3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 8 - Red, White & Dick - full transcript

Dick loves America, but does America love Dick?

Announcer: Please rise
for the national anthem.


That's the most pathetic
wave I've ever seen.

These people are playing
a dangerous game.

They've crested
for far too long.

Sooner or later,
they've got to crash.

Hey, why don't you
show a little respect

for our national anthem, huh?

Yes, sir.

What do we do, Dick?

Just do what the
others are doing.

♪ Yea, though I walk ♪

♪ Through the valley of death ♪

♪ I know that ♪

Oh, check it out.

The words are on
the ruther-tron.

♪ Gallantly streaming ♪

♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting in Air ♪

♪ Gave Proof thro' the night ♪

♪ That our flag
was still there ♪

♪ Oh, say does that star
spangled Banner yet wave ♪

♪ Orr the land of the free ♪

♪ And the home of the brave? ♪

One more time!

I cannot get that
song out of my head.

I know. It is, without a doubt,

one of the catchiest
songs I've ever heard.

As far as I'm concerned,

achy breaky heart is dead to me.

And now I can't get that
song out of my head.

Hey, guys,

check out what I
found in the closet.

It's the original copy

of the declaration
of independence.


Yeah, and it's on one
of the original copies

of a Rusty Burger place mat.

Look at this war-torn document,

stained with the blood and
mustard of patriots past.

That is so beautiful.

You know, humans have
such a deep love

for their country of origin,

They'd even lay down their lives for it.
Why is that?

It doesn't make any sense to me.

It's not like they have any
say in where they're born.

It's totally random.

Yeah, although a lot of chinese

tend to end up in China.

Hey, we're supposed
to be american.

We'd better get
with the program,

or it's gonna look
awfully suspicious.

Tommy, you study the
original documents

that created this country,
and see what's there.

Will do. Harry...

you cover anthems, and
American epic poetry.

Ok. And you, Sally,

I want you searching so much
microfiche at the library

that you'll wish we had
an internet connection.

Sir, yes, sir!


Ok, you heard the man.

Come on, americans,
let's get over here.

Let's start with this thing.

Um, blah, Blah,
Blah, blah, blah...

"We hold these truths
to be self evident.

"That all men are created equal,

but that they are endowed..."
Wait, wait, wait...


"That all men are
created equal."

We're all equal?
Well, that's cool.


So then, for us to be the
best americans we can be,

we need complete equality.

Yes, Yes, yes.

We need to share everything.

The food, the land, the work.

We'll commune together.


All right, But first
things first.

Who's in charge?

No one, that's the point.
We're all equal.

Right. Good catch. Ok, good.

Don't you think like, you know,

we need somebody to be
in charge of equality?

You know, just to make
sure things stay equal?

That's not a bad idea. Just
a little extra paperwork,

not much glory... but who?


You into it?

Me? Well, I don't know.

It would look good
on your resume.


Then I'd be the guy who's
in charge of equality,

and teaches math to
inner-city school children.

Harry, you don't teach math.

Ok, so I padded it.

Mary, just curious...

what would you give America

on a scale of 1 to 10?

Oh, I'd give it a 10.

A 10?

Why, what would you give it?

Oh, it would be up there.
A 7 or 8.

7 or 8?

Well, it's not set in stone.
Wow me.

Oh, Dick, there are
places in This world

where you would go to
jail, or even worse

for giving your
country a 7 or an 8.


America gives you
so many freedoms.

Fine, I'll give it a hard 8.

I'm sorry, I get a little
passionate about this.

You know, my family came
over on the mayflower.

The mayflower?

Oh, boy.

That's right. Nettie Albright

was one of the first settlers

to come to America
on the mayflower.

Nina, was your family
on the mayflower?

No, we came over on
a different boat,

but I'm sure we hooked
up with you all

right soon After we arrived.

Our family is a more
recent arrival,

so I... I guess we'll never be

as american as you are, huh?

Oh, no. You're
missing the point.

We're a land of immigrants.

The albrights founded America

so that people like you who
come from near and far

could share in its
freedoms and prosperity.

Is there such a
thing as too far?

Of course Not...

too many, maybe.

So we're the same. 2 americans.

Oh, I've never felt
as close to you

as I do right now.

What do you say we americans

slip into the copy room

and declare independence
from our pants?


Whoa, Whoa, whoa, what's
with the new shoes?

They're not new. I
got 'em 4 hours ago.


The equality Leader has decided

that there will be no
competition in dress.

If one of us gets New shoes,

we all get new shoes.

I'm down with that.

Nice job, equality Leader.

And your sundaes are ready.

And oop.

Hey, Tommy got more
ice cream than me.

Nope. Equal.

No, they're not.

The equality Leader has ruled.

Yeah. 1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.


I... I didn't get
any whipped cream.

The equality Leader has ruled.

Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, eh, eh.

4 cherries.

How's he gonna divide that up?

The Leader has ruled.

Please rise for the
pledge of allegiance.

Yes, the pledge. Up, up, up!

And No fancy alternate wording.

I want it performed
exactly as it appears

on my laminated bookmarker.

And begin.

Wait. Where do we look?

Uh, pair off and look
at your partners.

Don't... don't we have
to look at a flag?

Uh, yes, of course.
Uh, who has a flag?

No one brought a flag to class?

Caryn has a flag on her pants.

Oh, uh, great. Uh, Caryn,

please remove your pants

and pass them to the
front of the class.

No, Dr. Solomon, I'm not
gonna remove my pants.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

That would be degrading.

Just get up on the desk.

Come on. Up, up, up...

and up!

And, uh...

and begin.

All: I pledge allegiance
to the flag...

What flag is that?

Of the United States
of America...

Come on, sell it, sell it!

And to the republic for
which it stands...

To the republic for
which it stands!

One nation, under
god, indivisible...

Invisible? Who said invisible?

And justice for all.

What kind of a pledge is that?

Where's the passion?
Where's the enthusiasm?

Oh, never mind.

Caryn, get off my desk!

Hurry up. Harry's daily
address is about to start.

I don't like this.

Oh, I do.

Ever since I came
to this planet,

I've had to obsess
over what to wear,

and how much to eat, and
how to fix my hair.

But all of a sudden
there's order again,

and all my decisions
are made for me.

But we're losing
our individuality.

Why do you say
that, number 1258?

Citizens of America, I
am pleased to announce

that things have never
been more equal.

Enough! I have
installed intercoms

throughout the apartment

to better facilitate

No matter what room you are in,

I will hear you...

or you can communicate with me

on any and all
issues of equality

yup, Yup, yup, yup!

And No more shoes!

We will bury these shoes!

That is all.

Dick: Family meeting!
Family meeting!

Oh, you all look fetching.

You really think so?

I don't care.

Tommy, was the name of the
ship that brought us here

called the mayflower?

No, I think it was
called the z-5000.

The z-5000 Flower?

Uh, no. Just the z-5000.

Oh, too bad.

You know, I had such a great
time with Mary today.

In the past, there's always been

this human-alien Barrier,

but today, we were
just 2 americans.

You're canadian.


Your passport here
says you're canadian.


No! How come I'm not american?

Well, I thought it would
look pretty suspicious

if all 4 members of our family

were from the same country.

I can't argue with that logic.

But what am I gonna do?

How am I gonna tell Mary

that she's sleeping
with the enemy?

I don't think this is 4 cheeses.

I think this is 5 cheeses.

You know who I'd really like

to sit down and Spend
some time with?

Who? Canadian
Songstress Celine Dion.

Good, Dick.

That's right, I said canadian.

Who knew? I didn't...

because she's not one of those

in-your-face canadians.

She's just a normal person
like you and me, only...


Good for her.

You know, I... I
think the 2 of you

would be great friends.

I'm sure we would.

Oh, Mary, do you mean it?

No, I don't know
anything about her.

I don't listen to her music.

So, her shrill, canadian voice

sounds tramp-like to you?

I do not have a strong opinion

one way or the other.

Care for a canadian lager?

Oh, put that away!
We're at school!

Fine, fine.

Mmm, Mary, this canadian
Bacon is good stuff.

Would you like some?

I don't think I've ever
had canadian Bacon.

Oh, Mary, you've been having
it for the last 4 years!



Hello, citizen.

How may I help you?

I need toilet paper.

Sorry, today we are
distributing potatoes.

But I really need toilet paper.

Well, we've got sand paper.

Fine. I'll take a potato.

Tommy, you have To help me.

I need to become an american.

Well, I'm finding America

pretty oppressive these days.

I think you're lucky
to be a canadian.

Oh, there's only one
lucky canadian,

and his name is Peter Jennings.

Fine. If you want to be
an american so badly,

I'll just print you
up a fake passport.

Don't you get it, man?

I've been fake for too long.

For 5 years, I've been pretending
to be human with Mary,

but for one brief, shining
moment, we were both real.

Real americans. I
want that back!

Well, then, you'll have
to do it the hard way.

Apply for citizenship.

The hard way is
the American way.

Tell me about it.

I'm wearing standard
issue underwear,

and guess what? It rides.

Until I get my
american citizenship,

I'll... I'll just be careful
what I talk aboot around Mary.

Uh, uh...


Did I say "Aboot?"
Oh, I'm sorry,

I've been under a
lot of stress, eh?

Eh? Ooh!

So, Tommy...

I understand someone's
not too happy

with his underwear.

How did you know that?

I have eyes and ears everywhere.

I'm, uh...

here for my citizenship.

You mean you're here
to take the test?

A test? Oh, no, no, no.

No, that won't be necessary.

I think I'm exempt.

I regularly "Do" A woman

with close ties
to the mayflower.


Yes, the mayflower,
and yes, "Do."

Yeah, I don't think
you understand.

Um, why don't you take
these study materials

and just come back
when you're ready?

No, I... I'm ready now.

I... I've lied on
my tax returns,

I've been arrested, and I don't vote.
I'm a True american.

Test me. Test me now.

Ok, question one...

"How is the president of the
United States Elected?"

uh, no, I know this.

He or she... Yeah, right...

Is chosen on the basis

of how physically
attractive they are,

and their definition
of adultery.

And it doesn't hurt to
know Barbra streisand.

What the hell happened
to this place?

A revolution.

Tommy, did you see who did this?

It was me!

I want to live in a place

where I can be an individual.

Where I can express
myself freely

and Pursue my own happiness.

And you're gonna give
up America for that?

Don't you see? This isn't
equality, this is conformity.

The grand dream is dead.


I know that you've got some
history with this fellow.

What, me? No.

Then prove it. Take him out.

Fine. Go ahead. Strike me down,

but there are many more like me

who will stand up to you.

Who will pick up the
burning torch of freedom

and hold it high in my place.

And it's not a question

of if or when someone
picks up that torch.

It's a question of who.

I will.

I will...

pick up that torch.

Sally, are you with us?

I will...

kill you both in your sleep!

Dick, are you in here?

Yes. Quilted in darkness,
like a tiny snow Beaver

on the plains of saskatchewan.

What's wrong?

There's something I
haven't told you, Mary.

Oh, Dick, whatever it is,

whatever you've done,

you know I'll stand by you.

I'm a...

I'm a canadian.


A canadian.

Why were you afraid
to tell me this?

Because I was ashamed.

Someone with your lineage
would never knowingly consort

with someone whose money is 65 cents
to your dollar on a very good day.

Do you hate me now, Mary?

No, I still love you.

You do?

As a matter of fact,

I'm beginning to feel
a little better.

This explains almost
all of your behavior.

I wanted so badly to be
your american boyfriend.

I even took the
citizenship test,

but it was more complicated
than I thought.

Dick, we americans have a
rich and storied history.

It takes time and
perseverance to learn it all.

You would have aced that test.

You would have known who elects the
president of the United States.

Of course I would have, Darling,

it's the people.

No, it... it's the
electoral collage.

Wait, what, no... yes!
The electoral collage!

You didn't know that.
Oh, yes, I did.

Then tell me who
becomes president

if the president and
Vice President both die.

Secretary of state.

Wrong! Speaker of the house!

Swing and a miss!
Strike 2, yankee!

Why are you putting me on trial?

Because I've been through hell

trying to prove that
I'm worthy to be here,

while you, a great american,

a descendent of boat people,

you know just as little
about America as I do.

I know plenty.

No, you don't. Neither do I.

We don't know anything about this country.
Isn't that wonderful?

I love you, you beautiful
American idiot.

Go to hell, you
big, dumb canuck!


You know, America
is such an enigma.

If you're not born here,

you have to take a
test to live here,

but most of the people
who were born Here

would fail that test
as miserably as I did.

So then, maybe to
be truly American,

is to be ignorant of America

and to take it for granted
at every juncture.

Oh, my god, you guys,

do you know what this means?

The greatest americans
in this country

are sitting on this rooftop.

Ain't you proud, Harry?

♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting in Air ♪