8 Out of 10 Cats (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 10 - Christmas Special - full transcript
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats...
Ding-dong, Emily on high -
it's Emily Atack.
Holidays are coming -
it's Ola.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight,
he's a Christmas cracker -
it's Jamie Laing.
Go Dasher, go Prancer -
it's Natasia Demetriou,
and Sara Pascoe,
their guest team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy...
..Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the
8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special,
a show all about opinion polls,
surveys, statistics
and of course, Christmas.
CHEERING
Did you know 8% of millennials are
offended by Christmas decorations?
Snowflakes...
..but also baubles and tinsel.
A third of Brits think Lapland
is a fictional place.
It's not, I've been,
and as strip clubs go,
it's actually all right.
And one in four Brits don't think
snogging is cheating
if it's under the mistletoe.
But if that mistletoe is part
of a vajazzle,
it's a different story.
Right, let's get started!
What are you talking about?
That's the name of our first round.
It's all panellists job to guess
the British public's top three
favourite things about Christmas.
Rob Beckett, what do people
love about Christmas?
The presents.
What's the best thing you ever got?
Oh...
Braces?
It's hard, Christmas presents,
isn't it?
Especially when you're married
and you've been with someone
a long time,
you've run out of ideas.
The best way, I think,
is throwing money at it.
Like last Christmas - I ended up
getting my wife three grand
in used banknotes.
That is a lovely gift.
Why did they have to be used
and how were they used?
Cocaine, mainly.
That's like calling your wife
a stripper, isn't it?
Because you said
you're just throwing money...
I don't just like... in her face like
that.
I once had a really awkward thing
in a relationship where, you know,
we've been together a few years,
you think you're in the same place,
so I bought us
a holiday to Barbados
and he bought me
an electric toothbrush.
And, yeah, it was a very tense
day.
At the time, he felt very
embarrassed about it,
but then actually
it was a good lesson.
We went on holiday for a week
and we had an amazing time
but the toothbrush was something
that I used every single
day to masturbate.
And so, in a way, a great gift.
You can... And people don't even
worry about why it's in your bag.
You can take it on holiday
with you. It's a great gift.
And the other great thing is,
ladies, minty fresh vagina. Exactly!
Exactly.
Ola, best gift you've ever given.
There was one year I actually
decided I was going to try and do
Christmas like other people and
I bought everybody in the family
a foot spa, but like half
of my family members
just didn't take it home with them.
Slightly weird at your house then
if you've you got six foot spas.
You know what you could do?
Open up a place in the high street,
all we need is couple of goldfish -
you know those things
where people...?
Oh, yeah, the fish nibble
off the skin.
Yeah, charge people £20 a go.
Lovely.
You know those are really bad,
those fish things? Why?
The fish don't
even get a lunch break.
We'll they're having a lunch.
They just keep on. 24/7.
They just keep going.
It's actually against the
EU working time directive.
They are very much remain,
those fish.
Emily... best gift?
Well, I don't know about Christmas,
but someone keeps sending butt
plugs to my house.
SARA GASPS
And they're changing each month.
They not really kind of minimal...
Oh, I've got that with socks -
where they send you a new pair
of socks every month.
Well, you can't shove socks
up your arse. You can.
It's the weirdest thing and my dad
came round the other day
and he was fixing something for me
and he pulled this drawer open,
and this butt plug rolled out
on the floor, and he went,
"What's that?"
So you've kept the butt plugs...?
It'd be a waste not to.
Who had four minutes
for the butt plug conversation?
What about you, Natasia?
I have a half-Cypriot father
and he really comes in to his own
because everything that he does
wrong is amplified more
by the fact that it's Christmas.
So he often wraps me up some
of his clothes and gives them to me.
He's like...
CYPRIOT ACCENT: "It's very nice.
"It's very comfortable. I've had
lots of lovely wear out of it.
"Now it's your turn."
What's the best thing he's ever
given you? A vest.
He gave you a vest?!
He gave me his vest.
He was like, "It keeps me so warm
and I am worrying about you
"not keeping warm.
I can't help you everywhere.
"So here's my vest."
And it's brown. It's brown there.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Sometimes if he's in a bad mood,
because Christmas is so...
You never know
what's going to happen.
Once he just chucked
a fiver at me and went,
"Merry fucking Christmas."
Now, some people say
kids aren't grateful,
but take a look at this kid -
he really is dead.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Dad!
What?!
Is it the Doctor? Oh, my God,
I wished for this! Seriously!
It's the one! It's the one!
Oh, my goodness!
You know what, Dad? I'm too lucky!
Oh, my God! YES!
HE SCREAMS
iPad Mini!
That is sweet.
I'll be honest, Sara, I don't even
think you should give kids cocaine.
His poor sister in the background
wishing she was an only child.
People always go like,
"The kids...
HE SNORTS
"..They like the boxes more
than the actual presents
"on Christmas, don't they?"
No!
Imagine wrapping up 15 empty
boxes and giving them to your kids -
they'd be fuming.
I remember I was about
nine years old
and I was sitting in my bed
and I was awake
because I was excited
for Santa Claus to come
and my uncle walked in naked
with the sack over his shoulder.
And walked in and went,
"Oh, hello."
I went, "What's that?"
And he went, "It's your presents."
And he walked out again and I went,
"Well, that's it, it's done."
You're really, really,
really lucky you were awake.
Number one.
That's his alibi over his shoulder.
It was full of lube...
At least there was lube.
Ola, what's the best
thing you ever got?
Oh, well, my mum's version
of Christmas gifts
was paying our school fees.
That's what it is -
when you grow up
with a British Nigerian household,
you just get reminded
of what you've already got.
And that's why I went
on to study accounting.
You studied accounting. Well, where
were you when I needed you?
OK, let's have a look and see
if presents are up there.
Yes, it's Christmas presents!
Last year, I got my girlfriend
a puppy for Christmas.
It was so cute. I even put it in
a little box with a big bow on it.
My mistake was sending it
second class.
I like unusual presents.
Last year, I bought my nan
a lifetime supply
of Werther's Originals,
which turned out to be
three packets of
Werther's Originals.
What else do people
love about Christmas?
OK, I think people love the food -
they love the Christmas dinner,
all of the chocolates and the
drinking and the gluttony, yeah.
I'm not a big fan.
You don't like Christmas dinner?
I think it's overrated.
So if it's rated, most people
would give Christmas dinner
nine and a half out of ten.
Why? What would you give it?
25 out of ten. Yeah.
It's the best meal of the year.
No, it's not better than
shepherd's pie.
Are you saying shepherd's pie
is better than Christmas dinner?
You've mashed up a roast dinner.
You've mashed it up and put it in
a dish and you think that's better?
Honestly, shepherd's pie
is unbelievable.
Also... We've all heard shepherd's
pie, mate.
Christmas dinner - roast potatoes,
fine, they're a bit dry.
You've got turkey, it's dry.
You've got Brussel sprouts,
no-one likes them.
So you're saying a badly cooked
Christmas dinner is bad?
No! Even a goodly...
A goodly cooked one.
A goodly cooked one!
Goodly cooked one!
Are you now in Dickens?
Yeah!
The bread sauce can do one,
I do agree with that. What?!
Bread sauce is the best bit.
Oh, fuck off, shepherd's pie.
Bread sauce is like porridge
for arseholes. Yeah.
Pigs in blankets, do you like them?
They're lovely, they're fine.
Pigs in blankets it strikes me...
I mean, it's the very opposite of
being vegan, isn't it?
To me... We've taken meat,
wrapped it in another bit of meat.
Yep, and it looks like the pigs
trying to themselves back together.
Get revenge on everyone.
It's really creepy.
I don't get on board with this bird
inside a bird, inside a bird...
Some of them do that seven birds...
Yeah, that's...
I don't even know how many birds!
No.
Can you name seven birds?
Woodpecker, budgie, pigeon...
Robin, robin!
Kingfisher.
Also, anyone who wants to shove...
..How big are these birds arses?
Interestingly,
they don't have sphincters
and that's why they just poo
when they're flying around.
That's why it just drops out.
Sorry, but maybe I don't have
a sphincter.
Why do you think you don't
have a sphincter?
Well, because it just like...
It just falls out of me.
Welcome to Christmas, everyone.
What?
I went round to a date's house
two days before Christmas and...
Anyway, I woke up in the morning
and I was like...
And I was naked in bed.
And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
We were just very hungover.
There was a knock at the door.
I was like, "Who's that?!"
She said, "It's my mum."
"Why's your mum here?"
"Because it's my house."
I went, "Oh, my God!"
And I saw my boxers on the ground.
I'll show you.
I quickly went like this
and put them on.
I went, "Oh!" And the mum walked in
and I was standing there
being super charismatic,
talking to the mum and the daughter
and they were looking at me weirdly.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
And I looked down and they were
inside out
and I had skid marks
running all the way up.
GROANING AND APPLAUSE
There we go.
That's so horrible.
Ola? Yeah? Christmas dinner?
A lot of the Nigerians go back
to Nigeria for Christmas.
So there was one Christmas I was in
Nigeria, it's Christmas Eve,
we were driving home with
a live turkey in the car.
LAUGHTER
I don't see why that's funny.
Wow - a live turkey in the car?
Yeah.
Who killed it, then,
when you got home?
Oh, you get someone to do it.
There's are guys -
that's their job. All right.
Like butchers.
So you got to know you dinner?
I think you should.
I think it's only polite.
Do you think he knew you
were going to eat him
or he thought he was just,
like, in an Uber
and then it had this terrible
ending?
He thought he'd been
saved at the last minute.
He thought it was like
a Disney movie -
I'm going home with him, I can't
believe my luck!
I've made new friends.
Oh, don't!
You could say at least I'm not
stuffing another five birds
up your arse.
Emily - Christmas dinner,
what do you like?
Oh, I love it all,
I absolutely love it.
But my favourite bit
is the cheese board afterwards.
I once ate a whole wheel
of brie at Christmas
and then drank a bottle
of Baileys.
Was the rest of your family just
staring at you as this happened?
I love cheese so much.
You know how people have the cheese
and crackers?
I just have cheese on another slab
of cheese and a bit of chutney.
Yeah. Gorgeous.
I mean, you cannot attack
a full brie without chut.
Without chut! You know, that's what
they call it down the old East End.
The brie and the chut.
Again, it's overrated, isn't it?
No, it's not!
What's better for you?
Banoffee pie.
It's a good pie.
I think science should
experiment on you.
It's not! If someone put cheese in
front of you and said,
"Would you like that or would you
like banoffee pie or banana split,"
you'd pick the other
two in a heartbeat.
If someone put shepherd's pie
or a Christmas dinner,
you'd pick the shepherd's pie.
No, you wouldn't! Yes, you would.
No-one agrees with you.
I don't think you're qualified to
talk about this
because you can't even
wipe your own arse.
So...
..I don't think we have
to take that seriously.
OK, let's have a look and see
if it's up there.
Most popular thing, yes -
Christmas dinner.
Turkey has been a traditional part
of Christmas since Victorian times.
What people don't realise
is just how versatile Turkey can be.
You can serve it pink, tasteless,
dry, undercooked, or burnt.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
where we're still trying to guess
the British public's top-three
favourite things about Christmas.
OK. Fingers on buzzers. Rob.
Is it the decorations?
Do you go all out?
I do, but I'm getting a bit annoyed.
Like, who put garden
centres in charge of Christmas?
LAUGHTER
"Oh, do you want to go
"and see Santa?" "Yeah.
Oh, where is it? Lapland?
"A toy shop?" "No. Garden centre."
You know, get the tree,
fair enough.
But, like, "Oh, do you want
to see and see reindeer?"
"Yeah, is it the zoo?"
"No. Garden centre."
"Do you want to go and see
a massive sad animatronic polar bear
"doing that?" "Oh, yeah. Where we
going?" "Garden centre."
LAUGHTER
It's a disgrace.
The thing about the Christmas trees
is, I mean, you can go and buy one
or you can go and cut one down
yourself, but it doesn't go well.
Toddlers, Christmas trees -
they don't mix. Take a look.
Lexi, out of the way, please. Lexi!
LEXI!
LAUGHTER
Lexi.
Oh, it's Lucas!
I thought it was Lexi.
Is he OK?
Oh!
Help him!
LAUGHTER
Good job, Aidan.
That is the worst parenting ever.
Doesn't stop filming, doesn't help,
doesn't even know the name. Yeah.
Imagine if the last words you ever
heard were your parents
calling you your sibling's name.
I'm not Cheryl.
Christmas is dangerous,
though, innit?
You do dangerous things. Yeah.
We went ice skating
at the fucking garden centre!
All right, Rob. All right!
It's Christmas. Just be nice.
You know why I'm angry?
My wife's banned tinsel.
Said it's a bit chavvy.
I worry she's going to ban me
next year.
Yeah, I think that's an issue
I have with my wife as well.
I like the classy stuff
and she likes the tacky stuff.
Yeah. So there was this house
that had all these really tacky
and really over-the-top lights.
So I had to take her and
my daughter to go see them,
go stand outside someone
else's house at night. And...
But they had a box there.
Like, if you like the lights,
you can donate to this charity
that helps polar bears.
And I thought to myself,
"OK, so they're dying
"because the sea levels are rising
"cos of global warming
and climate change,
"probably because you kept
all these lights on." Yeah!
LAUGHTER
OK, some Christmas decorations,
very impressive.
Some make you never want to
meet the people responsible.
Have a look at this.
# Christmas season
# Starting sooner every year
# It's October
# Stores with plastic Christmas
trees
# Ransack the mall
# Shop until you lose your mind
# Spike the eggnog
# Sit back and watch Rudolph, Frosty
Tiny Tim
# And Scrooge
The Grinch
# Or Charlie Brown
# It's time. #
If that's your house, fuck off.
LAUGHTER
My dad gets decorations from...
I honestly don't know where.
He was like, "I got you some very
special little birdies for the tree,
"they're very sweet little birdies,"
and they are like... honestly,
their claws are made of black wire
and their eyeballs are hanging out
on, like, small sticks,
and they're like that.
So do you go visit him in Broadmoor
for Christmas?
What is the weirdest thing that's
happened in your house at Christmas?
My dad pooed himself on
Christmas morning.
It was honestly one of the funniest,
but, like, saddest things.
It was Christmas morning
and my dad had taken the dogs
for a walk and he came in, sort of
stormed into the kitchen
and my mum went,
"Oh, I'll put the kettle on,"
or something really sweet,
and he went "Fuck off, bitch."
And I was like, "Dad,
don't talk to Mum like that.
"It's Christmas morning."
And he went, "Yeah,
but how would you feel
"if you fell over in the park
and then pooed your knickers?"
How does he make shitting
yourself adorable?
Also, the fact that he had
knickers on.
Well, I can tell you, Christmas
decorations are not on the list,
but many houses in Nottingham
are lit up with flashing lights
during the Christmas period,
mainly because there's a
police car parked outside.
All right. Fingers on buzzers. What
else do people love about Christmas?
BUZZER
Go on.
I think people love watching
all of the TV
that's Christmassy, and
Christmas films and things.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Christmas telly
is such a massive part of Christmas.
It's basically a marathon.
It's what makes you feel
Christmassy, isn't it?
Favourite Christmas TV?
I don't really watch the
Queen's Speech.
I mean, it's like,
I find it really hard...
I mean, I know there's posh,
and then there's Queen posh,
but I actually can't understand
what she's saying.
It's just like...
POSH ACCENT: Merry Christmas...
INDISTINCT POSH ACCENT
She sounds like a sad walkie talkie!
You slightly look posh when you do
that. There's something... Yeah.
But it's all in the teeth, posh.
OK. Let me see the posh face.
OK, the posh, like...
Oh, so, Jamie...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
INDISTINCT
That's actually a
really good impression.
Are you 100% sure
Boris Johnson's not your dad?
I dunno!
OK. Favourite Christmas TV, Emily?
I like that Snowman one, you know...
I mean, it's a bit depressing,
though, isn't it,
when he melts at the end?
Oh, it's sad. So sad.
It's to teach children about death.
Like, that's its point.
And that's the thing, when
you actually think about it,
so much of Christmas TV
is absolutely miserable.
All the soaps kill someone off,
all of the adverts
are quite tear jerkers...
Strictly Christmas special,
all the husbands have
left their wives.
LAUGHTER
I'm TV all the way at Christmas.
Like, Christmas Eve,
my wife, like, sometimes suggests,
"Want to go to midnight mass?"
No! Nothing good starts at midnight.
Everyone always spoils
Christmas Day, as well, don't they,
with getting too pissed
on Christmas Eve.
I do this every time.
I go, "Right, I'm going out for one.
"I'm going for one to the pub."
Cut to stumbling in and you
end up in the Christmas tree.
I don't think you can get too
drunk at Christmas.
I think that's the beauty of it.
Like, it hides every level
of alcoholism. Yeah.
The fact you have to drink in
the morning and that's encouraged,
and there's all these crazy drinks
you don't get at other times
of year.
Crazy drinks you don't get at
other times of the year? Eggnog.
What the frick is eggnog?
Well, bring in the drinks.
I got drinks for you.
I got Christmas drinks. Did you?
Yeah, I've got Christmassy drinks.
Oh! This is so exciting.
I've got here a turkeyball shot.
No. So whose is whose? You're going
to have to have the egg...
We're both vegan.
You can have the carrot one.
OK, I'm going to have the carrot.
You can also have the red wine. OK.
I made my own mulled wine.
Shall we share a little bit
of the...? Yeah, share the...
Let's do eggnog first, over here.
Try the eggnog. What is eggnog?
It's pretty good.
It's egg, rum, nutmeg, milk,
double cream.
Right. It's not a flake.
It's not a flake. Cinnamon stick.
It's a cinnamon stick.
It's bark. It's a cinnamon stick!
It's a cinnamon stick.
It's tree bark.
Shall we try the carrot juice?
So nice.
Carrot juice, so carrot juice,
vodka, ginger ale...
Taste it. Shit, that's really nice.
OK. Let's try my family recipe
for mulled wine. Try it first.
Oh, what the fuck? What is that?
What have you done to her?
No!
What have I put in my mouth?
What happened?
That's gravy and wine!
It's red wine, Marmite, Polos,
and a locket.
My mouth!
If you know what's in it,
it's still disgusting.
Still really disgusting!
If you're pairing wines, that will
go lovely with the shepherd's pie.
That is fucking horrible!
It's like what...
..like a urine infection
would taste like.
It's like a thick piss. Yeah.
And yeasty from the Marmite.
A yeasty, thick piss.
A thick, yeasty, red piss.
What haven't we tried?
We haven't tried the sprout one.
OK, so this one's just for you,
cos you're not vegan.
JAMIE: It's got, has it got
meat in it? Yeah. Yeah.
So that's turkey stock,
vodka, lime juice...
LAUGHTER
..Worcester sauce, and...
Oh, my God!
That is the most vile thing
I've ever... That's like...
Emily quite likes it, I think.
It... I... I can't say
what that tastes.
What does it taste like?
That tastes like sweaty bollocks.
Which is fine...
It's an acquired taste!
But it's cold.
Hang on a second. So that
tastes like sweaty bollocks,
which would be fine, but it's cold?
Yeah.
They should just be
a little bit warm.
Well, cold and sweaty is clammy.
Yeah. You don't want clammy balls.
You're poorly. If you're cold and
sweaty, you're very poorly. Yeah.
How are you checking
people's health?
Try it, Rob. Just try it.
I'm going to, I'm going to!
You're delaying it for no reason!
Oh, my fingers now smell like
sweaty balls.
LAUGHTER
That's what we have to put up with!
This is like... Exactly!
It clings to your mouth!
It's like Gaviscon.
This is... this is...
Can we got a slow-mo
of Rob's face just now?
Oh, oh, oh!
And again.
You try some, Jim.
Want a little bit? I...
I'll bring it over, I'll just pop
over here. You can have a little
bit.
Have a little sip. Thanks, man.
Here you go, I'll just pop it there.
Is he going to?
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that's sweaty balls.
I miss my uncle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's see if Christmas TV
is up there.
That's what we were talking about,
Christmas telly!
Oh, my God.
Yes, Christmas telly.
We all love a bit of Christmas TV.
Like the time divorce papers were
handed to someone from EastEnders.
Best Strictly final ever.
If you're a big fan of Doctor Who
and you're looking forward
to the Christmas special,
I don't want to spoil it for you,
but grow up. It's a kids' show.
So those were our favourite
things about Christmas.
But let's not forget office parties.
47% of people say they'd like
to drink less
at the office Christmas party,
but duty calls and
that wastepaper bin
isn't going to shit in itself.
I gave my boss two fingers
at the Christmas party.
She liked it. I got a promotion.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
On Christmas Day in the Philippines,
they eat Edam cheese
and oxtail soup.
So here's a tip - try and avoid
the Philippines on Boxing Day.
We played hide and seek
last Christmas with Nan.
No-one could find her
until the council broke down
her door on January 15th.
Well played, Nana. Well played.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now, before we carry on,
time for a quick bonus round,
everyone's favourite Christmas game,
Sprout Mouth.
The rules are simple. First, put
as many sprouts as you can in
your mouth
and your team-mates have to
guess what you're saying.
The team that guesses the
most phrases are the winners.
OK, Sara, your turn first.
Here's your sprouts.
Here's your questions. There you go.
Thank you. And all you've got
to guess is what Sara is saying.
So I'm going to put as many
in my mouth as I can.
Yeah. OK. That's one.
Oh...
MUFFLED: I don't want
to gag on sprouts.
Well, you're pretty good
with two in.
Do you want me to get a toothbrush?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How many feels right, Sara?
How many...?
Four feels right.
OK, your time starts now.
MUFFLED:
"Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas."
No!
"Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas."
No!
"Do you want to have my baby?"
Sara, if you want to
play your joker,
you could take one sprout out.
Very ladylike.
INDISTINCT
Oh. Cover my big pudding
in bran... brandy butter. Yeah!
That's one. That's one.
Sprout back in. Another one.
OK, here we go.
Hello, everyone.
Is it "Hello, everyone.
Merry Christmas"?
That's Jamie's guess.
He's not going to guess it once,
Sara,
he's going to guess it four times.
Try and dribble a bit more, Sara.
Oh!
Oh, that's not going to help.
What was that? Sock...
Sock. Mm. Oh.
Fuck.
Fuck me.
Glove.
MUFFLED: Stuff.
Dove?
Shove? Sauce?
MUFFLED SHOUT
Love?
Stuff. BOTH: Stuff!
Stuff... My... My... My...
Stocking... Girlfriend?
Stocking. Mm!
Stuff my stocking...
Brilliantly? Filling?
Silly? Mm-hm!
APPLAUSE
And, Rob, this is yours to beat.
There you go, grab those.
Put between 15 and 20 in... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Sara, you did very well,
but I mean, really, you're up
against a pro here. I know.
How many did you have in?
She had four. Four is a lot.
Oh, he's going to get four
in one side.
Oh, my God.
There's so much more room.
He's not even filled the middle!
Look at his mouth! OK, that's six.
He's got six in there. No!
Oh!
Seven. No! No way!
That is nothing to be proud of.
That's too many! No...
No! No!
That's eight! Oh, my God.
Can you get one more in, Rob? Go on!
No, don't! He can't, he can't.
Eight...
Nine!
No, no, no...
No!
Don't do it. What?
Ten! What?!
Rob Beckett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
OK, so here come the phrases.
He's got about eight in there.
I feel like this game was invented
in Harvey Weinstein's hotel room.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Rob, your time starts now.
BOTH: Don't try to tickle
the turkey.
That's right.
Oh, he's adding another
controversial one. Wow.
OK, that's the first one.
He's got one.
Now...?
Is?
Knees? Needs!
Needs!
Now needs...
A...
Naughty?
He needs a naughty curry?
Slowly?
Sherry? Mm!
Nan needs a naughty sherry.
Right two for two.
One more for the win.
Santa... They've gotten smaller.
Sandra? Santa?
Fart? Santa's sack?
Slags. No.
Sags. Shags.
Sags! Oh.
Santa's sack sags...
So slightly. Mm!
Rob is the winner!
Obviously, don't try that at home
because you might choke on
a Brussels sprout,
and that's too hilarious
a way to die.
Also, what did you think
Sandra was up to?
So at the end of all that,
Rob's team have two points,
Sara's team have two points.
That's it for part two,
see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the
8 Out of 10 Cats Christmas special.
Our next round is
Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Ola, Emily,
what do you like the look of?
Those lovely little singers?
OK, you want the singers.
All right. So we asked our studio
audience, what do you prefer?
What do you think?
Carols are rubbish, ain't they?
That fa-la-la-la-la one.
Write a lyric, will you?
It's like a placeholder. We'll think
of something. "Fa-la-la-la-la!"
What is that?
I use it all the time at Christmas.
Just, like, "What day are they
coming for the bins?"
"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!"
That's the best thing about carols,
is that you don't have to know
all of the words to be able to
shout one bit.
That's what's so great about being
at school or being in the choir.
SHE HUMS QUIETLY
SHOUTS: "Five gold rings!"
# Lamb shepherd's pie!
# Banoffee pie, no turkey,
I'm Jamie Laing
# And I'll have a fucking banquet
at mine! #
I think pop songs are better
because then you have...
SHRIEKS: "It's Christmas!"
I always thought Noddy Holder
sounds like a condom.
Like, "Have you got a Noddy Holder?
If not, I'll go to the shop.
"I'm out of Noddys, mate." "I'm not
doing it without a Noddy Holder.
"I've run out of Noddys."
What's so great about that is
if someone was like, "Don't worry,
I've got a Noddy Holder."
I'd be like, I've changed my mind.
I don't want to do it any more.
Noddy Holder! Noddy Holder.
It's depressing when you're single,
when I was single
I'd put a condom in my wallet.
Just in case. Why, for what reason?
So I can have protected sex.
No, he used to put a condom
in his wallet
so he can fuck his wallet safely.
The worst thing was, if you were
going through a bit of a dry patch,
then eventually the leather
in your wallet would form
the shape of the condom
even once you took it out.
It was so degrading, like, oh, look.
What do you prefer?
Carols? Oh, massively prefer carols.
What is the one?
# Rup-pup-pup-ah... #
Sing it all.
No, go on, sing that one.
THEY SING "LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"
# Rum-pum-pum-pum! #
What's that?!
I think if you had a brain injury,
that's how you would sound.
I would pay him, if you did
Christmas carols
at my house, I'd watch for hours.
"You know the one!
# Rum-pum-pum-pum! #"
I like East 17, Stay.
That for me is the perfect Christmas
song, it's got no religion in it.
But you can't like that because
Brian Harvey got addicted to
jacket potatoes and
then ran himself over.
My favourite Christmas song is
Mariah Carey's
All I Want For Christmas
because I love the way she sings it.
How does she sing it?
SINGS NASALLY:
# I just want you for my own
# More than...
Mannn mnnnn comnnnn tunnng... #
HUMS NASALLY, ONLY MOUTHING LYRICS
Your TV's is not broken.
That's how she's doing it.
HUMS, MOUTHING LYRICS
Where's the sound coming out?
You don't want to know, Rob,
you don't want to know.
The sound is falling out of her.
The more time I spend with you,
the more I think your dad
might be just normal.
Maybe you're the problem.
A favourite Christmas song,
what do you like, Ola?
I like to buy all the Africa
charity singles
they release at Christmas.
I just find it a much easier way
to send money home.
When is someone going to ask me
to do one of those, honestly?
I just think I'm so up for it.
I mean, I like just like in general,
when the carollers come to my house,
I like to...
I like to look through them
and try and spot which
one could go solo.
Start planting ideas
in his head.
"Don't waste your time with
these lot. You can go far.
"You can go far
if you apply yourself."
It's a bit awkward when they're
just standing there singing,
you're just looking at them going...
They're just going "Brightly shone!"
in your face.
What do you think people prefer?
Christmas carols or pop songs?
Rob? I think pop songs.
What are you gonna go for?
I think it's carols.
SHRIEKS: # Pop songs! #
I'm with carols with you. I've
been outvoted. You're going carols.
You're going pop songs.
Well, I can tell you the answer is
70% of our studio audience
prefer Christmas pop songs.
Band Aid famously asked,
Do They Know It's Christmas?
And the answer is no. So you don't
have to get them anything.
So the end of that round
it's three points for Rob's team
and two points for Sara's team.
That's it for part three,
see you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of
10 Cats Christmas Special.
And The Winner Is is the name
of our final round.
Here's your first one...
Ooh.
BUZZER
Sort my arse out.
Would that be my resolution
or yours? It's mine. Because
if it's yours, that's OK.
If it's mine,
it seems a bit aggressive.
Yeah, accusatory.
GRUFFLY: Gonna sort her arse out!
It's whatever you want it
to be, Jimmy.
Merry Christmas.
What do you think - the most common
resolution?
I reckon it's to break
up with someone. What?! Yes.
Come on. Your Christmases
are so depressing.
I once broke up with someone
on Christmas Eve. No!
And we still lived together and we
didn't have anywhere else to go -
had to spend Christmas with him
and I hadn't bought him any gifts
because I knew
what we were breaking up.
And then I had to sit there
and unwrap the things
that he'd bought me... Yeee!
Was there a little
bit of you that thought,
I'm going to break up with him,
because then I know
I don't have to do the shopping?
No, it wasn't...
Why did you just smile
before you said no?
Because that was just
a handy side-effect.
What about you, Jamie?
Writing thank-you letters.
You are so posh!
Or passing driving tests.
How many? Guess how many times
I've booked my theory test.
Four. I would say seven.
51.
There's no way...
51 times you've booked your theory
test. How many times
have you done the theory test?
Three.
It's because you've spent too much
time learning how to ride ponies.
No, it's not! Green is go, red is
stop,
if there's a roundabout, wait
for the cars. You're fine.
This is why Prince Philip
ran someone over.
Ola, have you got a New Year's
resolution?
I asked my wife, actually.
what her New Year's resolution
was and she said, this year,
she'd like to be married to a guy
who was one stone lighter.
Nice! So the turkey's
going to live.
I feel your pain there, like, every
year, it's my thing.
I say, right, come on.
People online, they call me fat all
the time. I write,
but what you don't realise, I go to
the gym every single January.
The worst thing I've ever done
is I found myself on January the 1st
struggling down a really busy high
street trying to carry
an exercise bike home with me.
Why don't you just get a real bike
and ride home?
Spitballing ideas here, I know.
OK, it's related to that. What else?
What's your New Year's resolution?
This year,
I really want to get into my
skateboarding again.
Oh, fuck off!
Just crack on with it.
By the end of the year, I want
to be able to do a half-pipe.
Next year, full-pipe.
Year after that, pipe and a half.
Ultimately, I want you to see
this face
when you look up the word "gnarly".
JIMMY CACKLES
I reckon you're more of
a rollerblader, though.
I can see you rollerblading.
Rollerblading, yeah,
I used to have a pair of
Bauers back in the day.
Did you just wink at me
about your rollerblades?
Yeah, I don't know why.
I don't know, I don't wink enough.
Mate, that'll be it,
I'm going to wink more.
It really suits you, winking.
Yeah. Do a sexy
I've-just-met-you wink at me.
Sexy one?
I just think that you will
remember me.
I can't imagine you flirting.
I'd find it the funniest thing
in the world to watch you.
Yeah, you wouldn't normally
be my target.
Target?! Nice.
Or victim. You know,
target or victim.
Jamie, do you even have to flirt?
Do you just bring your bank
statement?
I don't know how. Well,
flirting... How do you meet people?
Um... Romantically.
I go, "Are you all right?"
And then you would say? Fine.
Sweet, that's it. Done.
It got me, it got me. It got you?
So you make sweets
and that's like the most
disgusting flirty thing.
You have vegan ones.
We are vegan, we're vegan, yeah.
That's me flirting. I've already
got laid. Here we go.
That wasn't sex. Oh!
I remember the first time I ever
went to, er, second... second base
with a girl. I was really excited.
I was like, "Oh, that's..."
Came back to school
and it was like a Western.
I went and kicked open the door.
All the boys. I went, "Boys,
you'll never guess what, I'm a man."
And then when I told them the story,
they said, "What happened?"
I said, well, this has happened,
I said,
"And you know when you,
er, go inside
"and you find the clitoris?"
And they went, "What?!"
Turns out the clitoris
wasn't inside.
That's what I found out. Right?
Yeah, yeah.
Having sex with the girl
is like going into a cockpit
and trying to land a plane.
Jamie, don't call it a cockpit.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, most common New Year's
resolution? Is it about smoking?
I feel that's a boring one...
Smoking is number two.
Very close with
the gym. Losing weight?
That's the right answer.
Yes, the most common New Year's
resolution is to lose weight.
The top-three resolutions are lose
weight, do more exercise
and stop smoking.
So the best thing to do is run
down to the shops, buy some
cigarettes and eat them.
BUZZER
Well, that sound tells me it's
the end of the show, which means
the final scores are Sara,
Jamie and Natasia have two points.
Rob, Ola and Emily are the winners
with four points.
Thanks to our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience,
and to all watching at home. That's
it from us. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
strong language and adult humour
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats...
Ding-dong, Emily on high -
it's Emily Atack.
Holidays are coming -
it's Ola.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight,
he's a Christmas cracker -
it's Jamie Laing.
Go Dasher, go Prancer -
it's Natasia Demetriou,
and Sara Pascoe,
their guest team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy...
..Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the
8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special,
a show all about opinion polls,
surveys, statistics
and of course, Christmas.
CHEERING
Did you know 8% of millennials are
offended by Christmas decorations?
Snowflakes...
..but also baubles and tinsel.
A third of Brits think Lapland
is a fictional place.
It's not, I've been,
and as strip clubs go,
it's actually all right.
And one in four Brits don't think
snogging is cheating
if it's under the mistletoe.
But if that mistletoe is part
of a vajazzle,
it's a different story.
Right, let's get started!
What are you talking about?
That's the name of our first round.
It's all panellists job to guess
the British public's top three
favourite things about Christmas.
Rob Beckett, what do people
love about Christmas?
The presents.
What's the best thing you ever got?
Oh...
Braces?
It's hard, Christmas presents,
isn't it?
Especially when you're married
and you've been with someone
a long time,
you've run out of ideas.
The best way, I think,
is throwing money at it.
Like last Christmas - I ended up
getting my wife three grand
in used banknotes.
That is a lovely gift.
Why did they have to be used
and how were they used?
Cocaine, mainly.
That's like calling your wife
a stripper, isn't it?
Because you said
you're just throwing money...
I don't just like... in her face like
that.
I once had a really awkward thing
in a relationship where, you know,
we've been together a few years,
you think you're in the same place,
so I bought us
a holiday to Barbados
and he bought me
an electric toothbrush.
And, yeah, it was a very tense
day.
At the time, he felt very
embarrassed about it,
but then actually
it was a good lesson.
We went on holiday for a week
and we had an amazing time
but the toothbrush was something
that I used every single
day to masturbate.
And so, in a way, a great gift.
You can... And people don't even
worry about why it's in your bag.
You can take it on holiday
with you. It's a great gift.
And the other great thing is,
ladies, minty fresh vagina. Exactly!
Exactly.
Ola, best gift you've ever given.
There was one year I actually
decided I was going to try and do
Christmas like other people and
I bought everybody in the family
a foot spa, but like half
of my family members
just didn't take it home with them.
Slightly weird at your house then
if you've you got six foot spas.
You know what you could do?
Open up a place in the high street,
all we need is couple of goldfish -
you know those things
where people...?
Oh, yeah, the fish nibble
off the skin.
Yeah, charge people £20 a go.
Lovely.
You know those are really bad,
those fish things? Why?
The fish don't
even get a lunch break.
We'll they're having a lunch.
They just keep on. 24/7.
They just keep going.
It's actually against the
EU working time directive.
They are very much remain,
those fish.
Emily... best gift?
Well, I don't know about Christmas,
but someone keeps sending butt
plugs to my house.
SARA GASPS
And they're changing each month.
They not really kind of minimal...
Oh, I've got that with socks -
where they send you a new pair
of socks every month.
Well, you can't shove socks
up your arse. You can.
It's the weirdest thing and my dad
came round the other day
and he was fixing something for me
and he pulled this drawer open,
and this butt plug rolled out
on the floor, and he went,
"What's that?"
So you've kept the butt plugs...?
It'd be a waste not to.
Who had four minutes
for the butt plug conversation?
What about you, Natasia?
I have a half-Cypriot father
and he really comes in to his own
because everything that he does
wrong is amplified more
by the fact that it's Christmas.
So he often wraps me up some
of his clothes and gives them to me.
He's like...
CYPRIOT ACCENT: "It's very nice.
"It's very comfortable. I've had
lots of lovely wear out of it.
"Now it's your turn."
What's the best thing he's ever
given you? A vest.
He gave you a vest?!
He gave me his vest.
He was like, "It keeps me so warm
and I am worrying about you
"not keeping warm.
I can't help you everywhere.
"So here's my vest."
And it's brown. It's brown there.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Sometimes if he's in a bad mood,
because Christmas is so...
You never know
what's going to happen.
Once he just chucked
a fiver at me and went,
"Merry fucking Christmas."
Now, some people say
kids aren't grateful,
but take a look at this kid -
he really is dead.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Dad!
What?!
Is it the Doctor? Oh, my God,
I wished for this! Seriously!
It's the one! It's the one!
Oh, my goodness!
You know what, Dad? I'm too lucky!
Oh, my God! YES!
HE SCREAMS
iPad Mini!
That is sweet.
I'll be honest, Sara, I don't even
think you should give kids cocaine.
His poor sister in the background
wishing she was an only child.
People always go like,
"The kids...
HE SNORTS
"..They like the boxes more
than the actual presents
"on Christmas, don't they?"
No!
Imagine wrapping up 15 empty
boxes and giving them to your kids -
they'd be fuming.
I remember I was about
nine years old
and I was sitting in my bed
and I was awake
because I was excited
for Santa Claus to come
and my uncle walked in naked
with the sack over his shoulder.
And walked in and went,
"Oh, hello."
I went, "What's that?"
And he went, "It's your presents."
And he walked out again and I went,
"Well, that's it, it's done."
You're really, really,
really lucky you were awake.
Number one.
That's his alibi over his shoulder.
It was full of lube...
At least there was lube.
Ola, what's the best
thing you ever got?
Oh, well, my mum's version
of Christmas gifts
was paying our school fees.
That's what it is -
when you grow up
with a British Nigerian household,
you just get reminded
of what you've already got.
And that's why I went
on to study accounting.
You studied accounting. Well, where
were you when I needed you?
OK, let's have a look and see
if presents are up there.
Yes, it's Christmas presents!
Last year, I got my girlfriend
a puppy for Christmas.
It was so cute. I even put it in
a little box with a big bow on it.
My mistake was sending it
second class.
I like unusual presents.
Last year, I bought my nan
a lifetime supply
of Werther's Originals,
which turned out to be
three packets of
Werther's Originals.
What else do people
love about Christmas?
OK, I think people love the food -
they love the Christmas dinner,
all of the chocolates and the
drinking and the gluttony, yeah.
I'm not a big fan.
You don't like Christmas dinner?
I think it's overrated.
So if it's rated, most people
would give Christmas dinner
nine and a half out of ten.
Why? What would you give it?
25 out of ten. Yeah.
It's the best meal of the year.
No, it's not better than
shepherd's pie.
Are you saying shepherd's pie
is better than Christmas dinner?
You've mashed up a roast dinner.
You've mashed it up and put it in
a dish and you think that's better?
Honestly, shepherd's pie
is unbelievable.
Also... We've all heard shepherd's
pie, mate.
Christmas dinner - roast potatoes,
fine, they're a bit dry.
You've got turkey, it's dry.
You've got Brussel sprouts,
no-one likes them.
So you're saying a badly cooked
Christmas dinner is bad?
No! Even a goodly...
A goodly cooked one.
A goodly cooked one!
Goodly cooked one!
Are you now in Dickens?
Yeah!
The bread sauce can do one,
I do agree with that. What?!
Bread sauce is the best bit.
Oh, fuck off, shepherd's pie.
Bread sauce is like porridge
for arseholes. Yeah.
Pigs in blankets, do you like them?
They're lovely, they're fine.
Pigs in blankets it strikes me...
I mean, it's the very opposite of
being vegan, isn't it?
To me... We've taken meat,
wrapped it in another bit of meat.
Yep, and it looks like the pigs
trying to themselves back together.
Get revenge on everyone.
It's really creepy.
I don't get on board with this bird
inside a bird, inside a bird...
Some of them do that seven birds...
Yeah, that's...
I don't even know how many birds!
No.
Can you name seven birds?
Woodpecker, budgie, pigeon...
Robin, robin!
Kingfisher.
Also, anyone who wants to shove...
..How big are these birds arses?
Interestingly,
they don't have sphincters
and that's why they just poo
when they're flying around.
That's why it just drops out.
Sorry, but maybe I don't have
a sphincter.
Why do you think you don't
have a sphincter?
Well, because it just like...
It just falls out of me.
Welcome to Christmas, everyone.
What?
I went round to a date's house
two days before Christmas and...
Anyway, I woke up in the morning
and I was like...
And I was naked in bed.
And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
We were just very hungover.
There was a knock at the door.
I was like, "Who's that?!"
She said, "It's my mum."
"Why's your mum here?"
"Because it's my house."
I went, "Oh, my God!"
And I saw my boxers on the ground.
I'll show you.
I quickly went like this
and put them on.
I went, "Oh!" And the mum walked in
and I was standing there
being super charismatic,
talking to the mum and the daughter
and they were looking at me weirdly.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
And I looked down and they were
inside out
and I had skid marks
running all the way up.
GROANING AND APPLAUSE
There we go.
That's so horrible.
Ola? Yeah? Christmas dinner?
A lot of the Nigerians go back
to Nigeria for Christmas.
So there was one Christmas I was in
Nigeria, it's Christmas Eve,
we were driving home with
a live turkey in the car.
LAUGHTER
I don't see why that's funny.
Wow - a live turkey in the car?
Yeah.
Who killed it, then,
when you got home?
Oh, you get someone to do it.
There's are guys -
that's their job. All right.
Like butchers.
So you got to know you dinner?
I think you should.
I think it's only polite.
Do you think he knew you
were going to eat him
or he thought he was just,
like, in an Uber
and then it had this terrible
ending?
He thought he'd been
saved at the last minute.
He thought it was like
a Disney movie -
I'm going home with him, I can't
believe my luck!
I've made new friends.
Oh, don't!
You could say at least I'm not
stuffing another five birds
up your arse.
Emily - Christmas dinner,
what do you like?
Oh, I love it all,
I absolutely love it.
But my favourite bit
is the cheese board afterwards.
I once ate a whole wheel
of brie at Christmas
and then drank a bottle
of Baileys.
Was the rest of your family just
staring at you as this happened?
I love cheese so much.
You know how people have the cheese
and crackers?
I just have cheese on another slab
of cheese and a bit of chutney.
Yeah. Gorgeous.
I mean, you cannot attack
a full brie without chut.
Without chut! You know, that's what
they call it down the old East End.
The brie and the chut.
Again, it's overrated, isn't it?
No, it's not!
What's better for you?
Banoffee pie.
It's a good pie.
I think science should
experiment on you.
It's not! If someone put cheese in
front of you and said,
"Would you like that or would you
like banoffee pie or banana split,"
you'd pick the other
two in a heartbeat.
If someone put shepherd's pie
or a Christmas dinner,
you'd pick the shepherd's pie.
No, you wouldn't! Yes, you would.
No-one agrees with you.
I don't think you're qualified to
talk about this
because you can't even
wipe your own arse.
So...
..I don't think we have
to take that seriously.
OK, let's have a look and see
if it's up there.
Most popular thing, yes -
Christmas dinner.
Turkey has been a traditional part
of Christmas since Victorian times.
What people don't realise
is just how versatile Turkey can be.
You can serve it pink, tasteless,
dry, undercooked, or burnt.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
where we're still trying to guess
the British public's top-three
favourite things about Christmas.
OK. Fingers on buzzers. Rob.
Is it the decorations?
Do you go all out?
I do, but I'm getting a bit annoyed.
Like, who put garden
centres in charge of Christmas?
LAUGHTER
"Oh, do you want to go
"and see Santa?" "Yeah.
Oh, where is it? Lapland?
"A toy shop?" "No. Garden centre."
You know, get the tree,
fair enough.
But, like, "Oh, do you want
to see and see reindeer?"
"Yeah, is it the zoo?"
"No. Garden centre."
"Do you want to go and see
a massive sad animatronic polar bear
"doing that?" "Oh, yeah. Where we
going?" "Garden centre."
LAUGHTER
It's a disgrace.
The thing about the Christmas trees
is, I mean, you can go and buy one
or you can go and cut one down
yourself, but it doesn't go well.
Toddlers, Christmas trees -
they don't mix. Take a look.
Lexi, out of the way, please. Lexi!
LEXI!
LAUGHTER
Lexi.
Oh, it's Lucas!
I thought it was Lexi.
Is he OK?
Oh!
Help him!
LAUGHTER
Good job, Aidan.
That is the worst parenting ever.
Doesn't stop filming, doesn't help,
doesn't even know the name. Yeah.
Imagine if the last words you ever
heard were your parents
calling you your sibling's name.
I'm not Cheryl.
Christmas is dangerous,
though, innit?
You do dangerous things. Yeah.
We went ice skating
at the fucking garden centre!
All right, Rob. All right!
It's Christmas. Just be nice.
You know why I'm angry?
My wife's banned tinsel.
Said it's a bit chavvy.
I worry she's going to ban me
next year.
Yeah, I think that's an issue
I have with my wife as well.
I like the classy stuff
and she likes the tacky stuff.
Yeah. So there was this house
that had all these really tacky
and really over-the-top lights.
So I had to take her and
my daughter to go see them,
go stand outside someone
else's house at night. And...
But they had a box there.
Like, if you like the lights,
you can donate to this charity
that helps polar bears.
And I thought to myself,
"OK, so they're dying
"because the sea levels are rising
"cos of global warming
and climate change,
"probably because you kept
all these lights on." Yeah!
LAUGHTER
OK, some Christmas decorations,
very impressive.
Some make you never want to
meet the people responsible.
Have a look at this.
# Christmas season
# Starting sooner every year
# It's October
# Stores with plastic Christmas
trees
# Ransack the mall
# Shop until you lose your mind
# Spike the eggnog
# Sit back and watch Rudolph, Frosty
Tiny Tim
# And Scrooge
The Grinch
# Or Charlie Brown
# It's time. #
If that's your house, fuck off.
LAUGHTER
My dad gets decorations from...
I honestly don't know where.
He was like, "I got you some very
special little birdies for the tree,
"they're very sweet little birdies,"
and they are like... honestly,
their claws are made of black wire
and their eyeballs are hanging out
on, like, small sticks,
and they're like that.
So do you go visit him in Broadmoor
for Christmas?
What is the weirdest thing that's
happened in your house at Christmas?
My dad pooed himself on
Christmas morning.
It was honestly one of the funniest,
but, like, saddest things.
It was Christmas morning
and my dad had taken the dogs
for a walk and he came in, sort of
stormed into the kitchen
and my mum went,
"Oh, I'll put the kettle on,"
or something really sweet,
and he went "Fuck off, bitch."
And I was like, "Dad,
don't talk to Mum like that.
"It's Christmas morning."
And he went, "Yeah,
but how would you feel
"if you fell over in the park
and then pooed your knickers?"
How does he make shitting
yourself adorable?
Also, the fact that he had
knickers on.
Well, I can tell you, Christmas
decorations are not on the list,
but many houses in Nottingham
are lit up with flashing lights
during the Christmas period,
mainly because there's a
police car parked outside.
All right. Fingers on buzzers. What
else do people love about Christmas?
BUZZER
Go on.
I think people love watching
all of the TV
that's Christmassy, and
Christmas films and things.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Christmas telly
is such a massive part of Christmas.
It's basically a marathon.
It's what makes you feel
Christmassy, isn't it?
Favourite Christmas TV?
I don't really watch the
Queen's Speech.
I mean, it's like,
I find it really hard...
I mean, I know there's posh,
and then there's Queen posh,
but I actually can't understand
what she's saying.
It's just like...
POSH ACCENT: Merry Christmas...
INDISTINCT POSH ACCENT
She sounds like a sad walkie talkie!
You slightly look posh when you do
that. There's something... Yeah.
But it's all in the teeth, posh.
OK. Let me see the posh face.
OK, the posh, like...
Oh, so, Jamie...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
INDISTINCT
That's actually a
really good impression.
Are you 100% sure
Boris Johnson's not your dad?
I dunno!
OK. Favourite Christmas TV, Emily?
I like that Snowman one, you know...
I mean, it's a bit depressing,
though, isn't it,
when he melts at the end?
Oh, it's sad. So sad.
It's to teach children about death.
Like, that's its point.
And that's the thing, when
you actually think about it,
so much of Christmas TV
is absolutely miserable.
All the soaps kill someone off,
all of the adverts
are quite tear jerkers...
Strictly Christmas special,
all the husbands have
left their wives.
LAUGHTER
I'm TV all the way at Christmas.
Like, Christmas Eve,
my wife, like, sometimes suggests,
"Want to go to midnight mass?"
No! Nothing good starts at midnight.
Everyone always spoils
Christmas Day, as well, don't they,
with getting too pissed
on Christmas Eve.
I do this every time.
I go, "Right, I'm going out for one.
"I'm going for one to the pub."
Cut to stumbling in and you
end up in the Christmas tree.
I don't think you can get too
drunk at Christmas.
I think that's the beauty of it.
Like, it hides every level
of alcoholism. Yeah.
The fact you have to drink in
the morning and that's encouraged,
and there's all these crazy drinks
you don't get at other times
of year.
Crazy drinks you don't get at
other times of the year? Eggnog.
What the frick is eggnog?
Well, bring in the drinks.
I got drinks for you.
I got Christmas drinks. Did you?
Yeah, I've got Christmassy drinks.
Oh! This is so exciting.
I've got here a turkeyball shot.
No. So whose is whose? You're going
to have to have the egg...
We're both vegan.
You can have the carrot one.
OK, I'm going to have the carrot.
You can also have the red wine. OK.
I made my own mulled wine.
Shall we share a little bit
of the...? Yeah, share the...
Let's do eggnog first, over here.
Try the eggnog. What is eggnog?
It's pretty good.
It's egg, rum, nutmeg, milk,
double cream.
Right. It's not a flake.
It's not a flake. Cinnamon stick.
It's a cinnamon stick.
It's bark. It's a cinnamon stick!
It's a cinnamon stick.
It's tree bark.
Shall we try the carrot juice?
So nice.
Carrot juice, so carrot juice,
vodka, ginger ale...
Taste it. Shit, that's really nice.
OK. Let's try my family recipe
for mulled wine. Try it first.
Oh, what the fuck? What is that?
What have you done to her?
No!
What have I put in my mouth?
What happened?
That's gravy and wine!
It's red wine, Marmite, Polos,
and a locket.
My mouth!
If you know what's in it,
it's still disgusting.
Still really disgusting!
If you're pairing wines, that will
go lovely with the shepherd's pie.
That is fucking horrible!
It's like what...
..like a urine infection
would taste like.
It's like a thick piss. Yeah.
And yeasty from the Marmite.
A yeasty, thick piss.
A thick, yeasty, red piss.
What haven't we tried?
We haven't tried the sprout one.
OK, so this one's just for you,
cos you're not vegan.
JAMIE: It's got, has it got
meat in it? Yeah. Yeah.
So that's turkey stock,
vodka, lime juice...
LAUGHTER
..Worcester sauce, and...
Oh, my God!
That is the most vile thing
I've ever... That's like...
Emily quite likes it, I think.
It... I... I can't say
what that tastes.
What does it taste like?
That tastes like sweaty bollocks.
Which is fine...
It's an acquired taste!
But it's cold.
Hang on a second. So that
tastes like sweaty bollocks,
which would be fine, but it's cold?
Yeah.
They should just be
a little bit warm.
Well, cold and sweaty is clammy.
Yeah. You don't want clammy balls.
You're poorly. If you're cold and
sweaty, you're very poorly. Yeah.
How are you checking
people's health?
Try it, Rob. Just try it.
I'm going to, I'm going to!
You're delaying it for no reason!
Oh, my fingers now smell like
sweaty balls.
LAUGHTER
That's what we have to put up with!
This is like... Exactly!
It clings to your mouth!
It's like Gaviscon.
This is... this is...
Can we got a slow-mo
of Rob's face just now?
Oh, oh, oh!
And again.
You try some, Jim.
Want a little bit? I...
I'll bring it over, I'll just pop
over here. You can have a little
bit.
Have a little sip. Thanks, man.
Here you go, I'll just pop it there.
Is he going to?
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that's sweaty balls.
I miss my uncle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's see if Christmas TV
is up there.
That's what we were talking about,
Christmas telly!
Oh, my God.
Yes, Christmas telly.
We all love a bit of Christmas TV.
Like the time divorce papers were
handed to someone from EastEnders.
Best Strictly final ever.
If you're a big fan of Doctor Who
and you're looking forward
to the Christmas special,
I don't want to spoil it for you,
but grow up. It's a kids' show.
So those were our favourite
things about Christmas.
But let's not forget office parties.
47% of people say they'd like
to drink less
at the office Christmas party,
but duty calls and
that wastepaper bin
isn't going to shit in itself.
I gave my boss two fingers
at the Christmas party.
She liked it. I got a promotion.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
On Christmas Day in the Philippines,
they eat Edam cheese
and oxtail soup.
So here's a tip - try and avoid
the Philippines on Boxing Day.
We played hide and seek
last Christmas with Nan.
No-one could find her
until the council broke down
her door on January 15th.
Well played, Nana. Well played.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now, before we carry on,
time for a quick bonus round,
everyone's favourite Christmas game,
Sprout Mouth.
The rules are simple. First, put
as many sprouts as you can in
your mouth
and your team-mates have to
guess what you're saying.
The team that guesses the
most phrases are the winners.
OK, Sara, your turn first.
Here's your sprouts.
Here's your questions. There you go.
Thank you. And all you've got
to guess is what Sara is saying.
So I'm going to put as many
in my mouth as I can.
Yeah. OK. That's one.
Oh...
MUFFLED: I don't want
to gag on sprouts.
Well, you're pretty good
with two in.
Do you want me to get a toothbrush?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How many feels right, Sara?
How many...?
Four feels right.
OK, your time starts now.
MUFFLED:
"Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas."
No!
"Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas."
No!
"Do you want to have my baby?"
Sara, if you want to
play your joker,
you could take one sprout out.
Very ladylike.
INDISTINCT
Oh. Cover my big pudding
in bran... brandy butter. Yeah!
That's one. That's one.
Sprout back in. Another one.
OK, here we go.
Hello, everyone.
Is it "Hello, everyone.
Merry Christmas"?
That's Jamie's guess.
He's not going to guess it once,
Sara,
he's going to guess it four times.
Try and dribble a bit more, Sara.
Oh!
Oh, that's not going to help.
What was that? Sock...
Sock. Mm. Oh.
Fuck.
Fuck me.
Glove.
MUFFLED: Stuff.
Dove?
Shove? Sauce?
MUFFLED SHOUT
Love?
Stuff. BOTH: Stuff!
Stuff... My... My... My...
Stocking... Girlfriend?
Stocking. Mm!
Stuff my stocking...
Brilliantly? Filling?
Silly? Mm-hm!
APPLAUSE
And, Rob, this is yours to beat.
There you go, grab those.
Put between 15 and 20 in... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Sara, you did very well,
but I mean, really, you're up
against a pro here. I know.
How many did you have in?
She had four. Four is a lot.
Oh, he's going to get four
in one side.
Oh, my God.
There's so much more room.
He's not even filled the middle!
Look at his mouth! OK, that's six.
He's got six in there. No!
Oh!
Seven. No! No way!
That is nothing to be proud of.
That's too many! No...
No! No!
That's eight! Oh, my God.
Can you get one more in, Rob? Go on!
No, don't! He can't, he can't.
Eight...
Nine!
No, no, no...
No!
Don't do it. What?
Ten! What?!
Rob Beckett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
OK, so here come the phrases.
He's got about eight in there.
I feel like this game was invented
in Harvey Weinstein's hotel room.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Rob, your time starts now.
BOTH: Don't try to tickle
the turkey.
That's right.
Oh, he's adding another
controversial one. Wow.
OK, that's the first one.
He's got one.
Now...?
Is?
Knees? Needs!
Needs!
Now needs...
A...
Naughty?
He needs a naughty curry?
Slowly?
Sherry? Mm!
Nan needs a naughty sherry.
Right two for two.
One more for the win.
Santa... They've gotten smaller.
Sandra? Santa?
Fart? Santa's sack?
Slags. No.
Sags. Shags.
Sags! Oh.
Santa's sack sags...
So slightly. Mm!
Rob is the winner!
Obviously, don't try that at home
because you might choke on
a Brussels sprout,
and that's too hilarious
a way to die.
Also, what did you think
Sandra was up to?
So at the end of all that,
Rob's team have two points,
Sara's team have two points.
That's it for part two,
see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the
8 Out of 10 Cats Christmas special.
Our next round is
Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Ola, Emily,
what do you like the look of?
Those lovely little singers?
OK, you want the singers.
All right. So we asked our studio
audience, what do you prefer?
What do you think?
Carols are rubbish, ain't they?
That fa-la-la-la-la one.
Write a lyric, will you?
It's like a placeholder. We'll think
of something. "Fa-la-la-la-la!"
What is that?
I use it all the time at Christmas.
Just, like, "What day are they
coming for the bins?"
"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!"
That's the best thing about carols,
is that you don't have to know
all of the words to be able to
shout one bit.
That's what's so great about being
at school or being in the choir.
SHE HUMS QUIETLY
SHOUTS: "Five gold rings!"
# Lamb shepherd's pie!
# Banoffee pie, no turkey,
I'm Jamie Laing
# And I'll have a fucking banquet
at mine! #
I think pop songs are better
because then you have...
SHRIEKS: "It's Christmas!"
I always thought Noddy Holder
sounds like a condom.
Like, "Have you got a Noddy Holder?
If not, I'll go to the shop.
"I'm out of Noddys, mate." "I'm not
doing it without a Noddy Holder.
"I've run out of Noddys."
What's so great about that is
if someone was like, "Don't worry,
I've got a Noddy Holder."
I'd be like, I've changed my mind.
I don't want to do it any more.
Noddy Holder! Noddy Holder.
It's depressing when you're single,
when I was single
I'd put a condom in my wallet.
Just in case. Why, for what reason?
So I can have protected sex.
No, he used to put a condom
in his wallet
so he can fuck his wallet safely.
The worst thing was, if you were
going through a bit of a dry patch,
then eventually the leather
in your wallet would form
the shape of the condom
even once you took it out.
It was so degrading, like, oh, look.
What do you prefer?
Carols? Oh, massively prefer carols.
What is the one?
# Rup-pup-pup-ah... #
Sing it all.
No, go on, sing that one.
THEY SING "LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"
# Rum-pum-pum-pum! #
What's that?!
I think if you had a brain injury,
that's how you would sound.
I would pay him, if you did
Christmas carols
at my house, I'd watch for hours.
"You know the one!
# Rum-pum-pum-pum! #"
I like East 17, Stay.
That for me is the perfect Christmas
song, it's got no religion in it.
But you can't like that because
Brian Harvey got addicted to
jacket potatoes and
then ran himself over.
My favourite Christmas song is
Mariah Carey's
All I Want For Christmas
because I love the way she sings it.
How does she sing it?
SINGS NASALLY:
# I just want you for my own
# More than...
Mannn mnnnn comnnnn tunnng... #
HUMS NASALLY, ONLY MOUTHING LYRICS
Your TV's is not broken.
That's how she's doing it.
HUMS, MOUTHING LYRICS
Where's the sound coming out?
You don't want to know, Rob,
you don't want to know.
The sound is falling out of her.
The more time I spend with you,
the more I think your dad
might be just normal.
Maybe you're the problem.
A favourite Christmas song,
what do you like, Ola?
I like to buy all the Africa
charity singles
they release at Christmas.
I just find it a much easier way
to send money home.
When is someone going to ask me
to do one of those, honestly?
I just think I'm so up for it.
I mean, I like just like in general,
when the carollers come to my house,
I like to...
I like to look through them
and try and spot which
one could go solo.
Start planting ideas
in his head.
"Don't waste your time with
these lot. You can go far.
"You can go far
if you apply yourself."
It's a bit awkward when they're
just standing there singing,
you're just looking at them going...
They're just going "Brightly shone!"
in your face.
What do you think people prefer?
Christmas carols or pop songs?
Rob? I think pop songs.
What are you gonna go for?
I think it's carols.
SHRIEKS: # Pop songs! #
I'm with carols with you. I've
been outvoted. You're going carols.
You're going pop songs.
Well, I can tell you the answer is
70% of our studio audience
prefer Christmas pop songs.
Band Aid famously asked,
Do They Know It's Christmas?
And the answer is no. So you don't
have to get them anything.
So the end of that round
it's three points for Rob's team
and two points for Sara's team.
That's it for part three,
see you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of
10 Cats Christmas Special.
And The Winner Is is the name
of our final round.
Here's your first one...
Ooh.
BUZZER
Sort my arse out.
Would that be my resolution
or yours? It's mine. Because
if it's yours, that's OK.
If it's mine,
it seems a bit aggressive.
Yeah, accusatory.
GRUFFLY: Gonna sort her arse out!
It's whatever you want it
to be, Jimmy.
Merry Christmas.
What do you think - the most common
resolution?
I reckon it's to break
up with someone. What?! Yes.
Come on. Your Christmases
are so depressing.
I once broke up with someone
on Christmas Eve. No!
And we still lived together and we
didn't have anywhere else to go -
had to spend Christmas with him
and I hadn't bought him any gifts
because I knew
what we were breaking up.
And then I had to sit there
and unwrap the things
that he'd bought me... Yeee!
Was there a little
bit of you that thought,
I'm going to break up with him,
because then I know
I don't have to do the shopping?
No, it wasn't...
Why did you just smile
before you said no?
Because that was just
a handy side-effect.
What about you, Jamie?
Writing thank-you letters.
You are so posh!
Or passing driving tests.
How many? Guess how many times
I've booked my theory test.
Four. I would say seven.
51.
There's no way...
51 times you've booked your theory
test. How many times
have you done the theory test?
Three.
It's because you've spent too much
time learning how to ride ponies.
No, it's not! Green is go, red is
stop,
if there's a roundabout, wait
for the cars. You're fine.
This is why Prince Philip
ran someone over.
Ola, have you got a New Year's
resolution?
I asked my wife, actually.
what her New Year's resolution
was and she said, this year,
she'd like to be married to a guy
who was one stone lighter.
Nice! So the turkey's
going to live.
I feel your pain there, like, every
year, it's my thing.
I say, right, come on.
People online, they call me fat all
the time. I write,
but what you don't realise, I go to
the gym every single January.
The worst thing I've ever done
is I found myself on January the 1st
struggling down a really busy high
street trying to carry
an exercise bike home with me.
Why don't you just get a real bike
and ride home?
Spitballing ideas here, I know.
OK, it's related to that. What else?
What's your New Year's resolution?
This year,
I really want to get into my
skateboarding again.
Oh, fuck off!
Just crack on with it.
By the end of the year, I want
to be able to do a half-pipe.
Next year, full-pipe.
Year after that, pipe and a half.
Ultimately, I want you to see
this face
when you look up the word "gnarly".
JIMMY CACKLES
I reckon you're more of
a rollerblader, though.
I can see you rollerblading.
Rollerblading, yeah,
I used to have a pair of
Bauers back in the day.
Did you just wink at me
about your rollerblades?
Yeah, I don't know why.
I don't know, I don't wink enough.
Mate, that'll be it,
I'm going to wink more.
It really suits you, winking.
Yeah. Do a sexy
I've-just-met-you wink at me.
Sexy one?
I just think that you will
remember me.
I can't imagine you flirting.
I'd find it the funniest thing
in the world to watch you.
Yeah, you wouldn't normally
be my target.
Target?! Nice.
Or victim. You know,
target or victim.
Jamie, do you even have to flirt?
Do you just bring your bank
statement?
I don't know how. Well,
flirting... How do you meet people?
Um... Romantically.
I go, "Are you all right?"
And then you would say? Fine.
Sweet, that's it. Done.
It got me, it got me. It got you?
So you make sweets
and that's like the most
disgusting flirty thing.
You have vegan ones.
We are vegan, we're vegan, yeah.
That's me flirting. I've already
got laid. Here we go.
That wasn't sex. Oh!
I remember the first time I ever
went to, er, second... second base
with a girl. I was really excited.
I was like, "Oh, that's..."
Came back to school
and it was like a Western.
I went and kicked open the door.
All the boys. I went, "Boys,
you'll never guess what, I'm a man."
And then when I told them the story,
they said, "What happened?"
I said, well, this has happened,
I said,
"And you know when you,
er, go inside
"and you find the clitoris?"
And they went, "What?!"
Turns out the clitoris
wasn't inside.
That's what I found out. Right?
Yeah, yeah.
Having sex with the girl
is like going into a cockpit
and trying to land a plane.
Jamie, don't call it a cockpit.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, most common New Year's
resolution? Is it about smoking?
I feel that's a boring one...
Smoking is number two.
Very close with
the gym. Losing weight?
That's the right answer.
Yes, the most common New Year's
resolution is to lose weight.
The top-three resolutions are lose
weight, do more exercise
and stop smoking.
So the best thing to do is run
down to the shops, buy some
cigarettes and eat them.
BUZZER
Well, that sound tells me it's
the end of the show, which means
the final scores are Sara,
Jamie and Natasia have two points.
Rob, Ola and Emily are the winners
with four points.
Thanks to our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience,
and to all watching at home. That's
it from us. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media