3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 19 - Frankie Goes to Rutherford - full transcript

Frank is a former student of Mary who's back in Rutherford for some lectures. Dick is very jealous at the way he and Mary get along and tells this to Frank. Frank tries to explain to Dick he hasn't got anything to worry about because he's gay but Dick misunderstands and thinks Frank's an alien. Dick tells Frank he is too. When Frank tells Dick there are bars for people like them, Dick is amazed and can't wait to go there. Meanwhile, Sally, Harry and Tommy plan a bank robbery.

Water. I need water.

Oh, don, what's going on?

I just foiled a bank
robbery, Sally.

You're kidding.

Well, what happened?

Did they trip the
alarm or something?

No. They dropped their bag
of money outside the bank,

and just as I was swooping down

to write them a
ticket for littering,

I realized, "Hey,
that's not trash."

That's a bag full of money."

So if they hadn't
dropped that bag,

they would have
gotten away with it?

Well, yes,

But luckily for those of us

in the law enforcement

people always make mistakes.


Oh, yeah.

Criminals are stupid,

but I'm always one
step behind them.

Oh, god! I left the bag
of money in the car!

Robbing a bank? That
sounds impossible.

I mean, you got the
surveillance cameras

and the security guards.

All those dirty magazines

and the pressure to perform.

Harry, that's a sperm bank.

Oh, god, no.

You know, you got to admit

it would be pretty thrilling

to pull off a bank robbery.

Yeah, the money would be nice.

Tommy, it's not about the money.

It's about the challenge.

I mean, with the right plan

and the proper training,

I think we could rob a bank.

You heard don.

People always make mistakes.

We're not people.



Mary Albright?

Frank Cooper!

Hey, beautiful.

Ohh-ho! You look terrific.

Oh, so do you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, the Dean invited me
to do a lecture series

on my peruvian excavation.

Oh. Dick, this is Frank Cooper.

Frank, this is Dick Solomon.

Very nice to meet you, Dr.


So, uh, how do you 2

know each other?

Oh, I studied under
Mary a few years back.


Well, I studied under
her last night.

Ok, then. Well, Frank, it
was so good to see you,

and I definitely
will stop by later.

Can't wait. Bye. Ohh.

Well, you and Frank

certainly seem to
enjoy the nuzzling.

Dick, you're being ridiculous.

Frank was one of my students.

That never stopped you before.

Shut up, Nina.

Frank and I are just friends.

I don't buy it.

That man is here for one
reason and one reason only...

To continue his excavation

of your pants.

Ok, look.

If we're gonna pull off
this bank robbery,

we have to trust each other

and work together as a team.

Who's with me?

Wow! Tommy, your
hands are so soft.

Are you using a new
kind of lotion?

Actually, I've been wearing
gloves when I do the dishes.

Mmm, nice. Enough!

Ok, now, while the
guards are gone,

Harry will distract the teller

by bringing her the
bank's ballpoint pen

and complaining that
it's out of ink.

I'll go in the day before
and doodle for a few hours.

That way it'll be ready to go.

Or you could just pretend.

Ah, devious.

All right, Tommy, you're
gonna slip into the safe,

grab the money, and when
you hear this sound...

"Now, Tommy!"

you leave the safe and walk
calmly out of the bank.

Meanwhile, I'll be
running interference.

What's that mean?

It means if the guard
shows up early,

I flash him.

Any final questions?

Yes. Can I be the guard?


Come in.

Dr. Solomon.

Frank, there's something
we need to discuss.


I just wanted you to know

that I'm involved
with Mary Albright,

and that's not gonna
change just because

some gorgeous hottie
like you comes to town.

Well, first off, thanks
for the compliment.

Well, I do have eyes, Frank.


You're welcome.

Uh, look, Dick. Sit
down, will you?

You have nothing to worry about.

I'm not interested in Mary

or anybody like her,

if you know what I mean.

Not really.

I'm sorry if I'm being so vague,

but I, um...

look, not everyone is as
open-minded as I'd like,

some of the people
here at Pendleton

aren't ready to
accept that I'm...

I'm... well, you know.

From a different world.

A different world?

Wait a second, are you
trying to tell me

that you're... Yes.

Oh, my god. So am I!

I knew the minute you walked in.

Is it that obvious?

Uh, Yeah. Yeah.

Ah, so this is why

you haven't married Mary.


I love her dearly,

but I didn't want to marry her

and then have to go behind
her back to explore.

I mean,

I... I am on a mission.

I hear that.

Listen, I should have
said something earlier,

but I just get so nervous.

I only recently started
to tell people.

You've told people?

Oh, you haven't?

Heavens, no! How do they react?

Oh, for the most part
they're very accepting.

I mean, everyone is
coming out nowadays.

My god, we're like 10%
of the population.

I'll be damned.

I thought I was all alone here.

Well, I felt that
way for a while.

But if you go to the bars,

you find out that there's
a huge community

of us out there.

There are bars?

Well, not just bars, Dick,

but restaurants, cruises...


Oh, I went to mykonos
over christmas.


Oh, Frank. You've
made me so happy!

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

So, how was your day?

Not bad, you?

Oh, pretty average.

You know, graded some papers,

did some driving,
met another alien.

All: What?

His name is Frank. He's
an old friend of Mary's.

Oh, man, that broad's like

an interstellar lightning rod.

Hey, Hey, get this.

Apparently, Rutherford
is the hotbed

of alien activity in ohio.


Frank invited me to this place
downtown called Jeffrey's lounge.

It's an alien bar.

Jeffrey's lounge.
Isn't that that place

with the blacked-out windows?

Uh, yeah.

Aliens inside.

Wow, aliens inside?
So, can we go?

Well, I'll check it
out, and if I like it,

we'll book it for
Harry's birthday.

Come on, Sally, we're late.
Oh, gosh, ok.

Where are you guys going?

Uh, we're going to see

the Kenny Loggins experience.

Yeah, they're a Kenny
Loggins tribute band.

Oh, they sound just like him?

Well, I hope not. I
hate Kenny Loggins.

Bye, guys.

Bye. Have fun.

Harry, tell me something.

Do you find it at all suspicious

Sally is dating a cop?

She's been dating a
cop for 2 years.

It never bothered us before.

We never robbed a bank before.

Well, Sally wouldn't
tell don about the bank.

Or would she?

No, she loves us.

Or does she?

No, she does...

That bitch!

So, everybody here
is just like us?


What planet is he from?


Where are all the ladies?

Oh, they have their own bar.

Oh, smart.

You know, Frank,

I told Mary that you scored us

a couple of hockey
tickets for tonight.

I hope that's ok.

Did you ever think that maybe

you owe it to Mary to
tell her the truth?

Sometimes. It's just that

I've been keeping this
secret for so long now.

Every day, it just gets
Harder for me to tell her.

Oh, I understand, but you
should just think about it.

Mrs. Dubcek! Hi.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Are you...


These boys just love me.

What about you?


Not really.

Come on, boys. Let's dance.

Hi, I'm Taylor.

Hello, I'm the high commander.

Well, hello, high commander.

Maybe we can get together
sometime to do some Training?

Why not? I'll make a
fine soldier out of you.

What was that?

A salute. A salute?

You've never done the salute?

No. You know, like...

No, like...


Hey, look at us!

We're fabulous!

Good morning, guys.

Good morning. Hey.

You'll never guess who I saw

at Jeffrey's lounge last night.

Our florist, Alan.

Alan is an alien?

And one hell of a dancer.

I cannot believe it.

Being at Jeffrey's lounge

is just so liberating.

For the first time since
I came to this planet,

I... I felt like I belonged.

You know, I'm even toying with
the idea of telling Mary.

Wait. No way, Dick.

You cannot just spill
everything to Mary.

I'm telling you, Sally.

Half the people on Broadway

are openly alien.

Well, I don't care, Dick.
You know our policy.

They don't ask, we don't tell.

I guess you're right.

Did you get your ears pierced?

Oh, just on the
right side, Tommy.

That's the alien side.

Well, I'm gonna swing by the
bank, do a little recon,

then go visit don at
the police station.

Taking a little trip
to the police station?

Yeah, why?

How do we know that you
and your cop boyfriend

aren't setting us up?

I don't believe this.

After all the work I
have put into this plan,

you guys have the
cojones to accuse me

of being a stoolie?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let me tell you how things
work around here, ok?

This is my plan. I am the boss.

You don't like it, you
can hit the road.

Ok, calm down, Sally.

We're all on the same team here.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go get us

a Sack of burritos.

It's gonna be a long night.

Yeah, you do that.

I will. All right.

What about you?

You got a problem with me?

No, Sally. No problem.

I have total faith in you.

All right. Cool. All right.

It's Harry I'm beginning
to have my doubts about.

Harry? Yeah, well,

if there's a weak Link
in this plan, it's him.

Harry's not a weak Link.

Or is he?

Nah. He's solid as a rock.

Or is he soft?


That bitch!

Hey, Dick.

Mary, hi.

How was the hockey
game last night?

Oh, uh, great. Sticks, ice,

toothless canadians,
you know the drill.

Mary? Mmm?

Have you ever seen e.T.?

E.T. Of course. Why?

Did you like the alien?


Did you...

love the alien?

What are you talking about?

Mary, I'm...

I am a... Hey, Mary.

My collection of peruvian
stone Drums just arrived.



I walked in on
something, didn't I?

Oh, no... no. We were just
talking about movies.

Oh, Dick. You've got
to come see this.

No... no, you go ahead.

I-I've got a lot of work to do.

I hope I didn't interrupt
anything important.

Actually, I was
about to tell her.

Oh, my god. Oh, my
god, what have I done?

I am so sorry.

Mary: Frank.

I'm coming!

I am so sorry.

Sad face.

Here he comes.

Ok. Just go easy on him, ok?

I'm not heartless, Tommy.

Hey, guys.

You're out of the plan, Harry!


We just don't think you
have the mental fortitude

for this operation.

The mental forta-what?


I don't believe this.

Did you know about this, Tommy?

You did.

You did know about this!

Well, let me tell you
something about Tommy.

That time we went
to the petting zoo,

he had nightmares for a week.
A week!

So as far as I'm concerned,

you two deserve each other.

I am out of here!

Hey! Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

Hi, guys. Is Dick here?

No. He's over at
Jeffrey's lounge.

Jeffrey's loung...

Isn't that a gay bar?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's... It's a gay bar.


Are you sure he said
Jeffrey's lounge?

Well, he could've said
some other gay bar.


So should we start

reconstructing the
plan for 2 people?

Did you really have

petting zoo nightmares, Tommy?

I don't want to talk about it.

I can't count on someone

who's afraid of
Baby farm animals.

Hey. That Lamb was freaky, man.

He was giving me the evil eye.

You're out, Tommy.

What? You're done!

You've been gunning
for me since day one,

haven't you? Haven't you?

Well, I'll tell
you what, sister.

You got your wish.

I'm out!


♪ The night is bitter ♪

♪ The stars have
lost their glitter ♪

♪ The winds grow colder ♪

♪ And suddenly you're older ♪

♪ And all because of ♪

♪ The man ♪

♪ That got away ♪


What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Well, I... I... I, uh..

Frank and I were on our way home

from another hockey game,

and we thought we saw the
players' bus parked outside,

so we came in for autographs

and in the process of
searching for pens,

the goalie suggested that
we sing some Judy Garland,

and... and then you walked in.

Dick, it's time to come clean.

Come clean about what?

I can't. I just c-can't do it.

Will someone Please tell me

what the hell is going on?


Dick is gay.

That's right, Mary. I'm...

No, I'm not.

Well, then why are you here?

What do you mean?

Dick, this is a gay bar.

Everyone who comes here is gay.

Mary, you're gay?
No, I'm not gay!

Oh, so you don't believe me,

but I'm expected to believe you.

Oh, puh-leeze!



What the hell are
you doing here?

I'm here to knock off this bank.

Find your own bank, smee.

This one's mine!

Buzz off, fonzie.

Oh, god.

I don't believe it.

He's here, too?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to rob the bank.

Who are you?

Get the hell over here.

All right, look.

Since we're all here anyway,

we might as well go through
with the original plan.

Harry, take the
pen to the teller

and distract her.

That's when you, Tommy,
head for the safe.

If there's any trouble,

the guard gets a face
full of Sally-boob.

Ooh. Now, are you sure
that I can't be the guard?

No! Let's go.

Harry! Harry! Harry.

What's wrong?

The pens are chained down.

They must've known
we were coming.

You tipped off the
cops, didn't you?

Don't you start
with me, Lamb-boy.

Yeah. Maybe Lamb-boy
tipped off the fuzz.

You punk. Baaa!

Aah! Stop it! All right!

You two shut up. Now, listen,

we have got a bank to rob.

Excuse me?

Can I help you?

Every man for himself!


Hello, Nina.

What the hell is this all about?

Just in case Mary was worried,

I wanted to prove to her
that I'm a real man.

What do you think, Nina?

You like beefcake?

Not from your funky bakery.


Hey, hot stuff.

I want to know what's
really going on

between you and Frank.

We just had a little

that's all.

So, are you saying
you're gay or not?

What I'm saying...

is this.

So, are you gay or not?


I am not gay.


You believe me?

Yes, I do.


I do believe you.

So, you're not gay?

No, I'm not gay. I promise you.

I am not gay.


I'm an alien.

Oh, god, I wish I was gay!

So, did you hear, Dick?
We tried to rob a bank.

Rob a bank? That's impossible.

The pens all have chains.

Yeah. We know now.

I wonder how Humans would react

if we came out as aliens?

You know, I bet they'd
be cool with Everything

except for us kissing on tv.

Sure is a nice night out, huh?

Hey, Donny. Hey.

You got room for a cop
out on your roof?

Sure. Sure.



Hey. Hey. Hey.

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho... ♪

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