7th Heaven (1996–2007): Season 2, Episode 14 - Red Tape - full transcript
Matt is as surprised about the sudden stream of calls from girls as his sisters about the cause, a dating ad in the school paper he knew nothing about, yet the editor refuses to retract it. Simon and Ruthie try out a pet products credit-card sent on dog Happy's name. Eric abuses a health crisis of tax official Smith, who is near retirement, to make him rectify an erroneous tax debt transfer.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What?
- You know what.
- Girls.
Mom, it's my sweater
and I haven't even worn it.
- Yes, you have.
- Ask next time, okay, Luce?
And would the rest of you
please behave?
ANNIE: Where are your manners?
- I don't know. At home?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Mmm.
This is the first time in ages
that I've had the pleasure
of being served instead of serving,
and I intend to enjoy it.
So everybody just settle down
and act polite and civilised.
Okay, but why can't we just drive
through someplace
where we get a toy with our lunch?
Because Mr. Harrison,
the man
who owns this lovely restaurant,
is treating us to lunch.
Why?
Because Daddy's working
with the food bank
that Mr. Harrison donates food to
and he gave Daddy coupons
for seven free meals. Isn't that great?
No, I like the free food at home.
Yeah,
but you can't get surf and turf at home.
You can't get it here.
They serve it Friday.
There's plenty to choose from.
Choose something else.
But I was set on surf and turf.
What? I'm disappointed.
I'm sure you know what that feels like.
Like every night
while you're sitting by the phone
hoping Deena Nash will call,
but she never does.
Let's not talk about my love life.
- Ah. Now that would be boring.
- And spoil our appetites.
I knew it.
- I didn't do it, she did it.
- Sorry.
Everybody ready to order?
It's Sunday
so I think I'll have a sundae.
You need to eat something
besides ice cream, dear.
Okay, make that
a piece of chocolate cream pie
and a sundae.
Heh-heh. She'll have spaghetti
and a small salad and milk to drink.
Sorry, that's the early bird special.
It's too early for the early bird.
I'll have the fried chicken
and instead of mashed potatoes,
I want fries.
No substitutions.
Chicken comes with mashed,
the swordfish comes with fries.
Oh. Okay, I like swordfish
and I like mashed potatoes,
so I'll have the swordfish and then
I'll switch my potatoes with Mary.
If you will be so kind as to just
put them on the side, please...
- ...Harriet.
- I can't, they come on the plate.
If they came on the side,
they'd be sides.
I'll have a cheeseburger,
no fries and a shake.
- The fries come with it.
- I don't want them.
- Have the fries. Mary will eat them.
- You were giving her your fries.
What's the difference
if you don't want them?
You know what, why don't I give you all
another minute to decide?
- But I'm hungry.
- No, it's okay, Harriet.
I think everyone's ready to order.
Aren't we, everyone?
A hot turkey sandwich on a roll.
All the trimmings.
It comes on white toast.
Why can't she have the roll
instead of white toast?
Oh, I know, no substitutions.
Sorry, ma'am.
I don't make rules, I just follow them.
Can I change my order
to surf and turf?
They don't have surf and turf today.
Simon's getting it.
- No, I'm thinking pancakes now.
- Pancakes are breakfast.
You can only get breakfast
at breakfast.
- You know, this free lunch is a bust.
- You have coupons for a free lunch?
Yeah, from the owner, Mr. Harrison.
Why didn't you say that?
Can I see the coupons?
Oh, yes.
This is only good
for the blue-plate special.
Okay.
So, what's the blue-plate special?
Grilled liver and onions.
Ewww.
Ugh.
Then we'll have seven
liver and onion specials, please.
And we'll be very happy
to have them.
We will?
[DOOR OPENS]
What?
How about a "please"?
Okay. Please give me the toast.
Would you like to say thank you?
I guess.
You better get that stain
out of my sweater.
- Don't worry, Mom will get it out.
- I won't.
- I don't like the way I was asked.
- I didn't exactly ask you.
- That's my point.
LUCY: Okay.
Mom, would you please wash
Mary's precious sweater
and get the stain out?
No, I won't.
You should do it.
You borrowed it without asking.
I'd like you all to sit down.
I have something very important
to say.
- What are we doing?
- We're getting a lesson in manners.
[RUTHIE GROANS]
Happy, you may be excused.
Your manners are impeccable.
After watching all of you
at lunch yesterday,
I think it's time to remind you
that manners are important.
I think you should start
by being more polite and considerate
and you can start by saying please
and thank you.
- What's next, good citizenship?
- How about good grooming?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Laugh if you want, but fair warning.
I'm going on a good manners binge.
- Are we going with you?
- Oh, yes.
Where are we going?
To a place we've been
many times before.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Excuse me.
You talk to them.
Just do whatever she said.
Hey, he didn't say please.
I wonder how long
this manners binge is gonna last.
For the rest of our lives.
So let's just humour her
and try to take it seriously.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I don't know when our family
spun out of control.
- You're referring to lunch yesterday?
- I'm referring to lunch yesterday.
I am not gonna allow them
to behave like that.
When was last time you heard
please or thank you come out of them?
Don't give me the
"they're-not-on-drugs" speech.
I'm not going to lower the bar
to they're-not-on-drugs.
They can do better than that
and we're gonna see to it.
- Don't you agree?
- Of course.
- I just got other priorities right now.
- Oh, meaning the food bank.
- Of course, that is a bigger priority.
- I didn't say bigger. I said, other.
You know, the little priorities
feed the big priorities.
If everyone were polite
and considerate,
there'd be enough food
to feed the world.
[SILENCE]
ANNIE:
I heard that.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
"Looking for a nice girl
to share my senior year with.
555-0159. Ask for Matt."
Matt? Our Matt?
It's our phone number.
He really is desperate.
This is pathetic.
- So, what was that look about?
BOTH: Nothing.
No, it was something.
What are you two up to?
We're not up to anything.
Huh.
- Poor guy.
- Poor?
Tragic.
[GIRLS MURMURING]
GIRL 1:
Cute.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
No, Matt's not home right now,
he's at school.
Yes, I can take a message.
Okay, where can he reach you?
All right.
[CHUCKLES]
No, I won't forget.
Okay, thank you.
Ah. Bill, junk. Bill, junk.
Wow.
Look,
something for Happy Camden.
[GASPS]
Wow. Look.
It's your first credit card.
Oh. Sorry, they made a mistake.
I'm afraid
you're gonna have to continue
making your purchases with cash,
just like the rest of the family.
[BARKING]
Excuse me, sir.
- Hey, there. How you doing?
- Fine, thank you.
I'm Eric Camden.
- The-- The Reverend Eric Camden.
- I'm just a kid. Clarence Fields.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh.
Do you happen to know
where the Beanie Weenies are?
I can't find them.
They're usually in Aisle 2.
Gee, I-- I don't know.
I'll ask the manager.
Thank you. I'd appreciate it, sir.
No problem, Clarence.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN 1: Two more cases.
Want to bring them down?
Hey, Jimmy.
There's this really polite little kid
over there.
He's looking for Beanie Weenies
and I didn't have the heart to ask him
what organisation he's with.
I think he's asking for himself,
actually.
Clarence. He's a sweet kid.
Comes in every day after school
and picks up a can and leaves.
Just let him take what he wants.
He needs the food.
Where's his mom?
Don't know, don't ask.
If all he wants is a can of Beanie
Weenies, I figure that's least I can do.
Besides,
the kid's too polite to refuse.
- Found it. Thank you.
- It's okay.
Will there be anything else today,
Clarence?
No, this should do it.
See you tomorrow.
Nice meeting you, Reverend.
Same here.
- Thank you.
MAN 1: Yeah, I got it right here.
MAN 2:
Put it with the others.
Want me to finish up here so you
can follow Clarence and get his story?
What makes you think I wanna
follow Clarence and get his story?
You're a very nosy guy.
A nice guy, but a nosy guy.
[CHUCKLES]
You got quite a few calls
this afternoon.
Oh, yeah? Thank you.
You're welcome.
How was your day, anyway?
Girls kept coming up to me
and doing this thing with their eyes
and giggling and stuff. It was weird.
- I don't even know these people.
- Why do you think they're calling?
I have no idea.
But I bet I know who does.
MARY: What's this?
- Your sweater.
I'm gonna wash it, don't worry.
I hung it so it wouldn't get dirtier.
How could it get any dirtier
hanging up?
- I don't know, but it sounded good.
- No.
What sounds good is:
"Hey, Mary, guess what.
I'm just on my way downstairs
to hand wash your sweater
in cold water
just like it says on the instructions."
- What do you two know about this?
- It's okay, we know.
- Know what?
- The ad. The whole school knows.
The personal ad
in the school newspaper.
- Personal ad for what?
- You.
You should've told us,
we would have fixed you up.
Oh. Good cover.
Pretending I did it
so I wouldn't think you two did it.
- We didn't do it.
- Uh-huh. I certainly didn't do it.
Only idiots put personal ads
in the school paper. I'm not idiot.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Evidently you are. It's for you.
Tell them I'm not home.
Please.
Not home, sorry.
Yeah, I can take a number.
And I'd better not find out
you two are lying.
Come on, Happy.
SIMON:
Wow, check this out.
I wonder why Mom
would throw this away.
You're right,
she probably had her reasons.
So we'll just keep this
between you and me, okay?
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
All right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[DOOR CLOSES]
WOMAN:
Come on, honey, let's go.
Come on.
[BABY CRYING]
Clarence? Are--?
It's Reverend Camden, are--?
Are you in there?
[DOOR UNLOCKS]
- Hey, how are you?
- I'm fine.
I just came by to see
if you or your family need anything.
No, thanks.
- Is your mom or dad home?
- I can't say.
You don't know if they're home?
No, if I told you
that no one was home,
that wouldn't be good.
That wouldn't be safe.
You're absolutely right.
So I'll go home
and come back another time
when your mom's here.
Wait! Don't leave.
Maybe you could sit by the door
for a while until my mom gets home.
It gets scary around here by myself.
What time does your mom get home?
Nighttime.
Yeah, okay, Clarence.
I can do that.
I'll just hang out here for a while.
[PEOPLE ARGUING]
WOMAN:
No, I do.
What about doggie boots
to keep your paws dry when it rains?
It's been raining a lot
because of El Neato.
That's El Niño,
and there's nothing neat about it.
Yes, there is, these doggie boots.
Look, we don't even know
if the credit card's real.
- It looks real.
- Oh, hey, there's an 800 number.
I guess we can call it and find out
just for the fun of it, right?
[DIALLING]
Remember, be polite.
Shh. It's ringing.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome to Eddie Bowzer.
Please dial your number
on your credit card
to verify your account.
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
Thank you. Please press the number
of the item you have selected.
Quick, the item number.
"B-9-8."
Thank you.
Please press three
if you want overnight delivery
for an additional $10 charge.
Do we want overnight mail
for an additional $10 charge?
You bet.
Thank you.
[DIAL TONE]
- What?
- She said thank you, then hung up.
- You didn't say, "You're welcome."
- I couldn't. It was a recording.
One set of doggie boots coming up.
- Yay!
- Don't get too excited.
- Now we gotta call back and cancel.
- Why would we cancel?
Because once Mom finds out
who ordered boots,
we're gonna end up paying for them.
I don't have any money
and Happy doesn't have any money.
Exactly. I have money.
So like I said, we'll be cancelling.
There's gotta be a number in here
where I can talk to a living person.
SIMON:
Here. Customer service.
[DIALLING, LINE RINGS]
WOMAN:
Eddie Bowzer.
Hello?
- I got a living person this time.
- Good.
Yeah, how can I help you?
Hi, I'd like to cancel an order
I placed.
Are you 18? You don't sound 18.
No, no, I'm not 18, but--
Sorry, no can do.
What?
She won't talk to me
because I'm not 18.
You got 4.99?
Yeah, plus shipping.
Tell me that's not my sweater
in the dryer.
The label says fluff dry.
- You're sure?
- Absolutely positive.
MARY:
Huh.
[CLINKING]
What are you eating in there?
- Beanie Weenies?
- Mm-hm.
- You want some?
- Oh, no, thanks.
You like those, huh?
Nature's perfect food.
It's got all your major food groups,
beans and weenies.
Don't get me wrong.
My mom takes care of me.
She leaves me dinner.
But I still like to top it off
with something tasty.
Beanie Weenies.
- Huh-- Whoa!
- What the hell are you doing?
I-- Lady, I-- I--
I can explain. I can explain.
- Harriet?
- Seven liver and onions?
Mom, this is the Reverend Camden.
He's a minister
and I still didn't let him in.
That's good, Clarence.
Reverend Camden,
this is my mother, Miss Harriet Fields.
Let us both in now, Clarence,
before I collapse.
- How's my baby?
- Good, Mom, really good.
Mmm.
Come on in, Reverend. Have a seat.
There's nothing I enjoy more
than entertaining strange guests
after a 14-hour workday.
HARRIET: Can I get you anything?
- No, nothing, I'm fine.
I'm sorry if I'm intruding.
It's just that
I ran into Clarence at the...
...front door of the building.
And there was a bunch
of rough-looking people around,
so I just offered to hang out with him
till you got home.
Yeah,
it's a pretty rough neighbourhood.
Thanks.
That was very considerate of you.
It's okay.
- It's just you and Clarence here, huh?
- Yeah, just us.
Must be pretty tough
raising a kid alone.
HARRIET:
Mm-hm. It's tough.
You know, you are one nosy guy,
I could tell that at the restaurant.
I just, uh...
Yeah, I-- I am.
I don't know, I just-- I just sensed there
might be something I could do here.
HARRIET: I doubt it.
- I said, might.
There might be something
I could do.
I'm too tired to drag this out,
so let me give you the short version.
About three years ago,
I fell in love with a man
who loved me and loved Clarence.
So we got married
and everything was sweet.
Until shortly after April 15th
when we filed a joint tax return.
He went to mail it
and never came back.
Because?
Because the lying fool owed the IRS
a boatload of money
and hadn't bothered to tell me.
Just like he hadn't bothered to tell me
he was still married to his first wife.
- I see.
- Oh, no. You don't see yet.
The IRS came after him.
Couldn't find him,
so they came after me.
But you weren't legally married,
so you're not responsible
for his back taxes.
Yeah, tell that to the IRS.
They got their hands on my bank
account and kept freezing it
until I cried Uncle Sam.
I set up a payment schedule,
Clarence and I moved into this dump
and I took a second job waitressing.
I teach ninth grade science,
but I needed something that paid cash.
I figured if they ever froze
my account again,
we could live on tips
until I straighten it out again. Oh.
I'm sorry
about the no-substitutions thing.
It's just that if we substitute, we pay,
and I just couldn't afford it.
Especially with that brood you've got.
I understand completely.
Do you have the name and number
of whoever you talked to at the IRS?
Mr. Smith.
I don't think it's gonna help you.
It seems like everybody at the IRS
is named Mr. Smith.
Well, let me try.
Yeah, Mom, let him try.
You can't actually see these people
in person, they're collectors.
You only talk to them on the telephone
and believe me, it's no fun.
Well, just give me his number
and I'll give it a shot.
Okay.
This could be the answer
to my prayers, Reverend.
I gotta get down to the IRS.
- You're gonna go through with it?
- Oh, you bet.
- Don't lose your temper.
- I'm not gonna lose my temper. Why?
You get mad
when you fill out tax forms.
This is about somebody else's taxes.
I'll be fine.
[CHUCKLES]
I will. I promise.
Mary, Lucy.
I hate being rushed.
Mom, I need a ride to the mall
after school.
Try, "Mom, would you please take me
to the mall this afternoon?"
Mom, would you please take me
to the mall after school? Please?
I'm sorry, I can't.
That's two days in a row
you've set me up.
It's completely unintentional,
I'm focusing on please and thank you.
Well, ask Matt to drive you.
He's not gonna take me anywhere.
He thinks we put the ad in the paper.
Maybe if you ask him more politely.
Why? It didn't work with you.
Tsk.
What? It didn't.
I'd like to come in
and discuss Harriet Fields' case.
Are you familiar with it?
MAN: Yes, I'm familiar with her case,
but I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
She can set up a meeting
with a representative.
Oh, she's already talked
with a representative
and she's still having a problem.
See, she's paying off a debt
that she doesn't owe.
Everybody's got a story to try
and get out of meeting obligations.
Take it up with a representative.
Well, there's just so much red tape.
I'd like to speak to somebody
who can actually help her.
That's what red tape is for.
Makes you stick to the rules.
Oh, oh, that's what red tape is for,
I've always wondered.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mr. Smith?
- Yes?
- Hi.
So you actually are Mr. Smith.
- Do I know you?
- We were just on the phone.
Oh, brother.
I'm Reverend Eric Camden
and I'd like to talk to you
about Harriet Fields.
Leonard, I want a retraction. I want
you to print a correction in the paper
saying I didn't place that ad.
And I wanna know who did place it.
- Can't do it.
- What?
The apology
or tell who placed the ad?
Both. We can't run an apology
because it would look like a mistake
and it wasn't a mistake.
And I can't tell you
who placed the ad.
I have to protect my sources.
It's my journalistic prerogative.
- Look, I'm going to the principal.
- You can't threaten me.
I'm protected by the first amendment
of the Constitution
of the United States.
I cannot and will not
reveal my sources.
If you come near me again
on school property,
I'm going to the principal.
[SIGHS]
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Whoa.
Somebody's been busy.
What the--? What--?
Oh, here. Okay.
[DIALLING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Eddie Bowzer, how can I help you?
Well, I received a credit card
in the mail
and I'm afraid
there's been a mistake,
because it was issued
to our dog, Happy.
Yeah, so?
Well, so I'd like to cancel the card.
Ooh. That could be a problem.
Why is that?
It's took a lot of paperwork
when obviously
the dog can't use the card.
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, can the dog use the phone?
Can the dog enter the code
for the merchandise?
Listen, no offence, but may I speak
with a supervisor, please?
I am a supervisor.
Look, lady,
can't you just tear up the card?
I could, but what if something's
already been ordered with the card?
Then I'll assume
you've got a very smart dog.
- A very smart dog with red rain boots.
- Cool.
Cool? She doesn't have the money
to pay for them.
Then Eddie Bowzer Catalogues
lost a couple bucks.
Have a nice day.
[DIAL TONE]
Oh, well. Pray for rain.
[BARKS]
Do you have a receipt?
I'd have to have a receipt.
No, my sister didn't keep the receipt.
So it's not even your sweater?
No, I borrowed the sweater
from my sister and I got a stain on it,
so I washed it according to the
instructions and it shrank down to this.
So could I please
get my money back?
I'd really appreciate it.
- See the sign?
- Could I possibly get a store credit?
Another sweater, anything?
- Please.
- Sorry.
WOMAN: You know,
we can check out the shoe...
TEEN: Mama.
WOMAN: Okay.
Why would she agree
to pay a debt that wasn't hers?
Because she couldn't get you guys
off her back.
Look.
This isn't your problem.
And quite frankly,
it's not mine anymore.
I'm retiring.
In 14 business days, I'm out of here.
Then you have 14 days
to take another look at this file.
The man swindled her.
This is a woman
with a young child
who had to move out her own home,
into a rundown apartment building
to pay off some guy's debt
she doesn't even owe.
Not only is that unfair,
it can't possibly be legal.
I'm not leaving here
till we resolve this.
It is resolved.
It has been resolved.
There is no more resolving.
SMITH: Oh, God.
- What is it?
My chest.
I think it's my heart.
- Somebody call 911!
- Uhn!
Right, that would be me.
[MOANING]
Stay with me, Mr. Smith.
Hang in there. You're gonna be fine.
What? Yes, I'll hold, but hurry.
[MOANING]
- Where's the insurance information?
- I left my wallet in my desk.
He obviously has insurance.
He's a federal employee.
Sorry, there's no proof
of employment or insurance.
You have to go
to the county hospital.
He's having a heart attack.
- This is an emergency.
- Sorry.
I can't admit him without proof
of insurance. Those are the rules.
All right, all right, don't worry.
I'll call, have somebody
bring your wallet.
- Who should I call?
- I don't know.
I've never called the office before
except to call in sick
and that was voice mail.
- Never mind. I'll go over there myself.
- Please hurry.
I'll be right back, okay?
Don't worry. If anything happens,
at least you're in a hospital.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
- May we have a snack, please?
- And thank you in advance.
Of course you can,
especially since you asked so nicely.
And you know what? Maybe Happy
might like a snack too. Happy?
Mom, you know I only feed Happy
once a day.
A little biscuit couldn't hurt.
Happy?
[HAPPY BARKS]
[PANTING]
Oh, would you like a snack?
[ANNIE CHUCKLES]
There's something different
about that dog.
- Probably the boots.
- Yeah, I wonder where she got them.
In the mail today. Overnight express.
I wonder how that happened.
Oh, my guess is that Happy
ordered them with her credit card.
Really?
Yeah, the catalogue was opened
right to the picture.
I guess we should cancel the card,
huh, Mom?
Well, I tried to cancel,
but the operator was so rude
to me on the phone,
I think Happy
will just keep those boots.
I wonder if Happy
will order anything else.
Not if she knows
what's good for her.
Believe me, she does.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.
I mean, for not yelling at us
and punishing us or anything.
- I know what you mean.
- You know,
I think I'm gonna go up
to my room now and do my homework.
I'll probably be up there
for a really long time,
really concentrating hard on it.
Good for you.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Ah. No, Matt's not here,
he went to the mall.
Can I take a message? Oh.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, as a matter of fact,
he just walked in.
Hold on, please.
Hey, how's it going?
- Did you take back the sweater?
- The store manager wouldn't take it.
And I was as polite
as I could possibly be.
Looks like Lucy
is just gonna have to pay for it.
Right, Mom?
If you watch the kids, I can go back
to the store and give it a shot.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks a lot.
You know,
I can't promise you anything,
but you never know.
I can only try my best.
Oh, and by the way,
the girl on the phone?
Deena Nash.
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A.]
Okay, here.
Here's his insurance information.
You want to admit him now?
Have a seat
while I complete paperwork.
The man's having a heart attack.
He's been sitting there for half an hour.
You want me to have a seat?
I-- Oh.
Excuse me, I think this man
is having a heart attack.
Could you please help him out
while this nurse is doing paperwork?
Okay, you wait here.
I'll take care of him.
Come.
- Hello, may I help you?
- Well, I hope so, thank you.
My daughter bought
this sweater here
and she washed it according
to the instructions on the label
and this is what happened.
I'd be happy to take it back
if you have a receipt.
I don't have a receipt,
but I thought you could exchange it
maybe for store credit
or another sweater.
Not unless you have a receipt.
May I please see the manager?
I am the manager.
Okay, what about the owner?
How would I reach the owner?
- You're talking to her.
- Hmm.
So as the owner of the store,
do you think you could possibly change
the store policy
to meet the needs of the customer?
If I change the store policy for you,
I'd have to change it for everyone.
- Whoa, whoa!
WOMAN: Oh.
Careful when you wash that
or it'll look like this. Uh-huh.
- Whoa.
- Hmm.
Mm-hm.
WOMAN 1:
You won't be needing that, huh?
Let's put it back. Yeah.
Would you like the leave now, ma'am,
or should I call security?
I'm just trying to return a sweater.
You're just trying
to cause a disturbance.
Cause disturbance? You want
disturbance, here's disturbance.
Whatever happened
to common decency?
Whatever happened to service
and a simple,
"Thank you for shopping here"?
What happened to a store standing
behind the merchandise it sells?
[CUSTOMERS CHATTERING]
Whatever happened to truth, justice
and the American store taking returns?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'll tell you what happened.
People started shoplifting
and then returning things for cash.
Or buying things and wearing them
and then returning them for no reason.
Profits started coming down
and insurance rates started going up.
So shop owners
had to look for merchandise
with a higher mark up.
What do you want
from a $12 sweater?
Whatever happened to,
"You get what you pay for"?
If the manufacturer doesn't stand up
for the merchandise,
why should I get stuck?
I've got kids to feed too, you know.
That's what happened
to this American store taking returns.
WOMAN 1: Oh, my God.
WOMAN 2: I don't know.
WOMAN 3: Let's go.
WOMAN 4: Yeah, I think so.
[SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
Still, it would be very nice
if you could take this back.
Fine.
I'll give you your money back.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Could I buy you a cup of coffee?
[CHUCKLES]
I would love a cup of coffee,
but I don't have anyone
to watch the store.
I can bring you a cup.
How do you like it?
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A.]
Mmm!
- Excuse me, doctor.
- Yeah.
How's he doing?
Oh, it's not a heart attack.
It's heartburn.
Plain, simple heartburn.
Well, is he in any danger
of having a heart attack?
No, I don't think so,
but we're keeping him overnight
just to make sure
today doesn't give him one.
- Were you going to tell him that?
- Yeah.
Could you do me a favour?
Could you give me maybe
15 minutes with him first?
Sure, yeah.
Thank you very much.
Here. Thanks, yeah.
[KNOCK]
[SIGHS]
- We have to talk.
- Fine, come in.
No, I'd rather talk close to the door.
- You see, I placed the ad.
- What?
I figured that if a guy like you
used our Personals,
then it would become cool and maybe
other students would wanna do it.
I'm sorry. I had no idea
it would cause so many problems.
The thing is, if I run a retraction,
it will undo everything I worked for.
So I'd really appreciate it if you could
just forget about the whole thing.
[SIGHS]
Why not?
Really?
- Just like that?
- Yeah, you apologised.
You asked nicely.
What else can I do?
Well, you could tell him the truth.
Deena called him. Deena Nash.
Wow, congratulations.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
LEONARD: You're there.
- Right.
[SIGHS]
So, Matt,
do you have anything to say to us?
Something in the nature
of an apology maybe?
I'm sorry I accused you
of doing something you didn't do.
Oh, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
- We forgive you.
- Huh.
I can't believe
you got Deena to call him.
How did you do it?
I said please. I said thank you.
I did her math homework.
[CHUCKLES]
It's just that if I have to have
a heart operation,
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
Is there anyone I can call for you?
- No. I don't have any family.
- Hmm.
My wife left me years ago.
We never had any kids.
I gave my life to my job,
collecting money for the IRS.
Not an unnoble cause.
Providing, of course,
that people actually owe money
to the United States and the IRS.
By people, you mean Harriet Fields.
Oh, God,
I can't go into open heart surgery
with that on my conscience.
Yeah, it's a tough one.
It's funny. Once you think
you're gonna lose your life,
you wanna change it all.
I--
I get a lot of that in my line of work.
Problem is not many people
get a chance to change it all.
Of course, for you, Mr. Smith,
it may not be too late.
What's this?
I figured as long I was in your office,
I'd just pick up Harriet's file.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Dear Lord,
don't let this be bad news.
Dear Lord.
Oh, look, what a coincidence, huh?
Harriet Fields, I'd like you to meet
Mr. Smith of the IRS.
- This is Harriet?
- And her son, Clarence.
Nice to meet you.
What did you do to him?
I think Mr. Smith might have
something to tell you, Harriet.
Harriet.
I am sorry that I didn't take care
of your problem before,
but I'm going to take care of it
right now.
I promise.
If the big auditor upstairs
lets me live,
I am going to get this
all straightened out.
Straightened out
like no more payments
or straightened out
like I have a refund coming?
You'll get a refund. A big one.
SMITH:
Every penny.
Oh, this is gonna be
a lot of red tape,
but I will cut through it, Ms. Fields,
so help me, God.
This time next week,
the cheque is in the mail.
Thank you, Mr. Smith.
[DOOR OPENS]
Tell me the bad news, doctor.
The bad news is you're gonna have
to spend your retirement taking it easy,
losing a little weight,
watching your diet.
- And the good news?
- You don't need to have heart surgery.
- I don't?
DOCTOR: No. You should be fine.
But I would like you to stay overnight
for observation.
I'll check back with you
a little bit later.
It's a miracle.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, it is a miracle.
No hard feelings?
Please.
Thank you.
What?
- You know what.
- Girls.
Mom, it's my sweater
and I haven't even worn it.
- Yes, you have.
- Ask next time, okay, Luce?
And would the rest of you
please behave?
ANNIE: Where are your manners?
- I don't know. At home?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Mmm.
This is the first time in ages
that I've had the pleasure
of being served instead of serving,
and I intend to enjoy it.
So everybody just settle down
and act polite and civilised.
Okay, but why can't we just drive
through someplace
where we get a toy with our lunch?
Because Mr. Harrison,
the man
who owns this lovely restaurant,
is treating us to lunch.
Why?
Because Daddy's working
with the food bank
that Mr. Harrison donates food to
and he gave Daddy coupons
for seven free meals. Isn't that great?
No, I like the free food at home.
Yeah,
but you can't get surf and turf at home.
You can't get it here.
They serve it Friday.
There's plenty to choose from.
Choose something else.
But I was set on surf and turf.
What? I'm disappointed.
I'm sure you know what that feels like.
Like every night
while you're sitting by the phone
hoping Deena Nash will call,
but she never does.
Let's not talk about my love life.
- Ah. Now that would be boring.
- And spoil our appetites.
I knew it.
- I didn't do it, she did it.
- Sorry.
Everybody ready to order?
It's Sunday
so I think I'll have a sundae.
You need to eat something
besides ice cream, dear.
Okay, make that
a piece of chocolate cream pie
and a sundae.
Heh-heh. She'll have spaghetti
and a small salad and milk to drink.
Sorry, that's the early bird special.
It's too early for the early bird.
I'll have the fried chicken
and instead of mashed potatoes,
I want fries.
No substitutions.
Chicken comes with mashed,
the swordfish comes with fries.
Oh. Okay, I like swordfish
and I like mashed potatoes,
so I'll have the swordfish and then
I'll switch my potatoes with Mary.
If you will be so kind as to just
put them on the side, please...
- ...Harriet.
- I can't, they come on the plate.
If they came on the side,
they'd be sides.
I'll have a cheeseburger,
no fries and a shake.
- The fries come with it.
- I don't want them.
- Have the fries. Mary will eat them.
- You were giving her your fries.
What's the difference
if you don't want them?
You know what, why don't I give you all
another minute to decide?
- But I'm hungry.
- No, it's okay, Harriet.
I think everyone's ready to order.
Aren't we, everyone?
A hot turkey sandwich on a roll.
All the trimmings.
It comes on white toast.
Why can't she have the roll
instead of white toast?
Oh, I know, no substitutions.
Sorry, ma'am.
I don't make rules, I just follow them.
Can I change my order
to surf and turf?
They don't have surf and turf today.
Simon's getting it.
- No, I'm thinking pancakes now.
- Pancakes are breakfast.
You can only get breakfast
at breakfast.
- You know, this free lunch is a bust.
- You have coupons for a free lunch?
Yeah, from the owner, Mr. Harrison.
Why didn't you say that?
Can I see the coupons?
Oh, yes.
This is only good
for the blue-plate special.
Okay.
So, what's the blue-plate special?
Grilled liver and onions.
Ewww.
Ugh.
Then we'll have seven
liver and onion specials, please.
And we'll be very happy
to have them.
We will?
[DOOR OPENS]
What?
How about a "please"?
Okay. Please give me the toast.
Would you like to say thank you?
I guess.
You better get that stain
out of my sweater.
- Don't worry, Mom will get it out.
- I won't.
- I don't like the way I was asked.
- I didn't exactly ask you.
- That's my point.
LUCY: Okay.
Mom, would you please wash
Mary's precious sweater
and get the stain out?
No, I won't.
You should do it.
You borrowed it without asking.
I'd like you all to sit down.
I have something very important
to say.
- What are we doing?
- We're getting a lesson in manners.
[RUTHIE GROANS]
Happy, you may be excused.
Your manners are impeccable.
After watching all of you
at lunch yesterday,
I think it's time to remind you
that manners are important.
I think you should start
by being more polite and considerate
and you can start by saying please
and thank you.
- What's next, good citizenship?
- How about good grooming?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Laugh if you want, but fair warning.
I'm going on a good manners binge.
- Are we going with you?
- Oh, yes.
Where are we going?
To a place we've been
many times before.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Excuse me.
You talk to them.
Just do whatever she said.
Hey, he didn't say please.
I wonder how long
this manners binge is gonna last.
For the rest of our lives.
So let's just humour her
and try to take it seriously.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I don't know when our family
spun out of control.
- You're referring to lunch yesterday?
- I'm referring to lunch yesterday.
I am not gonna allow them
to behave like that.
When was last time you heard
please or thank you come out of them?
Don't give me the
"they're-not-on-drugs" speech.
I'm not going to lower the bar
to they're-not-on-drugs.
They can do better than that
and we're gonna see to it.
- Don't you agree?
- Of course.
- I just got other priorities right now.
- Oh, meaning the food bank.
- Of course, that is a bigger priority.
- I didn't say bigger. I said, other.
You know, the little priorities
feed the big priorities.
If everyone were polite
and considerate,
there'd be enough food
to feed the world.
[SILENCE]
ANNIE:
I heard that.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
"Looking for a nice girl
to share my senior year with.
555-0159. Ask for Matt."
Matt? Our Matt?
It's our phone number.
He really is desperate.
This is pathetic.
- So, what was that look about?
BOTH: Nothing.
No, it was something.
What are you two up to?
We're not up to anything.
Huh.
- Poor guy.
- Poor?
Tragic.
[GIRLS MURMURING]
GIRL 1:
Cute.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
No, Matt's not home right now,
he's at school.
Yes, I can take a message.
Okay, where can he reach you?
All right.
[CHUCKLES]
No, I won't forget.
Okay, thank you.
Ah. Bill, junk. Bill, junk.
Wow.
Look,
something for Happy Camden.
[GASPS]
Wow. Look.
It's your first credit card.
Oh. Sorry, they made a mistake.
I'm afraid
you're gonna have to continue
making your purchases with cash,
just like the rest of the family.
[BARKING]
Excuse me, sir.
- Hey, there. How you doing?
- Fine, thank you.
I'm Eric Camden.
- The-- The Reverend Eric Camden.
- I'm just a kid. Clarence Fields.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh.
Do you happen to know
where the Beanie Weenies are?
I can't find them.
They're usually in Aisle 2.
Gee, I-- I don't know.
I'll ask the manager.
Thank you. I'd appreciate it, sir.
No problem, Clarence.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN 1: Two more cases.
Want to bring them down?
Hey, Jimmy.
There's this really polite little kid
over there.
He's looking for Beanie Weenies
and I didn't have the heart to ask him
what organisation he's with.
I think he's asking for himself,
actually.
Clarence. He's a sweet kid.
Comes in every day after school
and picks up a can and leaves.
Just let him take what he wants.
He needs the food.
Where's his mom?
Don't know, don't ask.
If all he wants is a can of Beanie
Weenies, I figure that's least I can do.
Besides,
the kid's too polite to refuse.
- Found it. Thank you.
- It's okay.
Will there be anything else today,
Clarence?
No, this should do it.
See you tomorrow.
Nice meeting you, Reverend.
Same here.
- Thank you.
MAN 1: Yeah, I got it right here.
MAN 2:
Put it with the others.
Want me to finish up here so you
can follow Clarence and get his story?
What makes you think I wanna
follow Clarence and get his story?
You're a very nosy guy.
A nice guy, but a nosy guy.
[CHUCKLES]
You got quite a few calls
this afternoon.
Oh, yeah? Thank you.
You're welcome.
How was your day, anyway?
Girls kept coming up to me
and doing this thing with their eyes
and giggling and stuff. It was weird.
- I don't even know these people.
- Why do you think they're calling?
I have no idea.
But I bet I know who does.
MARY: What's this?
- Your sweater.
I'm gonna wash it, don't worry.
I hung it so it wouldn't get dirtier.
How could it get any dirtier
hanging up?
- I don't know, but it sounded good.
- No.
What sounds good is:
"Hey, Mary, guess what.
I'm just on my way downstairs
to hand wash your sweater
in cold water
just like it says on the instructions."
- What do you two know about this?
- It's okay, we know.
- Know what?
- The ad. The whole school knows.
The personal ad
in the school newspaper.
- Personal ad for what?
- You.
You should've told us,
we would have fixed you up.
Oh. Good cover.
Pretending I did it
so I wouldn't think you two did it.
- We didn't do it.
- Uh-huh. I certainly didn't do it.
Only idiots put personal ads
in the school paper. I'm not idiot.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Evidently you are. It's for you.
Tell them I'm not home.
Please.
Not home, sorry.
Yeah, I can take a number.
And I'd better not find out
you two are lying.
Come on, Happy.
SIMON:
Wow, check this out.
I wonder why Mom
would throw this away.
You're right,
she probably had her reasons.
So we'll just keep this
between you and me, okay?
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
All right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[DOOR CLOSES]
WOMAN:
Come on, honey, let's go.
Come on.
[BABY CRYING]
Clarence? Are--?
It's Reverend Camden, are--?
Are you in there?
[DOOR UNLOCKS]
- Hey, how are you?
- I'm fine.
I just came by to see
if you or your family need anything.
No, thanks.
- Is your mom or dad home?
- I can't say.
You don't know if they're home?
No, if I told you
that no one was home,
that wouldn't be good.
That wouldn't be safe.
You're absolutely right.
So I'll go home
and come back another time
when your mom's here.
Wait! Don't leave.
Maybe you could sit by the door
for a while until my mom gets home.
It gets scary around here by myself.
What time does your mom get home?
Nighttime.
Yeah, okay, Clarence.
I can do that.
I'll just hang out here for a while.
[PEOPLE ARGUING]
WOMAN:
No, I do.
What about doggie boots
to keep your paws dry when it rains?
It's been raining a lot
because of El Neato.
That's El Niño,
and there's nothing neat about it.
Yes, there is, these doggie boots.
Look, we don't even know
if the credit card's real.
- It looks real.
- Oh, hey, there's an 800 number.
I guess we can call it and find out
just for the fun of it, right?
[DIALLING]
Remember, be polite.
Shh. It's ringing.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome to Eddie Bowzer.
Please dial your number
on your credit card
to verify your account.
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
Thank you. Please press the number
of the item you have selected.
Quick, the item number.
"B-9-8."
Thank you.
Please press three
if you want overnight delivery
for an additional $10 charge.
Do we want overnight mail
for an additional $10 charge?
You bet.
Thank you.
[DIAL TONE]
- What?
- She said thank you, then hung up.
- You didn't say, "You're welcome."
- I couldn't. It was a recording.
One set of doggie boots coming up.
- Yay!
- Don't get too excited.
- Now we gotta call back and cancel.
- Why would we cancel?
Because once Mom finds out
who ordered boots,
we're gonna end up paying for them.
I don't have any money
and Happy doesn't have any money.
Exactly. I have money.
So like I said, we'll be cancelling.
There's gotta be a number in here
where I can talk to a living person.
SIMON:
Here. Customer service.
[DIALLING, LINE RINGS]
WOMAN:
Eddie Bowzer.
Hello?
- I got a living person this time.
- Good.
Yeah, how can I help you?
Hi, I'd like to cancel an order
I placed.
Are you 18? You don't sound 18.
No, no, I'm not 18, but--
Sorry, no can do.
What?
She won't talk to me
because I'm not 18.
You got 4.99?
Yeah, plus shipping.
Tell me that's not my sweater
in the dryer.
The label says fluff dry.
- You're sure?
- Absolutely positive.
MARY:
Huh.
[CLINKING]
What are you eating in there?
- Beanie Weenies?
- Mm-hm.
- You want some?
- Oh, no, thanks.
You like those, huh?
Nature's perfect food.
It's got all your major food groups,
beans and weenies.
Don't get me wrong.
My mom takes care of me.
She leaves me dinner.
But I still like to top it off
with something tasty.
Beanie Weenies.
- Huh-- Whoa!
- What the hell are you doing?
I-- Lady, I-- I--
I can explain. I can explain.
- Harriet?
- Seven liver and onions?
Mom, this is the Reverend Camden.
He's a minister
and I still didn't let him in.
That's good, Clarence.
Reverend Camden,
this is my mother, Miss Harriet Fields.
Let us both in now, Clarence,
before I collapse.
- How's my baby?
- Good, Mom, really good.
Mmm.
Come on in, Reverend. Have a seat.
There's nothing I enjoy more
than entertaining strange guests
after a 14-hour workday.
HARRIET: Can I get you anything?
- No, nothing, I'm fine.
I'm sorry if I'm intruding.
It's just that
I ran into Clarence at the...
...front door of the building.
And there was a bunch
of rough-looking people around,
so I just offered to hang out with him
till you got home.
Yeah,
it's a pretty rough neighbourhood.
Thanks.
That was very considerate of you.
It's okay.
- It's just you and Clarence here, huh?
- Yeah, just us.
Must be pretty tough
raising a kid alone.
HARRIET:
Mm-hm. It's tough.
You know, you are one nosy guy,
I could tell that at the restaurant.
I just, uh...
Yeah, I-- I am.
I don't know, I just-- I just sensed there
might be something I could do here.
HARRIET: I doubt it.
- I said, might.
There might be something
I could do.
I'm too tired to drag this out,
so let me give you the short version.
About three years ago,
I fell in love with a man
who loved me and loved Clarence.
So we got married
and everything was sweet.
Until shortly after April 15th
when we filed a joint tax return.
He went to mail it
and never came back.
Because?
Because the lying fool owed the IRS
a boatload of money
and hadn't bothered to tell me.
Just like he hadn't bothered to tell me
he was still married to his first wife.
- I see.
- Oh, no. You don't see yet.
The IRS came after him.
Couldn't find him,
so they came after me.
But you weren't legally married,
so you're not responsible
for his back taxes.
Yeah, tell that to the IRS.
They got their hands on my bank
account and kept freezing it
until I cried Uncle Sam.
I set up a payment schedule,
Clarence and I moved into this dump
and I took a second job waitressing.
I teach ninth grade science,
but I needed something that paid cash.
I figured if they ever froze
my account again,
we could live on tips
until I straighten it out again. Oh.
I'm sorry
about the no-substitutions thing.
It's just that if we substitute, we pay,
and I just couldn't afford it.
Especially with that brood you've got.
I understand completely.
Do you have the name and number
of whoever you talked to at the IRS?
Mr. Smith.
I don't think it's gonna help you.
It seems like everybody at the IRS
is named Mr. Smith.
Well, let me try.
Yeah, Mom, let him try.
You can't actually see these people
in person, they're collectors.
You only talk to them on the telephone
and believe me, it's no fun.
Well, just give me his number
and I'll give it a shot.
Okay.
This could be the answer
to my prayers, Reverend.
I gotta get down to the IRS.
- You're gonna go through with it?
- Oh, you bet.
- Don't lose your temper.
- I'm not gonna lose my temper. Why?
You get mad
when you fill out tax forms.
This is about somebody else's taxes.
I'll be fine.
[CHUCKLES]
I will. I promise.
Mary, Lucy.
I hate being rushed.
Mom, I need a ride to the mall
after school.
Try, "Mom, would you please take me
to the mall this afternoon?"
Mom, would you please take me
to the mall after school? Please?
I'm sorry, I can't.
That's two days in a row
you've set me up.
It's completely unintentional,
I'm focusing on please and thank you.
Well, ask Matt to drive you.
He's not gonna take me anywhere.
He thinks we put the ad in the paper.
Maybe if you ask him more politely.
Why? It didn't work with you.
Tsk.
What? It didn't.
I'd like to come in
and discuss Harriet Fields' case.
Are you familiar with it?
MAN: Yes, I'm familiar with her case,
but I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
She can set up a meeting
with a representative.
Oh, she's already talked
with a representative
and she's still having a problem.
See, she's paying off a debt
that she doesn't owe.
Everybody's got a story to try
and get out of meeting obligations.
Take it up with a representative.
Well, there's just so much red tape.
I'd like to speak to somebody
who can actually help her.
That's what red tape is for.
Makes you stick to the rules.
Oh, oh, that's what red tape is for,
I've always wondered.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mr. Smith?
- Yes?
- Hi.
So you actually are Mr. Smith.
- Do I know you?
- We were just on the phone.
Oh, brother.
I'm Reverend Eric Camden
and I'd like to talk to you
about Harriet Fields.
Leonard, I want a retraction. I want
you to print a correction in the paper
saying I didn't place that ad.
And I wanna know who did place it.
- Can't do it.
- What?
The apology
or tell who placed the ad?
Both. We can't run an apology
because it would look like a mistake
and it wasn't a mistake.
And I can't tell you
who placed the ad.
I have to protect my sources.
It's my journalistic prerogative.
- Look, I'm going to the principal.
- You can't threaten me.
I'm protected by the first amendment
of the Constitution
of the United States.
I cannot and will not
reveal my sources.
If you come near me again
on school property,
I'm going to the principal.
[SIGHS]
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Whoa.
Somebody's been busy.
What the--? What--?
Oh, here. Okay.
[DIALLING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Eddie Bowzer, how can I help you?
Well, I received a credit card
in the mail
and I'm afraid
there's been a mistake,
because it was issued
to our dog, Happy.
Yeah, so?
Well, so I'd like to cancel the card.
Ooh. That could be a problem.
Why is that?
It's took a lot of paperwork
when obviously
the dog can't use the card.
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, can the dog use the phone?
Can the dog enter the code
for the merchandise?
Listen, no offence, but may I speak
with a supervisor, please?
I am a supervisor.
Look, lady,
can't you just tear up the card?
I could, but what if something's
already been ordered with the card?
Then I'll assume
you've got a very smart dog.
- A very smart dog with red rain boots.
- Cool.
Cool? She doesn't have the money
to pay for them.
Then Eddie Bowzer Catalogues
lost a couple bucks.
Have a nice day.
[DIAL TONE]
Oh, well. Pray for rain.
[BARKS]
Do you have a receipt?
I'd have to have a receipt.
No, my sister didn't keep the receipt.
So it's not even your sweater?
No, I borrowed the sweater
from my sister and I got a stain on it,
so I washed it according to the
instructions and it shrank down to this.
So could I please
get my money back?
I'd really appreciate it.
- See the sign?
- Could I possibly get a store credit?
Another sweater, anything?
- Please.
- Sorry.
WOMAN: You know,
we can check out the shoe...
TEEN: Mama.
WOMAN: Okay.
Why would she agree
to pay a debt that wasn't hers?
Because she couldn't get you guys
off her back.
Look.
This isn't your problem.
And quite frankly,
it's not mine anymore.
I'm retiring.
In 14 business days, I'm out of here.
Then you have 14 days
to take another look at this file.
The man swindled her.
This is a woman
with a young child
who had to move out her own home,
into a rundown apartment building
to pay off some guy's debt
she doesn't even owe.
Not only is that unfair,
it can't possibly be legal.
I'm not leaving here
till we resolve this.
It is resolved.
It has been resolved.
There is no more resolving.
SMITH: Oh, God.
- What is it?
My chest.
I think it's my heart.
- Somebody call 911!
- Uhn!
Right, that would be me.
[MOANING]
Stay with me, Mr. Smith.
Hang in there. You're gonna be fine.
What? Yes, I'll hold, but hurry.
[MOANING]
- Where's the insurance information?
- I left my wallet in my desk.
He obviously has insurance.
He's a federal employee.
Sorry, there's no proof
of employment or insurance.
You have to go
to the county hospital.
He's having a heart attack.
- This is an emergency.
- Sorry.
I can't admit him without proof
of insurance. Those are the rules.
All right, all right, don't worry.
I'll call, have somebody
bring your wallet.
- Who should I call?
- I don't know.
I've never called the office before
except to call in sick
and that was voice mail.
- Never mind. I'll go over there myself.
- Please hurry.
I'll be right back, okay?
Don't worry. If anything happens,
at least you're in a hospital.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
- May we have a snack, please?
- And thank you in advance.
Of course you can,
especially since you asked so nicely.
And you know what? Maybe Happy
might like a snack too. Happy?
Mom, you know I only feed Happy
once a day.
A little biscuit couldn't hurt.
Happy?
[HAPPY BARKS]
[PANTING]
Oh, would you like a snack?
[ANNIE CHUCKLES]
There's something different
about that dog.
- Probably the boots.
- Yeah, I wonder where she got them.
In the mail today. Overnight express.
I wonder how that happened.
Oh, my guess is that Happy
ordered them with her credit card.
Really?
Yeah, the catalogue was opened
right to the picture.
I guess we should cancel the card,
huh, Mom?
Well, I tried to cancel,
but the operator was so rude
to me on the phone,
I think Happy
will just keep those boots.
I wonder if Happy
will order anything else.
Not if she knows
what's good for her.
Believe me, she does.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.
I mean, for not yelling at us
and punishing us or anything.
- I know what you mean.
- You know,
I think I'm gonna go up
to my room now and do my homework.
I'll probably be up there
for a really long time,
really concentrating hard on it.
Good for you.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Ah. No, Matt's not here,
he went to the mall.
Can I take a message? Oh.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, as a matter of fact,
he just walked in.
Hold on, please.
Hey, how's it going?
- Did you take back the sweater?
- The store manager wouldn't take it.
And I was as polite
as I could possibly be.
Looks like Lucy
is just gonna have to pay for it.
Right, Mom?
If you watch the kids, I can go back
to the store and give it a shot.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks a lot.
You know,
I can't promise you anything,
but you never know.
I can only try my best.
Oh, and by the way,
the girl on the phone?
Deena Nash.
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A.]
Okay, here.
Here's his insurance information.
You want to admit him now?
Have a seat
while I complete paperwork.
The man's having a heart attack.
He's been sitting there for half an hour.
You want me to have a seat?
I-- Oh.
Excuse me, I think this man
is having a heart attack.
Could you please help him out
while this nurse is doing paperwork?
Okay, you wait here.
I'll take care of him.
Come.
- Hello, may I help you?
- Well, I hope so, thank you.
My daughter bought
this sweater here
and she washed it according
to the instructions on the label
and this is what happened.
I'd be happy to take it back
if you have a receipt.
I don't have a receipt,
but I thought you could exchange it
maybe for store credit
or another sweater.
Not unless you have a receipt.
May I please see the manager?
I am the manager.
Okay, what about the owner?
How would I reach the owner?
- You're talking to her.
- Hmm.
So as the owner of the store,
do you think you could possibly change
the store policy
to meet the needs of the customer?
If I change the store policy for you,
I'd have to change it for everyone.
- Whoa, whoa!
WOMAN: Oh.
Careful when you wash that
or it'll look like this. Uh-huh.
- Whoa.
- Hmm.
Mm-hm.
WOMAN 1:
You won't be needing that, huh?
Let's put it back. Yeah.
Would you like the leave now, ma'am,
or should I call security?
I'm just trying to return a sweater.
You're just trying
to cause a disturbance.
Cause disturbance? You want
disturbance, here's disturbance.
Whatever happened
to common decency?
Whatever happened to service
and a simple,
"Thank you for shopping here"?
What happened to a store standing
behind the merchandise it sells?
[CUSTOMERS CHATTERING]
Whatever happened to truth, justice
and the American store taking returns?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'll tell you what happened.
People started shoplifting
and then returning things for cash.
Or buying things and wearing them
and then returning them for no reason.
Profits started coming down
and insurance rates started going up.
So shop owners
had to look for merchandise
with a higher mark up.
What do you want
from a $12 sweater?
Whatever happened to,
"You get what you pay for"?
If the manufacturer doesn't stand up
for the merchandise,
why should I get stuck?
I've got kids to feed too, you know.
That's what happened
to this American store taking returns.
WOMAN 1: Oh, my God.
WOMAN 2: I don't know.
WOMAN 3: Let's go.
WOMAN 4: Yeah, I think so.
[SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
Still, it would be very nice
if you could take this back.
Fine.
I'll give you your money back.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Could I buy you a cup of coffee?
[CHUCKLES]
I would love a cup of coffee,
but I don't have anyone
to watch the store.
I can bring you a cup.
How do you like it?
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A.]
Mmm!
- Excuse me, doctor.
- Yeah.
How's he doing?
Oh, it's not a heart attack.
It's heartburn.
Plain, simple heartburn.
Well, is he in any danger
of having a heart attack?
No, I don't think so,
but we're keeping him overnight
just to make sure
today doesn't give him one.
- Were you going to tell him that?
- Yeah.
Could you do me a favour?
Could you give me maybe
15 minutes with him first?
Sure, yeah.
Thank you very much.
Here. Thanks, yeah.
[KNOCK]
[SIGHS]
- We have to talk.
- Fine, come in.
No, I'd rather talk close to the door.
- You see, I placed the ad.
- What?
I figured that if a guy like you
used our Personals,
then it would become cool and maybe
other students would wanna do it.
I'm sorry. I had no idea
it would cause so many problems.
The thing is, if I run a retraction,
it will undo everything I worked for.
So I'd really appreciate it if you could
just forget about the whole thing.
[SIGHS]
Why not?
Really?
- Just like that?
- Yeah, you apologised.
You asked nicely.
What else can I do?
Well, you could tell him the truth.
Deena called him. Deena Nash.
Wow, congratulations.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
LEONARD: You're there.
- Right.
[SIGHS]
So, Matt,
do you have anything to say to us?
Something in the nature
of an apology maybe?
I'm sorry I accused you
of doing something you didn't do.
Oh, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
- We forgive you.
- Huh.
I can't believe
you got Deena to call him.
How did you do it?
I said please. I said thank you.
I did her math homework.
[CHUCKLES]
It's just that if I have to have
a heart operation,
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
Is there anyone I can call for you?
- No. I don't have any family.
- Hmm.
My wife left me years ago.
We never had any kids.
I gave my life to my job,
collecting money for the IRS.
Not an unnoble cause.
Providing, of course,
that people actually owe money
to the United States and the IRS.
By people, you mean Harriet Fields.
Oh, God,
I can't go into open heart surgery
with that on my conscience.
Yeah, it's a tough one.
It's funny. Once you think
you're gonna lose your life,
you wanna change it all.
I--
I get a lot of that in my line of work.
Problem is not many people
get a chance to change it all.
Of course, for you, Mr. Smith,
it may not be too late.
What's this?
I figured as long I was in your office,
I'd just pick up Harriet's file.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Dear Lord,
don't let this be bad news.
Dear Lord.
Oh, look, what a coincidence, huh?
Harriet Fields, I'd like you to meet
Mr. Smith of the IRS.
- This is Harriet?
- And her son, Clarence.
Nice to meet you.
What did you do to him?
I think Mr. Smith might have
something to tell you, Harriet.
Harriet.
I am sorry that I didn't take care
of your problem before,
but I'm going to take care of it
right now.
I promise.
If the big auditor upstairs
lets me live,
I am going to get this
all straightened out.
Straightened out
like no more payments
or straightened out
like I have a refund coming?
You'll get a refund. A big one.
SMITH:
Every penny.
Oh, this is gonna be
a lot of red tape,
but I will cut through it, Ms. Fields,
so help me, God.
This time next week,
the cheque is in the mail.
Thank you, Mr. Smith.
[DOOR OPENS]
Tell me the bad news, doctor.
The bad news is you're gonna have
to spend your retirement taking it easy,
losing a little weight,
watching your diet.
- And the good news?
- You don't need to have heart surgery.
- I don't?
DOCTOR: No. You should be fine.
But I would like you to stay overnight
for observation.
I'll check back with you
a little bit later.
It's a miracle.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, it is a miracle.
No hard feelings?
Please.
Thank you.