Joe, I think what Katherine is
trying to say is, could you tell us
a little bit about your childhood?
Where did you go to primary school?
Yes, so I went to a place called
Thornhill and then
I went to Highburgh Grove and then
I went into the acting and yeah...
Rob, what's your favourite film?
Demolition Man. Demolition Man.
Interesting choice.
Katherine, any further questions
before we conclude?
It's interesting because...
Step on it, step on it.
I just wanted to tell you guys that
Angela was telling me
a second ago that
if a rat defecates on your head
and any of it seeps into your eye,
you'll go blind.
Maisie, Maisie, do you like dogs?
Cos we might be getting you one.
I love dogs. Hurry up.
No, seriously, hurry up.
Right, so who do you think has
a rat under their hat?
I mean, either she's
the actress of a generation... Yeah.
I don't know if Maisie has
a rat under her hat.
Because I thinkthis might be
a double bluff situation, like,
I don't know, Maisie,
are you a good actress?
No.
And then Joe Swash,
he's had cockroaches in his ears,
God knows what else.
He's cool as a cucumber,
in fact he's been in the jungle
and so has Rob. We didn't do
none of that in the jungle.
We just tried to do some jokes.
Yeah, I had a skill.
Not now. I'm going to need an answer
now. I really can't tell.
What do you mean, you can't tell?
There has never been a more obvious
question in the history
of television.
This is like a quiz on This Morning.
I think it's double bluff too.
I think it's double bluff.
You see, we don't trust people.
Who do you think has got a rat under
their hat? Quick.
You've got to think. I think the rat
is in Joe's hat.
It might be in my hat.
Because he's never been more... Agh!
Look at that. Wow!
The greatest ever!
I got you. Maisie Adam there!
Unbelievable.
OK, so points to Katherine's team.
That's it for this part.
We're going to hose Joe Swash down.
See you after the break.
You can go. You're done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
where we'll still trying to guess
what British people are most afraid
of. OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER
Rob's team.
Ghosts? I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
Felt compelled to say that.
Do you believe in that? No, I don't.
You do, though, don't you?
There's bits of I believe
and bits that I don't believe.
Do you believe in ghosts? That bit.
If there was ghosts
then it'd be overpopulated.
There'll be ghosts everywhere.
You know a stopped clock
is right twice a day.
Such a good point.
"If there ghosts there'd be ghosts
fucking everywhere.
"All over the shop."
But no-one proper, like,
clever or successful sees ghosts.
It's never, like, Bill Gates goes,
"I saw a ghost the other day."
It's always, like, Coleen Nolan
on Loose Women going,
"I was visited by a spirit."
Do you believe in this? Yes,
I really believe that there spirits
and shit happens
that is unexplainable.
Tell me something that's
unexplainable
and I'll explain it. Go ahead.
OK, so last night I was in bed...
Right. ..and I had a dream I thought
I was gonna be murdered by this man
who looked like a Ken doll.
He was my Uber driver in the dream.
He kept muttering things to me
and he kept telling me about a
discussion I just had on the phone.
So I knew that he was in my head,
so I woke myself up
and my body was freezing cold.
And then I went back to sleep
and then I felt a cold
breath on my face.
Have you been paying your bills?
Pardon?
Have you been paying your bills?
I think the unexplainable,
Joe Swash...
Might have left the window open.
Yeah.
OK.
Jamali, do you believe in ghosts?
No, I don't believe in none of that.
All my family are into all
this wacky shit.
My grandma believes in it.
She does all that Luigi board stuff.
Luigi board?!
APPLAUSE
All that... Luigi board. It's like
Mario Brothers and a Ouija board.
Is it Ouija board?
All sat on a table,
green hat on, overalls. Fag.
Mushroom.
The signs of a haunted house,
though, are the smell of decay
and rooting food, dodgy electrics.
Like, stuff going missing.
And then apparently people wake up
between 3.00 and 4.00am
with an overwhelming sense of dread.
That's not a haunted house,
that's a student house.
Ghosts are very
particular about consent.
So, unlike men who are alive, they
only reveal themselves to people
who want to see them. Yeah.
And even in my house I go round
sometimes at night and I know
I closed all the cupboards
but all the cupboards are open.
Like, I hear strange noises at night
and then sometimes
I can feel a heavy weight in the
night trying to have sex with me.
And then that's
when I realise I just got married.
Tell you what, right? I done a ghost
documentary years ago
and I stayed at this fella's house.
He's an old geezer called Fred.
He lived in this place called
the Ram's Inn.
I had to stay there one night
and he reckons that there's
a certain ghost called an incupus.
Incubus. Incubus. Incubus.
It's a ghost that tries to
have sex with ya.
And then there's a succupus.
Succupus, yeah.
I think that's self-explanatory,
that one.
But, yeah, no-one tried to do
nothing to me so I was pretty...
Insulted! They weren't
interested in me at all.
Creep in and suck off Fred...
Great prank, Rob, great prank.
"We had a right laugh. I just sucked
Fred off, he thought it was a ghost.
"Quality!"
"Lads, lads!"
"Lads!
"The geezer..."
Who's...now, Fred?!
Rob and Joe Ghost Hunters.
Just going round the country sucking
people off in haunted houses.
I can tell you ghosts are not
up there or indeed up there.
The thing is, my house is built
on a burial site.
I mean, it wasn't
when I moved in but now...
OK, one more to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
What are people scared about?
BUZZER
Is it losing your phone?
There's quite a lot of anxiety
around this now.
People really feel like it's an
extension of self. Do you worry
about losing your phone, Joe?
I lose my phone quite a lot.
But for some reason my phones always
work their way back to me.
I'm generally pretty lucky. Lucky?
Yeah, you got a TV career,
look at ya. Come on.
You git!
I can't help myself.
If anyone wants his phone number,
he gives them his mum's landline.
Aw. Who rung your mum?
Fatima Whitbread.
She had Brendan from Coach Trip
phoning... This is like pantomime...
Katherine,
are you addicted to your phone?
No. I mean, I like my phone.
I use my phone. I've never lost it.
I turn on everyone
I know Find My Friends.
I know their whereabouts.
I've put a GPS on my daughter.
Didn't even tell her.
Quick injection in the back
of the neck when they're asleep.
People aren't properly addicted.
It's not the same as proper
addiction.
If you was addicted
to your phone you'd be,
like, sat on a piss-stained
mattress at Kings Cross
sucking someone off for
a two-minute scroll of Instagram.
The Ghost Hunters are back
with a phone.
I wanna refresh Twitter.
Just three clips on YouTube.
The blowjobs are getting worse.
I can't wait till you two go broke
and have to make a sex tape.
The saddest thing ever.
If I ever did do a blowjob it'd be
more for me than them. Yeah.
What could I get away
with during this blowjob
until they just give up on it?
Until they go, "Please stop." Yeah.
That'll be my tactic in prison.
"All right, then."
Scare the fuck out them. Or I'll go,
"Yeah, do you want one?"
"No worries, mate."
Angela, have you ever lost
your phone? Yeah.
And what were the repercussions?
No repercussions.
I just got Find My Phone
and I found it.
As in the thing...
It's a great story.
You might want to save that
for when you're on Graham Norton...
That's a wonderful anecdote.
Jamali, are you worried about
losing your phone? Yeah.
I realised how weak I was.
I was in LA and I was downtown
and I lost my phone in the Uber
and I tried to chase the Uber
but I'm not as fast as a car.
I had no money, I had nothing.
I dunno where I am, I was lost.
And in about five minutes I was
like, "Oh, I just live here now."
Like, "This is where I exist now.
I'm stuck."
And I saw the homeless people
and I was like,
"I don't think they're homeless,
"I think they're people that
lost their phones in Ubers."
Stuck there now forever. But I had
that real anxiety. I was like,
"I'm fucked, I can't do anything
cos it's got my money on it,
"my travel, everything."
Your porn's on it.
Do you store porn? Me? Yeah. No, but
I've been caught a few times lately.
I don't ever delete my history
so Stacey would look at something
on my phone on the internet
and it would be like "amateur milf".
Ain't that just
the Loose Women panel?
He can't say that.
I can't say that but, yeah, yeah.
Loose Women is separate
search all its own.
I'm a really lazy wanker,
as in, like...
Do I even have to be here?
Like, instead of doing a bit
of prep, you know, check the door,
get everything ready,
I'll just go straight into it.
And then thinking,
"Oh, fuck, someone's coming."
"Oh, my God, this is actually
quite a busy bus route!"
I can tell you losing your phone
is not one of our top fears
but when it comes to new technology,
I have to admit I'm a little
bit behind the curve.
I only found out my pager
had stopped working
when I read about it on Ceefax.
OK, so what else are people
frightened of? Fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER
End of the world. Yeah. Do you worry
about that, Joe? No. I mean...
I worry more about missing
out on things.
So if we're all gonna die
I'm not gonna miss out on much
so let's all do it together.
No fomo. No fomo, mate.
What about a zombie attack?
I think I'd be all right, I'm quite
quick, I'd stay on me toes.
I think I'd just become one.
Do you reckon? I'd just give in.
Yeah, let's do that.
That didn't take
a lot of convincing, did it?
That would be a really short
series of The Walking Dead.
"What we gonna do? Shall we just
be a zombie?" "Yeah, fuck it."
"Come here, boys!"
I can't believe, Rob, you've finally
got a catchphrase.
It makes sense as a zombie blowjob.
Yes.
This is where you guys
were going with it all along.
That can't be my catchphrase. I
can't sit down at parents' evening.
"Oh, you're the..."
"You're a star."
Scared of end of the world?
A little bit.
Like, they say that if a nuclear
disaster happened it would cause
95% fatalities within a 4km radius.
But I've down Couch to 5K
so I'd be all right.
If they said there's an asteroid
heading towards Earth,
you've got a month to live...
What would you do?
No recycling for a start. Yeah.
I'd just launch it in my garden.
So you wouldn't change anything?
Yeah, just live my life as normal.
What about you guys?
Scared of the end of the world?
It depends how it is.
If it turns to Mad Max world, all
the economy's dead, I wanna go out
first wave. I don't wanna be eating
some dead dude's arm,
wearing, like,
long jackets and shit.
You're worried about the fashion
choices.
Goggles and stuff
and you gotta ride a quad bike.
I don't wanna do all that shit.
If it looks like the end
of the world we are going to need
alternative food sources.
So I've got some snacks here which
are alternative protein sources.
I've got nachos for you.
Do you wanna grab those?
Love nachos.
And they're with crickets.
Apparently they're, well,
not delicious but edible.
Oh, Jesus. Joe, you've been here,
done that, right?
Yeah, I don't need to do it again.
You've all seen me do it.
Oh, God!
I hate jalapenos!
Shall I feed Beckett?
Yeah, feed Beckett.
That's too many!
That's too... Oh. Open your mouth.
Oh!
Were you trying to catch them there?
You really lunged for it. Oh! Oh!
Are you gonna try one,
Angela? Yeah. OK.
This is your audition for the
jungle. Is it OK?
I like it. It's all right.
You like it? I think the worst thing
is the tomatoes and the guac.
This is cricket bruschetta.
Oh, hang on, Maisie's gone.
They're not eating...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maisie's gone.
Swallow it, Maisie!
Oh... Don't think about...
Don't think about what it is.
SHE RETCHES
Maisie, I think it's all right.
We ate loads of them.
Loads. Loads of them.
It's so... It's the... The legs.
SHE COUGHS
Oh, no, no, no!
You can't really feel the legs.
And there's no difference between
a cricket and a lobster
or a shrimp. Yes, there is.
One lives in the sea,
one's in the field.
I tell you what, I know
David Attenborough's getting on
a bit and he's gonna go someday
but don't worry, we got Joe Swash.
Let's have a look and see
if it's up there.
Yes, it's the end of the world.
The world is facing
a catastrophic pandemic.
There've been over 2,000 cases
of bubonic plague
reported in Madagascar. But
the good news is, eh, Madagascar.
So those were the top three things
Brits are afraid of
but let's not forget fear of clowns.
Big silly grin,
bulging eyes and orange hair,
Rob, are you scared of clowns?
Big rubber face, silly clothes
and a fake nose, Katherine,
are you scared of clowns?
At the end of that round Rob,
Maisie and Joe have 2 points,
Katherine, Angela
and Jamali have 2 points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is
the Pick Of The Polls.
Katherine, Angela, Jamali,
what do you like the look of?
I think we will go for the happy man
and woman looking at a laptop.
OK, well, you have picked the
working colleagues flirting.
Uh-oh. Here's your related question.
I think that's false. Yeah.
You think most people would date
a colleague. Yeah. I think...
Have you dated a colleague?
Um... Bit of One Show gossip.
No. You haven't? No.
Angela's a model,
and who wants to date a male model?
Just have a wank and call it a day.
Would you ever date a colleague,
Jamali?
I wouldn't, like,
date another comedian... No.
..because we're all psychos.
Katherine,
have you ever dated anyone at work?
Of course, people
are dating colleagues.
How else are you going to date?
Yeah.
A colleague, to me, is just a man
with a job, and that's good enough.
Depends where you work,
though, innit?
Broadmoor, no.
Spearmint Rhino, yes.
Katherine, you used to work in a
bar. Was there any romance there?
No, but I fucked the manager,
because I wanted to leave early.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How did you get off the normal work
shift for fucking a manager?
I just got to leave
whenever I wanted -
but I felt like I was playing him.
I actually had a crush on him,
as well, so it wasn't like...
Oh, win-win. ..torture,
and also, I had my sights -
like, I wasn't fucking
the line cooks,
I was sucking off the manager.
Straight to the top, innit?
Thank you!
ONE PERSON CLAPS
Someone is the manager of a
restaurant. Thank you, sir.
You've got aspirations,
I can't be mad at that.
Do know what...?
You sound like her boyfriend!
You got aspirations, man.
"You're home early,
you've got aspirations,
"do what you've got to do."
I feel really
bad for your husband now.
Every time, "Oh, you're home early."
This was before #MeToo.
Now I see there's a bit of a power
imbalance there,
but we didn't think it at the time,
because it was such a matriarchy,
we had so many women, like,
collaborating and working together,
that a few of us
were fucking him...!
This geezer was filling his boots,
wasn't he?
"You go home early, sweet."
He was there on his own
for eight hours.
"All the staff are gone,
I don't know why."
Poor fella.
I bet it was worn down to a nub.
Absolute costume of a geezer,
wandering around...
"Ugh, back to work again."
Have you ever dated
a colleague at work, Maisie?
As Jamali said, like, as a comic,
you are basically asking me,
"What's your type,
a narcissist in tears?"
It's horrible. Like, no.
But also, with being a comic,
I just get home and compare myself.
My boyfriend now, he runs a
cocktail bar, but I'll be honest,
if he comes back with best
bartender of the year,
I'll still be like,
"Well, it should have been me."
What if he comes home early?
Then I will drop kick Katherine
in the face.
What about you?
Did you ever have a regular job
before sort of TV madness took over?
What did you used to
do for a living?
So, I worked as a fire
protection officer.
Give over. I swear to God.
So, I was working at White...the BBC
White City, I was working there.
Basically, I would go into a room,
and I would have to try and think,
right, if there was a fire in this
room, I would have to contain it.
So, the BBC's fucking...
That's just... It's gonna go up
like a fucking tinderbox.
I did. Honestly, I cut so many
corners there, it's unreal.
Did you go out as people you
work with? Yeah.
Like... Yeah, but no-one...
Not another fire protection officer.
No.
OK, have you ever dated a colleague?
Yeah, acting -wise, I've dated...
I dated a young lady called
Kara Tointon,
who played my sister in EastEnders.
Wow.
I met Stacey
when I was in the jungle,
so spent a bit of time out
there are...
What about with doing panto? Anyone?
Anyone in panto? You're such a dick.
Nah. When you were doing panto,
though, was there anyone?
No, I can't. I can't do that.
When you were doing panto,
though, was there...?
You're an idiot. Sorry!
You're such a dick.
Look... I can't...! Let's just say,
Grumpy wasn't grumpy any more.
Would you date a colleague? Rob,
have you ever dated a colleague?
Fuckin' has he?!
Who would date him?!
You're having a laugh, ain't ya?
So, let me get some answers on this.
So...
What are you going to say, Rob?
Um... I think people would date
a colleague, I would say.
So, you are saying false. Yeah.
Yeah, it's false.
All right, what do you think?
I want to go home early. True.
LAUGHTER
Er...
OK, well, I can tell you,
the answer is false.
73% of people
would date a colleague.
There's nothing sexier than secretly
dating someone at work,
exchanging illicit glances
and calling each other
by your secret pet names
whilst your colleagues
don't suspect a thing.
Isn't that right, Big Nob Rob?
And, at the end of that round,
Rob's team are in the lead.
APPLAUSE
That's it for part three,
see you after the break.
CHEERING
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
and The Winner Is
is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
I'd say the worst thing
about people who have pets,
and I hate it, people who put
an Instagram as their pet.
Like they set up
a profile as their dog,
and they speak in the first person,
and they say things like,
"Walkies with my mummy today,"
or "Cuddling with my human, woof."
Yeah, yeah.
I just think if you're going to
set up an Instagram for your dog,
you should have to commit fully
and get every app for the dog.
Like I want to see
your guinea pig on Grindr.
I want to see... I want to know
your goldfish's Uber rating.
I want everything.
Is when they start giving
the dog a personality
and views you know it doesn't have.
Like I've seen one where
it's like a dog looking at the TV
and it goes, "I'm voting Corbyn,"
it's like, no, you're fucking not!
You're a dog.
You ain't voting for nothing.
At least someone voted for him.
The worst thing about owning a pet
is if they run away, you know
you're a real bad fucker.
What was happening with you
and your dog that he ran away?
He wasn't enjoying the sex?
It turns out he doesn't
even like peanut butter. He's gone!
I had some hamsters, and I've got
a mate called Nick the Greek...
Where's he from?
Yeah, he's from Greece.
I went away for work,
and I gave him the key to look after
the hamsters, to feed them.
And he didn't. And they escaped.
I found one of them in the sink.
It literally ate half a bar of soap,
because it couldn't
out of the sink to survive.
Honestly, it was terrible. The
dentist would be delighted with him.
The worst is
when the dogs what you have sex.
That's the worst, isn't it?
Some of them can't turn their neck
round that far, but...
When they do,
it's really off-putting.
He didn't fuck a dog! They...
They made love.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think, Katherine?
I mean, I don't think it's
owning A pet that is a problem.
It's owning 17 pets, as I do. You've
got 17 pets? What have you got?
What animals do you have?
What are your 17 pets?
I have a horse and a cat.
And then I have hamsters
and four dogs and, yeah, like,
some more dogs coming over Friday.
I can't stop!
Then you go to the vet
and then the vet sees a mark,
and she starts to say, "Oh, your pet
needs this, your pet needs that."
I'm like, "My daughter didn't even
know a hamster could have chemo!
"Shut up!"
Joe, what do you think? They die,
don't they? Yeah, the right answer.
Yes, the worst thing about owning
a pet is when they die.
Especially if it's a guide dog,
you'll never make it home.
Oh, Jimmy, you can't do that!
Oh, Jimmy!
I'll never forget where I was
when I found out my dog was dead.
In my car, reversing out the drive.
OK, next question.
Most useful thing Brits have
learned from their parents.
Is it that locks on the door
are very important?
It was Christmas 1992. I'm still
not ready to talk about it.
The things I saw in that room,
Jimmy.
You can't un-see them,
but you know they weren't wrestling.
Is it like the birds
and bees conversation?
Because like British people
are quite prudish, aren't they?
My parents were
very efficient with that.
They scared me
about contraception and stuff.
Even now, I'm on the pill,
I've got three condoms on,
I got a coil up my arse.
What's the best thing
your parents taught you?
So my mum always taught me to
do my washing, cleaning and ironing,
otherwise I'd go out
dirty, creased and hungry.
From an early age
I learned to look after myself.
Honestly, Stacey can go away for
weeks. I can keep the kids alive.
I can keep the kids alive?
Stacey comes home and one of the
kids is in the sink eating soap.
We went to Wonderland.
Literally we got to
the top of the road
and realised we forgot the baby.
There were other people
in the house, though, weren't there?
There were two strangers
in the house doing some building.
I can confirm that.
I saw that on Stacey's Instagram.
Did you see it? You did forget
the baby. Forgot the baby.
Katherine, did you learn
anything from your parents?
When I was growing up,
my mom told me,
I was bullied, and she said
that the bullies were just jealous.
I was like, "Girl, I know!"
I really believed that
because I was bullied,
it meant I was famous
and everyone was obsessed with me.
I really thought that.
They would like throw paper
at my head in class, I'd be like,
"Who should I make this out to
and thank them for their support?"
The only other place I'd seen women
victimised for their looks
was in magazines,
and when it happened to me,
I thought I had arrived.
Like I really loved being bullied.
I was like, "haters gonna hate".
I loved it.
You are going to do great
on this show! I know!
Maisie, what do you think?
My dad's like a proper Yorkshireman,
so he speaks like
once every three days.
And when he does,
what he says is so basic,
you wonder if it's actually
quite profound.
What sort of thing?
Well, he'll just
sort of shuffle into the lounge
and go, "It's going to rain at two."
So, most useful thing
people learnt from their parents.
Jamali, what did you learn
from your parents?
My dad always gave me weird advice.
My dad was like a real East End
dude from Leighton,
and when I was 14 years old,
he sat me down, and he goes,
"If you ever take ecstasy,
take half."
And that was his advice.
That was his whole advice.
What a dad!
What solid advice there, kids.
Take half, see how you feel.
It might be a dud,
you might have to take another.
I don't want to criticise,
but better advice would be
a full MMR jab.
OK, so, most useful thing people
learn from their parents?
What else do you think it will be?
Self-defence. Self-defence? Yeah.
Your parents were coming at you?
You had to roll into a ball
like a hedgehog?
No, but I was one of four girls,
and so we went at each other.
Stop it, Jimmy!
So when I was in school,
if there was ever any trouble,
my dad would say, "If someone kicks
you in the shins, kick them back.
"If someone hits you in the face,
hit them back. Just mirror them.
"Never be the first
to throw the slap,
but always stand up for yourself
and never get caught."
Yeah. My dad used to say, "Don't
start it, but fucking finish it!"
And never talk to the police.
OK. So, Joe,
you were pretty much there.
It's what your mum taught you.
Cooking. Cooking is exactly right.
Cooking? Really?
Yes, the most useful thing
most Brits learn from their parents
is how to cook. Also on the list
is how to shave.
Thanks, Mum, never been smoother.
BUZZER
Well, that means it's the end of
the round, and the end of the show.
And I can tell you that Rob, Maisie
and Joe are tonight's winners!
CHEERING
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you watching
at home. That's it. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media.
language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
Bish Bash Swash - it's Joe Swash.
We're crazy for Maisie -
it's Maisie Adam.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight,
she's the one to watch -
it's Angela Scanlon.
Stand-up guy - it's Jamali Maddix.
And Katherine Ryan,
their team captain.
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats,
the show about opinion polls,
surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example,
two thirds of human communication is
by gesture, not speech.
Sounds about right.
People are always waving at me.
All right, Jimmy?
More than half of Brits
enjoy meat substitutes
or, as they are more commonly
known, dildos.
And 63% of British women say size
does matter, so if you're
a man with a small penis,
little tip -
and little shaft, I'd imagine.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About?
That's the name of our first round.
This week, our panellists'
job is to guess the British public's
top three fears. Rob's team, what do
you think the nation are afraid of?
Snakes, spiders, all that sort
of thing. You don't like snakes?
No, hate snakes.
I can't watch I'm A Celeb cos
I just get too scared for them.
It's horrible. Have you seen that
video of Steve Irwin when he's like,
"It won't bite me,
it won't bite me"?
Very calm.
And then out of nowhere, "Sfft!"
Yeah, but what ever happened to him?
I don't mind snakes. The creepy
crawlies, I really get. Yeah.
Spiders.
JIMMY SHUDDERS
People always go like,
"Oh, they're more scared of you
than you are of them."
I'm like, "Well, get out of my
house, then."
Would you get the spider, then,
if it was in your house?
If there was a spider in the bath,
could you go and get it?
Yeah, depending on size.
Anything above five foot,
I'll leave it in there.
I'm not afraid of insects
because I live in the UK.
I don't understand this
fear of spiders
when your spiders have the lowest
street cred worldwide of any spider.
Other spiders are like,
"Oh, I can paralyse them,
"I can poison them, I can kill
them." What do your spiders do?
Piss you off?
It's like when you guys complain
about snow, the world is laughing.
Jamali, what about creepy crawlies
generally? No, I'm cool with that.
I've got bigger issues
than, like, a spider.
Like, haters and snitches
and stuff like that on the agenda.
Haters, snitches, spiders.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if there was a spider that's
snitched on you? Oh, yeah.
Then you've got to stamp it out.
Rule number one. That's just
the code, in't it? Yeah.
I like how I can get away with
saying things, like,
"That's just the code,"
and white people just go,
"Oh, yes, fair enough."
We have centipedes in Canada
and I was alone in my flat
in a very rough part of Toronto
and that's back when I was very
young, very small, very Britney,
hair-coloured skin, skin-coloured
hair and it was two in the morning
and there was a centipede
on the wall
and I knew I couldn't sleep
with it there,
so I just went outside in little
pink hot pants and I asked
some gang members if they would
come inside and kill the centipede.
And they were lovely.
Really nice guys.
And they killed the centipede
and then they left
and then they, like,
looked at for me
and I was always, like, bringing
them snacks and things.
Sorry, are you talking about
something I've seen on Pornhub?
Are you scared of
creepy crawlies cos I mean,
you went in the jungle, didn't you?
I'm not scared of creepy crawlies.
Last year, funnily enough... Oh,
it's not funny. Don't say it, then.
I was doing something
and a cockroach ran into my earhole
and it stayed in there for three
days. It died in there.
I went to hospital. Was
this in the jungle? In the jungle.
We did a trial. It ran down the ear.
How big are your ears?
Honestly,
they must just open up like a cave.
The thing is,
what you've got in there is a brain.
Whereas his goes straight through.
Anyway, the bug went in
and the hospital couldn't get it out
the year for three days and
literally my party trick
for a little while, I'd do this,
and it smelt like death. No!
Oh, what a party trick!
Got to have some of that.
I lived in Australia for a year
and we had...
There was quite a big group of us
in Sydney
and there were cockroaches
everywhere in our house
and so instead of cleaning
the dishes which maybe was
an attraction for them,
we would just collect all the cups
and just put them
over the cockroach
so that they could stay there
underneath the cup
and then we would just going
about our business, dodging these
multiple dozens of cups with dead
cockroaches underneath them.
Sounds like the bottom deck of the
Titanic. It felt a bit like that.
Yes. But they weren't smelly.
So I don't know what happened
in your ear.
Mine was dead. For three days.
What was the cause of death?
I think boredom in there, probably.
What? You know I love you.
OK, let's have a look and see if
creepy crawlies are up there.
Yes. It's a creepy crawlies.
On I'm A Celebrity 2018,
Joe Swash was taken to hospital
when a cockroach lodged
itself in his ear.
"It was one of the worst experiences
of my life," said the cockroach.
So not scared of creepy crawlies -
what about a rat?
I heard rats are pretty smart.
I don't love rodents.
I don't want anything in my house
that's uninvited.
Take a look at this guy dealing with
a rat in the bathroom
but really watch out for the cat.
No, no. Tremendous!
"Yeah, I'll bring the cat in there
"cos the cat will probably get the
rat," and the cat's going, "No."
Katherine, what else are the nation
afraid of? Is it death? What?
Keep it light. I think death is
a beautiful thing.
You know, it can be a real
relief for an Eastern European model
wanting to cash in on ten years
of sucking cock.
Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Look at poor Melania Trump. Yeah.
She's, like, absolutely
overachieved as a gold-digger
and weirdly underachieved.
Yeah, if you look at Anna Nicole
Smith on the day of her wedding
to her 89-year-old husband
and then a year later
on the day of his funeral,
she's a lot happier that day.
That's why I always try to teach
young girls who want to gold-dig
to go very old.
Like, if he's still eating solid
food, he's too young. Yes.
Are you scared of death, Jamali?
I nearly died not that long ago
when I was in Bangkok
and I got measles
and my lungs haemorrhaged. What?
So I was coughing up blood.
My mum never got me vaccinated.
You were not vaccinated? Yeah, this
is what happens cos they were saying
to me, "Have you been vaccinated?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
I rang my mum and I said, "Mum, did
you vaccinate me when I was a kid?"
And she goes, "Nah!"
So I'm like, you know, "Uh-oh."
There were four of us
and only two of us were vaccinated.
My mum ain't a nice woman, man.
Well,
two of your siblings would disagree.
Scared of death, Maisie?
Yeah, terrified. Are you?
Yeah, absolutely terrified,
yeah. Really?
Like, I'll start freaking out
if I start talking about it.
Like, once we go, that's it.
You'll be gone. You. Everyone.
Just those two. Just them two.
If you're on a plane and there's
really bad turbulence...
Yeah, oh, I'm a wreck. See, I go the
other way.
I go, "All right, then, let's go."
Yeah, I'm like that.
I'm all right on planes cos I kind
of think it's out of your hands.
Someone else is in charge of
that. Hope so.
"Beckett, you're up for an hour."
"Fucking hell."
I'm not afraid of death at all.
What?
Why aren't you scared of death?
Because I think the wake situation
is quite exciting.
When I was six, I stayed in a bed
with my dead granny. What? Yeah.
So it was a wake. It was awake,
well, she's not dead, then.
It's called a wake
and so after the person dies,
before they go to the church and
get buried, you have a wake.
Yeah, we know what a wake is.
OK, well, then,
why is this such a surprise to you?
Because you said you slept with her.
Sometimes we don't sleep with the
corpses, that's the only difference.
Have you planned your funeral, Joe?
Me? No, of course I haven't.
I think you should. You're doing
Dancing On Ice. Yes.
I'm with Rob, I don't really care
when it happens, to be fair.
It'll happen when it happens,
do you know what I mean?
It feels like you're talking
me into some kind of joint suicide.
All right, shall we?
Fuck it, why not?
I mean, I can't spend too much
time thinking about it.
Let nature take its course.
Or don't let nature take its course.
That's why I've got a head start on
the embalming.
I'm the only one in my family
with any money,
I've got to pay for the funeral
and I'm doing it in instalments.
My face is ready to be buried.
Do you know, sometimes when there's
a funeral and people go,
"You know what? I don't want it to
be sad,
"I want it to be a celebration."
They say that and when you
look at one that is a celebration,
sometimes not great.
This is why there's no
dancing at funerals.
MUSIC PLAYS
It's the way they all walk away,
like, "Not my problem."
The walking away is remarkable
because one guy stays there
and goes, "What have we done?"
And the others just walk
away like, "Not my fault."
They got far too cocky
cos there was the little bounce
and then they started doing
this whole trying to get it round
their shoulders,
like they were going to start doing
keepy-ups with it.
Also, super simple lesson -
nail it shut. Yeah.
I mean, that's not half as bad
if you've nailed that shut.
Nailed it shut.
It's such a horrible term.
Imagine if you worked as a funeral
director,
"Right, do you want to nail it
shut?
"Nail it shut. That's 80 quid."
If you do nail it shut, you can
guarantee that Angela won't
climb in and try and hug it.
It's worth it, it's worth it.
Well, let's have a look and see
if death is up there.
Yes, it's death.
My nan actually died of a heart
attack and I'll never forget it
because it was the same day
I bought her an air horn.
Now, it's not in the top three
but one of the things
Brits are most afraid of is rats,
so it's time for a bonus round.
Is There A Rat Under My Hat?
I literally just said that.
Rob, Maisie, Joe, go and get your
Is There A Rat Under My Hat hats on.
Katherine, come with me. Let's play
Is There A Rat Under My Hat?
Is There A Rat Under My Hat?
Erm... Right.
Well, just on facial expressions,
I think you can
tell who's got a rat under her hat.
I don't want to say that this
is going to be slightly
underwhelming as a game.
It could be a double bluff.
Oh, it could be a double bluff,
but it definitely isn't.
Look at her.
Katherine, who's got a rat
under their hat?
I don't know. I think
I need a lot of time to tell.
Joe, I think what Katherine is
trying to say is, could you tell us
a little bit about your childhood?
Where did you go to primary school?
Yes, so I went to a place called
Thornhill and then
I went to Highburgh Grove and then
I went into the acting and yeah...
Rob, what's your favourite film?
Demolition Man. Demolition Man.
Interesting choice.
Katherine, any further questions
before we conclude?
It's interesting because...
Step on it, step on it.
I just wanted to tell you guys that
Angela was telling me
a second ago that
if a rat defecates on your head
and any of it seeps into your eye,
you'll go blind.
Maisie, Maisie, do you like dogs?
Cos we might be getting you one.
I love dogs. Hurry up.
No, seriously, hurry up.
Right, so who do you think has
a rat under their hat?
I mean, either she's
the actress of a generation... Yeah.
I don't know if Maisie has
a rat under her hat.
Because I thinkthis might be
a double bluff situation, like,
I don't know, Maisie,
are you a good actress?
No.
And then Joe Swash,
he's had cockroaches in his ears,
God knows what else.
He's cool as a cucumber,
in fact he's been in the jungle
and so has Rob. We didn't do
none of that in the jungle.
We just tried to do some jokes.
Yeah, I had a skill.
Not now. I'm going to need an answer
now. I really can't tell.
What do you mean, you can't tell?
There has never been a more obvious
question in the history
of television.
This is like a quiz on This Morning.
I think it's double bluff too.
I think it's double bluff.
You see, we don't trust people.
Who do you think has got a rat under
their hat? Quick.
You've got to think. I think the rat
is in Joe's hat.
It might be in my hat.
Because he's never been more... Agh!
Look at that. Wow!
The greatest ever!
I got you. Maisie Adam there!
Unbelievable.
OK, so points to Katherine's team.
That's it for this part.
We're going to hose Joe Swash down.
See you after the break.
You can go. You're done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
where we'll still trying to guess
what British people are most afraid
of. OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER
Rob's team.
Ghosts? I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
Felt compelled to say that.
Do you believe in that? No, I don't.
You do, though, don't you?
There's bits of I believe
and bits that I don't believe.
Do you believe in ghosts? That bit.
If there was ghosts
then it'd be overpopulated.
There'll be ghosts everywhere.
You know a stopped clock
is right twice a day.
Such a good point.
"If there ghosts there'd be ghosts
fucking everywhere.
"All over the shop."
But no-one proper, like,
clever or successful sees ghosts.
It's never, like, Bill Gates goes,
"I saw a ghost the other day."
It's always, like, Coleen Nolan
on Loose Women going,
"I was visited by a spirit."
Do you believe in this? Yes,
I really believe that there spirits
and shit happens
that is unexplainable.
Tell me something that's
unexplainable
and I'll explain it. Go ahead.
OK, so last night I was in bed...
Right. ..and I had a dream I thought
I was gonna be murdered by this man
who looked like a Ken doll.
He was my Uber driver in the dream.
He kept muttering things to me
and he kept telling me about a
discussion I just had on the phone.
So I knew that he was in my head,
so I woke myself up
and my body was freezing cold.
And then I went back to sleep
and then I felt a cold
breath on my face.
Have you been paying your bills?
Pardon?
Have you been paying your bills?
I think the unexplainable,
Joe Swash...
Might have left the window open.
Yeah.
OK.
Jamali, do you believe in ghosts?
No, I don't believe in none of that.
All my family are into all
this wacky shit.
My grandma believes in it.
She does all that Luigi board stuff.
Luigi board?!
APPLAUSE
All that... Luigi board. It's like
Mario Brothers and a Ouija board.
Is it Ouija board?
All sat on a table,
green hat on, overalls. Fag.
Mushroom.
The signs of a haunted house,
though, are the smell of decay
and rooting food, dodgy electrics.
Like, stuff going missing.
And then apparently people wake up
between 3.00 and 4.00am
with an overwhelming sense of dread.
That's not a haunted house,
that's a student house.
Ghosts are very
particular about consent.
So, unlike men who are alive, they
only reveal themselves to people
who want to see them. Yeah.
And even in my house I go round
sometimes at night and I know
I closed all the cupboards
but all the cupboards are open.
Like, I hear strange noises at night
and then sometimes
I can feel a heavy weight in the
night trying to have sex with me.
And then that's
when I realise I just got married.
Tell you what, right? I done a ghost
documentary years ago
and I stayed at this fella's house.
He's an old geezer called Fred.
He lived in this place called
the Ram's Inn.
I had to stay there one night
and he reckons that there's
a certain ghost called an incupus.
Incubus. Incubus. Incubus.
It's a ghost that tries to
have sex with ya.
And then there's a succupus.
Succupus, yeah.
I think that's self-explanatory,
that one.
But, yeah, no-one tried to do
nothing to me so I was pretty...
Insulted! They weren't
interested in me at all.
Creep in and suck off Fred...
Great prank, Rob, great prank.
"We had a right laugh. I just sucked
Fred off, he thought it was a ghost.
"Quality!"
"Lads, lads!"
"Lads!
"The geezer..."
Who's...now, Fred?!
Rob and Joe Ghost Hunters.
Just going round the country sucking
people off in haunted houses.
I can tell you ghosts are not
up there or indeed up there.
The thing is, my house is built
on a burial site.
I mean, it wasn't
when I moved in but now...
OK, one more to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
What are people scared about?
BUZZER
Is it losing your phone?
There's quite a lot of anxiety
around this now.
People really feel like it's an
extension of self. Do you worry
about losing your phone, Joe?
I lose my phone quite a lot.
But for some reason my phones always
work their way back to me.
I'm generally pretty lucky. Lucky?
Yeah, you got a TV career,
look at ya. Come on.
You git!
I can't help myself.
If anyone wants his phone number,
he gives them his mum's landline.
Aw. Who rung your mum?
Fatima Whitbread.
She had Brendan from Coach Trip
phoning... This is like pantomime...
Katherine,
are you addicted to your phone?
No. I mean, I like my phone.
I use my phone. I've never lost it.
I turn on everyone
I know Find My Friends.
I know their whereabouts.
I've put a GPS on my daughter.
Didn't even tell her.
Quick injection in the back
of the neck when they're asleep.
People aren't properly addicted.
It's not the same as proper
addiction.
If you was addicted
to your phone you'd be,
like, sat on a piss-stained
mattress at Kings Cross
sucking someone off for
a two-minute scroll of Instagram.
The Ghost Hunters are back
with a phone.
I wanna refresh Twitter.
Just three clips on YouTube.
The blowjobs are getting worse.
I can't wait till you two go broke
and have to make a sex tape.
The saddest thing ever.
If I ever did do a blowjob it'd be
more for me than them. Yeah.
What could I get away
with during this blowjob
until they just give up on it?
Until they go, "Please stop." Yeah.
That'll be my tactic in prison.
"All right, then."
Scare the fuck out them. Or I'll go,
"Yeah, do you want one?"
"No worries, mate."
Angela, have you ever lost
your phone? Yeah.
And what were the repercussions?
No repercussions.
I just got Find My Phone
and I found it.
As in the thing...
It's a great story.
You might want to save that
for when you're on Graham Norton...
That's a wonderful anecdote.
Jamali, are you worried about
losing your phone? Yeah.
I realised how weak I was.
I was in LA and I was downtown
and I lost my phone in the Uber
and I tried to chase the Uber
but I'm not as fast as a car.
I had no money, I had nothing.
I dunno where I am, I was lost.
And in about five minutes I was
like, "Oh, I just live here now."
Like, "This is where I exist now.
I'm stuck."
And I saw the homeless people
and I was like,
"I don't think they're homeless,
"I think they're people that
lost their phones in Ubers."
Stuck there now forever. But I had
that real anxiety. I was like,
"I'm fucked, I can't do anything
cos it's got my money on it,
"my travel, everything."
Your porn's on it.
Do you store porn? Me? Yeah. No, but
I've been caught a few times lately.
I don't ever delete my history
so Stacey would look at something
on my phone on the internet
and it would be like "amateur milf".
Ain't that just
the Loose Women panel?
He can't say that.
I can't say that but, yeah, yeah.
Loose Women is separate
search all its own.
I'm a really lazy wanker,
as in, like...
Do I even have to be here?
Like, instead of doing a bit
of prep, you know, check the door,
get everything ready,
I'll just go straight into it.
And then thinking,
"Oh, fuck, someone's coming."
"Oh, my God, this is actually
quite a busy bus route!"
I can tell you losing your phone
is not one of our top fears
but when it comes to new technology,
I have to admit I'm a little
bit behind the curve.
I only found out my pager
had stopped working
when I read about it on Ceefax.
OK, so what else are people
frightened of? Fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER
End of the world. Yeah. Do you worry
about that, Joe? No. I mean...
I worry more about missing
out on things.
So if we're all gonna die
I'm not gonna miss out on much
so let's all do it together.
No fomo. No fomo, mate.
What about a zombie attack?
I think I'd be all right, I'm quite
quick, I'd stay on me toes.
I think I'd just become one.
Do you reckon? I'd just give in.
Yeah, let's do that.
That didn't take
a lot of convincing, did it?
That would be a really short
series of The Walking Dead.
"What we gonna do? Shall we just
be a zombie?" "Yeah, fuck it."
"Come here, boys!"
I can't believe, Rob, you've finally
got a catchphrase.
It makes sense as a zombie blowjob.
Yes.
This is where you guys
were going with it all along.
That can't be my catchphrase. I
can't sit down at parents' evening.
"Oh, you're the..."
"You're a star."
Scared of end of the world?
A little bit.
Like, they say that if a nuclear
disaster happened it would cause
95% fatalities within a 4km radius.
But I've down Couch to 5K
so I'd be all right.
If they said there's an asteroid
heading towards Earth,
you've got a month to live...
What would you do?
No recycling for a start. Yeah.
I'd just launch it in my garden.
So you wouldn't change anything?
Yeah, just live my life as normal.
What about you guys?
Scared of the end of the world?
It depends how it is.
If it turns to Mad Max world, all
the economy's dead, I wanna go out
first wave. I don't wanna be eating
some dead dude's arm,
wearing, like,
long jackets and shit.
You're worried about the fashion
choices.
Goggles and stuff
and you gotta ride a quad bike.
I don't wanna do all that shit.
If it looks like the end
of the world we are going to need
alternative food sources.
So I've got some snacks here which
are alternative protein sources.
I've got nachos for you.
Do you wanna grab those?
Love nachos.
And they're with crickets.
Apparently they're, well,
not delicious but edible.
Oh, Jesus. Joe, you've been here,
done that, right?
Yeah, I don't need to do it again.
You've all seen me do it.
Oh, God!
I hate jalapenos!
Shall I feed Beckett?
Yeah, feed Beckett.
That's too many!
That's too... Oh. Open your mouth.
Oh!
Were you trying to catch them there?
You really lunged for it. Oh! Oh!
Are you gonna try one,
Angela? Yeah. OK.
This is your audition for the
jungle. Is it OK?
I like it. It's all right.
You like it? I think the worst thing
is the tomatoes and the guac.
This is cricket bruschetta.
Oh, hang on, Maisie's gone.
They're not eating...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maisie's gone.
Swallow it, Maisie!
Oh... Don't think about...
Don't think about what it is.
SHE RETCHES
Maisie, I think it's all right.
We ate loads of them.
Loads. Loads of them.
It's so... It's the... The legs.
SHE COUGHS
Oh, no, no, no!
You can't really feel the legs.
And there's no difference between
a cricket and a lobster
or a shrimp. Yes, there is.
One lives in the sea,
one's in the field.
I tell you what, I know
David Attenborough's getting on
a bit and he's gonna go someday
but don't worry, we got Joe Swash.
Let's have a look and see
if it's up there.
Yes, it's the end of the world.
The world is facing
a catastrophic pandemic.
There've been over 2,000 cases
of bubonic plague
reported in Madagascar. But
the good news is, eh, Madagascar.
So those were the top three things
Brits are afraid of
but let's not forget fear of clowns.
Big silly grin,
bulging eyes and orange hair,
Rob, are you scared of clowns?
Big rubber face, silly clothes
and a fake nose, Katherine,
are you scared of clowns?
At the end of that round Rob,
Maisie and Joe have 2 points,
Katherine, Angela
and Jamali have 2 points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is
the Pick Of The Polls.
Katherine, Angela, Jamali,
what do you like the look of?
I think we will go for the happy man
and woman looking at a laptop.
OK, well, you have picked the
working colleagues flirting.
Uh-oh. Here's your related question.
I think that's false. Yeah.
You think most people would date
a colleague. Yeah. I think...
Have you dated a colleague?
Um... Bit of One Show gossip.
No. You haven't? No.
Angela's a model,
and who wants to date a male model?
Just have a wank and call it a day.
Would you ever date a colleague,
Jamali?
I wouldn't, like,
date another comedian... No.
..because we're all psychos.
Katherine,
have you ever dated anyone at work?
Of course, people
are dating colleagues.
How else are you going to date?
Yeah.
A colleague, to me, is just a man
with a job, and that's good enough.
Depends where you work,
though, innit?
Broadmoor, no.
Spearmint Rhino, yes.
Katherine, you used to work in a
bar. Was there any romance there?
No, but I fucked the manager,
because I wanted to leave early.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How did you get off the normal work
shift for fucking a manager?
I just got to leave
whenever I wanted -
but I felt like I was playing him.
I actually had a crush on him,
as well, so it wasn't like...
Oh, win-win. ..torture,
and also, I had my sights -
like, I wasn't fucking
the line cooks,
I was sucking off the manager.
Straight to the top, innit?
Thank you!
ONE PERSON CLAPS
Someone is the manager of a
restaurant. Thank you, sir.
You've got aspirations,
I can't be mad at that.
Do know what...?
You sound like her boyfriend!
You got aspirations, man.
"You're home early,
you've got aspirations,
"do what you've got to do."
I feel really
bad for your husband now.
Every time, "Oh, you're home early."
This was before #MeToo.
Now I see there's a bit of a power
imbalance there,
but we didn't think it at the time,
because it was such a matriarchy,
we had so many women, like,
collaborating and working together,
that a few of us
were fucking him...!
This geezer was filling his boots,
wasn't he?
"You go home early, sweet."
He was there on his own
for eight hours.
"All the staff are gone,
I don't know why."
Poor fella.
I bet it was worn down to a nub.
Absolute costume of a geezer,
wandering around...
"Ugh, back to work again."
Have you ever dated
a colleague at work, Maisie?
As Jamali said, like, as a comic,
you are basically asking me,
"What's your type,
a narcissist in tears?"
It's horrible. Like, no.
But also, with being a comic,
I just get home and compare myself.
My boyfriend now, he runs a
cocktail bar, but I'll be honest,
if he comes back with best
bartender of the year,
I'll still be like,
"Well, it should have been me."
What if he comes home early?
Then I will drop kick Katherine
in the face.
What about you?
Did you ever have a regular job
before sort of TV madness took over?
What did you used to
do for a living?
So, I worked as a fire
protection officer.
Give over. I swear to God.
So, I was working at White...the BBC
White City, I was working there.
Basically, I would go into a room,
and I would have to try and think,
right, if there was a fire in this
room, I would have to contain it.
So, the BBC's fucking...
That's just... It's gonna go up
like a fucking tinderbox.
I did. Honestly, I cut so many
corners there, it's unreal.
Did you go out as people you
work with? Yeah.
Like... Yeah, but no-one...
Not another fire protection officer.
No.
OK, have you ever dated a colleague?
Yeah, acting -wise, I've dated...
I dated a young lady called
Kara Tointon,
who played my sister in EastEnders.
Wow.
I met Stacey
when I was in the jungle,
so spent a bit of time out
there are...
What about with doing panto? Anyone?
Anyone in panto? You're such a dick.
Nah. When you were doing panto,
though, was there anyone?
No, I can't. I can't do that.
When you were doing panto,
though, was there...?
You're an idiot. Sorry!
You're such a dick.
Look... I can't...! Let's just say,
Grumpy wasn't grumpy any more.
Would you date a colleague? Rob,
have you ever dated a colleague?
Fuckin' has he?!
Who would date him?!
You're having a laugh, ain't ya?
So, let me get some answers on this.
So...
What are you going to say, Rob?
Um... I think people would date
a colleague, I would say.
So, you are saying false. Yeah.
Yeah, it's false.
All right, what do you think?
I want to go home early. True.
LAUGHTER
Er...
OK, well, I can tell you,
the answer is false.
73% of people
would date a colleague.
There's nothing sexier than secretly
dating someone at work,
exchanging illicit glances
and calling each other
by your secret pet names
whilst your colleagues
don't suspect a thing.
Isn't that right, Big Nob Rob?
And, at the end of that round,
Rob's team are in the lead.
APPLAUSE
That's it for part three,
see you after the break.
CHEERING
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
and The Winner Is
is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
I'd say the worst thing
about people who have pets,
and I hate it, people who put
an Instagram as their pet.
Like they set up
a profile as their dog,
and they speak in the first person,
and they say things like,
"Walkies with my mummy today,"
or "Cuddling with my human, woof."
Yeah, yeah.
I just think if you're going to
set up an Instagram for your dog,
you should have to commit fully
and get every app for the dog.
Like I want to see
your guinea pig on Grindr.
I want to see... I want to know
your goldfish's Uber rating.
I want everything.
Is when they start giving
the dog a personality
and views you know it doesn't have.
Like I've seen one where
it's like a dog looking at the TV
and it goes, "I'm voting Corbyn,"
it's like, no, you're fucking not!
You're a dog.
You ain't voting for nothing.
At least someone voted for him.
The worst thing about owning a pet
is if they run away, you know
you're a real bad fucker.
What was happening with you
and your dog that he ran away?
He wasn't enjoying the sex?
It turns out he doesn't
even like peanut butter. He's gone!
I had some hamsters, and I've got
a mate called Nick the Greek...
Where's he from?
Yeah, he's from Greece.
I went away for work,
and I gave him the key to look after
the hamsters, to feed them.
And he didn't. And they escaped.
I found one of them in the sink.
It literally ate half a bar of soap,
because it couldn't
out of the sink to survive.
Honestly, it was terrible. The
dentist would be delighted with him.
The worst is
when the dogs what you have sex.
That's the worst, isn't it?
Some of them can't turn their neck
round that far, but...
When they do,
it's really off-putting.
He didn't fuck a dog! They...
They made love.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think, Katherine?
I mean, I don't think it's
owning A pet that is a problem.
It's owning 17 pets, as I do. You've
got 17 pets? What have you got?
What animals do you have?
What are your 17 pets?
I have a horse and a cat.
And then I have hamsters
and four dogs and, yeah, like,
some more dogs coming over Friday.
I can't stop!
Then you go to the vet
and then the vet sees a mark,
and she starts to say, "Oh, your pet
needs this, your pet needs that."
I'm like, "My daughter didn't even
know a hamster could have chemo!
"Shut up!"
Joe, what do you think? They die,
don't they? Yeah, the right answer.
Yes, the worst thing about owning
a pet is when they die.
Especially if it's a guide dog,
you'll never make it home.
Oh, Jimmy, you can't do that!
Oh, Jimmy!
I'll never forget where I was
when I found out my dog was dead.
In my car, reversing out the drive.
OK, next question.
Most useful thing Brits have
learned from their parents.
Is it that locks on the door
are very important?
It was Christmas 1992. I'm still
not ready to talk about it.
The things I saw in that room,
Jimmy.
You can't un-see them,
but you know they weren't wrestling.
Is it like the birds
and bees conversation?
Because like British people
are quite prudish, aren't they?
My parents were
very efficient with that.
They scared me
about contraception and stuff.
Even now, I'm on the pill,
I've got three condoms on,
I got a coil up my arse.
What's the best thing
your parents taught you?
So my mum always taught me to
do my washing, cleaning and ironing,
otherwise I'd go out
dirty, creased and hungry.
From an early age
I learned to look after myself.
Honestly, Stacey can go away for
weeks. I can keep the kids alive.
I can keep the kids alive?
Stacey comes home and one of the
kids is in the sink eating soap.
We went to Wonderland.
Literally we got to
the top of the road
and realised we forgot the baby.
There were other people
in the house, though, weren't there?
There were two strangers
in the house doing some building.
I can confirm that.
I saw that on Stacey's Instagram.
Did you see it? You did forget
the baby. Forgot the baby.
Katherine, did you learn
anything from your parents?
When I was growing up,
my mom told me,
I was bullied, and she said
that the bullies were just jealous.
I was like, "Girl, I know!"
I really believed that
because I was bullied,
it meant I was famous
and everyone was obsessed with me.
I really thought that.
They would like throw paper
at my head in class, I'd be like,
"Who should I make this out to
and thank them for their support?"
The only other place I'd seen women
victimised for their looks
was in magazines,
and when it happened to me,
I thought I had arrived.
Like I really loved being bullied.
I was like, "haters gonna hate".
I loved it.
You are going to do great
on this show! I know!
Maisie, what do you think?
My dad's like a proper Yorkshireman,
so he speaks like
once every three days.
And when he does,
what he says is so basic,
you wonder if it's actually
quite profound.
What sort of thing?
Well, he'll just
sort of shuffle into the lounge
and go, "It's going to rain at two."
So, most useful thing
people learnt from their parents.
Jamali, what did you learn
from your parents?
My dad always gave me weird advice.
My dad was like a real East End
dude from Leighton,
and when I was 14 years old,
he sat me down, and he goes,
"If you ever take ecstasy,
take half."
And that was his advice.
That was his whole advice.
What a dad!
What solid advice there, kids.
Take half, see how you feel.
It might be a dud,
you might have to take another.
I don't want to criticise,
but better advice would be
a full MMR jab.
OK, so, most useful thing people
learn from their parents?
What else do you think it will be?
Self-defence. Self-defence? Yeah.
Your parents were coming at you?
You had to roll into a ball
like a hedgehog?
No, but I was one of four girls,
and so we went at each other.
Stop it, Jimmy!
So when I was in school,
if there was ever any trouble,
my dad would say, "If someone kicks
you in the shins, kick them back.
"If someone hits you in the face,
hit them back. Just mirror them.
"Never be the first
to throw the slap,
but always stand up for yourself
and never get caught."
Yeah. My dad used to say, "Don't
start it, but fucking finish it!"
And never talk to the police.
OK. So, Joe,
you were pretty much there.
It's what your mum taught you.
Cooking. Cooking is exactly right.
Cooking? Really?
Yes, the most useful thing
most Brits learn from their parents
is how to cook. Also on the list
is how to shave.
Thanks, Mum, never been smoother.
BUZZER
Well, that means it's the end of
the round, and the end of the show.
And I can tell you that Rob, Maisie
and Joe are tonight's winners!
CHEERING
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you watching
at home. That's it. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media.