3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 18 - Dick and Harry Fall Down a Hole - full transcript

Dick and Harry fall down a hole. A hole expert is hired to get them out.

Um... Dick...

remember back at the gas station

when you told me to fill
the gas can up to the top?

Yes, Harry.

Um, does it matter what
kind of gas it was?


Um, is windshield-wiper
fluid gas?

Give me the can, Harry.

Oh, what a night.

We go out to pick up
pizza, we run out of gas,

and we wind up stuck in
the middle of... waaah!

Oh, come on...




I'm down here!

I'm in a hole!

How long you gonna
be down there?

Listen carefully, Harry.

You have to get help!

Ok! I'm on my way!

Dick: Godspeed, Harry.


wh... yaaah!

You didn't get help, did you?

Not yet.

Boy, Harry, it's a long way up.

Yeah. I was noticing
that on the way down.

One of us should stand on
the other's shoulders.

How much do you weigh?


130, huh? I'm 210.

Ok, give me a boost.


Nhh, nhh.

Higher, Harry. That's it.


This is not gonna work.

You're just not
tall enough, Harry.

I'll have to think
of something else.

This area is clearly riddled
with natural caverns.

All we have to do
is find a weak spot

in This wall...

and we'll be free!

Oh, man! Dick, I can't
see the moon anymore.

No, Harry.

That's because I just
dislodged a boulder

that closed up the shaft.

To keep the air supply
from getting out!

That's clever.

Reporter on TV: And
our early information

is that rescue efforts
are underway.

Heh, I do not get it.

How can anybody be stupid
enough to fall into a hole?

I don't know. You'd have
to be a complete moron.

I know.

It's like, uh... ♪
doy-de-DOY-de-doy ♪

Hey! What's down there?!

Oh, my god! I fell!

No, no, it was like this.
It's like...

bidde-doode-deede. Eeh!
Eeh! Oh, god, no!

Reporter: Repeating
our information

that the trapped men
have been identified

as Dick and Harry Solomon.

Oh, my God. It's Dick and Harry.

I know. They announced
that, like, 5 minutes ago.


All right, let's take
another question.

Woman: Over here. Yeah, Yeah.

How much is this rescue costing?

Uh, that information could
compromise the rescue effort.


Yeah, is it True that
most cavern formations

in this area are
sedimentary rock?

That information will be released
on a need-to-know basis.

Uh, follow-up?

Yeah, you don't know
anything, do you?

At this time, I cannot
confirm or deny

what exactly it is
that I don't know.

No more questions. Thank you.

Don, what's happening?

Sally, there's great news.

Oh, you got them
out of the hole.

Even better.

We've got the world's
foremost hole expert

to take on the case.

What's a hole expert?

A hole expert is the man

who reaches down
into God's caverns

and plucks out what
lives and breathes

and ought not to be there.

Who are you?

My name's Angus mcduff,

but if you want my
attention, you'll call me...

the hole.

Isn't that a great
nickname, Sally?

He fights holes, and they
call him "The hole."

doesn't that get a
little confusing?

No problems yet.

No, but I mean, you wouldn't
call a fireman "Fire,"

or a lifeguard "Water," right?

I'm not a nickname expert,

I'm a hole expert.

Fine, let's just
deal with the hole.

You are dealing with the hole.

No, I mean the hole
my brothers are in.

He's not a financial
advisor, he's a hole guy.

You see, I knew
this would happen.

Listen... hole,

we've got ropes, pulleys, uh...

Put away your playthings,
Officer don.

The only tool I need right now

is this cup of tea. Thank you.

A cup of tea? Mm-hmm.

What's the battle plan?

Well, first of all,

I'll build a clay
model of the hole,

and we'll proceed from there.

The entire procedure
should take about 4 hours.

Oh, great. They'll
be out in 4 hours.

No, no, no, no, no.

We'll have a clay
model in 4 hours.

Are you kidding me?

Listen, lassie.

I've faced holes all
over the world.

From your basic

to your wily corkscrew.

There was a hole in Manchester.

10 men went in,

12 came out.

I'm still puzzling
over that one.

The point is,

you don't beat the hole

until you learn to
think like the hole.

So, is that you thinking
or the hole thinking?

This was never confusing before.
It's you.

Hey, Uh, kid,

would you take our picture
in front of the hole?

No, that's my father
and uncle down there.

Hey, that's his
family in the hole.

How about you let
us take one of you?

Of me?

I'll give you... 3 bucks.

3 bucks?


You know what? This is good.

In fact, I've been
waiting for this moment

since we arrived on this planet.

You've been waiting
to fall in a hole?

This, Harry... this is the
True test of a high commander.

I could've pushed you in
a hole a long time ago.

Harry, listen to me.

There's only So
much air down here.

So, before you take a breath,

think about whether you're
doing it out of habit,

or if you really
need the oxygen.

Well, mostly it's out
of habit, but...

That time I felt like
I needed the oxygen.

Now, because of the cave in,

they have no way of Getting
us food and water,

which we will need to survive.

But we'll be absolutely fine,

as long as we don't panic.

What'd you do that for?

I had to.

You were panicking.

Mary: Oh, Nina, I feel so bad,

Dick being trapped in that hole.

It's another example

of When bad things
happen to good people.

It's not a great example.

We're ready for you, ma'am.

My god, I'm so... I'm so upset,

I hope I don't cry.

Oh, you'll be fine.

You rolling?

We're here live on the scene

with Dick Solomon's
girlfriend, Mary Albright.

Can you tell us how
you're feeling right now?

Well, when I heard
the terrible news...

I mean, Dick is so...

A tragedy like this...

My hopes and my prayers...

That he be in my arms again...

Thank you, Dr. Albright.

Back to you, John.

Oh, my god.

Hey, at least you didn't cry.

20 bucks for a picture?

It's kind of out
of my price range.

Uh, Wait, Wait,
Wait, wait, wait.

We do have some
lower-priced options.

For 6.50, you can have
your picture taken

with the solomons'
actual landlady.

How do you do?

Ok. Tommy: Great.



Oh, it's wonderful to be back

on the legitimate stage.

Thank you very much.

Hey! I got those things
that you asked for.

Blankets, thermos,
and Harry's diary.

Cool. Thanks.

Are you gonna read it to
him to calm him down?

Sort of. I'm gonna
sell it by the page.

You can't make money off
your family's misfortune.

We won't know until
we try, will we?

Who wants a diary page?
Diary pages here!

Now, as you can see,

the hole isn't stable
enough to excavate,

so we'll have to build
a side shaft...

That's a second Hole...

Right next to it.

We dig down here and
come in from the side.

Another hole? Mm-hmm.

Among our problems here
is not a lack of holes.

You are getting into my head.

Please, do not get into my head.

You know, I could dig
these guys out quicker

with a plastic spoon.

Oh, yes, I'd like
to see you try.

Listen, you
Earl-Grey-Loving freak...

you have exactly 3 seconds

to come up with a plan I like,

or I am going to take over
this whole hole operation.

Right, that's it!

I can't work like this.

What I do is an art,

and I will not be second-guessed
by Some big blondie.

I don't even have to
be here, you know.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There was a hole in
Buffalo wanted me.

A big one.

Kansas offered me
a five-hole deal.

You do as you Jolly well please.

I will be in my trailer.

He has a trailer?

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolli lolli LOLLI ♪

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolli lolli lolli ♪

Lolli... How's the rest
of that song go again?



♪ Lollipop lollipop... ♪

Will you shut up?

It's bad enough you got
us stuck down here

without having to
listen to you sing

about my favorite
food on a stick.

I didn't get us stuck down here.

Oh, no? Well, who
ordered the pizzas?

Who didn't fill up
the car with Gas?

Who fell into the hole first
and caused a cave-in?

You! Exactly!


You know, anytime anything goes
wrong, it's always my fault.

Finally, you admit it.

That's not what I'm saying.

You're saying you're
tired, you're hungry.

You're terrified of
being down here,

and you're waiting for
me to lead you out.

Well, I'm doing my best!

You're just sitting there,

happy as an idiot in idiotland

on idiots-get-in-free day.

Ok, there's no such land,
and I would know...

Harry, shh!


I need silence to think.

Thank you.

I know about
disrespecting fathers.

Look what I... my
god, you don't stop!

It never ends with you people.

What are those?

Just some, uh, m&Ms

that I forgot I had in my jacket.
But, Uh...

That's OK. You...
You go on thinkin'.

That's right. M&Ms?

The candy That melts
in your mouth.

But not in your mouth.

Look, just hand them over.

Oh, I'd love to,

but I'm just too
big of an idiot...

to figure out how
to get this bag

all the way over to you.

As high commander, I order you

to give me those M&Ms.

Oh, Order!

Look, up there, you might
be high commander.

But down here, You're
Just some sweaty guy

looking for a handout.

Harry, you are disobeying a
direct order, and you will.


Please! Thank you.

Sally! What's going on?

I heard you locked
horns with the hole,

and now he won't come
out of his trailer.


Build a model of his trailer

and Figure out a way
to get him out.


Sally, you've got to
apologize to him.


I'm not apologizing to him.

Don, remember how
hard it was for me

to apologize to you

when I took your squad
car out for a joyride

and crashed it into that barn?

You never did
apologize for that.

Well, that's 'cause
it wasn't my fault.

Oh, right.

Plus, we don't need him.
I have a plan.

You do? Yeah, I'm
gonna flood the hole

with 3,000 gallons of water,

and then Dick and Harry'll
just float to the top.

What if they don't float?


then they're witches.

Know how I like to eat these?

I like to suck 'em till
the "M" Comes off.

Then I crack 'em open,

eat the chocolate part first,

save the shell for
a light dessert.

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to control me.

You know, it's not
just the green ones.

They all make me horny.

Well, it's not gonna work.

I'm the high commander, see?

And you'll never, ever
take that away from me.

You understand? Never.

What are you doing?

I'm digging a hole to China.

China! China!


Now you snap out of it, Dick.

We're not going to China today

or any other day, all right?

Now it's time to face facts.

You're stuck in a hole,

and you've got to come
to terms with that.

But I can't!

I can't!

I'm not made of the right stuff.

Cut it out. I said I'm not made

of the right stuff. Ok.

Oh, Harry.

How do you do it?

Do what?

How do you keep from cracking

under such inhumane conditions?

Teach me, Harry.

Teach me to be more like you.

Well, it's powerful stuff.

Once you accept it,

there's no going back.

You ready to proceed?

All right.

All right.

Now let me bring you
inside my mind.


picture yourself on a
serene mountaintop,

clear blue sky, sun shining,

a cool breeze blowing
through the wildflowers.

I see it.

Now... take away the flowers...




Now what do you see?



And that's what's in my head...

all the time.

Oh, my god, Harry.
It's beautiful.

Sometimes on a warm night,
I put the breeze back in.

No, no, no.

That's for later.

Oh, check this out.

I'm thinking of
starting to sell...

a new official line of t-shirts.

What's this?

It's a hole.

I cut a hole into the T-shirt

to commemorate this amazing

business opportunity-

So, what do you think?

It's stupid.

Tommy, first of all, there's
a big hole right there.

You'd be able to see my bra.

That's no problem. Just
don't wear the bra.



What do you want, lassie?

Well, I just want
to say that I'm...

that I'm regretful, Yeah.

That I... that I have regrets,

which I'm full of.

That was truly hard
for you, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it was hard.

Good, cheerio.

No, wait, hole.

Hole, come back, I...

Look, I need you!

Oh, so you need me?

Look, I am a take-charge
kind of gal, ok,

but I think this time

I'm in just a little
over my head.

So I'm just gonna
step aside, ok?

You're the expert, and...


And you're brilliant.


Aw, come on, man.


And you're one of the 50
sexiest men on earth.

Ok, more of that later.

Now I must descend.

Whilst you dilly-dallied, the
hole has gotten stronger.

Hey, can I tag along?

You know, I really want
to learn from the best.

All right.

You can come with me. Thanks.

But one word of caution...

When we get to the
bottom of that hole,

whatever you do,

don't look up.

You know, it's a
funny thing, Harry.

You spend your days aboveground
completely unenlightened,

but then you fall into a hole,

and suddenly the whole
world opens up to you.

Dick? Yes, Harry.

Why don't you let me teach you

how to blow that breeze
through your head there.

Oh, all right, Harry.

But let me just
finish this point.

A hole is like a looking glass




Oh, my god, you're alive!

Hi, Sally.

Hello, my dapper friend.

You're always welcome here.

What are you guys doing
just sitting there?

You're free.

Come on, let's go.

Not so fast.

Sally, we're not going anywhere.

This is our home now.


Oh, dear, Oh, dear,
Oh, dear, Oh, dear.

I've seen this all before.

It's a variation of the
stockholm syndrome.

They've been down
here for so long,

they've actually fallen in
Love with Their captor...

the hole.

They've fallen in love with you?

No, not me. This hole.

Now, we'll have to deprogram
them very gently.

It could take weeks.

Aw, screw that noise.

Get your idiot selves up there.

Do you know how hard I
worked to get you out?



Sally, you're a natural.

Join me.

We could travel the world,

pulling people out
of holes together.

Oh, that sounds tempting.

Hey, could I have
a nickname, too?

Well, I see no reason you
also couldn't be called...

the hole.

I'm gonna pass on that one.

Ok, ok, fine.

You know something,

I think everybody could learn
a lot about themselves

if they just fell into a
hole once in a while.

What did you learn, Dick?

I learned that the best Leader

is only as good as the people

he surrounds himself with.

Oh. That's beautiful.

I also learned that inner
peace is a beautiful thing,

but even more so is running
water, onion rings,

and having someplace to pee.

Hey, here's something weird.

Sometimes the most
powerful thing you can do

is actually give up power.

Which is why I am relinquishing

some of my power to Harry.

Whoa, really?

Since you did such a good
job in the hole, Harry,

from now on, whenever
we're in a hole,

you can be the high commander.

I'm the high commander of holes.