3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 16 - Dick Strikes Out - full transcript

The new chancellor has decided - among other things several professors don't like - Mary's research will be canceled. Because he feels bad for her, Dick decides to organize a strike to make the chancellor change his mind. Dick delivers him letters of resignation of all the professors but to his surprise, the chancellor accepts them and a stunned and frightened Dick hasty takes his own letter from the pile. Meanwhile, Tommy starts at the pretzel stand where Alissa works. Unfortunately for him, working with his girlfriend doesn't really work out the way Tommy thought it would.

And I'll have 2.

Your bet, Dick.

Oh. Oh...

oh, my word. I've never
seen so many kings.

Well, So, uh...

how many of these
am I gonna bet?

Why not all of them?

You think he's bluffing?

Well, yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

I've got hot cards. You
should all fold because...

you're never gonna
beat my superior hand.

I... I tell you, I've got kings.

I'm in. Yeah, me too.

Oh, damn! I fold.

All right. Tommy, whatcha got?
2 pair.

Sorry, won't beat 3 Jacks.

Oh! Read 'em and weep.
7, 3, 2, Jack...


I win. All right,

one more hand, then I gotta go.

Where you goin'? Oh,
you know how Alissa

manages that pretzel
place at the mall?

She got me a job there.

You're getting paid

to hang out with
your girlfriend?

What a country.

Oh, oh-ho, oh, oh...

what a terrible hand.

What a sad assortment
of mismatched squat.

I'm out. Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, damn!

This is a disgrace!

Who does Chancellor
Duncan think he is?

Look at my face. White-hot rage.

Good morning, Mary. Judith.


did you see this memo
from the new Chancellor?

He's... he's cut everything.

Tenure, gone.

Women's field hockey, gone.

Look at this, my
research budget.

He's cut it to nothing.
All my work.

Oh, Mary, this is awful.

Why would he do this to you?

I mean, I could understand
Judith or strudwick,

but... but you.

Well, this new Chancellor
is a horrible man.

He's an idiot.

A real pig.

Hello, everyone.

Chancellor Duncan.

Welcome. Welcome.

That's a great suit.

You officious ogre!


Did you all get a chance

to look at my little memo?

Yes, I'm afraid we have,

and quite frankly...


I was gonna say groundbreaking.

Good, good, and thank you all

for giving the new
Chancellor a chance.

You know, I didn't
notice it at first,

but he's a delightful man.

He's a nightmare. A monster.

Oh, I get it.

Did I leave my briefcase?

Oh, there it is, right there.

That's a gorgeous briefcase.
Very nice.

Take that hideous
satchel and begone.

Oh, you must be Solomon.

The name is on the door.

Read it on your way out!

I just don't understand

why we have to
make the pretzels.

It says they're homemade.

Yeah, they're
homemade right here.

Does mrs. Fetzel
know about this?

Tommy, there is no mrs. Fetzel.

She was invented by a
bunch of marketing guys.

A small part of
me has just died.

Pay attention. Ok.

3 shakes of salt is the right amount.
Got that?

Mm-hmm. Maybe if we
just go over it again

for another hour, or something.

Hey, Buddy. Do I
come to your job

and stare at you and
your girlfriend?

I'd like to, uh, buy a pretzel.

I'm so sorry, sir. Um,
please accept this

courtesy of mrs. Fetzel's
homemade pretzels.

You just gave that
perv a free pretzel.

We're allowed to sometimes.

It's called customer relations.

Does mrs. Fetzel
know about this?

Tommy, let her go. She's gone.

And look at this.

The Chancellor has even cut off

the free long distance.

So much for my international
ideas exchange.

That's just you dialing
random numbers

and talking to whoever answers.

Yes. Just yesterday,
I had a brief

but fruitful conversation
with a dutch lady

about it being the middle
of the night over there.

And it's worse for Mary.

Her research means
everything to her and...

and to nobody else.

If only there was some
way I could help her.

Oh, but faculty is labor,

and labor is powerless.

You know, that actually
doesn't seem fair.

I mean, labor does all the work.

Yeah. If the workers didn't
show, they'd have nothin'.

Harry, what you've just said,

it's given me a brilliant idea.

This is crazy, but bear with me.

What if the workers didn't
show up for work one day?

Yes. Maybe on a Sunday.

No, not on a Sunday.
On a regular workday.

What if these workers said
they wouldn't come back

until their... let's
call them "Demands"...

Were met.

You'd have them over a barrel.

The bosses would cave.

Yes! Oh, my god, if I
could orchestrate that,

I'd be a hero to the
faculty, to Mary,

even to you.

No, actually, Dick,
you wouldn't.

Yeah. I mean, we
wouldn't really care.

Oh. That's because I'm
already your hero.

That's an order!

Ok. Is everybody here?

It's time to take action
against the New Chancellor.


I'm considering a
letter of protest

to the daily badgerian.

I might even use the word...


I'll help you, Mary.

I just downloaded some
angry-looking fonts. Great.

It's too late for fonts.
What we need is action.

We can't be afraid.

Suter? You're afraid you'll
lose your new office.

Strudwick, you're afraid you'll
lose your precious perks.

Judith, you're afraid you'll die

a lonely spinster
surrounded by cats.

We're being cautious.

You're being sheep,

but at least the noble sheep

gives us warm sweaters.

All your hides would
provide are coward pants.

And you have a better idea?

We hit the Chancellor
where he lives.

We threaten to resign en Masse

if we don't get what we want.

You mean a strike?

What? No. No, I'm calling it

"the mighty professor tornado
of the 21st century."

A strike.

Fine. We'll call it a strike.

Tommy, these pretzels
aren't even twisted.

Oh, yeah. That's my new
innovation, pretzel wads.

Ok, but people want shapes.

Since when is wad not a shape?

Hey, Tommy. Cool threads.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we were down there
at the crazy kiln.

Yeah. You get to decorate
your own ceramics

and Cut out the
expensive middleman.

Only 90 bucks.

I had an ashtray.

Dropped it on the escalator.

It was this color. Cool.

Hey, you guys want
some pretzels?

Compliments of mrs. Fetzel's.

Oh, thanks, Tommy. Hey.

Did you just give
them free Pretzels?

Yeah. Customer relations.

You can't do that anytime you want.
They have to pay.

What a wench.

This list of demands is quite
extensive, Dr. Solomon.

Well, you have us up
in arms, Chancellor.

Casual Friday should
be moved to wednesday?

Everyone wanted that one.

You can buckle
under anytime now.

You people are
serious about this.

Oh, we're deadly serious.

They didn't choose me as their
Leader because I'm weak.

What you have before you
are the resignations

of 58 of the finest professors

this side of Rutherford
junior college.

Wow. So, you're really
willing to risk your jobs?


I think you're bluffing.

If I were bluffing, believe
me, you'd know it.

I'm not bluffing. Now back
to our demands, uh...

wait a second. What
are you doing?

Taking the letters.

You're really gonna do that?

Well, you resigned.

W-w-Well, sure.
Of course we did.

Well, then, it's settled.

I just hope you can all afford

your own health insurance.

We'd lose our health insurance?

Well, thank goodness we at
least get our paychecks

to see us through
this lean period.

Get out.

Very well. You've
dug your own grave.

I'll be leaving now.

Y-y-you know something? Now that I...
I think of it,

uh, mine may have a typo.
I'm just going to, uh...

he actually accepted our
letters of resignation?

Sorry. I did everything I could.

You were right. The
man is a monster.

As long as we're united,
there's still hope.

Oh, of course
there's hope, Mary.

And just know that if you
need a shoulder to lean on,

I'll be there.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got a class to teach.

It's just not a good time
for me to resign right now,

what with my birthday
coming up and all.

I support your cause 100%.

So where "B" is the
coefficient of "Z,"

then "X" Would equal what?

Strudwick: It's all
your fault, Solomon!

Well? Well?

You can't possibly...

I'm sorry, Mr. Pitman.

You're going to have...
Let me just...

Dr. Solomon, it's a little
hard to concentrate

with all the shouting outside.

That shouting, young
Pitman, is the sound

of a grass-roots
movement taking hold,

and I am the sweet manure

that makes it flourish.

Caryn: Dr. Solomon,

it sounds like the other
professors kinda...

They hate you.

Don't be silly, Caryn.

They wouldn't even be out
there if it weren't for me.

Listen. They're
chanting my name.

I guess that makes me

a kind of a working-class hero.
Who agrees?

Thank you, bug.

Actually, I was wondering

if we're going the full hour.

All the other classes
are cancelled,

and I'd like to, uh,
you know, do nothing.

Bug, if the students choose

to show their solidarity
with our cause

by staging a walkout,

I, for one, would never
stand in their way.

Um, Tommy? Mm-hmm?

I didn't want to say
anything yesterday,

but this is your
second hat infraction.

Actually, you did say
something yesterday.

Somebody is Not wearing their
"Pretzels are dessert, too" Button.


Tommy, why so glum?
You want a pretzel?

No. I hate this job.

Can't stand working for her.

Mmm. Well, whatcha gonna do?

Hey, Tommy? Pretzels do
not salt themselves.

Oh, man. You are whipped.

That's it. I'm tired of
being a model employee.

You guys want some pretzels?
Take a bag.

Here. Take 6 bags.

Thanks, Tommy.

There's more where
that came from.

All right. Huh.

Wow, these are way
more than we can eat.

What are we gonna do with 'em?

I know.

We could eat them.

No. But...

we could sell them.


Now all we have to do

is find a good place
for our store.

Location, location, location.

How about here? That's good.

All right.

What are you doing here?

Why, it's our movie night, Mary.

Why aren't you dressed?

Oh, I know. You
want to stay home

and watch one of those
scrambled ones.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I'm surprised you had the
nerve to show up here.

Why are you so cranky? You've
had the whole day off.

I wouldn't be caught dead
going out with a scab.

Well, can't you just put
a band-aid over it?

Dick, don't you get it?

Well, of course I get it.

No, I don't get it.

You left the faculty
twisting in the wind.

You betrayed us, Dick, but
worst of all, you betrayed me.

I... I didn't mean to. I...
I was trying to help you.

Well, nice try.

Mary, can't we just leave
this whole strike business

at the office?

I don't have an office anymore.

Oh. Right.

Oh, that's not gonna help.

Hey, Dick. What
are you doin' up?

Oh, I can't sleep.

I went into this whole strike
thing to protect Mary,

and instead, I've
ruined everything.

Why couldn't I have had the
courage of my convictions?

I know. You have
your convictions,

you'd think you'd get
at least half-credit.

Not on this crazy planet.

I know. Tell me about it.

I thought that... that working
with Alissa would mean

I'd get a chance to make out
with her in the dough room.

Well, until Mary and I are
working together again,

things are never gonna be right.

Well, I can't work
with Alissa anymore.

You know what we should do?


We should switch girlfriends.


But what's plan "B"?

I'm gonna March right into
Chancellor Duncan's office

and do what I should have
done in the first place.

I'm gonna resign.

Yeah, yeah, and I'll
March right up to Alissa

and turn in my pretzel hat.

What's mrs. Fetzel going to say?

Oh, Dick. I think you
better sit down.

Dick. What brings you here?

Chancellor Duncan,

after an exhaustive, and
unexpectedly lengthy spell check,

I tender you my resignation.

Well, that's very
noble of you, Dick.

Well, that's what
I was going for.

But it's not going
to do you any good.

You can't win, Dick.
You have nothing.

I hold all the cards.


Yes. Cards.


Yes. Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to present these letters

to the board of trustees.

Oh, of course, the board.

They were certainly
right about you.

You are a real operator.

You know people on the board?

No. I have no friends
on the board.

You don't know anything.

You're right. I know nothing.

You have no reason to worry about
losing your job over this debacle.

I don't know why I did that.

I'm not quoting anyone.

What are you doing with Those?

I'm thinking of giving
them back to you.

What do you think of that, dr.

I think that would be a
huge mistake, Chancellor.

Would it?

Yes. Accepting them was
your greatest triumph.

You'd like to see me
fired, wouldn't you?

No, and believe me, I have
no designs on your position.

Oh, I'm sorry, Solomon, but I can
read you like a book. You lose.

I'm rehiring the faculty.

Now take your letters and
get out of my office.

Well, it looks like you've
outsmarted me once again.

I mean, damn!

Excuse me.

Here you go,

and thank you for coming

to the great American
pretzel wagon.

I love your pretzels.

They're much better than
the ones at mrs. Fetzel's.

They do what they do.
We do what we do.

Here's a cup for your soda.

You can go fill up over at mrs.

Here, see?

Folks, I don't know what
you think you're doing,

but I'm stopping you now.
I'll take this.

Oh, I see how this works.

You can't compete with us,

so you're trying
to shut us down.

Yeah. We come up with a better
way of selling pretzels,

and you call in the goons.

The American dream?
Not in this mall.

Big, fat mrs. Fetzel's

stomping all over
the little guy.

You stole all our pretzels!

Ah-ah. Woo-Woo.

We sold all your pretzels.

Alissa? There's something
that you need to know.

Yeah, you, too. You're fired.

No, you... you can't fire me.
I was about to quit.

I'm sorry, Tommy.
Clean out your cubby.

Well, then. Fine.

So, I'll see you tonight?

Pick me up? Ok.

You know, even though We didn't
get any of our benefits back,

it's good to be working again.

That's right.

Dick, without your
cowardice and courage,

we wouldn't be right
back where we started.

Thank you, strudwick.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I meant it as an insult.

Too late. It's a compliment.

By the way, Chancellor
Duncan got a new haircut.

Really? Let's go tell
him how great it looks.

I have dibs on the Bangs. Ok.

Mary, I...

I wish you could have seen me

in there with the Chancellor.

You would have been so
turned on by my heroism.

I know I was.

I've got to admit, I...
I am impressed.

I have that man eating
out of my hand.

Anything you want from him,

I can get it for you.

The fire exit has
been nailed shut

for the past 2 years.

Now, Mary, we don't
want to seem greedy.

There's no need to bring that up

until there's an actual fire.

You know, I think I've
done some real Good here

bringing management
and labor together.

Maybe I should go
from planet to planet

solving labor problems
all over the universe

and then riding off into the
sunset on my motorcycle.

You know, Dick, it seems to me

that we've got some labor
problems here ourselves.

That's True. No health plan.
No benefits.

We haven't had a raise in years.

Yeah, maybe we should go on
strike against you. Unfair!

Unfair! Unfair! Unfair!

I'm sorry. There is simply

no room in the
budget for raises.


but I can go you one better.

Sally, you are now the
senior security officer.

That'll look good
on the old resumé.

Tommy, I am making you
senior information Officer.

About freaking time.

Captioning made possible
by Carsey-Werner company

I.L.C. And the U.S.
Department of education

what about me, Dick?

Oh, Harry. You're um, you're...

Harry, you're now...


Champagne for everyone!

Do I hear a thank you?