3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 14 - This Little Dick Went to Market - full transcript

Sally, Harry,

welcome to the Rutherford P.D.
Gym.

Aw, this place is cool.

This is where we boys in blue

sweat and strain day
in and day out,

week after week,

all so that we may better
protect and serve.

Mm. Is it always this crowded?

I don't know.

I've never been here before.

Oh. Yo, Tanner.



Oh, you're lookin' good, baby.

Hey, musky. What's up, Buddy?

Nice to see you.

Yo, big dog! What's up, baby?

What's going on over here?

That's our new Rookie...

Toughest one we've ever had.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'd better
meet this new rookie

and take him down a Notch

before his head GETS too big.

Hey, rookie.

Sally, this is Janice,

the newest member of the force.

Janice, this is my
girlfriend Sally.



Pleasure to meet you, Sally.

Oh, no. The pleasure's all m...
mercy!

And, uh, who's
this little fella?

They call me Harry.

And I answer to it.

Well, I wish I could stay,

but I'm off to do
my 10-mile run.

It was nice to meet you.

Stop it.

All right. What's the
deal with her, don?

She's all show and no go.
Am I right?

Oh, anything but, Sally.

She's strong as an
OX, smart as a whip,

and tough as a Sunday
steak on thursday.

She's like robocop.

Oh, so she's a robot.

That's no robot, Sally.

Robot don't smell that good.

Wow. The nasdaq just
exploded another 150 points.

Ka-Ching.

I cannot believe how well
our stocks are doing.

2 more years of this
kind of growth,

and we'll never have to
see each other again.

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

Hi, guys.

What's all the excitement about?

Dick, did you see what
the market did today?

Oh. Yes, they switched the
canned goods to aisle 6.

Why do you think I'm late?

She's talking about the
stock market, you idiot.

The stock market?

It went up 150 points.
Everybody's cleaning up.

That biotech company
doesn't know it,

but they just bought
me a new snowboard.

And I'm doing so well,

I just bought myself a
Cherry-red Bass boat.

She is a beaut.

How are your stocks,
doing, Dick?

Uh, my stocks?

You wish you had my stocks.

He doesn't own any stocks.

You're a liar, Dick.

A liar, huh?

Yeah, Well, then,
how come this liar

made enough money off
the stock market

to pay for a... a 6-day trip?

Yeah, for Mary and
me, to Sunny cancun.

Sunny cancun?

Dick, are you serious?

Of course I'm serious. But
now, thanks to strudwick,

the surprise is gone.

I'm gonna have to cancel
the whole shebang.

I've always dreamed of
going to the yucatan.

Come on, Mary, it's
not about the trip.

It's really about the surprise.

No, forget the surprise.

I mean, 6 days in Sunny cancun.

Well, if you insist.

Oh, Dick!

Yes. 4 days n Sunny cancun.

6 days.

That's what I said. 3 days.

All right, Tommy.

We were lucky enough
to land on earth

in the middle of the biggest
Bull market in history,

so it's time that we
took advantage of it.

And you expect to make enough
money in the stock market

to take Albright to cancun.

Yeah. But if we'd found out
about the stock market

when we first landed here,

we would own freakin' cancun.

Excuse me.

I read all about it
right after we landed.

Well, why didn't
you say anything?

Dick, I was 13 years old.

I wasn't obsessed with money.

I was obsessed with boobs.

Well, why haven't you
said anything since?

Again, boobs.

Come on, help me out.

The first thing we have to
do is pick some stocks.

Whoa. That one went up 70%.

Wow. That must be the best one.

We should put all
our money in there.

But there's so many of them.

Don't you think we should
diversify a little?

Now, you see that, Tommy?

That's why you'll
never get to cancun.

I'm just saying...

No, let me explain.

Let's say...

that these eggs represent
all our money.

And these containers
represent stocks/

I'm with you.

Now, if one of these stocks

is doing better than
all the others,

then we should put all
our money in that stock.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

So we should put all of
our eggs in one basket.

No. We should put all
our eggs in one bucket.

No eggs in the basket?

Forget the basket.

I don't know, Dick.
It sounds risky.

What if we lose?

Ah, well, but what if we win?

Yeah, but what if we lose?

But what if we win?

Lo...

Wi...

Ahh! Ahh!

Hi, Sally.

Harry, when we first
landed on this planet,

I was a fierce warrior.

I used to break down doors.

And beat up auto mechanics.

I'm still a bad-ass, right?

You terrify me on a daily basis.

I'm afraid to ask you
to pass the salt.

See? That's what I thought.

So then there's no doubt

that I'm still the toughest
woman in Rutherford, right?

Well, actually...

Janice Could kick your Butt.

You're just saying that 'cause
you have a crush on her.

I have a crush on her

because she can kick your Butt.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, let me tell you
something, little Buddy.

There's only one person
who could kick my Butt,

and that is me.

Oh.

Hello, Janice.

I bet you can't catch me.

Ooh!

Uh-Oh.

Whooh.

So, are you ready, Tommy?

I am ready, Dick.

All we have to do is
hit the return key,

and the order will go right in.

I'll press it. No.
I wanna press it.

I'd really like to press it.
Let me press it.

I wanna press it.
I'm the ranking...

Ok, all right. We'll
press it together.

All right. Ok.

And... and...

yes! We're in. Yeah!

Congratulations, Tommy.

We just bought 100 shares
of eversoll, incorporated.

That felt so good.
That felt great.

It sure did, Tommy. It sure did.

What do you think
we should do now?

I think we should
just sit back, relax,

and let the money work for us.

There's no use worrying
about everything.

You're absolutely right.

I'm gonna go out and
get myself a sandwich.

I'm meeting some friends.

Take care. Bye-Bye.

Where's it at?

We're up 1/8!

We're brilliant! Yeah! Yeah!

Well, I got those friends.

I got that sandwich.

Take care. Bye-Bye. Ok.

Where's it at?!

We are so rich!

Ka-Ching!

Oh, Sally, what a
pleasant surprise.

Later, hon. I'm
here to see Janice.

Hi, Sally.

Hey.

Pee wee.

Don't you look nice today.

Well, thank you.

And may I say that the
color of your uniform

really Brings out your lats.

It actually does.

Hey, Janice, you know what?

You have arms, and I have arms.

What do you say we pit
'em against each other

in a test of strength?

You mean, like arm-wrestling?

No. Like this.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Well, ok.

Hey, Hey, Hey, hey!

You can't arm-wrestle in the
middle of a police station.

Why not?

The boys haven't gotten
their bets in yet.

This is so silly.

I know. It's crazy.

I wanna see her bleed.

I know you'll do great.

Ready...

and...

begin.

You weren't ready, were you?

No, no, no. I wasn't ready.

I wasn't anywhere near ready.

Maybe we should try
it on a 3-count.

Hey, that's a great
idea, Janice.

Let's do that. Ok.

Ready?

One...

2...

3.

Did I do that wrong again?

Yeah. You see, you went on 3,

and I thought we
were going after 3.

Jeez, I'm sorry, Sally.

No, no. It's ok, sweetie.
You'll get it.

Now this time, on 3. Ok?

All right.

On 3.

Ok.

Ok.

One...

2...

3.

Agh!

Sally, I am so sorry.

Yeah, Well, that, uh...

that whole counting thing,
it's tripping you up.

So... just give me a call

when you figure
out how to count.

Hey, Harry.

Where you goin?'

Well, that's for me to know

and for you to find out.

Please find out.

Cancun is for lovers, Mary.

I want you to buy
anything you like,

no matter how ridiculously
overpriced or frivolous.

Are you sure?

Oh, absolutely.

My stock was at 38 this morning

and according to my
nifty New pager,

it's already jumped up to 44.

Well, in that case, I'll go
check out the swimsuits.

Oh, and, uh...

while you're at it, Darling,

why don't you pick us up

a pair of those
matching sarongs.

Uh. And get us a couple
that don't match.

Ok.

Oh, my god. 42.

Where did 44 go?

Wait a minute.

It's back down to 38.

Do you think this is real silk?

It can't be.

Nah. I didn't think so.

I wonder if I should get
this in a 6 or an 8.

Higher. Go higher.

Ok. A 10.

Can I get away with
a mesh middle?

Oh, god! No!

Tommy.

Tommy, did you see this?

We lost everything, Dick.

But why?

How did it happen, Tommy?

What made the stock go down?

Well, that's the funny thing.

It was just a little rumor, see?

A rumor?

They reported it on cnn.

Said the company had a little
problem with overspending.

Overspending.

But a rumor can't do
that much harm, can it?

Oh, a rumor?

No. It can just turn a
sweet girl into a whore

and a rich man into a pauper!

Well, we're not down yet.

If one rumor can send
our stock tumbling,

then another one can
bring it back up again.

Follow my lead.

Now, Tom, keep this
close to your chest,

but I heard a rumor
about eversoll, inc.

Eversoll, inc.?

Isn't that a small company

that manufactures toasters?

That's right.

Toasters.

Wow-wee! That is
cutting-edge technology.

That's right, but
here's the big news.

Rumor has it that the
average chinese person

is eating more toast than ever.

It's the hip new food.

Rice is out, and toast is in.

Toast, eh?

So that means that the chinese

will be buying toasters
up the Ying-Yang.

And that means that we'll
be buying eversoll

up the Ying-Yang.

Eversoll!

Solomon!

What are you doing?

Vincent, Judith.

Oh, gosh, I hope you didn't
hear what I just said.

I'm trying not to give
you two a hot stock tip.

Yeah, so are you
interested, or aren't you?

Oh, please. If I haven't seen

a detailed description of
a company's financials,

I don't want to own it.

I'm not asking you to
own it, you thick-head.

I just need you to
buy some stock.

That's what happens when you
buy stock, you thick-head.

You own a piece of the company.

You're kidding.

Duh!

Hey, Sally.

Harry, what's happened to me?

Still thinking
about Janice, huh?

Yeah. Me, too.

I've always been stronger

than anyone I've ever known.

It's the most important
thing to me.

Somehow, I lost my edge.

She made me fall
in love with her.

My assignment on this mission

is to protect the unit, but...

I am powerless against her.

She's a voodoo mama.

I'm a soldier, damn it.

This is unacceptable.

I wonder if she sleeps naked...

commando-style.

I have to destroy her.

If I can't...

I don't deserve to be here.

I bet I could climb
her like a tree.

I'd be like a 5-year-old
at disneyland.

All right, Tommy,

as owners of eversoll, inc,

we must find a way to
cut the overspending

that is bringing this
company to its knees

and keeping me from
going to Sunny cancun.

Let's trim the fat.

To the bone.

Is this the right floor?

Who cares?

Hey. What are you doing
lollygagging about?

Lollygagger.

You. Get off the phone.

See me in my office.

Get him an office.

Hey. I notice you're all
drinking from separate cups.

One cup per group.

We're trying to run
a business here.

Not a water-drinking factory.

What is with all the
computers in here?

Hasn't anybody heard
of an abacus?

Hey, you. Walk with me.

What do you do here?

I'm the vp in charge
of marketing.

Enjoying yourself?

Oh, yeah. I love the work.
The hours are great,

and the day care is
really convenient.

You hear that, Tommy? I sure do.

Shut down the day care, make
this guy work weekends,

and then fire him. No one has
this much fun on my dime.

What are these, paintings?

You don't need art
to run a business.

Sell! Sell! Sell!

Hey, you can't go in there.

There's a board
meeting in session.

Without calling me?

You're fired.

I'll say it again.
This doesn't fly.

I want to see earnings...

Who the hell are you?

I'll take this chair,
if you don't mind.

So, where were we?

Cost cutting.

That's right.

I've gone over the
numbers a million times,

and I still don't see
how you can justify

spending that much money
for a table this long.

Feedback?

Yeah. Who are you?

Who are you? Bob gander.

Hi, Bob. You're fired.

As a matter of fact,
you're all fired.

Now just a second.
You can't fire me.

I'm John eversoll,
president of this company,

and just who do you
think you are?

I am the noble stockholder.

It is I who paid for your desk.

It is I who bought
this office building.

And without my
investment dollars,

you would have nothing.

Am I your boss? No.
I am your god.

Tommy, how's our stock doing?

It dropped a point.

Oh, yeah? You're fired.

Excuse me?!

Get them out of here.

Wait. Do we need 2
security guards?

I don't think so.

Fire them both and
get one big one.

There you are.

Hey, Sally. Good to see you.

Not for long.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm taking you on,
I'm taking you down,

and I'm taking you out, baby.

You are about to become

a stain and a memory!

Sally, don't do this.

Aw. What are you afraid of?

You afraid someone's gonna
knock you off your perch, huh?

Prepare to dieeee!

Can I go one week
without hearing that?

What?

Why is everyone always
trying to take me on?

There's a person inside of me.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to soften me up

before you go in for the kill,

but it ain't gonna happen.

You are going down.

Hey.

Hey, no crying.

Illegal move.

I'm sorry. It's just...

everyone always sees me
as this tough warrior...

but I'm a woman,

and I'm soft inside.

I'm soft inside, too.

No one understands.

I do.

Sally, I thought we
could be friends.

Oh, Janice, we can be friends.

Are you trying to flip me?

Yeah, I am.

Not gonna happen.

I know.

Dick?

What are you doing on the roof?

We're supposed to be
going to Sunny cancun.

I'm gonna jump, Mary,

and don't try to stop me.

The hotel's on a cliff.

Do you wanna try it down there?

Forget the hotel.

Forget the trip.

I lied about getting rich
off the stock market.

So... what you're saying is

we're not going to cancun?

I'm afraid not.

Jump.

But, Mary, it turns out

the ups and downs
of the stock market

and my Roller-coaster emotions

make for a deadly cocktail.

Ump.

But I now realize that
money's not important.

Love is what's important.

And if that's so, Why, then,

I'm the richest man on earth.

Don't think, Dick. Just jump.

Oh, Mary, thank you.

Thank you for saving my life.

Aah!

Hello, Janice.

Harry. What are you doing here?

Oh, I've come for a workout.

Hmm.

Well, what do you
wanna do first,

the bench or the mat?

Hmm. Well, let me see.

I was thinking maybe we
could start with the...

Aagh!

Is that all you got?

Mama!

So, Sally, you didn't
take Janice out?

No. We actually bonded,

and I learned that I
can be vulnerable

and still have my edge.

What does that mean?

It means that I can
be a killing machine,

just not when the view is on.

She used you as a
thighmaster, huh?

No. Janice was as
gentle as a Lamb.

No. I was walking home,

and Dick jumped off the
roof onto my head.

I didn't jump. I was pushed.

You were pushed?

So Albright was that
pissed at you, huh?

But she only pushed
me the first time.

You asked for it. You fired me.

I was cutting costs.

I was doing all the work.

You were slacking off.

I was being a responsible
stockholder.

Captioning made possible
by Carsey-Werner

productions and the U.S.
Department of education