3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Big Giant Head Returns Again: Part 1 - full transcript

Sally thinks Alissa wants to dump Tommy, Harry wants to ask Janice out and the Big Giant Head (visiting Earth once again) admits his marriage is troubled.

Hey, Tommy, how was school?


I got hauled into the
principal's office

because of my grades.

What did he do to you?

He made me valedictorian.

Apparently, I have the best
grades in the school, damn it.

But you barely ever go to class.

I know.

That's how stupid everyone else is.
Damn it!

That was awesome!

It was so great.

Oh, thanks for letting me
come with you, Janice.

Anytime, Sally.

It is so cool to finally
have another woman around

to do girl things with.

Where were you guys?

Chasin' hobos out of
the freight yard.

Hi, Harry.

Hello, Janice.

Last time I saw you,

I was kissin' you good-Bye

after a long night of
kissin' you hello.

So, why haven't you called?

Well, at first I was
playin' hard-to-get.

But now...

I'm playin' paralyzed
by insecurity.

That's too bad.

Well, it was nice
seeing you all.


Nice seeing you, too, Janice.


My god, that's the biggest
cop I've ever seen.

You two know each other?

Dick, of course they do.

Harry, what's the
matter with you?

Don't you want her?

Oh, yeah, so bad.

Then go get her.

That's easy for you to say.

I mean... agggghhhh!

Incoming message from
the big giant head.

The big giant head and his queen

will be arriving shortly

for their first
appearance on earth

as husband and wife.

They're coming today!?

Ladies and gentlemen, please,

put your hands together for Mr.
And mrs...

big giant head!

Everybody, please...

join the couple out
on the dance floor.

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

♪ Swiftly blow the years ♪

Oh, it is so great to be back.

We would've brought the baby,

but space travel is really
hard when you're teething.

He's with the nanny.

Nice robot.

I would like to propose a toast.

May you two lovebirds

be happily married
for all eternity.


Thank you, Dick. But
come on, I'm married.

Eternity's the
last thing I want.

Hey, Hey, Hey, stone.

When is he gonna Stop?


Vicki, how's space?

Well, when I first saw
where I was living,

let's just say
thank god in space

no one can hear you scream.

She really classed things up.

She redid the death chamber
in Orange shag carpet.

I mean, it was so drab,
I wanted to die.

People have been dying
in there for years.

Nobody complained
until you came along.

You guys are really
cute together.

Dick, where can we have
a private conversation?

How about right here
in front of everyone?

Join me in the kitchen.

Does anyone here do a
good impression of me?

No, but I do an
AWESOME Bette midler.

So, uh...

what brings you
back to earth, sir?

An extended honeymoon?

The honeymoon is over.

Then why are you here?

Start saving these box tops.
I want this boomerang.

Yes, sir.

Sit down.

How are you?

You're asking how I am?

How do you think I should be?

I think you should be
very proud of yourself.

I'm proud of you. Have
I ever told you that?

Uh, no. You have threatened
to kill me, though.

Well, that was a mistake.
I'm sorry.

I'd like to make up for that.

I'd like to get to
know you better.

Get to know me, sir?

Yes. Everything about you.

Things you wouldn't
dream of telling

that frosty little
bimbo of yours.

Dick, tonight you're
taking me out for drinks.


I... I would love to
accompany you, sir,

but I have a date with
that frosty little bimbo.


Well, perhaps frosty
could come with us.

No. You and me. Alone.

Are you going to kill me?

Oh, don't be silly.

You're my designated driver.

Come on, push it, Donnie.

Not a problem.

You got 3 more?

I got 10 more.

Hello, Janice.



I've been thinking about you.

And I you.


I'm here to ask you
out on a proper date.

That is so romantic.

Cracked ribs.

So is that a yes?

I can't breathe!

Yes, of course.

I'm comin', grandma!

Dick, we're gonna be late for...

My god, Dick, what's
wrong with you?

I'm burning up, Mary. I
can't hold anything down.

I was throwing up all night.

I don't think I can go out.

Oh, well, in that case,

I'll stay home and
take care of you.

No, Mary, go!

Save yourself before
you get whatever I...

Dick, let's hit the town.

Stone Phillips!
What's he doing here?

He-he's here to take
me to the hospital.

The hospital?

What a great name
for a jazz club.


You're not really sick, are you?

How can you be so insensitive?

Quick, Mary, the cat's on fire.

Put it out! Put it out!

Let's go! Let's go!

Tommy, I really don't think this is
an acceptable valedictory speech.

It's fine.

Let us hear it.

Want to hear it?


"Fellow classmates,

long live rock."

You know, you had me...

and then you lost me.

But then you had me again.

Tommy, you should just
write what you feel.

I don't know what I feel.
What do you feel?


I feel like this is
a new beginning...

time to say good-Bye
to old friends,

make new ones.

It's the end of an era,

and no matter how
close we've become,

it's time to move on.

Man, that's Harsh.

Sorry, but whether
we like it or not,

this chapter of our
lives is over.

I gotta go.

See you later.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go read some
Churchill for inspiration.

Oh, really?

Nah. I'm gonna go
get some Fries.

Did you hear what
Alissa just said?

Oh, well, you mean about
saying good-Bye and movin' on

and meetin' other people?

Harry, she's gonna dump his ass.

Oh, my god!

And right before Graduation?

Poor Tommy. The kid doesn't
even see it comin'.

And there's nothin' we can do.

We're powerless against Alissa.

No, we're not.

We're not?

Look, she's just an
evil little teenager.

And I am an intergalactic
force for good.

Long live rock!

You're a good-lookin'
man, you know that?

And you're big. Big.
How'd you get so big?

I... I... I... i... I...

And I like you. We're havin'
a good time, aren't we?

You light up the room.

Thank you, sir. So do you.

Thank you.

You're tense. Don't be so tense.

I'm tense, too.

My marriage is a charade.

I'm so lonely.

Sir, what are your intentions?

I just want to know
what you think of me.

Your record speaks
for itself, sir.

The universe has
never been cleaner.

Not my job. Me, the man.

I think you're swell, sir.

He thinks I'm swell!

Well, thank you, sparky.

Let's have some fun. Fun?

I'm gonna talk to
the bandleader.


Mrs. Dubcek: Hey, Hey, Hey, hey.

Sorry about that last song.
My Mike crapped out.

It didn't crap out.
I unplugged it.

Hit it!

♪ Somewhere there's music ♪

♪ How faint the tune ♪

♪ Somewhere there's heaven ♪

♪ How high the moon ♪

Hey, Dick, come on up here.

Hey, hit that man
with the spotlight.

Come on up here, dickie.

Come on, boy. Come on up here.


♪ That you love me
as I love you ♪

♪ How high the moon ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

Let's hear it for sparky!

Hey, Harry.

Ooh, Hey, Vicki.

I can't sleep.

You know what works for me?

Goin' to bed.

So, how do you like
bein' queen, Vicki?

Well, you know,
it's got its perks.

I get a lot of presents.

Like this hair curler thing.


Yeah. It adds a lot
of bounce to my hair.

And then it also demolecularizes

any poor bastard who
tries to cross me.

Good reason to tip
your hairdresser.

Of course, you know,

bein' queen does
have its downside.

I mean...

stone and I have not had intimate
relations in Quite some time now.

You mean, because up there
you're just a purple tube?

Well, that's his excuse.

You know, I... I just...
I miss intimacy, Harry.

I miss fondling.

I... I miss... sex!


So, how's this thing work?

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Baby, don't play with fire.

Hey, you know what?

I just saved your life.

I wonder if you can
think of a way...

to say "Thank you."

Um... yes.

Thank you.

Hey, Alissa.

Hi, Sally.

You got a couple of minutes?

I was about to go
to english class.

This'll just take a second.


Listen, Tommy's
breaking up with you.


You said it yourself.
It's the end of an era.

Time to meet other people.

Oh, no, that's just...

What you were feeling.
I know, it's cool.

Open a new chapter. But
just remember this.

The last chapter ended with
Tommy breaking up with you.

Why isn't he telling
me this himself?

Alissa, it's time to move on.

Move on to english! Move.

Hey. You want to
mess with Tommy?

Huh? You want to
mess with Tommy?!

Anybody want to
mess with Tommy?!

All right.

When light hits the
surface of water,

how can we determine the
angle at which it enters...

the water?

That depends on the
angle of incidence.

No, you clod.

Wait. You're right.

It does depend on the
angle of incidence.

You've been listening.

Yeah, that determines the
angle of refraction.

You said "Refraction!"

my god, you're getting this.

Please, stay with me here.

Oh, Dick, there you are.

Stone, I'm so glad you're here.

For the first time ever I'm
getting through to them.

They're actually learning.

That's great. Class dismissed.

Wait. Are we allowed to leave?

I don't know. I kind
of trust that guy.

Wh-what did you do that for?

Do you know how difficult it is

to be king of the universe?

I imagine it's kind of a hassle.

Now everybody says, "Look at that
big wheel with his trophy wife."

I'd like to be like him."

Well, let me tell you something.

This big wheel's
life is a wreck.

It's a tragic comedy.
It's a farce!

Well, it's all good.

There's only one thing in my
life that means anything at all.


So where should I take
Janice on our date?

It depends. You want
to go to a movie,

you want to go out to dinner?

Well, I want to get
jiggy with it.

But on a budget.

Why don't you take Janice
where I took Sally

on Our first Date?

Yeah, the seafood hut.

It was great. We had a
bucket of steamers,

a couple of cold beers.

Yeah, and at the
end of the night,

both of us had crabs.

That didn't sound
exactly right, Sally.

Don, we had crabs,
and you know it.

I gotta go.

There's a car stolen
every 15 minutes,

and the guy who's doin'
it has to be stopped.

Have fun.


Have you guys seen
the big giant head?

Why, you lookin' for him?

Big giant head! Big giant head!

No, no, shh!

I don't mind. Big giant head!

Will you shut up?! I
don't want to see him.

I don't want to be
anywhere near him.

What's the matter, Dick?

I thought you guys were,
like, best friends.

No, he's become this clingy,
needy, sobbing mess.

I want to go back to
what we used to have,

when I was his suck-Ass Lackey

living in perpetual fear.

Yeah, those were the days.

Who wants to go back to the
Jazz club and is named Dick?

Dick does!

Come on, Dick, let's go.

This is so nice.

Mmm, well, you spend So much
time in here workin' out,

I figured you might want to know
what it's like to eat in here, too.

You're a special guy, Harry.

And you smell like
sweat, Janice.

That's probably the gym.

Don't try and play it down.

You know, in every gym, there's
always 2 types of guys.

You got the big, strapping
man with the weight belt

and the scrawny little guy

who can't get his quarter
out of the juice machine.

I prefer the scrawny guy.

Well, that's too bad.

I guess I'll be goin', then.


you're the scrawny guy.


Will you be my boyfriend?

Your boyfriend?

Well... um...

if I say no, will you hurt me?



Well, in that case,



♪ Yabba Yabba YABBA ♪

yabba Yabba ♪

♪ How high the moon ♪

Tough crowd.


Where's your aunt
Sally, Solomon?


How'd you open your locker

without your aunt
Sally helpin' you?

I know the combination.

Why are you carrying
your own books?

Yeah, don't you need your aunt
Sally to carry 'em for you?

What are you people
talking about?

Hey, do you know why everyone's
talking about Sally?

That's for you!

And that's for Sally.

You didn't answer my question.

Bye, Janice.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up... hello.


She hung up.

All right, Harry. I've
tried to be subtle,

I've tried to be seductive,

and I've tried to be
incredibly obvious.

About what?

I want you, baby.
I want you now!

No! Wait! Stop! Now!

I'll stop.

I'll stop when we're
finished, baby.

Vicki, I got a girlfriend.


Well... Harry, you don't...

You don't like her as much
as you like me, do you?

Oh, no.


The queen...

is... pissed.

Is this shirt slutty
Good or slutty bad?

Hey, girl!

Vicki, hi!

You two know each other?


Harry and Vicki used
to sleep together!

And Janice is Harry's
new girlfriend.

How you doin'?



Two women who both
slept with Harry

bumpin' into each other
at the discount rack!

How cool is that? Huh?

Man, it's cool!

See you, Vicki.

Yeah. Bye, Vicki.

No, good-Bye to you,


I made it very clear to stone

you are my highest priority.

So he's not going
to be here tonight?

No. I've cleverly
disguised a Pillow

in My house as me.

He's probably talking
to it as we speak. @ @.

What is going on between
the two of you? 0 @P@0

why do you have to disguise
a Pillow @ @ @ @ t

if you don't want to
have dinner with him?

I know it's sick.A@ @

oh, it's really sick. T/ú ú.

Dick! 0@@ @ú@ @.

Oh, no. @H@@@ @Oh, no.

Oh, Dick! @@ @@@

I walked into your
bedroom.@ @@@úú

I thought you'd stopped breathing.

I wore myself out trying
to revive you. @ @@.

And then I took a nap on you.
@0 @ (@ @ @@h @ @@ @

then I awoke completely
refreshed@ú@ ú@ @@(@

and ready for our
evening.@@(@ ú @

oh, say, I'll have what he's having.
@ @@.

Send hers backn it looks awful.
@ @@A

I'm going to the rest room.

I'm going to stand on the toilet

and jump out the window.

What's with her?

All right, that's it.

I may be a whale of a friend,

but that doesn't entitle you

to stick to me like a
pathetic barnacle.

I don't care about the problems
you're having with your wife,

your existential crises,

or your inexplicable
desire to befriend me.

Zap me to oblivion if you want,

but so help me, I will never sing
another Jazz standard with you!

Dick, stop!

No, you stop!

Why are you following me?

Why are you so fascinated by me?

Why do you have to get so close?

How dare you talk
to me like that?

Why, because you're
the big giant head?

No! Because I am...

your father.