3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 9 - Dick Digs - full transcript

Sally, Harry and Tommy rent out Dick's room, while Dick and Mary are away on an archaeological dig, where Mary is disappointed to come up empty after Dick finds a "pointy rock".

Well, yes!

Oh, I'm so

Thank you so much!

Dick? Do you know
who that was?

You've been on the phone
for 10 minutes, Mary.

You'd think you'd know
who you were talking to.

It was Dr. Powell,
the archeologist!

He's leading a dig tomorrow
at the Pawchuk Indian mounds,

and he asked me to come!

You're going on an actual
archeological dig?
That sounds so exciting!

It sure does!
Can I have tomorrow off?


We are going to have
the best time together.

Whoa-- uh, Dick, I don't
think I'm allowed to bring
a guest.

Of course you are!
This is a free country!

That's exactly what
the Indians fought for!

Gee-- I don't think
I could--

Oh, Mary, please.

For years, you've
been talking about

all the digs you've
been on, and all
the stuff you've found.

And for once in my life,
I wanna see it,

instead of being bored
to tears, hearing about it.

Well, it would be nice

to share the thing
I love the most with...

the person I love
the most.

Oh, terrific!

I'm going to the mall
right now,

to buy some field boots.

Can I borrow your Visa card?

I hope they take

♪ [rock 'n' roll]

Okay, thanks.
Have a good time.

You guys ready
to go?

Hey! What's with
all the cars?

The Rutherford
Garlic Festival
is this weekend.

Dubcek's chargin' people
$20 to park on her lawn.

Whoa. She charged me
way more than that

when I parked
on her lawn.

You didn't park
on her lawn.

You parked on
her foot.

And she didn't charge you.
She sued you.

Excuse me.

We've been driving
around for hours.

Do you know of any
hotels that have rooms?

I believe that all
hotels have rooms.

Town shouldn't put
on a garlic festival

if they don't have
adequate lodging.



Dick's gone.
We could rent out his bed.

Whoa, wait a second.

If we're gonna go that route,

why not rent out
the whole room?

Ah, well.
This is it.

Umm, bedroom's
right through there.

And, uh...40 bucks
a night, it's yours.

Oh. It's really

I like how nothing

What doesn't match?

I don't know.

When do you
have breakfast?

Uh... usually about
10 minutes after I wake up.

Oh, oh, oh.

Is it possible
to get reservations

for dinner tonight
at Lo'Berge.

I guess.

I mean, we have a phone.

Anything's possible.

This is a terrific deal.

How come you're not
in the Crown Travel Guide?

Trown travel guide?

Oh, yeah! If they give
your place four stars,

you'd be booked solid.

How do you get four stars?

Uh...great service.

Make a lot of money.

Welcome to the Inn
at Solomon House.

We are here
to service you.

Uh, Dr. Albright.

Oh, Dr. Powell.

Oh, thank you so much
for inviting me.

I guess my knowledge of
the Pawchuk Indians
had a lot to do with it.

Yes. That and the fact that
Dr. Davis went into labor.

I just heard you took
the liberty of bringing
your boyfriend?

Oh, he's not just
my boyfriend.

Dr. Solomon is a professor
of physics,

and a brilliant educator.
He'll be a tremendous asset.

I just whipped a twig
off a birch tree.

Now let's go find
ourselves a mummy!

[whips snaps]

Was that an icebreaker
or what?



What are you doing?
You look like a fool!

Here, Mary. Put this
apple on your head.

There's a good chance I'll
be able to whip it off.

Gimme the whip.

Give me the whip.

Give me the machete.

I'm not giving you
the treasure map.

Gimme the treasure map.

Now don't show it
to anybody.

I'm serious.

Come here, Dick.

Come here.

This is your square foot,
right here.

Okay. Now take the trowel,

and the sable brush,

and the air bulb.

And gingerly dust
away the sediment,

one thin layer at a time.

Oh, come on. Let me use
some of my dynamite.

A couple of M-80's,
and we'll be picking

sacred Pawchuk crap
out of our hair.

This is how we do it.


Why don't I just take a nap,
and see if anything sticks
to my back?

Ana. Hello to you, too.

Listen. I have some
guests, who are

dying to take a tour
of the mayor's residence.

Excuse me?

Look, I voted
for your husband.

So the least you could do

is let some strangers
poke around your condo.

Oh, really?

Well, the same to you,
Mrs. McCheese!

Bad news.

She's recovering
from lipo.


Did you change the sheets
in the guest room?

Uh, better. I put on
some cologne and rolled
around on 'em.

Just change them, okay?

And I'm gonna need you
to make some radish flowers

for tonight crudités.
[fingers snapping]
Get to it.


What's with the snapping?

It's the international
sign for "Get to it".

Either snap or say
"Get to it."

You don't have
to do both.

[finger snaps]


[both] ...to it!


I just noticed that
the sand ashtray

does not have an impression
of our hotel's crest.

Mm-- what's our
hotel's crest?

A giant "S" with
a deadly python!


Dick, do you realize

that hundreds of years ago,
Indians raised families here,

and hunted here,
and built villages here?

Well, they had the good
sense to die here.

I wish I was with 'em.

I'm not here for 5 hours,

and all I've found
is this long pointy rock.

Wait a minute.
Let me see that.

This isn't a rock.
This is a spear head!

It is?
Are you sure?

I'm telling you this
is over 400 years old!

Look at those edges!

Oh, my God!
It is a spear head.

If you can't see that,
Mary, you're a blind fool!

Well, congratulations!

Give me my spearhead!
You'll ruin the edges!

Oh, this is the best!


Foop! Foop!

[moans with excitement]

Your prodigal son
has come home.

Foo foo foo foo foo!

Here ya go, ma'am!
Hot apple cider.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! It's-- it's--
it's a bit spicy.

No. It's perfect.

I think it's too spicy.

No, I think you
should just drink it.

Uh, Mrs. Russell.
Let me get you

another cup of cider
that's more to your liking.

Harry? Kitchen.

You're crazy.

What was that out there?

I know. That lady doesn't
know her ass from her
apple cider.

And you don't know anything
about the hotel business.

What the customer wants,
the customer gets.

Yeah. Sally gets them

and you get 'em flower

and I get to get 'em
toilet paper.

It's just not fair!

I don't care what's fair!

What I care about is four stars
in the Crown Travel Guide!

Well, I think that's bogus!

Then I think you're fired!

You can't fire me!
I quit!

All right. Then
understand this.

If you quit, you're fired.

I quit!
You're fired!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Where did that come

Who held this magnificent
pointy stone?

Some mighty warrior?

Or perhaps a tiny
Pawchuk brave,
whose mother said,

"Be careful, Freddy.
You'll put an eye out
with that thing."

You know, you're not
even supposed to have
that in here.

All artifacts are supposed
to be inventoried

and kept in the supply tent.

I bet he was fat.

A big fat guy,

walking around,
jabbing at bison

like he owned the place.

Or maybe he was
a little girl.

Would you stop?

What's the matter
with you?


I mean, it's-- it's
not that big a deal.

People find artifacts
every day.

Well, maybe it's not
that big a deal to you.

You've found hundreds
of artifacts.

But don't you remember
what it felt like when
you found your first one?

I don't wanna talk about it.

But tell me
about it, Mary.

What was it like?
Tell me.

C'mon. Tell me...

I've never found a single
artifact in my whole damn life!


Now you know.

Are you happy?

Well, what about all those
objects in the office?

The coins.
The pottery.

I bought them at airports.

Well, what about your prized
Chuchubian death mask?


Ooh, Mary.

I'm so sorry that
I found something.

I wish you were me.

It's not just you.

I mean, people were
pulling things up all day.

And then when Dr. Powell
found that ceremonial
wedding moon.

I would have killed
to have found that.

What is it you want, Mary?

Is it the moon?
Is that it?

[imitating Jimmy Stewart]
Do you want the moon, Mary?

Can't believe
Harry quit on us.

Left us with all
this work.

I told you to do
a background check.

I mean, he came so
highly recommended.

Uh, you might wanna
check out the tub.

I think the drain's clogged.

Yes, sir. We will get

right on that, sir.

Thank you for
letting us know.

Why do these people
need to bathe every day?

Why does the hairiest guest
always have to wear my robe?


Oh my God, Harry!
Thank God you're back!

Hey, it's great
to see you, man.

Now I know that
regaining our trust
will be difficult.

But I think that
snaking the bathtub drain
is a good place to start.

That how you greet
all your guests?

I'm sorry?

I'd like a room.

I'm checkin' in.

What are you
talking about?

I'd like a New York Times
on my doorstep every morning,

with the crossword puzzle
already filled out.

For breakfast, I'd like
a small glass of juice.

Whichever kind
you're out of.

And I'd like to start
with a nice warm bath.

There's absolutely no way
you're getting a room here.

"Dear Crown Travel Guide,

"The Inn at Solomon
House stinks!"

I'll show you
to your room.

Oh oh oh, miss!

Could you get the luggage?
Thank you very much.

Why do I do this?

I just keep
going through life,

trying to find new ways
to prove what a loser I am.

Oh, Mary. Stop.

You don't have
to prove that to me.

Why don't you
take a little break?

And-- and go get yourself
a cup of coffee, huh?


So, uh...Mary.

Caffeine kick in yet?

You ready to dig? Huh?

You know, I'm done
for the day.

Ooh! What?

Oh, no, you can't give up now.
Not when you're so close!

You know, I'm-- I'm
gonna be in the tent.

No! But this is your
lucky day.

Oh, I doubt that.

Oh, no no. Trust me.

No, I'm leaving--
Get back in the pit,
you loser!


Please. I'm sorry. I--

I'm just trying
to make you feel better.

Here. Give it
a few more minutes.

I believe in you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Why don't you try
over there, hm?

Wait, wait. Ho! Wait,
wait-- wait a second!

Whoa. Don't tell me
you found something.

I did!
I think I did!

Are you sure?
Now, don't toy with me!

My heart can't take it!

I'm serious!

It's a ceremonial
wedding moon,

just like the one
Dr. Powell found.

Oh, my stars.
Will you look at that?

I can't believe this!

I actually found
something on my own!

Oh, hon. Who was there
for you in your darkest
hour, huh?

Oh! Dick!

A little sugar
this way?

Oh, thank you so much!

Thank you for having
the confidence in me

that I'd lost.
Oh, I love you so much.

Come. My Indian princess.

Let's go down to the river,
shed our buckskins,

and party like
it's 1399!

Woop woop!

Come on! Rub me!

I just--
I don't wanna!

Rub me, woman!

[long moan]

That's the stuff!

Did you get me those
Les Mis tickets?

I looked into it, and
it's not playing in Ohio.

Well, after dinner, maybe
you and the boy'll act it out.

This ceremonial
wedding moon

that I unearthed today

may change the way we think
about the Pawchuk Indians.

Perhaps all Indians.

Ladies and gentlemen:
Archeologist of the Day,

Mary Albright.
Oh, no, no...

Yes! Yes!
Please, no...

There will be a small
but formal party

for Dr. Albright,
tonight at 8.

B.Y.O. weenies.

Oh, Dick.

For the first time
in my life,
I feel legitimate.

Oh, that is so great.

But you don't you think
it's time we took that
moon thing

and discreetly mixed it in
with all the other artifacts?

Not just yet.


Dr. Albright.
Dr. Powell.

I heard you found another
ceremonial wedding moon.

I find that hard
to believe.

Why? Because it refutes
those theories

you've been spewing
for the past 10 years,

about the Pawchuks
being monogamous?

Where did you get
that jacket?

Is that real canvas?

Let me see that
wedding moon.

No! Don't give it
to him, Mary.

He just want
to see the moon.

What'll he want
to see next?
Your bank account?

Come on.
Let's blow this...


[Man] Dr. Powell!

I just went to get
your wedding moon.

It's missing.

It's not missing.
It's right here.

Mary Albright stole it!

No, I didn't!

Just ask Dick!
He was with me when I--

Oh my God.

You stole it, didn't you?

Oh, that's insane.
I'm not on trial here!

You are!

Give me the moon,
Dr. Solomon.

Forget it.
Give me my moon!

No! I will not give it!
It's not yours!

It belongs to
the Pawchuk Indians!

And the river that
they swam in!

[everybody gasps]


Oh my God!

Dr. Albright,
after this,

I can assure you
that you and your...

doofus boyfriend will never
be on another dig again!

You know, I got a lot
of respect for you people

in the service industry.

Takes a very dedicated
person to wait on

somebody hand and foot.

Haven't you ever heard
of a corn pad?

You know what I'd like
for you to arrange
for me, later on?

A bachelor party.

And you be
the entertainment.

Come here, baby!

Let me go!

That is it.
I quit.

What? No, no--
You can't just quit.

I'm not just quitting.
I'm also checking in.

No, you can't do that.
But then you're leaving me
with the whole workload.

What about
the other guests?

I'd like some
juice, please.
Oh, two.

I'm not serving
you people juice.

Dear Crown Travel Guide...

I don't give a rat's ass what
the Crown Travel Guide says.

I want juice.
I want a pedicure.

I want a lap dance
at Harry's bachelor party!

No, I quit!

Excuse me, can I get
some fresh towels?

I'm sorry. We don't
work here anymore.



So why don't you
get your own towels?

Ooh, wait a second,
I have a better idea.

Why don't you
get out of our house?

Yeah, get the hell
out of our house!

[all three]
Get out!

Oh, how was your trip,
Dr. Albright?

Did you find anything?

I sure did.

The low point
of my life.

Let me guess, Dr. Solomon
helped you find that.

Dr, Solomon?
Oh, he's dead to me.

I knew you'd come around.

Hello, Mary.

You must be
very mad at me.

Oh, what makes you say that?

I had a lot of time to think
about it on my walk home.

I've got nothing
to say to you.


I'm so sorry.

What I did was stupid
and irresponsible.

But I did it
because I love you.

That's what you do
for someone you love?

You destroy their
reputation? Their integrity?

Haven't you ever heard
of giving chocolates?

When you said that you
had never found an artifact...

it just broke my heart.

I wanted you
to feel what I felt

when I discovered
my spear head.

And you did.

For one beautiful moment,
you felt it.

And you'll always have this
to remember it by.

Oh, my God, it's--

It's the ceremonial
wedding moon.

I thought you threw
this in the river.

No, that was my spear head.

I figured, I'll
find something else.

I'm not so sure
about you.

I can't keep this.

Why not?

Because it's not mine.

It's--it's Dr. Powell's.
He's the one who found it.

Oh, he's a pompous boob.

But he found it.

He'll never miss it.
Oh, yes he will.

He thinks it's at
the bottom of a river.

Let's go get
a display case.

Hey, you guys.

Look what I stole from
that place that we stayed
at this weekend.

Harry, you can't steal
your own shampoo.

Harry, do me a favor,
will you?

Balance this apple
on your head and stand up.

Well, all right.

Watch this, guys.

[whip snaps, Harry screams]

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