7th Heaven (1996–2007): Season 11, Episode 4 - Don't Ax, Don't Tell - full transcript

While Annie is still way, reverend Eric Camden keeps behaving weirdly, so his nosy daughter Lucy forces her unwilling, privacy-respecting husband Kevin to help her find out what's going on. For once he gets interested himself as it turns out there actually is a lot to uncover, starting with the fact Eric bought the twins hamsters as a consolation because his disgust at their teacher Miss Margo's flirting made Eric take the boys out of school to teach them himself. Kevin even ends up taking his pants off as bribe for homeless Stanley to tell what he knows about the hospital episode.

So, starting today,

we're going to have school
right here at home.

Is that legal?


We don't want to go to jail.

No, we're not going
to go to jail.

- Promise.
- "Ax" Kevin. He'd know.

Yeah, he would know,
and Kevin says jail stinks.

Ax him.

Yeah, I'm sure jail does stink.

And by the way,
it's not "ax," A-X.

It's "ask," A-S-K.

And that's just, you know,

one of the things
I can teach you.

Lots of children
are homeschooled.

It's perfectly legal.

You're not going
to get into any trouble.

We just have to go down
to the Board of Education,

pick up some stuff,
we'll be all set.

Does Mom know about this?

Yeah, does Mom know?

If Mom doesn't know,

maybe we will go to jail,
especially you.

There's going to be
no jail time for anyone.

No jail. Promise.

So this week
we'll have school at home,

and then, you know,
if you like it...

I mean, if we all like it--
if the three of us men like it--

then we'll tell Mom
when she gets home.

It'll be a big surprise.

Mom doesn't like big surprises.

I do.

Let's do it.

Let's don't do it.

What about Lucy and Kevin?

What if they tell Mom?

We're not going to tell Lucy
or Kevin or anyone.

I don't like secrets.

I don't want
to do school at home.

Uh, is it... you know,
is it just that...

I don't know, it's scary?

Sometimes doing something new

seems a little scary.

I'm not scared.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

I am.

Well, sometimes scary
can feel just the same

in your stomach as excited.

Yeah, so maybe
you're just excited.


Well, maybe this
will get you excited.

You're going to like this.

There's no homework.

- No homework?
- No homework.

You do all the work at school,

and you have all afternoon
to play.

All night to play.
It's going to be great.

We'll have more time to...
be with each other.

But I like homework.

I don't.

There's a hamster
at school--the real one.

So could we have a hamster
at this fake home school?

It's not a fake school.
It's just school at home.

But I don't see why
we couldn't get a hamster.

Mom says we can't
have a hamster.

Yeah, but, uh, you know,

she doesn't know
that the hamster will be part

of the home school,
which is a secret.

So when she finds out

that you love
having school at home,

of course your mom
will let you have a hamster.

Can we keep it in our room?

Uh, we might have to keep it
in our classroom.

Which room is the classroom?

Well, since I have to do my work
and be the teacher,

I thought, uh, we'd have school
down at the church,

maybe in one of
the Sunday school rooms.

And who knows? Eventually, maybe
we can have the classroom

in Ruthie's room upstairs.

Mom says we can't go up there.

She says Ruthie's coming back.

I think Dad's point
is Mom's not here.

But when she gets here,

then we'll tell her.

We're not going to keep this
a secret forever.

No, no, no, no. It's just a...
just a secret

for right now, just this week.

It's a one-week-only secret.

Is this a secret or a lie?

It's... a secret.

And it's legal?

Yeah, it's legal.

♪ 7th Heaven ♪

♪ When I see
their happy faces ♪

♪ Smiling back at me ♪

♪ 7th Heaven ♪

♪ I know there's
no greater feeling ♪

♪ Than the love of family ♪

♪ Where can you go ♪

♪ When the world
don't treat you right? ♪

♪ The answer is home ♪

♪ That's the one place
that you'll find ♪

♪ 7th Heaven ♪

♪ Mmm, 7th Heaven ♪

♪ 7th Heaven. ♪

(doorknob rattles)



(keys jangling, lock clicking)

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

Well, I asked you first.

Looking for you.

Well, I was looking
for some fruit cocktail.


Because I felt like
some fruit cocktail.

We have fruit cocktail at home.

Oh, I didn't know
we had fruit cocktail at home.

I-I thought we were out,

so I just came over here
for some fruit cocktail.

No, you didn't.
You came over here

- to snoop around.
- No, I didn't.

Why would you say
that I'm-I'm snooping around?

To find out
what's going on with your dad,

and whatever is going on
with your dad

is none of your business

unless he wants to tell you
what's going on with him.

Maybe, but it's
my mom's business,

and she asked me to find out
what's going on,

because something is up.

Something is clearly up.

Your mom told you to find out
what's going on?

My mom asked me to find out
what's going on, yes.

Why didn't she ask me
to find out what's going on?

I don't know.

Maybe because I was the one
talking on the phone with her.

And you told her
he's acting weird?

Or she thinks he's acting weird?

What difference does it make?

I know you're the one
who told her he's acting weird.

- No, you don't.
- If she had noticed

he was acting weird,

she would have asked me
to find out.

You told her he's acting weird.


So you asked her
if she wanted you to see

what you could find out.

Okay, Officer Kinkirk,
you got me.

I told Mom that Dad hasn't
been acting himself lately.

And it's not as if she
hadn't noticed, too.

I mean, he's hiding something.

He is clearly hiding something.

He has the right

to hide something
if he wants to.

Maybe he's just hiding something

until your mom gets home,

so he can talk
to her face-to-face.

I hate to say it, Luce, but
maybe it's something serious.

Maybe it's his health,
maybe his heart.

No, it's not.

She talked to the doctor.
He hasn't seen him.

I mean, he's overdue
for a checkup,

but Mom's going to make him go
when she gets home.

So he's hiding something else.

Yeah, I-I know it's not right
to snoop, but... still.

Still, it's not right.

Well, Mom gave me
permission... practically.

Go ahead.

I'm staying out of it.

You fill out the form,
one for each child.

Then we give you
the lesson plans

and the books,
and that's about it.

The teacher is just going to ax
the boys a couple of questions,

make sure they're working
on grade level.


The teacher is just going
to ax the boys some questions?

Yes, the teacher
will ax them questions.

They'll read a little,
do a little math.

To determine
if the child is working

at his or her grade level?

Don't you mean "ask"?

Ask some questions?

That's what I said: ax.


It's ask.


Just fill out the forms.

Would you mind
if I ax--I mean ask--

you a question;
a personal question?

- Shoot.
- You work for the school board,

you're an educated man,
I assume.

And-and, so you don't
hear the difference

between ax and ask?

Ax and ax?

Like an E at the end
of one of them?

No, like...

one means to pose a question,

and the other means a sharp
object used to chop down trees.

Were you, by any chance,


My mother was a hippie,
and she homeschooled me,

and then I went to Harvard.

She's a genius and a hippie.

Ax her if you
don't believe me.

I-I'm curious.
Uh, what-what was your major?

- Psychology.
- Interesting.

I wouldn't have figured you
for a psychologist.

Are you kidding?

I look just like Dr. Phil.

That's why I got into it.

Aside from the desire
to help people, of course.

I don't want to help people.

I look the part,
and I'm just good at it.

For example,

you've got a big problem
you're not dealing with.


Know how I know that?

Because you're all caught up

in this little problem
of ax and ax.

What's the difference,

and why is it
bothering you so much?

Mmm, I don't know,

- No reason.
- Hmm.

My guess: heart problems.

Wife's out of town.

Little lonely, little guilty.

Aha, the boys' teacher.

You and the boys' teacher
equals homeschooling

that your wife
has no idea about.

Am I right?

What do you mean,
me and the boys' teacher?

I'm not seeing my sons' teacher.

No. You're avoiding her.

So, either something happened,

or you wanted something
to happen.

Or she wanted
something to happen.

(clicks tongue)

Oh! Ms. Margo.

"Oh, Ms. Margo"?

Don't ax.


Finally, a clue.

He is using a special shampoo,
a shampoo made only for men.

By special, you mean expensive?

Yeah, as in very expensive.

As in $15 expensive.

My mom does not pay $15
for shampoo.

How much should
a person pay for shampoo?

I don't know, and-and it's new.

It looks like he's only used it,
like, maybe a week,

maybe two weeks.

Maybe I could get the police lab
to do some tests

to confirm the timeline.

You think?

- No.
- Kevin, two weeks.

My dad bought fancy shampoo
two weeks ago when my mom left.

Wait a second.

You buy your own shampoo.

You have to know how much
you pay for it.

Well, I have problem hair.

Well, you don't...

you don't think he's...

No, he wouldn't be.

Maybe he's just...

you know,
meeting with the boys' teacher

and helping her
with something for their class.

What's the problem
with your hair?

Kevin, questioning me
about my hair

is not going to lead
to anything.

Help me here. Pay attention.

I use Savannah's shampoo.

Good for you.
Your hair looks great.

You... I'm going to tell my mom

that she better call
that flirty teacher

and ask her what's going on.

Your mom's going
to call Ms. Margo

and ask if she and your dad

are getting together
for some reason?

Wouldn't it be simpler
to call your mom first and ask

- if she bought the shampoo?
- It would,

but what happens
if she didn't?

Probably nothing happens

because your dad's not seeing
Ms. Margo or anyone else.

He is washing his hair in
special man shampoo for someone.

And you wash your hair in...?

I pay $12 for my shampoo, okay?

Do you have a problem with that?

If you use $12 shampoo,

what's so crazy about your dad
buying $15 shampoo?

Or your mother buying your dad
$15 shampoo?

I know my people, okay?

My people are not
expensive shampoo people.

You're part of your people.

$12 is a lot for shampoo.

I only started paying $12
for my shampoo when I...

When I wanted to get pregnant.

I was feeling sexy and happy,
and I splurged,

and then I couldn't go back
to the cheap stuff and...


I am calling my mother right now

and telling her she better
get back here immediately.

Hold on, Luce.

Let me talk to your dad

before you call your mom
about any of this, okay?

Maybe the only thing he's hiding

- is the fact that he bought
$15 shampoo. -Okay.

Here's the plan--
you're going to take

my dad out for dinner
and grill him,

and I am going to make
the boys' favorite thing,

hot dogs, and I'm going to see
if they know anything.

Let me just say one more time
for the record.

I don't want anything to do
with this investigation.


Just take him out
to dinner, okay?

And I'm going
to make the boys hot dogs,

and I am going
to crack the case.


Thanks again, Dad.

I like the home school.

Good. Good to hear.

Take the hamsters
up to your room,

and-and don't open the door
to the cages, okay?

I'm not sure about Happy.


Hi, guys.

Hi, Lucy.

Wait, are those hamsters?

- Oh! Aah!
- Oh! God.

What are you doing here?

I came to find
the church directory.

Really? The church directory?

It's in the kitchen cabinet

where we've kept it...
your entire life.

Oh, I thought it might be
up here somewhere.

No, you didn't.
What's going on?

Are you okay?

You seem a little
out of breath.

Well, I just got home, and
I told the boys to go upstairs,

and I heard them talking
to someone

in what I thought
was an empty house.

You didn't recognize my voice?

I didn't take the time
to recognize your voice.

I thought there was someone
in the house talking to my sons,

and I ran up to see
who that might be,

and I'd still like to know
why you're snooping around.

Dad, I'm not snooping around.

I came up to find
the church directory.

Oh, and I wanted to ask you

if you wanted
to have dinner with Kevin.

I thought I'd take the boys

and let you have a little break.

No, I don't need a break.
Uh, I'm fine.

And just...

don't come into the house
when we're not home...

if you don't mind.

O-okay, I-I don't mind.

- (snickers) What, you want
your key back? -Uh...

y-yes, I-I do.

Well, o-okay, I'll...
I mean, I'll give it to you,

but, you know, Kevin has one,
and we have extras.

- Well, I'll get
the others later. -Dad,

I've had a key to the house
since I was seven years old.

This key, in fact.

But you don't live
in this house.

You have your own house,

so maybe it's time
to give the key back.

You don't want us to have
the keys to the house?

No, a-and I'll give you the key
to your house back if you want.

I... well, I don't care if you
have the keys to our house.

Yeah, that's because
I would never go

into your house
if you weren't home.

Well, if you did,
I wouldn't care and...

Wait, you let
the boys buy hamsters?

Yes, I let the boys
buy hamsters.

You never let me
have a hamster.

You never wanted a hamster.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, and please
don't ax me that again.

Don't ax me that again?

Did you just say "ax"?

No, I didn't.

I did.

It's a long story.

Okay, well, here's the key,

and I guess I'll get you
the other ones tomorrow

unless, of course,
you want me to keep one

in case you ever
lock yourself out

- or something.
- I won't lock myself out.

Dad, are-are you sure

you don't want me
to take the boys

and you can have dinner
with Kevin, you know,

just the two guys,
have some adult conversation?

Lucy, I'm fine.

I'm just fine,

and if your mother asks,
that's what you tell her--

I'm fine.

You know, I don't know
what's going on,

but you are anything
but fine.

Okay, you know,
just because I don't want

my own daughter
snooping around my house

doesn't mean
there's something wrong with me.

You are irritable.

You are unreasonable.

You are not yourself.

You are hiding something.


Okay, Luce,
I-I am hiding something.

I was hiding the...


I let the boys buy them.

I-I didn't tell your mother,

and I don't want to tell her
until she gets home,

so please don't say anything
to her about it, okay?

And, here, yeah, you're right
about the key.

This is your key.

You... you take that.

And... and thank you
for offering

to get me a night out,
but I'm fine. I'm fine.

You know, I got a lot on my mind

with your mom out of town
and the boys and work,

but it's not like
I'm not enjoying

my time alone with the boys.

It's tiring,
but I'm enjoying it.

Okay. I understand.

I'll see you tomorrow.

At work, at-at the church?

Oh, sure, see you tomorrow.

You're coming
to work tomorrow?

You'll... you'll be
in the office?

Yeah. I'll be
at the office tomorrow.


He is in over his head.

Whatever it is,
he is in over his head.

He asked me for the key
to his house back.


Be-because I was upstairs
when he and the boys got home,

and I startled him.

I told you to get out of there.

Well, I couldn't help myself.

And then you know what happened?

He asked me
for all the keys back,

and he turned down
dinner with you.

I'm not surprised.
I'd feel the same way

if I found him snooping around
our house when I got home.

No, you wouldn't-- not unless
you were hiding something.

And he is hiding something

because, after he yelled at me,
he then got all nervous,

and then apologized,
and then gave me my key back.

He says that he is overwhelmed

with Mom being out of town
and the boys and everything.

Okay, I'm not surprised
by that, either.

Uh-huh, well,
see if this surprises you.

He let the boys buy hamsters.

Hamsters, as in rodents!

They're boys--
they like hamsters.

You don't see how that ties in
with the shampoo?

How do hamsters tie in
with shampoo?

You're kidding me, right?

They both point to the teacher--
Ms. Margo?

He let the boys get the hamsters
to impress her.

He got the shampoo
to impress her or...

or so his hair
would impress her. Something!

I think you should make
your case a little stronger

before you take it
to your mother, all right?

Kevin, go over there and insist
that he have dinner with you.

Tell him that it was you
who needed to see him;

that you need
to have dinner with him

to get some advice.

He never turns down anyone
for help.

Never. Go!

- What do I need help with?
- Well, the same thing

you always need help with-- me.





(knocking on door)

Dad, it's me.


Is it all right to come in?

Why wouldn't it be?

I don't know;
I didn't want to just walk

into your house
without knocking.

Well, you usually just knock
and walk in,

so I take it Lucy told you
I snapped about the key.

I don't blame you.
She shouldn't

have been over here
when you weren't home.

I need some help with her.

Yeah, so do I.
I-I don't think I've gotten

a straight answer yet

about why she was over here
when I wasn't home.

She thinks you're having an
affair with the boys' teacher,

or that you're thinking
about having an affair

with the boys' teacher.

She does, does she?

Yeah, she does.

Of course, I don't think
you're having an affair.

I think that's ridiculous.

Why is that?

- Why?
- Yeah.

Why don't you think
I could be having an affair?

I could be having an affair.

I'm capable of having an affair
if I wanted to have an affair.

(doorbell rings)

(knocking at door)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Lots of women fall in love
with married men.

Yeah, they do,
and it's always a mistake.

It can't always be a mistake.

Yeah, I don't say "always"
or "never" very often,

but I'm saying "always" now
because it's the truth.

It's always a mistake.

Still, it happens.

It doesn't happen here.

I can't help
how I feel about you.


You just can't help it?


So, you can't decide
that falling in love

with a married man would be
a mistake, and just not do it?

You can't keep yourself
from hurting yourself?

You can't keep yourself from
hurting another woman, a family?

- You can't help it?
- No.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

You can think about
how you want to feel,

and act as if you feel that way,
and you will feel that way.

You can decide

that your feelings
are completely inappropriate

and choose some other feelings.

What if I don't want to choose?

What if I just want
to feel what I feel?

What if I want
to follow my heart?

What if you let your head lead

where you want your heart
to follow?

And what if you choose
good things for yourself?

Hey, what if you actually
loved yourself?

Hey, what if you
actually loved me?

But I don't.

I don't love you, Ms. Margo.

I don't want to love you.

Could you choose to love me?

I could, but I'm not going to.

Why would I?

I... I love my wife,
I love my children,

and I love my grandchildren.
I even love myself.

I'm just telling you all this

because you don't really
know anything about me.

We've had a couple
of conversations--that's it.

A couple of conversations.

I don't really like what was
said during those conversations,

and... not to be unkind,

but I don't like you.

I think you do, or you would
if you let yourself.


And yes, we had a couple
of conversations,

and you flirted with me.

Don't tell me
you didn't flirt with me.


I didn't flirt with you.

Look, I didn't want you to think

that I was the boys'
grandfather, 'cause I'm not,

and I-I-I didn't want you
to think

that I'm an old man,
'cause I'm not.

And you care what I think

because you do like me.

Oh, my gosh.

And you got nervous
about liking me, so you blew up

in the hallway and made
that grand speech about morals,

'cause you were afraid
you might slip.

Am I right?

No, you're not.

I mean...

you're not even close
to being right.

I've never cheated on my wife.

I would never cheat
on my wife.

So, just to review:

I'm in love with my wife.

I'm not interested in you.

Period. End of story.

Can I just ax you something?

No, you can't ax me anything.


No, no one can ax me anything.

There's no axing unless,

you know, you're taking an ax
and chopping something with it.

There's only asking.

Ask, ask, ask.


Wow. I do love your passion

for doing and saying
the right thing.


Can I just ask you...


are you okay?

Your health, I mean.

My father got really cranky

when he found out
he had lung cancer.

Not that he should
have been surprised,

'cause he smoked a couple packs
a day for my entire life,

but still, he was very angry
about it.

I don't smoke.

I've never smoked.

I'm... and I'm sorry
about your father,

but I'm not sorry

that this conversation
and all conversations

between the two of us
have to come to an end now.

Yeah. Good night.

Oh, man!

Can't a man come home

without being surprised
by a Kinkirk?

I took the boys over
to our house

and told Lucy you and I
were having dinner together.

You and I are having dinner
together, Dad.

Would you two please
leave me alone?

I'm not having an affair
with the boys' teacher.

Fine, but we're still
having dinner.

Let's see. How can I put this?

Oh, I know.

You're not the boss of me.

I didn't say I was.

- You seem to think you are.
- Look, Dad,

- really, we need to talk.
- We don't need to talk.

If we needed to talk,
we'd be talking.

Now, please go get my sons.

Bring them back over
to my house.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me.

Now, would you please go get
Sam and David,

or do I have
to go get them myself?

Hold on. Just a second.

Get out of my way.

I'll get them-- promise.

I'll get them. I'm on my way
to get them right now.

I shouldn't have taken them
to my house.

I'm sorry.
I'm really very sorry.

That was the wrong thing to do.

Yes, that was
the wrong thing to do.

I'll be right back.


(sighs heavily)

So, what are
your hamsters' names?

I named mine Jesus.


Yeah, 'cause it's a miracle
I got a hamster.

And what's your hamster's name?


Oh, Mom? Because you miss Mom?

No. I just like that name.


So, how did you get Dad
to buy you the hamsters?

Did you have to promise
to do something?

You know, were the hamsters
a reward for something?

Like not saying something
about something?

Not telling a secret?

(door opening)

All right, boys,
Dad wants you to come home.

We just got here.

I haven't finished my hot dog.

Sorry about that. You'll have
to take it with you this time.

I didn't ask your dad
if you could come over,

and he really wants
to be with you tonight.

Well, aren't you and Dad...

Not tonight, no.

Come on, guys.

I'm just going
to walk them home,

and then I might want to get out
for a while by myself.

And go where?

I don't know yet.

Let's just say I've decided
to join the investigation.


(door closing)

Hey, guys.

I'm s-sorry to call you back,

but, uh, I don't know what to do

about the hamsters,
so I thought maybe

the three of us
should read up on them,

and, you know, make sure
we're taking good care of them.

Do we have to take a bath first?

Nah, just brush your teeth.

Good night.


I'm sorry.

I-I-I'm... I'm-I'm really sorry.

I'm so tired of that Ms. Margo
that I just snapped.

She can't seem to take no
for an answer.

That must make things
a little awkward, huh?

You want me to start taking
the boys to school for you?

If you want me to, I could.

No, no, it-it's okay.

I'm thinking
about making some changes.


Yeah, I asked to put Sam and
David into a-a different class,

but, uh, the principal really
doesn't see the need for it,

so I don't know.

Something has to be done.

Um... about before--

I guess I'm a little more tired
than usual,

and I'm starting to be
a little short-tempered.

Hey, I-I bought
the boys hamsters.

Clearly, I'm not myself.

Maybe, but you look good.

You don't look tired.

- I don't?
- No.

Maybe it's the new haircut.

You look younger.

Yeah, well,
I cut my hair a little,

and I'm using this shampoo
that Simon left here.

It's a $15 shampoo.

It's probably just the price

that makes me think it's doing
something for my hair.


I get it.

Yeah, it took me a sec.

Yeah, like I said,
I'm not myself.

- Get what?
- You're trying to find out

why I'm not myself
when I already explained it.

I'm not trying to do anything,
but if you feel like talking,

explaining anything more
than you already have,

then I'd be happy to listen.

All right, Kevin, 'cause, uh,
you know, if I don't tell you,

I'm sure that you and Lucy

will just keep on trying
to find out.


I'm homeschooling the boys.

You're what?

I'm homeschooling the boys.

That's the change
I was talking about.

I took them out of their school,

and I put them into
the homeschooling program.

And I... and I got them
hamsters to boot.

So why don't you just tell Mom?

I'm sure she'll understand.

Yeah, probably, but it's just...
it's the kind of thing

I'd rather tell her

That's it?

You're homeschooling the boys?

That's all
that's been bothering you?

It's not just that.

It's that I'm lying to my wife
about homeschooling the boys.

And the hamsters.

And everything that led up
to the homeschooling

and the hamsters.

I'm just anxious
for her to get home

and get everything
out in the open.

I'm a really bad liar.

Not very good
at keeping secrets, either,

so I hope you can help out
with that-- you and Lucy?

Of course.

We won't say anything
until you tell us we can.

And remember,

like you always say,
everything's going to be fine.

Thanks, Kevin.
I-I really appreciate it.

- Good night.
- Good night.

And, uh, you know,
I apologize about before.

Not a problem.


What'd you find out?

- You're not going
to believe this. -What?

He's having an affair?

He's avoiding
having an affair.

How is he
avoiding having an affair?

Evidently, this teacher

has really been flirting
with your dad,

and he got so upset over it

that he took the boys
out of school.

Well, they-they couldn't
just change classes?

He asked.

The principal won't let him.

W-Well, they have
to go to school.

He's going to homeschool them.

My dad is going
to homeschool Sam and David?


And how is he going to do that?

I didn't get
all the details.

He hasn't told your mom

and he's so nervous about it
that he's losing it.

Well, that's kind of sweet.

Kind of?

Kind of.
I mean, I don't know if my mom

will go along with the boys
being homeschooled.

I mean, she's really enjoying
having the house to herself

and a little bit of freedom.

I told him we wouldn't tell her.

He wants to tell her.

Yeah, all right, I understand.

And the hamsters--are they part
of the homeschooling?

Yeah, and the shampoo belongs
to Simon.

He left it at the house.

Simon pays more for his shampoo
than I do?

Yeah, some of your people,
as it turns out,

are expensive shampoo people.


Well, I guess the mystery
is solved.

Nice work, Kinkirk.

Yeah, thanks.


I guess the day Dad was down
at the school with Ben,

he must have got
in this big blowout

with the teacher
and the principal.

When was that?

Uh, that was... a week ago?

I think.

Yeah. It-it was the day

that we redid the guest room,

and I asked my dad
to go down to the hospital

to visit my homeless friend

and then he got home late,

and then we had
the not-a-birthday party.

Yeah, he went to the school
with Ben,

then he went to the hospital,
and then he came home late.

Do you remember anything else
about that day?

Yeah. He gave his favorite coat
to, uh, Stanley. Why?

No reason.

- I'll be back.
- Wait.

Why are you trying to figure out
what happened

when Dad told us what happened?

I'll be back.

Where are you going?

To find Stanley.

I miss Mom, but she would never
let us have a hamster.

Yeah, I miss her, too.

But I like having
just us guys in the house.

Me, too.

We got hamsters,

and we don't have to go
to school anymore.

And we get to eat hot dogs
all the time.

And I haven't had a bath

- in three days.
- Me, neither.

But I brushed my teeth.

Yeah, teeth are important.

The rest of the stuff
just takes care of itself.


Hey. Stanley, it's me,

Kevin Kinkirk.

Reverend Kinkirk's husband.

She's not here.

She's sorry that she missed you

- last week down at the hospital.
- Yeah, well, me, too.


That was an interesting day.

Nice shoes.

Thank you.

What made that day
so interesting?

Give me those shoes.

I can get you a pair
of shoes like this.

What's your size?

That's my size.

Give me them shoes.

Let me think about it.

What's there to think about?

You're looking for information,
aren't you?

Yeah. I want to know
what happened that day

down at the hospital
that was so interesting.

They gave me cheesecake
instead of Jell-O.

Anything else?

Anything else
will cost you them shoes.

Oh, no, no, no.

Put your wallet away, son.

I'm a barter man.

Give me the shoes.

Should you be smoking? Weren't
you just at the hospital?

Yeah, well, they didn't find
nothing wrong with me.

That's more interesting
than the cheesecake.

They didn't find
anything wrong with you?

Not a thing.

I'm in perfect health.

So if you're in perfect health,

why did Reverend Camden
give you his coat?

Give me the shoes.


Thank you.

So, are you going to tell me

why Reverend Camden
gave you the coat?

'Cause I look good in it.

Oh, come on, Stanley.
He could've bought you a coat.

Why'd he give you that one,
the one he was wearing that day?

You used to be a police officer,

- didn't you?
- Yes, I did.

So you know how to conduct
an investigation.


And I know how to be the subject
of an investigation.

Ax me anything you like.

I'm asking you

why Reverend Camden
gave you the coat.

'Cause he wanted to.

Why is that?

Give me that sweatshirt.

For what?

I like it.

Yeah, I like it, too,

and you haven't answered
my question

that I gave you the shoes for,

- so no sweatshirt.
- You show up at my house

in the middle of the night
asking me questions,

and I'm supposed
to tell you everything I know

because you give me a pair
of shoes? (splutters)

I thought that was the deal--

the pair of shoes
for you to tell me

how you got the coat, yes.

Here. Happy?

What does happiness have
to do with anything, man?

Stanley, just tell me

what you know about Reverend
Camden and what happened

- down at the hospital.
- I don't know,

but whatever happened

caused him to give me
this nice jacket.

And this sweatshirt
looks pretty cool

underneath this,
don't you think?

(Stanley chuckles)

And with these shoes...

I'm tight, brother.

You don't know?

No, I don't know.

But I know who does.


Give me them pants.

For what?

To complete my ensemble.


Hi. Sorry I woke you.

Good night.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You gave Stanley
your pants?

And my shoes and my sweatshirt.

And did he tell you anything?

Yeah, he told me your dad
got in a big fight

with the teacher
and the principal,

and that he took
the boys out of school

and he's going
to homeschool them himself.

- And that cost you everything
you had on? -Almost.

Yeah, people shouldn't bargain
with Stanley.

He always ends up
with the better end

of the deal somehow.

Yeah. Nice guy.

Everyone's not nice.
You know that.

You were a cop.

I guess I've been
away from it too long.

I should have known better.

Do you think Dad's
telling the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth

about Ms. Margo and school
and everything?

It looks that way.

I just can't believe that he
took the boys out of school.

Maybe he'll put them back in
before your mother gets home.


- Good night.
- Good night.

So we're going
to be studying...

...the metric system?

Who uses the metric system?

I mean, not this country.

They've tried
to put this over on us

one too many times, boys, so...

let's just skip this
and move on to something else.

Let me see...


Anybody home?

Hey, look who's knocking.

Come in. Come in.

Care to join us
for the first day of school?

Oh, no, I've got to run.

I just needed to drop this off.

I-I'm just trying to finalize

the Sunday school curriculum
for next year.

So, maybe you can take
a look at it

and tell me what you think
when you have

a few minutes.

Will do.
When I have a few minutes.

I'm going down
to the church office.

I can proof the Sunday bulletin

and make sure all
the announcements are in it

so I can get it
over to the copier.

Great. Thank you.

Oh, and there is
a budget meeting at 4:00,

but I called Lou and he said
it's just to tell you

that, uh, we're under budget
at this point.

- Oh.
- I mean,

there's a couple
of holidays coming up

in the next few months,
so we're probably

going to spend anything
that we've saved,

but, you know, right now,
we are under--way under.

So, um, you know,
don't bother coming in.

I'll take care of everything.

You know, I-I know you're busy.

Thanks, Luce,
I really appreciate it.

Well, you've been covering me
for a couple of months,

and I-I'm ready to get back--
I need to get back.

So, you know, enjoy the boys

and, you know, don't worry.

Your secrets
are safe with me.

Don't worry about anything.

I'll choose not to.

Good. Okay, bye.

See you guys later.

She's a good daughter,
that Lucy.

And a good sister.

And a good wife
and a good mother.

That's because you're
a good dad.

The best.

Thanks. I'm sorry.

It's just so nice of you guys.

Really. Thank you.

Can we have a pony?


I don't know.


We'll see how it goes
with the hamsters.

I can't really say anything
regarding the Reverend Camden,

and, uh, frankly, Kevin,
I'm surprised

you came to me instead
of to his regular doctor.

I mean, I'm not his doctor.

He's been seeing Dr. Dunne
for years now.

Do you have a relationship
with him?

No, but Mrs. Camden does,

and she called him,
and he said Dad hadn't been in.

He's due in,
but he hasn't been in.


I know Annie,
so I'm sure she'll get him in.

But you did see him
that day at the hospital?

Oh, I saw him, yes.

He was with our friend Stanley.

How is Stanley?

Stanley is Stanley.

Did you just intentionally
change the subject?

I can't tell you anything.

But there is
something to tell.