3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 17 - Shall We Dick? - full transcript

When Strudwick and Judith tell him they'll enter the Badger Day dance contest, Dick tells them he and Mary will also participate, despite the fact Mary can't dance. Harry asks Nina to enter the contest with him and both of them turn out to be great dancers. Meanwhile, Sally and Alissa become the best of friends and go shopping, much to the chagrin of Don and Tommy.

I'm tellin' you, Sally, the new bond
picture's at the $2.00 theater.

I don't know. I just
can't get used to bond

being played by anybody
But Timothy Dalton.

Well, you should go see
that new imax movie...

The secret life of cats.

Oh, yeah. The... the
screen is huge.

It's a 50-foot cat, and you are...
the mouse.

I swear it'll be fun.

How could it not?

Hey, where's Rutherford
Barbie takin' you now?

We're goin' to the mall.

It's spring pullover madness at p.J.

Spring pullovers? Oh, my god,
I love the spring pullovers.

Have you seen their twin sets?
They're adorable.

With the nubby V-neck? So cool!

Excuse me, But the two of you
hate each other. Remember?

Those would look
so great on you.

Maybe if I had your hair.

Oh, my god. I'd trade
for your hair any day.

Yes, well, that's all the
time we have for today.

See you next time. Bye-Bye.

Can we come with you guys? No.

Let's not sure!

Oh, great! You know, I love
that Cable knits are back.

You couldn't have gone
out the back way?

I never saw it coming.

Excuse me. I have a
special delivery package

addressed to a...

birthday girl.

Ooh, a video!

Could this be a sexy video?

Could be.

Thirty days to thinner thighs.



'cause you know how
you're always complaining

about your chunky thighs?

Here's a... gift-Giving tip...

Jewelry says, "Our
love goes on forever."

Exercise videos say, "Your
ass goes on forever!"


Uh... uh... uh...

Harry, don't bring that in here.

What? I just carried it
up 4 flights of stairs!

Get it out of here.
Harry... wha...

Who's the thigh Buster for?

Uh... uh... uh... you,
thunder thighs! Ha ha!

Ha! Uh, burn.

A lot of work for a joke,
but well worth it.

Take it away, Harry.

Oh, Mary... guess
Who's partnering up

for the big Badger
day dance contest.

Me and Judith.

Oh, that'll be great!

We'll be practicing
in my office,

and we didn't want people
to get the wrong idea.

I'm a very sexual
person when I dance.

That sounds like fun. Do you
want to enter the contest, Mary?

Ha Ha Ha ha!

Why? What's so funny?

Mary... dancing.

But Mary's a fantastic dancer.

Really, Dick, I... I
have 2 left feet.

She ain't kiddin'.

I will have you
know that my Mary

has the grace of a Swan,
the dexterity of a Hawk,

and the powerful
kick of an ostrich!

Mary, would you do me the honor

of slaughtering them with me in
the Badger day dance Contest?

Yes, I would!

Here's a tip for you, Dick...
Shin guards.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?!

Well, uh, here's a tip
for you, strudwick...

bite me!

Boy, that dance Sure
sounds like fun, huh?

Would you do me the honor

of slaughtering that bearded
guy and the glasses lady?

You know, I wish I
could, but see...

Come on, Nina.

You said you didn't
have anyone to go with.

Ok, Harry, I'll dance with you.

Yes! And trust me, Nina,
you will not regret it!

Uhh! Oh, no. Careful.

I got it. I got it.

Here. Hold it. 1, 2, 3!

Unh! Unh!


How can they still be in there?

How can anything take this long?

I hate the spring pullovers.

I hate them.

I want to kill them.

All right, you guys,
what do you think?

Oh, you look great!
They look very nice.

That's the one!
Let's ring it up!

I want to try the
purple one again.

Oh, with the gray capris!
Aah! Aah!

Cut it out.

I said... cut it out!

Cut it out!

Aah! Aah.

Hey, guys. Ready to go?

Oh, Gee, I don't know.
Don, what do you think?

Oh, yeah. I...
suppose I'm ready.


I gotta tell you...

I finally understand
what you see in Alissa.

She's fine! She's
got great taste

and a supercute body.

You... you saw her body?

Oh, yeah. We were naked
in the dressing room.

Naked?! I... I spent
a year of my life

trying unsuccessfully
to see her naked,

and then it just
falls into your lap?


I will not! But...

Ok, Mary...

Let's begin.

And 5, 6, 7, 8, and...

Now, what was that?

Don't I spin into your arms?

Oh, that was spinning?
I'm sorry.

I thought you'd
lost your balance.

Here. Let's go again.

And 5, 6, 7, 8, and...

Ok, that was wrong.


And 5, 6, 7, 8, and

1 and...

This is so wrong. How is it
the women on This planet

can freely look at
other women naked?

I mean, the men can't
look at other men naked.

Yes, they can.

Trust me, it's discouraged.

So I saw your girlfriend naked.

What's the big deal?

That's just it! It's
not a big deal to you!

To me, it's a very big deal!

Perhaps the biggest
of all deals!

But it happens to you,

someone to whom It's
a very tiny deal.

Irony sucks!

Well, Tommy, have
you asked Alissa

if you could see her naked?

I mean, every time I've had
the urge to see a guy naked,

all I've had to do is ask, and bam!

I have. I've asked.

It's always the same response.

Alissa says, Tommy, that's
not appropriate right now.

And then her mom says,
shouldn't you be getting home?

Aw, it's too bad, Buddy.

You're really missing something.

All right, Harry, just watch me.

We'll start with
something simple.

And 5, 6, 7, 8.

Step, Step, back, step-step.

No, no, no, no, no! No! No!

Back to one.

5, 6, 7, 8.

Step, Step, back, step-step.

And... no. Uh, one
question, hon.

Are you a dancer or
a water buffalo?

I'm trying my best!

I don't mean to be
a bitch, Mary...

But I thought you said you
wanted to win this thing.

No. I didn't. You said,
"It sounds like fun."

I said, "Ok." And all of a sudden,
you're being competitive.

That's because it's
a competition!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

5, 6, 7, 8. And step,
Step, back, step-step!

Step, step...

Hey, that's very, very


That's it.

I'm leaving.

And 5, 6, 7, 8, and step, step,

step and step!

Step, step, step and step!

Now you've got it!

Ooh. See? It starts at 7:15.

Oh, this is so great!

You know what, don?
It is so much easier

to pick out a movie with
Alissa than with you.

I cannot believe you've never
seen a drew barrymore movie.


I'll go change.

Alissa... ahem. I need
to see you naked.

I know. You wrote
it in my yearbook.

Right. So, you want to go down

to Dubcek's utility shed?

Excuse me.

Aah! Don: Whoa! Just a minute!

What... what just happened?

I just saw don... changing.

Excuse me?

Whoo. Big finish.



That was fun, Harry!

Well, it sure was!


do you think it's possible

for 2 people to dance
with Each other

without inevitably
falling in Love?


Yeah, me, too. Want
to sleep over?

Mm-mmm. All right.

She's quite a dancer,
isn't she, Harry?

Oh, she sure is, Dick.


You remember that idea you had

about me dancing with Nina
and you staying home?

I've been thinking it
over, and I've decided

that is a terrific idea.

Oh! Well, than... hey!
That wasn't my idea!

Now, don't be modest, Harry.

I will dance with Nina,
and you will stay home

per your original suggestion.

Well, But, Dick, I didn't...

Harry, I really want
to win this contest.

You had your chance to win it last
year, and you didn't even enter.

I didn't even know about it!

Neither did I, Harry!

So I am dancing with Nina,
and you are staying home.

Now, that is an order!

Should've entered last year.


Sally, it's time to
go to the dance.

Just get over it.

No woman should see
my Donnie like that.

His naked body is
my sacred jewel.

That's not funny, Tommy.

Ohhh... I disagree.

I would suggest to you
that it is very funny!

Heh Heh heh!

You know, I wouldn't
laugh if I were you.

I mean, now that Alissa's
seen a real man naked,

how are you gonna look?

Ah, pfftt!

Come on. Hey... I hardly
think that, uh...

I mean...




Hi, hi, hi! Hi!

Harry, what are you doing?

I lost the tv remote.

You lost it in the stove?

If I knew where I lost
it, it wouldn't be lost!

Now, would it?!

Sally! Tommy, come on!
We're gonna be late!

All right, whatever.

Wow! Look at you guys!

We're off to the big
Badger day dance.

Hey, So Albright was ok
with you ditchin' her?

Oh, absolutely.

She said if I was gonna be such a
big jerk about this dance thing,

she wasn't gonna go with me.
I said, "Fabulous!"

Boy. I sure wish I
could go to the dance.

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

You?! go to the dance?!

Look at you! Dressed in rags!

You're so dirty!

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!


Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!

Man! That Dick is such a tyrant.

I mean, don't I have
a right to be happy?

You know, you can go
if you really want to.

Who... me? Go to the dance?

But... how? I got no car.

I got nothin' to wear.

Oh, Harry...

I guess you're screwed.

Cross your fingers for me, Mary.

Uh... no. Those, uh,
fingers aren't crossed.

You need 2, and... uh... I'll
explain it to you later.

Sally, those shoes are awesome.

Oh, you like to look
at 'em, do you?

You like to look at a lot of
things that belong to me.

Sally! Go easy. It was
just an accident.

You know what they say
about accidents, Tommy.

Behind every accident...

is an intentional act.

They say that?

Oh, oh, they say that, and
they're deadly serious.

Look, if anybody did this
on purpose, it was don.

Oh, right. How would he know

that she would burst in on him?

Unless they planned
this together.


That's the only explanation
that makes sense.



I'm gonna go, uh...

powder my nose in the
ladies' crapper.

Um... I'll come with you?

Come on.

Women, huh? Go to hell.


All right, folks,
I hope you have

your dancin' shoes on, because
the swing dance competition

is about to begin.

And may the best man
win, Solomon... me.

Oh, by the way, strudwick,
a gorilla called.

He wants his Butt, which
you're using for a face, back!


are you swingers ready to swing?

I said, are you swingers
ready to swing?

Ok, start.

Harry! Dick.

If you think you're
dancing with Nina,

you've got another thing coming.

Screw Nina!

Oh. I'm sorry.

Dr. Albright, would
you do me the honor

of dancing with me?

It would be my pleasure...

All right. Uh...

come... come back. Harry. Harry.

What happened to you?

Sally pushed me
into a garbage can.

It was an accident.

Heh heh heh!

This is funny to you?

Oh, don't play so innocent!

Yeah, Lolita.

You've been angling

for a gander at don's
goods for months!


I doubt that.

Ha! As if you had
nothin' to do with it!

I... I was just puttin'
on some powder!

Why do you have to go around

flashing other
people's girlfriends?

Again, I did not do that.

Does that make you
feel like a big man?

I was just puttin'
on some powder!

@@@@Wow! @@@@@@@@@ @.

That was some hot, hot dancin'.

And right now, the judges
are literally making

the most important
decision of their lives.

Oh, please let it be me!
Please let it be me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

And the Winner is...

Nina Campbell...

damn! And Dick Solomon!

Me! Yes!

Oh, ho ho!

So, strudwick...

Yeah. Judith...

you were the ones who said I
didn't have a chance, huh?

We never said you
didn't have a chance.

We said you and Mary
didn't have a chance.

Ha ha ha! Ha Ha ha!

And... and yet, we won!

I mean, I won.

Which proves my point
that Mary can dance!

In a way.



So, um... tell me.

Has seeing don...
ruined you for me?

Uh... it may have
ruined powder for me.

But... you could still
enjoy seeing me naked.


Really?! that's great!

Hey... you want to see
me naked right now?


Trust me, Sally.

I don't want anyone but
you to see me naked.



Actually, I don't even
want you to see me naked.

Baby, I see you naked every
time I close my eyes.

Please stop.

All right, go ahead.


I just want you to know

that even though you dumped
me to dance with Dick,

I still think that our
relationship is worth saving.

We don't have a relationship.

Ah. Your mouth says no...

but your lips say yes.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, and how, exactly,
would my lips say y...

Oh, ok, then.

Go wait in the car.

Mary, wait!


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