3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 7 - B.D.O.C. - full transcript

Tommy goes away to college, causing Dick extreme parental withdrawal. Meanwhile, Sally & Harry interview potential replacements, and Sally hires a "pretty boy" to be the new information officer.

You guys didn't have to do this.

We couldn't send you off to
college unprepared, Tommy.

I hope we got the right kind.

We shopped for hours.

It's beer!


Not just beer, but...

fake I.D.

Look at you, Tommy.

The first Solomon
to go to college.

You get to explore New
horizons, expand your mind,

and help us to
further understand

that curious race we call human.

Yeah. Plus I don't have to live
with you freaks anymore, you know?

We're so proud.

Well, you folks say
your good-byes.

We've got a long
drive ahead of us.

I'll load this into the car.

Well, gosh,

well, take care of
yourself, Tommy.

I feel like I'm gonna cry.

Hey. Ah-choo!

No, not cry. Sneeze.

All right. Bye-Bye.

Bye, our little
information Officer.

How in the world are we
ever gonna replace you?

Well, you know, you'll just...

Who are they?

Oh, we're interviewing
for your replacement,

so if you could just...

Bye-Bye, Tommy!


Hi, there. Welcome.

How are you? Hi.
Nice to see you.

Well, this is a very
impressive rÉsumÉ, Christie.

I'm hoping I can
leverage my skill set

to maximize the mission's

You hear that?

She's gonna somethin'
the mission's whatever.

Christie, ok, we've got
some other aliens to see,

but we're very interested,
and we'll be in touch.

So, uh, can we reach you at
the transmitter in your head?

I have a machine.

Oh, that's great.

So, uh, Christie,

how you gettin' along
with your body?

You like the boobs?

No. No, I really don't.

Mmm. Yeah. The smaller
ones aren't as much fun.

Well, Bye-Bye.

So what do you think, Harry?

Well, I think she's our man.

Oh, she's amazing.
She's got the job.

Let's just Crank through
this next bunch of bozos

'cause we're not gonna find anybody
better, and then we'll just...


I'm here for the interview.

You're hired.

Really? That's great. Thank you.

I'm Bryce canyon.

Oh, I like that.

Sally, can I talk to
you for a second?

Sure. I'll be right back, Bryce.

Oh, isn't he great?

I thought we were
gonna hire Christie.

I hated Christie.

You didn't even ask
him one question.

I think you just wanna hire him
because he's a pretty boy.

Fine. You want a question? Ok.

Bryce, when can you start?


That is the greatest answer to
any question I have ever...

well, here it is, Tommy...

Your first dorm room.


Hey, check this out, Dick.

These walls are
real cinder block.

Oh, I don't think so.

Dear god, they are!

Oh, this must be my roommate.

His name's Joel.

I guess he's asleep.

I don't think he's asleep.
I think he's passed out.

Kahlua and creme.

I know he's unconscious,

but I really get that kinda
buddies-for-life vibe, you know?

You know what I was thinking?

With you here at college
and me back in Rutherford,

this will be the first time
we've been separated in...

how many missions have
we been on together?

Oh, dozens.

It's not gonna be the
same without you, Tommy.

You were my right arm,

the one I could always
turn to for good advice.

I learned a lot from you.

Well, thanks, Dick.

If you wanted to say that you
learned a lot from me, too...

that would be fine.


I mean, I must've
learned something.

Well, thanks, Tommy.


Well, my friend...

I'll see you in 4 years.

5, if you're doin' it right.

Yep. Magnificent.


So, Bryce, I understand you've
gathered some information for us.

We're all dying to hear it.

Well, earth beings,
otherwise known as humans,

get around in cars,

which have 4 wheels.

Humans... have no wheels.

Yeah! We've known that
for weeks, Bryce.

Why don't you tell us
something we don't know?


Go on, Bryce.

Well, uh...

there are only 2 bagpipe
factories in the world.

One in edinburgh, scotland, 6
grant road, and the other's in...

New guy, new guy, New guy!

You've gotta be more specific!

What side of the Road?

Well, the factory's on the
left side of the road and...

No! It's too late now!

Hey, Hey, hey.

Please, go easy on Bryce.

I'm impressed with his work.

Exceedingly impressed.

Oops. I dropped my pencil.



Oop... hey!

Morning, everybody!

Oh, morning, Dick.

Say, have you met Bryce canyon,

our new information officer?

Oh, hello, Tommy.


Oh, of course.

Tommy used to be our
information Officer.

He's away in college now.

You would have liked him.

I liked him.

Say, Bryce, we need some
sunbathing information.

What do you say you grease
up, hit the rooftop,

and I'll check on your
progress later, huh?


Ok, great.


Ooh, it's nice to have some
New blood around here, huh?

Yes, but it is kind of odd

to see someone else
sitting in Tommy's chair.

Well, it's not Tommy's
chair anymore.

It's Bryce's chair.

Don't you dare say that.

That's Tommy's chair. That'll
always be Tommy's chair.

He's not dead. He's just in a
different location! That's all!

Just in a different location!

What is wrong, Dick?

I just don't want anybody sitting
in the wrong chair. That's all!

Excuse me. Where's the roof?

Ah, forget the roof.

You know, there's a little
light comin' in here.

You just lie down right there.


see, Harry, this is the kind
of information we need.

Tommy. Oh, there you are.

Dick, what the hell
are you doing here?

I just wanted to see
how you were doing?

Eh, who's this?

Uh, Dick, this is Cindy.

Um, Cindy, this is my dad.

Your dad? That's cute.

See ya.

Ah, oh, all right. Ok.
See ya later, cind.

See ya later, cind.

I think she thinks
you're a dork.

Why are you here?

Because I'm worried about you.

I sensed that there
was something wrong.

What are you talking about?
I'm having a great time.

I feel like we pressured
you into going to college.

It was my idea.

You mustn't be so
hard on yourself.

Why don't you just forget the
whole thing and come home?

Dick, I want to go to college.

You could go to Pendleton.

I don't want to go to Pendleton.

You've been telling
me for 6 years

how much Pendleton sucks.

Oh, no, but it's
gotten much better.

We just painted.

I am not leaving.

Oh, well, all right.
I guess I was wrong.

You don't want to leave,

and I completely
respect your desires.

I'm sorry I barged in on you.

I guess I'd better get back.

All right.

Oh, by the way,

good luck on the freshman prank.

Hmm. What. What? Freshman Prank?

Yeah. You know, that sort of
anti-social, rebellious act

that wreaks havoc, but makes you
the most popular man on campus.

Good luck with that.

Wait. Wait. What do you mean?

Like putting a goldfish
in the dorm water cooler?

Oh, no. No. No. No.

Something much more
destructive than that.

You've got to do some
real damage if you want

to set the girls'
hearts a-flutter.

Eh, mm-mmm. I don't know.

No. I understand. It
is a risky endeavor.


look at your friend Cindy,

talking to that young
rascal over there.

I wonder what sort
of Freshman prank

he's cooking up.

You got any ideas?

Only about a million.


I've been waiting for
that report on mustards

for over an hour.

Well, I'm still
working on it, sir.

Yeah, well, while you
dilly-dally around,

I got a pastrami and cheese here

that's not getting eaten.

You're the information officer.

What's the proper mustard
for my situation?

Well, sir, you could try yellow,

or maybe dijon...

you're just guessing.

I know. I'm sorry.
I'm a screw-up.

I feel like I don't
know what I'm doing.

Have you ever felt that way?


No, but everyone's different.

This is such a tough planet.

I mean... hey,
would you help me?

You know, be my mentor?

If I had a Nickel for every time

someone asked me that.

Well, the first
thing you got to do

is just sort of get comfortable

in your own skin.

About that...

it feels so tight,
especially under the arms.

Hmm. You know what's
good for that?


Yeah, you just lube
them bad boys up,

they work all day.

I'm... I'm gonna try that.

Also, a little bit
of advise HERE:

Gum can double as adhesive,

But most adhesives

do not necessarily
double as gum.

This is great, sir.

No. No. You don't have
to call me "Sir."

Call me "Your honor."

Your honor.

Yeah. Little bit louder.

Your honor. That's it.

Ok. That should do it.

All right. Yeah.

When the Chancellor
comes in here tomorrow,

he's gonna flip.

Oh, yeah. He'll have to flip.

He'll have to flip! Ha HA!

Ooh, ooh. No, wait.

What do you say

we take off the doorknob?

Yeah. That'll really
get his goat.

Oh, yeah. It sure will.

There we are.

Now for the signature moment:

The pulling of the fire alarm.

The fire alarm? Oh, yeah.

You always got to
pull the fire alarm.

Nice touch.

Ok, Tommy.

Go get the toolbox, and
we are out of here.

Dick, open the door.

You have the... You
have the doorknob.

I know.

Oh, my god! You planned this.

You're trying to
get me expelled!



And that's why old
men wear their pants

higher than young men.

That is fantastically useful.

Bryce, thank you so much
for staying up tonight

and helping me out
with this crunch.

Well, that's my job.

Ah, you know,

you're making quite
a name for yourself

in the organization.
"Sally's boy wonder,"

that's what they're calling you.

Who's calling me that?


Let's take a 5, shall we?

Let me pour you a glass of wine.

My research tells me

that alcohol dulls your senses

and impairs your judgment.

I had not heard that.

You know something, Bryce?

If you play your cards right,

I really think you have
a chance to go far.

How far? All the way...

but that's just the beginning.

How can "All the way"
Be just the beginning?

I like the way you
think, Bryce...

but you can stop now.

Don't you want to hear
the rest of my research?

Ooh, I'm dying to,
but you know what?

This chair isn't
very comfortable.

I want to sit where
you're sitting.

No. No. No. Don't get up.

Ok. What you got?

Well, Uh, uh, traffic lights.

Green means "Go."


You cracked the code.

Let's celebrate.

Oh. Oh, aah, unh.

You know, if we're
through working tonight,

I think I'm gonna turn in.

Oh, no. We're not
through, Bryce.

You come back here, and you
finish what you started.

I'm beginning to wonder

if you care about
traffic lights at all!

Oh, Bryce, no!

I came as soon as I heard.

Tommy, what were you thinking?

You set me up, you bastard!

He's been saying
that all morning.

Sure. Blame dad.

I suppose you'll be sending

this good-for-nothing
home with me.

Well, it is a serious offense.

Where are the expulsion forms,

in your desk?

I could give you a leg up.

Tommy, for your infraction,
I am issuing a warning.

That's it, Tommy.
Pack your bags.

Get in the car... A warning?

Dr. Solomon, this
is an institution

of higher learning after all.

And we don't want to stifle

youthful exuberance.

But a warning?

Why don't you just give
him a big wet kiss?

Dr. Solomon, it
was only a prank.

Only a prank?

You should wipe scum like
this off your campus!

I remember my own
freshman prank.

I messed with the
marching band's formation

and made 'em spell
out a dirty word.

That's very funny.

Well, it's nothing like this.

Well, you're too kind.

What's happening here?

Are you dating anyone?

I have a daughter
about your age.

I'd love to meet her.

Wait a minute.

I'm gonna call her up.
She ought to see this.

Such attention to detail.
I love the coffee mug.

Thank you.

The coffee mug was my idea.

This whole thing is mine. He
had nothing to do with it.

I'm the mastermind behind
the freshman prank.

Oh, really?

Yes! If there's anyone

you should be foisting your
daughter off on, it's me!

Get out of here!

Good day, sir!

That's a picture of my daughter.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Sally, sit down.


Sally, there's been a
complaint made against you

by one of the employees
of the mission.


Bryce, do you wish
to remain anonymous?

Sally, Bryce feels
that you've been

sexually harassing him,

and he has requested

that he, at no time,

be left alone in
a room with you.

I think that's something
I'd like to discuss

with Bryce privately.

Ok, I'll leave you 2 alone.

Harry? Would you please stay?

All right.

Bryce, look...

you're very new here,

and you must have misunderstood

my professional encouragement.

I mean, a Pat on your muscular
back is not harassment.

Well, I looked it up,

and according to state laws,

harassment is any verbal
or physical overture

that makes me feel

and I'm very uncomfortable.

Well, if you're not comfortable,

you should take off your pants.

Casual thursday.

That is it!

I don't think I can work
here with Sally around.

Now either she goes, or I go.


Ok. Everything you
said was True, Bryce.

I treated you like a
sexy, hunky object

instead of a sexy, hunky
employee, and I'm sorry.

I'm the one who should go.

This is good. The system works.
Bye-Bye, Sally.

See ya, Harry.


look, it's a small universe,

and we may work
together again...

so I just want to say
that I've learned

a really valuable lesson
here today, and...

well, no hard feelings.

Of course not.

Cool. In you go,
you piece of meat!

We're never hiring
anyone ever again.

Well, with him gone, I
guess you'll be wantin' me

to oil up and put
on the speedos.

Oh, no, no.


I came to tell you I'm leaving.

Then leave. But I can't leave

without speaking my mind.

Well, you never could.

You are making a big
mistake, mister.

College is not what
you think it is.

Oh, it doesn't
matter what I think.

It's a big, ugly machine

that will Chew you
up and spit you out.

I don't approve of college.

You teach at a college.

Oh, sure. Throw that in my face.

You know what the problem

with your generation is?

You never had to work!

Work? I work! I'm
third in command

on this stupid mission.
Oh, ha ha ha.

Oh, ha ha ha. You know,

I don't even know who
you are anymore.

You've changed. I've not...

Oh, yes, with your new
life of learning,

your internet, your nintendo,
your fancy friends.

Your tv, your virtual reality,

your... your... and your...
I... I don't even know!

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?
What am I talking about?

I'll tell you what
I'm talking about!

I don't want you to go!

I don't want you to go.

Come here. Sit down.

Come on.

Why did you have to grow up?

I don't know.

It was just the body I picked.

Well, I don't like it.

Parenting's hard.

You give love, you give
encouragement, you give support...

and then, if you do a good
job, they just go away.

Well, then, I guess you did a
pretty good job then, right?

What do you mean?

Parental love at It's best.

It's the only love there is

that inevitably leads
to separation.

How do you always
know these things?

I'm the information officer.

I sent you a memo
on this years ago.

Well, then, I guess I did
do a pretty good job.


You all right?


You want a beer?

Sure. Ok.

There's beer in this room.

Nice to meet you, Joel.

Isn't this yours?

No, no, no. I was just leaving.

I'll see you at thanksgiving.

J... ok.

So, how did things work
out with the new guy?

Oh, well, he decided to pursue

career opportunities elsewhere.

You came on to him, huh?

Yeah, like Germany
came on to Poland.

Our first Sunday
night without Tommy.

Feels kind of funny being out
here without him, doesn't it?

Yeah, it kind of does.

But you know, I'm ok with it.

After all, I've been left

with 2 of the greatest guys

I've ever been on
a mission with.

Oh. Oh.

Hey, guys.

All: Hey, Tommy.

What's goin' on?

Well, school's
only an hour away,

so I figured I could
do my laundry here.

I wonder what Tommy's
doing right now?

He's separating his whites.

Yeah, and maybe
starting to presoak.

Mmm. I hope he goes
easy on the bleach,

but you know Tommy. He won't.

No. Never.