3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 20 - Dick Solomon's Day Off - full transcript

You've got to get a
laser Pointer, Mary.

Look, it's on the globe.

You can refer to
things on the board

without ever leaving your desk.

I bet you could drive
cats crazy, too.

I wouldn't know.

But squirrels hate
the crap out of 'em!

What's so funny?

Vincent was just showing
me his laser Pointer.

Oh, big deal. Anybody can be
funny with a laser Pointer.

Now cut that out!



You're an idiot, Dick.

Good-Bye, Mary.

Good-Bye.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, see you later, carrot top!

Why do you hate him so much?

Because he's an arrogant,

loudmouthed, self-absorbed
know-it-all.

Dick, that's you.

You didn't let me FINISH:

With a beard.

If you were thinking
I don't like him

because the two of you
had a fling years ago,

you're wrong.



Because it didn't
even occur to me.

So, you're wrong.

Ok.

You know, I'm not
feeling too great.

If it's ok with you, I'm gonna
go home and get into bed.

Oh, of course It's ok with me.

And if you don't feel well
tomorrow, don't bother coming in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

She can't stay home tomorrow.
It's a workday.

I want you to feel better, Nina,

But coffee doesn't just
magically float into my cup.

I'll leave some coffee
in the machine.

No, no, no... I don't
drink day-old coffee.

Yes, you do.

Hey, you guys, look at this.

Don left his little
radio here last night.

Oh, cool.

1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,

be on the lookout for
a bad guy named ADAM,

who's 12.

This isn't a walkie-talkie.
It's a scanner.

It picks up radio frequencies

from police cars
and fire trucks.

Don is so careless with
his police equipment.

Yeah. Did he ever find his gun?

Not yet. The one in his
holster's from a g.I. Joe set.

Woman on SCANNER: This
morning was great, Steve.

Hey, check this out. We picked
up somebody's cell phone.

Woman on SCANNER: I can't
wait to see you tonight.

Man on SCANNER: Yeah, you know,
um, about that, Andrea...

I have to work late.

But that's the third
time this week.

Look, you know, uh,
something came up.

I'll call you later.

I bet I know what came up.

Some floozy at a cheap
bar by the airport.

She seems so nice. You think
he'd really do that to her?

Of course he would. He's a guy.

Guys are such jerks.

Yeah, we make me sick.

God, it's a beautiful day.

The sun is shining.
The air is Crisp.

Damn, I wish I were sick.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Actually, I don't.

Well, when you have a
job and you're sick,

you get something
called a sick day,

which means you get
the whole day off.

But if you're sick, you
have to stay in bed.

Yeah, unless you said you were
sick when you really weren't.

Yeah, I mean, how
would they know?

They wouldn't.

Dick: You're right,
they really wouldn't.

Well, I'll see you. Bye.

Wait a second.

What's the matter?

What if I were to call in sick?

But you're not.

I know.

You've gone mad.

But it would be so easy.

Dick, if it were so easy,

don't you think Somebody
would have tried it already?

Look, someone had to
be the first person

to turn a corncob into a pipe.

Taking a sick day when
you're not really sick?

Sounds like a crime to me.

It's not a crime.

It's the crime of the century.

That's brilliant!

Turning a corncob into a pipe!

Are you sure, Sally?

'Cause I could have
sworn I left it here.

What did you say it was again?
A radio station?

A radio scanner.

Is that like a cat scanner?

No, I think if there was a
cat scan machine in here,

we'd know about it.

Just keep your eyes open.

Let me know if you find it.

Sally: Ok, we will, don.

And I hope you find your cat.

Yeah. Bye, don.

Hope we didn't miss anything.

Steve on SCANNER: What are
you accusing me of, Andrea?

Yes! It's on!

Andrea: I am done with
your lies, Steve.

Lies? What lies?

He is so busted!

Why weren't you at
your desk last Night?

Because the system was down.

By "System," he means pants.

This guy's classic.

Yeah, she's too good for him.

He needs a good ass-kissing.

Kicking.

Yes, kicking.

Hey, guys! You would
not believe my day!

Shhh!

Yup, got a facial,

went to the aquarium,
taunted the walrus,

then spent 4 hours
at the arcade,

where I won this!

Shh!

Andrea: That's it, Steve.
We're through!

What?!

I put all your stuff in a box,

and I'm going to
Frankie's right now

to pick up my dry cleaning.

You'll even have your stupid
sweater back! Good-Bye!

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't Frankie's our dry cleaner?

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Wait, wait, wait!

We don't have any dry cleaning.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Wait up... Hey, wait!

Dick?

Oh, hi, honey.

I brought you some soup.

I don't need any soup, Mary.
I'm not sick.

Then why'd you stay home?

I had a horrible case
of the fun-zies.

Ah-choo!

What's that?

I won it at the arcade.

The arcade?

You faked a sick day?

You're not gonna tell
anyone, are you?

Tell anyone?

Why didn't you call me?
I would have come!

You would Have?

Then let's do it tomorrow!

Ooh, tomorrow...

Oh, come on, Mary. It'll be fun.

Oh, I know it would be fun.

You know, I think I might be coming
down with a little something.

Well, then get the
hell away from me!

You're gonna ruin my day off!

So how do we know
which one is Andrea?

We've heard her speak.

Now we just listen
very carefully

for her voice.

Frankie: There you go, Andrea.

Well, it's not Frankie.

So, that's Andrea.

Wow, she's so beautiful.

She sounded heavier to me.

Well, you know, they say the
scanner adds, like, 8 pounds.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

You can't go up and
just talk to her.

She's, like, famous.

Come on, she looks
so sad and lonely.

I'm just gonna say
something to her.

Harry, don't. Don't. I...

Hello.

Hi.

I had a little
ice-cream situation.

You think Frankie Can handle it?

Oh. I guess.

Yeah, he's the best.

You know, he once got
a peanut butter stain

out of my cummerbund.

That was a cheap wedding.

Wow, you look so
pretty when you laugh.

I mean, so do I.

I can't believe Harry is
talking to the Andrea.

I can't believe Frankie
had his picture taken

with englebert humperdinck.

Dick: We won, Mary! We won!

Did you see how I dusted that
number-8 car on the last turn?

Did you have to throw
soda in his face?

This is go-carting, Mary.

You're either in it to
win, or you're not.

Man: I'd like a word
with you, 30 car.

Don't you know the rules?

That was bush-league!

Strudwick!

Dick! How come you're
not at school?

I... I am, I-I'm teaching
the physics of go-carting.

Nicely done, class.

What are you doing here?

Me? Well...

I'm dying, Dick.

I made a wish, and this is it.

Dying? Oh, come on, Vincent,

you could do better than that.

Oh, you're here, too.

Well, if you must know,
I called in sick.

You cheat!

You phony, lying fraud!

Let's rat him out to
the Chancellor, Mary.

You can't rat me out without
ratting yourself out, Dick.

How dumb are you?

Not dumb enough to have
a root beer beard!

Would the two of
you just shut up?

Now, we're all guilty
of the same thing,

So quit acting like babies,

and Let's go get some lunch.

We're not babies.

He's hitting me!

♪ YOU ♪

♪ Doin' that thing you do ♪

♪ You never even knew ♪

♪ About the heartache ♪

♪ I've been going through ♪

♪ Well, I try and try
to forget you, girl ♪

♪ But it's just so hard to do ♪

♪ Every time you do
that thing you do ♪

♪ I don't ask a lot, girl ♪

♪ But I know one
thing's for sure ♪

♪ It's the love I
haven't got, girl ♪

♪ And I just can't take it ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ Waah ♪

Wow, I've never seen a hot-air
balloon up so close before.

It is rather beautiful.

I wonder what it would feel like to
be so free, flying in the clouds.

That's the beauty of a
bird like a parrot.

It can tell you how it
feels to your face.

You know, they have
Champagne flights.

They leave every morning
out of hubris field.

Oh, I'd love to do that someday.

Let's do it tomorrow.
The three of us.

We all still have
sick days left.

I'm in!

Vinnie? Absolutely, dickie.

I just wish we had
some binoculars.

I have binoculars.
They're at the office.

I'll zip by at the
crack of dawn,

and we'll rendezvous
at the launch.

That would be wonderful.

I'll bring the sandwiches.

Do you like pimento loaf?

Perfect! Fried chicken it is!

Hey, guys, is anything going on?

Yeah, Andrea just
told her mother

that she met this great new guy,

and she's calling him right now.

Cool.

Well, should I answer it?

No, just let it ring.

Come on, pick it up, pick it up!

Why do people always call.

When something good is on?

It's just, like,
rude, is what it is.

Just pick it up!

Gosh, I can't take this.

I can't concentrate.

I'm gonna go answer it, ok?

The tension is killing me.

Pick up the phone, already!

Harry on SCANNER: Hello?

Andrea: Hi.

Harry, this is Andrea.

I got your number from
Frankie, our dry cleaner.

I can't talk right now.
My program is on.

Harry, Harry, it's Andrea!

I know. I'm trying to
get off the phone.

No, it's Andrea on the phone!

You're the new guy!

Aah!

What should I do?

Just talk to her.

Can I get some privacy?

Sure, man. Sorry.

You take your time.

Harry on SCANNER:
Well, hello, Andrea.

I like the new guy.

He's good.

Where are those binoculars?

Ah! There they are!

Vinnie's gonna love these!

Ah!

Chancellor.

Dick?

Wh-wh-what are you
doing here so early?

I saw the light on.

Early bird gets the worm, huh?

I don't know. You'd have to ask

someone from the
ornithology department.

I'm physics.

I always like to get in
before the crack of dawn

and Do my morning stretches.

I'm something of a yoga fiend.

You've seen me here, right?

Yeah.

Just checking.

Those are nice-looking
binoculars.

May I?

Why not? I won't
be needing them.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Vince.

Yeah, I got them. The Chancellor's
holding them right now.

I don't know. Yoga.

They're light but powerful.

Must be pricey.

So we're just going to
have to do it another day.

What do you mean you just
lifted her into the basket?

Are you still going?

Just the two of you, alone?

Was that a Champagne cork?

Hello? Hello?

That rat!

And to think I pedaled his
bony Ass around for miles!

I knew it!

What?

Dean Fleeger's
stealing toilet paper.

That's why he got a minivan.

Isn't it rich?

Aren't we a pair?

Me here at last on the
ground, you in...

midair.

Andrea on SCANNER:
So then my mom said,

"That's a terrible
name for a parakeet."

But to me, he just
looks like a Phillip.

Harry on SCANNER: Ha ha Ha ha!

Well, you tell Phillip

that I'll see him tomorrow.

I will.

And, Harry, I really
enjoy talking to you.

Blah, Blah, Blah, blah, blah.

This show has really gone downhill
since Harry was introduced.

Yeah. They need conflict.
Where's the conflict?

You know, it's gotten so Boring,
I'm actually thinking about

reading a book. What?!

Hey, you guys, guess what?

I've got a lunch date
with her tomorrow.

We know. We know.

Say, Harry,

you know what would make that
lunch date really interesting?

Show up 2 hours late
stinking of booze.

Yes!

I can practically hear her
crying to her girlfriend.

Now, that's entertainment!
Uh-huh.

No, I don't play those games.

I'm gonna treat her right.

Hey, what about us?

We're your audience!

You selfish bastard!

Aah!

Just take the money!

Dick, what are you doing here?

Whisking you away for
a glorious sick day.

It's gonna be great.

No strudwick to ruin it.

Oh, and I found a place
that rents rickshaws.

You, my lady, had better
put on your running shoes.

Dick, I can't take a sick day.

I've got the faculty seminar,

followed by the Chancellor's
crab-leg lunch.

But I've already called in sick.

I went with asiatic flu.

Very infectious.

Left untreated,
it could kill me.

You can't just keep
taking sick days.

Wait a minute. Is strudwick
gonna be at this lunch?

Well, the last time I talked
to him, he said he would be.

Spare me your Pillow talk, Mary.

I'm going to that lunch, too.

You can't!

You're pretending to
be sick, remember?

I'm going anyway.

Oh... I'm sorry, Dick.
I've got to go.

You're gonna lose me, Mary!

A good-looking man alone in the
streets with an empty rickshaw...

You're gonna lose me!

I've lost her.

So, at first, we thought that
there were just 5 puppies,

but it turns out
that there were...

Now get this...

6.

Riveting.

You should have seen
Harry holding them.

He was so sweet.

Yeah, not like that jerk Steve.

Steve?

Yeah, you know, your
cheating ex-boyfriend.

I never told you about Steve.

How do you know about him?

Ahh, it just got good again.

Shh, let's listen.

Andrea, my relationship with
you is based on the truth,

and I've decided that I
will never lie to you.

Lie about what, Harry?

Oh, my god, he's gonna tell her.

Oh, no, I gotta go
to the bathroom!

Can we pause it?

No. It's live.

During the past few days,

we've been listening to your phone
conversations over this scanner.

Oooh. Oooh.

You've been listening to
my private conversations?

We know about Steve

and your time with the moonies.

Oh, my god! I feel so violated!

Don't be! We're big fans!

We love what you do.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, Officer, thank god.

These weirdos have
been listening

to my private conversations

on this scanner.

Hey, my scanner! Thanks, guys.

Oh, my god, you're all
in on this together.

You people are freaks!

Freaks!

Bravo! Yes!

Yes!

Yes, you as well, my friend!

Excuse me.

Before you all go
back to your classes,

I just want to say one thing:

The centerpieces are
not take-homes.

Chancellor.

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm sorry I'm late.

A mere 2 hours ago, I
was on my deathbed,

but then I realized that
pendelton comes first.

That's why I'm revoking my
sick day to be here with you.

Hey, dickie, I thought
you were out sick.

Well, I'm here now, so
get out of my seat.

I'm not budging.

Just sit down, Dick, sit down!

Hey, Hey, hey!

Hey, what's all the commotion?

I'll tell you what
the commotion is.

This bearded snake took a sick
day off without even being sick

and spent the day
ballooning over Rutherford

with my girlfriend and
my Fried chicken!

Go home! Your fever is
making you say crazy things.

You're not even
supposed to be here!

You have asiatic flu, remember?

Asiatic flu? That's
highly contagious!

He should stay home for a week.

Oh, you'd just love to have me
out of the way, wouldn't you?

Dick, the entire
faculty's in this room.

I want you to go
home immediately.

Bye-Bye, Dick. Feel better.

Fine!

But if I'm going home, strudwick,
you're going home, too.

What? I'm not sick.

Oh, no? Say hello
to the asiatic flu!

What is wrong with you?!

Are you insane?!

Why the hell did you do that?!
You're not sick!

Yes, I am.

Oh, my god! No, I'm not!

Then why... Oh,

why did I use my tongue?

Too bad Things didn't work
out with you and Andrea.

Women.

They say they want honesty
in a relationship,

but they don't want to know when
you've been eavesdropping on them.

They want it both ways.

Yeah, we make me sick.

Well, I wasn't real honest about
being sick and everything,

but it all turned out
pretty well for me.

You said that the Chancellor

took away all your sick days.

Yeah, but he gave me 6
mental health days.

And they're mandatory.

6 mental health days?
What are you gonna do?

Well, I'm required to see
a doctor in the morning,

but in the afternoon, I'm gonna
go back to the go-cart track.

I'm gonna try to
jump the hay Bales

and take that baby out
onto the open road.

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